Authors Note- I apologize for the lateness, I've been trying to write everyday with the limited timing. I hope you guys understand!
Disclaimer- S. Meyer owns all things Twilight.
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EPOV
October 9nd
Thursday
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It's been just a little over three weeks since Bella has had her surgery to get her appendix removed, and she's been doing really well healing wise. She's still been staying at the apartment, and at this point I am sure I don't want her to fucking go. We just...fit together, and it's comfortable with her. I couldn't compare the feeling of what it feels like to fall asleep with her in my arms, or just talking with her as we lay together. I feel comfortable this way, and I couldn't dream of this being gone.
The stress of work, the hospital and dealing with my mother has been piling up and stressing me out a lot. It's fucking weighing down, and it's getting harder and harder trying to fucking ignore it and shit. Bella is the only one who can get my attention away from it, but recently; nothing has been working. Carlisle said that she will most likely keep trying, and I've still been taking the medicine he prescribed for me. I'd hate to admit that it really was helping me.
The hospital is a good temporary distraction when I am kept busy, but work is not even close to being one. It's, obviously, always fucking quiet in the library. People get shit for it if they are loud, but I still enjoy the job. I've always loved books, and even if it's just re-arranging and stacking them, it's the best, even with the silence. I used to enjoy that shit, now it's something I avoid.
Bella slowly started to stand up, releasing my hand.
" Hey, where are you going?" I asked.
" To get my orange juice. I left it on the kitchen counter, want something?"
" Sit down, I'll take care of it."
' I feel so lazy." she said with a laugh, sitting back down with a breath.
" You're not. This is just me taking care of you."
I went to the kitchen and grabbed Bella's juice, and I grabbed myself a sprite. When I got back to my bedroom Bella was lying on her back, twisting the blanket in her fingers and marveling at the thread between her slender fingers. I handed her the orange juice and sat next to her with my sprite on the end table.
After she took a sip of her drink I set it down for her, and she looked up at me, her brown eyes sparkling.
" I'm just going to move the rest of my things here. I don't want to leave you next week. I guess I just got used to sharing your bed, and being in your space. I hope you aren't sick of me."
" No, I love having you here with me. Feels like a fucking home seeing you here."
" You just like seeing me in this bed, green eyes."
" No, that's just an added bonus." I leaned over and gave her a thorough kiss, leaving her breathless in my arms.
She leaned over and chastely kissed my lips, letting them linger a bit. Her lips were so soft, and I couldn't help but run my hand through her hair and pull her closer.
" I have to get dressed for work." I murmured
" Mm, no."
" I don't fucking want to, but I have to. You already lured me in after my shower to lie down. I need to finish getting dressed."
" Is there anything I can do to make you stay?"
" You're insatiable, I'm sorry though, sunshine. I'll be home later, and I can make it all up to you."
She released me and I kissed her nose and stood up. I put on a pair of already ironed black slacks, a leather belt and a light blue button up shirt that was tucked in. My black leather shoes were shined, as fucking always, and I slipped them on after putting on a pair of black socks. I grabbed my black silk tie and secured it around my neck in a perfect knot, laying it centered down my chest.
" You look so hot in that. Like...doctor fantasies come to mind."
" Should I give you a full examination Miss. Swan?" I asked jokingly.
" Feel free, Dr. Masen. I'm feeling a little feverish."
I rolled my eyes at her and closed my drawer, walking towards Bella. She slowly sat up, being careful not to be too fast. It was still a bit uncomfortable, but she wasn't having any bad issues with it as much. The first few days she was in a lot of pain, and the meds didn't really start helping as much because it was pretty intense.
I grabbed her hands and helped her stand. She took a deep breath and leaned into me, letting me hold her.
" Need help changing before I leave?"
" Yeah." she murmured
She was able to change her underwear herself, and I helped her into a pair of black thin cotton shorts. I put her into one of my wife beaters; because I am sure at this point Bella is almost living in them constantly. Once I was finished helping her; she pulled her hair back in a ponytail and went with me in the kitchen. She sat down on the couch slowly and talked with me as I got myself a bowl of cereal and some coffee. Bella claimed she wasn't hungry, but she would be soon enough.
The moment I sat down on the couch with a bowl of rice krispies with some of the almond soymilk we had, Bella was practically in my lap for a bite. I heaped up a spoonful and fed it to her, when she chewed and swallowed she looked at me oddly.
" That didn't taste like regular milk...and is that cinnamon?"
" It was almond soymilk or some shit, and yes, that was cinnamon, I put it in here."
" You drink soymilk?"
" Sometimes. It settles better in my stomach than regular milk. I have some kind of fucking lactose intolerant tendencies towards certain things."
She nodded, " Well, I like the way you have your cereal prepared, green eyes."
I let her have another bite and I finished it up myself, rinsing it off and putting it in the sink of hot water to take care of later. I looked at the clock and it was seven forty five, and I had to get going. I put on my jacket and grabbed my white coat from my closet. I reluctantly left Bella, promising to be back soon and with a kiss on her lips I was gone.
When I got to the hospital, it was a fucking mad house. I was thrown into it quickly, having to help everyone out. Apparently it had been like this since six this morning, and it was just crazy. There were ages from two to seventy four coming into the emergency entrance. I saw an old man wheeled in here after suffering from a massive heart attack.
They announced the time of his dead in the middle of the hallway. There was nothing they could have done to help him, and while I wished he could have made it, sometimes it happens. The circle of life can be fucking brutal.
There was a little four year old girl I was now examining, basically the cutest fucking little kid I've ever seen. She had long curly blonde hair and bright blue-green eyes, her mother was here with her and apparently Holly, the little one, has been crying from pain in her stomach. I felt bad for her when I had to press a little bit to see if anything was abnormal. It was a standard procedure not to be skipped over.
I checked everything right down to blood pressure on the little girl, finding nothing out of the ordinary, so we called for an x-ray on her just to see what could be going on. Showing up on the x-ray; we found a quarter.
A fucking quarter in the kid.
As if the old term ' did someone stick a quarter in you' was actually literal. They had to perform an emergency surgery, because there was no way she could digest that. The copper and other things in the quarter could harm her body and cause an infection if it's in there for too long.
Then I was passed onto taking care of a groping seventeen year old girl. She'd sprained her ankle during her early gym class this morning at school, and came in with her father. I had to put a brace on it, and she had to stay off it with some crutches. It was a really bad sprain, just a hair away from a break, but she was more than alright. Her hand kept grazing my ass when I turned around, and I was not fucking turned on by that. The smiles she kept giving me were borderline creepy, she was fucking jailbait. No way.
The day was full of random shit, and I did one transfusion on a woman in her early twenties. She had a lot of mental and emotional things going on in her life, she'd slit her wrist, and her boyfriend found her in her bedroom and there had been a lot of blood loss, we almost did two transfusions but she started to come around just fine. She looked like she wasn't happy to be here, and by here I don't even fucking mean the hospital, I mean the goddamn world.
It was a fucking stressful day, I was going all the time, but I knew there were probably going to be a lot like them in the future. But I guess that was the reason I wanted to get into this field, I wanted to keep busy, and as an Emergency Room doctor, I wanted everyday to be different and hoped it would be sometimes.
At eleven thirty that night; I was released, and I went straight home. I was past hungry, and not even feeling it anymore. I wanted to be at the apartment more than anything. I stumbled in five to midnight and saw Jasper passed out on the couch with the television on. I walked over to him and woke him up and suggested he to go sleep. I grabbed a coke from the fridge and drowned the contents of the can before stumbling towards my room to find Bella, who was surprisingly alert and awake in bed.
" Fuck, rough day?" she asked, taking in my appearance.
I tossed my white lab coat in my desk chair and took my tie off. I kicked off my shoes and took my belt off, and untucked my shirt from my pants. My body gravitated towards the bed and I laid down, resting my head on Bella's thigh. I felt her fingers weave into my hair and I sighed deeply. Her skin was so soft, hell, all of her is soft anywhere.
" Yeah, rough and long day. It was fucking nuts."
I moved up and wrapped her in my arms gently. I kissed her forehead softly and buried my face in her strawberry scented hair. I closed my eyes and relaxed into the mattress, sighing.
" You should take your shirt and pants off."
" I just got home, too tired for that."
She smacked my shoulder playfully, " Not like that, green eyes."
I smiled and sat up, shrugging out of my button up and leaving me in a wife beater, she laughed at our shirts matching, along with the fact that I was in black boxers and she had on black shorts. I tossed my clothes on the floor and laid back down, grabbing the blanket at the end of the bed to cover myself up with from the cool apartment. We had to get some heaters or some shit because even at seventy five it wasn't warm in here. Bella's leg kicked free of the comforter and she draped it over mine, hooking it around my hip. I carefully moved her towards me; careful not to hurt her, and she kissed my lips.
" I missed you today."
" I missed you, too. I would have come back for lunch, if it lasted more than ten fucking minutes."
She nuzzled my neck, " No, it's fine. I understand. I'm lucky to even be able to spend the night and mornings with you with the whole residency. In December...This might be gone. I want to enjoy it."
Holding her tighter, I closed my eyes and reveled at the feeling of her in my arms. Her eyes fluttered closed, her cheek lying upon my shoulder. I rested my head above hers on the pillow and held her to me. I felt her breathing even out slowly and I looked down at her, running my hand over her smooth skin.
" You're everything." I softly whispered.
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I awoke to the very loud fucking sound of thunder and lightning ringing in the air. My room lit up with the sparks of light, the floors shaking with the loud booming noise. The power was out; I couldn't see a fucking thing except for when the lightning lit up the room with a flash of blinding white
Bella was shaking in my arms and I felt her labored breaths against my neck. I groaned into the pillow and gently rubbed Bella's back. She sighed and I sat up, drawing her to me to try and comfort her.
" It's okay, sunshine." I whispered to her, my voice thick with sleep.
She burrowed herself deep into me, and I looked down at her.
" Are you in pain?"
She nodded, and I slowly slid out of bed, pulling her off of me. I walked towards my bedroom door, and I went straight for the kitchen. We had two flashlights in the cabinet. I bumped around before I reached it and grabbed them, turning them on. I got a glass of water and walked back to the bedroom, I set the flashlight straight up on my end table, lighting up my room.
I grabbed Bella's pills and went to give her them. Her shirt rode up and exposed her stomach to me, and her legs looked so creamy and soft.
Jesus Christ this is not the time for that for god's sake, Edward.
I sighed and set her water down for her, drawing her in my arms. I reached over and grabbed my iPod; I'd gotten it updated to a second generation iPod Touch a short while ago. It was new, just came out the beginning of September and I had to fucking get the best.
I turned it on, punched in the code and handed it over to Bella. Suddenly I heard The Runaways old school shit start coming out of my iPod. I forgot I even downloaded that, I had no issue with it, just fucking forgot.
" I used to listen to them, and Joan Jett and the Blackhearts when I was in high school."
I chuckled and leaned over her, " Bad-ass." I replied slowly, pressing my lips to hers and feeling her quiet groan against them.
Yeah, maybe it was the time for that...
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Bella bent over and grabbed her t-shirt, tossing it on blindly. Another strike of lightning was in the sky and she jumped, letting out a small yelp when she put strain on her incision. She laid back and looked over at me, smiling.
" When are you going to rock my world for real?" she asked.
" Don't tempt me."
She looked over at my iPod that was still playing music, and I leaned over her again and resumed a kiss. I felt her arms wind around me and she moved her hands down my bare back, over every dip, rough mark and raised scar. Her hands didn't freeze, but I felt my body tense up.
I was about to pull away, but she held me close and deepened the kiss, one arm around my neck and the other exploring my back. I pressed my lips harder to hers and just fucking put everything I could into it. Bella suddenly broke away and leaned back for a breath before coming back for more.
" You're fuckin' amazing." she breathed.
I smoothed her hair back and pulled away, tracing the bow of her top lip with my tongue. I felt her shiver in my arms and I wrestled my tongue back into her mouth. I groaned against her lips, my fingers locked in her thick, soft hair. I breathed heavily through my nose, not wanting to separate my lips from hers; she was the fucking amazing one.
She tasted like liquid candy or some shit, and not a hint of bad breath. I released one hand and let the other one travel down her body, being careful not to hurt her. I finally rested it on her jaw and anchored her lips to mine.
After about five minutes we finally pulled away, but I still felt her hand resting on my back. I chastely kissed her once more and she curled into me.
" That was fun, I feel like I'm in high school."
" Fuck high school. This is adult world; we can do that for hours, no parents here."
She looked up at me and I kissed her forehead just as another strike of lightning lit up the sky and rumbled loudly. The rain tapped against the window, and I reached down for my iPod, turning it off as I saw Bella already relaxed and starting to get more tired.
Her face moved towards my neck, and I felt her breath against my skin. Bella's hand moved up and down my back lazily, and she looked up at me adoringly, I almost didn't understand.
" You're...so beautiful inside and out. I want you to know that. You know the reason why I love these?"
" Why?" I asked, trying to keep my voice steady.
" They show me how strong you are." she whispered, kissing my neck.
" I'm not that strong."
" You are the strongest person I've ever met."
" You're just being nice."
" I am being nice, but I am also being very truthful. You just don't see yourself how I see you."
She was right. I probably didn't.
I rested my head on the pillow and ran my fingers through her hair. I felt her lips against my neck once more before she closed her eyes. Suddenly the apartment shook after another rumble of thunder, and Bella gripped me for dear life.
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At six o' clock in the morning both Jasper and I got calls. His classes were cancelled, and I didn't have to go to the hospital today, or attend my one morning class. The power was still out, and the storm was still going. I got a call from Esme, who was making sure we were okay, and Charlie had called Bella this morning, I answered her phone because she'd finally fallen asleep around four forty this morning, and he had called at seven thirty. I wanted her to get some sleep for as long as she could before it woke her up again.
Jasper had found another flashlight in his room, and we had put one in the bathroom, kitchen and one in the hallway. It was almost like nighttime outside, and I was really kind of surprised the weather men or women hadn't fucking predict this. Then again, the day a weather men or women are completely on target, hell will probably freeze over.
I walked into the kitchen and turned the flashlight on, grabbing a cup and a coke. It was still cold, and luckily we had like nothing in the freezer. Frozen tater tots and things like that, but no meat, and we were out of milk and cream in the fridge conveniently. Usually at the end of the week things get low. Jasper usually gives me a twenty and a list of things he wants and I do the grocery shopping. It's not a big fucking deal.
I laid on the couch and grabbed the afghan from the back of it, flipping open one of my medical books. It couldn't hurt to keep educating myself to memorize all of the cardiovascular system workings.
Jasper was doing whatever he fucking does, probably reading a book like me because the internet is obviously down.
My mind wandered a bit to my mother, and I found myself getting lost inside my head.
As of right now, I've been very ambivalent on the thought of trying to talk to her. On some counts, I want to fucking hear what she has to say about everything, and another part of me doesn't think that she deserves a chance after what she did.
I couldn't even get past the fact that she didn't even say goodbye to me. When viewing it in my position, I couldn't ever leave my child. How that could even be considered in my case and hers was astounding.
I wanted to know this shit, but some part of me didn't. Did I want to hear her say that she didn't want me anymore?
Some thoughts led to the fact that maybe my father wanted a child, but she didn't. Maybe she was forced into having me and when the fucking opportunity came to bail. She did. It was possible that she didn't want to leave me with an unstable, psychotic bastard and that was as far as her heart went out for love.
But then I remembered how she would hold me until I fell asleep, and sometimes stayed with me the entire night. She'd rock me and tell me how much she loved me and how sorry she was. I felt myself get lost in one particular memory that occurred the Christmas I was fifteen, before he died.
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Flashback
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I felt my body being shoved against the wall as he threw another fist in my direction. I pushed against his heavy body and kicked his shin with as much force as I could put into it. He sunk slightly and tried to push against me by grabbing my arms tightly with his hands.
" Fuck you! Get the fuck off me!" I yelled at him, shoving him against the wall just as hard as he shoved me.
I suddenly felt his knee come up and connect with my groin. I grunted in pain and fell to the ground, feeling his foot connect with my stomach then. I yelled out in pain and heard my mother in the background crying softly. I coughed roughly and bright red blood splattered onto the floor.
She did what I said. Never interfering.
I tried to stand, but he shoved me down and I felt the blade digging into my shoulder blade; instantly weakening me. I let out a hoarse groan of pain, and I felt the warm sticky wetness stream down my back and curling around my side to my ribcage. I saw the blood drip and I closed my eyes, shoving back against him.
The blade clattered to the floor and he shoved me into my bedroom before I clocked his jaw with my fist, knocking me straight into the hard wooden dresser. I crumpled to the floor in pain and he slammed the door shut, my room shaking. I heard him arguing with my mother as she cleaned up the broken glass. I'd dropped his fucking glass of wine and I get this shit in return. We were eating Christmas dinner, and apparently I was ' being a fucking bother as always'.
The moment the glass hit the floor he was out of his chair and shoving me to the floor. I felt the glass stick in my arms, bleeding and gushing out. I felt my body limp as I got up and went towards the bathroom. I looked at the mark in my shoulder blade, still gushing the dark red blood into the cotton of my shirt. I grabbed a rag and pressed it to my shoulder, trying stopping it. I squeezed my eyes shut and let out a low groan of pain that coursed through my entire body.
I heard the sound of the steam cleaner on the floor in the hallway, and the dragging of a bucket in the kitchen. After about an hour, it was silent and I heard my bedroom door open and close. I was sitting on the closed toilet seat, trying to get the glass out of my arms. My mother came into the bathroom holding a pair of tweezers and things to stitch me up. She set everything down on the counter by the sink and took my face between her hands, kissing my forehead.
" I'm so sorry, my boy." she whispered.
" Can you get another rag? This one is ruined."
She grabbed another from the cabinet and grabbed the bloodied one, she gasped when she saw the gash, and immediately pressed the rag to it. I groaned and bent forward, wanting the pain to go away.
" Let me get the glass out of your arms, sweetheart."
My mom carefully took all of the pieces out of my skin, putting a spray on it to prevent infection. Some were okay with Band-Aids over them; some needed a stitch or two. Once she had fixed my arms up she helped me with taking my shirt off. The blue and purple bruises were blossoming over my stomach and lower abdomen from his harsh kicks. My fucking junk still hurt from where his knee hit. I probably lost my ability to reproduce.
The bleeding had stopped and now my mother was stitching me up. She learned really well how to over the years, and I rarely had issues with the stitches breaking or anything of the sort. When she was finished, she put some gauze over it and taped around it with medical tape. I put on a fresh shirt and tossed the bloodied one in the trash.
I felt my body slump over to the bed, and I laid down, staring at the cold gray walls. I felt my mother's weight shift the mattress and she leaned against the headboard and drew me closer to her. I rested my head on my other pillow closer to her. Her arms cradled me as best she could as I felt the cold tears drip down my face.
" It will be okay Edward. I promise you it will be better one day. I love you, baby."
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End Flashback
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I was broken out of my thoughts when I felt Bella sitting on the edge of the couch after taking the book out of my hands. She somehow had done that while I was stuck in fucking flashback land, and set the book open on the end table. I felt her hand stroking my arm softly, and she gazed at me. I saw the small white scars from the glass on my arm, her hand smoothing over them.
" What's wrong, Edward?"
" Nothing...Just thinking about my mom."
" Do you want to talk to her? Get closure, Edward? Feel released from all of these...demons you have because of it. The ones you carry around."
I didn't fucking expect to hear all of that.
" What do you mean?"
" Just that...I rarely see you happy and smiling except for maybe when I'm with you."
" Is that a fucking issue?" I asked, getting defensive.
She stood up slowly, " I was just saying...I didn't mean it in a bad way. I meant it in a good way, to help you move forward and just be happy."
" I can't be consistently happy, Bella. My past won't ever be forgotten, I will think about it every day for the rest of my life whether I like it or not. That's the way it fucking is. Do you not get that? I thought it was clear."
" Edward...What the fuck? I mean, I see you're happy, I'm not forcing you; but don't you maybe want that closure. You haven't found it yourself, I mean...Fuck! Don't you want to be happy, all the time and consistently?"
" Good morning not so love birds."
" You make me happy. That's fucking enough. I don't need fucking happiness every second of the goddamn day. Nobody is always happy and shitting rainbows."
I felt my calm and collected manner slipping, and Bella was getting under my skin, she knew it. I stood up quickly and stared down at her. She looked pissed off.
" So? That's not the point. Why not try to be happier if you know it's possible. It's fucking stupid, Edward. I want you to be happy not just with me, but just in general, too. I know you want to be happy."
" We fucking met, what? Mid-may? We've known each other four and a half months. You don't fucking know me, or what the fuck I want out of life." I shouted at her.
" Excuse me? I do know you."
" Fuck that, you just sleep in my goddamn bed every night. That doesn't give you the ticket to know everything about me."
I immediately regretted the words that came out of my mouth.
" So, what? I'm your fucking whore now? Fuck you, Edward."
She made her way down the hall and Jasper was out of his room again in an instant, catching Bella and stopping her movement. I saw the tears stream down her face and I reached for her, grabbing her arm and pulling her towards me.
" No, Bella. I didn't mean that. I don't know why the fuck I said that."
" Well, it fucking sounded like it. Leave me alone, I'll call a damn taxi."
" In this weather? Fuck no. They aren't even running right now."
She moved away from Jasper and went into my bedroom; I went after her, ignoring Jasper telling me to let her be. He can do that with Alice, but Bella and I are opposites. Bella was grabbing her shit off the floor and I went to her, taking both of her arms and making her face me.
" Let me go."
" You're fucking hurting yourself. Stop. Bella, I didn't mean what I said, I was fucking angry, and fucking stupid. I need you to understand."
" THAT'S ALL I FUCKING DO! I UNDERSTAND!" she paused, " I had to understand my fucking mother was dead, I had to understand that I was on my own and I had to take care of myself, I had to understand my dad was just depressed, I had to understand that everything in my life was going to be fucked up besides my education!" she screamed at me.
I grabbed onto her and wrapped my arms around her.
I felt awful.
I felt like all this time was about all of my fucking issues, and her life was perfect in my mind. It wasn't, she lost shit, she knew what it felt like to have to understand that things can be shitty, and sometimes they might always be that way.
This all came on so quick, my head was almost fucking spinning in non-stop circles and I didn't know how to make this better. I just called the person that I fucking loved the most in this world a whore. I told her she didn't know anything about me when she was the one that knew everything. The ugly and the painful.
I did fucking love this women; I knew it in my heart. She kept me alive, kept me sane and made me feel better about myself.
" I know, I know you do. You understand everything. You're a goddamn fucking saint for putting up with my shit, and I don't deserve it. I don't deserve any part of you."
Her hands were in fists against my chest, and I gripped her wrists, not tight enough to hurt or bruise her, but enough to hold her to me."
" You're not the only one who is fucked up sometimes, Edward."
" I'm sorry. I'm sorry for acting like your life is perfect and great. I know that you have issues and shit to deal with, and I thought you knew that you could talk to me about anything that is weighing down on you. I want you to fucking know that now if you didn't before."
" You don't fucking think I'm a whore do you?"
" Fuck no. Bella, I didn't know what I was saying. I didn't...Never."
I grabbed onto her as tight as I could and held her to me. I felt her arms around my neck, holding on to me as if she would die if she didn't. I kissed her mostly bare shoulder, securing her to me. I couldn't lose this, the only thing in my life that was actually real.
Authors Note- Things are heating up a bit for the couple. But what happens when Bella constantly has to understand and forgive Edward for his outbursts?
Previous Question ( My answer)-Shower or Bath?
I'd probably have to say shower.
NEW QUESTION?- How many of you are those people that have to get over it and just understand?
Feel free to answer the question, leave me your thoughts in a review, they keep the writing juices a flowin'!