Note: This chapter was a bit hard for me to write. There is a reason for it, and I hope you'll understand what I intend to express here.

Chapter 24

During dinner her soul had been filled with awkwardness and tension even though she had done her best to act calm and content. Louise believed she had pulled it off, and nobody had noticed anything amiss in her behavior. When she wanted, she could be the best actress, and this occasion called for her most dramatic skills.

Louise had been seated between Channing and Mr. Granger, who presided at the top of the table. The young man was quiet for most most of the time, but the rancher had hogged Lou's attention completely, asking her dozens of questions and talking about anything under the sun. On any other occasion Lou would have enjoyed the conversation, but tonight she just could not stay focused. Opposite her were Gloria and Kid, sitting side by side. They were talking and smiling. Lou eyed them from the corner of her eye, dying to know what they were saying to each other, but their words did not reach her, which was driving her nuts.

Her own fears and imagination were already playing havoc on her, and as the night progressed on, her mood sank deeper and deeper, and everything she had believed in so blindly hours before seemed to stagger. From time to time Kid's eyes checked on her as he talked to Gloria and that unnerved Lou even more. The craziest ideas crossed her mind, and although she knew she was delirious in her thoughts, she could not shush them away. Lou told herself that she was a fool; Kid was her husband and loved her. He could not be flirting with another woman under her very nose, especially when that woman was engaged and her fiancé was there.

After Gloria served dessert, Mr. Granger opened a bottle of champagne to toast the happiness of the soon-to-be-married couple. Lou eyed Kid, and this time he was a bit more enthusiastic in his congratulating words to the couple. As the dinner approached its end, Lou felt relieved to say the least. Yet, just after dinner was over, Mr. Granger told Kid and Channing he wanted to show them something in the study. The men excused themselves and left the two women alone.

In the sole company of Gloria, Lou felt even more awkward. She smiled a strange kind of smile when the woman suggested they go to the lounge. As they walked together, Gloria said, "A few months ago the doctor forbid Father from taking any strong alcohol, but I know he has a couple of whisky bottles in the study. That's why he asked the men there. He doesn't like drinking alone, and he knows I'll give him an earful if I catch him drinking. I guess I can play dumb tonight. It's a special occasion after all."

When they reached the lounge, Gloria politely asked Lou to sit on the sofa. "Would you like coffee or something?"

"No, thanks. I'm fine."

Gloria nodded, and sat next to Louise. For a few moments they remained in silence, and Lou then asked, "So when's your wedding?"

"In the summer. We haven't set the exact date yet," Gloria replied. "There are still quite a few months to go."

"I imagine you can't wait," Lou remarked casually, but in fact, she was consciously trying to get information from her. This woman had claimed to be in love with Kid, and Louise wanted to know whether there was still some fire in her heart, or if Gloria had forgotten Kid and had found real happiness with Channing.

Gloria opened her mouth to answer Lou's question, but instead of her reply, a sob rose in her throat, and tears flooded her eyes. The woman buried her face in her hands, crying uncontrollably, and Lou felt so moved that she forgot her own agony.

Louise dared to rest a comforting hand on the woman's back, and when the sobs gradually subsided, Gloria lifted her wet eyes to her. "I… I'm sorry," she said in a husky voice.

Lou shook her head, silently expressing the woman had no reason to apologize. "I know we've just met, but sometimes it helps to talk about our problems to an outsider. It can give us some kind of perspective," Lou said honestly.

Gloria kept thoughtful, considering what Louise was saying, and she finally spoke up. "I… I'm afraid I might not be a proper wife to Channing… the wife he deserves."

"Why?" Lou dared to ask. "If you love him, nothing else matters."

Gloria nodded. Lou was not sure if the woman was answering her implying question, or if she agreed with her statement. "Things … things are more complicated," Gloria said slowly. She paused again, sighed, and then continued, "I… I imagine you know what happened to me."

Louise hesitated, not sure how to reply to her words. "Uh… I… I…" Lou faltered, feeling totally awkward. "When Kid and I patched up our broken marriage, we talked about everything, especially his life here."

"It's logical. You're married. After all, everybody in this town knows what Hank did to me," Gloria said sadly. "You'd have heard my story sooner or later."

"Do you think that because of what happened you won't be a good wife?" Lou asked, and at Gloria's nod, she inhaled deeply before she added, "Gloria, unfortunately, I can't say I don't understand you. I even got to think at some point I could never be a proper woman again."

Gloria frowned in confusion, but when it dawned on her what Lou was implying, her eyes opened like saucers and her hand flew to her mouth in shock. "Oh my God!" she exclaimed. "Wh… when?"

Louise lowered her eyes to her lap. "A long time ago… I was thirteen at the time."

"You were still a child! Who could do something so horrible to a child?"

"That ruined part of my youth," Louise continued, "and I did believe it had broken my whole life. But I managed to keep walking. Having good friends and family by my side saved me in many ways. Meeting Kid was a real push in the right direction too. Yet, when he started courting me, I was so insecure. I did my best to hide what had rotted my soul years ago. He was so patient with me. He didn't know what my problem was, so things didn't go well for us for a while. When I finally mustered the courage to tell him, the road got smoother for us."

"Channing has known all along, but I wonder if when we get married, I'll be able… I'll be able to…"

"Do your duty as a wife?" Louise finished the sentence, saving Gloria from further embarrassment. The woman nodded, and Lou said, "I guess it's different in every case, but I do believe that when you're with the right person, things just fit. The past still comes haunting us, but if your man really loves you, he'll wait as long as it takes until you are ready."

Gloria sighed. "That's not the only thing that worries me," she confessed. "My story with Channing isn't a simple love story… it's kind of complex."

"Love is always complex, but may I ask what you mean?"

Gloria lowered her eyes, and as her fingers toyed with the material of her skirt, she started. "If three years ago I'd been told one day I'd be engaged to Channing Andrews, I would've laughed my head off," Gloria explained honestly. "I've known him all my life. He started working for my father when he was quite young, so he almost grew up here. It was never a secret he was smitten with me. Everybody knew, and me too. I never took him seriously. He was just a friend who was always around, and handy when I needed him. But he was not the kind of man I would even stop to consider. I have other aspirations and tastes."

Lou nodded. "I see."

Louise's voice made Gloria lift her gaze, and strangely she realized she was not alone. A deep breath filled her lungs as she continued, "Take your husband for example. He's a man easy to love," Gloria blurted out, and Lou stared at her with an open mouth as her whole body stiffened and a shiver ran down her spine. "Kid is handsome, strong, sweet, kind, easy to talk to, and the kind of person you could bare your soul to." Lou's face blanched more, which did not go unnoticed by the other woman. "Forgive my bluntness, but I imagine you know about me and your husband. So why do we have to beat about the bush?"

Gloria's words managed to alarm Lou even more. What was she saying about her and Kid? What the hell was she talking about? What had happened between the two of them? Louise wanted to shout and demand an explanation, but she was so shocked and her soul was in such turmoil that she was unable to utter a single word. A painful cramp shook her stomach, and her hand automatically flew to her middle as a defensive act.

Gloria was oblivious to what her speech made Lou feel. She averted her eyes, and staring at an imaginary point ahead of her, she continued, "You've seen Channing. He doesn't stand out in looks or personality. He's quite plain, too thin and lanky for a man. And he has never been much of a talker because he's way too shy. But don't get me wrong. I've always appreciated his friendship. He's loyal and trustworthy, and a very generous soul."

Lou was not sure where Gloria was heading to with her story. The woman had extolled Kid's virtues and excellence while putting her own fiancé down, and Lou did not understand why. She was shaken and scared of what the conclusion of this conversation would be. The night was proving to be too hard, and she wished she had decided to stay at home.

"When Hank… when he attacked me, and everything else happened, I lost many I considered my friends. I became a recluse in this house, and I guess it isn't easy to be friends with somebody who's always sad and bitter. My father was not well either, and in the middle of my most horrible loneliness, only one person remained by my side, Channing. Even if on those days I was always in a bad mood, and often treated him most unfairly, he never faltered… ever. He helped me look at life again, climb out of my shell, and find reasons to live. He was so good to me… so good. I re-discovered a new person in him, and noticed what the real Channing was like. So I started to see him in a new light."

Lou nodded. She was still fighting her own demons inside, and right now she did not care if her comments sounded too direct or lacking propriety. "Love and thankfulness are two different things."

"I know what you think… what everybody thinks. People don't believe I can love Channing, but I do… I really do with all my heart. He's never demanded anything from me. He's just been there in bad and good times," Gloria said. "It was actually me who encouraged him to ask my father's permission to court me. He was over the moon when I told him. You should have seen his face. I'd never seen him so happy-looking before. And yesterday when he proposed and I said yes, I thought for a moment he was gonna faint." Gloria smiled weakly at the memory, but then sobered straightaway. "I'm just sorry I took him for granted all these years. Channing is a greater man than I thought, and he deserves the best life can grant him. He needs a good woman by his side. And… now I wonder. How can I know I'm that woman? How can I be sure I won't make him miserable? I ain't an easy person to deal with, and maybe I don't deserve this honorable position in his life."

Lou breathed in deeply. Gloria's doubts and apprehension reminded her so much of her own. It was like looking at herself in a mirror. She knew the questions and even the answers by heart, but it was so difficult to apply her common sense to her own problems. "Love," Lou whispered. "Love is all that matters in marriage. If you love him, there's no doubt you're the one for him. Trouble, though, won't be a stranger, but as long as you have each other, things will work out."

"I tell myself that too, but I don't know… I'm scared."

"I see," Lou replied. "Just make sure you feel for real what you think you feel. Marriage is an important step, and when shadows darken our perception, we have to stop and look those shadows directly in the eye. Do you understand what I mean?"

Gloria nodded. "Thanks for listening, Louise."

Lou shrugged her shoulders. "You're welcome."

The small lamp she had left at the window was the first thing Lou spotted as they drove the wagon into the property. The drive back from the Grangers' ranch had been too quiet and awkward. Louise felt unable to shed the negative thoughts and sensations that the visit to Kid's former boss had landed in her soul. Terrible doubts boiled in her mind, and she was feeling so extremely sad she wanted to cry.

A few hours ago everything had been crystal clear in her mind. The sky was blue, the grass green, and the clouds pure white. Yet, now everything was tinted in a black color to her eyes. The idea that her husband had feelings for another woman grew stronger by the minute. It scared her to death to think that Kid was in this marriage just because that was his duty to her. Louise knew that he was an honorable man and took responsibilities to heart, and naturally his wedding vows were sacred and a priority. Lou knew that maybe without actually being aware of it, Kid tried his best not to follow his father's steps and itinerary. The man had been a terrible father and husband, and had ended up abandoning his family to their luck. That incident in his childhood had marked Kid, and now Lou wondered whether Kid was sticking to her because she was his family, and he had to drown the love he might feel for somebody else because of his strong beliefs.

The conversation with Gloria had not soothed Lou's fears, but had even increased them. The woman had confessed to being in love with her fiancé, but she had not said a word about her having forgotten Kid or her infatuation for him. In any case, what Gloria felt did not matter so much. What Lou was worried about was her husband. She wanted to know whether Kid loved Gloria as a man should love his wife. Louise knew she could not carry on in this marriage if it was not real. In that case, Kid should be free to choose the person he really wanted to be with. However much that hurt, she knew she could not accept a fake husband next to her. Maybe that was her punishment for neglecting him for so long, for taking him for granted, and not being the woman he deserved.

They reached the ranch, and Kid helped Lou off the wagon. He was feeling a bit light-headed since he had a drink with Mr. Granger and Channing. His former boss had insisted, and even though Kid did not like to drink, he was not able to decline.

As they walked side by side towards the house, Kid looked at his silent wife curiously, and said, "When are you going to tell me what's been on your mind all night?"

Lou stopped on the porch and turned round to look at him. "What?"

"I know you too well, Louise McCloud, and you've been mulling over something. Gosh, you haven't said a word since we left the Grangers."

"I… I…" Lou stammered, not willing to have the conversation now, but maybe it made no sense to stall him any longer. "I was thinking about Gloria. She's a nice, beautiful woman."

Kid sighed, suspecting where this was heading. "What about her?"

"I… I know what you told me about you and her, but… but tonight seeing you together made … made me wonder."

Kid's face was inscrutably serious, and his eyes stared at her icily. "Wonder what, Lou?"

Louise crossed her arms, and lifted her chin proudly. "I… I want to know what you feel for her, and what you really feel for me. That's all," Lou managed to let out.

Her question did not please Kid at all, and growing irritation started to get a grip of his whole will, which in combination with the alcohol was playing havoc on him already. It was incredible Lou could ask him that question after everything they had shared in the last two weeks. He thought he had shown her enough what his feelings for her were. After years apart, he had not doubted to open his door to her because he loved her. He had decided to forget the past and start from scratch because he loved her. There was not a single trace of a grudge in his heart because he loved her. He tried to make her feel like the queen she was to him because he loved her. And there was not a single day he did not express his feelings in words and actions because he loved her. How could she even consider asking that senseless question? Did she believe he could lie to her in something so important? What kind of person did she think he was?

"Kid?" Lou called out when he kept quiet and did not seem ready to talk.

Anger was boiling in Kid's veins, and the effects of the alcohol were also pushing him to the extreme. "What would you do if I told you that what you suspect about me and Gloria is true?"

His unexpected words felt like a punch in her face, and she stared at him, praying that he was just joking, but when she noticed his serious countenance, she felt her heart fall. "Wh… what?" she stammered.

"You want to know what I feel for Gloria. Why?" Kid exclaimed in a loud tone. "Because you think I'm in love with her, ain't that so?"

"Y.. yes," Lou muttered slowly, feeling ashamed all of a sudden.

"What if I am, Lou? What if I admit I'm totally, insanely, passionately in love with Gloria Granger? What if I say she's in my mind all the time? That I can't stop thinking about her for one second. That the passion I feel for her consumes me. That…"

"Shut up!" Lou cried loudly, unable to resist his words any longer. Hearing him was driving her crazy with pain.

"Why, Lou? Ain't this what you want to hear me say? Ain't this what you believe your husband feels? You think I lied to you about Gloria and took you back because I needed any woman to forget her and fill the void she couldn't fill, so who better replacement than the very person who made my love for her impossible?"

"Stop talking!" Lou barked as the tears pushed behind her eyelids. This was too much. What Kid was saying was too cruel and painful, and she couldn't take anymore. This could not be happening; this had to be a nightmare, but she knew it was real, and all she wanted was for the earth to open up and swallow her.

Unable to stand his presence, Lou dashed into the house as if fleeing from hell, but Kid followed her. "Don't you want to learn the truth, Lou? Ain't you curious to know that seeing you two together tonight made me realize how much I love her and how little I think of you?"

"Shut the hell up!"

Kid did not mind her, and took a few steps closer to continue his angry speech. "Haven't you ever noticed that when I kiss you I'm thinking of her? That when I make love to you, I'm imagining that your skin is her skin, that your body is her body, and that my lips want to cry her name? Don't you realize you can't be her?"

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" she cried at the top of her lungs, covering her ears with her hands at the same time as tears finally flooded her eyes.

Noticing she was too upset, Kid cursed himself for going too far with this farce, and as she flinched away from him, he tried to stop her by placing a hand on her shoulder. "Lou…" he called in a softer voice.

His touch felt like a branding iron, and in a flash she swirled around back to him. "Don't touch me!" she roared at the same time as her hand impacted against his face in a tremendous, sonorous slap. A sob escaped her lips as her whole world seemed to crumble down at her feet. She was hurting like hell, and blindly she ran up the stairs, ignoring Kid's calls from downstairs. In her room she locked the door and dropped on the bed heavily, and burying her face in the pillow, she could feel his scent, the tears soared and sobs racked her weak, petite body in the most terrible night of her life.