Seattle 2017 - June

I somehow manage to slip into the hospital and into the ICU without being noticed. Which, when you're the daughter of the head of neuro and you mother practically raised you in the hospital, is no small feat. I reach mom's private room and sigh in relief when I find it empty. Not that anyone would care that I was here, but I just want some alone time, without anyone knowing about it. That's why Will and I figured out the bus schedule and I jumped on it right after school.

As I reach her bedside, I realize I'm not sure what to say. I felt like there was a lot on my mind on the way over here, but now that I'm here, I'm at a loss. I feel like I never know what to say to her. Dad brings Hannah and I quite often, like every other day, so we can sit and talk to her. I usually just hang in the background, while Hannah talks her ear off. When Dad asks me if I want to talk to her or if I want time alone with her, I just shrug my shoulders and wander off for a while. I don't know why I've had such an issue talking to her, maybe because being here makes the whole thing real.

"Hi Mom," say, taking her hand. I pause for a moment, as if I expect a response. "Well, I guess I just get to talk…I had a meet yesterday, Pacific Northwest Regionals. And guess what Mom? I won, first overall and first on vault and beam. I know I wasn't sure if I was going to compete again, but…but Dad convinced me. Something about not letting fear win, so I did it. And it was so much fun. I just wish you could have been there. Dad was there and Hannah and George and Izzie and even Will. But, I missed you. I missed our pre-meet drinks and you braiding my hair, Beth's mom just doesn't do it the same.

We're…we're doing ok. School is good. They're talking about moving me up a grade again, but I'm not sure I want to. I took the bus here by myself today, I'm pretty sure Dad's gonna freak out, but…I needed to see you. Hannah is still playing piano she had a recital last weekend. Dad wants to teach me how to fly fish this summer, isn't that cool? Hannah has been sleeping in your bed. Dad sleeps in the guest room now, but he's doing better. He hasn't missed a school function or recital or meet or dinner yet. He's learning how to brush hair and wash clothes and cook. Man, he's a good cook…so much better than you," I tell her with a laugh.

"But, he misses you. I can tell. His eyes don't have the same sparkle they did when you guys were together. And I miss you too. And I'm sorry I haven't been here as much as I should, and I'm sorry that when I was here I didn't say much, but…I love you and please wake up so you can come home and we can be a family again."

Once I was done talking, I didn't know what else to do. I could feel the tears running down my cheeks, but I didn't care enough to wipe them. I'm sure Hannah and who ever is at the house right now are freaking out, and I'm guessing Dad is in surgery, because he's not here. I can tell by the pile of charts and coffee cups and half eaten lunch that he spends most of his time in here.

I look back at my mother and she just looks like she's sleeping, like she's been sleeping for two months. Because I'm not sure what else to do, I do what she did with me when I was in the hospital. I kick off my shoes, climb on the bed, and curl up next to her. Just the sound of her breathing and feeling the rise and fall of her chest under my head comforts me more than anything has these past two months.

I must have drifted off for quite sometime, I can see darkness flooding in from the window across the room. It takes me a minute to figure out why I woke up, right, fingers running through my hair. I breathe in, trying to memorize my mother's scent. I know I've been found out now, probably by Dad or Miranda, and it's going to be time to leave my resting place, but it was nice while it lasted.

I slowly push myself up, ready to face whoever is behind me, but I'm shocked to find the room empty. I look back down at my mom as I feel a hand run down my shoulder to my wrist.

"Mom?" I manage, lower lip trembling.

"Hi baby," she says, tears in her eyes.

"Mom!" I say again, before falling to her chest in tears. I feel her arms wrap around me, and a hand running through my hair as she just holds me and lets me cry.