Disclaimer: - Don't own Bleach or Harry Potter. That would be Kubo Tite and J.K Rowling

Main Premise:- Bleach goes to Hogwarts – Collection of Shorts

This chapter is sooo wrong! Also before I forget, Merry Christmas everybody!

Short 25: - Protection Racket

Rukia bolted from the medical tower, her face a thunderstorm of emotion. Her anger created torrential rainfalls of bloodlust as she ran. Everyone moved aside giving the miniature dynamite plenty of room to move. At this moment, she owned the halls. Even the portraits hurriedly hid away behind whatever objects the artists had painted in them. Four words repeated itself in her mind, "You! Will! Die! Ichigo!"

She finally found him about to select another victim for his 'shattered shaft' training regime. She marched right up behind him, stretching her leg backwards, she kicked Ichigo, hard between his legs. Ichigo abruptly stopped his lecture, a trail of drool dripping off his bottom lip. His knees buckled as he collapsed onto the ground. He was sure the two lumps forming in his throat had come up from deep down below, where he had been kicked. The class took a step back from the furious woman.

"ICHIGO! YOU BASTARD! HOW ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THIS!"

"What… are… you… on… about… bitch!" he managed to gasp.

Closing her eyes, she sucked in a deep breath. "For the past week or so my Zanpaktou 'Sode no Shirayuki' has been acting up. She doesn't know why either and seeing as the 12th Division isn't here, I materialized her and we went to see Madame Pomfrey!"

"So?" Ichigo was starting to regain his breath back.

"SHE'S PREGNANT YOU MORON! AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!"

"She's what?" Ichigo repeated in disbelief.

"Pregnant Ichigo. As in 'buns in the oven', 'the baby drop rock', that kind of thing!" Pacing she began muttering to herself, "I should've known something was wrong. Spewing up reiatsu, being a bitch in to me, the mood swings, the cravings she's inducing in me…"

"Woah! Wait a minute Rukia," Ichigo finally stood up again. "What's this got to do with me?"

"Sode no Shirakyu has never been with anyone before. There's only one person I can think of." She poked him in the chest with her finger.

"Yuck! Rukia, that's gross. I have never slept with your sword!"

Sniggering giggles came from the class. Rukia stopped this with a stern gaze, "Not you, you idiot! Zangetsu!"

"Zangetsu?" then the realization struck him. "Valentines day, the ball?"

"Yes! You made me put her in a trunk with Zangetsu!" she stomped on his foot, "ALL NIGHT!"

"Ow! Ow! Hey, it wasn't me alright." Ichigo complained while hopping about in pain. "It's not my fault my Zanpaktou got yours pregnant!"

"He's a reflection of your soul, Ichigo!... Goes to show you have a filthy soul!"

"Wait a minute! It takes two to tango! Your soul was just as willing by the sounds of it!"

At this, Rukia blushed but she kept her face grim. "Shut up! Your soul did not get my soul pregnant. It was our Zanpaktous."

"But you just said…"

"Shut up!" Obviously the mood swings not only affected her Zanpaktou. "Stupid, stupid men! Why couldn't you use protection!"

"Look it wasn't me, so don't say 'you'." Ichigo dodged a quick jab to his stomach. "Besides, Zangetsu's not the one with a sheath. Why didn't Shirayuki use protection."

"It's the guys job!" Rukia argued, "and Zangetsu won't fit in her sheath!" She winced at her badly structured statement. " What about his cloth bandages? Why couldn't he use that?"

Ichigo stifled a laugh, "Seriously Rukia, if I got into bed with you," he thought to add, "which I never will nor want to,… would you trust me to wrap my uh… goodies up with a cloth wrap and use it? Would you consider that protection?"

"I'll never get in the same bed as you, don't you worry!" she assured him. "How are you going to take responsibility, Kurosaki?"

"Look, I'll have to ask Zangetsu, okay."

"No! You're his owner! You tell me and tell me now!"

"I don't think that's fair. I've got to ask the old man first."

"OLD!" Rukia spat at the words. "Are you telling me some perverted old man got my Shirayuki pregnant!"

Drawing her sword she proceeded to chase Ichigo around with it. Her attacks were real as the surrounding environment quickly discovered. "HEY! HEY!" Ichigo protested, "Take it easy on her! She's pregnant! She shouldn't be doing so much strenuous activity!"

"What's it to you, you bastard!"

"WHAT! Look the baby's gonna be like… kinda.. I don't know… my soul child or something right?" he managed to utter as he dodged yet another strike. "Sword baby?" she struck again. "Our back up weapon?" The next thrust almost got him, "The fruit of our Souls?"

Suddenly, Shirayuki warped her shape. She became wobbly and her colour changed to green. A splattering of reiatsu ejactulated from her tip, splashing onto the ground covering Ichigo's feet. Confused, Ichigo sprung into action. "Is she alright?" he asked as he came closer to inspect the sword. "I told you to not do such strenuous stuff! Look, she's sick now!"

"Don't pretend to care!" Rukia sulked petulantly. "Take responsibility, you big jerk!"

Her teary, doey eyed look stunned him into inactivity. Taking a punch to his head he finally relented. "Okay, okay. We'll have them married alright! Will that do?"

"I suppose so." Rukia finally softened her tone. A mischievous smile played across her face. "You have to look after me too now."

"What! I never promised anything like that."

Kicking him in the shin, she explained. "Zangetsu got Shirayuki pregnant. Shirayuki is a representation of my soul. When she's upset, I get upset, when she's sick, I get sick. Zangetsu is a representation of your soul. He got her pregnant so he has to take responsibility. That means you have to take care of me when I get sick because Shirayuki is sick because Zangetsu got her pregnant. Being his representative, you have to be responsible for his actions therefore you have to take care of his responsibilities to me for making me sick even though I'm not pregnant and you didn't get me pregnant. Got it!"

Ichigo was confused. Nothing seemed to make sense. He really wished right now that Soul Society had a way of doing Zanpaktou abortions. Giving up on the confounding logic he finally agreed. "Fine, fine. Whatever."

Satisfied by the outcome, she sat down on a rock beside Ichigo as he tried to gather his thoughts to begin his class. Right now he felt like using the last method on the students, involving stabbing through the heart. So far there had been no volunteers. Rukia started to feel bored, then peeved that Ichigo was beginning his class like nothing had happened. Her irritation rose as she suddenly disliked him paying so little attention to her.

Mustering up the most commanding tone she could, she called out, "ICHIGO! I FEEL LIKE SOME PRUNES!"

End

A/N: Bwahahahaha! I set this chappie up from so long ago! It's so wrong that I'm proud of myself! LOL. I can't wait till the wedding.