Sorry if I'm unable to update quite as regularly. I'm in process of getting a new job which entails a huge move (to Boston for any of you who live there!). I'll try to update as often as I can. Here's a little more. Feedback PLEASE!
She had to leave, to get out of the room and be alone. She and Jack had talked about this, had agreed that this was what was best for the children. But now, now it was becoming a reality and she didn't know how she was going to handle it.
As she stood up to leave, Jack reached out to take her arm but she pulled away from him. She was angry! Angry at him, angry at the Lyconians, at the Gratians, at everyone. She knew it was unfair, but it didn't matter. It felt like her heart was being torn out.
She strode from the room, the voices of the others following her. Ignoring them and the concern they voiced she left. Walking away from the village she kept going until she came to a clearing in the woods, which gave the illusion of privacy.
Standing there, her control finally slipped away completely. The hot tears began to stream down her face. With a sob, she buried her head in her hands.
Why? Why did she have to fall in love with those two little beings, those two tiny little children who offered nothing but joy and love? For a long time she had thought that motherhood wasn't in the cards for her. She had put her career, hell, the whole world, in front of any desires she might have had. It was only this year, this horrible, crazy, awful, wonderful year that had seen her get the secret desires of her heart.
She thanked God for Jack – that she had the opportunity to openly love him and be loved by him. But along with the new found ability to be with him had come those two children, Hannah and Jon. Now, they were going to lose them.
For the first time ever, she had a sense of what Jack dealt with everyday. She knew the loss of his son was painful, was something he'd never gotten over – but she had no idea the depth of that pain. She didn't know if she could live with what she now felt, and yet she knew the children would be fine, they'd be with family. Jack had to live with the fact that his son was gone forever, killed in a tragic accident.
At this moment, her heart was filled with sorrow for him, but it was paradoxically filled with anger. It was his fault that she had grown to love those children. He was the one who showed her how wonderful a mother's love could be – and now that was being torn from her. Oh, logically she knew it wasn't his fault, but that didn't matter. She was furious.
As she stood there, sure her heart had been smashed to pieces, she heard a noise of someone approaching. Knowing it must be Jack she looked to see if there was a way to escape. She didn't want to see him or talk to him right now. She was afraid of what she might say or do.
Realizing that there was no where to go – that he would simply follow and find her, she stood her ground. She didn't look up, however, as he marched into the copse.
He walked up to take her in his arms but she tried to pull away.
Holding her arm he was able to speak to her.
"Sam!" If she had not been so consumed with her own feelings she would have seen the agony on his face and felt it in his silent voice. As it was, she only felt her anger at him build. Why was he bothering her? This was his fault.
"Go away Jack. I don't need you – I don't want you. I just want to be alone", she pulled her arm from his grasp.
He again reached over to touch her, to offer her some comfort and to also get some from her. He desperately needed her right now as he felt his world being ripped from under him.
Once again she jerked her arm from his grasp and walked away. Refusing to look at him, or let him touch her, she effectively stopped him from communicating with her.
He stood for a few more minutes, hoping that she would turn to him, that she would share the grief with him. She didn't. It came to him, in that moment, how Sara must have felt all those years ago.
Finally acknowledging to himself that Sam would not reach out to him he turned and walked away, leaving her to her sorrow.
Like Sam, he didn't want to face anyone at present. However, he knew that he couldn't leave the children for much longer. They were with Eranna but would be missing them. With an ache so intense it far outdid any of the torture he'd undergone this year, he turned and headed back to Hannah and Jon. He knew he couldn't let them see what he was feeling, but he also knew he had to see them and hold them – even for the short time they had left together.
As he walked to the village he met Daniel and Teal'c, both of whom had followed out of concern for them both.
"Jack. I'm sorry – if there's anything we can do?" Daniel asked, reaching out to Jack.
Jack stood silently, his head bowed, his arm held by his friend. Unable to say anything, or to respond in any way, he simply shook his head. Briefly touching Daniel and then Teal'c on the shoulder he turned and walked away.
"Oh God Teal'c. Why did this have to happen – and to Jack of all people? Can't he ever get a break."
"It appears not Daniel. This will cause him much sorrow and I fear for him. It will also bring much sadness to Samantha. I hope this does not tear them apart."
Daniel looked at him, startled at that.
"You surely don't think this would wreck their relationship? They love each other and have for a long time."
"I know, however this may be so difficult for them that they cannot overcome it – especially if they are unable to talk to one another about it."
"Yeah – that's Jack for you! He can't ever deal with anything too emotional."
"I fear that this time it is not O'Neill that won't speak. I think Major Carter may be the one. She has never felt the love of a child – or the loss and she may have a hard time knowing what to do. I fear for O'Neill because he needs her right now – but she is not able to be there for him. They need to grieve together. I hope they will find the strength and the love to do so."
"Oh man – why now? It's not as if they don't have enough to deal with. Is there anything we can do?"
"I will talk to Major Carter – you watch after O'Neill. With all he has been through he may be very fragile right now."
"Okay. I hope you can get through to her. Let me know how it goes!"
Daniel and Teal'c split up – Daniel to follow Jack, Teal'c to try and find Sam.
It didn't take long for Teal'c to find her. By the time he arrived, she had stopped crying and was sitting on a log, staring off into the forest. He slowly made his way over to her and sat beside her. It reminded him of the time he had sat with her in the locker room when Jack had been missing .
He sat quietly for a few minutes, knowing that she was aware of his presence, but letting her take the lead.
"What am I going to do Teal'c? I can't lose them."
"I do not know Major Carter. It will be very hard. All I know is that you have many friends, many who love you. We will be here for you and will help you through this."
"I don't know if anyone can. I feel like my heart is being ripped out. What can friends do for that?"
"Samantha", here he turned and faced her, "it is painful, more painful than probably anything you have experienced. I cannot know what it is like, few can. But I do know that that there is someone who does know. He can help you through this. You must let him try."
"I can't. I feel so angry at him Teal'c. I know it's not fair but right now I don't care about being fair. I just know that I'm losing two children, two children that I've grown to love as my own. And I know that if it hadn't been for Jack I wouldn't have fallen in love with them in the first place."
"Is that true Samantha? Are you being honest with yourself? Do you truly believe that you wouldn't have loved those children if O'Neill had not been there? Did you not tell me that the children themselves picked you as their mother? Maybe they are the ones to blame, rather than him."
"The children? How could I blame them? I love them."
"And do you not also love O'Neill?"
Sam swiftly looked up at Teal'c, shocked to her core. Oh my God – what had she done? She blamed Jack because she loved those children and they loved her. That wasn't his fault! In fact, it was his gift to her. Through him she'd gotten to know and to love those children. But,Teal'c was right. There was no way of knowing what would have happened even if he hadn't been there. What about Cassie? She had loved that little girl from the moment she'd met her. She did have the capacity for a mother's love - it wasn't something that Jack had given her.
"Oh Teal'c – what have I done? How could I be so unfair to him? He must hate me."
"He does not hate you. He loves you very much. But Samantha – he needs you right now – he needs you desperately. This is another loss for O'Neill and I do not believe he will get through it without you. Together you can give each other strength and comfort. Do not leave him to suffer alone – and yourself also."
"Thank you my friend. What would I do without you?" Leaning over she put her arms around Teal'c and held him for a few minutes. He held her as well, trying to give her the strength she so desperately needed. Finally, he sat up.
"Go to him Sam." She looked at him and smiled.
"I think that's the first time you've ever called me that Teal'c!"
"Indeed, Major Carter. It seemed the correct thing to do." He grinned back at her gently.
With another quick hug she got up and started back to the village, turning around once to give her friend a small wave and a silent 'thank you'.
Daniel looked around the village, worried as to where Jack had gone. It was when he heard the giggles of two little children that he figured out where his friend was.
Walking into Adia's house he saw Jack playing on the floor with both children. Hannah was perched on his back and Jon was on his hands and knees beside Jack. They were all laughing and having a wonderful time.
Daniel was relieved, believing that Jack was handling this better that he'd expected, when he caught a glimpse of the Colonel's face. The man looked like death. His face was pale and his eyes shone with the deepest pain Daniel had ever witnessed. The only other time he'd seen something like this was on the first Abydos mission. Jack had had that same expression in his eyes.
Oh Jack, he thought, you so don't deserve this. Looking up to the sky, Daniel spoke to whatever force or deity was there. "Can't you give him a break? He's a good man. Don't do this!" Of course, nothing and no one answered and Daniel knew there really was nothing anyone could do.
He sat and watched as Jack continued to play with the kids. Eventually, they both grew tired and were ready for their nap. Jack gave each of them a quick drink, took them to the bathroom and tucked them into the small bed which Adia had made up for them. He gave each of them a kiss on the forehead – if it lasted a little longer than normal no one would ever know. He sat on the chair beside them until both had dropped off to sleep. It was only then that he let down his guard and allowed his feeling to show.
"Jack" Daniel whispered. Jack raised his head but didn't look at the archaeologist.
"Jack – let's go outside." The older man simply shook his head – still looking down at the children.
"I know this is tough – we're here for you. Come out and let's talk."
He laughed silently at that. Of course, Daniel's panacea for all – talk. Only he knew that talking wouldn't help. There was nothing that would.
"Jack", this time another voice whispered across the room. This voice made him sit up, but still he didn't turn around.
"Jack – please. Come with me. I'm so sorry – so sorry I sent you away. I do want you – I do need you. Please!"
Tired, he felt so tired. He didn't know if he wanted any of this right now. At first, he had desperately wanted and needed Sam – now he wanted to be alone. Deep down inside, however, he knew that was fatal. That was the way to the destruction of his relationship and a slow death of his spirit.
So, taking a last look at the children he stood and turned towards her. Not wanting to look at her face, or to see the pain in her eyes, he kept his head down, but he did walk towards her. When he arrived he simply stood – unsure as to what to do.
She knew that she had to be the one to take charge, to make the first step. She had sent him away, now she needed to offer him comfort – and to let him comfort her.
One of the things that she had learned about this man over the years was that he had an elemental need to look after others. His caring ran bone deep – and he would always put other first, often to the detriment of himself. Now, she knew that the one way for him to deal with this situation was to allow him to help her.
"Jack – please. I need you." At those words he finally looked up and into her eyes. What she saw there mirrored what was in her heart.
"Oh my darling!" Reaching out she wrapped her arms around him and held him close. After a brief, but painful hesitation, he put his arms around her. The two of them stood there, silently, for many minutes, not saying anything – not needing to say anything – but giving and receiving comfort, solace and a deep abiding love.
With a smile, and one last look, Daniel left the two of them alone – knowing that what was ahead of them was going to be rough – but they would survive together.
The next day Jack approached Erthan to find out the details of Lagreema's family. It turned out her parents, Jo'el and Ermia, were good people – simple farmers who worked the land and who did not own slaves. Like so many others, they had fallen into debt to Frotush. To pay off the debt, Frotush had demanded that Jo'el lie about a case involving one of his men. When the farmer had refused, the wicked tyrant had taken Lagreema and made her Nogratia out of revenge.
Erthan also explained that there was another child, Solanna. She was a young woman of about 18 who still lived at home but who had recently become betrothed to a young landowner who lived close by. Through the marriage, they could consolidate their holdings to the benefit of both.
Once Jack and the others had figured out where the farm was, all of them had discussed the best course of action. Erthan had indicated that Jo'el and his wife hated Frotush – they would certainly not give any information to the man about the Gratians or about where the children had come from. They had told the messenger that they would claim the children were cousins whose parents had died and had come to live with them.
Although they wanted to be able to keep the children for as long as possible, both Jack and Sam knew it was probably better for the children to go to their grandparents. They didn't know what was going to happen, but there could potentially be a battle in which many were hurt or killed. Both of them knew it was better to have the children out of the way and safe.
So – with very heavy hearts – they left early one morning to deliver the children. Jack held on to Jon as Sam hugged little Hannah. Seated in the back of the wagon they kept the children occupied by playing games. Sam even taught them some songs from her childhood.
Both the adults found it incredibly difficult to maintain an air of calm in front of the children. They knew the coming separation would be traumatic for all of them – so the longer they could make the children happy, the better.
It was late in the afternoon by the time they arrived at Jo'el's farm. As they pulled in to the yard they saw an older woman in the small garden. She looked up when she heard the noise of the wagon and stood staring as Jack and Sam exited, holding the children. When she saw them, she started to walk up slowly.
"Mama – they're here!" a young woman flew out of the front door of the house and raced towards them. This must be the younger sister. She appeared excited and happy to see the two children.
"Are these my sister's children?" she asked breathlessly as she arrived.
"Yes. These are Lagreema's children. This is Hannah", Sam motioned to the little girl in her arms, "and that is Jon", nodding her head in the direction of the little boy attached to Jack's leg.
"Hello", the young woman kneeled down and spoke directly to Jon. "I'm your Aunt Solanna. It's nice to meet you."
"Jon, say hello", Sam instructed softly.
"Hello", the boy answered. Both the children were looking anxious, unsure as to what was happening, but picking up on the vibes of their parents.
"These are her children?" the older woman asked gruffly as she arrived.
"Yes", again answered Sam.
"Fine. You may leave them. Solanna – take them inside. I thank you for your care of them. You are welcome to stay for dinner but I'm sorry, we have no room for you to stay the night."
Sam glanced at Jack – unsure of how to react to this woman. She certainly didn't warm up to her.
"Uh, thank you – but that's okay. We've eaten. We'd like to say goodbye before you take the children."
"Fine. But please don't linger. They don't need the upset. It'll be better for them to get used to their new life sooner rather than later." Here the old woman turned away and headed back to her garden.
"Jack?" he looked at her and shrugged. He didn't know what to make of this either.
"Do not worry. My mother can sound harsh but she is a good woman. We will look after the children well. I loved my sister dearly and I am happy to have her children with us."
"What about your father?" asked Sam.
"He is in the fields with my betrothed. They are working the land. He has agreed to have the children but couldn't take time away right now." All the while she was talking, Solanna had been smiling and waving at the children.
Relieved that the children were obviously wanted, at least by their Aunt, Jack and Sam turned to them. They knew the time had come that they dreaded to the bottom of their souls – but they could put it off no longer.
Sam knelt down to the children.
"Jon, Hannah – you know your Daddy and I love you more than anything in the whole world right?" Jon nodded but Hannah just reached over and patted her mother's cheek.
"Well, we have to go now. You are going to stay with your Auntie and your Grandma and Grandpa. They will love you just as much and will look after you. You have to be good for them, okay?"
Both the children started to look worried again, not understanding what was happening. Hannah's lower lip began to quiver and tears began to drip from her eyes.
"No – stay Mommy, Daddy!" she cried.
Jon wrapped his arms around Jack's legs, refusing to let go and shouting "no, no" over and over again.
"Oh God", sobbed Sam. "Jack, I can't do this. I can't leave them."
He looked as if he too were ready to burst into tears. Reaching down he pulled Jon from his legs and held him close. Finally, he reached over and set the boy down next to Solanna, who took his hand.
He leaned down and kissed Hannah and then gently took her from Sam's arms and handed her to her Aunt. With one last touch of each of the children, he took Sam's hand and turned to the wagon. Sam tried to pull away and run back but he held her tightly, knowing that this had to be done quickly, for all their sakes.
"Don't Sam – this will only make it worse. Come with me." he said to her with his silent voice. Crying, she followed him to the wagon.
Their last site of the children, as the wagon pulled away, was of them crying and reaching out desperately to the only parents they'd ever known