Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne.

Escaflowne

Episode 25

Zone of Absolute Misfortune

All-out war had begun on Gaea. The merciless army of Zaibach marched out over the land like a dark plague, destroying everything in their path. No-one was safe from their lethal clutches, spreading terror and chaos in all directions.

…They were like the big kids on the playground, pretty much.

"Waaaaaahhhhhh!" At a small encampment of allied Cezario soldiers, Hitomi, Van, and the Escaflowne knelt around two soldiers in black and blue armor who were, incidentally, black and blue everywhere else. They sat on the ground, bawling their eyes out.

"Okay, okay, now, just…calm down and tell us what happened," Hitomi said, rubbing a soldier's back comfortingly.

"Zaibach is such a big bully!" the soldier whined. "They just barged right in, beat us up, and stole our lunch money!"

"And then they killed everyone," the other added off-handedly.

"Yeah, that too. Punish them!"

"Oh my God," Van began with exasperation. "For the last time, you kids need to learn how to get along and play nice while we're gone-"

"Van, this is war. People are dying." Hitomi gave him a look.

"You spoil them, Hitomi. I hate having to be the bad cop every time-"

"Can we go for ice-cream?" the Escaflowne suggested hopefully. "I bet ice-cream would help."

"Yeah, help ruin their supper-"

"We can't leave our post!" The soldier sniffled, his lower lip wobbling dangerously. "We have to hold the line until the alliance's main forces arrive! But… maybe someone could help us? Someone big and strong to stand up to them?" He batted his eyelashes.

"Okay, FINE, you talked me into it." Van puffed out his chest. "I'll go have a firm talk with their parent or legal guardian-"

"…We were talking to the girl, actually."

"What? Really?" Van glanced at Hitomi, looking her up and down. "…Oh my God babe you look so cute right now- REALLY?"

"Yeah, I mean, she seems like she wears the pants in the relationship."

"…But she's wearing a skirt-"

"They aren't wrong," Hitomi stated. The Escaflowne snorted behind them.

"Okay, new plan," Van said, clapping his hands. "You dweebs are going to escort my hunny-buns here to Austuria. She's very important to me so treat her with the utmost care." Hitomi turned red at his kind consideration. "Just, you know, dump her in a crate and stamp 'fragile' on it or something, whatever, 's good enough." Hitomi turned redder and stepped towards him. "Kidding! Kidding!"

"A ship will be made ready at once!" The two men saluted and ran off, whispering to each other. "See what I mean?"

"Hold it, Van!" Hitomi cut in, crossing her arms stubbornly. "I want to stay here with you. Why're you being all controlling all of a sudden? Don't you dare pull an Allen and steal all my doorknobs or so help me-"

"He stole all your doorknobs?" Van frowned at her in confusion. "…Wouldn't that…make it easier to leave?"

"Yeah, he's a fucking idiot." Hitomi shrugged. "It was just really annoying."

"I can't let you stay with me, Hitomi." Van shook his head, looking away in shame. "I know if you did, I'd rely on you and your powers. I need you to understand, I'm a man now! I can take care of myself!" Hitomi sighed and nodded in resignation.

"Okay, Van. I-"

"But before you go, could you do another load of laundry? I only have, like, two more pairs of clean underwear. Ooh, and maybe make a grilled cheese sandwich? I'm kinda hungry. And tie my boots, the laces are coming loose again."

"…I don't know why I love you. I really don't."

-Elsewhere-

In a faraway mountain range, several Zaibach Floating Fortresses mustered in the dark clouds, awaiting orders. Aboard one of the vessels, General Adelphos was grumbling to himself irritably.

"This is so unfair!" he complained aloud. "Why haven't WE been invited to the big party with everyone else?! We're cool! We're hip! I can hold my liquor…ice!" He took a bite out of a Twizzler, then stomped his foot in outrage. "Just once, I'd like to know what Emperor Dornkirk is thinking!"

-Meanwhile, in Zaibach-

"I think I just shit my pants," Dornkirk said. "Wait…okay I KNOW I just shit my pants. CLEAN UP ON AISLE TWELVE!"

-In Austuria-

A depressing rain fell over the city of Palace. Several trading ships chugged along through the dreary clouds, a line of melefs guarding the palace walls from attack. Hitomi hopped off the airship as it docked, tipped because she felt bad about puking on the Captain's shoes, and hurried to the palace. She banged open the large, ornamental doors and screeched to a halt. Allen stood there in the main hall, next to…

…Agiant cake?

"H…Hitomi?!" Allen gasped in surprise, shocked to see her. "You're back! And…so soon! I didn't expect…" He trailed off, glancing around nervously. "Oh, uh, here! I…had this cake baked for you! To celebrate your return! …Surpriiiise!"

"Really?" Hitomi blinked, taken aback. "Wow, Allen, that's actually pretty-"

"Whoooo!" Millerna burst through the top of the cake, clad in a skimpy lingerie. Confetti and a couple balloons followed. "I have you all to myself now, big boy! Who wants a taste of-" She froze in the middle of blowing a kiss as she caught sight of Hitomi. Allen was frozen as well, breaking into a cold sweat.

"…Your very lives depend on whether that cake is edible or not," Hitomi said quietly.

-Later-

Hitomi sat at a rain-streaked window, happily eating a slice of cake.

"Hmm, not bad," she commented, chewing. "A little dry, though."

"Rain…" Hitomi jerked in surprise and spun around to see Allen slithering into the room. She kept him within visual sight as he slowly walked past her and looked out the window. "There's something sad about the rain. It washes everything away… especially mascara." He had thick trails of black running down from his eyes. "You got a tissue?"

"Very…poetic," Hitomi admitted. "But let's cut the shit. The fuck you want?"

"Van loves you, Hitomi," Allen said, dabbing at his eyes. "That's why he brought you back to Gaea. You know…" his leaned closer, "this may be the first time a woman has refused my advances-"

*Bang!*

The door to the room flew open, a young maid storming in. She marched up to Allen and slapped him soundly across the face.

"Stop writing your number on the inside of your underpants! Just because I clean 'em doesn't mean I'm interested, especially not when I'm scrubbing out your skid-marks! Seriously, learn to wipe!" she shouted, then slapped him on the other cheek and stomped away.

"Er…second time," Allen coughed, rubbing his red, stinging cheeks. "But, don't worry! I'll be more than happy to take you back after Van is horribly dismembered, set on fire, and buried in a shallow, unmarked grave."

"Van will do fine in the war." Hitomi brushed him off. "You underestimate him."

"…Who said anything about the war-"

"OKAY, you need to LEAVE."

-With Princess Millerna-

Princess Millerna watched from a balcony as a small convoy of ships left the besieged city and sailed off into the distance.

"They'll remember to pick up milk, right?" she wondered aloud.

"This is bullshit!" Dryden's voice rang out. Millerna peeked over her shoulder into the room. He sat at his desk, face red with anger. "This fighting is useless! Nothing good will come of it! It's all pointless!"

"…You can't beat the last dungeon, can you?" she asked, walking inside.

"NO!" Dryden barked, snapping the DS closed and tossing it aside. "It's driving me nuts, and I'm not asking Folken for help! I have my pride." He raised a glass and took a deep gulp.

"Are you drinking beer?"

"No," Dryden scoffed, holding up a bottle. "VODKA." He took a swig. "Oh my God, you just got, like, ten times hotter."

"Dryden, what's wrong?" Millerna asked, concerned. "You don't seem like yourself." Sultry, slow-beat music began to play as the merchant's son reached out and took Millerna's hands in his own. "Okay, wait, there it is." She gasped indignantly and pulled away. "Well, here now! Just because there's sultry, slow-beat music playing doesn't mean we're going to get it on! If you think I'm some kind of floozy…then you're absolutely right! Take me, big daddy!" She closed her eyes and waited.

"Uh, actually, I was just giving my ring back," Dryden admitted, slipping off his wedding band and placing it in Millerna's hand.

"…You're breaking up with me?" she asked in a small, shocked voice.

"I'm not ready for commitment," he said gently. "War really kills the mood… among other things." He chuckled to himself. "Don't worry, babe. You'll always be with me." He paused awkwardly. "Aaaand not just because you gave me herpes." He gave her a parting kiss on the cheek and began walking off.

"No, Dryden, wait!" Millerna suddenly burst out. Dryden stopped and looked back at her in surprise, thinking perhaps- "…Can I still keep MY ring?!"

-Later, With Hitomi-

Hitomi descended into the bowels of the palace and found Folken's secret lair in the basement, where he'd set up a private laboratory for himself. On a nearby table was various lab equipment, vials, beakers, candles, crystal meth-

"…I don't know how that got there," Folken said quietly. "It's not mine, I swear. I'm clean." Hitomi just stared at him. "…Just tell me what you want already."

"I wanted to see you one last time, you know, now that I'm taken." She gave him a long look up and down. "…How long do you think before Van gets as hot as you? Two years? Three?"

"Oh God." Folken rubbed his forehead, deeply uncomfortable. "Look, Hitomi, it's very sweet and all that you're with Van, but for God's sake, please don't ever give me any details. I'm suffering enough as it is."

"Yeah, whatever." Hitomi rolled her eyes. "Listen, I want to do something nice for Van, like make him dinner, or maybe get him some shampoo, or ride a pillar of light to Zaibach and beat up Dornkirk for him-"

"…He'd probably just want you to touch his- wait, WHAT?!" Folken sputtered in protest. "No, Hitomi, you can't! I should be the one to confront Dornkirk, I need to learn to clean up my own messes. As for the pillar of light…" He turned to consider a large mechanical device in the corner. "A wave in tune with the Fate Alteration Engine should do the trick-"

"Or, you know, I could just scream at the top of my lungs like usual."

"…Yeah that works, too." Folken admitted. "Something about the high-pitched frequency, I suppose. Anyway, I will settle things with Dornkirk myself!"

"No! Folken, you can't!" Hitomi felt a sudden flare of worry for him. "I…I predict you'll die if you do!"

"…Really?" Folken asked, raising an eyebrow. "Cuz I haven't seen you gasp and go all cross-eyed like when you usually get a vision-"

"Well okay I haven't YET but just gimme a few- wait, I go cross-eyed? Seriously? Oh my God, why doesn't anyone TELL ME these things?" Hitomi groaned, covering her face. "That's so embarra- OH FUCK NOT NOW!" Immediately she drew a ragged gasp and went cross-eyed as a blood-red vision of Folken dying violently tackled her brain. She saw him fall back, blood spurting from a wound, then laying on the cold, hard ground, bleeding to death, his shattered black wings draped around him.

Hitomi blinked, coming back to herself. She found Folken standing there, waiting patiently.

"…Well the good news is I had the vision of your impending death-"

"HOW IS THAT GOOD NEWS."

-The Next Morning, With Milly-

"Oh, Allen! It's horrible!" Millerna sobbed, throwing herself at Allen, who cringed as tears and snot quickly ruined his favorite shirt. "We're all out of cake, Hitomi fucking ate it all-"

"Uh, sweetie, what about Dryden?" Allen asked, confused.

"What do you think I wanted the cake for, silly?!" Millerna glared up at him. "The only upside to being dumped is that it means I'm free to marry you-"

"Yeah, about that," Allen coughed awkwardly. "I can't. Got a date with destiny."

"…Who the fuck is this 'Destiny'? Is she one of the maids? I'll-"

"No, I mean- war. The WAR. I have to go fight."

"War?" Millerna cocked her head in confusion. "I thought you were planning on wearing a dress and pretending to be a woman for the next few months?"

"I can do that at any point. This war needs to be taken care of now. Duty calls!" He saluted and scrambled for the door.

"I want all my clothes back, then!" Millerna shouted after him.

"Can't hear you!" Allen called back. "Sorry!"

-Meanwhile, in a Zaibach Encampment-

Zaibach soldiers and melef units stood around tents and cook-fires, resting up and playing card games like Poker and Yu-Gi-Oh. Jajuka strode through the encampment and halted at a large, blood-red tent. Crouching down on all fours, he squeezed through the small doggy-door built into the bottom and slipped into the tent. Inside, Dilandau sat staring at nothing in the near-darkness.

"Lord Dilandau," Jajuka said as he rose to his feet. Dilandau didn't respond, his eyes glazed over. "Hey! Lord Dilandau!" Still no response. "…Selena."

"Huh, yeah, wha- GODAMMIT!" Dilandau grimaced. "Stop fucking DOING that!" He paused. "I was having the best daydream of roasting Van on a spit until he was moist and golden brown-"

"Lord Dilandau," Jajuka reported, not missing a beat, "we've just received our orders. We are to join up with the 32nd division and head out to the battlefield."

"Ugh, the 32nd Division?" Dilandau made a face. "I doubt those loser's have forgotten the last time I teamed up with them."

"I'm sure they-"

"I took a shit in one of their melefs."

"…I'm sure if you apologize-"

"I'd do it again."

"Do you want to go kill people or not?" Jajuka cried, exasperated.

"Since when do I need permission?" Dilandau cocked an eyebrow.

"…Okay good point." Jajuka sighed, holding up his hands in defeat.

"It's been so long since I've been able to go wild! I was starting to go into withdrawal!" Dilandau cackled evilly, then turned to see Jajuka squatting on the rug. "Jajuka, no, stop! …Lemme get a paper bag so I can properly say hello to those dumb fucks-"

-Battle-Time!-

The grand battle had finally begun. Men armed with spears ran in screaming waves, Guymelefs charging amongst them, towards the Zaibach foe. Soldiers oddly dressed like German troops got torched by trundling machines with flamethrowers, forgotten banners flapping in the smoky breeze. Others battled with vicious bouts of Paper-Rock-Scissors, Tic-Tac-Toe, and the ever brutal Dance Offs.

Amongst the chaos of war, Van, piloting the Escaflowne, screamed and ran an enemy through with his blade. Allen was doing like-wise with Scherazade.

"Wow, this is easier than I thought!" Allen said, kicking the enemy aside. "I just imagine each one is Van and-"

"Dude, I'm right fucking here."

"Yeah, I know." Allen stared at him for a long moment. "…IIIII know."

"OKAY, you need to LEAVE-"

High above the two good guys, scores of allied airships dotted the sky.

"…Wait, which one of these is the radio again?" the commander of one ship asked, eying the bank of buttons in front of him.

"Sir, we've been OVER this. That button is the radio, THAT identical button right next to it unleashes our ultimate weapon, an incredibly destructive bomb which could easily wipe out everyone on the battlefield, friend and foe alike."

"…That is some piss-poor design, if you ask me," a soldier in the back mumbled.

"Alright, alright! I've got it now, back off. Have a little faith in me." The commander turned back to the buttons, paused, and began to sweat profusely. "Uhhh…"

-Back in Austuria-

"Dear God, please don't let Van die," Hitomi said, standing on her balcony and praying. "Okay, that's done. Now for Allen." She closed her eyes again. "Dear Satan-"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Merle suddenly smashed down the door and came wailing in like a fire engine, crying her head off. She leapt onto Hitomi's bed and clutched a pillow to her chest. "C-c-can I stay here, Hitomi? Please?"

"Why?" Hitomi entered the room from the balcony. "What's wrong, Merle?"

"I'm so scared!" The cat-girl sobbed, latching onto Hitomi as soon as she drew within range. "What if Van never comes back? What if he…dies? I still love him! And to make things worse, I'm seeking comfort in the skank who stole him from me! Guhhh!" She clung tighter. "Hold me! I hate you! Hold me! I hate you!"

"Look, just believe in him, okay?" Hitomi told her, patting her head. "Van will come back! Alright?" She paused. "I mean, we'd have to bury the body-"

"Oh my GOD I fucking HATE you- HOLD ME!"

-And Back to the Battle!-

Alarm bells rang through the allied airship, warning lights flashing as a large, round object dropped free from the belly of the ship and began plummeting downwards. Everyone whipped around to glare accusingly at the commander, who sat at the helm.

"I just wanted to listen to the Top 40!" he wailed, throwing his arms up.

"I fucking TOLD you guys!" the soldier in the back shouted as panic erupted.

The bomb did likewise, exploding in a brilliant burst of light.

-Back in Austuria-

Hitomi gasped at the ominous glow blooming in the distant horizon.

"Huh? What's that?" Merle turned to look, but Hitomi grabbed her face and forcefully turned it back around. "Ow I think something just popped-"

"That's nothing! It's…just the sunrise! In the middle of the night! Yup! Just the sunrise, totally normal and beautiful and not at all dangerous!" Hitomi started sweating. "…Want me to do a reading to find out how many kittens you'll have?"

-Once Again, Back to the Battle-

"WE ARE ALL DYING HORRIBLY AND THERE IS NOTHING NORMAL OR BEAUTIFUL ABOUT IT!" soldiers screamed as they were all blasted to dust. Zaibach Floating Fortresses crumbled in the sky above, Zaibach as well as allied foot soldiers being obliterated below. Finally, the blinding light began to fade, leaving a deathly stillness over the ruined landscape.

"Man, I am SO glad we went to get lunch," Kio was saying as he piloted the Crusade back towards the battlefield. "I was starving!" Everyone was passing around take-out boxes, trying to give everyone their orders. "You guys think we should have gotten something for Allen and Va- OH SHIT." The crew gasped as they saw the devastation spread out below.

"…Guess it's a good thing we didn't," Reeden said quietly.

"…The fuck did we MISS?!" Oruto cried. "Pass the soy sauce."

"This isn't war, it's a mass slaughter!" Gaddess snarled, standing at the window. "Some prick stole my idea! Now I'll never have the pleasure of murdering Allen myself!" He burst into tears and turned away.

"My God…this is horrible…" Pyle whispered, his face pale. "…I think they forgot to give me ketchup."

On the battlefield below, Van, miraculously unharmed, stood at the edge of an enormous crater, staring in horrified awe at the aftermath of the deadly weapon.

"Wow…they really…dropped the BOMB on this one," he said, then drummed out a *Ba-dum CHING* on the remains of nearby Guymelefs. His horrible pun was met with silence, as everyone was already mercifully dead. "…No? No-one? Really? Tough crowd." He was sullenly quiet for a moment. "Hitomi would have laughed."

-Aaaaand Back to Austuria Again-

Hitomi gasped aloud (again), a horrible feeling washing over her.

"Van…" she whispered, "Van's hurting out there…I've got to go…laugh at his joke! Van's hurting!" She threw the cat-girl off of her and dashed toward the door.

"Well now I am too, bitch!" Merle sat up in a huff, then frowned. "…How are you gonna help him from the toilet?"

"I'm going before I GO, duh," Hitomi called through the bathroom door. "…Shit I'm outta toilet paper."

"Oh my God just LICK yourself clean-"

"Jesus CHRIST Merle NO-"

-Elsewhere in Austuria-

Deep in the bowels of the palace, Folken relaxed in the quiet solitude, whistling a Fanelian tune and tinkering with his lab equipment.

"Folken!" The doors to the lab were thrown open, Folken fumbling a vial and cursing. The solution hissed and quickly ate a hole through the floor. Hitomi charged in, a line of toilet paper stuck to her heel. "I need you!"

"Hitomi, for the last time, I will NOT have sex with-"

"No, not that!" Hitomi impatiently waved the suggestion away. "Van's hurting! We have to help him! Or, no wait…just me, I mean…if you go…" she trailed off, remembering her bloody vision of impending doom.

"Oh, it's fine." Folken shrugged nonchalantly. "I'm gonna die soon anyway. Let's just go now. You ready?"

"Yeah, I already peed- wait, WHAT?!" Hitomi stiffened in alarm. "Folken! Why would you say something like that?!" She studied him for a moment. "Is…is this a cry for help? Do I need to call a Hotline-"

Folken didn't answer, just turned his back on her and peeled off his shirt.

"You just fucking said no!"

"That- I'm not- illegal- JUST LOOK AT MY WINGS!" Folken sputtered. Hitomi watched Folken's black wings burst from his shoulders and fan out, rattling softly. Inky feathers fell continuously from his wings, accumulating on the floor in piles.

"Eww. I see your problem." She made a face. "You're…molting."

"No, I'm not-" Folken began. "Hitomi, listen! A reaction of fortune is shortening my life. These black wings are proof of that." He paused for a moment. "Plus I watched a video with a creepy little girl in a well who said I'd die in seven days-"

"Are you fucking kidding me-"

"I will atone for my many crimes with my life," Folken went on solemnly, hanging his head in shame. "This is…my fate."

"FUCK fate!" Folken looked at Hitomi in surprise. "That's bullshit! You think Van would be okay with that?"

"…Yeah probably-"

"Okay bad example," Hitomi admitted. "But beneath all that hate, I know he still cares for you! Don't leave him alone! He'll never admit it, but hating you is one of his sole purposes in life! He NEEDS you!"

"He'll still have Allen," Folken pointed out.

"No! You're no coming along!" Hitomi refused to budge. "And there's nothing you can do or say to make me change my-"

"You've got a spider on your shoulder."

"Wha- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"

The Beam of Light immediately responded to Hitomi's piercing shriek, snatching up both her and Folken and buckling them in. They disappeared from the lab as the light faded away.

-Meanwhile, Back on the Battlefield-

Back on the battlefield, the Escaflowne's Energist lit up in response to the Beam of Light's appearance, making the Guymelef groan in discomfort.

"Urghh…heart burn…" It grumbled, rubbing its chest. "Good thing I brought my…Pepto Max!" It held up a huge, pink plastic bottle.

"…You're just going to pour that all over me, aren't you?" Van asked resignedly.

"Well, you ARE what's making me sick."

"Oh, HA HA."

"Hello? Has anyone seen this girl?" Allen, somehow still alive in the Scherazde, was walking around the battlefield, holding fliers with a poorly drawn picture of Selena. "She's my sister, and I have to find her! She has a dick right now, that might confuse you. The reward is a fashion critique. A kiss if you're above a six. Anyone?" He paused at a pile of dead corpses and broken melefs. "…It's okay, take your time."

-In Zaibach-

"Ooh! They're coming!" Dornkirk squealed in delight, clapping his hands excitedly. "Okay, everyone," he addressed his attendants, making shooing motions, "go hide, and when they come in, you all jump out and yell 'surprise'! And then we kill them."

"…But-"

"Do it or I'll give you all sex changes like I did with Dilandau!"

Everyone bolted off in different directions.

The Beam of Light blasted into the large room, touching down on a platform in front of Dornkirk and depositing Hitomi and Folken while also secretly stealing all their pocket change.

"Whoa! Where are we?" Hitomi opened her eyes and found herself in a huge, dark room. She looked to her side and saw Folken. "Hey! You tricked me!"

"…Did I?" Folken asked, raising an eyebrow. Hitomi went pale and began checking herself all over.

"SURPRISE!" Dornkirk's attendants leaped from their hiding places, scaring the living hell out of Folken and Hitomi, who socked one of them in the face.

"Hey, guys!" Dornkirk called from above, then continued in his 'serious' voice. "Everything is now in place! All of the pieces…have come to me! The time has come to finish…" He paused dramatically. "…this puzzle!" He held up a final puzzle piece and laughed maniacally.

"Sir…" an attendant began.

"It's of puppies and kitties! Ain't it cute?"

"SIR! Please, get back on track!"

"Oh, phooey!" Dornkirk sighed, turning away from the puzzle and addressing the newcomers. "So! Big news. I'm gonna use the full power of the Fate Alteration Engine to fuck with stuff! For shits and giggles! Go on, take a seat, enjoy the show! There's drinks and snacks over in the corner-"

"You sick son of a- what kind of snacks?" Hitomi asked, considering.

"Oh, well, we had a villain bake-sale, all the Commander's made something, except Dilandau, he just told us all to eat him-"

"How long do you plan to toy with fate, Dornkirk?!" Folken demanded angrily, cutting him off.

"…You know how you play on a DS until the light turns red-"

"Enough!" Folken's face darkened with anger. "I'm here to finish this!"

"…Th…" Dornkirk stared at him, his eyes flicking back and forth in confusion. "…The puzz-"

"YOU!"

"Oh. OHH. Pfft. You're gonna kill ME? Really?" Dornkirk pursed his lips in a black scowl. "Why don't you climb on up here and say it to my face, bitch?" He paused. "Seriously, though, I can't hear you. Come up and say it right in my ear. Like, use my beard as a rope or something, I'm like fucking Rapunzel here-"

"You know we could just wait a couple minutes, see if he kicks the bucket naturally," Hitomi suggested, holding a cup of soda and a brownie from the snack table. "Oh wow, these are good- wait these aren't pot brownies are they-"

"What do you think I've been doing these past couple of years?" Folken snapped at her. "I'm done waiting! It's time to take action!" He suddenly drew his blade and took a defensive stance. "You're about to get a senior citizen's discount…of your HEAD!"

"Bring it on, you little goth twerp!" Dornkirk punched a button on the arm of his chair. The contraption began to hiss and spew steam, panels lifting up to reveal a rubber glove stretched over a skeleton- I mean…Dornkirk's naked chest and abdomen. Gross.

"…Okay nevermind I hope it is," Hitomi said, then wolfed down the rest of her brownie and went to get more.

"Oh God, can I fight him with my eyes closed?" Folken squinted at the horrific sight. "Hitomi, just…tell me if I'm pointing in the right direction and I'll start swinging-"

"Yeah, that's right. I'm stacked. I do Crossfit," Dornkirk said smugly, lifting his skeletal arms and flexing them weakly. "Oh shit cramp-"

"Here comes retirement, bitch!" Folken spread his wings and took to the air, charging forward.

"Folken, wait!" Hitomi cried in warning, her mouth full. "The vision-"

Folken flew straight up at Dornkirk through a swirl of steam, bringing his sword down across the old man's torso. Green fluid sprayed and spattered everywhere, including on Folken's face. Disgusted, he spat out a mouthful, then frowned, blinking.

"…Is this…Gatorade?"
"Well, yeah. How did you THINK I kept myself alive for so many years?" Dornkirk snorted. "Sometimes I sneak in some Red Bull to give myself a little extra pep-" And then his eyes rolled up and he slumped over, dead as a doornail.

"Is…is he dead?" Hitomi asked warily. "Or is this the part in the horror movie when he suddenly gets back up-"

"Judging from the smell, he's been dead for weeks. I think we're good." Folken poked his corpse with his sword a couple times with no response. He turned away, triumphant. "HA! We did it! Some final boss! And I didn't even-"

*Crack!*

The tip of Folken's sword caught the edge of Dornkirk's chair, snapping off and ricocheting back at its owner. Hitomi's eyes widened in horror as she watched the sword tip fly toward Folken's bare chest.

"Look out!" she screamed, but it was too late. Bright red blood spurted through the air, and Folken grunted in pain. He stumbled back, fell from the throne, and tumbled to the floor, where he lay crumpled lifelessly, his wings splayed.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Hitomi wailed, falling to her knees, her shrill voice echoing through the-

"Oh my God, OW, that scream hurt more than getting stabbed," Folken groaned, raising his head.

"Folken?!" Hitomi gaped at him in shock, unable to believe her eyes. "…You're …okay?!"

"Yeah, but I've got a really bad splinter." Folken rolled over and held up his bleeding thumb, where the sword tip was deeply lodged. "I dunno if I'm gonna make it."

Hitomi just laughed.

-Back on the Battlefield-

Van gasped aloud and froze mid-swing, his guts clenching painfully. Was it this morning's breakfast burrito? No, that wasn't it. He felt…a disturbance. As though, far away, at that very moment…Hitomi was…laughing at someone else's joke.

"Oh my God, what's wrong now?" the Escaflowne groaned, sensing something was amiss. "These therapy sessions aren't doing jack shit. You're still a whiny little bitch."

"H-Hitomi," Van choked out. "She's…she's laughing…with someone else!"

"Calm down. It's lot like she's with FOLKEN, right?"

There was a deathly silence.

"…Oh. Wow. Okay. Yeah. Go ahead, kill some people. Whatever makes you feel better."

Van howled in fury, launching himself at a group of incoming enemies, eager to let out his frustrations in a rather unhealthy, violent way.

-Back to Hitomi-

Back in Zaibach, Hitomi was doing her best to tend to Folken's life-threatening wound.

"Folken, hold STILL so I can pull it out," she grumbled, trying to remove the splinter.

"That's what she said," Folken snickered. Hitomi smacked him.

"You two are definitely brothers." She squinted and peered closer. "Ugh, if I could just SEE something, the lighting in here is horrible-" Her pendant suddenly began to glow, the soft pink light illuminating their surroundings. "Oh, thanks man, now I can-WAIT WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU GLOWING STOP THAT RIGHT NOW-" Dornkirk's huge hanging globe suddenly lit up as well, sparks crackling around the room. "DON'T YOU START UP, TOO! STOP IT STOP IT STOP-"

An eerie, glowing specter of an elderly man appeared, wearing a black robe, his a long, white beard and hair hanging to the floor.

"-and one time the boys played a trick on me and put in some booze, well, joke's on THEM because I got so drunk I thought they were bowling pins and ran them all over," he finished in a rush, chuckling at the memory. "Got a strike."

"…Oh GOD no." Hitomi was frozen in place, gaping wide-eyed at the ghost of Dornkirk, somehow risen from the grave. "Please tell me it's just the brownies kicking in." Folken groaned.

"Hitomi, do me a favor and jam that splinter straight into my eye-"

"So anyway! You guys ready to start the movie?" Dornkirk went on, looking at them expectantly. "It's called the Zone of Absolute Misfortune! Got a great rating on Rotten Tomatoes! I promise you'll love it!"

"I've…never heard of it," Hitomi said slowly. "Who stars in it?"

"Well, let's see…it's got you, me, Van- oh! and Mark Wahlberg!"

"…You know the dumbest thing about this is that I actually believe him."

-Episode 25 End-