Rey

Rey missed Jakku.

Miserable, searing, barren dustbowl that it was, she missed it. Missed her AT-AT home, the hammock she'd made for herself and the old Y-Wing computer she'd salvaged and turned into a flight simulator. She missed her days of scavenging, of hunting for the best stuff, and gossiping around the washing tables. She did not miss the daily interaction with Unkar Plutt. No amount of pain in this new life could compel her to miss that disgusting Blobfish.

But life there was simple. Predictable. She never hurt anyone unless they tried to steal from her, and even then it was fair fighting. On Jakku, the only one to worry about was herself. She couldn't disappoint anyone, couldn't betray anyone.

In light of this longing, she spent the next few days in mindless work as close to scavenging as she could come. Instead of training or studying with Ben, she passed the hours in the hangar and in the mechanic's bay, working on machines that had been damaged or fallen into disrepair. Fixing things was good work. It kept her hands and her mind busy and nobody bothered her there.

Machines made sense. Even if nothing else did, she could count on that.

Ben was an unfortunate victim of this sudden change in routine. She saw him only at mealtimes now, and said little. He never pressed her for conversation, except once to ask for one of her books to study himself during his long, idle hours. She knew it wasn't right to shut him out — the one conclusion she'd been able to draw from all of this was that Ben was not responsible for her behavior that day in the training room. But she could not bring herself to talk to him about the agony festering within her. And trying to focus on their other work was no good, because she couldn't even begin to entertain the idea of using the Force again. She wasn't worthy of it.

That's why life on Jakku had been better than this. Back there, she'd just been ordinary and unremarkable. The Force hadn't woken within her, so she didn't have the opportunity to abuse it.

Despair and doubt clouded her every thought when she was not fixing things. The incident with Poe compelled her to confront the truth about herself. She wasn't the plucky Resistance hero, friend to all, indomitable mascot of hope. She was just an up-jumped junkyard nobody who had no business pretending to use the Force, who couldn't control her emotions and was no good at trying to be a Jedi. In this role that was far too big for her, she'd hurt people she loved. That was far worse than never having loved at all.

Luke's behavior on the island was easier to understand now. Running away to the Unknown Regions and cutting herself off from the Force sounded pretty good right now. Then at least she couldn't use it against the people she ought to be protecting.

A few days into her self-imposed isolation, Rose approached her. She found Rey in the hangar, making some upgrades to old, corroded components on the Falcon.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Rose asked after watching her in silence for a moment.

Rey shook her head, focusing on the wires in front of her.

Rose climbed up next to her, peering closely at her handiwork. "Yikes, how old is this thing?"

"I don't know," Rey admitted. "Chewie says Han won it as a young man, so at least that old. Probably older."

"Can I help? I think you're on the right track here. It deserves a little TLC."

"Sure. Grab a set of Pilex drivers." Rey only knew what she did about machines partly from an inborn understanding of how things worked together, and partly from the many operational manuals she'd salvaged and read to ease the tedium of her days. Rose was an educated engineer. Her expertise would be valuable in this project.

Rose proved helpful and innovative, as suspected, and Rey began to thaw by degrees. She knew this had been Rose's plan all along, but knowing that didn't make it any less effective. It helped that the other woman didn't try to bring up the topic of Rey's attack on Poe again, talking about everything else instead. She talked about her sister, Paige, and their childhood on Hays Minor. Rey liked hearing these stories. She was fascinated by the idea of siblings, and found delight in the tales of the two sisters and their adventures. She talked about her early days in the Resistance, winning Leia's trust and being assigned to the Cobalt Squadron of bombers. Rey asked about Rose's power baffler invention and they spent the next few hours discussing energy output and signal scrambling.

When they finished with their task, Rey felt that the tension in her chest had eased a little. It helped to have a friendly soul beside her, distracting her with lighter things to think about and allowing her, for one moment, to pretend she hadn't made a terrible mistake.

Climbing down, she hugged Rose. "Thank you," she whispered.

Rose laughed a little. "Sometimes we just need to work through things at our own pace. I get it."

"But why did you come talk to me at all?" Rey pulled back, searching the shorter woman's face for answers. "Poe, Finn, everyone has seen me for what I am. They stay away because of it. Why didn't you?"

"Because the person you are isn't someone to stay away from. When Finn told me what happened, I knew why you'd done it."

Rey shook her head, the familiar lump of self-loathing returning to her throat. "I shouldn't have done it. It was wrong."

Rose shrugged. "Maybe. Kinda sounds like Poe deserved it, though. I mean, you don't bring up a guy's mother to his face. Especially not when that's such a major sore spot. You were just sticking up for Kylo. Crazy as that sounds..."

"I was worried it was about to go sideways. They were both so full of hate." Rey cringed at her own words. She despised herself for trying to justify what she'd done. It didn't make her feel any better to hear Rose trying to do it for her.

"Sounds like they're the ones with the problem, then. Not you. Talk to Finn, at least. He isn't sure how to approach you, so I'm telling you to go to him. You guys need each other. I think he understands better than you think he does. Sure, it freaked him out, but he knows why you did it."

That night, in bed, Rey could feel Rose's words trying to worm their way in to her aching wound. Part of her wanted to believe it. Wanted to believe that what she'd done had been the right move in that situation. But in her heart, she couldn't accept that. She'd let her anger turn her gift into a weapon against a friend. She'd lost control.

The pressure in her chest felt like it was about to burst. She didn't want to cry again. Not again. She was such a crybaby sometimes. Her emotions were wild and hard to reign in. She needed to moderate them. Crippling self-doubt and guilt made her so weak. Had all of this been a mistake? Bringing Ben here had provoked Poe, normally so charismatic, friendly, and charming, to become angry and mistrusting, quick to accusation. And just when she thought he'd come around, Ben had begun to radiate hostility and resentment towards him. Was it impossible for her to blend all the best parts of her life into one peaceful, harmonious existence? Had she compromised everything by trying to do so?

Why had the Force come to life inside her in the first place? She was such a flawed, inexperienced, weak vessel with no idea what she was doing. Just when she thought she was beginning to understand her destiny, everything would shift out from under her feet and knock her flat.

Rey got out of bed, restless, annoyed. Sleep was no good. No good at all.

She needed to do something to get control. To get balance.

Instinctually she drifted out of her room and into a silent, dark corridor. Maybe she should go outside. The fresh air and excessive abundance of growing things always seemed to have a calming effect on her mind. Yes, it was a good plan. She headed down the hall, hearing the soft whir of custodial droids scrubbing away in another part of the base. Quiet rooms full of quiet dreamers fell behind her one by one.

But instead of going outside, she paused in front of one particular door. No guard was on duty this late at night. No reason to conduct weapons inspections when there would be no visitors. She turned, glancing around the hallway once again, and faced the door. Her heart leapt a few nervous beats in her chest. No doubt Ben would be asleep. Why had she stopped here? Why did she linger?

Keep going, she urged herself. Go outside.

But her feet wouldn't move. She'd been avoiding Ben for days, it didn't make sense to come to him now in the middle of the night. This was a poor time for conversation, and she wasn't sure she wanted to talk about it anyway.

Her breath came in soft, audible puffs as she tried to reason with herself. The solitude of the empty hallway provided no cues of distraction, nothing to break the spell.

She wanted to be here, she realized. The reason she left her room in the first place wasn't to go outside. Something inside her intended to come here all along. She wanted his comfort. His balance.

But why? It wouldn't solve anything! It wouldn't take away the fact that she'd attacked Poe with the Force in a fit of rage. It wouldn't immunize her against such an action in the future. This was pointless. Worse, it was embarrassing. Childish.

Keep going, or go back to bed, she demanded again.

Instead, she passed her arm in front of the access panel and watched with a peculiar sense of relief as his door whispered open.

Moving into the darkened room, she perceived Ben's shape inert on his bed, asleep as she knew he'd be. Still not sure what she was doing, and heart beating a little too quickly for the situation, she went to him. The last time she'd suffered an emotional trauma — in that sea cave of dark power — her instinct had led her directly to him and she'd confessed everything, divulging the deepest loneliness of her soul. He'd been a soothing balm of comfort then, and she wanted that again now.

He stirred when she approached his bedside, shifting over to make room for her even in his sleepy, barely conscious state. As if it were the most natural thing in the world. Had he felt and responded automatically to the wanting in her mind?

Still uncertain of her actions but following the tug of her heart, she crawled into his bed beside him.

He rolled towards her, slipping an arm beneath her and pulling her in close, tucking her head under his chin. She curled into him, into the warm cocoon of his bare chest, and was immediately submerged in overwhelming peace. Her doubts and aching grief finally grew still and quiet. He gave a deep, contented sigh and drifted off again, his mind a languid, tranquil pond. The way he held her made her insides flutter, possessive and protective. And stars, he smelled good.

Perfectly comforted, she marveled at this strange connection between them, and wondered why everything seemed more bearable when they were together. And though this went far, far beyond their established level of intimacy, it didn't feel awkward. They'd crossed some kind of threshold in sharing their powers that day in the training room, and both the hug that followed and now this nocturnal embrace merely felt like natural extensions of that spiritual union.

Finally relieved of her emotional pain for the moment, she was at last able to give in to her fatigue and fell asleep in his arms, tucked against his body like a perfect puzzle piece. Safe. Cared for. Wanted.

A/N:

Whew! I'm really glad the site is back up. I've been sitting on this chapter since yesterday, waiting for the chance to upload it when I wouldn't get a 503 error. It gave me time to get the next one ready too though, so it's a 2-for-1 kinda day! Hope this one will help you forgive me for making Rey suffer a little bit ;) Suffering is the burden of any MC. Also, hooray for 100 followers! :D There are now a hundred of us on this journey together. It's beautiful. Don't forget to review because I love hearing your guys' thoughts!