Han tried to look over to his side but only saw darkness. He looked down to find his own body was still there, remarkably colorful next to complete darkness. He couldn't hear, see or feel. He was in one big black plane that extended everywhere. It was like being stuck in limbo between worlds Han thought, maybe this is what it would be like to be stuck between this world and Aiedion. The only only other thing in his little world was the pillar and his flame above him. That judge had been right, the only thing he knew was that he could feel a steady stream power flowing out of him. Han had no concept of time the only thing he could judge was how much power he used. He figured out that you could pour as much energy at the flame you wanted but it would only accept or take the amount it needed to keep burning. He might be using energy to keep the flame going, but thankfully his body kept up with the demand for the most part. It wasn't a demanding task to start with, but eventually as time went on and on it became harder and harder for his body to refill what the pillar demanded of him. Han didn't know how long he'd been standing there, but at some point images started to come across the blackness that surrounded him. The blackness was like a giant screen that showed him his own worst failings. By this this time the demands of the pillar had caused his toes to go cold from the consumption of his power by the flame because his body was retreating into itself. Keeping only what his vital organs warm. He looked around to see a picture of Mari and his mother. They were all alone in their house above the stable and the place was filled with smoke. Flames had started to creep inside of the building. Han saw Mari laying on the pallet pail as bones and Mam was sitting there next to her dripping water into her mouth. Han cried out,
"No! Get out of there Mam! Get her out of there!" He let go with one hand of the pillar then stopped. He couldn't help them, it wasn't real. It couldn't be. So helplessly watched as the room grew hotter and the flames grew higher. When the heat was unbearable Mam huddled Mari up next to her and protected her best as she could from the flames. Her whispers carried just enough so that Han could hear it,
"Its going to be alrigh' love, your brother he's comin'. He's comin'. He's goin' to get us out of this. Don'cha worry." Mam kept repeating those last words over and over again until the smoke finally caused her to go unconscious.
Han was shaking uncontrollably tears streaming down his face. He'd failed them. He could have helped, he should have run in there when he had the chance. He should have bulled right through Kat and the others! He could have saved them. As the fire finally consumed both of them a million regrets ran through his mind as he watched the death of his mother and sister. What was this place Han thought forlornly, what kind of torture is this? All he wanted to do was scoop up his tiny family and save them. Except is was already to late. Mari would never know what it was to grow up, Mam could never grow old in comfort. He could have given them that! All of it had been shattered by him. His fault, his mistake, his failure. The memory played out five different times and each time Han nearly lost his nerve and let go to help his family, but each time his resolve for holding on got stronger and stronger. I wont let go, not for my life. They already gave theirs, its my turn to give all I have. I wont let go. I wont let go. I wont let go! He shut his eyes and didn't open them again for a very long time. During this he kept repeating his mantra, he figured if he could say it enough maybe it might actually come true. While he waited the coldness in his toes gradually crept up to his legs so that his knees gave out from lack of strength. Thankfully the power the pillar needed flowed out of his arms so those at least were comfortably warm for now as energy streamed through them. The power leaving him was like a river, it never stopped or sped up, it just constantly took the fire within him and sent it out to light the flame. Looking up he repeated, I wont let go to himself and tightened his grip even more. His knuckles were bone white because his hands were in a death lock on the handle of the pillar, he wouldn't let go for anything and closed his eyes again.
When he next opened his eyes another scene began to play across the blackness. Thankfully it was not the death of Mam and Mari had seen that enough. He though he might throw up had he had to see that again. The heart wrenching guilt he felt when he had seen them had bubbled up from deep within him and the pain felt as fresh as it had the day they had passed from this world. This time though was a picture of Raisa. She looked the part of warrior queen even more now as she twirled inside the palace in armour. No, he thought, this can't be happening, because he thought he knew where this was going. He was right, Raisa was in a battle fighting ferociously. As was he, they were fighting back to back from what Han could see, but it looked to be a hoard of soldiers. As they dispatched man after man both of them grew more and more tired and Raisas' staff couldn't recharge fast enough to be effective with so many victims. So that eventually one solider got past her guard and slide a sword straight through her so that when she cried out and Han looked back at her he could see the other end of the sword protruding. He watched as the image of himself crying out and unleashed a spell that leveled everyone still standing in the room. Black lightning flashed everywhere so that when the spell ended not a soul stirred. The image of himself fell to his knees in exhaustion. Crawling over he looked down into Raisas' eyes. Still holding onto the pillar Han couldn't see her face, but the image changed so that he was looking directly into it. This place is so sick thought Han. Can't they leave well enough alone? Because when that sword had gone through her he had felt the blow himself. He had felt his heart and hope ripped to shreds so that only tatters remained. The image was so real he had no doubts that it was true. He was so exhausted from giving up himself and his energy to the flame that he didn't know what was real. So that as he looked down on Raisas' beautiful face he saw the pain in her beautiful green eyes from her wound. A hand came into view and wiped a stray hair away from her face. A voice, his voice he realised said, "Stay with me? Please?" He pleaded. The image panned to her wound and Han knew it was not something that could be fixed. So that when the image skipped back to her face he got to watch as the last life drained out of Raisa's face. Watched as the last of the animated spark that was life left her. Watched as her eyes gradually glazed over and heard when her heart stopped beating and that was when the last shred of his heart blew away.
"No!" He howled with all of his might into the blackness as if willing the image to be untrue. Not after all the pain, all the work he'd gone to. Not after how close he had gotten. He would never let her go, never! Some part of him knew that the image wasn't real, but after witnessing Mam and Mari die over and over again he really couldn't tell what was real anymore. The lack of heat in his body had crept through all of him. No longer were his hands warm from the heat the flew out of him now. As he closed his eyes and held onto the pillar once again the image of her dieing would not leave his head. No matter what he though of, the thought of loosing her was stronger, and more powerful than anything. Until he thought of the Bayers. He latched onto the one thing that had ruined everything so far in his life, had sabotaged everything good in his life and were willing to do anything to put him under the ground. He latched onto this idea through his meddled mind and started up his mantra again. I wont let go. I will never let go. Over and over again. So many times in fact that it became as common breathing. He lost track of anything and everything meaningful or relevant. The contest he was in no longer even mattered. He viewed the flame as Raisas' life and he couldn't let that go out. He just couldn't! Yet eventually even he couldn't hold the flame any longer. His fingers refused to loosen as he sank forward to unconsciousness. His face pressing against the pillar in exhaustion he looked up to the flame. He saw it above him still alight, it seemed to be a lot closer than before but still growing dimmer and dimmer, maybe that was just his vision. All he knew was that his body could no longer feed the demands of pillar. Either way his head drooped to the ground still clutching the handle and finally passed out from exhaustion.