Hey guys, I know I am always late these days. I don't think I'll be able to keep up with the one week schedule anymore now that college is about to start and I have two stories to handle, but I'll be updating as frequently as possible.
The Return crossed 300 reviews! I am SO happy! This is unbelievable. Thank you so much, everyone, for leaving your feedback, favoriting and following. I'll never be able to explain how much it means to me.
Extra long chapter here! :)
I wake up with my limbs entangled with Tobias'. His eyes are still closed as I slowly peel myself from his body, breathing deeply in the comforting, musky scent that is just him. He sighs when my hair accidentally brushes across his face. The deep ocean blue eyes stare up at me, and his hand stops my progress in getting away from him.
"Morning," he says, his voice deep from sleep. "Sleep well?"
"Yes, thank you." I smile. "You?"
"I've discovered I do when I am with you," he says. His eyes flick momentarily towards my legs as I shift, my thin nightdress riding up a little to expose my legs till thigh length. I smile at his words, my cheeks heating up under his gaze.
"I'll go to the dorm and change," I say. "See you at breakfast?"
Tobias nods, pressing a quick kiss to my forehead before letting me go. "I'll be there," he promises.
Christina is already up when I enter the dormitory. In fact, most of the inhabitants are. And none of them look very good. The haunted look on most faces speaks of nightmares. Most of them are still blinking sleep out of their eyes as I begin to rummage in my drawer for clothes.
"Hey." Marlene smiles at me weakly, an upward twitch of her lips which does not touch her eyes. Her eyes are red-rimmed. "Where were you? Your bunk doesn't look very well slept in."
"I —" I open my mouth to speak, but Christina cuts in.
"With her dear boyfriend, of course." She grins a little. "Wish the rest of us could have such caring men in our lives." Her smile completely slips off at that and she looks down. I know she is thinking of Will.
"I should have slept with Uriah, then," Marlene jokes. "Would've done us both good, even if it might have included flashing some underwear. The bunks are small."
"What's this about flashing underwear and sharing bunks?" Uriah asks, stepping out from the boys' bathroom. "Whatever it is, I'm in."
Marlene punches Uriah in the arm. He just laughs and drapes his arm around her shoulder.
"Hey, so are you two —" I ask Marlene as we step towards the shower.
"What? No, not yet!" Marlene exclaims, turning red. "It — it doesn't look like that, does it?"
"I was just asking if you were dating yet." I laugh as understanding dawns on Marlene's face and she chuckles.
"Oh. Well, not yet for that either." She shakes her head with a smile, looking much happier than before. "About my previous question, does it —"
"Does too. You sure look like you're getting some," Christina laughs, walking in behind us, and laughs even more when Marlene's face turns beet red. "Kidding. Girl, just get together already. You two are practically a pair as it is." Marlene just smiles a little, shaking her head. I smile at the two; Christina and Marlene have become fast friends, something which I hadn't seen last time because of our rift. Being victims of the same scheme has created a bond between them.
"I just wish my man would be back too," Christina says wistfully when Marlene goes off into the shower.
"He will be," I tell her quietly.
"I know." Christina sighs. "And I wish the nightmares would stop."
I have no answer to that.
-o0o-
Tobias and I sit down to breakfast together. Other than a few catcalls from random people and jealous stares from some girls, no one pays us much attention. People are talking amongst themselves, but the usual chaos and random fun that is seen in Dauntless is gone. The nightmare lingers in people's eyes.
I cut my pancake into small pieces, picking one of them up. As I swallow the piece in my mouth and look down, I notice that a big piece is gone.
"Tobias." I narrow my eyes at him.
"What?" he asks with angelic innocence, but the little bulge in his cheek gives him away.
"Stop stealing my pancake."
"It was only one piece." He grins.
"Well, then I can have a bit of your cake." I smile devilishly.
"Hey, no, not the cake!"
I laugh, trying to get past his arms and pick up some of the chocolate cake on his plate. We struggle playfully for a while, then abruptly stop. Something is wrong. And then I realize what it is. The whole dining hall is silent. Everyone is looking at us. I look at Tobias, puzzled. He looks just as confused.
"It was Four," a man says, and I recognize him as one of the men outside the control room yesterday. "He said he stopped the simulation."
"What happened yesterday? How did you stop the simulation?" someone calls. Soon everyone is demanding the same thing — explanation. I want to get out. But even as I let my eyes dart around nervously, my gaze falls on Christina. She is looking at me.
"What happened yesterday? I'd like to know it too," she says. "Please tell us, Tris."
I sigh, looking at Tobias. He looks nervous, but he nods.
"Okay," I say quietly. "Okay," I shout this time, and everyone falls silent. "I'll tell." Everyone is looking at me. I feel the urge to look at the floor.
"We had got wind that the Erudite were planning to attack Abnegation with the help of Dauntless." I tell them all of it — Max and Eric's plan, our mode of action, what we did. I leave out the parts of me nearly shooting my mother, of my confrontation with Will. When I am done talking, the silence is deafening.
"Tris, Four," a woman says, and from her similarity to her sons, I recognize her as Zeke and Uriah's mother. Her voice shakes with emotion. "We can't thank you enough. I think you have earned the title of Dauntless."
Cheers break out across the room. I hear claps and cheers, praises and wolf-whistles. But I can't feel them much. I don't think I deserve them.
"But how were you awake?" Shauna asks me from a table away.
"The simulation didn't affect me. I am Divergent." I look at Tobias. "We are Divergent."
The effect of my quietly spoken words is immediate. Silence falls, then everyone starts to mutter. The looks I get are varied — awed to curious to judgmental to disgusted to scared. I am so uncomfortable now; I really want to get out.
"Want to leave?" Tobias whispers in my ear. I nod gratefully.
"Let's visit your parents," he offers. My eyes widen.
"Are you sure?"
He looks nervous, but nods. "Get ready. We'll meet at the entrance."
I nod again and gratefully take the escape.
It takes me a few minutes to dress appropriately. I walk from the dormitory down an empty hallway which leads to the Pit. I am straightening my jacket one last time and tucking some loose strands of my hair into my braid, when someone roughly pushes me against the wall. I find myself face to face with soulful brown eyes and a face which appears younger than mine. The eyes are bloodshot and wild, the face contorted with rage. It takes me a second to fathom what is happening, and then my reflexes kick in. Even as the boy tries to land a punch on me, I twist in his grip and stomp on his foot, jerking my head back to hit his face. He was evidently unprepared for my skills and acting on impulse alone; he lets out a yelp and steps back. I rapidly put some distance between us, breathing heavily. My attire has already become ruffled.
"What do you want?" I gasp out.
"You killed him!" the boy screams at me. He cannot be older than me; he is probably a resident Dauntless, yet to be initiated. I don't know him. His words make my insides turn cold. "My brother died! And all because of you!"
I stumble back. "W-what do you mean?"
"He got shot near the elevator and you were the one going trigger happy! You killed him, you bitch!"
"I — I —" I don't know what to say. I feel the blood drain from my face. The boy's brother must have been among the soldiers who charged on us in the elevator. "I didn't —"
"You're a bitch," the boy spits, looking positively deranged. His breath reeks of alcohol. "They can call you a hero all they want, but you're a killer!" His fist swings out towards my face, and this time I don't stop him. It collides with my nose with a wet and painful crunch.
He swings his fist back again for another hit, but a voice stops him.
"Hey!"
Both of us turn to see Uriah running towards us, looking furious.
"What do you think you are doing? Leave her alone!"
The boy laughs bitterly. "Yeah, go on, defend her! She's a freaking hero, right? He killed Joe, you know! He killed my brother!" He bellows the last sentence out.
Uriah's expression doesn't change. "It wasn't her fault," he says coldly. "If anything, you should be thankful —"
"Of course, that's what you'd say! I bet you're as much of a freak as she is." Uriah flinches. "Yes, I remember, I saw you out there. You were awake, weren't you? You are Divergent. You are screwed in the head too!"
"That's enough," Uriah growls. I have never seen him so angry before. "You —"
"What is going on here?" I turn at the familiar voice to see Tobias striding down the hallway. The boy gives him a venomous glare and then runs off in the opposite direction, muttering something about Divergent and freaks.
"Tris!" Tobias' eyes widen as he notices my bloodied, now throbbing nose. "What happened?"
"Just a pansycake taking his misery out on Tris," Uriah says with a grimace. "You'd better get that cleaned up," he tells me. "I'll see you around, yeah?" He offers me a smile that doesn't reach his eyes. He looks pained and angry.
I nod. "Thank you." My voice comes out like Peter's after I had broken his nose.
He shrugs and smiles again before leaving. And so Tobias and I are left alone. Frowning at the condition of my nose, Tobias wipes the blood off with his sleeve.
"Come with me to the infirmary," he says. I shake my head.
"I'll just clean it up; it'll be okay. I — I just need to get out."
The frown on Tobias' face deepens. "Are you —"
"Please, Tobias." I look at him with pleading eyes.
He sighs. "At least let me see to it."
"Okay," I say in a small voice. Tobias leads me to the drinking fountain, and cupping his hands to fill it with water, splashes it on my face. I wince at the coldness hitting my nose, but after repeating the gesture a few times, Tobias seems slightly satisfied. He grips my nose gently, testing its condition. It hurts.
"I don't think it's broken, but it's bad," he says. "Promise me you'll let me take you to the nurse after we are back."
"We'll see," I say vaguely. Tobias purses his lips, dissatisfied, but doesn't say anything.
"Let's go?" I offer. He nods, then offers me a gun. "It might seem inappropriate, but I think it would be unwise to step out of Dauntless unarmed."
I don't feel happy at the situation; inappropriate doesn't even begin to describe carrying weapons in a place of mourning, but I know Tobias is right. It would be foolish to be defenseless with the traitor Dauntless and Jeanine after us. I nod, warily curling my fingers around the weapon. It feels heavy and hateful, especially with the boy's accusations still ringing in my ears. Together, we start walking. I feel defeated, the guilt I had only just managed to push away crowding over me all over again. We move out of the Dauntless compound, but the discomfort chases me on; how many loved ones of the Dauntless down there have I killed? Last time, I know I had killed many more, but situations had not permitted me to think about that, to think about anything much beyond my parents' death. But this time, I have ample time to think about it, and people have opportunity to blame me for their loss now that the truth is out so soon, while their pain is fresh. They called me 'Dauntless ' this morning; they cheered for me; now I am not sure I am deserving of any of it.
"What happened in there?" Tobias breaks the silence between us once we board the train, sitting down close to each other. Every step we took had to be careful; we kept looking around warily all the time to ensure that no traitor Dauntless were in our vicinity.
"Nothing," I say shortly.
Tobias raises an eyebrow. "As far as I know, 'nothing' never gave anyone bloodied noses, Tris."
I scowl, not knowing why I am so annoyed all of a sudden. "I don't want to talk about it, Tobias."
"Look, Tris," Tobias begins seriously, "what happens to the remaining loyal Dauntless and what happens to you is my —"
"God, Four, can't you believe for a second that I can take care of myself? Why do you have to act like you are my fucking guardian?" I regret screaming out those words as soon as they come out of my mouth. Tobias' eyes widen, hurt filling them, and he drops the hand which he had placed on my arm. Though we are sitting inches away, the distance between us seems to grow by miles.
"I — I am sorry," I say quickly. "I didn't mean to say that."
He looks at me, but his eyes are closed off.
"Did you not, now?" he says evenly, his voice quiet, laced with hurt.
"No," I say as sincerely as possible. "I know you meant well. I just... have been pretty messed up, I guess."
Tobias doesn't say anything. Tentatively, I reach out and place my hand over his. He jerks it ever so slightly, as if about to shake it off, but holds it in place.
"I don't want us to fight, Tris," he says, not quite looking at me. "Just because I care about you doesn't mean I don't have faith in your strength. Were it so, I would never have let you go to Abnegation alone yesterday."
I sigh. "I know. I am sorry. I got carried away. That was out of line." I pause. "That boy... I killed his brother."
Tobias' eyes widen. "He was among the soldiers you shot by the elevator," he guesses.
"Yes," I say. "The boy blamed me for his death." He was right.
"No, he wasn't." I look up, startled to realize that I had said my thoughts out loud. Tobias looks at me gravely. "It's easy to point fingers at people when you have lost someone, but most of the time we forget what it was like for the person who pulled the trigger. We almost never think that way."
The simple and yet meaningful words he says goes straight to my heart. I shift close to him, relieved when he drapes his arms around me.
"We never get over what we have done, what we have lost. I'm not asking you to do that, Tris. But you need to stop punishing yourself," Tobias says softly.
"I know." I rest my head on his chest. "I am really sorry for saying all that. I love you, you know."
He smiles a little, pressing a kiss on my hair. "I know."
-o0o-
The streets of Abnegation are peppered with bullet marks, as are the houses. An air of desolation clings to the surroundings, but at least it is not the ghost town which it must have been reduced to last time. Silence stretches around, but not eerie, just wary. Most doors are closed, but there are some people around. Surprising me, they smile at me with the typical close-lipped Abnegation smile, offering me little bows as Tobias and I pass. Many walk over to me and openly thank me, their demeanor quiet but their eyes full of sincere gratitude. They consider me a hero. I feel anything but.
After managing to pass through the series of thankful families, which increased in number as the voices attracted attention, Tobias and I finally make our way towards my house. Tobias' hand holding mine feels like the only real thing around. Everything else appears surreal to me.
By the time we stand facing the gray door with the correct number written on it, both Tobias and I are suffering from a bad case of sweaty palms. This is not just a visit to a mourning family, this is a visit to my family, and this is the first time my parents will be formally meeting my boyfriend. The thought sends pools of excitement, sadness and worry swirling in my belly.
"Are you ready?" I ask Tobias. He looks nervous, and the uncertain expression on his face is so rare and rather amusing, had it not been this situation I'd have laughed.
"As ready as I'd ever be," he says. "Let's do this." I nod, taking a deep breath, and raise my free hand to knock. Tobias makes an attempt of pulling his hand away from mine, but I stop him.
"Don't," I answer his questioning and anxious glance. "Don't let go." I don't know who needs the other's touch more, but I know that I, at least need his hand in mine, to keep me firmly rooted to sanity among other things.
I knock.
My father opens the door. He looks like he has aged several years overnight, his usually neat appearance ruffled today. His hair, close cropped in the way Abnegation do, appears uncombed, and his eyes are just a bit red. At that moment I am reminded that Caleb was the favorite child between the two of us for my father, even though my parents usually were careful not to show any partiality in treatment. Caleb's transfer had hurt my father, but he had accepted him with open arms when he came back. And now he has lost his son, permanently.
"Beatrice. Come in." Dad offers a weak smile. His eyes fall on Tobias and then lower to our joined hands, and his eyes seem to bulge out of their sockets, shock making him snap out of grief. "Uh, and your... friend... can come in too," he manages after some hesitation.
Biting back laughter at his reaction, I step inside the house with Tobias. The movement promptly makes all amusement disappear from me. The gray walls of the house seem sadder than ever. Where once they radiated a sense of calm, now they seem to echo my family's grief. An urn is placed on the mantle over the fireplace — Caleb's ashes. I flinch at the sight of it. Tobias stands beside me, his eyes darting around the room in small movements of curiosity, his body screaming out his discomfiture. My father's eyes drift between his black clothes and our entwined hands, and I can practically see the gears turning in his head, his lips pursed. I expect him to ask questions, but he doesn't.
"Well," my father says, "won't you sit down?"
We do. For a couple of seconds, we sit in uncomfortable silence, neither of us knowing how to start a conversation. Then my mother enters the room. She looks sad too, her eyes, Caleb's eyes, dimmed, but the fierceness of spirit which I had only come to notice later in my life is still intact.
"Beatrice! I was hoping you'd come." Her smile is more genuine than Dad's, and when her gaze falls on Tobias, a look of surprise crosses her face. She gives him a kind smile before sitting down beside my father.
"Mom, Dad..." I pause, trying to gather my breath, "I am so sorry." My eyes drift to the urn as I speak, making it all too clear what I am talking about.
My father looks down. "We all are. But it was a good death," he says, his voice thick with emotion. "He did what he went for. He made us proud." Mom stays silent, but her eyes are alight with pride too. They don't know that Caleb was a traitor, that he had sided with Jeanine the whole time. To their eyes, he is a martyr. I let them think so, not wanting to hurt them further. He did redeem himself. And with that, my sense of guilt deepens. Under the table, Tobias squeezes my hand, as if sensing my feelings.
"I am really sorry. It was my fault. I should have —"
"It is all right, Beatrice. Whatever happened, it is not your fault," Mom says. "Caleb found his peace, I am sure. That is all that matters."
It is all Abnegation nonsense, but I don't comment.
"I am glad you are okay." Dad grasps my other hand across the table. "Without you, the simulation couldn't have been stopped. Everyone from Abnegation is indebted to you."
"It wasn't just me," I say. "I couldn't have done it without his help." I look at Tobias. My parents look at him as soon as the words leave my mouth. And I realize my mistake. Tobias looks even more uncomfortable with all the attention focused on him.
"Oh," my father says, looking at him curiously. Tobias holds his stare. "That is nice to hear. I never asked your name."
I fidget. "Uh, Dad he is —"
"Tobias Eaton, sir," Tobias cuts in. I freeze, my eyes widening as I look at him. He isn't looking at me, but he looks resolute. Absolute silence falls across the room. My mother looks surprised, but there is the slightest of smiles at one corner of her lips. My father's eyes are wide. I hold my breath, waiting for his reaction.
But then he does something I had not expected at all. He reaches out across the table to hold Tobias' free hand in both of his. Tobias' eyes widen in shock, and he almost pulls it back. My father doesn't seem to notice.
"I'm so sorry, son," he says, his voice sincere, his eyes full of emotions. "I — I never knew what you went through all this time. Marcus lied to us all these years."
"I hope you can forgive us, Tobias," my mother says. Dad must have told her about Marcus' confession. "Or would you like us to call you Four?"
"Tobias will be fine, Mrs. Prior," Tobias says quietly, still looking shell-shocked at how things turned out. My father looks at him curiously.
"Please call me Natalie." My mother smiles, which fades away as she speaks again. "We never knew what a monster he really was. I swear we would have helped you in any way we could have if we had known."
Tobias nods, looking between my parents. "I believe you," he says simply.
"I'd have him suspended from leadership, but unfortunately we don't have enough proof," my father says grimly, anger flashing in his eyes. "Unless you personally file a case against him, I am afraid nothing can touch him. Would you —"
I want him to say yes, but Tobias shakes his head.
"It's okay... It was quite some time back. Please don't feel guilty about it, Mr. Prior, Mrs. — Natalie."
My mother smiles a little sadly. "Well, you sit, I will get you something to eat."
"I'll help," I say and follow her into the kitchen. She smiles at me as she puts some chicken in the pan. "Things seem much better between the two of you since I first saw him," she says, mischief in her eyes.
I blush. "They are," I admit.
"I am happy for you," she says simply. "Keep him well. He deserves some love."
I nod, and together, we work in silence for some time with the same seamless coordination which I was once used to.
"Mom," I say, suddenly remembering him. "Is Will here?"
She looks at me and nods. "He is upstairs, resting in your room. I brought him back with me last night after he woke up." She smiles a little. "He is a nice boy, although he was a little awkward. You can go see him."
My palms sweat as I open the door to my old bedroom. And there he is, a book in hand which I recognize as one of the few I had for light reading, looking just the same as I have ever known him. His right hand is bound in a sling.
"Will," I whisper. My voice comes out scratchy. He looks up, and his eyes widen.
"Tris!" He drops his book, stumbling out of bed the same moment I move towards him, and before I know it, my arms are around his neck. His good hand reaches around my waist. I revel in the fact that he is here, he is solid, he is well. He is alive. He is alive. And this change feels like a small victory entirely in itself. At least I did something.
"I'm sorry," I whisper. "I am so sorry I had to shoot you. If you remember —"
"I do," he says, looking completely serious for once. His celery green eyes are bright with emotion. "And I am sorry, Tris. I almost killed you. I — I could see you and I knew you but somehow all I could think was that I had to kill you and I just couldn't stop myself —"
"It's okay," I say. "We are both alive, and that's all that matters." He nods. "But it is my fault — I wish you didn't have to wear your hand in a sling."
"How could you?" He feigns hurt. "I thought you liked my sling! It adds to my irresistible charm!"
I roll my eyes, laughing a little. Will's eyes turn thoughtful.
"How's Christina?" he asks softly.
"Waiting," I say.
"I wanted to go back right after I woke up, but Mrs. Prior said I was in no condition to move on my own, and that you'd come for me."
"She knows me well." I smile.
"My knight in shining armor has finally arrived!" he squeals in a high voice and then chuckles, making me roll my eyes again.
"You can go home with us. Come on downstairs."
"'Us'?" He raises an eyebrow.
"Four's with me."
"Ah yes, the boyfriend," he drawls, a grin on his face, elbowing me in the ribs.
"Shut up." We laugh as we go out the room.
Tobias offers a nod and a slight smile to Will as we sit down at the table. He appears much more at home now. He smiles at me as Mom places our food before us.
"What are you going to do about Jeanine?" I ask my father.
"Nothing has been done yet, but as soon as the leaders assemble at the Hub, Jeanine's position in the government will be suspended." Dad scowls. "The same goes for the current Dauntless leaders."
"About that," Tobias quietly puts in, "Max is dead."
"And Eric is probably not in a condition to move very much right now." I smirk.
"That's good. The bastards!" my father says. "I'm sorry," he adds, blushing. "That was inappropriate. I forgot myself." No one minds, of course.
"Beatrice," my mother speaks suddenly. I look at her with some surprise; she has been silent so far.
"Yes, Mother?"
"I would like to talk with you alone for a while, if it's okay."
I look at Tobias, who looks puzzled. Then I turn to my mother and nod, rising from the chair. She leads me into my parents' bedroom and sits on the bed.
"Sit down, Beatrice." I settle down beside her.
"What did you want to talk about?"
She looks pensive. "I heard that you asked your father to prevent the leaders from releasing the file. You told us the same when you came to warn us." She looks at me gravely. "I want to know why."
"I think you should know why," I tell her quietly. She only offers me a curious stare.
"I..." I look around a little. "Are we being watched?"
Mom blinks. "No. Of course not."
"You know what I mean, Mom."
Her expression says that she does. "How do you know? Do you know about him?"
I simply nod. Mom looks bewildered, then sighs. "Well, he is not watching," she says. "The city is watched from several places, but this is not one. So tell me, Beatrice. How do you know?"
I look down, tugging at my sleeve nervously. When I came here, I had not expected an interrogation.
"It will take too long to explain fully, but my consciousness is from the future. I know several things which I wouldn't have normally."
Mom frowns. "It seemed so. How long ago did all that extra knowledge come in?"
I look at her in the eye. "The day of the Aptitude tests."
"Let me guess," she says slowly. "When I was cutting your hair?"
I nod, a little surprised. "You remember."
She smiles. "You certainly acted strangely then. Like I wasn't supposed to be there." A look of sadness seeps into her face, like she realized the full implication of it. Then it goes away, replaced by a solemn expression.
"So you know about David?"
I nod. "I met him. He killed me." It feels strange to say it like that.
Mother gasps. "No!" she breathes. I nod.
"He did. That's when my consciousness came back to that day some months back."
My mother bows her head. "What else do you know?"
"I read your journal, Mom. In the Bureau."
Her head jerks up in shock. "You read it all?"
I nod. "David talked to me about you too."
She lowers her head again. "I meant to tell it all to you someday," she says softly, her hand snaking around mine. "I couldn't find the chance." She hesitates. "I — I hope you understand —"
"It's okay, Mom." I smile at her a little, and she smiles back uncertainly. "But what I don't understand is why you are still attempting to release the video. It's not the entire truth."
I see some surprise in her expression, which is replaced by comprehension; she must have figured out piece by piece how far the waters had flowed in the life I had once lived. "I know that," she says softly. "It is one of the many steps of the Bureau's plans. Of the experiment that the government is conducting."
"But it's a lie!" I burst out. "The world is not in danger! True, the Fringe is a mess," Mom flinches, "but all they need the Divergent for is to breed genetically pure kids. They just need us in order to check if the experiment succeeded!"
My mother places her hand on my shoulder.
"Beatrice," she says, "What you are saying is absolutely correct." She looks at me, her eyes soft. "With time, I cut my connections with David; it was not only because I deviated from his plan, or just because I loved Andrew. It was because I fell in love with this city. I was fascinated with it ever since I was brought into the Bureau; I used to watch the screens for hours. After I was sent here, it came to mean even more to me. It became my home. I didn't want to see it as an experiment anymore; I didn't want to be a part of the group conducting the experiment. So I did it." She sighs. "It was not my decision that the file be released; it was the Abnegation leaders'. Most of them don't know what that file contains. They just know it is important, and that it must be released. And those that do consider it even more so, since the message is by a Prior, and seems to speak the truth about the city." She purses her lips. "I had my doubts when the decision was made, but I was not in a position to alter that decision."
"The people are not ready," I tell her, remembering the chaos the video caused. "Some of them will want to venture out, others won't. There will be war."
Mom nods. "I will try my best to stop the file from being released. Some leaders, like Marcus, want it to be publicized. He was one of strongest advocates for this decision. But everyone is shaken after the Erudite attack; it should not take much to get them to back down. Your father has been convinced too, since you were right about the attack...he now believes you to be right here too." She smiles. "Although he has no idea why you should be."
"About that," I fidget, "I'd like it if you didn't tell my secret to him. I'm not sure if he'll —"
Mom nods. "I'll make something up, don't worry. Does Tobias know?"
"He does," I say. "I couldn't keep the truth from him."
"That's good. Love is nothing without trust." I blush. "And Beatrice," she smiles at me. "You have been doing so well. You have made good use of your knowledge."
I look at her uncertainly. "You think so?"
"If that weren't so, I believe I wouldn't be sitting here talking to you right now." She smiles knowingly. "Or the people of Abnegation still be alive in their houses." I smile nervously at that.
"But I shot Mr. Black," I whisper.
"It was not your fault, child. I saw you. It was in no way your fault. And his family knows that," she says gently.
"I should go see them."
"You can, if you want." She smiles sadly. "Let us go and join the others. We have been away long enough."
"Do you need me to go with you?" Tobias offers quietly when I tell the others about going to see the Blacks. I shake my head, telling him I can manage.
"Be prepared," he whispers with a meaningful look at my trousers, where the gun is kept. I nod before stepping out of my house.
-o0o-
The train journey to Dauntless is eventless, with me and Tobias sitting close together and Will a little far away. Will needed assistance to board the train as his right hand isn't functioning. I feel bad as I look at him. My left side isn't entirely working either due to my shoulder and arm wounds, but it doesn't trouble me much since I am right handed. As I sit, I think about my meeting with the Blacks. They were grieving, but not one of them blamed me in any way. Susan told me that she has sent a letter to Robert telling him the news; now it is up to him to turn up for the funeral. I still can't accept how kind they were to me, thankful even for stopping the simulation. That is how true Abnegation is. I recall Susan's words before I left: "Keeping grudges does not help anyone. Instead, forgiveness can allow both sides to heal."
It appears that the only person who needs to really forgive me is myself.
-o0o-
Christina's scream as she hurled herself at Will when she saw him nearly deafened me. Now she is sobbing into his chest while Will tries uncomfortably to prevent his sling from getting wet.
"Hey, now," he says softly, "That's my cotton girl."
"Cotton girl?" Christina raises her eyebrows. Will grins lopsidedly.
"Yeah. Tough as cotton balls, remember?"
"Oh, shut up." Christina turns red and smacks him on the chest.
"I'm glad you're back," she mumbles.
Will smiles. "I am glad I'm back too."
"That's some reunion," Tobias murmurs beside me. "Care to get away before my ears fall off?" But he is smiling as well.
"I'd like that," I whisper, and we walk away to give the happy couple their space.
"How did your father find out about Marcus?" Tobias asks as we walk.
"Well," I bite my lip to hide my smile, "I might have punched Marcus and held a gun to his head to get him to admit everything in front of Dad and Caleb."
"No, really?" he laughs, his voice shocked and amused at the same time. "You really did that?"
"Why is it so difficult to believe?" I grin at him.
"I don't know... I guess I shouldn't be surprised." He chuckles, shaking his head. "You are something else, you know."
I smile. "I hope my father didn't give you a hard time."
"No, no, he is great," he says. We walk some distance in silence, not quite having a destination, just following the peace and quiet. "I am rather glad how things came to be, you know," Tobias says eventually, leaning against the wall in an empty hallway. I quirk an eyebrow at him.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean... I know that there were losses this time too, especially with your brother, but looking back at what could have been, I think this is good enough."
I nod at him wordlessly.
"And it may seem selfish," he sighs, "but I am gladdest that you are okay. All those times when I nearly lost you... After that, having you here with me makes me feel lucky."
I smile. "I am glad you are okay too," I say. "I don't know what I'd do if I lost you. It's not over though, none of it is." I feel a sinking feeling in my gut as I say it.
"No, it isn't," Tobias agrees. "Do you think Jeanine will take action immediately?"
"I don't think so," I say, thinking. "She has an army, but she should wait for an opportunity before striking. Especially now that Abnegation is still intact and she is not in the government anymore, she will be hindered."
"I doubt that not being a government leader will stop her," Tobias says grimly. "She will go on with her purpose anyway."
I try not to show how much his observation scares me. "I think you are right."
-o0o-
We end up in Tobias' apartment, in bed, kissing and cuddling and talking about random things, essentially trying to forget the crisis that we may be facing anytime now. I know we don't have much time; by last time's estimation, it would not take Jeanine too long to prepare long range transmitters, wired for multiple simulations. Either we will have to find a way to stop her or we'll have to strengthen the protection around Dauntless. If anyone gets shot by long range transmitters, it will be our undoing.
But for the time, I suppress those fears and lose myself in Tobias, our kisses intense and passionate, hands exploring. For that hour, I am in heaven, or I am truly home, and everything is fine.
A sudden knock on Tobias' door breaks us apart. With a low growl of annoyance, Tobias removes his hands from my waist and opens the door. I quickly try to fix my hair into some semblance of normalcy.
Uriah stands at the door. His expression is grim.
"Someone took the Jump," he says. "I thought you might want to know."
We hurry over to the Pit, where a crowd has assembled. I discover that it was the boy who punched me earlier. He was probably too drunk and fell over the railing when he was leaning too far. Or maybe it was attempted. No one can tell. I feel a pit in my stomach when I hear that. The boy's face flashes in my mind again and again — so young. It's my fault. Again.
"Listen everyone!" Tobias' voice carries through the noise without even being raised. I look at him.
"No one is going to stand too close to the chasm. And no one is going to take the Jump. Not even if everything feels too much and you want to end it," he commands. "Dauntless has already been reduced to half. We cannot afford to lose anyone else."
"And who are you to say that? Think yourself a leader to give orders?" someone from the crowd shouts.
If the comment, practically a repetition of what he was told yesterday, gets under his skin, Tobias doesn't show it.
"I may not be, but this is the need of the hour," he says levelly. "Jeanine will be looking for weaknesses in our faction. We cannot offer her anymore than what we have already."
There is pin drop silence. Everyone is hanging on to Tobias' words.
"Leaders!" someone calls out. "We need new leaders!"
Soon the chant is taken up by everyone around.
"Leaders! Choose! Now!"
"Fine. We will need new leaders," a voice says near me, and I turn to see Bud. "The law says we need more than one, and we need an odd number," he says. If you've got suggestions, you should shout them out now, and we'll vote if we need to. Okay, now go ahead."
"Four!" I hear Uriah shout. Across the Pit, people echo his choice. It is not unusual, since he had a large part in stopping the simulation, and it was he who gave a direction to people's thoughts in the chaos right now. His secret isn't out, apart from that he is Divergent, so he is still the Dauntless prodigy.
"Next?"
"Harrison!" someone says. I never liked him much, but no one protests against the decision.
Bud nods. Marlene cups her hand around her mouth and shouts, "Tris!"
"Tris!" Christina shouts.
"Tris!" Will agrees. Many murmurs and nods greet the call.
"That's it, then. Anyone else has anything to add?" No one says anything. Bud nods in acknowledgement. My heart beats fast. I am not supposed to be a Dauntless leader. I am not Dauntless. I am Divergent. And even though I now know how little significance that word holds, there is no denying that I am different, that even if Dauntless is my home, I will perhaps never truly belong here. But Tori isn't here yet, so I cannot step down to give her the position. My eyes seek out Tobias'. He gives me the slightest of nods. And I make my decision.
I will remain a leader till Tori is here, then I will step down. Yes, that's what I'll do.
And so the impromptu meeting breaks up, and this time, both Tobias and I are leaders.
I am not sure that is wise.
-o0o-
Dinner is a quiet affair after everything that happened today. Most people are huddled in groups, talking. The first decision Tobias took after becoming a leader was posting guards at every entrance to Dauntless, major or minor — shifts were assigned for every member to be on duty sometime. No route to Dauntless is to be left unguarded. I appreciate this measure.
Tobias and I sit at the table together; Christina and Will sat separately to have some time to themselves.
"Well, isn't this the table of misfits?" I turn to see Uriah sitting beside Tobias with a bitter smile.
"What happened?" I ask.
"Oh, nothing," he shrugs, "Shauna heard about my Divergence and she's making sure she doesn't catch it." I follow his gaze to where Shauna is sitting far away from us with her mother. Tobias doesn't say anything, but looking at the sadness on his face, I can tell that Shauna has avoided him since it was revealed to everyone that he is Divergent.
"We could form a group, you know," Uriah says bitterly, nursing a dark glass bottle, "The secret Divergent group. For those who are screwed in the head. Meet every other Friday. Normal people, stay away or you'll catch it."
"Well, we aren't afraid of catching it," a female voice says, and Marlene and Lynn drop down near Uriah.
"How come you're not with your sister?" Uriah asks.
"Screw her. Like I care," Lynn mutters. "I, for one don't care if you are freaky," Lynn says, smirking. " I don't believe for a moment that you'll fry us with your brain powers."
"Careful, Lynn; you can never know." I smirk mockingly.
"Oh, ha ha," Lynn rolls her eyes. "It think all that Divergent talk is a load of crap."
"Oh right? Then why does everyone run away from us like we are monsters?" Uriah scowls.
"Come on, Uri," Marlene says. "Who cares about others? We believe in you."
"You sure?" Uriah quirks an eyebrow.
"Absolutely," Marlene breathes. Their heads are very close together.
"Prove it," Uriah challenges. They seem to have forgotten that they are surrounded by people.
Marlene slips her hand under Uriah's collar and kisses him hard.
There is a clatter of a fork, and I turn from staring at Uriah and Marlene to see Lynn grab her tray and storm away from the table.
"What was that all about?" Uriah says, pulling away. He is very red.
"Dunno," Marlene says. "She's always angry about something." And she pulls Uriah to her again.
"Oh, stop with the PDA," Tobias mutters. I look at him. I know exactly what that was all about, and by his expression, Tobias does too. But we can't do anything about it.
-o0o-
The next two days go in relative peace. Caleb's funeral was held in the quiet Abnegation way, which Tobias and I attended. Thankfully, my parents were careful not to invite Marcus, so Tobias didn't have to face him.
The guard at the entries of Dauntless is always kept up. Slowly, the Dauntless have fallen into their rowdy, careless ways, but the tension still lives to some extent, and most of all, within Tobias and me, since we are the only ones who know the extent to which the danger lies. Tobias and I frequently discuss the possible ways we have of solving the problem. There are two ways to tackle Jeanine — to attack Erudite head on, or to take legal action against Jeanine. After hearing my story, Tobias is reluctant to attack Erudite, and there is no question of doing it now since we are only half a faction. The numbers are by no means enough. And though we have not talked about it yet, I hope he is not thinking of allying with the factionless again.
I have taken to spending the nights in Tobias' apartment, mainly because his presence keeps the nightmares away, and he hasn't complained about the arrangement at all. Will is healing, but his sling is still intact. Christina is always with him. Uriah and Marlene are together, and Lynn more withdrawn than ever. Shauna is still avoiding us.
I snuggle against Tobias, smiling at the warmth of his strong arms wrapped around me. He is asleep, indicated by his deep, measured breathing. I know it's late; my eyes flutter shut under the comfort of Tobias' warm cage. I can't help think how I'd like to stay like this all the time.
I am nearly asleep when a small beep wakes me up. I blink drowsily, slowly realizing that the beeps are coming from my pocket. Then it stops. I fumble carefully in the pocket of my pajamas to pull out the watch Cara has given me. I have kept it on my person most of the time, just in case. Looking at it, I feel a little guilty; I never communicated with Cara after the attack was over, consumed in my own worries. This feels incredibly selfish. Shifting carefully, I open the disk to reveal the screen, wondering what she would want to say so late. I read the message on the holographic screen, and with every word, my eyes widen. By the end of the message, my mouth is dry.
They do say good things never last.