The Twilight Twenty-Five
Prompt: Restraint
Pen name: Cass189
Pairing: Edward/Bella
Rating: K+
Definition of Restraint:
1. The act of restraining or the condition of being restrained.
2. Loss or abridgment of freedom.
3. An influence that inhibits or restrains; a limitation.
4. An instrument or a means of restraining.
5. Control or repression of feelings; constraint.
Restraint
EPOV
My fists closed, my jaw clenched, my breath caught, my stomach dropped and my body went completely rigid as I saw them come in the room together, talking and laughing like they had no worries. I had to fight to keep still and to not do something stupid that would more than likely only infuriate and wound her again.
My first impulse was to scream, to walk towards them and take Bella in my arms like I did so many times before, separating her from that other guy but I didn't. I couldn't do it no matter how much I wanted to.
She was happy now and, as much as that thought hurt me, it also helped me to be able to control myself.
It was all a matter of control, after all. I had always been good at controlling my impetus, hadn't I? I just had to summon all of my strength and do it once more even though it was so damn difficult. As difficult as it had ever been.
I had to think about how good he was for her. I knew he was the right man for her and I wasn't. I never would be. All I ever did was hurt her.
He had offered her his friendship when I failed her. He had been there for her when I wasn't. He had helped her when I couldn't. He had made her heal.
I still couldn't look at their interlinked hands and be happy for them, though. There was always something that kept me from feeling that way.
It took me a long time to realize what kept me from being happy for them. What the main emotion, amongst many undefined ones, surging through my body was when I saw them together but then I finally did. I recognized it perfectly well. Jealousy… For probably the first time in my life I was jealous. Almost blindly so.
I was jealous of that man who got to hold her hand and touch her so freely without, in my point of view, fully understanding how important that touche was. He touched her without understanding that Bella was to be treated carefully, to be loved and taken care of. Without knowing that I stood here looking at them and wishing I could at least run my thumb along her full lower lip, wrap a strand of her long and brown hair around my finger, let her delectable smell surround me, wrap my arms around her slender waist and crush her small but perfect body against the length of mine. I wish I could feel her soft lips pressed against mine once more or nuzzle her cheek and kiss her neck in that way that always made her moan.
Even though I knew he was more appropriate for her than I ever would be, I was jealous of the man who could so easily claim her kisses and her touch as his own.
I wanted to be the one to make her laugh like she was laughing now and not the one – the jerk - who had made her cry. I wanted to be the one that made her eyes shine with the light of a million stars but I had lost my window of opportunity to make her happy a long time ago. She would never be mine again. I would never be the one touching her, kissing her and loving her.
When I had that opportunity to be with her forever, I blew it. I took all the wrong steps, did all the wrong things, made all the incorrect decisions and ended up, in a short amount of time, making her suffer like she never should have. I made her suffer like I hoped she never would again because if there was someone out there who deserved only the best it was her.
I had failed her and I would never get the opportunity to see her rubbing her sleepy eyes like she always did when she woke up early in the morning again. I would never get to witness her elaborate ritual before going to bed late at night once more. I would never have the pleasure to hear her moan my name when we made love like she did so many times before. I would never see her throw her head back, arch her back off the bed and part her lips in the throes of passion yet again or feel my whole body shudder at how wonderful it felt to touch and be touched by her in the most intimate way. And I never again would get to hold her in my arms and caress her body until she peacefully fell asleep.
And because I wasn't the one for her, because we couldn't be together anymore and because she didn't want me and would never accept me back, I watched her from afar, making sure she was okay and wishing and dreaming I was that man standing beside her, claiming all of her as his.
And because all I could do was dream, I was jealous and that was an emotion I simply couldn't restrain yet.
All my other emotions I kept on check. Anger, despair, self-loathing… I tried to not think about them and succeeded for the most part but every time I saw Bella, my Bella, with him I couldn't control myself. It was like my whole world came crushing down on me once again and I just couldn't breathe.
I still hoped, though. I hoped that maybe as the time went by I would learn to contain myself and push the jealously back. Maybe one day I would be man enough to stand close to her without wanting to touch and hold her. Maybe one day my feelings for her would subside and I wouldn't have to restrain myself anymore. Maybe one day I would finally be able to move on just like she had done.
One day I would be able to keep all of the images and memories of Bella that plagued my mind on check.