The Young Conqueror

SD Omake Theatre 3 Part 2

Author's Note: My apologies to the anime Blue Seed and my fellow Cursed Fanboys for this opening…

Cue the cutesy rainbow arcing towards the reader, over which marches SD forms of the Sun family, along with their various commanders and generals

All: "Wumake! Wumake! Wumake! Wumake!"

Chibi Sun Quan: "Has anyone ever noticed that I'm usually the guy with the opening dialogue in these stupid things?"

Chibi Sun Shang Xiang: "Yeah, I have noticed that, actually. Out of the four Wumakes so far, you've opened three and Ce has opened one. It's not fair, if you ask me. I should get to open at least one! I've been more involved in this fic than Quan has by a country mile!"

Chibi Sun Ce: "Sis, he gets the Wumake openings because he isn't too involved yet. It's kinda like compensation."

Chibi Sun Quan: "Hey! I don't need anybody's charity!"

Chibi Ghost Sun Jian: "And why are we all chibis again? When we ended the last fic, weren't we all back to our normal selves?"

Cue Diao Chan, running through the fic, screaming in terror, chased by a Chibi Lu Bu.

Diao Chan: "KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU PSYCHO!!!!"

Chibi Lu Bu: "Get back here, wench! I need something to pillage! And it was nice and snug and warm between your boobs! Let me nest, damn you!"

Chibi Sun Ce: thumbing at Lu Bu "That's one of the reasons we started chibi, no doubt. As soon as we've got Bam-Bam contained, we can de-chibi and get on with the fic, just not while he's around."

Chibi Sun Shang Xiang: watching Diao Chan run off "Wow, sucks to be Diao Chan at the moment. But I've always wanted to do a lemon with her."

Shang Xiang looks expectantly at the author

Chibi Sun Shang Xiang: "C'mon, I know you wanna, you perv."

Chibi Sun Ce: "Some other time, sis, we've got a mystery to solve! Da is still missing and now so is Yunchang."

Chibi Zhou Yu: "Are you sure that referring to Guan Yu by his style name isn't going to confuse people, Ce?"

Chibi Sun Ce: "Hey, the author is giving his readers credit for being smart enough to remember. Besides, I'd say it's rather obvious who's missing, wouldn't you? Hard to misplace a seven-foot Chinese guy in green with a big-ass can-opener."

Xiao Qiao: screaming in delight "MUFFINS!!!"

Chibi Huang Gai: boing! "Food? Muffins? Where?"

Chibi Ghost Sun Jian: "Then, of course, there's the whole problem concerning Xiao and her increasingly strange behaviour, ne? I mean, even for her, she's been rather spastic and dumb recently."

Chibi Fu Chin Ran: "She's not still eating those two-thousand dumplings from her wedding, is she? Those'd be kinda rancid by now, but they'd account for her mental meltdown."

Chibi Zhou Yu: shaking his head "No, she finished those off in about three days after our wedding. Besides, I have yet to see anything that girl can't metabolize; she ate one of Huang Gai's clubs once, when she got really hungry."

Chibi Huang Gai: aghast "Is that what happened to my Great Rod?"

Chibi Gan Ning: "What's that? Xiao swallowed Huang Gai's great rod?"

Gan Ning nudges Huang Gai and winks

Chibi Gan Ning: "Hey, I'm totally impressed, old man! Didn't know ya had it in ya! So ya like'em young, huh? Ha! You old lecher!"

Chibi Huang Gai: horrified "What? No! I… that is… I never! I couldn't… my Great Rod is-"

Chibi Sun Shang Xiang: rolling eyes "Could we PLEASE stop talking about Huang Gai's ding-ding and get on with this travesty?"

Chibi Sun Ce: "Yeah, let's try to focus here… until we find Da's kidnapper and rescue her, we're never gonna get outta this fic… and I'm really eager to start the next story arc now…"

Chibi Ghost Sun Jian: indignant "Oh, so now that I'm out of the way the real story can move ahead, is that it?"

Chibi Sun Ce: "Face it, pop, this fic ain't about you, it's about me- y'know, the Young Conqueror. Besides, you still get to show up in these omakes, right?"

Chibi Ghost Sun Jian: scowling "Whoopee."

Chibi Sun Ce: gesturing "And look at all the fan mail you get! You've become a really popular character and lots of people got a teary-eyed and weepy when you kicked off. Dyin' was the best thing to ever happen to you, kinda Elvis or Kurt Cobain."

Chibi Sun Jian: blushing "Well, I guess I have become pretty popular…"

Chibi Gan Ning: "Alright, now that the dead guy's been pacified, can we get on with this turkey?"

Chibi Sun Ce: "Love to."

Chibi Gan Ning: "But I got a complaint first."

Chibi Sun Shang Xiang: "Oh, for… what is it now? Are you tattoos smearing or something?"

Chibi Gan Ning: "Nah, I wanna know why I was put in the brute squad! Why ain't I out searching for Ce's broad?"

Chibi Sun Ce: "Because we're searching stealthily for her and you wear those stupid bells all the time. You couldn't sneak up on a rock, pal."

Chib Gan Ning: "Yeah, well… I don't gotta wear 'em, y'know…"

Chibi Sun Ce: "Oh, really? Alright, Ink-boy, take 'em off. Right now."

Chibi Gan Ning: long pause "No…"

Chibi Sun Ce: goading "C'mon, you can do it, they're only bells, right? Besides, you're chibi right now and each bell is the size of your freaking head. They look like brass-coloured personal floatation devices for a kiddy-pool."

Chibi Sun Quan: "C'mon, Gan Ning… ditch the bells or get back with the other lugnuts already. If this intro goes on for too long there's going to have to be a Part Three to finish this omake."

Chibi Gan Ning: pissed off "Alright, alright! I'll stay with the morons! What a waste, just because I wear bells…"

Gan Ning heads back to the Brute Squad staging area, stripping off his belt and nuzzling the bells to his cheek tenderly

Chibi Gan Ning: "It's alright, guys… those meanies don't understand us, that's all… there, there… shhhhhhhhhhh… loo-loo-loo-loo-loo-loo…"

Chibi Sun Quan: "Could this omake get-"

Chibi Sun Ce: cutting Quan off "Don't say it, Quan, trust me. Do what you're best at and keep your trap shut, at least for now."

Quan goes to brood in a corner

Chibi Sun Ce: "Alright, now… is Lu Bu looking? Everyone, de-chibi!"

The Wu cast exits super deformed mode in a series of crimson flashes and gold whirlwinds

Sun Shang Xiang: "Well, there goes this chapter's special effects budget, totally wasted on our transformation scene. At least we're not required to use those goofy little Sailor Moon henshin sticks…"

Sun Ce: "Awww, but Zhang He looks so cute with his. Anyhoo, let's get this show on the road, shall we?"

The Wu cast members all assemble around Sun Ce and punch their fists into the air

Sun Ce: "Alright, time for the Wu cheer! On three! One… two..."

The cast is about to cheer when the lights for the fic sputter and fade in and out before going totally dark.

Sun Ce: "What the hell?"

Everybody turns and stares at Xiao, who had pulled a large plug out of the wall and is sucking the electricity out of it

Sun Shang Xiang: "That's it, I'm outta here. If anyone needs me, I'll be in my trailer, listening to Indigo Girls."

A Voice: "No! All of you! Stop where you are!"

Sun Ce: looking around "Huh? Who said that?"

The Voice: "I did. I, the one person in all the world who can help you stop Zim."

Sun Quan: "Who are you? What's your name?"

The Voice: emerging from the shadows "My name… is Dib. This is my sister Gaz."

Gaz: standing behind Dib, playing a hand-held video game "Hey."

Wu Cast Members: "…"

Dib: "There isn't much time. Zim will not wait to hatch his next plan to enslave or destroy the earth! We must-"

Sun Ce: walking over to Dib "What's the deal with your head, kid? Thing's huge."

Dib: screaming in frustration "LEAVE MY HEAD OUT OF THIS!!!"

And so, without further ado…

The Young Conqueror SD Omake Theatre 3 – Part 2

The Dynasty Warriors vs Invader Zim

(Or 'How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Tacos')

Da Qiao sighed as she wandered around the lab, examining the strange alien equipment. It had taken several hours to convince Guan Yu to let her down from her inverted position on the wall. Her first plea had simply been that she needed to pee, a request that feel on deaf ears. She threatened to actively pee herself, hoping his innate sense of decency might take over.

Guan Yu's response was to train all the security cameras on her and hook them up to Russian fetish websites with a 24-hour Free Access period.

"Evil bastard, aren't you?" Da Qiao muttered.

But finally, even the jolly green giant needed to sleep and she convinced Xiao to let her down from the wall- which wouldn't have been so bad if the little twit hadn't released the clasps all at once and dropped her older sister on her head.

"Ow… couldn't you have come and let me down earlier, Xiao?" Da asked, rubbing her skull.

The younger sister shrugged. "To be honest, I thought it was just some sort of kinky game, sis. Let's face it, you are a bit of a freak, after all."

Da looked at her sister with one eyebrow raised. "Me, a freak… with Guan Yu."

Xiao shrugged again. "Meh, I've learned not to judge."

"I'm not doing anything with Guan Yu, you idiot." Da hissed, gritting her teeth. She turned to glare at Guan Yu, who had fallen asleep in a chair, snoring loudly. She stomped over to him and grabbed a random piece of machinery, smashing it against his head.

Guan Yu mumbled and turned onto his side, seemingly unfazed by her brutal assault on his structural integrity.

She glowered at him and moved around to the other side, where the mighty halberd Green Dragon was propped against the chair's armrest. She attempted to lift it, hoping to swing the weapon around and decapitate him, but she could barely even budge it.

She paused to catch her breath. "What… the hell… is this thing made of?"

She looked over at Xiao, who was quickly leafing through a Cliff Notes version of 'Three Kingdoms'.

"Lessee here… Chapter One… yeah, the Green Dragon, also known as 'Frozen Glory'… oh jeez, it weighs almost a hundred pounds, sis. That means it's heavier than either you or I. Who can lift it? Probably only Lu Bu, Zhang Fei or Rip van Winkle here. There's no way even the two of us are lifting it."

Da sighed despondently and crossed her arms, wondering what to do.

"I suppose I could just tip it over on his head, but that'd only wake him up, and he's already in a bad mood. I guess I'll let sleeping Green Dragons lie and try to get us out of here."

"But won't Zim be upset and hurt if we leave without telling him?" Xiao asked.

Da took a deep breath and calmed herself. She took Xiao by the shoulders and held her as firmly as she could without throttling her.

"Xiao… sister… sweetheart… Zim is… not our friend. He never was. He's a little green alien monster who's trying to use you and I to coerce the Dynasty Warriors 5 cast into conquering the earth for him."

Xiao made a wry face, obviously not believing her sister, a dilemma she was not used to.

"But… he's so nice and harmless," she protested. "He's been nothing but flowers and sunshine to me."

"Xiao, you thought that Dong Zhuo was Santa Claus last year when the jerk attempted to infiltrate our castle and assassinate Lord Sun Jian by sitting on him."

"But… he looked so much like Santa." Xiao whined. "How was I to know?"

"Here's a clue…" Da growled, losing patience. "If he kicks you in the stomach, it's probably… not… Santa!"

Xiao deflated somewhat and gave her sister the puppydog eyes treatment. "I know you're probably right, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. So we need to escape from here, huh?"

Da nodded and patted Xiao on the head. "We do. I'm sure the boys are worried about us by now. Ce must be getting frantic, we were supposed to play Zipper Ninja yesterday."

Xiao just shook her head and muttered "Freak" under her breath.

"I suppose we'd better wake up Sleeping Beauty here, too." Da said, pointing to the enormous slumbering form of Guan Yu. "But how? We can't seem to do enough damage to even get his attention."

Xiao thought for a moment and stared down at the green-garbed warrior. Soon, however, she grew bored with applied thinking and took out a marker to begin doodling on his face. She couldn't really draw a beard, moustache or bushy eyebrows on him, since he already had all three in profusion. Eventually she simply pressed a piece of paper over his face and used a piece of charcoal to make a rub. Da watched in increasing bewilderment.

"What in the name of Koei are you doing?" she asked.

"Just something to remember the big lug by." Xiao said cheerfully, continuing to rub the charcoal stick over the rather uneven surface of Guan Yu's face. "Face it, sis, he's actually a pretty nice guy. I mean, how bad can he be if Lord Sun Ce likes him?"

"He manacled me upside down to a wall, you twinkie, remember?" Da replied, scowling.

"Oh, you had that coming." Xiao pointed out. "You've been so crabby since this Wumake began. We all know what you get like when you're not getting a regular amount of… well, you know…"

Da went crimson with embarrassment. "Xiao! Ot-nay in ont-fray of the eaders-ray!"

Xiao looked at her sister in confusion. "What did you say? Were you just speaking in tongues, sis? When did you become a Pentecostal?"

"GAHHHHHHHHH!" Da screamed, feeling her brain pulse inside her head as it tried to protect itself from Xiao's stupidity. Her hand lashed out and grabbed the paper rub out of her sister's hand, but Xiao resisted and they grappled and wrestled for the thin scrap. Eventually, they both lost their grip and the paper floated gracefully out of their hands and down…

Grazing the back of Guan Yu's hand and giving him a tiny paper cut.

"OW OW OW OW OW OW!!!!!!!" the giant howled as he sprung to his feet, dancing about in a circle and holding the back of his hand. "PAPER CUT!!!!"

"What… the… hell?" Da asked quietly, watching the scene.

Guan Yu finally noticed that he had an audience and froze, his hand still clamped down over the devastating wound. He swallowed and then composed himself. He stood tall, towering over the two girls. He glowered down at them and then the piece of paper on the floor. Obviously he was awaiting an explanation.

"Ummmm… you did it." Da said somewhat awkwardly.

Xiao rolled her eyes.

Guan Yu sighed and began looking around. "We need to find a way out of this place," he rumbled. "Lord Liu Bei has need of me."

"Ahem!" Da Qiao coughed, obviously annoyed at the Shu warrior's exclusionary tone. "And what about Xiao and I?"

Guan Yu looked down at her for a moment. "Oh, are you going to be missing a kegger or something back at the frat house? Wouldn't want you to miss out on an opportunity to collect more beads by flashing your goodies, would we?"

Da glared at him. "You know, you're a lot more respectful of women in the regular series and the original novel."

"You've become a regular harpy yourself in these omakes, lady." Guan Yu pointed out. "Even Zhen Ji is nicer than you are."

"That's because she's usually drunk so she can deal with Cao Cao trying to grope her all the time!" Da Qiao roared. "I wish I were drunk right now."

"Hey, isn't Gan Ning supposed to be holding a kegger tonight, sis?" Xiao mentioned.

"Augh! I have to get out of here!" Da wailed, clasping her hands to her face.

"I'm afraid you will find that impossible, little Dynasty Warrior…" said an irritatingly familiar voice from another corner of the room. The three of them looked over and spied Zim leaning against a wall, looking arrogantly at them.

"You there!" Guan Yu boomed, hefting the Green Dragon and striding forward, pointing the massive halberd at the tiny alien. "Release us from this place at once!"

Zim merely grinned evilly and winked. "Oh, my Tallest! This is such a fine ruse you are putting on… but I really do not see the point. I saw through your disguise moments after you got here and these girl-meat-beings are simply not worth the effort."

"I AM NOT YOUR TALLEST, YOU STUPID LITTLE BOOGER!!!" Guan Yu roared in fury. The mighty warrior began to glow with musou rage and Da Qiao grabbed Xiao and dove behind a large computer bank.

Guan Yu whirled around and unleashed a devastating barrage of sheer destructive force toward the door of the turbo lift. Unfortunately, even one of the most powerful warriors of the ancient world was no match for Irken technology and the door's force fields held.

Worse, the electromagnetic shield merely bounced Guan Yu's attack around the room, annihilating everything it touched.

"GAHHHH!" screamed Zim as he dove for cover. Guan Yu merely stood there, watching in disbelief as his musou assault ricocheted about the lab.

"Now that's a crowd-clearing attack," he mused. "I'll have to remember how to do that on the battlefield."

"Xiao!" Da hissed from behind the computer bank that protected them. "That gives me an idea!"

"Does it involve cookies?" Xiao asked.

Da scowled at her. "No… why would it involve cookies?"

Xiao pouted. "I dunno, I'm just kinda hungry."

"You're an idiot." Da exclaimed.

"Yes, yes, we know that already," Xiao said testily, her blood-sugar obviously low. "I'm dumber than anyone except Xu Zhu, right? What's your plan already?"

Just at that moment, Guan Yu's energy attack obliterated the computer bank they were hiding behind, leaving both sisters exposed. Da Qiao blinked for moment and then screamed "RUN!!!"

"This? This is your plan?" Xiao groused as they sped about the room like chipmunks on crack. Da Qiao was obviously completely panicking. The omake had finally gotten to her.

Guan Yu was still pondering the massive destruction his attack was doing. Zim, on the other hand, had fallen to his knees and was crying out in terror.

"EEEYAAAAH!!! NO!!! MY BEAUTIFUL BASE!!!!"

Guan Yu took note of the little green thing's despair and unleashed another blast, doubling the mayhem.

Then Xiao, of all people, had an idea.

"Sis!" she called out. "Guan Yu is right! Maybe we can blast our way out of here!"

Xiao swept out her fans and concentrated as she ran, building up the power inside her body. Brimming with energy, she twirled about gracefully and with a sweep of her deadly twin fans…

Released a cute ring of smoke.

She stopped dead in her tracks and scowled at the weapons. She whirled about again and this time was rewarded with a sizzling sound, as well as a small puff of smoke.

"I AM NOT SON OF GODZILLA!!!" she shouted angrily. "Da! Step on my tail, please!"

"You don't have a tail, you moron!" Da shouted back, having regained her composure and now following her sister's example. Unlike Xiao, however, Da had known how to throw musou fireballs from her fans since Chapter 11. She twirled about with balletic grace and poise before unleashing a great swathe of fiery energy, which joined Guan Yu's attack in rebounding around the room, glancing off the Irken force fields and destroying Zim's lab.

"GAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" wailed the tiny alien. "YOU MONSTERS!!!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!!?"

Da was actually beginning to enjoy herself. She pirouetted and unleashed another fireball, giggling at the ease with which she did so. She was about to send forth another when she suddenly was struck by something. She felt all her limbs contracting and her brain filling with silly thoughts.

In horror she looked over at Zim, who had scampered behind some weird console and was firing wildly with some sort of ray gun. The beam it shot was pink and sparkly.

"No! A chibi-gun! He's reverting us to our harmless SD modes! Limbs… growing… smaller… brain…overpowered by… cute and… fuzzy thoughts… must… fight… the… evil… chibi…"

But it was no use. Zim's gun had nailed her fair and square. She plopped to the ground, landing on her butt. She looked around in chibi-confusion and then glared at Zim.

"Thanks a lot, jerk-wand!" she squeaked. "Not only don't I have boobs or any other erogenous zone, I won't be able to get into the damn kegger tonight! I didn't bring any ID with me and I look like I'm six years old!"

"MWAH-HAH-HAH!!!" Zim cackled, as he continued to unleash a chibi-beam barrage around the room. "YOU FILTHY HUMANS ARE NO MATCH FOR ME!!! FEEL MY PINK, SPARKLY WRATH!!!"

Da Qiao sulked on the floor until Zim had finally had his fill of trigger-happy insanity. He let out a sigh of deep satisfaction and strolled out from behind his beam-cannon. He smirked at Da Qiao.

"So, stink-girl…" he said haughtily, standing over her. "You see now the futility of trying to escape. You might as well just surrender to my genius and await the inevitable, human."

"You sound like Wile E. Coyote." Da Qiao groused, still vexed about being trounced by this little green bug-man. "Don't you have a plan to unleash?"

"Why yes, yes I do." Zim said. "I shall leave you here, where you can do no further harm. You might as well begin cleaning up the mess you made, it will give you something to do. It will also provide you with valuable training for you future career as a scrub for the Irken military."

With that final snub, Zim turned and exited from the remains of the lab.

Da Qiao sighed and stood up, toddling over to SD Guan Yu. He was sitting on the floor, cross-legged and glowering at the far wall.

"Guan Yu, we have to-"

"I am NOT speaking to you…" the Shu warrior growled.

Da Qiao looked around despondently when something occurred to her.

"Hey… where's Xiao?"

Guan Yu grunted but didn't look around or otherwise respond.

"No, I'm serious, I don't see her." Da said, scanning the room for her younger, dopier sister. She began to search the places she had last seen Xiao. If she had become frightened, she might have ducked behind a piece of machinery.

Nothing.

Da then searched the fridges and food storage units, to see if Xiao had maybe become hungry.

No sign of her.

"Guan Yu, my sister is missing!" Da finally shouted at his back.

"We're all missing, may I point out," Guan Yu shot back.

"This omake won't end if one of us goes unfound, you insensitive lout!" she bellowed. "Get off your behind and help me find my sister!"

"Alright, alright!" Guan Yu grumbled, finally rising. He was about to pick up Green Dragon when he noticed that it remained unchanged. It had not been chibi'd along with him. It was now about four times larger than he was.

"Stupid artificial chibi beams…" he muttered to himself. He then began searching for Xiao.

They searched every corner of the trashed lab thoroughly but could not find her. Da Qiao scratched her head in bewilderment.

"I don't understand…" she murmured. "Why can't we find any trace of her?"

"I think I may know." Guan Yu rumbled, standing on the other side of the lab. Da hurried over to his position and he gestured to a spot in front of himself.

There was a faint pink aura and a cute little scorch mark on the floor.

"What… what does that mean?" Da asked, not sure she was ready for the answer.

"You sister is so impossibly cute and bubbly to begin with that she never needs to be chibi, right?" Guan Yu asked.

Da nodded.

"Well, if a chibi beam had hit her…"

Da Qiao gasped, her hands clapping to her mouth in shock.

"No! Xiao plus a chibi beam! There was too much cuteness in one location! She became a chibi singularity and collapsed in cutely on herself!"

Guan Yu nodded grimly.

Da fell to her knees, her eyes wet with cute tears. With Xiao gone, sucked into a cosmic pink hole of cuteness, how was anyone supposed to know she was the smart one?

"CURSE YOU, ZIM!!!" she screamed, looking at the ceiling. "I WILL GET YOU FOR THIS!!!"

"That would be a lot more effective if you weren't surrounded by rainbow sparkles when you did it." Guan Yu commented.

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The Dynasty Warriors cast (minus Da Qiao and Guan Yu) were gathered in a large circle, staring down at the frenetic kid with the big head. He stared back at them, not sure what to think of this situation.

Sun Ce finally spoke. "So… you can help us find Da?" he asked.

"Yes," the big-headed kid said. "I, Dib, Zim's nemesis, am the only person capable of aiding you."

"What's a Zim?" Sun Shang Xiang asked. She had no clue what the boulder-headed kid was talking about.

"Zim?" Dib exclaimed. "You don't know who Zim is?"

Zhou Yu shrugged. "No, should we?"

"He's the one who has taken your girl and is holder her hostage." Dib explained. His eyes flashed as he considered Zim's machinations.

"We know that much now, but who the heck is he?" Liu Bei asked, wondering where Yunchang was.

"Zim is an alien," Dib continued. "He is a storm-trooper for same terrible race called the 'Irkens'. They're out to conquer the galaxy and enslave humanity."

"Why's that our problem?" Cao Cao asked, annoyed. "We're video game characters, not actual humans."

"There are two problems with that statement, Cao Cao." Zhuge Liang interjected, nodding sagely. "First, if the Irkens enslave the world, there is a good chance children will be enslaved and never allowed to play video games again."

Cao Cao went pale. "You… you mean… no one would play with me?" he stammered in disbelief.

"Duh, I'll play with you, Lord Cao Cao." Xu Zhu offered helpfully.

Zhuge Liang ignored the fat kid. "Second of all, and far more troubling… it simply would not do for something other than video games to enslave the world's minds now, would it?"

This struck a chord with everyone present. It touched the very core of the being and indeed their entire raison d'etre. Video games were the natural masters of the human mind and condition. Not aliens.

"Alright, then," Ce said, cracking his knuckles. We've gotta save Da and then save humanity so we can enslave it! What do we do, Dib?"

Dib paused for several seconds. "I… don't… know…"

"Ugh, you're such a loser, Dib," his sister Gaz said in disgust. "We need to wrap this up so that you and I can go with dad to Bloaty's Pizza Hog tonight."

"Me… love… Bloaty's!" Wei Yan rumbled from where he stood.

"You… love… eat glue…" Zhuge Liang said, sneering at Wei Yan and tapping the side of his head. "You… not so good… up here."

Wei Yan's lower lip trembled and he looked at Liu Bei, his eyes glistening with hurt. Liu Bei rolled his eyes and threw the berserker another cookie.

"Ahem…" Gaz said, wanting to get on with things. "We know where Zim's lair is. It's an underground alien fortress full of unbelievable technology."

"So we need to get in while he's not there and get the girls out." Zhou Yu said.

"No." Gaz replied.

"No?"

"No."

"Why?"

"Because."

Zhou Yu looked at Dib. "Care to elucidate?"

Dib nodded. "Both Gaz and I have been in Zim's lair. Once you're in, escape is impossible, unless Zim is there as well."

The Dynasty Warriors frowned. "Why?"

"Because Irken technology is impossible for us humans to challenge." Dib said. "The only way to get out is to trick Zim into telling you how to get out. Gaz once asked him where the escape pods were and he just told her. So we escaped."

"So this Zim is an idiot," Ce mused, nodding to himself. "His ransom note kinda gave that away."

Dib nodded. "Zim is treacherous and evil, but he's not too smart."

"What does he look like, so we can recognize him?" Sima Yi asked.

Dib nodded and began drawing a picture on the screen of his laptop. A few button clicks later, a life-size image of Zim was printing out from the back of the tiny computer (hey, it's a cartoon, suspend some disbelief already!)

Dib then presented the image to the Dynasty Warriors cast.

Not even Zhuge Liang or Zhou Tai could keep from laughing hysterically.

"What? What?" Dib asked, confused. "That's what he really looks like."

Sun Ce was still laughing but came over and patted Dib on the shoulder. "We know, we know… but… but… THAT'S Zim? Oh, man, Da's gonna eat him for breakfast! We might as well just wait around another few hours and she'll show up on her own."

"You don't understand!" Dib protested. "Zim may be a moron, but he's backed by an arsenal of Irken technology! If he's already got your Da Qiao in his base, she won't be able to escape!"

Ce shrugged. "You said it yourself, Dib, all she has to do is ask Zim and he'll probably let her out. Right, Zhou Yu?"

Zhou Yu was pensive and rather silent.

Ce elbowed him. "Right ol' buddy?"

"Ce, there may be a complication here…" Zhou Yu said in a soft voice. "I'd normally agree with you, but this is a Wumake."

"Yeah, so?" Ce replied.

"We all had the chance to de-chibi, but if your wife started off this fic in chibi form…"

"She wouldn't have the common sense to escape." Ce said, aghast. "Xiao's gonna be the smart one until we get her back!"

"Exactly." Zhou Yu said gravely. The two of them looked over at Xiao, who was humming a silly tune to herself and spinning on her side, oblivious to what was going on around her.

"Ummmm… that's not Xiao Qiao." Dib pointed out.

"What?" Zhou Yu said in confusion. "Of course it is."

"No it's not. Watch." Dib said. He then held up a small bag of Crazy Tacos.

"Gir! I've got tacos!"

The disputed being squealed in delight and literally vaulted through the air, shedding its disguise and landing in front of Dib; the tiny, gleaming servitor snatched the bag from Dib's hand and began munching happily.

"I love the little tacos. I love them gooooood." Gir squeaked happily.

Everyone merely stared at Zhou Yu, who was unusually pale. He swallowed and then looked back at them.

"Hey, it's not like any of you noticed either."

"But… didn't you… notice… when you two, you know… went to bed?" Ce asked, afraid of the answer.

Zhou Yu was about to respond when Gir leapt up and hugged his neck tightly. The loopy cyborg gave him a loud, metallic kiss.

"I'm'a go pick out drapes!" he said cheerfully before disappearing.

Everyone stared at Zhou Yu in a mixture of shock and disgust.

"Is there no end to your sick debauchery, man?" Sima Yi spat.

"I'm not the one wearing a dress, thank you." Zhou Yu shot back. "And if you must know, I have not slept with the robot since this omake started."

"Can we pick on Zhou Yu's proclivities in another omake?" Ce asked, wearying of this line of fanfiction. "We've still gotta find my normal wife-"

"That's not what I hear," Zhen Ji said snidely. "I hear you and she like to-"

Cao Pi saved everyone the gory details by handing Zhen Ji a Bud Light. Her eyes lit up and she began guzzling. Suddenly, another day with the Cao family seemed a little more manageable.

Now if only she could get that hunky Ma Chao to join Wei…

Dib cleared his throat and continued. "Anyways, we can take you to Zim's lair, but if he's not there you're not going to get out."

"Well, it's a start," Ce said, not seeing much else in the way of options. "A few of us will head to Zim's pad while the rest of you split up and see if you can find him."

He was about to dismiss everyone when a final thought occurred to him.

"And while you're at it, make sure everyone is still enslaved to video games. If you see someone who ain't…" he now looked at the Brute Squad. "Feel free to knock their house down until they learn their lesson!"

"RIGHT!" the Brute Squad chorused, happy to finally have something to do. The cast split up and went about their various assignments.

Everyone except Zhen Ji, that is, who merely sat in the middle of the fic and knocked back her bottle, thanking the video games gods for Ratings Warnings about alcohol usage…

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Zhang Fei bellowed loudly and spun his Viper Spear overhead before thumping the butt against the earth, sending out massive shockwaves that sent his foes flying. A lithe man clad in black leapt high in the air and descended towards him, blades gleaming wickedly in his hands.

With a great shout, Zhang Fei swung his spear in a wide arc and slamming it into his opponent. The smaller man was sent sailing into the distance, probably dead before he had even gone ten feet.

"Four!" he shouted in his deep, gravelly voice.

"Ooooh, nice," Meng Huo said, shading his eyes to watch the victim disappear into the sunset. "He won't be back until this game is re-released. What game is this, outta curiosity?"

"How the hell would I know?" Zhang Fei grunted, turning to grin at another knot of enemy troops, who suddenly looked very worried. "I just followed Sun Ce's orders and began tearing up other video games, looking for Lady Da Qiao."

"How is this looking for Da Qiao?" Meng Huo asked, slipping on his battle gauntlets and identifying his own targets.

"Who cares, this is fun!" Zhang Fei laughed. "If this Wumake doesn't end, I can just stay here and beat the snot outta these guys forever!"

Meng Huo nodded. "Yeah, that's true. But if we don't get her back, Sun Ce'll have to pick another wife eventually… unless I'm mistaken, I think the only unmarried gal in our game is your daughter, Xing Cai, right?"

Zhang Fei just stopped, as if someone had hit his pause button. Scores of enemy troops rushed in and began attacking him, but to no avail. Their blows simply did not faze or harm him in any way.

Suddenly Zhang Fei gave out an earth-shaking cry of alarm and dashed through his attackers, rampaging his way toward the side of the fic. His eyes were wild with paternal desperation.

"HANG ON, SWEETIE! DADDY'S COMING!" he roared.

Meng Huo grinned evilly to himself and rotated his wrists as he turned to face the ever-growing hordes of foes.

"Well, that was easy. Now… bring it on, ladies, you're all mine!"

The mini-boss he was squaring off against scowled. "You look like some kind of giant mutant mole, you know that?"

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Zhou Yu and Sima Yi sat and waited sullenly on the row of gleaming white steps. This was not exactly how they had featured spending the rest of the fic.

"I don't understand," Sima Yi said finally. "Why is Zhuge Liang in the Capitol debating with Congress and the Senate?"

Zhou Yu just shrugged. "I don't know, it started out being about Net Neutrality and then it kind of morphed into a showdown about ideals and virtues where they started impugning one another. Want to watch the Podcast?"

Zhou Yu pulled his iPod out and they sat and observed the proceedings. Sima Yi scowled and wrinkled his nose in disgust.

"What are they arguing about? Why is Zhuge Liang criticizing the Administration's policy? His own methods are virtually identical. He believes in a virtuous, homogenous state with strong religious principals, he believes in pre-emptive war and Liu Bei is a complete idiot as well. The parallels are endless."

"Perhaps, but Zhuge Liang is actually competent, something nobody can claim in the opposing camp." Zhou Yu pointed out. "We could always give these guys Zhuge Liang, maybe one of their plans or ideas wouldn't be stupid for a change. Then we could give Karl Rove to Liu Bei and that would knock Shu out of the war almost instantly."

All around them, alarms started going off, with scores of secret service agents scurrying into the capitol. Seconds later, Zhuge Liang came sprinting out of the building and up to his fellow grand strategists.

"Alright, for future record, guys…" he said, panting. "Never criticize the Vice President, it makes the President cry. And NEVER fire up a joint in Congress, trust me on this."

No sooner had he finished making the point than scores of angry congressmen and senators came pouring through the doors of the Capitol, carrying torches, pitchforks and already burning effigies of Zhuge Liang.

"Does anybody like you?" Sima Yi asked, scowling at his rival. "Does this have anything to do with finding Da Qiao?"

"Must run faster!" Zhuge Liang responded. However, the three strategists found themselves at a distinct disadvantage, since they were all wearing long, ornate and heavy robes, whereas their pursuers were merely wearing suits.

"Ummmm… hey, look, two gay guys trying to get married!" Zhou Yu shouted, pointing off their right.

Half of the politicians immediately howled in moral outrage and sped off to where he was pointing.

"Oh my god, it's Ann Coulter calling someone a homo!" Sima Yi shouted, pointing to the left. The other half of the Congress sped off in the direction indicated.

Zhuge Liang pulled a can of oil from inside his voluminous robes and dashed it against the ground, spilling the glistening contents all over the sidewalk. In a flash, a small, Gollum-like creature with a button that read '43' was hunkered over the oil slick, greedily gathering it into his palms as the strategists made good on their desperate escape.

"Musssst have it…" the little moronic creature hissed as it glanced around furtively, trying to keep the oil from running through it fingers. "Musssst have the Precioussssssss…"

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"Well, there it is." Dib said, pointy to the strangely cutesy little house that sat between two larger domiciles. "Zim's lair. Isn't that the most stupidly obvious thing you've ever seen?"

"Yeah, I get a kick outta the 'I Love Earth' sign on the lawn, I admit." Sun Ce replied, smirking. He waited patiently while the rest of the Wu crew joined him on the street. The last one to arrive was Zhou Yu and he seemed really out of breath, his normally pale face crimson with the effort of extended flight.

"Do I even wanna know?" Ce asked, his eyebrow raised.

"If you think Zhuge Liang is a pain in the ass now…" Zhou Yu panted, leaning on his friend's shoulder. "Just wait 'til you see what he's really capable of. There is no one that man cannot manage to offend or outrage."

Ce nodded. "Well, don't worry about that right now, we're finally here an' it's time to end this."

"Do we wait for the rest of the cast?" Sun Shang Xiang asked.

Ce shook his head. "No, I'd rather get this done before Cao Cao shows up and tries to steal any of this Zim's technology."

"So why'd you invite them into the fic at all, brother?" Quan queried, frowning.

"They'll make a great distraction, y'gotta admit." Ce answered. "They'll keep this Zim or anyone else busy while we're trying to free Da."

"But the kid with the big head said we wouldn't get out without Zim." Sun Jian pointed out. "And if we don't escape, the stupid fic never ends."

"So we get stuck for a little bit. Zim'll show up sooner or later." Ce replied casually. "Besides, just because I don't want Cao Cao or Zhuge Hippie to see this alien tech doesn't mean I don't want us having access to it."

"Greedy thing, aren't you?" Sun Shang Xiang scoffed.

"Hey, he may have access to unlimited internet lesbian porn." Ce said slyly, giving his sister pause.

"You really think so?" Shang Xiang mused. Fu Chin Ran thumped her on the shoulder and scowled at her.

"A'ight, let's do this already!" Ce said. "Huang Gai, go knock politely for us."

The huge, grizzled veteran warrior strode up to the front of the house and planted a fuse bomb at the foot of the door. He then turned and sped out to where the others were standing. Seconds later a flash and a blast blew in the door. The Dynast Warriors covered themselves until the smoke cleared and the debris was finished flying. Car alarms began sounding and strangely-shaped neighbours began poking their heads out to see what was amiss. The sight of several oddly-garbed Chinese legends seemed to not phase them in the slightest, so they just shrugged and went back into their distressingly bleak abodes.

Ce stood and waved for the others to follow him. He entered the yard seemingly without fear and proceeded into the house. He had just passed over the threshold when Dib stepped in front of him dramatically.

"Wait one second," he said, fumbling about in his schoolbag. He hauled something out and strapped whatever it was to his head.

"I ordered these from 'Young Conspiracy Nut Magazine'!" he said, displaying his new enormous goggles to his comrades. "With these I'll be able to see through Zim's defenses and analyze whatever technology he can throw at us!"

"I thought you said This Irken technology was superior to ours." Gan Ning pointed out, scowling.

"Er… it is." Dib admitted.

"Wow, even Sony's technology?" Sun Shang Xiang asked. "Maybe we should upgrade to an Irken game system, then."

Sun Ce just rolled his eyes. "Let the kid with the big skull do what he likes, we've gotta save Da, okay?"

No sooner had Zhou Tai (who was brining up the rear) passed through the door than several red lights began to strobe and alarms blared. The door slammed shut and bolted itself tight. The windows all disappeared and suddenly scores of weasels with lasers implanted in their foreheads came scampering out of trap doors, discharging beams of colourful death at the intruders.

"Laser weasels!" shrieked Shang Xiang as she dodged a beam that sheared the corner off a couch. "Who the hell invents a laser weasel?!"

"Just don't ask about his experiments with cows!" Dib called, hiding behind a toilet in the corner of the kitchen. "All of you! His underground is this way!"

"Oh, I am NOT getting flushed down a toilet!" Zhou Yu hissed, clutching his flowing silken locks defensively. "I'll just find a spoon and dig my way-"

Zhou Yu did not finish the sentence before Huang Gai had grabbed him and pitched him through the air toward the toilet. Dib stepped on the level and Zhou Yu disappeared with a nauseating 'galook!'

"Well, that's prissy boy out of the way…" Ce called out. "Move it, this fic's over 90k already!"

One by one, with varying degrees of reluctance, the warriors rushed toward the toilet and threw themselves down the hole. Ce held his ground and swatted away the encroaching laser weasels until he was the only one left. He took a deep breath and vaulted backwards into the unknown…

He landed wetly inside a large room that glowed and hummed with devices and technology he'd never even dreamed of. He stood and looked around before giving out a cry of exasperation.

"Aw, fer… can't you guys do anything right?!" he demanded, looking at his invading crew, who were now all suspended inside nets and hanging form the ceiling. Huang Gai pouted, obviously heartbroken that Sun Ce was disappointed in him.

"Does anyone want to explain what happened?" he asked, looking up at them.

"Maybe you have other matters to attend to…" a small voice said from a corner of the room. Ce spun around and rushed toward Da Qiao, sweeping her up in his arms and hugging her tight.

"Oh, babydoll!" he said in relief. "I'm so sorry!"

"Oof!" Da grunted as he crushed her tiny frame to his. "Thanks, but I-"

"No no, it's alright," Ce said soothingly, stroking her back. "It's okay, don't try to think, Da."

"What?" she said, her eyes widening. "What did you just say?"

"There there, I'm here now," Ce continued, ignoring her. "Don't worry about anything, we'll get you out of here, I promise."

"Ce, I'm chibi, I'm not retarded." Da said, her cheeks colouring with fury.

"I'm sure this was just awful for you, being stuck in a strange place and not being able to form a coherent thought." Ce said consolingly and stroking her hair. "But don't you worry, we'll be outta here and then we'll get you back to your OWWWWWWWW!!!!!! SHE BIT ME!!!!"

Da Qiao leapt out of Ce's arms and glared up at him from below, her teeny, fingerless mitten-hands on her hips.

"Damn right I did, you patronizing bastard!" she growled. "Do it again and I'll bit your ankle off!"

Sun Ce rubbed his ear, grimacing. "Damn, is Mike Tyson stuck here too? Where are Xiao and Yunchang?"

Da went suddenly silent, looking forlorn. Guan Yu toddled out of a corner, trying to look grim.

"Lady Xiao is… she was… well, we don't know, really. She got hit by a sparkly chibi beam and then she was gone." To emphasize his point, he gestured to her last known position, where a bright pink scorch mark remained on the floor. Several of the Wu warriors gasped in horror.

"This is awful," Lu Meng said. "Now Lady Da is the cute one."

"Watch it, buster," Da warned, glaring up at him. "I can see your man- jewels through that net and there's plenty of debris for me to throw down here…"

Lu Meng gulped and tried to shift his groin in a different direction.

"And if you must know, I haven't been chibi this whole time," Da pointed out. "Zim hit us with a chibi beam just a few hours ago. Until that happened, we were doing a great job of destroying his lab."

"Oh, is that what had happened," Quan said, looking around. "I thought maybe Xiao had been trying to cook again."

Shang Xiang thwapped her brother across the shoulder for being an insensitive jerk while Da Qiao began to bawl loudly, ridiculously large tears geysering out from her eyes.

"Ummm, okay, this is not good." Ce said, watching as the water level began to rise with comedic quickness. "We don't have to worry about dying at the hands of advanced alien technology because we're gonna drown."

Seconds later, Da Qiao flood of tears seeped into the various conduits and cables lying around on the floor, causing a shower of sparks and causing the lights to fizzle out.

"In the dark…" Ce added dryly.

"Now would've been a good time for Pang Tong and one of his goofy Harry Potter spells." Zhou Tai commented. "Especially since Gang Ning seems to be afraid of the dark and won't let go of me."

"Hey, shut up!" sputtered the pirate. "Everybody's got a hang-up, don't they?! At least I'm not afraid of Fraggles!"

Sun Quan screamed and began thrashing around inside the net.

"Urkg! Thanks, Gan Ning, now Quan's boot is in my spleen!" Lu Meng groused. You know not to say the F word when he's around!"

Ce just pinched his eyes. "Wonderful. I guess it's up to me to get us outta here."

"I am afraid you with find that impossible, pathetic earth-human-stink…" announced a menacing voice from somewhere in the room. They all watched as Zim strode out of a corner, his red eyes glinting in the dark. "You will all stay here until my experiments have rendered you into so much goo."

"Look, pal, I don't know what Irken boys and girls do for fun, but you are sure gettin' in the way of how I like to pass my time!" Ce said, advancing on his diminutive foe. "I want my wife back and you're gotta-"

Ce dodged suddenly as a sparkling pink beam shot directly at his head. He hated it when chibi beams hit him head-first because he could feel his head shrinking and it pinched his neck something fierce.

"Hey, watch it with that thing!" he shouted angrily. "You already messed up three of us and we can't even find one of 'em."

"That's right!" Zhou Yu hollered from above, thrashing his way into position inside the net to get a shot at Zim. "Tell me what happened to Xiao or I'll fry you like a grub in a charcoal pit!"

Even as his body began to glow with ferocious qi and he prepared to throw a fireball, Zim seemed unconcerned, content to suck away on his cup of Poop Soda. He carelessly pointed the chibi pistol at the huge net and pulled the trigger, striking the suspended warriors as a group.

"No! Zhou Yu, you're chibi! Don't try to throw a-"

KA-THOOOOMMMMMMP!!!!!

"Fireball…" Shang Xiang finished, scowling at the strategist. They were all charred black and smoking since Zhou Yu had, in his mindless chibi rage, detonated the fireball inside the net.

Zim turned his attention back to Ce, who was the only one remaining free and un-chibi. He pointed the chibi-gun at his foe, along with several more firearms of alien design that unfolded out of his hemispherical backpack.

"You cannot win, meat-human." Zim declared. "You may as well surrender and serve me, for as you can see…"

Zim now pushed a button and a huge panel on the wall moved aside, revealing that all the rest of the Dynasty Warriors 5 cast had been captured, chibi'd and chained up, posing no threat to their captor.

Ce made a wry face. "Okay, I see you've got our whole cast, but why do you also have Super Mario and Sonic the Hedgehog chained up?"

"Oh, they're just annoying and I'm going to obliterate them," Zim replied casually. "Bujt back to the matter at hand… only you are left and you have no allies."

Zim paused as Gaz walked by unconcernedly, focuased totally on the video game she held in her hand.

"Yeah? What about her?" Ce sneered.

"It's not Family Night at Bloaty's Pizza Hog, she is no use to you!" Zim shot back, certain of his plan's success. "Now then… surrender to me and your death shall be quick and painless."

Ce looked up at his comrades, rotating slowly and helplessly in the air overhead. He then looked down at Da Qiao and Guan Yu, both chibi and utterly useless to their cause.

Were there some obstacles even a Dynasty Warrior could not overcome?

He felt a tiny hand in his. Even though the room was still black, he could feel Da Qiao's eyes on him, shining with love and faith.

"Lord Sun Ce," she said softly. "No matter what you choose to do, I love you and will respect your decision."

Ce's mouth was dry and his tonfa felt heavy in his hand. He closed his eyes and began slowly to bend to one knee, his head bowed…

There was a sudden rumble that shook that room to its foundations and knocked Ce off his feet. Seconds later, the wall exploded as a huge mecha came stomping into the lab, staggering about and creating general terror.

"EYAAAHHHHHHH!!!" Zim squealed as he dove aside. His scream of fright was echoed by the pilot, who turned out to be none other than Xiao. She cried out in panic as she wrenched the control sticks back and forth desperately, fighting for control of the vehicle. Sitting on the back of her head, Gir shrieked in fright, his tiny metallic hands clamped over Xiao's eyes.

"Gir, I can't see!" Xiao protested, shaking her head violently to remove the cyborg. But her trashing merely translated into ever-more spastic movement for the mecha, which pitched and staggered about almost drunkenly, its weapons firing off almost at random.

"AIEEEEEE!!!" screeched Zim in horror. "My Megadoomer! Not my Megadoomer! Get out of there you crazy stink-girl!"

"KYAAAAAAA!" wailed Xiao and Gir in tandem. The robot careened around the room, firing missiles and emitting beams of deadly focused radiation. The Wu warriors scattered like cockroaches when someone turns on the light. Ce grabbed Da Qiao by the middle and dove for cover behind a console.

"Remind you of our first date, Da?" he asked, panting and wiping the cold sweat form his brow.

Da Qiao blushed. "This isn't what I remember it for…" she said quietly.

Ce held his diminutive wife tight and listened to the mayhem out in the room. The explosions and shrieks of laser fire grew in intensity, as did Xiao and Gir's ululations of terror and confusion.

Han Dynasty technology may have been no match for Irken armour and force fields, but the Megadoomer seemed up to the challenge. Great, searing blasts from the lascannons ripped long gashes in the metal walls and punched holes in advanced machinery while missiles shredded and blew apart consoles and containment chambers. All the while, Zim knelt in despair, wide-eyed as he witnessed the annihilation of his beautiful, perfect base.

"STUPID HUMANS!!!" he ranted, his eyes blazing with horror and inhuman rage. How could the stupid Xiao-girl be capable of such wanton and idiotic destruction? Even with Gir's help…

Console by console, device by device, there were getting to be fewer objects in the room that the Megadoomer could destroy- sooner or later, people would be the obvious targets.

"Xiao, you moron, quit pushing buttons!" Da Qiao yelled to her sister. "Pushing buttons never helps, how many times do you have to be told that?!"

But Xiao either couldn't hear her older, wiser sister or was too frightened to care. Desperate to stop her involuntary rampage, the little twit pushed every button she could find, as many times as possible.

Xiao, I'm warning you…" Da called, trying to sound menacing.

The response she received was less than optimal- Xiao finally dove out her seat and hid in the back of the cockpit. The autopilot took over and the massive robot whiled around and bent over, pointing all of its lasers and missiles straight and Sun Ce and Da Qiao.

"Eep…" Da Qiao said quietly.

As the weapons hummed and powered up, the muzzles of the cannons glowing, Ce took Da Qiao and held her tight.

"I love you, Da… I always will…"

Da whirled about and looked at him, wide-eyed. "That's it?! We're about to die at the hands of this Bubblegum Crisis refugee trashcan and you say 'I love you"?! Why aren't we diving out of the way, you drama queen?!?

Ce was looking at his cutely irate wife in shock when the weapons glowed brightly and began to shriek.

"System overload… unit powering down…" came a metallic, computerized voice. No sooner had it spoken than the mecha slumped drunkenly and the weapons began droning, dispersing the energy from their capacitors.

For several seconds, nobody moved. The only sound was the hiss of the Megadoomer's heat sinks, which steamed fitfully. Convinced the danger had passed, Ce finally heaved a sigh of relief and stood up.

"Well, that was exciting…" he said in as casual a voice as he could manage. "Everybody alright?"

"Tastin' yer own intestines is probably a bad thing, right?" Gan Ning said from beneath a heap of shattered machinery, his legs poking out of the mess.

"Huang Gai, get him outta there.." Ce said while he lifted Da Qiao out from behind the console they had hidden behind. He walked around to the cockpit of the Megadoomer, which seemed to have opened itself somehow. Xiao was climbing backwards out the aperture, hoping to sneak away. She saw Sun Ce and squeaked, throwing herself back into the cockpit. A few seconds later, her head poked out.

"Are you mad?" she asked in a small voice.

"No, I'm ecstatic." Ce replied dryly. "Get outta the mecha, you pinhead, you've done enough damage for one fic."

"This is intolerable!" Cao Cao raged, storming up to Ce and getting in his face. "I demand compensation for the people of Wei!"

"your compensation is gonna be my foot up your butt and on the back of your tongue if you don't stop invading my personal space, Moo-boy." Ce shot back. "What the hell do you need compensation for?"

"This outrageous treatment!" Cao Cao answered, gesturing around the room. "Our treatment in this fic has been horrendous! We have been chibified, chained up, dressed down, restrained…"

"Sounds like a pretty standard evening for Zhen Ji to me…" Ce commented, folding his arms and smirking.

"That's beside the point!" Cao Cao raged. "I will not suffer such humiliations any further! I am the Prime minister and Regent of the Han Empire and you shall treat me accordingly!"

"Whatever, gramps. Shut your yip for a bit and let me figure out what to do next, okay?" Ce said dismissively. He surveyed what was left of the room and began giving instructions for their escape.

"NOT SO FAST!" shrilled a hateful voice. Everyone turned around to see Zim pointing a strange, ornate pistol at the group. His saucer-like red eyes flashed menacingly.

Gan Ning sneered. "It's one green booger of an alien with a pop-gun, why are we all standing here?"

"Ummm… that's actually a Galaxy Gun." Zhuge Liang pointed out, refusing to budge an inch.

"Stolen from the hip of Captain Harlock during one of his famous drunk-fests!" Zim added, aiming the pistol at Da. "Now everyone, down on your knees and hands behind your heads!"

Slowly, everyone did as they were told. Those who didn't know what a Galaxy Gun could do nudged along the other. Liu Bei kept Wei Yan from trying to eat it. The last thing he needed was a berserker with heartburn.

"So, you thought you had one…" Zim sneered, his eyes glinting with malice. "But for all your stupidity, you could not overcome true Irken genius."

Everyone was silent as they tried to make sense of what he had just said; most of them gave up rather quickly.

Zim now turned to Guan Yu and bowed low. "My Tallest," he began, his tone one of reverence. "Though these earth-monsters made the game interesting, you can clearly see that they were no match for my skill and guile."

Guan Yu rolled his eyes. "For the last time, you little beetle-thing, I AM NOT YOUR TALLEST!"

Zim bowed again. "I understand, my Tallest. You are still in disguise and wish to remain incognito."

"Could he get any stupider?" Zhu Rong whispered to Yue Ying.

"Could this fic get any stupider?" Zhuge Liang's wife replied.

Zim's head snapped around to look at Yue Ying. "What? What did the ugly female say?"

"She asked if this fic could get any stupider." Ce reiterated.

Zim trembled for a moment as he thought about what had just been said. One could almost hear his fragile mind shattering.

"AAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!" he screeched in mental anguish, grasping his head. "NOOOOOO!!!!!! THIS CANNOT BE!!!!"

Zim began to run in chaotic, pointless circles, followed by Gir, who seemed to feel the need to be included in the frenetic activity.

"ANOTHER FIC!!!" Zim wailed, yanking on his antennae. "ANOTHER FIC!!! I CANNOT TAKE OVER THE WORLD FROM INSIDE A FIC!!! A WASTE!!! EVERYTHING!!! RUINED!!! EEEEEYAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

The tiny alien then ran out of the room.

"Um, yes, well…" Ce said, clearing his throat. "Uh, okay. Shall we go home, then?"

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With little or no fanfare, people began to disperse, using the various holes blown in the wall to exit the scene and return to their kingdoms.

"Well, don't say I never show you an exciting time, Da." Ce said as he picked up his wife and began the walk home.

Da Qiao sighed and rested her head against his shoulder. "It is true, Ce, you never let things get dull. Although I must admit it might be a nice change of pace."

"Maybe, but first thing's first- let's get you home and de-chibi you. After all, some of our favourite games can't be played with you in this mode, eh?"

"Oooooh, zipper ninja tonight?" Da asked, her eyes lighting up.

"You know it, babe." Ce replied, winking.

Zhou Yu and Xiao Qiao walked along, slightly behind Ce and Da, lost in though. Well, at least Zhou Yu was.

"So, did you miss me?" Xiao asked, tugging on her husband's sleeve.

"Er.. yes, of course." Zhou Yu replied, going slightly pale.

"What about you, Guan Yu?" Liu Bei asked, walking between his massive and imposing oath-brothers. ""What was it like to be the object of such unwavering and unquestioning devotion?"

"Wouldn't you like to know…" the mighty warrior replied with a snort.

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"Well, at least we know we're safe from Zim," Ce replied as he cradled an arm around Da Qiao, who lay against him. She purred and snuggled into his chest.

"At least until he forgets we're in a fanfic and tries again…" she murmured. "I really hope that this Wumake isn't an indication of how any future ones might go. I'm not sure I could handle anything quite this dumb again."

"How ya feeling, now that you're back to normal?" Ce asked.

"Fine, I guess," Da Qiao mused. "Except I have this real bad craving for tacos."

"Forget it, Mexican makes you impossible to sleep with." Ce replied. "I wonder how Zhou Yu's doin'."

Da qiao shuddered. "I don't know. After Xiao found out that he had mistaken the little stupid robot for her, well… she wasn't too pleased with him."

"Think she'll ever allow him to stop sleeping in the menagerie?" Ce wondered aloud.

Da giggled. "He's probably safer off with her salamander as a bedmate right now…"

They were silent for several moments.

"Ce," Da Qiao began, not really wanting to talk but obviously having something on her mind. "What Cao Cao said to us back in Zim's lab… what are we going to do about that?"

Ce shrugged and smiled. Already taken care of, babe. He wants the respect due to his office, he got it."

"How so?"

"I sent him the bill for the damages and the fic's special effects budget. That is one of the Prime Minister's duties, after all…"

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Behind his desk, Cao Cao was grumbling and rubber-stamping his way through a mountain of claims and lawsuits. Nearby, Cao Pi and Sima Yi watched quietly, seemingly unconcerned by the patriarch's vexation.

"Stupid frat boys…" Cao Cao muttered. "Make a fool out of me…"

"Father, what if I said I could make this pile of paperwork disappear?" Cao Pi asked in his quiet tenor.

"Then you will truly have earned your place as my heir." Cao Cao said wearily.

Cao Pi and Sima Yi both bowed and then bolted for the door. Cao Cao looked confused for a moment before the wall burst apart as the Megadoomer came stamping through, its lasers and missiles firing.

"KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!" screamed Chibi Lu Bu and Gir from inside the cockpit.

"KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!" shrieked Cao Cao in fright. "I HATE YOU, LIU BEI!!!!!!"

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fin

Author's Notes: I know, I know, it's been almost three months. I'm sorry about that, folks, and I know I promised you already that this wouldn't happen again. But between finding a new job and being involved in one of my wife's shows, I didn't really have much time to do any writing.

Finally, the Zimake is finished. As a bonus, I also have finished the next three of four chapters of TYC proper. If I publish a chapter every two weeks, I should be able to make some headway.

Once again, my apologies about the delay. I've missed writing this story and look forward to keeping you entertained and hearing your comments. Peace.

The Author