A/N: Gonna keep this short because this chapter is massively long. I'm building myself a virtual barricade as I type this because something tells me that some (if not all) of you were going to want to throw virtual tomatoes at me once this ends. But then again, sometimes I expect everyone to react one way and they can and surprise me - that happened last chapter, actually. This one picks up right where the last one left on, in the flashback right after Kelsi's dream. Pretty intense chapter with a pretty mean cliffhanger. Thanks to my good friend Jen for the song suggestion! Virtual cookies to everyone who reviews (hoping to hit double digits with this chapter ;)). That said, I appreciate all my readers so if you're not comfortable reviewing, no worries. Hope you enjoy this massive monster of a chapter!
"Ryan, come back...Ryan, no," Kelsi whimpered in her sleep as she tossed and turned violently in her bed. "No...Ryan, no!" she screamed as her eyes suddenly flew open, jackknifing into a sitting position. "Ryan..." she gasped, a hand rushing to her throat in horror. She looked around the room wildly, half expecting her attacker to come leaping out of the shadows at any second. Breathing heavy, she looked down and was relieved to find her T-shirt still intact and not cut open like it'd been in her dream. Her heart was pounding in her chest as she lifted a shaking hand to push away the hair clinging to her face, realizing that she was covered in sweat. Images Ryan's lifeless body flooded her mind and she began to tremble uncontrollably, the movement getting more pronounced with each second that passed.
"Ryan," she choked out his name. "Oh God...Ryan." Forget about not wanting to get too dependent on him. Forget about all the stupid reasons she had for pushing him away. All of a sudden it was vitally important that she see him to make sure he was okay, even though part of her knew it had just been a dream. A horrible, heartbreaking dream that had seemed entirely too real. So real that she could almost feel his blood on her hands. "Ryan!" The scream ripped out of her as if it had a mind of its own and she immediately tried to bolt out of her bed to run to him, only to discover that she was tangled up in her sheets, thanks to her dream. "Ugh!" she grunted furiously. "Let me go!" she cried, frantically jerking herself free before racing to the door and yanking it open.
She raced down the hallway, another scream escaping at the sight of a dark figure rushing towards her. "No! Someone help!" she cried out instinctively, terrified that her attacker had shown up in her apartment after all. "Ryan!"
"Kelsi!" She yelped at the sound of her name, stumbling backwards toward her room in terror and flinging her arms over her head in a weak attempt to protect herself. She squeezed her eyes shut, waiting for a blow she was positive was coming. "Kelsi, it's me! It's Ryan!" She jumped at the feel of hands on her upper arms. "It's me! Kelsi, baby, it's me." She willed herself to open her eyes, finally recognizing his voice.
"Ryan?" she whispered tentatively, resisting as he tugged her out of the hallway and into the living room, where the light was better. "Ryan." His name came out on a whimper that time as she flung herself into his arms, holding him as tightly as she could. "Are you okay!?" she asked, pulling back just enough to study him. "Are you hurt?"
"Kelsi, I'm fine...hey..." he said, working to keep his ever rising panic in check as he brought his hands to her face, gently tilting it towards him. "Kelsi, look at me," he pleaded; relieved when she did, though he felt his heart begin to pound harder at the look of sheer terror that was in her eyes. Terror and an overwhelming panic...panic that made his own seem small in comparison. "I'm fine," he said slowly, deliberately working to stay calm as he looked deep into her eyes. "I'm fine. Look at me. I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?" He struggled to keep his voice gentle as he tried to make sense of her behavior.
"There was so much blood...I w-watched that knife go into your stomach and there was so much blood," she said softly, her lip quivering as she looked over him, pressing her hand to his stomach to check for a wound that she knew wasn't there.
"Kelsi." Ryan frowned as he watched her, sensing that a part of her was still locked in her dream. "Baby, I'm fine, I promise. See? I'm fine. It was just a dream. It's okay now, baby."
"Ryan...oh God, Ryan..." she sniffled, ignoring the tears that were pouring down her cheeks. "It was so awful," she sobbed, bringing her arms back around him as she buried her face in the crook of his neck. "So real...too real," she whispered.
"It's okay," he murmured, tears filling his eyes as he wrapped his arms around her, lifting a hand to cradle her head. "It was just a dream, baby, it's okay. You're okay." He rubbed her back with his other hand as he gently rocked her. "I'm okay..." She tightened her grip on him, her hands clutching his shirt. "I'm okay," he repeated, resting his cheek against the top of her head while she cried. "It was just a dream, honey."
"Don't let go," she begged him. "P-please don't let go of me."
"I won't," he promised quickly. "Ssh, it's okay, baby. I'm here...I'm right here. I won't let go. You're safe now."
"It was horrible...," she whispered. "My dream...I-I was in my bed and he was holding m-me down and he w-was trying to rape me and I-I screamed and you came running in...and he stabbed you..." She paused as a series of sobs worked their way through her. "T-there was so much...so much b-blood and you d-died. I b-begged you to c-come back, but you d-didn't...You were g-gone..."
"Oh, Kelsi." His words were drenched in sorrow. "I'm sorry...I'm so sorry. It was just a dream...a horrible dream, yes, but just a dream...I'm fine. I'm fine and I'm here and I'm not going to leave you." His words were meant to reassure her, but they had the done the exact opposite.
"Oh my goodness," she said softly, her eyes wide as she jerked herself away from him. "You have to leave."
"What?" He was stunned. "What are you talking about?"
"You have to leave," she repeated, taking a step away from him. "It's not safe for you here...you have to leave."
"Not safe, what are you..." he trailed off as she shook her head frantically.
"The dream was a sign!" she exclaimed. "He's going to come after me...he's going to...going to break out of jail and he's gonna find me..." The words began coming out in a rush, sounding more hysterical with every second. "He'll climb up the fire escape!" She turned towards the window, pointing a shaking hand at it. "He'll climb up and he'll find me and he'll...he'll r-rape me and then he'll try to kill me..."
"Kelsi," Ryan said her name slowly. "Calm down...please calm down. You're going to hyperventilate...you need to calm down. Please, baby," he urged her. "I'm not leaving you...he's not going to come after you-"
"Yes, he will!" she argued, cutting him off. "He's going to w-want to finish what he started! He'll come here and he'll come after me...and you if you stay...which is why you have to leave. B-because if you don't, you'll try to save me and he'll stab you with the knife he had in the dream and I'll try to h-help you, but I won't be able to and you'll die and I can't..." She broke off, swatting him away when he reached for her. "I can't...lose you..." she gasped.
"Kelsi...baby, you have to calm down...please...you're getting way too worked up..." he tried again. Her words were of great concern to him and he fully intended on getting to the bottom of her fears, but for the moment the only think Ryan could think about was getting her to stop panicking.
"T-this is why I kicked you out in the first place! It's not safe for you here...he's going to come after me...I don't know when or how, but he will...and you can't be here when he does. You just can't! I don't want him to hurt you anymore...you have to leave, please." She gulped, finding it difficult to catch a breath as she went on. "He's not going to be satisfied until he gets me...I know he won't...I don't want you to be here when he...when he t-tries...I w-would rather d-die than have you be killed....I...I can't..." She clutched at her throat, her eyes wide with fresh panic. "I can't...I can't breathe..." she managed. "Ryan! I....can't....breathe..."
"Baby, you have to calm down," he said, closing the small gap she'd put between them instantly.
"H-help," she pleaded, grabbing his wrist. "Help m-me, Ryan. P-please...I can't..."
"You have to blow out," he told her, putting his hands on either side of her face.
"Ryan..."
"Baby, look at me," he said, forcing himself to stay calm. "You're taking in too much air and you have to blow some of it back out. You're going to be okay, I promise. Just listen to me, okay? I want you to purse your lips, like this..." He mimicked for her before he continued. "And breathe out as hard as you can, like you're trying to blow out a candle. Okay? You're going to fine, Kelsi, you can do it. Come on...breathe out for me." She barely managed a nod, forming a small 'o' shape with her mouth as she struggled to breathe out. "Try again," he urged, putting one of his hands in front of her mouth. "Come on, honey." She tried again, this time getting a whisper of air to escape. "Good...do it again...harder this time...come on, baby." She tried once more, this time managing to blow out a decent puff of air. "Good! Just like that, Kelsi, come on...keep doing it." This continued for another couple of minutes until Kelsi was finally able to breathe properly again.
"Thank you," she whispered.
"You did great," he said softly, pressing a kiss to her forehead before she could pull herself away from him. "Come on...sit down for a second," he added, guiding her to the couch where he'd been trying to sleep...at least until he'd heard her screaming. Then he hadn't been able to jump off it fast enough in his hurry to get to her. "I'll get you some water."
"Ryan!" She grabbed for his hand instinctively, terrified of being left along. "Don't go!"
"I'll be right back," he promised. "I'm going to get you some nice cold water and then I'm coming right back. Okay?"
"O-okay," she murmured, reluctantly letting his hand go and chewing on her lip as he hurried into the kitchen, making it back to her in record time. "That was fast," she said quietly, surprised to find him back all ready.
"I told you," he reminded her, taking a seat beside her. "Here, take a sip."
"Ryan..." She lifted her still trembling hand and was surprised when he waved a straw at her.
"One step ahead of you," he said, sticking the straw into the glass of ice water. "I'll hold it for you. Take a sip...or more if you want." He lifted an eyebrow when she shot him a look. "Come on...it'll help your throat."
"Okay," she said, so softly that he barely heard her. He held the glass out to her and waited as she took first one sip then another....and another...and another. She shot him a sheepish look as she pulled back. "Okay...you were right," she acknowledged, eyeing the glass before leaning back in to take another couple of sips. "Thank you."
"Of course." He set the glass down on the table, taking a deep breath before turning to her. "We have to talk," he told her.
"I don't..." she trailed off.
"Then I'll talk while you listen," he cut in, taking care to keep his voice gentle. "First...about your dream. Baby...it was just a dream. I know it was horrible and real and I know that it scared you." To say the least, he thought to himself, remembering how utterly terrified she'd been when she'd thrown herself into his arms. "But...it was just a dream...it's not a sign of any kind...it was just a dream. That's all. Nothing more, nothing less."
"But Ryan," she protested, stopping as he shook his head.
"Now. As far as that..." Ryan's face twisted as a wave of anger shot through him, making him wish that he could get his hands on the man who had dared to put his hands all over Kelsi. Sweet, innocent Kelsi...Ryan's girlfriend, the woman he loved...the woman who was currently watching him anxiously with those big beautiful eyes of hers that he loved so much...eyes that were still full of fear and panic. Ryan's jaw clenched, wishing once more than he'd done more damage to that man while he'd had the chance.
"As far as that monster is concerned," he began finally. "He is locked up in a tiny...a tiny and hopefully cold...jail cell miles away from here and that is exactly where he's going to stay. He's in a lot of trouble, baby. I...I talked to one of the officers on the case yesterday...they've been after this guy for a while, Kelsi. You're not the first woman he's attacked," Ryan huffed. "They've all ready found a couple of other women who are willing to testify whenever the case goes to trial...this guy is toast." Ryan shook his head. "His attacks on women are only some of the things he's being charged with."
"What else?" Kelsi asked, curious.
"He robbed a convenience store out in Albany," Ryan told her. "And another one somewhere in New Jersey...they apparently have some footage of him robbing the store in Albany, but he's always managed to get away." He gave her a small smile. "Until a week ago, that is. Now he's in jail awaiting trial and trust me on this...the cops want him to stay locked up almost as much as we do. You don't have to worry about him anymore."
"He could escape," she said quietly.
"Doubtful," he argued.
"People do escape from jail sometimes, Ryan," she pointed out.
"The vast majority don't," he countered.
"Well, what if he does?" she asked.
"Kelsi, the odds of that happening are minimal at best. I promise," he answered.
"Minimal...not impossible." She shook her head. "So...what if he escapes?"
"In the microscopically small chance that he somehow found a way to escape...it wouldn't matter. He has no way of tracking you down," he said calmly. "He doesn't know where you live and you have an unlisted number. Besides...if he has any kind of a brain at all...and he must, considering how he's eluded the police in the past...if he did escape, I sincerely doubt that he'd stay in the city."
"But what if...and okay, maybe it's a big what if...what if he got out and found me?" she wanted to know.
"That is a gigantic what if, Kelsi. It's not going to happen...but if he did," he went on, noting the look on her face. "Baby...you live in a very safe building that has its own doorman. No way would he get in."
"What about the fire escape?" she asked. Ryan frowned as he looked towards the window. "You don't have an answer for that, do you?"
"Kelsi...listen to me..." he said quietly, reaching for her hand and tightening his grip when she tried to pull it away. "This is silly...I know you're scared and I don't blame you. You went through something that no one should ever have to go through and it's been hard on you. More than hard actually," he decided, studying her sadly. "I know you're scared that he'll hurt you again, but he won't. He's not getting out of that jail, baby. I know he's not, but...and I'm only saying this to humor you because, again, it's not happening...but if he did and if he somehow miraculously figured out how to find you, it still wouldn't matter. There's no way in hell I'll ever let him lay a finger on you again."
"Ryan..." she whispered his name, pleading with him. "I don't want you to have to put yourself between me and him...it's bad enough that you did it the first time. He all ready hurt you once...I don't want him to do it again."
"Then you can understand exactly how I feel," he said gently, lifting his other hand to push some of her hair away from her face. "That monster hurt you once...he's hurting you still, even though he's not here..." Ryan frowned. "He's never touching you again...I'd kill him before I let that happen."
"Not if he killed you first," she murmured. "It wouldn't matter what he did to me if that happened...if you're gone than...than there's no reason for me to be around."
"Kelsi Nielson," he whispered fiercely. "Don't you ever say that."
"But it's true! I don't want to live in a world that you're not in. I love you too much...I...I need you too much," she said softly. "I don't want to lose you."
"And I refuse to lose you," he replied. "Baby, I will do whatever I have to do to keep you safe. If it means putting myself in danger than that's what I'm going to do. I am not about to lose you."
"Oh Ryan," she whispered. "I love you...I love you - that's why you have to leave! You have to be somewhere safe."
"Dammit Kelsi, I'm not leaving you!" he snapped before he could control himself.
"But you have to! I'm not going to lose you!" she cried.
"You won't!" He let out a groan of frustration, annoyed that they kept going in circles. "He's not going to come after you again, Kelsi, so you don't have anything to worry about."
"You really believe that?" she asked, her eyes narrowing when he nodded. "Then why have you insisted on staying here? If you really think that he won't come after me, why are you so scared to leave me alone?"
"You think I'm staying here to protect you from him?" Ryan asked, incredulous. "I'm staying here to protect you from yourself! I'm staying here because you need me...and don't tell me you don't because you all ready tried to kick me out once and you couldn't handle it for more than one night. Not that I actually left..."
"What?" Kelsi blinked at him. "What do you mean? I kicked you out..."
"Out of your apartment," he nodded. "Not out of your building."
"You...you stayed?" she asked, amazed.
"Of course I stayed," he answered. "I set up camp right outside your door and had George bring me a change of clothes the next day."
"I...you...I can't believe you stayed," she whispered.
"I can't believe you think I'd actually leave you," he murmured. "Like I could leave you when you need me...and you do need me, baby. You keep trying to push me away and it's killing me...it's killing me because I don't understand why you're doing it. Why you don't think you need me when it's so obvious you do."
"You think that I don't think I need you?" She gaped at him. "Are you serious? I know I need you! Why do you think I asked you to come back?"
"Because you felt safer having me around," he replied. "But you have to understand that you need me as more than your guard dog, or whatever I've been for you...you need me. You need to let me take care of you. I know you think you can get over this by yourself, but you can't."
"You think it's easy to stay away from you?" Her voice was barely above a whisper. "You think it's easy for me to resist the always overwhelming urge to throw myself in your arms and let you hold me the way I know you want you?" She sniffled as her eyes filled with fresh tears. "I am well aware of how much I need you...the problem's not that I don't think I need you...the problem is that I need you too much."
"What are you talking about?" he asked, confused.
"Ryan...there is nothing I've wanted more than to let you help me, but...but I can't let you because if I do...if I start to lean on you...if I start to hold onto you, I'm never going to let you go." Her voice was teary as she continued. "I'll wrap my arms around you and hold you so tightly that I'll slowly begin to suffocate you. And then one of two things would happen...either you'd let me keep holding onto you, even if it'd mean that you'd have your life sucked out of you a little more every day...or...or you'd get sick and tired of having a girlfriend who was so dependent on you that...that you'd leave...you'd leave and never come back and I'd be all alone and I...I don't want to lose you...I know that sounds insane considering I've been pushing you away, but...but I thought that if I ignored the problem long enough that it'd go away. That if I could forget about the fear and focus on other things that I could be okay, but..."
She looked at him, her voice laced with sorrow as she continued. "But I don't even know what okay means anymore, Ryan! It's like...it's like I lost a part of myself...like something is broken inside me, but I don't know what it is...Something I'm not sure I could fix even if I did." She blinked back fresh tears. "I don't know what's happening to me, Ryan. I look in the mirror and I don't know who I'm looking at. It scares me...it just...it scares me to death! I know it's getting worse, but I don't know how to stop it."
"Kelsi," he murmured, pressing his hand to her cheek.
"You have no idea how good that feels," she told him before he could say anything else. She indulged herself by letting her eyes close as she leaned into his hand. "I've missed your touch so much," she added, putting her hand above his to hold it in place. "Missed it and...and been trying to avoid it at the same time."
"Why?" he asked, desperate to find out why she'd been acting the way she had.
"Because I feel so dirty," she admitted. "I...I keep taking showers...I've been taking multiple ones every day, hoping that at some point I'll finally feel clean, but...but I never do..." Her eyes opened and met his worried and confused ones. "I still...I remember everything so clearly...I remember crashing into that guy and walking away from him...I remember how it felt when he grabbed me and shoved me against that wall...I remember the way his lips felt on mine...how they felt on my neck..." A violent shudder rippled through her as she continued, lowering her gaze to his shirt. "I remember how it felt when he tackled me and we fell into the cold snow...I remember the way the knife felt when he cut me..." Her lip trembled. "I keep trying not to think about it, but I can't help it. It's like...like no matter what I do, he's there waiting for me...waiting for me to close my eyes so he can attack...It's like he's trapped in my head and I don't know how to get him out and I feel so...so guilty and ashamed and horrible and I just..."
"And then you're here," she said, abruptly changing gears. "You're here and you're trying to take care of me and I've been treating you like dirt...I keep trying to push you away and you won't let me. You...you've been so sweet and wonderful and caring to me and it just makes everything worse because I look at you...I look at you and I feel like I don't deserve you anymore...if I ever even did."
"That's ridiculous," he muttered. "Why wouldn't you deserve me?"
"Because I feel like I betrayed you," she whispered, surprising him. "Oh, Ryan...I feel like I betrayed you so many times that day. First by not waiting for you to come get me...shoot, I shouldn't have even gone to practice that day...I should've just gone to your apartment...but I didn't...I didn't because I was so stupid..." She shook her head as he opened his mouth. "Please...I'll let you say whatever you want to when I finish but please...if I don't tell you this now I don't know if I'll ever be able to."
She waited while he nodded, focusing intently on her as she continued. "I should've watched where I was going when I was walking," she let out a humorless chuckle. "I could've avoided the problem completely, but no, I had to be all distracted, not paying any attention. I should've...I should've fought harder when he attacked me...I never should've let him kiss me...I mean, yeah, I didn't want him to and I tried to stop him, but I should've done more...Maybe I shouldn't have run...maybe it would've been to stay where I was, I don't know..."
"He would've raped you," Ryan cut in softly. "If you hadn't of run. He would've raped you and then he probably would've killed you. He would've done it right there between those buildings. You were right to escape."
"Yeah, some escape," she shook her head, annoyed with herself. "I only got tackled what, like five seconds later? All running did was make him mad."
"Running away is what saved you," he argued. "Yes, he tackled you and yes, he got angry, but...but at least you'd gotten yourself out in the open where people were more likely to see you. I think those five seconds saved your life."
"You saved my life," she countered. "All I did was make myself an easy target."
"Kelsi...stop. You keep finding new ways to blame yourself for what happened, but it's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. So you went to practice...you'd only done that about two hundred times before. Probably more than that. You should've been able to cross the campus safely...you'd only done that every day you've been at Julliard," he pointed out.
"Okay...you're right...but I should've been paying attention to where I was walking," she pointed out.
"Okay, maybe," he conceded. "But I don't think that would've mattered. See, Kelsi, suppose I had met you that day...like I should have," he began.
"Oh, you are not allowed to blame yourself, Evans," she interrupted. "What happened to me was not your fault. Period."
"Fine. But it wasn't your fault either...just listen. Suppose I had met you that day. If I had, you wouldn't of gotten hurt...but someone else would've," he said gently. "See, baby, I think that that monster was going to go after any girl unlucky enough to cross his path. The guy's a predator...it wasn't a personal attack. I would bet anything that he would've gone after you whether you crashed into him or not. You were just in the wrong place at the absolute worst time."
"He got mad when I turned him down for coffee...that probably didn't help," she said quietly.
"So, what if you'd accepted?" He shook his head. "He still would've attacked you, it'd just be at a different place. As far as you fighting against him...I can't stand to hear you say you should've fought harder because as far as I'm concerned, you did great."
"How can you say that?" she demanded. "He still hurt me!"
"Well, he was bigger and stronger than you," he pointed out. "And yes, he hurt you, and I am so, so, so sorry that he did. If I could go back and time and keep him from hurting you, I would do it in a second. I would give anything to live that day over again so I could keep you safe," he softly told her. "But, honey, you defended yourself as well as you could. You weren't going to make it easy for him and that's what saved your life. And," he went on, remembering something else she'd said, "you didn't let him kiss you. He didn't give you a choice."
"It was still a betrayal," she whispered.
"No, it wasn't," he argued. "A betrayal would've been if you were a willing participant," he said, sighing as he continued. "Baby, you can not seriously believe that I would blame you for something that wasn't your fault."
"Doesn't it bother you?" she wanted to know. "To know that someone else kissed me? Not just my lips, but my neck, too. Doesn't it make you angry?"
"Are you kidding?" He let out a harsh laugh completely devoid of any humor. "I heard you scream...when you ran away from him and screamed, I heard you. I don't think I've ever been that scared in my entire life." His voice had gone softer as he spoke, but there was no hiding the anger and pain in it...or the fear that lay behind it.
"I don't think I've ever run so fast...I got there in time to watch him flip you over onto your back. I watched him slap you..." Ryan's brow furrowed as he gently caressed her cheek, realizing that he'd pressed his hand to the cheek in question. "I heard you cry out in pain and I swear..." He shook his head as he released the hand he'd been holding and brought it to his face to pinch the bridge of his nose. "I could've ripped him to pieces right then and there and I would've done it gladly. Was about to, in fact...I was getting ready to charge him and make him pay for hurting you but then...then he pulled out that knife."
"And I completely froze...I was a few feet away...close enough to see what was going on, but not close enough to hear what he was saying to you. I looked at you, frozen in terror and I looked at that knife...at the glimmering, sharp knife that that...that monster was holding over you and I didn't know what to do." Ryan inhaled sharply, taking a moment to get a hold of his temper so he wouldn't scare her. "I thought about yelling...thinking that maybe I could distract him enough to rush him and get him safely away from you...but I was scared...Scared that I'd end up startling him into stabbing you by accident...scared that he'd get angry and stab you on purpose..." He let out a sad sigh. "Baby, I am so sorry...I completely froze for a few seconds and I don't know...I don't know what would've happened if I hadn't...maybe he never would've cut you."
"Oh Ryan...you don't have to apologize," she said quickly. "You were scared and you didn't know what to do. It's okay..."
"No, it's not," he snapped. "It is nowhere close to being okay! Those few seconds might've made a huge difference."
"Maybe," she nodded, desperate to reassure him. "But I think it would've been for the worse...he was so angry, Ryan, so furious that I'd run from him...I think...I think he would've stabbed me outright if you'd called out...I really do." She lightly rubbed the hand that she was still holding to her cheek. "You saved me...that's all that matters."
"I...I thought...I decided that maybe I could sneak up on him. Maybe if I could get close enough to him without letting him know I was there...maybe it'd give me an advantage. So...so I started inching my way closer, trying so hard not to make a sound...I watched him drag your shirt up and nearly lost it right then, but forced myself to keep my mouth shut...I was still so worried I'd startle him into hurting you...of course he hurt you anyway..." Ryan scowled, furious with himself for not being able to stop it. "I kept moving closer...moving closer and faster, trying to get to you before he could hurt you again...I watched him kiss you...I watched that asshole press his lips to yours and I swear to God..." he trailed off, letting the surge of anger he felt at the thought subside before continuing. "I watched how you struggled against him, how hard you were trying to get away...I was just about to tackle him...it seemed like the perfect opportunity, but then...then he brought that knife to your face..."
"He moved too fast for me that time...I lunged towards you then, but he'd cut your arm as I was moving...I watched you bite back a scream as he got angrier, terrified that I was going to lose you right before I could get to you..." He let out a humorless chuckle. "I guess it's lucky for us that he apparently likes to drag things out...He lifted that knife and I knew I had my chance. I launched myself at him, knowing that I couldn't let him hurt you again..." He shook his head. "You asked if I was angry...yeah, I'd say that about covers it. Angry, furious, outraged...you name it. I think that if he was here right now that I would have absolutely no problems wrapping my hands around his throat and choking the life right out of him. I'd do it gladly." He gently stroked her cheek with his thumb as he felt a shiver go through her. "I don't mean to scare you...I'm sorry if I did...it's just...he hurt you."
Ryan dropped his hand from his face and looked at her, his eyes shining with tears. "He hurt you repeatedly and I may have been able to prevent some of it...I don't know for sure...maybe not....Maybe he would've hurt you anyway...maybe I would've ended up losing you after all. I don't know...that's the hardest part. I don't know. If it would've made things worse, than I'm grateful I didn't interfere until I did, but if I knew for certain it would've spared you from some pain...I don't think I could ever forgive myself..." he trailed off as he studied her. "Oh, baby...I will never stop wondering...And yes, I'm angry, but not at you...It wasn't your fault, Kelsi...you have to believe that."
"I can't," she whispered. "And even if it wasn't... I mean, okay, say it's not my fault...that's great, but it doesn't change the fact that another man kissed me. You have no idea how much that bothers me...that and the fact that he never leaves me alone. I still think about those kisses, as much as I don't want to. I can't control it... I try to, but I can't," she sniffled. "I keep thinking about another man when the only one I want to think about is you...it's not right and I am so, so sorry...I'm sorry you had to see it, I'm sorry you got hurt defending me. I'm sorry I've been so awful to you and I'm sorry I've been pushing you away, I'm sorry I-"
"Come here," he said gently, moving to pull her into his arms and letting out a growl of frustration as she resisted. "Kelsi."
"No," she whimpered. "No...I can't stand to have you touch me..." She pulled back from him, even as she pressed her hand back to the cheek he'd been caressing – having dropped his hand in his attempt to hold her. "I know I need you and I know I'll feel a lot better if I let you...I know how much I want you to, but...but I just can't take it...That guy...that that monster let a stain on me that I don't know how to get rid of...It's bad enough that it's made me dirty...I'm not going to get you dirty too."
"You are not dirty," Ryan argued, struggling to remain patient. "And at this point, I could give a rat's ass if you were. Come here." He tugged her into his arms before she had a chance to pull away.
"You're making a big mistake," she murmured, even as her head naturally found its way to his shoulder. "I'm not the girl you fell in love with...she's gone, baby...She's gone and I don't know how to get her back...I just don't know..." she whispered, partially amazed as an entirely new set of sobs overtook her.
"Kelsi...baby...sweetheart," he murmured, no doubt trying to soothe her. Instead, Kelsi felt herself stiffen, remembering that that'd been what her attacker had called her: sweetheart. She practically hurled herself out of his embrace in response, scrambling to her feet in a panic and then wincing at his stunned expression. "What in the world..."
"That's what he called me," she told him, realizing she sounded insane. "Sweetheart. That's what he called me right before he hurt me!"
"I'm sorry," Ryan said quickly, getting to his feet as well. "I didn't know that...I'm sorry."
"No...no, stop it," Kelsi snapped, annoyed with herself for her ridiculous reaction. "Stop apologizing...you just called me a name...a name you've called me before. I'm the one overreacting about it..." She shook her head. "I don't know what's happening to me...I just...I don't know. I feel...I feel so...so scared and defenseless and...and scared...I know I said that all ready, but I can't help it...I just...I don't know...I don't know how to make it better...I don't know how to change anything...I just don't know...My God...what's going to happen to me, Ryan?"
"Kelsi...Kelsi, look at me," he said firmly. "You need help. I came back today to find you curled up in a ball on the couch holding a knife. Are you listening to me? Holding a knife! You try to sleep, but you can't because you get nightmares...nightmares that are so horrible that you wake up screaming. Every single night. Sometimes more than once. You take all these showers every day and you still feel dirty." He shook his head, his eyes full of compassion, empathy and, most importantly, love for her.
"Baby, you've been trying so hard to act like everything is normal, but you're falling apart. You're crumbling into all these little tiny pieces and now you are so messed up that you don't know what 'okay' is anymore. That guy, that asshole, hurt you...he made you a victim and that wasn't your fault." He paused as a new train of thought entered his mind. "You know what rape's about? Attempted rape, in this case? It's about power and control. Guys like him hurt women because they feel like it gives them power over them. They hurt them knowing that the woman they've raped is going to keep thinking about them, they're going to start living in fear, terrified of getting hurt again...These men...these cretins get joy out of making their victims suffer. They love having such complete control over another human being. They relish in taking something from their victim...whether it's their sense of security, whether it's their innocence..." Ryan trailed off, not wanting to finish the thought because he knew how close she'd come to losing both.
"That asshole has turned you into a shadow of your former self...," he began, deciding that he'd rather change direction again rather than continue down the path he'd been heading. "He is ruining your life even as he sits in a jail cell miles away. Why? Because as long as you keep living the way you are, he has control over you. I know you're scared...scared of dealing with what happened, scared of not finding your way back to the way you were, scared of who knows what else...and that's okay."
He winced as the words came out of his mouth, knowing that they weren't entirely true. "Well...it's not okay...I should have said that the way you're feeling is understandable given the circumstances. I hate that you're so scared. I hate what your fear is doing to you...if I could snap my fingers and take all your fear away, I would do it in a second," he said, his voice thick with emotion. "You have no idea how much I wish I could do that, how much I wish I could magically make you feel safe again." Ryan let out a sad sigh as he studied her. "But I can't...I can help...if you let me, I can help, but I can't make it all go away by myself. You have to deal with it."
"Getting over this won't be easy. It'll be very hard in fact. I'm not saying it won't be, but baby, if you don't deal with it you're going to remain his victim for the rest of your life. Don't give him that satisfaction. The worst revenge you could get on him is moving on...really and truly moving on. Getting past the fear and opening yourself up to love again...I mean, look at us." Ryan's voice grew soft. "You've been so scared to lean on me because you don't want to suffocate me, because you feel dirty...you've been pushing me away when you need to pull me closer. I know it wasn't done on purpose and I know you hate it, but that monster has driven this weird wedge between us that keeping you from loving me the way you want to. That's keeping me from loving you the way I want to...the way you want me to."
"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I...I don't want to be like this anymore, but...I don't even know where to begin. I don't know what the first step is...I don't know how I can fix this."
"That's just it, honey. You can't...not by yourself," he said gently. "You need help. Come on, baby, why don't we pick out a counselor for you to try first thing tomorrow morning? If the first counselor doesn't work out for some reason, we'll find another one and so on. And then, maybe we can look into a support group. I think it would be a big help to you if you could talk to other women who know what you're going through. Who've been there themselves. Come on, Kelsi...it'll be hard, but you can do it. You can get better, I know it. I have complete faith in you."
"Would...would you go with me? If I...if I go see a counselor, I mean?" she asked quietly, watching as his eyes filled up with fresh tears. "I don't...I wouldn't want to go alone."
"Absolutely," he replied, smiling at her hopefully. "Does this mean you'll go to one?"
"I'll try," she said slowly. "I'm not promising anything."
"Baby, I'm just happy that you're willing to give it a shot. That a wonderful third step," he said.
"Third step? What were the first two?" she asked, confused.
"The first was coming to me when you had your nightmare," he answered. "You haven't been doing that...I always try to help you, but up until tonight you've been pushing me away...sometimes even locking your door so I can't get to you." He gave her a small, sad smile. "But tonight you came to me, came running, in fact...and not only that, but you let me comfort you."
"Yeah, until I wigged out on you," she said, sounding both sheepish and sad.
"Even so," he argued gently. "You let me help you through it. That was huge, Kelsi. And not only did you let me be there for you, you also told me why you've been acting the way you have. You've been trying so hard to keep everything bottled up, but tonight you finally started opening up about it. You took such a big step tonight, baby, and I am so proud of you for taking it." At his words her lips curled up into a tiny smile as she felt her throat tighten with emotion, touched by what he'd said.
"What was the second step?" she wanted to know once she was able to speak again.
"Well...you haven't done it yet," he admitted.
"What is it?" she pressed.
"Let me take care of you. Please, baby, stop pushing me away and let me help you," he said quietly. "You don't have to worry about suffocating me...you may feel like you need me too much now, but I think you're way too hard on yourself. The only reason you're not getting better is because you're not trying to...and no, ignoring it is not trying." He gave her another smile. "I think that once you start making an effort, you'll be amazed at how far you'll come. Again...I have total faith in you. You may never be the girl you were...I'm not sure it's possible to go completely back to normal after going through something like this." He lifted his hand to her cheek, biting back another smile as she didn't try to back away this time. "I mean...you'll still be the same person in a lot of ways, but you'll be like a new version of yourself."
"Are you...are you still going to love the new version of me? Assuming it ever happens?" she asked timidly.
"Baby, there is nothing in this world that can stop me from loving you. That's a given," he promised, his voice sincere. "And it will happen. You'll see. You'll get over this and be better and stronger than you ever were. It's very possible that I might end up loving you more."
"Okay, but what about in the meantime? Even if you're right...it still may take a while...what if I drive you away in the process?" she asked, sounding concerned.
"Were you listening to me just now?" he asked, shaking his head at her. "If not, allow me to repeat myself: there is nothing in this world that can stop me from loving you. Not even you."
"But...but Ryan, I know that if I start leaning on you now I won't let you go...I mean...I could get really, really clingy for a while," she admitted, wincing.
"Honey, considering the way it's been this past week, I don't think there's anything I would enjoy more than having you hold onto me," he said honestly, holding his arms open in invitation. "Cling away." He watched her bite her lip, knowing that she was torn between her irrational fear of being close to him and her need to be in his arms. "Baby...I think you're at a crossroads right now and you have two choices. And maybe it's unfair of me to do this...I want you to know that I'm doing this because I think it's what you need and I am in no way trying to hurt you, if I do," he paused.
"Right now you have two choices: him or me. You can ignore me and go back to your room and another nightmare...which will mean literally turning your back on me and choosing him...though let me just say here and now that I have no intentions of giving you up without a fight. If that is your choice, than I'll just try and change your mind tomorrow. That's option one."
"Option two? Choose me. Choose us. Don't let him continue to drive a wedge between us, do something about it. You feel bad because you can't stop thinking about him? Think about me instead and know that every time you consciously do so that it'll be one less link in the chain he has you bound with." His voice was passionate as he continued. "Stop running away from what happened and fight. Fight like you did when he was trying to hurt you. Fight like you actually give a damn about what happens to you. Pick me."
"Oh, Ryan," Kelsi frowned as she studied him, feelings unwanted walls starting to go up around her heart as her fears weaseled their way back to the forefront of her mind. "I...I wish...I wish I was strong enough...I really do, but I'm just not," she whispered.
"Yes, you are," he argued, his face falling. "Kelsi, come on...don't do this."
"I'm sorry...I'm sorry..." She slowly stepped away from him and turned around as she reached the hallway. "You...you deserve better..."
"Forget about me and what I deserve...you deserve better, Kelsi," he sighed, sounding dejected. "Dammit Kelsi...I don't know what else I can say to you. It's up to you now...it's your choice. You can choose fear or you can choose me...but if you choose fear than..." He trailed off, unsure how to finish the sentence. "Choose me...please, Kelsi. Choose me."
"I'm sorry," she whispered, taking another couple of steps. The face of her attacker popped into her head unexpectedly, sneering at her. The image quickly fading into the ones from her dream: having her top cut open, having that awful man's hand move over her...watching Ryan getting stabbed...Kelsi froze as that image popped up. Is that what she was doing? Going back to her bedroom and to another nightmare...turning away from Ryan, who represented everything good and magical about her life. Ryan, who loved her enough to put himself between her and the man trying to kill her...who loved her enough to stay with her and do his best to take care of her, even though she rejected him in a hundred different ways every day.
Kelsi pressed a hand to her heart as memories of dozens of those rejections ran through her mind at warp speed, each one accompanied by the hurt Ryan tried so hard to hide. So her dream had been just a dream and Ryan hadn't really been stabbed. Odds were pretty good that he never would be - at least not literally, but what about symbolically? Is that what she was doing? By turning her back on him now, knowing that she was hurting him yet again, she couldn't help but feel like she was shoving an imaginary knife into his stomach and then watching him bleed. She knew that if she returned to her bedroom, that she would make yet another promise to treat him better tomorrow than she did tonight...but what good were promises if they were never kept? In the dream, she had pressed her hand to his wound to try and stop the bleeding, even while somehow knowing it was in vain. Was that what her empty promises were like? A well-intentioned attempt to stop the bleeding she'd caused, all the while somehow knowing that they wouldn't help?
Ryan had told her that she needed to choose between him and the man who'd attacked her. The former was a man who loved her enough to take her abuse...the other was a dangerous cretin whose goal had been to make her his victim. Kelsi bit her lip, surprised when something her attacker had said to her while she was dreaming came to mind: '"Told you it'd be painful for him if he interrupted us," the man snickered evilly. "You should've listened when I told you to shut up."' Ryan had compared Kelsi's hold to her attacker as a chain. He argued that every time she consciously thought about him – Ryan – that it'd be one less link in that chain. Supposing that was true, than wouldn't the opposite also be true? That is, every time she chose her attacker she was adding one more link to it?
The man who'd hurt her was the enemy...that much was certain. He had invaded her mind against her will, somehow managing to fill her head with lies – even while she dreamed. Kelsi hadn't wanted to hurt Ryan anymore and had thought that shutting him out was the best way to do that, adding to her ever growing list of reasons why she'd been pushing him away. She'd assumed that it'd be better for him if she ignored the issue, like her attacker would want her to do, but that was a lie. Ignoring the issue wasn't only ruining Kelsi's life; it was ruining Ryan's as well. Kelsi's jaw clenched as the memory from her dream filtered through her head once more, this time focusing on the way he'd laughed. The way he'd taken joy in her agony – both in the dream and in reality.
Her eyes narrowed at the thought, knowing that Ryan was right and that she was letting that awful man get his way...by pushing Ryan away, by not dealing with what happened, she was letting her attacker win. Well, not anymore, she decided. She would take back her life and she would take back her boyfriend. She would stop letting that horrible monster dictate how she was going to live. "No," she murmured, pretending she was addressing him directly. "No...I'm not letting you win." She spun back around, watching as Ryan's eyes lit up with what she could only describe as cautious hope. "I'm choosing you," she said softly, making her way back towards him though her steps were taken slowly. She came to a stop right in front of him. "But...I have a few conditions...three..." She frowned as another one came to mind. "Four," she decided.
"Conditions?" he asked, sounding intrigued. "What are they?"
"Condition number one...don't give up on me. You...you have more faith in me than I do...I know you think I can do it, but I don't right now. I need you to keep believing in me, even when I don't," she paused, "especially when I don't. It may be a really hard road and you might feel like giving up on me, but please...please don't," she pleaded.
"Never. I will never give up on you," he promised. "What's the second condition?"
"I need to try to get back to a normal life...having someone sleeping on my couch isn't normal," she said quietly. "You can't stay out here anymore...I'm kicking you out."
"Out of the room or out of the apartment?" he asked, sounding somewhat alarmed at the thought of leaving her.
"Well, that brings me to condition three...which is actually the real reason for condition two..." She let out a weary sigh. "I don't sleep anymore, Ryan. I try...I go to bed and pray that I fall asleep only to end up tossing and turning for forever...and of course by the time I do fall asleep, I get those awful nightmares that wake me up again," she shuddered. "And then the cycle repeats itself over and over again...it's not healthy."
"I agree," he said softly.
"I need to start sleeping again," she decided. "But...but I can't sleep if I don't feel safe." She gave him a small smile. "The last night I felt safe in my room...the last time I actually got a good night of sleep was the night of my attack...and that was only because you were holding me." Kelsi took a deep breath before she went on. "Condition three has two parts...one...I want you to stay here until I feel safe enough to live by myself again. I have no idea when that'll be...it could be a while..."
"I'll stay as long as you need me," he assured her, though he winced a second later. "I will have to go to work and get back to class at some point..."
"I know," she nodded. "Me too..." Kelsi bit her lip at the thought. "We'll...we'll figure it out."
"Okay," he smiled. "What's the second part of this condition?"
"I want you to start sleeping with me in my bed," she said somewhat shyly, her gaze dropping to the floor. "I...I don't...I want..." she stammered. "I want to go to bed at night with your arms around me...I want to know that I'm safe when I'm sleeping...I just...I need you in there with me."
"Done," he agreed. "I'd like nothing more than to be able to hold you all night long." At that he was rewarded with a full smile...something that had been missing all week.
"Well...you might like the fourth condition," she informed him. "See...I close my eyes and I see the guy who attacked me...I feel his lips on mine and it makes me feel dirty and it makes me ashamed and it makes me angry...Angry because it was bad enough that he attacked me...he doesn't get to invade my mind too," she said, a bit of an edge creeping into her voice and causing her eyes to widen in surprise, even in light of her recent decision. "I...I'm not sure where that came from..."
"Have you ever admitted to yourself that you were angry?" he asked, curious.
"No," she said thoughtfully. "I never thought about it before..."
"See that?" He beamed at her. "You're looking past your fear and figuring out what other emotions you have lingering in there. This is a good thing, baby. You can't fix it until you acknowledge it."
"Yeah...I guess you're right...huh." Kelsi thought about that for a moment before remembering what she'd been about to say. "Yeah...I'm angry and tired of him getting in my head every time I close my eyes. I don't want to think about him and I most certainly don't want to think about his lips...The only man I want to think about, whether my eyes are open or closed is you." She studied him, feeling her heart swell with love for him. "I can't make him go away, but you can...I mean, you did it before when you saved me," she said quietly. "I think you can do it again..." She took a deliberate step closer to him and grabbed his hands, wrapping his arms around her waist.
Kelsi slowly trailed her hands up his arms, trying to commit the way he felt to memory as she kept her eyes on his. "I've missed this," she murmured as her hands reached his shoulders.
"Me too." Ryan nodded in agreement.
"Condition four..." Kelsi gently traced his lips with her finger as she wrapped her other arm around his neck. "Make him go away...I want more contact with you...physically speaking," A faint blush spread across her face as she thought about what she'd said. "That...didn't come out exactly right. I meant that I want you to start holding and hugging me again...I want you to start kissing me again...I didn't mean other things..." she stammered, feeling her face heat up even more. "Geez...I really messed that up..."
"I love you." An unexpected chuckle escaped as he kissed her forehead, quickly falling serious. "It's been a while since I've heard one of your 'Kelsi rambles'. I've missed them."
"I've missed you," she said softly, wrapping her other arm around his neck. "Kiss me. Make him go away, baby...I know you can."
"Okay," he whispered. "I love you," he added, the words more emotional than they'd been moments before. "I love you so much."
"I love you too," she said quietly, her eyes fluttering closed as he softly kissed her forehead again, kissing her cheeks next. "Ryan." His name came out on a sigh as he brushed his lips against her in a tender kiss.
"Oh Ryan," Kelsi sighed as she caressed his cheek, smiling at him as she continued. "I don't know what would've happened to me back then if you hadn't of been around. You saved me, baby. First from that monster and then from myself... I was broken and you fixed me."
"I helped," he corrected. "You were the one doing all the hard work. Don't sell yourself short."
"I couldn't have done it without you, though," she shook her head. "You stayed with me throughout my entire recovery, you...you let me treat you badly that first week and you still stayed. I tried to push you away and you wouldn't let me. You fought for me...you fought for me so many times back then. You were there to comfort me when I had my nightmares and there to hold me when I broke down in tears. There were so many times I wanted to give up, convinced I wasn't strong enough to get better. There were so many times I lost faith in myself, but you never lost your faith in me. You were always the first person to reassure me, to hold me up when I was falling back down again."
Kelsi's lip quivered as she kept her eyes trained on his. "You were my strength and my comfort, my hope and my protector. The person I went to for encouragement and love. You were what kept me going when I wanted to give up. I may not have believed in myself, but I didn't want to let you down so I kept fighting. I...I wanted you to be proud of me."
"I was," he said quietly, kissing her forehead. "I am."
"You know...you hear people talk about guardian angels," Kelsi began softly. "You know, heavenly beings that God sends down to watch over all of us. To keep us safe from things that may harm us," she chuckled. "My mom's always been big on angels. She's convinced that they exist and so am I. I think that everyone has their own guardian angel, but..." Her smile softened as she began to absently play with his hair. "You know what? I think I'm a pretty lucky woman. Know why?"
"Why?" he asked.
"Because I think that God blessed me with two angels. One being one of those heavenly beings that we can't see and the other one being you," she said sweetly. "I wonder how many people get to live with their very own angel? And that's what you are, baby. You are my very own personal angel sent by God to watch over me. To take care of me and to love me."
"Oh Kelsi," Ryan murmured, leaning into give her a soft kiss. "I don't think I'd call myself an angel, but I certainly intend to always watch over and take care of you. Loving you is a given."
"Good," she beamed at him as she kissed him. "And you are my angel...whether you think so or not. That's your next song, too...Angel by Sarah McLachlan. I love that song...it's so beautiful...and I love that the lyrics can be interpreted in so many ways. I mean...I read somewhere that she wrote it about a drug addict and their addiction to heroin...heroin being the angel...and it certainly fits. But it can be taken in other ways...see, for me, that song could easily be about you. My beloved angel."
"I could've given this song to you at any time, but I thought that it seemed especially appropriate for this particular memory. I was...I was so far gone that week, gone to the point where I didn't remember what it was like to feel okay. I was keeping knives with me and having horrible nightmares. I felt like I was sinking deeper and deeper into this dark and scary pit and I didn't know how to pull myself up. But you...you jumped into that pit with me and you helped pull me out. I would've been lost forever if you hadn't saved me," she said quietly.
"When I was finally back in your arms...when I finally decided to let you take care of me...I can't even explain how that felt. At least not on my own...maybe some of the lyrics will help. 'In the arms of an angel, fly away from here. From this dark cold hotel room and the endlessness that you fear. You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie. You're in the arms of the angel. May you find some comfort there.'" Kelsi shifted around slightly so that she could snuggle a little closer to him. "You are my comfort...you're where I run whenever something is wrong. You're my shelter from all the storms of life...you keep me safe. You're my protector...you keep me from any danger." She shrugged a shoulder. "You're my angel," she concluded simply.
"Mmm," he murmured, kissing her again and the next few moments were still as they sat cuddled up together. "Kelsi..." Ryan said after a while. "Baby...I love you so much...you're my whole world and there isn't anything I wouldn't do to keep you safe." He rested his head against hers as he continued. "You're too precious to me to lose...which is why you have to let me take you to see a doctor. Please, honey...please, let me take you to get checked out. I know you keep saying you're okay, but humor me. I need to hear it from a doctor...I...I don't want to lose you," he whispered.
"Oh honey," Kelsi sighed, pulling back to place a series of kisses on his forehead while she contemplated what she should do. On one hand, she desperately wanted to stick to her plan and tell him she was pregnant after the last song was given...but on the other, she'd known Ryan was worried about her, but she hadn't realized just how much until just now.
"Please Kelsi," Ryan pleaded softly.
"Ryan, baby...oh, look at this face," she said sadly, cradling his face with his hands. "I can't stand to see you looking so worried and sad. I just can't...I want you to be happy..." Kelsi bit her lip. "You're such a good man, Ryan. You love me so much and you're always looking for new ways to show me how much. You are the most important person in the world to me and I love you so, so much. I don't want you to worry about me anymore..." She took a deep breath as she realized she'd made her decision.
"You know, honey, every time you put your arms around me I feel so incredibly safe and so very loved. In your arms I find security and comfort and gentleness and strength...I love these arms," Kelsi said, trailing her hand down one of them and grabbing his hand, discreetly bringing it to her stomach. She kept one hand over his, holding it in place as she kept her other hand on his cheek, looking deep into his eyes as she continued. "I love the way I feel when they're around me...and I love knowing that that is exactly how our baby is going to feel."
*awaits the virtual tomatoes I'm sure are coming...* ;)