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storyline - "train"

prompt - heaven

Sometimes the days drag by and other times they fly in a flash. Either way, the passage of time is disconcerting. I felt like I'm living in some strange grey area, an in-between, an always-waiting.

Suppose I should be grateful. I have a job I like well enough and have even made a few friends because of it. I'm physically healthy and drug free, although not entirely craving free. Still, the jonesing only comes so often and for the most part I can deal with it. Try to see it like it's nothing worse than severe PMS; chemical imbalances that come and go, dragging me through the emotional mud.

You know what? I am grateful; I've made progress.

But I still wonder who I really am, and what it was I want. It's hard for me to see beyond tomorrow or next week; getting though today is a big enough deal for me. But I can't be that way forever. What's my destiny? Do I even have a dream? Is it to go to college, a couple of years late? Or to travel? Or become a wife and a mother?

Honestly every single one of these things appeal to me but the chasm between me and them seems formidable and huge.

Then there is Edward. Beautiful boy.

Who gives me the warmest hugs and the sweetest sometimes kisses and sleeps in my bed if I'm having a rough night. Who swallows back the envy and weirdness he feels for Laurent – I know it's there, I see it in the set of his shoulders, the dark that flickers across his face – and encourages me to continue with the NA meetings and hanging with people that have been through this. Edward, who faithfully drives me to therapy every Saturday and even when he can't stay gives me cab money so I can come home quickly and painlessly.

Edward, whose face is so fine and whose body is so appealing that he borderlines on divine, making my stomach twist and clench sometimes because I want him inside of me so so bad, more than just his tongue occasionally inside my mouth.

And even those kisses are too brief.

Capped my pen and put my notebook away. Getting out my thoughts, frustrations, failures and triumphs was awesome. Dr. Mitchell had suggested I start keeping a journal of sorts, saying I could use it to chronicle my journey, bitch about my day, or even keep lists of gratitude.

I did all three.

The gratitude lists were amazing. They actually made me feel better, like little verbal pills. It's kind of hard to be depressed when you're writing down all of the good stuff that's been happening to you since the last time you wrote a list like that.

I hadn't been kidding about time passing though. I'd woken up one morning and out of nowhere it was the Wednesday before Thanksgiving.

Edward's grandparents lived in the suburbs and the entire family was driving or flying in to spend the holiday with them. I knew his parents, and Alice of course, but I was still nervous. Not just about them liking me or whatever, but about being around that much love and affection and alcohol.

I'd never had an issue with drinking but it was a no-no just the same. It was easy to avoid it since Edward barely drank anyway but now it was going to be everywhere. I wasn't afraid I'd give in, just that I'd have to deal with the wanting.

Oh well. Nothing new there.

Edward tossed his duffel bag on the floor in the hallway, poking his head inside my room. "Almost ready?"

Zipped my boots up and stood, smoothing the long, gray skirt I'd chosen to wear for the drive. I'd matched it with a snug fitting v-neck sweater, and by the way Edward's eyes danced restlessly across my cleavage, I could tell I'd made the right choice.

"I've never seen you dressed up," he said softly, looking like he wanted to come in but wouldn't.

"Yeah, I guess that's true," I said just as softly, thinking back to our first time together. We'd been kids fresh out of school, doing nothing but hanging out all the time.

"You're perfect," he remarked, averting his gaze and grabbing my bag.

Stood very still, waiting for my heart to calm before joining him.

The car ride up was pleasant. Edward played Miles Davis' Kind of Blue and Sketches of Spain and I felt cozy and right and his, in some sense.

His family was welcoming and warm, not too loud but not too reserved and I found it was an easy environment for me to acclimate to. Should've known better than to have second guessed Edward – he'd never bring me to a place that would make me feel off.

His parents barely remembered me from our time in Forks, but they did know who I was and seemed glad to see me just the same. Alice, however, was a completely different story. She greeted me sweetly upon arrival, but I could see the surprise in her eyes. After dinner, when everyone was catching up in the living room, she sat beside me on the couch, where I was looking at an old photo album.

"Why didn't you tell me when you called that one day?" she asked quietly.

"I really wasn't in any sort of state of mind to discuss things, Alice. All I cared about was getting to Edward," I said, keeping my eyes of the pictures in my lap.

"Right. Because he'll always take care of you, and you knew that."

There was a bite to her tone that curdled my stomach. Slowly closing the album, I looked up at her, meeting her gaze.

"That's exactly why. And also because I love him, and I didn't want to be separated from him anymore."

She gave me a look of pity. "But if you love him then why are you doing this? He's has the brightest future out of anyone I know, Bella."

I felt like I was going to cry. "Why are you doing this?" I whispered, feeling my face get hot. "We used to be friends."

"You don't know how bummed out he was when you stayed behind in Forks. He really thought you guys had something, and you blew it to get high and slum it with that disgusting guy. How am I supposed to feel? Of course I want you to be happy, to have a good life. But I don't even know who you are, because you sure aren't the same girl I knew in high school."

She made a move to get up but I grabbed her wrist. "So what are you saying? That I'll never be any good for him? That I should leave?"

"You did it before," she said, shrugging as she got up. "I'm sorry."

And the sad part was, she did seem sorry. She genuinely loved her older brother and saw me as nothing but trouble. I'd proven that much in the past, who was to say I wouldn't screw it all up again?

"You okay?" Edward asked, watching me get ready for bed. We were sharing a room, as everyone assumed we were together. It was easier that way because really, why else would I be living with him?

"You're always asking me that," I said, trying to play it off with a smile.

He frowned slightly, pulling his undershirt off and a thermal on.

I think I did involuntary keigels.

"Did Alice say something?" he asked, climbing into bed.

"Yes." No point in lying.

"What?"

"Basically that I was no good for you, that I'd hurt you before."

He scowled, rubbing is hand over his face. "What we do is none of her damn business…"

"I know, but, she's kind of right. What are we doing, you know?"

"I haven't changed one thing since you came, Bella. I stopped dating Lauren and going out at night, which I barely did anyway. My classes and work hours are still as demanding as they've ever been, I don't know why she's making it sound like you're upsetting things."

"I think she's more afraid I'll upset you," I sighed, closing my eyes so that the tears would reabsorb.

"Remember what I said? Don't worry about me. Worry about you, I'll be fine. In fact, let me worry about you, too," he said, poking my belly.

"Don't start with that," I warned, grabbing his hand before a tickle assault could ensue.

Winking at me, he turned to pull the chin on the bedside lamp, casting the room into darkness.

Before I could say good night he pulled me into his arms and kissed my cheek, my forehead and my lips, quickly.

It was heaven.

"What was that for?" I asked breathily, snaking my arms around him too.

"I've been wanting to tonight. You look really pretty and I just … wanted to."

Instead of answering I held his face and kissed him slowly until he tightened his grip on me and opened his mouth. We kissed for awhile, and unlike other times, when he'd eventually pull away, he seemed to be getting more turned on. Knowing full well I should let things calm down, I pulled him closer so that he was half on top of me and pushed my body against his.

"I love you," he said in a really low voice. "I know what I'm getting into and it doesn't matter, okay?"

I slipped my hand up under his shirt, wanting to feel the warmth and softness of his skin.

"I wish I could show you how I loved you," I moaned, kissing his neck.

"You do," he said. "Every day, when you do what you're supposed to, you do."