We... used to joke around as children.

"I'm gonna marry you someday, Hikaru!" I'd joke sometimes.

Hikaru would always smile, laugh, and agree with me.

I miss those days.

"Why are you two so weird?" One kid asked us when we gotten into preschool. We'd just came there, and we didn't quite fit in that well because it was a public preschool so rich and common people sent their children there. Oh woe is me, we got sent there.

"Weird?" We both asked at the same time.

"Yes, weird, you never play with me," The kid argued right back at us. This was something new.

We had gone to the preschool for about two months now, no one had ever bothered talking to us. They all stared at us because we were twins, no one wanted to be our friends because we were mirror images. They were terrified of us, and I loved it.

"Kaoru doesn't need to play with anyone else," Hikaru replied. It shocked me and I stared at him for awhile, unaware of what message he was trying to bring across. "He has me, and I have him. We can be as weird as we want as long as we're together. As long as we have eachother we will never be fully weird."

Hikaru was... more mentally established than me.

"She's pretty," Hikaru said once.

More secure.

Hikaru stared at me and laughed, "Why can't mother give us a sister? Girl's are so pretty, I want one for my own."

So innocent.

"You mean our own?" I argued the moment I heard the word "my".

Hikaru looked at me again. With those sad eyes.

"No. For MY own."

It... kind of hit me then. Hikaru and I could never be together. He wasn't interested.

I realized that when he let go of my hand for the first time.

Hikaru.

He means the world to me.

That's... kind of funny actually. Hikaru is the world to me, for there was only two things in our cold, frozen, barren, and hateful world. Kaoru. Hikaru. Those were the only two things in our world. The bad things were Myself and Himself. They snuck in. They started to drag Hikaru away from me.

Those wretched creatures took him away from me.

Now, I hate myself. I cannot hate himself though, himself is the splitting image of Hikaru, not Kaoru. Myself is the image of Kaoru, not Hikaru. That scared me, it still scares me. It was those two words that broke our bond, little by little.

Haruhi just got the dull scissors and finally detached it.

I tried to fix it from my end, but I need Hikaru's help. However, one day, the roles might be switched on us.

"I hope you die," Some girl's older sister told us one year. "For talking to my sister like that, telling her she's ugly, that she could never find a place in your hearts. I don't see what you're talking about. I know now why she could never find a place in your hearts, because you don't even know where it is!"

That girl was the first person who made me cry. She was four years older than us.

Hikaru... was fascinated with her.

"It'll kill you if you stare too long," I tried to scare him, secretly afraid of what will happen.

I didn't know it conciously then, I'm only realizing it now.

We spied on mom and dad a lot as they watched those adult movies, it was so interesting. So intriguing. It interested Hikaru more, as he saw the man and the woman together. I got envious once, so I asked him, why not try it ourselves? So we did.

"I'll marry Kaoru one day," Hikaru had announced in the house when mom and dad were gone.

That's the first time we were seperated.

I didn't see Hikaru for a whole hour.

It felt like forever.

"Hey, Kaoru!" Tamaki had called to me once. "Hikaru can copy your voice pretty well."

I nodded to him. I didn't really want Tamaki, I wanted Hikaru.

"Can you copy Hikaru?"

"Of course I can!" I replied in Hikaru's voice. "It's not that hard!"

"Wow!" Tamaki gasped. "That's amazing! Do it again! Hikaru wants to-"

"Never in my damn life am I doing that again," I swore out loud.

Tamaki blinked in disbelief at me. "Why not?"

I never answered him that day. I did one day though.

"Hikaru's more majestic," I replied. "He does it so much better, there's so much magic in his voice, it's a sin to even try to copy that."

"You cherish your brother, don't you?" Tamaki whispered.

I cried to him.

I regret it.

I hate myself for it. I hate myself for everything. I don't like himself much either, but I love Hikaru.

To hold his hand again, to lay in bed with him again, to feel his soft skin, to feel his tongue as it hit mine when no one was looking. That play gave me so many things to remember, and remember them I will. I'll remember them on my dying day, as I lay there, moaning for my last breath. I wish Hikaru would be there, be by my side forever! For eternity! Until the end of time! That is a foolish wish though. Completely idiotic.

"You are my soul," I told him once.

"What?" He questioned back.

I admitted it, I told him I loved him, and he didn't even hear. Oh God, it makes me cry so hard sometimes. I get up a lot though, because someone told me something.

Haruhi taught me some valuable lessons when I was at her house, she heard them somewhere.

"I got these from this website," Haruhi told me.

"Never give up, for around the corner, your life might change forever."

"When you step to the edge of all the life you have left and take that first step into the darkness of the unknown, you might believe one of two things will happen. There will be something solid for you to step upon, or you will learn how to fly."

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."

"To the world you may be one person, but to one person you might be the world."

Listening to Haruhi tell me these as they fit my situations, I couldn't help but smile, and I began thinking about Hikaru. How when we kissed, it was experimental love, it was never supposed to turn into anything else. It was our close version of brotherly love. I wasn't supposed to go past that. I wasn't supposed to desecrate the ground in our world and discover that blooming flower called love. I was never suposed to.

Why, Eros, did you shoot me when I was with my brother? You know that I never stop looking at him.

I made a quote of my own though.

"While learning love I accidentally fell in love."

"At first I was pretending, but I know I really love you."

I just... wish I could share these with him, with my darling Hikaru.

He means... the world to me.

The world in my definition is one word: Hikaru.

I wonder what his is? Probably this: Girls.

I hate people. No, I just dislike them. The only thing I hate is myself. Myself started all of this. Myself begged himself to come and try to desecrate our safekeeping, our stronghold. Himself listened to myself, and once himself and myself got in and attacked Hikaru and Kaoru, Hunny and Mori broke in from behind. Then Tamaki broke in. Then Kyoya... now Haruhi too. Nekozawa and Chris got in too... it's kind of funny. I'm really laughing now that I think about it. What do our walls look like now? It's not that hard to figure out... I see the walls in the mirror everyday. I'm what's left. The only thing keeping Hikaru from leaving forever... I hate himself. I hate myself. I can NEVER stress that enough.

Hikaru should've never learned how to talk.

I should've broke his legs.

Cut off his arms.

He could never leave me then. Hikaru would be mine. No himself, no myself. Just Hikaru and Kaoru together forever.

Dammit, why did I fall in love with him?