Chapter Twenty-Four
"Monterey"
The good ship sailed out of the harbor that day
Out of the town Monterey
She stood on the shoreline and silently prayed
Send him back home Monterey
Sara stood at her window and pulled her heavy scarlet robe more tightly around her lithe frame as she watched Grissom and his contingent of knights ride off by the light of the rising sun. She remained motionless, one hand against the cold glass in a silent farewell until the last of the battle hardened warriors faded from view. With a heaving sigh and delicate sniff, the princess wiped the tears from her cheeks and turned to her bed. She crawled beneath the covers and grabbed Gil's letter from the bedside table. She sniffled a final time, dabbed at her eyes with a lacy handkerchief and settled back against the headboard to read.
My dearest Sara,
On the morrow I must leave. My king has ordered me to ride with a contingent of knights one final time to quell a large uprising among peasants in the northern territories. How I wish that this was just a final call to battle and that once victorious I could sheathe my sword forever. However, that is not to be my fate. I fear your father was less than pleased with the news of our marriage and has further ordered that I never return. I am to win the day upon the field for him but the price of my betrayal for wedding his daughter with neither his knowledge nor his consent is my life. I am to forfeit myself once the tide of victory is secure and die a warrior's death.
While I do not wish to leave, I can die at peace. I have attained my life's desire, you. You are all I ever wanted and all I ever needed. It is you and you alone who have made my life complete and filled the aching loneliness in my heart and soul. I bemoan our lack of time together, all of the happy long years where we could have loved one another completely and watched our children grow and prosper, but even having you in my life for such a short time made me far happier than I can ever express.
You need also know that your father will be erasing any trace of our marriage and seeing you betrothed to another once I have gone. I ache at the thought of you building a life with anyone but me but I would not have you spend your life alone. I have lived that life, Lemman, one void of love and family and friends and home, and I do not want that for you. I would never wish that fate upon you. You are young, Leof-mon, with years and years ahead of you. Please honor me and whatever memory of me you choose to cherish by living your life well. Find your happiness, Sara, find your love.
Please take care of Sandre and Berenger for me and see to their education and training. Both are good lads and with your firm and loving guidance will grow to be fine men. Do not allow any grief they might have over my final departure poison them against king and country. Teach them to be strong and to forgive, share with them your goodness and kindness and caring nature.
All that I have is yours to use as you see fit. You will want for nothing for my holdings and wealth are vast. Myria and Conrad will remain loyal to you and provide company and assistance throughout your life. All I ask is that when you pass from this earth, you leave the remainder of the estate to the boys. I will keep them safe from the battle and my mind will rest easier knowing they have will always have you to care for them.
Finally, do not worry about me and do not mourn my death overmuch. I will not suffer and your name will be on my lips with my final breath. Your face will be the last vision I see as I pass from this life to the next. Say a prayer for me now and then if you think of it, but do not dwell upon this. Remember me with happiness and joy, for that is how I will think of you when it is time for me to go.
Dominus illuminatio mea et salus mea: quem timebo? Dominus protector vitæ meæ: a quo trepidabo? Dum appropiant super me nocentes ut edant carnes meas, qui tribulant me inimici mei, ipsi infirmati sunt et ceciderunt. Si consistant adversum me castra, non timebit cor meum; si exsurgat adversum me prælium, in hoc ego sperabo. Unam petii a Domino, hanc requiram,ut inhabitem in domo Domini omnibus diebus vitæ meæ; ut videam voluptatem Domini, et visitem templum ejus. Quoniam abscondit me in tabernaculo suo; in die malorum protexit me in abscondito tabernaculi sui. In petra exaltavit me, et nunc exaltavit caput meum super inimicos meos. Circuivi, et immolavi in tabernaculo ejus hostiam vociferationis; cantabo, et psalmum dicam Domino.[i]
All my love, now and forever,
Grissom
Sara finished reading the letter and dried her eyes with the sleeve of her gown and blew her nose into her lace handkerchief. Drawing her legs to her chest, she clasped her arms about her knees and stared into the now cold fireplace. So many thoughts raced through her mind, so many things she needed to do that she scarcely knew where to start. First and foremost, however, she needed to speak to her father for he was the one responsible for this whole impossible mess. Oh, Sara understood that a portion of the blame was hers for marrying Grissom behind her father's back but she honestly believed he would be more accepting and understanding. The more she thought about the punishment bestowed upon her gentle knight the angrier she got until her fury became a living breathing entity.
Throwing back the covers, Sara leapt from her bed, ran from her room and stormed down the hall to her father's sitting room. Frustrated that he was not there, she continued her quest down the main staircase, her rage growing with every footfall until she spied James seated at the large banquet table in the Great Hall sipping mead and reading parchments.
"How could you?" she demanded, her voice more a choked sob than a shout.
"How could I what?" James asked warily, his eyebrows arched and forehead furrowed in confusion as he took in Sara's untamed hair and tear-stained cheeks.
Pacing before the massive table, Sara gathered her thoughts before launching a scathing diatribe. "You sicken me, Father," she said as she paused by his chair and leaned down, her face inches from his own. "You sadden and disgust me and I loathe you with everything that is within me." She ended her scathing comments by sweeping the pile of correspondence James was reading onto the floor.
James reared back as if he had been physically assaulted. Sara's words were spoken in a soft voice but were laced with such hatred, such quiet venom, that they all but lanced his skin. He scooted his chair back in an effort to put a little space between himself and the snarling, spitting hellcat his daughter had become.
The Princess straightened her spine and stood with hands on hips, her face set in a snarl as she continued to berate her father. "You have broken your oath. You promised 'twould always be my choice, that I could choose my own mate. I made my choice…MY choice years ago and now you have sent him off to die." Her voice dropped as she held her hands out in supplication. "Does my happiness matter so little to you that you could so easily send my heart to its death?"
"What are you talking about?" James asked, scooting his chair away from the table. His mind raced, trying to figure how much Sara knew. Chances were pretty good that Grissom had told her everything although there existed the possibility the stoic knight had merely shared the fact that he had been ordered north to quell an uprising. Gil was not the most talkative person, even on the best of days, but, as James had learned the previous morning, he knew next to nothing about the relationship between his knight and his daughter. He decided that feigning ignorance was perhaps his best tactic; he would find out how much Grissom had revealed and therefore be better able to formulate a defense.
"You know exactly what I am talking about," Sarah spat in a disgusted voice. "Don't play me for a fool." She started pacing again, hands rubbing together and she walked from one end of the banquet table and back again. "You have done what you always do when you don't like or can't accept what has happened; you blame Grissom and take out your anger on him." She stopped her agitated pacing and faced her father head on. "You know I love him, have been in love with him forever. He is my husband, Father, and now you have killed him."
"Bah," James huffed with a dismissive wave of his hand. "I haven't killed anyone. I but sent my knight champion and his finest brigade to crush peasant revolt. 'Tis nothing and he will be home within a matter of days."
Sara pierced her father with a steely gaze. "You lie, father for I know what you have ordered him to do. You sent him away just like you did after Moder's accident only this time you didn't just exile him, you ordered him to die. You have murdered him just as surely as if you had stolen into his bed chamber at night and pierced his heart with a broadsword yourself."
James said nothing, merely folded his hands across his stomach and listed as Sara continued to vent her anger.
"You play with him like a puppet, like he is nothing more than a toy placed here for your amusement. Well, guess what, Father," she exclaimed, the moment of truth upon her. "Our marriage? It was not Grissom's idea. It was mine, all mine," she cried, emphasizing her words by slapping her hand against her breast. "You can ask Father Ralph if you don't believe me. I am responsible for marrying the man I love while you slept blissfully unaware in the chamber next door."
"Really?" James asked with an arched eyebrow. "Gil told me that he and he alone was responsible for this farce."
""Tis not a farce and he only said that to protect me," she sighed. "He did not want you to be angry with me for he knows too well the full brunt of your ire. Had I known you would retaliate in such a cowardly fashion I would never have allowed him to take this burden upon himself."
Pulling a heavy chair from the table, Sara sat and continued to address her father. "I am not stupid, Father. If this peasant revolt were truly nothing as you claim, you would have sent any of the other able knights to lead the brigade. Nikolai and Varrick would have jumped at the chance to demonstrate their renewed loyalty to you and their skill upon the field." She shook her head in disgust. "No, you saw before you the perfect opportunity from which to exact your revenge without soiling your hands. Gris has been too long your loyal servant, your champion, to question your orders or your motives. You lead, he follows, chained to you as you pull his strings and dance him about the hall."
Silence filled the hall as Sara waited for some response from her father. To her dismay, the king said nothing. James sat quietly in his chair, legs stretched before him and crossed at the ankle as he waited for her to continue. Truly, he had nothing to say for everything she had recounted thus far was correct. She did not understand his motives but her reasoning for his actions was right on the mark.
"And now you have added me to your little game." Sara rose from her chair and resumed her pacing, a slender hand coming up to smooth her tangled hair into place. "I know that you plan to pay off some unwitting priest to have my marriage annulled and that I am to be betrothed this afternoon to some silly, sniveling prince whom I have never met and from a country I have likely never heard of." The princess whirled and faced her father, her rage building behind her eyes as her voice again rose in volume. "When were you going to tell me this?" she cried throwing her hands into the air. "When were you going to muster what little courage you do possess to announce that I no longer have any say in the matter, that you have chosen to disregard my thoughts and feelings?"
James rested his head in his left hand while the fingers of the right drummed a random rhythmic pattern against the arm of his chair.
"What about Berenger and Sandre?" she continued. "They have both just found a father in Grissom and you are taking him from them as well. Do you know that one of Gil's dying wishes is that I continue the raise the lads? I will do it, Father," she stated, her voice low and choked once more with tears, "because I love Grissom and I love the boys. I will be both mother and father and pray I do right by both of them."
Scurbbing her hand at a stubborn tear that slipped down her cheek, Sara faced her father and allowed her misery free reign. "In all his years of service to you, Gris asked for only one thing. And you, being the selfish, needy bastard that you are, refused to grant him his one desire. You will not let him seek a life of his own away from the palace and the killing and the power struggles of court. You will not let him follow his heart and find his peace. And, in so doing, you doubly broke your oath to me. Well, Father," she finished, rubbing her hands together as if wiping them with a towel, "that is it, I am finished."
James sat fully erect in his chair, his voice low and dangerous as he spoke. "What are you saying Sara? You need to think very carefully about what you are doing."
"I have done all of the thinking I need to do for your deeds have made the decision for me," she responded with a careless shrug. "It is done, Sire. I renounce you, I renounce your crown and I renounce all of these filthy, petty games. Maybe someone will take pity upon you and give you a shiny new plaything for your next birthday because I am finished being nothing more that a toy for your to control to your heart's content. Find another game, Sire, another dance partner. I am done."
Sara gazed out the window, taking in the sunlight that shone brightly despite her somber mood. Her voice registered just above a whisper as she directed her eyes towards her father. "I am leaving now, forever. For the rest of my days I shall dress in black and scatter ashes in my hair so all will know that I am in mourning. Do not come after me, do not try to find me. I made my choice long ago and gave my heart to Grissom when I was but a girl. Not only that, I gave body and soul, every part of me, to him. You cannot easily annul our marriage, Sire, because it was fully consummated many times over."
James blanched at her blunt admission. Married she may be but he certainly wanted to know nothing of her intimate life with Grissom, or any man for that matter. There were just some things a father did not need to know about his daughter. The king suppressed a shiver of disgust and painted a placid look on his face as Sara continued to speak.
"I will not play your game and deny all that has happened, Father, I cannot," she stated with quiet emphasis. "I'll not lie to the priest to lighten your conscience."
With that statement Sara appeared to run out of steam and collapsed back into her chair. The confrontation with her father had left her physically and emotionally drained and she could do little to fight the tears sliding down her cheeks.
Old Riley in the lighthouse had started to sing
"Stand at the wheel while you may"
The beads of her rosary went round on her rings
Send him back home Monterey
James regarded his crying daughter thoughtfully for several moments before speaking. He knew she had always loved Grissom but had been unaware of the depth of that love. Or maybe he had just not wanted to see it or acknowledge it as fact. Granted, Heather had told him several months ago that his knight and his daughter harbored deep feelings for one another but he had pushed her words aside, choosing instead to believe Sara's infatuation was nothing more than a passing fancy. Grissom, however, well, still waters ran deep and Gil's waters were the stillest he knew.
"Have you finished?" he asked gently while handing Sara his handkerchief.
"I am so finished, Father," she snapped, snatching the handkerchief from him and blowing her nose. She hurled the soiled lined back in his face and leapt to her feet. "I am finished with this life and I am finished with you." Sara ended her declaration on a shout and whirled to flee the room.
"Halt!"
The King's enraged bellow echoed about the hall. James rose and stood before his only child, his face mottled with anger.
"I listened politely and attentively to you while you expelled your venom, Daughter, and now you shall do me the courtesy of hearing my words," James gritted through clenched teeth. "I know not what Gil told you but I suspect it was the truth as he knew it to be. Gil is not capable of telling a falsehood even to save his own neck."
It was his turn to pace as he searched for the words to explain his deeds to his daughter. "Yes, I did send him away and told him never to return but as a bleeding corpse strapped across Odysseus' back. I did tell him that I will annul your marriage and see you betrothed to someone of my choosing this very afternoon. All of that is true."
Sara made to interrupt but James held up a hand in a gesture for silence. "No, you will hear everything I have to say. You owe me that much."
"I owe you nothing," she spat, still seething with fury.
"Yes you do. There is much you do not know and much you cannot understand."
The king drew a calming breath and lowered his voice. "Look around, Daughter. Do you see a priest? Do you see a prince and entourage awaiting a betrothal ceremony," he asked while gesturing about the hall. "Where are the guests? The visiting dignitaries? Where are the chests of gold and the dowry?"
Sara looked around, noticing for the first time that the Great Hall was strangely empty and that her father was dressed simply in only a tunic and hosen. He wore neither robe nor crown. He certainly was not expecting to receive visitors in any official capacity that day.
"Whether either of you realize it, Gil is at a crossroads, torn between his heart and his duty. He needs to decide which path to follow."
Sara glanced at him in surprise, confusion etched upon her brow. "Father Ralph said much the same thing but in a different context."
At her father's gesture to continue, Sara recounted her conversation with the good Abbot while Grissom had lay trapped in the harsh grip of fever and infection. Father Ralph had also speculated that Gil stood before a great crossroads in his life, unsure of which path to take. He felt the gentle knight had finally found his way to the greatest happiness he had ever known in his harsh life but feared that the route to this happiness would ultimately lead to the greatest suffering Gris had ever known.
James nodded thoughtfully, accepting the words and judgment of the Abbot. "Father Ralph is a wise man. He has always known Gil better than most. And he is correct, for Grissom does stand on the brink and must decide which of his divergent paths to choose."
Walking back to his chair, James sat and took both of Sara's hands into his own. "Should Gil grow careless upon the plain and allow another to best him in battle, he will have taken the easier path and chosen the life he is familiar with, one which has always given him satisfaction and one in which he is openly admired and respected." He shook his head to keep Sara from speaking. "There is no dishonor to die upon the battlefield. He will be afforded a hero's funeral and all of England, especially me, will mourn his passing. He will have carried out my final command to the letter."
"If he battles like a venerable demon spawned from the depths of hell and openly stands in defiance of my orders, then he will have chosen to follow his heart in hopes of pursuing an unknown life with you. You cannot make that choice for him. Yes, I believe he loves you and wants to lay down his sword to pursue a life of peace with you, but he has to come to that realization on his own."
"Know you this daughter," he continued, his voice sharp as he compelled his daughter to listen. "I will honor whatever decision he makes, even if he stands in defiance of me. He will have truly risked all, even execution as a traitor, to win that which he truly desires. Should Grissom survive the day, he is free. I will allow him the peace he seeks for I will be certain that he has willingly chosen to follow his heart. A father could not ask for a nobler man as son-in-law. He will be welcomed as a member of my family and treated as such."
Sara's shoulders slumped in defeat, her father's words had driven the wind from her sails and blew her anger away as well. Maybe her father was not the villain she thought him to be.
"You are putting both of us through this hell just so he can prove to you that he loves me?"
"No," James replied with a vigorous shake of his head. "I am doing this to force Gil to decide which he loves more; his service to me or a life with you. 'Tis not an easy thing I have done. Despite what you think, I do not wish him dead. I am hoping that he defies me, wins the day and lays public and final claim to you. It is a decision only he can make and if you love him as you say you do, you must allow him to make it."
"He needs to fight for you now that he finally has something to lose."
Before the wind
And the sun does him in
Ah, send him back home Monterey
And she prayed for the wind
and the sailor that day
Monterey
"Come, daughter," James cajoled gently as he pulled Sara to her feet. "You need to return to your chambers and get dressed. The carriage has been prepared and Heather is waiting." Sara nodded and placed her hand on her father's arm, allowing him to lead her from the hall.
"If it makes you feel any better," he began, shooting her a sardonic look from the corner of his eye, "Heather made me sleep on that damnable tiny sofa in the sitting room last night." He stretched his torso, rocking his neck from side to side as he rubbed his lower back with his free hand. "Trying to sleep on that rotten piece of furniture is like trying to sleep on a pile of rocks. Heather may be sympathetic and understands my reasoning but she most heartily disapproves of my methods and was not shy in making known her displeasure." He gave a gentle pat to the slender hand lying securely in the crook of his elbow. "For what it is worth, Heather is convinced that Grissom will defy me for she truly believes he loves you above all else." James lifted his eyes towards the heavens. "I pray she is right."
"Where are we going?" Sara asked as they continued their trek towards the stairs.
James eyes twinkled with mischief. "To get dressed," came his reply.
"No Father," Sara scoffed, rolling her eyes. "Where are we going in the carriage?"
"We shall follow the road North to see which path Gil has chosen."
"Father. I want you to promise me something."
"If I can, I will."
Sara Lay her head against her father's shoulder as they approached the staircase. "When Grissom chooses me, and we both know deep in our hearts he will, you must show how much you honor Heather and marry her." James started to protest but Sara silenced him with a dainty wave of her slender hand. "Turnabout is fair play after all. I am going to force you to make a choice just like you are forcing Grissom to choose. You know as well as I that Heather does not deserve to be called slut or seen as a common whore. She deserves far better and you know it."
The king sighed heavily. "Let the wedding plans begin," he mumbled with a shudder.
Before the wind
And the sun does him in
Ah, send him back home Monterey
And she prayed for the wind
and the sailor that day
Monterey[ii]
[i] Psalms 27:1-6 (D-R) (1) The Lord is my light and my deliverance; whom have I to fear? The Lord watches over my life; whom shall I hold in dread? (2) Vainly the malicious close about me, as if they would tear me in pieces, vainly my enemies threaten me; all at once they stumble and fall. (3) Though a whole host were arrayed against me, my heart would be undaunted; though an armed onset should threaten me, still I would not lose my confidence. (4) One request I have ever made of the Lord, let me claim it still, to dwell in the Lord's house my whole life long, resting content in the Lord's goodness, gazing at his temple. (5) In his royal tent he hides me, in the inmost recess of his royal tent, safe from peril. (6) On a rock fastness he lifts me high up; my head rises high above the enemies that encompass me. I will make an offering of triumphant music in this tabernacle of his, singing and praising the Lord.
[ii] John Stewart, "Monterey," Dream Babies Go Hollywood, by John Stewart, RSO, 1980.