I have The Best people in my life. Thank you Nic and Sri, for all that you do to make sure this is ready for Iris, the bestest fixer of docs ever.

Jealousy is more than a word, now I understand

You can't stay a girl while holding a boy's hand

Hey Lloyd I'm ready to be heartbroken

'cuz I can't see further than my own nose at this moment

Hey Lloyd I'm ready to be heartbroken

'cuz I can't see further than my own nose at this moment

I've got my life of complication here to sort out

I'll take myself to an east coast city and walk about

"Lloyd, I'm Ready To Be Heartbroken" ─ Camera Obscura

May 19, 2007

In a crazy twist of fate, Edward's in London. I'm in Toronto hosting Alice's baby shower, though. He flew home for the long weekend, saying he needed a break from some things and he'd talk to me about it when he landed. I tell him I'll be online at 4:00.

When I've got everything organized for tomorrow's shower and a hugely uncomfortable Alice down for a nap, I grab my laptop and head onto Alice's small patio. It's a beautiful day, and I wish I could join Rose, Emmett, and Jasper on their run by the lake, but I've got to talk to Edward first.

He's already sent me a message to say he's online. Like always, we chit chat about the little things, but the usual flirtatious tone of our messages has cooled since the stair incident.

Hey. Can we go off topic for a minute?

Sure.

So here's something you don't know, because we've so far talked about Christmas a grand total of zero times: Brie and I broke up in the fall.

Whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

So he was single when he maybe tried to kiss me? I'm not sure why that matters, since he knew I wasn't, but it somehow does.

Except I'm sure they're together now. He's mentioned her a few times lately.

But you're back together now, right?

We're seeing each other again. Casually. But she told me last week that she's given her notice on her lease and wrote a letter of resignation.

What does that mean?

I can't tell if I'm supposed to know what's going on.

She's planning on moving into my place. She says she hates her job, and if she's living with me, she can quit!

Oh. Here I've been at the beginning of my plan to leave Jeremy and putting out feelers for jobs in Montreal, though my lack of French skills are killing my chances.

How do you feel about it?

Like this is some straight up crazy bullshit!

So you're not happy.

Obviously! We had a talk about this last week. I told her I wasn't looking for a roommate!

Well, there's your problem. She doesn't want to be your roommate! That's not what she's talking about. You get that, right?

UGH! Of course I GET it. I just thought that was a gentle way of telling her no. But maybe I should let her stay, if it's just going to be until she finds another job. Maybe it's time for me to grow the fuck up.

Trust me. You don't want to get yourself stuck in a live-in relationship with someone you aren't feeling that for. It's fucking impossible to navigate that.

Are you speaking from experience? I thought you and Jeremy were fine with how your relationship's going.

Fuck. This is the first time I've let on that things aren't good. I don't think it's a good idea to dump my relationship drama on him while he's got his own shit to figure out.

I hear the front door close. This isn't a conversation I want to be having right now, anyway. I feel like I'm on the verge of tears, and I don't want to spend the evening bringing everyone down with my high-school level emotional crisis

Sorry. Everyone just came back. I'll talk to you later.

I close my laptop and brush away the tears that have started to fall. I'm realizing I may have missed my chance with Edward again. I figure I have a few moments to get myself together, but the opening of the back door tells me otherwise.

"Hey, Bella." It's Jasper. "I cut the run short. I wanted to get back to Alice. Where is she?" I point up, indicating their bedroom upstairs, because I'm on the verge of sobbing and don't want to break down in front of Jasper.

But today's clearly not my day, because instead of heading back inside, he sits down at the table across from me.

"Edward?" he asks gently. I get the feeling he already knows he's right, so I nod and put my head down.

I cry like I haven't cried in years.

When I finally feel like the tears are slowing down, I lift my head to see Jasper offering me a handkerchief. He's wonderfully old-fashioned sometimes.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

I do, but not with Rose or Alice, who must be so tired of this by now. Maybe I need some dude logic to set me straight.

And maybe I need to say what I've really been thinking out loud. "I think he's the love of my life."

Jasper smiles and nods. I don't think this surprises him.

"But I don't think I'm the love of his life." I wipe an errant tear and continue. "I think we're just always going to be friends, and I'm always going to be in love with him."

"How do you feel about that?"

"That's fine." The tears are falling again, contradicting my words. "He's the love of my life, but that doesn't mean we have to have a romantic relationship. Different loves fill different needs. We'll always be friends. Maybe my big love is just a platonic one."

"Oh, darling. That's so much bullshit that you just broke the ozone layer."

And as shitty as I'm feeling, I laugh through my tears and nod.

"I think it's time you cut Jeremy free, and you need to let Edward know. He might be sitting across from someone having this same exact conversation."

"It's not his fault I've developed feelings for him. I'm not going to end our friendship over it. I'm not going to burden him with this. I'm a big girl, and I can deal with my feelings for him."

But I also realize what's going unsaid: I also have to deal with my lack of feelings for Jeremy.