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CHAPTER 25

They took their time the next morning, packing up the cabin and locking it, making sure there were no food scraps to attract forest scavengers. Then they drove to the nearest town and had a late breakfast there, taking their time over coffee and enjoying the last few hours of being alone together. Rick had confirmed they would both return to the loft, and Martha and Alexis lived elsewhere now, but back in the city there would be more calls on their time and attention. They dropped their bags in the master bedroom, there being no question of them sharing the space again, and called a town car for Dr Burke's office.

Dr Burke's secretary greeted Kate as she always did, and showed them into a private waiting room where they would sit while the individual sessions were on. This was much more comfortable for both Kate and Rick, who had reservations about sitting in the common waiting area, not knowing who may walk in or past. The room was equipped with a water cooler and some magazines, and they made themselves comfortable on the tan leather couches.

After a few minutes Dr Burke himself came to see them, and chatted briefly with them, before sharing his intentions for the afternoon.

"Kate, Mr Castle, I initially booked these three sessions for you with the individual ones first then a joint one, but I think we should do the opposite. Start with the joint one first, then you can decide who wants to go first for the solo sessions. How does that sound?"

Rick and Kate looked at each other, and then nodded, and Rick spoke.

"Whatever you think best, Dr Burke, and please, call me Rick. Mr Castle makes me sound too old." There was a twinkle in his eye as he said this, and Kate was glad to see the humour coming back into their interactions.

"OK, then, come on through." Dr Burke ushered them into his office, and made his way to his usual chair, to the left of the row of windows. Rick hung back and watched Kate as she took her seat opposite Dr Burke, so he made his way past her to the chair closest to the windows on the right hand side of the conversation area. He saw Kate toe off her shoes – flats, which he was still not fully used to seeing on her – and pull her legs up underneath her. Only after she was comfortable did Dr Burke speak again.

"Kate, I know we have spoken a few times in here and on the phone about your current situation. What would you like us to start with today?"

"As you know, we spent the last week or so at the family cabin, talking about what happened the last three months. I have told Rick about everything that happened since I walked out on our marriage" she cringed as she said this, but continued; "and what I was feeling and thinking at the time. We also agreed on a couple of rules for this period of our lives, one that we would be totally honest with each other, and two, …" here she paused, glancing at Rick, and took a deep breath before going on; "there would be no physical intimacy until we had resolved our issues."

There was silence until Dr Burke asked "was that your request Kate?"

"No, that was mine." Rick spoke for the first time in the room, and his voice showed how uncomfortable he was with the whole idea of therapy. Dr Burke just glanced at him, and nodded for him to continue.

"Kate and my physical relationship was always explosive, we have this most amazing chemistry that existed since we met. We get so lost in each other that nothing else matters. I was afraid that if we were to …. Be intimate again ….. before we had sorted out these issues, we would get distracted and get off course, and revert to how we were before she walked out, with nothing being resolved and nothing changing." Rick was looking at his hands, and Kate could see he was embarrassed, and she bit her tongue to stop herself from interjecting.

Dr Burke just nodded at Rick again, and kept looking at him and eventually Rick felt he had to fill in the silence. "I love Kate with all my heart and soul, but I know that because of my feelings she can hurt me more than anyone else ever has. If she was to walk out again, I don't know what I would do. I need to get our relationship back to an even keel, for us to be equal partners, with no distractions."

Dr Burke could see that Rick had reached the end of what he was willing to say, and was surprised he had spoken so much. Kate had previously told him that Rick was not one for therapy, so this must be very hard for him. To help him out, and to move the conversation forward, he looked at Kate.

"And how do you feel about this, Kate?"

Kate looked at Dr Burke, knowing the question was coming, but not really prepared to answer it. She also understood, from many of these sessions previously, that he wanted her to verbalise her answer not just for him and herself, but for Rick as well. She remembered she had agreed very quickly when Rick asked, feeling bad that she had pushed him to this, but she certainly was not totally comfortable about it. This room was only for total honesty, so she gathered her words and started.

"My first thought when he told me was Oh God, that I had pushed him so far away from me, because as he said we were always so compatible. I agreed, of course, because I want to do everything in my power to show him I am committed to him now, and however he wants us to do that, I must accept. But I missed my husband; I still miss him, even though we have been physically close again, holding hands and hugging since I found him."

"Do you remember when you and I spoke as you were following Rick in his car? I told you that you needed to think about what you were and were not prepared to do? You just said 'however he wants us to do that, I must accept.' That is not true Kate; you don't have to accept anything Rick asks, just as he doesn't have to accept anything you ask. You have both expressed a desire to be equal partners in the relationship, but it sounds like you are giving in to whatever Rick wants just so you can have him back. As with most things in a relationship, in a marriage, you need to reach a compromise you are both happy with."

Kate had gotten up while Burke was speaking, and was now pacing around his office, obviously agitated. When he finished, she looked at him, then her gaze lingered on Rick, her anguish clear on her face.

"I hurt him, so many times; this is just the latest occurrence. It has always been about what I want, what I think is best for us to do. He needs to be in control-"

"No, Kate, it's not about control." This was Rick, now also standing up, and facing her, blocking her pacing. Burke was still sitting gazing at them in silence.

"I need you to be in this relationship, as much as I am. I have been in love with you for a long time, years before you let me in and allowed me to love you. That sort of one sided partnership is not healthy, just like you making all the decisions that impact on both of us is not healthy. We need to be equal partners, sharing everything and working things out together. I want to make love to you so much it's a physical ache, but without getting to the bottom of why you walked away from me, and making sure it doesn't happen again, I am just setting myself up for heartache again by allowing you all the way back into my heart and soul again. You had walls when I met you, protecting you from being hurt again. I had to build those walls around my heart the last three months, so I could continue to function as a human being for my mother and daughter. Making love to you will break down those walls again, and then I have nothing to protect me."

There was silence in the room again after Rick finished, the two standing just staring at each other, Rick willing her to understand, Kate stunned again at how much she had hurt him, that he had to protect his heart from her. Once again, she wondered if she was doing the right thing for him, by trying to win him back. Perhaps he was better off without her. She dropped her chin to her chest, her hair falling in a curtain and hiding most of her face from her husband.

Burke noted the time and spoke into the silence.

"What are you thinking, Kate? Do you want to continue here, or in private session?"

Kate's head snapped up, staring straight at Dr Burke. Then she nodded, not once looking at Rick, who took the cue to make his way over to the door of the private waiting area. Only once the lock clicked did she move to sit down again. She took a breath to gather her thoughts, then looked Dr Burke in the eye as she said the words she was dreading.

"Maybe he is better off without me after all."

TBC

A/N: the next couple of chapters will deal with this session with Dr Burke, and I have found them difficult to write, not being a therapist. I have used Garrae's stories What's in a Name and Resurgence for inspiration of Dr Burke, so those parts I got right are thanks to him. The wrong bits are all mine. Apologies for how long a break it has been between weekends, first I had no internet and then I have been sick. We should be back to normal programing now.