A/N Well here's hoping you all had delightful festivities. I had two whole days off and did lots of things I really like doing, so that was good. You know I love you all, and I continue to be moved and delighted by all the wonderful reviews and messages you send me in appreciation of my work.

But there is only one person that this chapter can really be dedicated to and that is lizardwriter, the first and true queen of Keffy goodness, and an inspiration throughout this story.

Well it is the holiday season, so you probably won't be at work, you almost definitely won't be at school, but you might well be with your granny. Be warned.

I don't own Skins, but I'd probably cop a cheeky feel if it was sleeping.

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25. Consciousness

Effy

I stopped taking my sleeping pills two days ago. I felt sure I didn't need them any more, and I didn't want to miss a minute of being with Katie. The nights used to be the worst of all, the darkness exaggerating every little terror that I dreamt up for myself. Sleep became impossible, as I forced myself to stay awake in constant fear. Sometimes, I wouldn't sleep for days, using any drugs I could get my hands on to keep myself conscious until I would simply black out from pure exhaustion no matter where I was.

But now the night holds no such horrors, for I get to sleep with Katie Fitch. It's the safest place in the world. No demons dare to interrupt my dreams with my warrior by my side, and even if we were in some kind of physical danger she has enough street fighting tricks to take down a fucking army. My reward was more than worth the risk. Not only did I get to feel every little nuance of the woman I loved as she moved around in the bed beside me, I could also feel the way she put her arms around me as we slept, hear the cute little murmured noises of her dreams. I got the chance to watch her sleep for once. Last night I even crept out of bed once it was daylight, grabbed my camera and took some shots of her whilst she was sleeping. A little pervy I know, but hey, I'm the crazy lady who takes pictures of her friends having sex so what can you do? But best of all, Katie was better than any medicine at making me feel rested. I came into the day refreshed and alive, instead of trying to fight away the chemicals that had been depressing my central nervous system.

And oh yeah, she talks in her sleep. Some of it's just nonsense. The other night she shouted out, "Make sure Emily gets to the picture-framers. We have to illuminate the donkey." But the thing that makes me smile is the number of times my name comes up in that subconscious jungle in her mind.

"Effy Babes."

"Effy, get the cauliflower."

"No, you can't have that. That's for Effy."

And of course my favourite.

"Oh God, Effy, honey."

Murmured in a tone that suggests whatever we're up to in her brain, it's a whole lot of dirty fun.

It has come as quite a shock, discovering how to be happy. I never really understood it before now. But that's what I am now, happy. I honestly think this week has been the best week of my life. It felt like the traditional massive weight had been lifted from my shoulders after my confession, it really did. I had been so worried for so long about revealing my feelings to Katie, that once I did I suddenly felt liberated. I realised that my intentions were honourable after all. I really did love her, and after my little pep talk with Emily I realised that there was nothing wrong with that. I could do this. I could love her without destroying us, because of who we were, and who we were together. The proof is in the fact that despite my revelation, we are tighter than ever. I know Katie is scared, and I know she is scared for me, but I am growing stronger every day. I love who I am becoming, and I know it is she that has made it so. So no matter what happens, I have to love her anyway, cause she is my angel, and she always will be.

When I kissed her in front of the ukulele orchestra, it lasted but a moment, but in that moment I felt us taking several steps closer to paradise.

"Fuck," whispered Katie, when I pulled away and looked her in the eye.

"Well yeah," I said softly. "That is kinda part of my evil scheme."

I saw another hint of panic flash across her eyes, and wondered when exactly it was that I had become so certain.

"It's ok," I told her. "You don't have to do anything you're uncomfortable with. You don't have to do anything for me to love you. I just do anyway."

"Effy, I…." she said hesitantly, but I never got to hear her finish, as we were interrupted by the strident tones of my wonderful mother.

"Effy, darling. There you are sweetheart," said Anthea, rolling up bottle of Prosecco in hand. "How are you doing, love? Fancy a drink with your old mum? Couldn't bum a fag of you, could I, sweetheart?"

I felt Katie shrinking away from me, but I couldn't be angry with Anthea. Instead I felt myself laughing. This had to be karmic payback for the David incident. I took a swig from my Mum's bottle, then handed it to Katie whilst I pulled out my packet of fags.

"Who's this bunch of bastards then?" said Anthea, taking a deep drag, and waving her cigarette in the general direction of the ukulele orchestra.

"Not so loud," I shushed her. "They're actually quite cool."

"Really?" shrugged Anthea.

"Yeah, really," I replied.

I was trying to lock eyes with Katie, to remind her that this wasn't over yet, but she wasn't playing. Anthea's arrival had rattled her, and the moment had been lost.

And so we, hung out for a while. Me, my would be girlfriend and my mum. And it was fun, apart from Anthea's not so subtle attempts to bum coke from Katie without me noticing. Needless to say my Mum was pretty shit-faced and starting to get all sentimental.

"Can't believe it's nearly all over," she said sadly.

"Yeah, the real world's gonna be a shock to the system," sighed Katie.

"It's been a bloody good one," grinned Anthea. "Still, onwards and upwards, ever forwards. We'll just have to make next year's show even better. Where's Little Red?"

"Where she always is," replied Katie. "With Naomi."

I could sense the sadness in her voice, not only that the end of the tour would mean letting go of Emily, but also that Anthea still seemed to favour her sister over her.

"Fucking excellent," smirked Anthea. "I'm so glad those two got it on. That other bitch was no way good enough for my Little Red?"

"You really love Emily, don't you?" said Katie.

"Course I do," replied Anthea. "She's my tiger."

"Yeah," nodded Katie, looking at the ground.

"But you, Missy," continued Mum, waving her finger unsteadily at her. "I fucking adore you. You are fucking incredible."

"Really?" said a shocked Katie.

"Look," insisted Anthea, holding out both arms in my direction. "Look at her. You gave me back my beautiful daughter. It's a fucking miracle."

"I didn't do anything," muttered Katie uncertainly.

"Bullshit," asserted Anthea. "We've tried a dozen therapies, we've tried a dozen cocktails of drugs, but all they've ever done is barely stopped her from plunging over the edge. But you rock up, and suddenly she starts fighting. This is the most wonderful gift anyone could ever have given me. Just to look in her eyes and see my Effy there again. I hope you know how bloody lucky you are to have her, Eff."

"Yeah," I said, finally catching her eye. "Yeah, I do."

"Good, well then I'll leave you girls to go and have some fun," proclaimed Anthea. "I'm gonna go find Red and Blondie before they shag each other to death."

And with that she was gone. Katie and I stared at each other for a few seconds before both collapsing into hysterical giggles.

"She's quite something," said Katie, with tears of laughter rolling down her cheeks.

"Welcome to the family," I replied. "Wanna go 'have some fun'?"

"Can we just go home?" asked Katie wearily.

"Yeah," I smiled, taking her hand and leading the way.

So there I was, forty minutes later on my third night without drugs, failing to get to sleep next to Katie. She had her arm draped lazily across my stomach and it was driving me crazy. She was driving me crazy. When we'd gotten home, she had made us both a nice hot chocolate. Nice and homely and friendly, you would think. But then she had gotten changed into the most gorgeous silky slip in pure white. It made her look even more like the perfect fucking angel that she was, but the way it showed off her perfect tits made me think entirely devilish thoughts. I couldn't help but look, she was fucking breathtaking.

"Are you perving, Effy Stonem?" she grinned at me.

"No," I answered sweetly.

"Yeah right," she scoffed. "You're practically dribbling."

"In my brain, there's no such thing as perving," I explained. "Only appreciative perception of aesthetic."

"You don't fool me with your fancy words, Stonem," retorted Katie. "I know a pervert when I see one."

"Either way, you're fucking beautiful," I replied.

It was such a gift to finally be able to be honest with her, and know that she wasn't going to run. What she chose to do with that information was up to her, but the coy little smile that crossed her lips at my last statement was enough to release a whole Amazon rainforest of butterflies inside my body.

"Just take your fucking pills and come to bed," she told me.

I came to bed, but I didn't take the pills, which was why I was lying there enjoying the sensation of her beautiful body wrapped around mine. Despite being so much shorter than me, Katie loved being the big spoon, as if she always wanted to protect me even in her sleep. I tried to curb my sense of disappointment as I felt her stirring, and she started to withdraw her arm. I expected her to roll over and continue sleeping with her back to me. I certainly was not expecting what happened next.

She stayed lying there next to me, and ran the backs of two fingers down my arm. The she flipped her hand and ran her whole palm, back up my arm to my shoulder. She repeated the whole motion, and then lightly kissed the back of my shoulder. My body was screaming at me just to turn over and let her know I was awake, but I was fascinated. She clearly assumed I was unconscious, and I would have been by now if I had taken my drugs. I wanted to see where she was taking this. Her fingers started to trace their way down my side, and I felt myself becoming excited, but I forced myself to try and keep my breathing steady. Katie continued her sensual exploration of my body with the lightest of touches, spreading her five fingers across my stomach and then drawing them back towards her. It was hard not to give myself away as she delicately slid her hand across my ass. Jesus, did she do this other nights? No wonder I was waking up happy. The back of her hand started to caress the small of my back, and a delicate hummingbird of a kiss graced the back of my neck, as the moisture started to gather between my thighs. She subtly drew one finger up and down the length of my spine, investigating each of my vertebrae in turn, and I nearly fucking lost it. This was the love she was too afraid to show me when I was conscious, and it was devastating. I swore to myself I would do anything to show her she could trust me, that if she let me see this love I would take care of it for the rest of my life.

Her hand slipped gently back up to my side, and then over its curve to stroke my stomach once more. Her fingers drew random patterns there for a while, lulling me into a false sense of comfort, before she suddenly reached up and flicked her fingers across my breast. I couldn't help but gasp, as the sensation rocked my entire body.

"I fucking knew you were awake," said Katie.

Busted.

"You've stopped taking your sleeping pills, haven't you?"

"How could you tell?" I asked her.

"It's your breathing," she told me. "It always gives you away. I've been listening to you sleep for months, I know your breathing like I know my favourite songs."

I rolled onto my back to face her, she was leaning up on one elbow with her other hand still resting on my stomach.

"I don't need them any more," I confessed. "The demons don't come when I'm with you. I don't get nightmares any more."

"That's wonderful," she smiled down at me. "And I'm sorry."

"What for?"

"Feeling you up in your sleep, because I'm too scared to tell you how I really feel, is a little creepy and invasive."

"But I want you to touch me, Katie," I assured her. "I want you to touch me anywhere you like."

She held my gaze as her hand slowly crept back upwards to cup my breast. The contact released another flood of wetness between my legs, but before I'd even recovered from the surge, the same hand was holding my cheek, and those beautiful brown eyes looked down at me with such exquisite tenderness.

"Last time you fell in love it sent you mad," she said sadly.

"Last time I was in love, I wasn't in love with Katie Fucking Fitch," I grinned back up at her.

And that was it. She leaned down and kissed me at the same time as she rolled on top of me and slid her leg between my thighs. I was helpless. As soon as I felt her tongue against my lips I opened my mouth to let her in. As soon as I felt full body contact with her, I melted and started pushing myself up towards her. As soon as I felt her leg slide against me, I wanted to spread myself wide open and let her take me. This was not how I had envisaged this at all. I thought it would be me being all cool and experienced, steering my nervous lover round the curves. But there was only one person in control of this situation and it wasn't fucking me.

When Katie was kissing my neck I wanted her to bite me and suck the very blood from my veins. When she was kissing my breasts and teasing my nipples I wanted her to take me so hard I forgot my own fucking name. When she flipped me over and started nibbling her way down my spine I wanted her to fuck me from behind and have me screaming. But Katie was having none of that. She wanted to kiss, caress and touch every part of my body with such elegant sensitivity, she made me want to cry. I was desperate for her to fuck me, but I wanted to feel the things she wanted to show me. This was about so much more than sexual satisfaction, I wanted to know her, I wanted to feel the truth of her in every last detail of every beautiful touch. Her lips were grazing patterns across my stomach, whilst the fingers of one hand played casually with my erect and sensitive nipple.

"Fuck, Katie" I gasped at her.

"Well yeah," she said with a wicked smile. "That is kinda part of my evil scheme."

Her lips trailed to the top of one of my thighs.

"Eventually," she smirked at me.

Her body leaned against my right thigh as her left hand scraped its way down my right, making white marks with her nails. She pushed against my knee with her hand, forcing my legs open, and I only had a second to register the hunger in her eyes, before a realisation sent my whole body into an electrical storm of anticipation. Katie Fitch was going down on me. A single flick of her tongue across my clit exploded every nerve ending in my body.

"You are so fucking beautiful, Effy," she told me, before another single flick of her tongue had me clutching at the bedsheets and thrusting my hips up towards her in desperation.

"Please," I begged. I fucking needed her so badly.

"For you, Babes," she said, before plunging her wonderful tongue back down into my folds.

From that moment I was completely hers. It's hard to believe that some of my lovers have even struggled to find my clit, when Katie seemed to instinctively know a dozen ways to drive me into a frenzy. Long slow vertical lapping, tiny fast frenzied horizontal flicks, kissing, sucking, nibbling, pushing hard against me and then withdrawing to a featherlight touch. She had me gasping for breath and writhing wildly beneath her generous attentions. For that was what it was. She was giving herself to me, she was giving me her love. I could feel it as she reached up my body and found my hand. I intertwined my fingers with hers, savouring that small moment of intimacy even as she began to increase her force and pace, driving me ever closer to the explosion of sensation I knew was going to come.

I was going to come. And I knew it was going to be different from anything I'd experienced before. Because I felt so fucking loved. With every touch she told me that I was the most precious thing in the universe. The pleasure was intensified by the feelings it invoked. Every physical sensation was multiplied by the fact that she had seen me at my worst, at my craziest and at my most vulnerable, and she still wanted to love me. My entire focus drained to the tiny bundle of nerves between my legs, and the way Katie was making me feel. My breathing quickened to an insane pace as the sensation built to a point where it could no longer be contained. I clung onto her hand as the last few flicks of her tongue drove me into a wild uncontrollable release. I've never been much of a screamer but I called out her name as the orgasmic wave smacked me in the face at a hundred miles an hour, and fucking knocked me backwards with its force.

I lay there in a daze, whilst somewhere in my consciousness, I heard her release a stream of curses a sailor would have been proud of. The next thing that registered was that she was kissing my belly over and over again.

"Come here," I pleaded, desperate to feel her mouth on mine again.

She responded by crawling up my body, taking her time to lick both of my breasts on her way up, before finally taking my mouth in hers in a deep and sensual kiss. I could taste myself all over her, and it made my body shake with aftershocks as she ran her fingers into my hair. She released me from the kiss, and pulled back to gaze at me adoringly.

"Katie, I…." I began. I didn't even know what I could say to her that could explain what I was feeling at that moment, but I thought I ought to try.

"Sssshh," said Katie, bringing her finger to my lips. "I'm going to kiss you now, and I'm going to keep kissing you until we fall asleep."

She brought her lips to mine in such a gorgeous tender kiss, I had no strength left to protest. Instead I let her kiss me over and over again. I let her hands retrace more delicate journeys across my skin, bringing me back down and soothing me wordlessly towards sleep. I can't remember the moment I lost consciousness. All I know was that I still had my beloved Katie in my arms, and she was still wearing her fucking sexy lingerie.