A/N:
This is the second chapter of the final four chapters.
Chapter 25: The Dance of Death
I silently entered our bedroom.
To my complete surprise, Keiichi was up and wide awake. "How bad is it? You can tell me. Don't try to hide it."
My face was a wreck, streaked with dried tears. I said meekly, "How did you know?"
"Because I know you all too well, my love."
"Too well?"
"Too well. I knew as soon as you dismissed me from the kitchen. You were hiding it really, really well. I mean really well. Nobody else in the world would have caught it but me. I could tell that something inside you was really busting you up badly. There was nothing visible, but I could feel it. You were really in distress. I suspected you just got orders to leave me, to run off on your big suicide mission. So I decided to wait up until you came to bed to see me one last time. I decided I wouldn't try to go into the kitchen. I would just wait here. I've been sitting up waiting all night for you. I was starting to get worried you'd just run out and leave me. But I know you too well. Before you would sneak out, you would first return to secretly kiss me goodbye in my sleep. I was waiting for you to come here and do that."
He knows me better than I know myself. "I love you so much. Please hug me?"
And so, he stood up and he did.
I closed my eyes as tight as I could in our mutual bear hug. I still had my limiter dog-tags around my neck. I had to. Belldandy would have immediately sensed if they were missing.
Wearing those limiter dog-tags meant that I was completely vulnerable, no better than a mortal.
And I was now trying to outfight and outwit a mad goddess.
He was tense, he read me again. He knew something was going on, that this was life or death, right at this moment, although he didn't know what. I had to gamble that all this was going over Belldandy's head right now. That she doesn't know why I'm preparing to die in his arms. For all Belldandy knew, maybe I really did just get the orders to go on our suicide mission. It was even plausible. More than plausible.
He knew what was at stake. I carefully kept myself calm as I opened my eyes, and I looked straight into his own. He read me a third time. Good. He's ready. His eyes were like diamonds. He was so strong.
He was trying to say something. He whispered in my ear, "Whatever it is, I'm ready. I trust you completely, just like I did Belldandy."
Oh my love. "Just dance with me. If you love me just dance with me. Please? Do you remember how?"
"But there is no music."
I let out a puff of breath on his face.
"Then I'll try to sing our secret love song."
And so I did.
I started to sing our private love song, A Moon Filled Sky. The violin part.
[A/N: I now invite you to please listen to the song, A Moon Filled Sky. Go to YouTube and search for the video named The Most Beautiful Melody In The World by 'x3m slayer' (42 seconds). This video has 3 million views on YouTube. In the video, the bottle of brown fluid that you see standing upright next to the violin case is gasoline. The violinist, who is dying, is going to burn his violin in the next scene and never play again. -HuuskerDu]
I prepared to sing our secret love song.
And then it began.
The Dance of Death.
It began.
I tried to sing, but my voice was breaking badly.
With the courage to live
He turned me clockwise 30 degrees. (I knew he would turn me clockwise, not counterclockwise. I know my man.)
The future I will embrace
He turned me 30 degrees more.
Into the breaks in the clouds
He turned me 30 degrees more.
I offer my prayer
He turned me 30 degrees more.
Then I grabbed him in another bear hug, squeezed shut my eyes as tight as I could, and waited to die.
I'm still here.
I wasn't dead.
I still waited with my eyes shut.
We're still both here.
She didn't kill me. She didn't kill us.
She was completely insane, and yet enough of the original Belldandy remained. I thought for certain I was going to die at that moment.
I relaxed the hug. Amazing. Even in her utter madness she spared me. Wow, she is something else, that Belldandy.
I looked into the stricken eyes of the man I loved so much. "You see yourself in the mirror now?"
"Yeah. I have Belldandy's marks on my face."
My puff of air on has face allowed the marks to fade back in. Belldandy couldn't see it because she could only see things through Keiichi's eyes.
And she saw everything through his eyes. Everything. She was always watching. Everything. She lied about hiding behind the firewall. She was watching every act of physical love, every act of love between myself and the love of her life. It was like she was sitting on his shoulder like a mini-chibi, watching us the whole time.
And that was why she was now beyond insane.
And my man worked it all out, like I knew he would. It took him only a couple of seconds. He spoke to the ceiling, "Belldandy? Are you there? I know you're here! You are inside my head somehow, aren't you? Come out! Please talk to me!"
I waited.
Nothing.
I became worried. Did she self-destruct? What happened to her?
So I spoke to Belldandy's mind. I spoke the words to her mind. The words I spoke came directly from the fifth kind of love that was now inside of me. I now had it. The fifth kind of love. It was now operating within me, kindling, a blue fire, starting to grow bright and strong, burning with life.
{ Lind: Belldandy? I'm sorry. We all need to talk. All three of us. Please come out. I won't hurt you. He loves you more than me, even now. I know it. It's true, I know it, and I don't mind. Please, come out. Be with him again. Be with the man you love. I will turn him over to you, right now. }
And, I added silently to myself, thank you for not killing me.
No response.
I need to do it. Either she will stop me or she won't.
I said quietly, "Keiichi, you can't hear her. Not like this. I have to move her mind into myself. Then she can project her incorporeal image again, and you can talk to her face to face like you did the first time when I was unconscious, when you thought she was a ghost."
"She's here.. Belldandy is here.."
"Yes, my love. Let me see if I can bring her out."
I gently laid him on the tatami mat. "Please, close your eyes. You will feel a bit dizzy for about 60 seconds, but you will be fine. Try not to move, and try not to think of anything if you can. It helps the transfer go more easily."
I knelt next to him and kissed him, then I bowed forward in a posture of supplication. I mediated. Then I did it.
And for the entire time, Belldandy remained completely silent. I couldn't read her emotions at all. Well, after the Bond I sure will. Here it goes.
Now, she could have blocked my Bond. She didn't. The point-down equilateral triangle of three small circles on my forehead glowed white.
The transfer began.
My mind exploded again. But this time I was ready for it. I knew what she really looked like. It didn't overwhelm me this time.
60 seconds. The transfer was done. Keiichi sat up dizzily. I caressed his head and said, "No, wait a moment. You're too dizzy to get up yet." The transfer out is much less traumatic than the transfer in. He was fine.
{ Belldandy: How did you know? }
{ Lind: I have the fifth kind of love now. Using it I was able to understand. }
{ Belldandy: And I have it as well. And how did I miss it? I couldn't have. }
{ Lind: It is simple. I am a real person now, with all the flaws that a real person has, limits, humility, vulnerabilities. And I also have the fifth kind of love. You have that love as well, but you are still functioning way up there. Don't you see? That is why I was able to spot it. I am so sorry, Belldandy. I love you so much. But don't you see? You aren't a real person, like I am. }
{ Belldandy: I see it now. }
{ Lind: Good. You really catch on fast, you know that? You're so wonderful. You are a wonderful, glorious, loving, giving, generous, kind-hearted, self-sacrificing, beautiful, caring, devoted, abstraction. I'm a flawed person wearing dorky glasses who loves a dorky guy. That's the difference. }
{ Belldandy: The sixth wing. It is slightly damaged. }
{ Lind: Yep. I was able to finally understand what the damage to that wing really was, what it really represented. }
{ Belldandy: Lind, you are so wonderful. And you've taken care of him so well. Thank you so much. }
{ Lind: You're still in denial, aren't you? }
She was silent.
{ Lind: You have to tell him. }
She was silent.
{ Lind: I can tell him myself. Or will you just kill me? You won't. You would have done it already. Tell him. You know it's the right thing to do. He will understand. It will actually strengthen your relationship with him, by an incredible amount. }
She was silent.
{ Lind: I will share him with you. I'll give you control of my body. I'll even try to meditate and not listen in. You can be with him. Make love to him. Fully, at all levels of love... }
{ Belldandy: NO! NO! I WILL NEVER SHARE KEIICHI WITH ANYONE! NEVER! }
I was flung sideways against the wall.
Keiichi jumped up, "Belldandy! Stop it! Stop it now!"
{ Belldandy: NO! NO! NEVER! NEVER! }
My body was being flung up to the ceiling and down to the floor, violently. Then even harder. My leg hit the radiator incredibly hard. I felt a blast of pain. I looked. My left leg was now amputated below the knee in a ragged tear.
With my limiter dog-tags on I was being critically injured. She was killing me. Well, this was more painful than I expected. I waited for the death ecstasy to kick in. Goodbye, my love.
Keiichi dived on top of me, grabbed my head and stared right into my frightened eyes. "Belldandy! I know you are in there! Stop it! Stop it now! Or I won't love you anymore, you understand? I won't! Stop it!"
That did it. My body fell in a broken a heap on the floor. Keiichi picked me up.
He carried my broken body to the bed. Just as blackness overcame me, I felt a kiss on my lips.
Then I heard someone yell "Mom!"
Am I dreaming? I think so. How did this dream start? You never remember how a dream starts, only how it ends.
In my fevered dream I heard a voice in my head. And it was not Belldandy.
{ Tyr: It was not your fault, my dear Lind. }
{ Lind: Uh.. Sir..? }
{ Tyr: You would have never done that. Bond her into Keiichi, I mean. It made no sense for you to do that. }
He was right, I would never have done that. Belldandy needed to be instantly Bonded into a compatible mind, as soon as possible, the one most suitable for her, a first class goddess that loved her, and that whose mind was most closely aligned with her own.
I should have Bonded her into myself.
{ Lind: You are right! Why didn't I simply Bond her into my own head? Why did I pick Keiichi? That was foolish, stupid. Why did I do that? }
Am I really that much of an idiot?
{ Tyr: You had no time to think. You saw her dying in his arms. Your mind was focused on both of them. You were greatly distressed. But if you were thinking just a tiny fraction more clearly, you would have realized your mistake. But you were prevented. }
{ Lind: Prevented? }
{ Tyr: It was Belldandy. It was Belldandy's one single flaw, her jealously. It was unconscious. }
{ Lind: Sigh, yes. Her jealousy. }
{ Tyr: Her jealousy. You see, if you Bonded her into yourself, she knew, perhaps unconsciously, that eventually she would be literally watching over your shoulder as you made passionate love to the man that she also loved so dearly. Should could not bear to witness that. }
Of course. He was right. And she couldn't just hide behind a firewall. Tyr firewalled her in Keiichi's mind to protect him. She couldn't hide like that inside of me, so she'd be forced to watch our every physical act of love. No, it was worse, she could feel our every act of love, our ecstasy, and yet not participate herself.
{ Lind: Yes. She would have been locked in my mind, watching as I loved her man, even feeling it, while she just sat there, all alone, watching it all, in a mental jail of pure torture for her. }
{ Tyr: Sadly yes. But it would have been far worse than you realize. }
{ Lind: Far worse? }
{ Tyr: Yes my child, far, far worse. For you see, eventually you would have loved that pure man even more than than she herself had, with a stronger bond of love. I would have allowed you both to pass the test of Judgement Gate. Then I would have unlocked the eros in you both. With all levels of love fully active, with levels three, four, and five fully aflame, they grow on each other, feed on each other, your sexual love becomes a reflection of your selfless love, and your selfless love becomes the reflection of the True Love, and then it feeds back down again, in an ever growing cycle of strength. Your love for Keiichi would have exploded, and it would have surpassed the heights that Belldandy knew she could not even imagine. }
{ Lind: I got it. So, as she lay dying, and I was starting to think about Bonding her, her jealously must have suddenly woken up, perhaps unconsciously, and she instantly realized what might possibly happen, what must never be allowed to happen. It must not, would not, could not. }
{ Tyr: Sadly no. It must not, would not, could not. Or so she believed. }
{ Lind: And so Belldandy planted a suggestion into my head that she be Bonded into Keiichi. And I was so rattled and panicky that I never even noticed. I let her mental suggestion take hold inside my mind without my even thinking about it. }
{ Tyr: Yes. }
So, at her subliminal mental suggestion, I violated the rules, and I Bonded her into the head of the man she loved.
I even believed it myself afterwards. That I did the right thing. I was in denial, because otherwise the thought of what I did would have been too horrible for me to bear. So my unconscious mind blacked it out. Or perhaps Belldandy had a hand in that too. It didn't matter.
{ Tyr: I do not believe what she did to you at that moment was a conscious choice. Do not fault or admonish her for it. For I love my daughter more than you can possibly know, and my heart is broken, and I do not blame you, nor her. }
It was like a tragedy born right out William Shakespeare. We were all guilty, yet every act was done out of love: Belldandy for Keiichi, of myself for both of them, Tyr for us all. We each contributed.
Back in Goddess School, I would often fall asleep in class during Human Literature Studies whenever that boring English playwright was discussed. I bet that balding 16th century blowhard could have written a play about what happened: The Tragedie of Belldandie.
{ Lind: I understand now. Thank you for telling me, sir. }
{Tyr: You deserved to know the truth, my dear angel. }
{ Lind: Thank you.}
There was silence.
I was still sleeping.
There was more silence.
I could still feel Tyr's presence in my mind.
He wasn't leaving.
He's waiting for something.
That meant there was more.
Ah, he is waiting for me to ask the obvious question.
{ Lind: Did you arrange for her to die like that? You did, didn't you. Both of you. You two planned this all. I'm certain of it. }
More silence.
{ Lind: You did. You were kicking off the preamble to Ragnarök. And you sped up the timetable waaaay fast. You advanced the timetable from T+1000 years down to T+100, then down to T+1, then immediately. It was the only way to kill Hild, wasn't it? She was gunning for you, trying to kill you and replace you with Belldandy, then somehow control her mind using some ultra-high level spell, or using Hagall, or some other method, and thus control Valhalla from Downstairs. Pull all the strings from behind the curtain. That's her style. She was setting it up, it would happen right now, so you had to stop her. Right now. }
More silence.
{ Lind: But you couldn't allow that to happen, to have Heaven ruled by Hell. She had to be stopped at any cost. So you started the sequence to kick off Ragnarök. You did it. You pushed the Big Red Button. }
{ Tyr: No. You are wrong. }
{ Lind: Then who did? }
Oh.. oh.. I got it!
{ Lind: Aha! It was Hild herself, wasn't it? Trying to kick off Ragnarök! That nasty bitch! }
{ Tyr: Yes. }
{ Lind: But wait, that's stupid. She'd die. She knows that. All first class entities will die in Ragnarök, including her. }
Nothing.
He was waiting for me to work it out myself.
Ooh... Urd is second class! Of course!
{ Lind: Ah! Ah! Ah! She's operating at a high level too, right? Like Belldandy herself. So that means Hild must have a combat license, demon class. Just like Belldandy has a combat Valkyrie license even though she never joined up. That means Hild can Bond too! Am I right? Am I right? I'm right, aren't I? }
{ Tyr: Yes. And please calm down. }
{ Lind: So she was going to Bond herself into her daughter, Urd, and hide there! Of course! She would hide during Ragnarök, hide in Urd's head, while all the other first class entities died. All of them! On both sides! And then all she has to do is emerge and pretend to be Urd. And I betcha she could dominate her daughter's will, which by then would probably be 100% daemon anyway. Hild's strong mind would overwhelm Urd, tip her over to her dark daemon half, her chevrons would go from blue to red, and Urd would join her mother and rule jointly! I got it! Hild is so obsessed with family, and she always wanted her daughter to be her successor. And now she would! The new Hild!Urd would become the new first class leader of.. of.. absolutely everything! Nothing could stop those two! }
{ Tyr: Yes. And I said please calm down. }
It was so blindingly obvious.
{ Lind: That sneaky, sneaky bitch! Ooh.. she's good. So Belldandy sacrificed her life to make sure Hild stayed dead, permanently. That bitch is finally gone. }
{ Tyr: Think. You are wrong. It is obvious. You should have known that immediately after Belldandy died. Hild was not in fact dead. }
I did a mental facepalm.
{ Lind: Of course. The doublet system. How did I miss that? }
{ Tyr: Do not distress yourself. I must go now and prepare. Good bye. I am sad that we will never meet again, at least not in this level of reality. Perhaps in another. Farewell. }
{ Lind: Goodbye. I love you. }
{ Tyr: And I love you too, my dear angel. }
Then, just then, he said one more thing. One last thing. The last thing I would ever hear from him.
{ Tyr: So now you know, yes? The great secret. The great secret that is not a secret. You know everything, yes? }
{ Lind: I do. Perfectly. Level five is running 100% inside me now. Clear as a bell. You explained everything to me. Thank you. }
{ Tyr: Goodbye, my love, my dear Lind, my angel. Remember to breathe in the light at the end. }
{ Lind: I will. Goodbye. }
He was gone.
I awoke.
Keiichi was holding my hand, with bandages, towels, and a tourniquet on the left leg. Skuld was holding my other hand. I was out for about 30 minutes. I saw that Keiichi had removed the limiter dog-tags from my neck. I waved my arm and instantly healed my broken body. I reconnected the leg. That was close. I had serious internal bleeding and my blood pressure was almost zero. I almost never woke up at all.
While I was unconscious, Belldandy projected and talked to both him and Skuld. Keiichi said that Belldandy told them that I was going to die in a few minutes, and that she herself would therefore soon die as well. She was saying goodbye for real. Skuld was an emotional wreck. Keiichi was in distress, but not nearly so bad. I know how strong Keiichi really is. I knew that in his own way he was stronger than any god or goddess I had ever met.
For you see, I know my man.
Everything was going to be okay. I wondered how I had lived. Then I saw that Belldandy was somehow sane again. I smiled inwardly as I heard her endless apologies, which I graciously declined as unnecessary. As I did so, I offered a silent 'thank-you' to whatever or whomever it was at that stratospheric level of reality that had spared my life, and had brought back her sanity.
Then I put my limiter dog-tags back around my neck so that I could then I hug my man as tightly as I could.
...
And Belldandy's projection did too.
A/N:
Now, imagine the tableaux above. Keiichi is being hugged simultaneously by Lind and Belldandy together. Lind's clothing is torn and bloody. Belldandy is semi-transparent.
Perhaps someday, some kind person with some artistic ability in Adobe Illustrator could draw this tableaux for me. If you could do that, I would be very grateful. Full credit of course. I'll let you decide if Lind should be wearing her heavy black-rimmed eyeglasses or not. (The eyeglasses might confuse viewers who don't know the story.)
A/N:
The song that Lind had sung to Keiichi in her Dance of Death is called A Moon Filled Sky. You can a find a good HD copy of the song on YouTube at A Moon Filled Sky - Tenmon by Michael Evans (2:50).
There is a second (inferior) version sung by a Japanese singer, but with English subtitled lyrics included, in a YouTube AMV at A Moon Filled Sky - Full Song by 'x3m slayer' (6:58). Most lyrical translations have errors; this AMV has the best translation. It is not as good, music-wise, as the shorter Tenmon version (2:50). This is because nobody, and I mean nobody, can sing this song and do it justice. Ok, maybe Susan Boyle could sing it properly, but I don't know who else could that was not a goddess. The English lyrics displayed at the bottom of this video are the very words that Lind would often quietly sing, almost in a whisper, to Keiichi after they had made love. Usually after he had fallen asleep. Sample:
I aim for my dream, further, farther
Remembering your sleeping face, and the happiness I felt
My wish travels over the horizon, my heart flies far
Ultimately, the song A Moon Filled Sky is about trusting grace. This was what Belldandy meant when she told Lind that she had some L5 love inside her already.
Now, if you decide to watch the anime that originated that song, ef: A Fairy Tale of the Two, and I recommend that you at least try, please note that the first season is A Tale of Memories and that the second season is A Tale of Melodies. Many people get it backwards. It is important to keep the order of the two seasons straight if you want to have any hope of understanding this profoundly deep (but difficult to watch and understand) anime about the fifth kind of love.
And for goodness sakes keep watching after the credits roll! The most important material often follows the credits. For detailed instructions on how to watch ef so that you can understand it, please see the A/N at the bottom of chapter 18.
To get a feel for ef, see the opening cut-scene of the Visual Novel on YouTube: [720P][Visual Novel] Ef: A Fairy Tale of the Two Game Opening #1 by DLSubs (2:18). The plot in the VN runs a bit different than the anime (e.g., Yuko and Yu meet at the start instead of the end), but the emotional flavor is very similar. The video introduces all the characters and the five couples, and it has a wonderful soaring intro of Yuko standing on the school roof, with the song I'm Here playing in the background. (I'm Here is a seeker song, like all the songs in ef.) That roof is hugely important, as major events happen for each of the five couples on that same roof.
A/N:
Chihiro's breakthrough in ef: In our continuing series of video clips that demonstrate the fifth kind of love, I want to show you the climax of the Chihiro x Renji arc in ef.
Now let me say up front that, unlike CLANNAD, this series needs spoilers for you to have any hope of really understanding it. So I'm not going to worry about spoiling it:
Chihiro is an anterograde amensiac (13 hour memory limit), who can fall in love all over again each and every day. She wears a paper eyepatch because, after the auto accident, when the doctors tried to fit her with a glass eye, she would wake up each morning and panic and literally rip the thing out of her eye socket. (A paper eyepatch is easier to replace every day.)
Keep in mind that Chihiro's brain damage is permanent. It cannot be fixed. There are no miracles anywhere in ef: Dead people stay dead, dying people remain dying, and in Chihiro's case, brain damaged people stay brain damaged.
Renji is Chihiro's totally dedicated lover. Everybody warns him off, but he stays faithful. She writes in her diary about the growing relationship, and she re-reads the diary every morning to get up to speed. But the pages grow and grow and grow.
She can't read them all. Eventually she realizes that it will never work, so she tears up the pages of the diary and throws them to the wind, thus effectively killing Renji in her mind. She does it because she loves him. She doesn't want to put him through the torture of restarting a love relationship from scratch literally every day. Chihiro even tosses one page as a paper airplane, an image in ef that always symbolizes change.
Renji heroically runs after the flying pages to try to collect them. He frantically searches for them everywhere, all day and all night. He mostly succeeds.
He returns the next morning with the torn-out pages, despite the fact that by now Chihiro has forgotten him. Her memory of him is now completely gone.
Chihiro knows that she is trapped by a 13 hour chain. The chain is her mental prison.
But wait, she had not forgotten Renji after all. She somehow still remembered him after 13 hours! Wait, how could that possibly happen? Simple. She thinks about Renji. This refreshes her memory of him in her brain. As long as she thinks about him within the 13 hour window, she can roll it forward. And thus she can remember him indefinitely.
And so she has her epiphany. The chain breaks and she is free. This is shown graphically and symbolically. She is free.
She doesn't need the diary any longer to keep him in her heart. And so they commit.
The first YouTube clip is called Epic Ef Scenes ~ Her Lost Pages by MistyDecember (1:01). Renji runs like a maniac all over town to rescue the torn diary pages, with the song I'm Here playing in the background. The second YouTube clip is called Epic Ef Scenes ~ Breaking Chihiro's Chains also by MistyDecember (1:45). This is where Chihiro has her epiphany.
All the tragedies in ef resolve themselves in a similar optimistic fashion, and it is the whole thesis of ef: Yes, life can suck, and yes, you then die, but until then, try to make lemonade from the lemons, and do the best with what you got. And know that there is someone Upstairs who cares, and know that the story doesn't end when you do.
And this is why ef is fundamentally an optimistic story. It is quintessentially Christian in its optimistic outlook, even in the face of the worst tragedies. (Hey, quintessential, get it?)
The story of ef is about pure L5 love in action. It's about life, really.
Remember, all of life's Deep Truths are simple and obvious once you spot them.
All you need are your eyes and your brain.
It's that simple.
-HuuskerDu