"Good news, guys," Mr. Makarov said.

John and Jane paused their chess game. "What is it?" John asked.

"Squeaker," Jane teased.

"Shut uuhhp ah fuck," John said.

"Enough, you two. I got my hands on a large sum of money... don't ask how... and we'll be flying to Moscow next week."

"Moscow?" John said. "Why there?"

Mr. Makarov sighed. "You two never knew your mother and I used to live there?"

"No," Jane said flatly.

"Well, we're going to pack our stuff, leave this shithole, and you guys will get an education."

Shepard remembered old memories. She paced around the cemetery, glancing at her uncle's tombstone. Next to it was her mother's. John looked just about ready to join them, given his age. Shepard knew it would be a while before she would end up here, considering her implants kept her fresh and young. The gravedigger walked by and noticed her.

"Konban wa," he said.

"What?" she asked.

"Samui desu ne?"

'Fuck, he's Japanese.' "Ummm... watashi wa... o sushi... desu. (I am sushi)"

The man started laughing. "Subarashii."

"Tokyo sushi sashimi desu toyota honda kawaii naruto sensei sashimi tuna," Shepard blurted out.

"Damare."

Shepard once again visited the T'Soni household. Ossaidra was on the couch listening to music. Lydia was eating cookies as usual. Her two youngest daughters were in a fistfight. She walked in to the hallway and found Shia pacing.

"Something wrong, sweetheart?"

"Yeah dad, I'm freaking the fuck out right now."

"What's wrong?"

"I just got some bitch pregnant."

"Well shit. How'd she get pregnant?"

"I don't fucking know! We didn't even meld and now she's telling me shit that she's pregnant, fuck dad I'm not ready to be a father!"

"Calm down, Shia. Let's talk to your mother."

"No dad, no way can she know about this!"

"She has to. Sooner or later, she'll find out."

"FUCK!"

Liara walked into the hall. "What's going on?"

"Shia got a bitch pregnant."

She punched her arm. "Goddess dad, seriously?"

"You got someone pregnant?" Liara asked, a bit uneasily.

"Yes, okay? But she didn't even meld so now I'm just confused, goddessdammit."

"Wait, wait, I have a book about Asari reproduction that could help," Shepard suggested.

"Read it then," Liara said.

Shepard opened the book up from her omni-tool. "Let's see... 'changes that will come with every maturing woman. Unlike men, every month for the rest of your life you will bleed out of your vagina...' wrong book. Okay, here. 'Every asari has a reproductive system that is primarily in the nervous system. However, all asari still have a reproductive system inside the vagina, though it is almost completely useless, as there are no longer asari males. It is still functional, but its purpose now is mainly for carrying the embryo. With asari males extinct, there is no asari sperm to fertilize the eggs contained inside. The vaginal reproductive system in asari is akin to the human appendix.'"

"Well goddess be damned," Shia said. "Apparently I'm an 'asari male'."

"They existed a long time ago, before we evolved a different method of reproduction," Liara commented. "Asari males are extremely rare, only occurring when the father species is a hermaphrodite or inter-sexed. And even then, only one in one billion of them will birth a male."

"Ah shit. So the kid's actually going to be related to me?"

"Yes."

"Asari males have tits?" Shepard asked.

"Our males weren't like your own, at least according to the cave paintings."

Ossaidra appeared. "Did I hear Shia's gonna be a baby daddy?" she teased.

"Shut the fuck up, Ossi."

"Hahaha! I fuckin' knew it. Maybe next time you should wear a condom, jackass. 'Cause then you'll be like dad."

Shepard rolled her eyes. "Whatever. Anyway, you think you can convince her to abort it?"

Liara spoke, "Asari don't abort children. The fetus is connected to the nervous system, so killing it would either kill the mother as well or permanently paralyze her."

"But they didn't meld."

"It's too risky. I don't want to take any chances."

"Shia?"

"I am not raising that kid," and with that, she shut the door to her room.

Liara turned to Shepard. "Seems like she inherited more than just your 'manhood.'"

"Yeah..."

"So, how are things between you and Aria?"

"Not great. She thinks I'm cheating on her with you."

"Well, you are."

"Hey now, aren't you glad?"

"I'd rather if you hadn't divorced me in the first place, Shepard."

Jerry Springer slid down the pole and entered the stage. The audience cheered. He went over to Shepard sitting on the couch. "Here, we have Commander Shepard! The audience started to clap. He turned to Shepard. "So, describe the situation."

Shepard cleared her throat. "Alright, well, my current wife right now is accusing me of cheating on her."

"And is that correct?"

"Yes-BUT" the crowd booed her. "BUT, I have a good reason to. I cheated on Liara to get with HER, so she, in my opinion, should not be surprised. In fact, I think she should've seen it coming." Shepard was still not popular with the crowd.

"Then who do you want to be with?"

"I want to be with Liara again, of course."

"Is this the first time you cheated?"

Shepard laughed. "Nope. But they know that."

"I see. How many times have you cheated?"

"Lost count." The audience laughed.

Jerry resumed speaking. "Well, let's meet Shepard's wife right now! Here she is, Aria T'Loak!"

The audience booed as she walked in to the stage. She gave them all the bird and shouted, "Wha-ever, wha-ever I do what I want, you don't know shit, you don't know nothin'!" She strutted and sat her ass down on the chair next to Shepard's.

"So," Jerry said. "You used to be the other woman?"

"Yep."

"And so Shepard left Liara to be with you."

"Yes."

"So you're a homewrecker?"

"Well, I-I..." the audience started snickering. "Well, that doesn't excuse her from being a dirty-dog cheater."

"And is it true that you are carrying her child?"

"Yes."

"And when is she due?"

"In one month."

"Let's get Shepard's ex-wife in now." The crowd cheered as she walked onto the stage. Aria got up and started attacking her, quickly separated by the guards, though she still tried to reach her arms out and grab her.

"Jesus, calm the fuck down, Aria," Shepard said.

"CALM DOWN?! WHY DON'T YOU KEEP THAT SNAKE OF YOURS IN YO FUCKING PANTS?!"

Liara used a biotic shockwave on Aria. Immediately the audience went wild. "JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!" The bell started ringing and the two Asari were fighting with full on biotics. Shepard had enough and left the stage. She opened the door backstage and went outside. There was a batarian smoking.

"Human," he said.

Shepard got out a cigarette and put it to her lips. "Got a light?" she mumbled. The batarian grabbed a lighter from his pocket and lit the tip for her. As she smoked, she gradually relaxed a bit.

"So what happened back there?" he asked.

"My wife and ex-wife are fighting."

"Women, hm? Wait, aren't you one?"

"Only until you see me naked."

"Ah." He took a long drag and released the purple smoke into the air. "So what are you gonna do with them?"

"To be honest, I don't know. I've lived too long and slept with so many women in my life. I've been reproducing like a rabbit since the day I hit puberty."

"Vorcha are like that. They don't live very long."

"Do they have over 5,000 children in their lifetime?"

"Damn. Guess not. You're a horny motherfucker."

"I know, I know, I get that a lot. I feel like my life has gone to shit lately, though. I just don't know what to do."

"Are you Commander Shepard?"

"Yeah, why?"

"You looked familiar."

"So you don't hate me? For killing 300,000 of your people?"

"I'm not like most of my kind. I knew that you had to do what you did. The consequences would've been more severe."

"Well, catch you later. I think I could hear my wife coming. Hey, what's your name?"

"Barlak. Good luck."