Thanks to MC on this one, she's simply amazing and she has no idea.

Chapter 25

BPOV

I lay in bed the next morning relaxing, I couldn't bring myself to get out of my soft, warm cocoon. Everything that happened the day before seemed so surreal that I didn't want to get up and find out it was all a figment of my imagination.

For the first time, in a long time, I'd acted like an adult. And I was proud of myself.

Edward and I had a calm, relatively collected, conversation about what happened between us six months ago. It wasn't the easiest talk to have, but it felt good to have it out in the open. And to know that he wasn't a complete asshole helped a lot. Although, I still found it difficult to understand how he didn't really comprehend that I'd had feelings for him for years. I hadn't thought I'd been that good at masking it. I guess maybe I was better than I thought, or he really just didn't see how I felt for him all this time.

I had to admit, after the conversation that I'd had with Edward, I felt a lot better about things between us. I had listened to him openly; because I was so tired of feeling angry and hurt all the time. He was real and honest with me, and I was glad I had let him explain. The shit had hit the fan in New York and he had been in a messy situation. Looking back on the drunkenness and the late night phone calls, I could kind of see where he was coming from when he was acting so lost, and even though it wasn't a very responsible reaction and behavior for an adult in that situation, he recognized that those actions were not his best moments.

Did I regret not picking up the phone and hearing him out?

No, because I think I would've hurt worse if I did. It wouldn't have just been my heart I ached for, it would've been his too. And I also didn't think I would've found the help I needed dealing with my parents' abandonment.

Some things happen for a reason, right?

That's how the saying goes.

And now that I looked back, I think, for me, I needed to suffer that heartbreak and loss. I needed to go through the hurt and pain to see how badly I was messed up inside.

In the fall, when I returned to school I planned to start seeing a counselor. It was going to be hard opening up to and admitting it all to a complete stranger, but all of my psychology classes pointed in that direction. You needed someone else's help before you could help yourself, was one of the lessons I'd learned.

The thought of finally talking it out and getting it off my chest was cathartic on its own; I couldn't imagine how it would feel when I'd actually completed the task.

I only hoped that a huge weight would be gone.

I giggled thinking about the situation that Cinnacunt had gotten herself in. Sure, it probably sounded mean, but she so deserved that. Karma was biting her in the ass and drawing blood. It's just very sad that an innocent child had to be caught in the midst of it all.

And then my lips lifted into a smile. I was worried that once we pulled into the driveway, every good feeling that we'd built over the day would dissipate. But it didn't. He opened the door for me and walked close to me even as we entered the house. They were all good signs.

But the best part was when he said we both needed some time to think. That was a good thing. We both needed it. After all the new information I had, thinking was a must. And I supposed my little piece that I offered him in the car would require some thinking on his part as well.

He didn't look upset or even angry when he said it really, just more frustrated that he hadn't realized how I'd felt all these years. It seemed as though he was really quite happy that we'd talked at all. I was too. I think he finally understood how I felt at Christmas when I told him I wanted him, and then he pushed me away.

I was really looking forward to making it back to where we had once been. Whether that meant that we were just friends or maybe something more, either way I was willing to forgive and Edward looked like he was willing to work for it. That right there was enough to give me hope.

When I finally did pull myself out of bed, I saw that Esme still wasn't home and Carlisle had left me some coffee.

I waltzed over to the coffee maker and poured myself a nice still hot cup before settling down at the table. I flipped through the paper trying to think of something to do for the day.

I didn't really want to spend the whole day cooped up reading. While I loved it and a good book could keep me company hours on end, today I felt the need to express the lightness I felt. And it felt great.

When I opened the door and felt the heat, I knew exactly what I was doing today.

Swimming.

It was eighty-five degrees out and the humidity was out of sight.

Swimming seemed like the only logical thing to do on a hot day like today.

Not to mention the Cullen's pool looked very tempting just sitting there not being used and all. So after a call to Rose to see if her and Paul wanted to come over for a dip, I went upstairs to slip on a two piece that had been gathering cobwebs in my closet.

Yeah, I was trying to get Edward to notice me.

We'd been over the fact that he was sorry. He explained what happened in New York and he mentioned that he was single, but not once did he ever confirm any kind of mutual feelings for me.

Honestly, I think he was still reeling from all that happened with Siobhan; I still couldn't believe what she did, how she manipulated him. I was torn on how I felt about Edward now… Yes, he had an excuse, in a way, for his behavior, but it certainly didn't negate all that he put me through. If only he'd been honest with me… I just kept going back and forth on this. I wanted to move on now, but I also remembered how hurt I felt for months after Christmas.

I knew we needed to take it slow, that much was obvious, for both our sakes, but I still wanted more than just friendship with him. I knew, deep in my heart that I would never want any other man; I'd tried and failed. And yes, I'd learned you needed to talk about your wants and make them clear, but at the moment, I just wanted to have a little fun for a few days. I was tired of all the heavy with my life, with Edward, and I hoped I could enjoy some of my break.

It was summer and so as I donned my outfit, I giggled to myself, seeing Edward sweat a little over a teeny bikini was going to be the highlight of my day.

I tied the strings and made sure everything was covered with my wrap, before stepping out into the hallway. Edward was in his room, he wasn't hiding though, no, he was doing research for his project. He said the right lighting could make or break a shoot, so I guessed he was looking into lighting.

I was happy for him, getting to do what he loved and paid for it too.

That was something he always joked about but never thought he would get. Now, he had it.

I knocked lightly on the door and when I heard a grumbled, "Come in," I pushed the door open and stepped into his cool room.

Edward was lying on his bed with his laptop at his side. He looked up over the screen at me and I watched in fascination as his jaw went slack and his beautiful eyes went wide.

"Hey," I said softly after a moment. "Rose and Paul are coming over, wanna come down for a swim?"

He nodded slowly. "Sure, just give me…um…a few minutes and I'll be right down." Then just as I turned to leave, he stopped me, "Bella?"

"Yeah."

"Um… Do you think we could talk…alone, later?"

"Sure, but let's relax and have some fun first." I smirked and headed out to the pool. The sun was bright for once and I was glad to see it. It was actually starting to look like summer.

"Hey B," Rose said as she came out the glass slider. Her glittering blue bikini looked so sexy on her and I knew I didn't compare, but I was just happy being able to finally put one on.

"Hi hun," I said, suddenly feeling a little nervous. If anyone was going to be able to tell something was different it was going to be Rose.

She was so perceptive and not just that, but she was protective, and if she thought that I was making a mistake, she was going to let me know. It was as simple as that. I really appreciated that about Rose. I didn't need to guess about her feelings on something and that was probably why we were best friends because there was no bullshit there. We were like sisters in that way.

"Paul will be right out, he's just changing," she told me while she set her things down on a lounger.

Even with the spotty weather Washington seemed to have, Esme was still adamant on having a pool. She had grown up with one back in Ohio where she was from and she felt that her kids needed one too. There was never a summer that went by that it didn't get used.

We always loved it when there was a day good enough to let us enjoy it. We'd always had fun as kids and especially as teens.

I dropped my shades back down in front of my eyes and looked up towards the blaring sun. I sighed, reveling in the feeling of the warmth on my skin.

Rose waded into the pool, not waiting for Edward or Paul.

I sat back, wanting to enjoy the sun for a few more minutes, so I laid back and unfolded my arms.

Paul was next, stepping out and saying hi to me.

"How's it going?" I asked as he set his towel down.

"Good, working a lot," he told me with a side glance.

I nodded, knowing that was his way of saying he was getting close to a down payment on a house.

"Soon then?" I wondered quietly.

A nervous smile spread across his lips and I saw the way his eyes lit up just before turning his attention to Rose.

"Real soon," he whispered.

"Come on in babe, the water's great," Rose yelled from the pool.

"That's good, I'm proud of you," I told him before he jumped in the pool, splattering cool droplets all over me.

I was letting the warm air dry me when Edward finally stepped out. And it was just like that, I found my mouth dry and my heart beginning to beat a little faster.

He certainly could still elicit all kinds of embarrassing reactions from me and he was still wearing his shirt.

"Hey guys," he shouted waving to Rose and Paul who were goofing around in the shallow end.

He turned and gave me a small smile that made my face flush.

Fuck… I was pathetic.

"Are you going in?" he whispered averting his gaze away from me. I wondered if he was afraid to let them see we were talking.

I nodded. "In a minute."

"Okay," he murmured before stripping off his gray tee, leaving him in just his black board shorts. I was sure my tongue was going to fall out.

I hadn't seen Edward in a swim suit in years. He normally didn't come home during the summers. And seeing him with a little tan, those lean legs, thick thighs and his defined abs were making my mouth water. I reached for my drink and hungrily sipped at it. He looked amazing.

I took a few calming breaths reminding myself that I still needed to think and not just about his body.

In the moment, I settled on just having fun.

Whatever that meant.

I slinked off the lounger and over to the diving board. I felt warm and I was sure it wasn't just from my thoughts of Edward.

I needed to cool off with the water.

So after taking a look around and making sure my strings were tied nice and tight, I walked carefully down the board. I took a deep breath and held it as I gracefully dove in, splashing into the crystal blue water.

The instant refreshment was amazing.

My skin cooled and I felt a lot better.

I swam languidly over to the shallow end where everyone else was hanging around chatting.

I heard Rose talking about how she and Paul were thinking about getting a dog. Edward seemed excited about the idea and was offering up ideas about different breeds that would be good for them.

"German Shepherds are good, you know?" he told her.

"Yeah, but I want something cuddly too."

"Well, Paul will need company when you head back to school in the fall," he said pointedly.

I just rolled my eyes. Edward was still trying to convince her to go back. I really didn't believe she would do it. She was happy with Paul and I knew that an engagement was imminent. Once there was a ring on her finger I knew she wouldn't want to be apart from him.

It wasn't that Paul wouldn't understand. Not that at all. He wanted her to chase her dreams, achieve her goals. I think it was just that she wasn't truly happy with her major anymore and now that she was closing in on the end, it scared her. She was going to be trapped with something she didn't love. So she didn't want to waste any more time working towards something she didn't want anymore.

"E, I've already told you, I'm not sure that's going to happen."

"Yeah, yeah," he murmured walking in a little deeper.

"What kind do you think we should get, B?" Rose asked.

"I already told you I thought you guys would look cute walking a Mastiff."

All three of them snorted.

"I could just see Rosie getting walked by one of those big guys," Edward said with a chuckle.

"Right? Her hair flying behind her as her feet barely touch the ground," I added to it, laughing.

But just as I caught myself, joking with Edward, I looked up to see Rose and Paul were silent, exchanging looks.

Then those eyes turned to me. I shrugged, not able to offer them anything.

They both seemed to let it go after a moment and we all went back to joking, this time Edward was at the receiving end. He was nearing thirty and living at home. I kept it light and so did everyone else. Edward was a good sport, obviously knowing we didn't mean it since we were all laughing.

A little while later Edward asked Paul into the house to show him some ads he'd been working on. Paul was trying to start his own business. It was hard being an electrician without some advertising material.

Pretty much as soon as they left Rose started in questioning me. I knew it was going to happen, I just sort of wished it wasn't this soon because honestly I wasn't entirely sure I was going to have answers for her.

"What are you doing Bella?" she asked quietly. She was my friend and after all that she'd been through with me, I knew I owed her some kind of explanation. It was just hard to put it all into words at the moment.

"What do you mean?" I said, feigning innocence. I knew it wouldn't last long and she would know the truth sooner or later, I just hope she wouldn't think less of me for it.

"You and Edward are talking, when did that happen?"

"Well, let's see, I met you in third grade," I said, tapping my chin.

"Cut the bullshit, Bella," she warned.

"Fine. He took me to the Apple store yesterday. I was bitching because my computer wasn't working and I needed a ride to Tacoma. He happened to hear me and offered."

"He just offered to take you three hours away to get your computer fixed?" Rose asked skeptically. I could see the gears turning in her head.

Fuck, this was going to be harder than I thought.

"Okay, at first when he offered to take me, it was to go see Jimmy if that was what I wanted. I think he just wanted me to be happy, any way that would make me."

She blew out a breath standing there in the shallow end.

"Did you two at least talk while you were gone?" she wondered.

"Yeah," I answered, treading lightly because really I wasn't sure what Rose knew about his situation in New York and it certainly wasn't my story to tell.

"And what did he say?" she continued with the third degree.

"He told me that some things, bad things, happened in New York between him and Siobhan. Listen, it's not my life, so I'm not going to spill things I'm not supposed to, but let's just put it this way. He had some pretty good reasons for the shit he pulled."

"Good reasons, huh? Doesn't he think I'm owed some sort of explanation too?"

"Rose, he didn't hurt you, did he? Did he tell you that you were fucked up in the head? Did he call you night after night telling you awful things in a drunken fog? Did he break your heart?"

She shook her head and I watched as her attitude slowly shifted back to protective. Yes, she too was hurt, only now it was because he didn't include her in the loop. She would know when the time was right for him.

"Then I take it everything is all happy and flowery now?"

"Fuck Rose, no. Everything is still not the same and I don't know if it ever will be, but we're talking at least, isn't that a good thing?"

I knew she was pissed at him for the shit that he'd done to me. Hell, I was too, but it was easy to forget it when you had him sitting next to you, looking at you like you were the only girl in the whole world.

"Bella, I don't want to see you hurting again," she whispered, looking worried.

I could understand her fears. I was bad. It had been bad. But I was a different person than I'd been then. Stronger. I still needed to prove that to her of all people. She'd been my crutch for so long that she deserved to see me stand on my own two feet for once. And this time with Edward I was determined to do just that.

"What you don't understand is that I'm still hurting, every day. I think I've just learned how to deal with it in a more mature way. I know the pain he's put me through, I've lived it, breathed it. I've laid awake at night feeling like my body was on fire from the heartache. Trust me, I don't want to be in it anymore either. He explained things in a different light to me and I can see where he was coming from, for most of it. Not only that, but he apologized. It was very big of him to do that. So, I'm giving him the credit he deserves."

"A second chance, then?" she questioned, looking wary.

I shook my head. "We didn't venture anywhere near that. For now, I think we're going to work on being friends. I doubt anything more will ever come of it than that. He looked physically ill when I admitted that I'd had feelings for him for a few years now."

"Oh B," she whispered bringing me into a hug, but I was okay. Before today I didn't even really think we would ever talk again, so this was a huge milestone in my book.

"Are you okay?" she asked seriously.

"Yeah, I'm fine. More than fine, actually, I'm sort of happy to be talking with him again."

"That's good. I'm so glad," she said, smiling a big, bright smile at me.

Her wicked blues twinkled. "You know, I just wanted to say that I'm happy you're trying to be friends with him. I just want my family back together," she said with a sigh. I was too. I wanted that just as much as she did.

Just then, Paul and Edward made their way back out to the pool.

"Hey babe, the pound is only open for another hour, you wanna head out?" Paul asked Rose.

I saw her eyes light up. Paul was perfect for her.

"Yeah, that sounds great."

My eyes drifted to Edward who was holding a cold beer in his hand. A small smile spread across his lips at her excitement and I could tell that he was genuinely happy for her.

I saw Rose out to her car and waved goodbye to them as her and Paul drove away.

Then I found myself torn about where I wanted to go. Part of me, a larger part than I would like to admit, wanted to go back to Edward, to hang out with him. But my more rational side said that was definitely a bad idea. We'd had a good day together, but hanging out alone, was going to have to wait.

Besides, if he wanted to see me, he could find me. It wasn't as if the house was so large that he wouldn't be able to find me.

I headed upstairs and changed out of my bikini into a t-shirt and some comfy shorts before heading to the living room, curling up and opening my new book.

But before I could even get a page deep into it, someone had plopped down at the end of the couch.

I closed the cover and peeked down to see who it was. I knew who it had to be though.

"Hey," he whispered patting my bare leg. "I thought we could talk."

"Didn't we do enough of that yesterday?" I wondered. I wasn't completely sure I wanted to talk again right now, there were still so many things floating around in my head from our other talk. And I really hadn't had time to think about them all.

He shook his head. "No, Bella, I think we, or at least I, have a little something more I need to say."

My eyebrows fell together in confusion, he looked so serious, so feeling the need to hear him out, I sat up.

"Okay, I'm listening."

"Well," he cleared his throat, "remember yesterday, you told me something about how you had feelings for me for several years. I assume they weren't of the brotherly notion, after what happened between us at Christmas, right?" he wondered, turning to face me.

I nodded, feeling my cheeks heat. This was such an awkward conversation, not only that, but I was also wondering why he was bringing it up now.

"Then I think I need to be honest with you," he said with a sigh. "I've had feelings for you for a while now. Actually, if I'm going with the whole honesty kick, part of the reason I started dating Siobhan was because of you."

I was shocked and so lost at his words that I didn't even know what to say.

"See, you were young and you've always been so much younger than me. And, no, I am not obsessed with our age difference, I am just trying to explain why it was so difficult for me to accept and not act on my feelings for you." He took a deep breath and continued, "When something started to develop with you, it felt wrong. You were supposed to be my surrogate sister and I felt like pervert. I could usually push it aside or drink enough to forget about it. But as the years went on I knew I needed a more permanent solution. So finding someone to be with seemed like the right direction. I met a woman who could at least keep me mildly interested and I thought it was perfect. The thing was though, being with her only made me think of you more."

Again, I was lost at what to say.

Apparently though, he took my silence as a sign to continue.

"Bella, I just need for you to understand what it was like for me. I didn't fight my feelings because there was ever anything wrong with you; I saw you as nothing but perfect. I want you to know that it was all me." He sighed heavily. "I fought them because… I was nearly twenty, Bella, and in college when you started coming around. You were just ten and that was a huge age gap for me to emotionally conquer when things changed for me. Watching you grow up, skin your knee, break your arm, cry over boys, and taking care of you like I did Rose, like a sister, made it so fucking difficult when I started seeing you in a different light." He grabbed his hair with both hands in frustration.

"When?" I whispered. It wasn't even a coherent question, but he seemed to get what I was asking.

"You were sixteen, it was your prom, actually, and I was watching you come down the stairs in that tight, blue dress with your hair all done up; that was the turning point for me," he said softly. "Something happened to me in that moment. I can still remember how my breath caught in my throat, how beautiful and mature you looked, and you had no idea; you were so humble about yourself."

I gasped. Four years ago. Four years of feeling like I was alone in the world. And then suddenly realizing that I wasn't alone, not at all actually; it was hard to believe and much more difficult to process.

"I didn't let myself think about you like that though, not until you were eighteen."

I nodded slightly. "So you thought about me, began to acknowledge your feelings, two years ago."

I needed to clarification. I didn't know why, but I really did.

"Yes," he whispered. "It was hard, but I accepted it then. Of course I always assumed I would never be able to do anything about them. So, I pushed them to the back my mind, only needing to visit them once a year, at Christmas."

"I was the reason you stopped coming home in the summer?" I questioned disbelievingly.

"Bella," he moved over closer to me, "the older you got… It was hard and I never knew if you'd have a guy with you or not. And, I never thought that you would feel the same. I always imagined myself hiding my feelings."

"I'm just so blown away. When I planned to tell you, or rather show you how I felt this past Christmas, I thought that…Well, I guess I never thought that it would end well, but at least I wouldn't have to keep wondering what if."

He grabbed my hand, pulling it close to his chest. "I know that it's soon, too soon in fact, and we still have things to think about and talk out, but hopefully, while you're thinking, you'll know that…" he paused and searched my eyes, "I love you, Bella," he whispered softly.

I felt like running to grab a q-tip. I didn't think there was a way that I heard him correctly. I swallowed, he loves me. It wasn't some drunken confession either. He loved me.

"You…you love me?" I questioned brokenly.

"Yes, and while I wanted to tell you in some grand gesture and shout it from the mountain tops, I felt it was better that you know now. I don't want to play games with you. We have both suffered too much already to beat around the bush any more. Eventually, though, I hope we can explore that, if it's something that you end up wanting when you're done thinking."

"You really want me, Edward?" I couldn't help the idiotic questions; I was baffled by his admission.

"If that's something you decide that you want, yes, I would love to try with you," he said brushing a hair out of my face.

So much of me wanted to reach over to him and plant a searing kiss on his lips and tell him that I was ready now, but the smarter part of me, the part that was still hurting from Christmas, said I needed to give it a little time. But he was right, knowing this now made more sense than to find it out later on…when we'd both made even more stupid mistakes.

I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself, still reeling from his confession. "I appreciate your candor Edward, you of course already know how I feel, so, yes this will definitely come into everything I need to think about," I said with a little smile. I couldn't help it, I still felt so good from his words. "But it's hard to ignore everything that happened in the past. I can't just let it go, not yet anyway. I just need some time," I explained looking him in the eyes.

I thought that was safe. I could think about whether I really saw myself ever letting go of the pain he'd caused me and then we could also talk. Maybe even test the waters for more.

It was clear that I wanted Edward in my life in some capacity, but I was afraid that if I couldn't find it in me to forgive him completely, then starting a relationship with him wasn't going to be a healthy step.

He seemed agreeable. "Time is good, space too, if you want it. I'm just glad that we're on the same coast now."

I grabbed his hand, liking the feeling of being close to him and not wanting him to escape back to his room.

"I don't need a ton of space. Not right now at least, " I whispered.

We quieted and turned on the TV. And while we sat there on the couch I couldn't find it in me to concentrate on the show, no, now my thoughts were on what Edward did and said to hurt me. My anger built, but then resolved as I thought of his apology, and his declaration of love for me. I could tell this was going to be a process, but at the end of each cycle I felt good being next to him and finally knowing the whole truth.

Alright, so his feelings are out there. What do we think?

He's trying right?

She doesn't need space?

Rose knows, at least a little. How'd you take her feelings on it?

I wonder if Paul said something to E when they went in the house?

:o)