AN: So I finally got my computer back with the original version of Chapter 35 on it. Figured I'd post as an outtake since I spent so much time on it before said computer died. Hits on all the same key plot points, but the dialogue is a bit different. Different enough that I thought some folks may want to read.
Race did not need Estella to prompt him. Every cell in his body knew to push forward and comfort them. But he did find himself at a loss for the best way to start the conversation and he wished that Benton was there. So they could divide and conquer. Give them both the attention they clearly needed instead of a split focus.
It was only a few seconds before Race acted, but for a man that successfully reacted on instinct alone in most situations that felt like an eternity of indecision.
XXX
When Jonny realized that her parents were back, he turned his head away from Jessie. He focused on the wall and wiped at his face. Immediately on edge. He was not ready for the full family reunion yet, but he felt like he had to be. For her. He just needed a moment to collect himself.
He turned back to her just as fast, kissing her cheek and then leaning forward to whisper in her ear. "I need a minute, Ace. Is that okay?" He froze and waited. He needed her to say it was alright first.
She did not want him to leave, but she could not ignore the discomfort in his voice either. She kissed his ear and swallowed back the selfish impulse to say no. To keep him close. "Go," she whispered back. "I love you."
He did not go far, pivoting off her bed and right into the bathroom without looking at Race or Estella. He shut the door and locked it. He turned on the air vent and then the shower too. Focusing on the white noise to slow his racing pulse. He sat down and leaned his head against the wall, closing his eyes and taking deep breaths through his nose. After getting some sleep and getting his girl to talk to him honestly, he was starting to feel like himself again. Finally.
That meant he wanted to hold it together in front of everyone. He also wanted to stay right by her side every second while she was upset, which was the real problem. Because he knew without a doubt that he could not do both successfully. His current emotional state was directly tied to hers. He could keep it together if she did, but he could also lose it just as easily. And the risk of that was high since she was all over the place. Angry with him one second and begging him not to leave the next.
It hurt him to watch her struggle. To not be able to make it go away with a sweet gesture or a stupid joke designed to brighten her day. And it was affecting him physically. There was a searing pain that shot through his side every few moments and his head had been throbbing for days. It was getting harder to ignore now that she was safe and he was not falling over tired. He felt like shit and when he thought about the sadness she had been carrying around on her face on top of that…
He released another long breath, which was hard since he felt like Race was sitting on top of his chest. Weighing him down. Then he forced a small smile.
'This IS what it feels like to love someone else more than yourself,' he thought. Not for the first time. Chuckling without humor. Knowing that love made him lucky. Even when it contributed to him feeling like shit.
"Keep it together, Quest. Come on."
That mantra had kept him going long enough to find her. He needed it for this part too. To move forward with her. But for each step forward, he felt like an emotional reaction took him by surprise and violently pushed him three steps back. It was frustrating. And he had snapped at her, calling her a hypocrite, because of that frustration.
'That shouldn't have happened,' he thought. He was all over the place too and struggling not to hate himself for it.
Part of him knew he was being ridiculous. No dust had settled. It had only been twelve hours since she was truly back in his arms. And they had spent most of that time together sleeping. Not enough time to acclimate or digest everything that had happened to them. It had barely been twenty-four hours since he got her out of there alive.
His mind immediately jumped back to the springhouse. The musty smell and the damp air. Witnessing Brenda's assault. Helpless to stop it. Clay…his remorseless stare and then his dead stare. Jessie…tied down and…
'Shut up. Shut up,' he told himself. Trying to push those thoughts from his mind. 'You need to be stronger than this…you have to be.'
He focused on the blackness of his eyelids next and tried again to slow his racing heart. 'Just focus on her. You can do that. That's like breathing.' He could feel himself relaxing as he thought about her.
Jonny felt his facial expression change as she walked down the stairs of the Compound in a black dress he had never seen her in before. His eyes widened and his lips parted enough that the next breath he took was a loud one.
"You look amazing," he swallowed and shook his head. Like he was confused. Like it was the first time he had seen her dressed up. She stopped short on the stairs at his compliment and gave him a soft smile. His only indication that he had said it out loud. That had not been his intention, but the words came out in an awkward rush anyway. Without a second thought. His reaction to how incredible she looked took him by surprise. He could not recall ever feeling quite that way. Struggling to put his finger on the best word to describe it.
He was frozen in place and staring at her. A playful slap upside his head brought him back to reality. Courtesy of Race. "Close your damned mouth, Romeo."
"DAD," Jessie yelled. But Race was out the door to wait for them before she made it the rest of the way down the stairs.
Jonny's eyes never left her. "Are you walking towards me in slow motion right now?" he teased. "Or is my brain doing that on its own?"
"Shut up," she laughed. Reaching him and then gripping the lapels on his tuxedo. She was not much shorter than him in her heels, but still had to lift up on her toes a bit for a quick kiss. He leaned down for another before her heels touched the ground.
She smiled into his eager kiss and pulled on his lapels to keep him close. He wrapped his hands around her face, but only briefly. Ending the embrace reluctantly before Race came looking for them. "Hi," he whispered.
She bit her lip and flattened her hands against his chest to fix his lapels. "You look so handsome."
Jonny looked her up and down. "New dress?"
She nodded. "You like?"
"It's okay," he shrugged noncommittally.
She punched him in the stomach and rolled her eyes before walking away with a laugh.
"Baby," he admonished, crouching over slightly and holding his stomach. "Between you and your dad…. Come on."
"Sorry, love." She kept walking.
"No. You're not," he trotted to keep up with her, throwing an arm across her shoulders as they walked out the front door. A limo was waiting in the driveway to take them to another boring fundraiser. Jonny always felt up for supporting a good cause, but he could do without the schmoozing. "Don't you need a jacket?" he asked.
"It's eighty degrees out, Quest. Don't be ridiculous," she slapped his butt and giggled.
"Right," he sighed. "Ya know, I thought you'd STOP hitting me once we started sleeping together," he whispered.
"I never agreed to those terms," she teased. "If that's part of the deal, well…"
He cut her off, sliding his arm down her back and around her waist instead. He spun her around in a quick circle and she laughed. Then he leaned down and whispered into her hair. "You don't need to keep hitting me to show how much you like me. Letting me inside you is proof enough." She flushed at his words and he grinned.
"Will you two get in the damned car," Race demanded. "Let's go!"
"What's his problem," Jonny grumbled. "I'm the one getting slapped or punched every two minutes."
Jessie cleared her throat. "You mean besides the fact that he'd choose torture over attending another fundraiser?"
"He's not the only one," Jonny complained. "These things are getting old."
"Look on the bright side," she reasoned and picked up the pace. "We get to network with some pretty impressive people."
"That's your bright side. Not mine," he shot back. "Impressive people who think they're impressive and love to talk about it are of little interest to me."
"I know," she admitted. "It's not about that. Jonny…"
"Babe, I understand the concept of networking," he interrupted. "But I don't care to do it EVERY other Saturday night of our last summer together."
"It's not our last summer together," she softened.
"You know what I mean," he told her, opening the car door and helping her into the limo. He slid in beside her and went quiet. The way he always did when his mind raced over the reality that she was leaving soon. During the ride, he noticed her inquisitive stares out of the corner of his eye. He stayed quiet. She laced her fingers through his and squeezed.
Jonny pulled himself out of the funk by the time they arrived. It never made him feel better to wallow in it anyway. She squeezed his hand again as they walked into the party and did not let go when Benton introduced them to the host. They broke off on their own thirty seconds after it was socially acceptable.
"Jonny…"
"Mine is you," he rushed.
"Hmm?" She gave him a confused stare.
"My bright side," he explained. "Yours is networking. Mine's you in this dress."
Her face morphed from confusion into that soft smile again and she blushed. "I love you, Quest."
XXX
Race and Estella approached slowly and Jessie avoided eye contact expertly. At first by staring hard at the closed bathroom door and then by shifting her gaze down to her lap when her parents sat on either side of her bed.
Estella grabbed her daughter's hand and allowed herself a small smile when Jessie gave it a squeeze.
Race shifted closer, but did not touch her. "Look at me?" he asked quietly.
She did and the sad look on her father's face overwhelmed her immediately. "Damnit," Jessie whispered defeatedly and closed her eyes. She did not bother wiping at her face this time. Not seeing the point.
Race lifted a hand to do it himself, but dropped it just as fast. Digging his fist into the bed instead.
"How are you feeling?" Estella asked.
Jessie took a while to answer. Waiting until she trusted her voice not to break. She opened her eyes and flicked them to the bathroom door again. "I've had better days," she sighed.
Race turned to look at it too. He did not want to leave her, but offered anyway. "Do you want me to talk to him?"
"No," she shook her head firmly. "Leave him alone. He's…" she trailed off.
"Jessie?" Estella pushed.
Jessie shrugged and sniffed. "I want to give him space when he needs it, okay?"
"Okay," Estella agreed.
"He's doing his best," Jessie snapped, ripping her hand away and crossing her arms. "Don't give him a hard time, mom. He doesn't deserve it and I won't stand for it at all."
"I wasn't planning to give him a hard time," Estella responded calmly to the outburst. "I was planning to give him a ton of slack actually. He did save my daughter's life after all."
Jessie visibly deflated. Dropping her head. "Sorry," she said lamely. "Reflex."
"It's more than fine," Estella promised and then stood. "I was planning to give you a ton of slack too." She leaned over and kissed Jessie's temple. Jessie leaned into it. "I'll be right back, sweetheart. I need to run to the gift shop." She smiled at Race and then left them to talk.
Race stared at the top of Jessie's head for only a moment before putting two fingers under her chin and lifting her face. Her silent tears just about broke him.
"I don't mean to snap at her like that," Jessie deflected. "I'm not used to her giving him ANY slack…I guess I don't trust it yet."
"I know. More my fault than his," Race offered in Estella's defense. "Obviously."
"That's NEVER been an acceptable reason," she grumbled. "Not to me."
Race sighed deeply and considered his words carefully. "You have so much anger boiling up inside you right now," he started. "Rightfully so and it needs to come out," he continued. "I know you don't want to take it out on Jonny…"
"Why would I?" she interrupted angrily. "He doesn't deserve that," she insisted again.
"He doesn't…but neither does your mother," Race added quietly.
Jessie looked away and dissolved into more tears instead of arguing. After a few minutes of rubbing her back and letting her get it out, Race cleared his throat and gently turned her face back to meet his gaze. "I forget sometimes how much I've come to rely on my training in my normal day-to-day," he swallowed. "I'm not used to being at a disadvantage," he admitted next. Uncomfortably.
"How so?" she perked up a little. Wiping at her face.
"Well," he smiled wryly. "Through careful and painstaking observation over the years…I thought I knew how to make you feel better no matter what the situation. There was a lot of trial and error of course…."
She laughed a little. "You could say that. Remember when you bought me a training bra because you thought it'd make me feel better?"
Race scoffed. "I try not to remember that. Or the three hours I spent in the mall trying to figure out what I should buy in the first place."
Jessie laughed again. Just thinking about that scene. "You must've been so uncomfortable."
He shrugged. "Out of my element certainly. But you're worth it."
Jessie pitched forward and hugged him at that. Taking him by surprise. "Thank you."
Race closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around her too. "What can I do?" he asked. He needed her to tell him this time. "You know I'll do anything, right?"
"I always know that," she whispered. "I know it doesn't seem like it to look at me, but I am alright. I promise," she insisted. "It's just been a long few days."
Race sat back and put his hands on her shoulders. "That's an understatement," he offered.
"I suppose," she shrugged.
"You didn't answer my question," he pointed out.
"Because I don't know how," she responded honestly. "I'm not sure what I need. Except to go home and to feel normal again. Any secret spy tricks to help with that?" she quirked an eyebrow and smirked.
He laughed. "Hmm…I've certainly taught you enough to break yourself out and get home, but I wouldn't recommend trying."
She rolled her eyes. "Like I could get through you and Jonny anyway," she sighed. "…in my current state," she quickly amended. "Any other day and you two wouldn't stand a chance."
"Naturally," he smiled proudly and then sobered. "I can't help you with feeling normal either. Because you're special, Jessie."
"Ugh," she giggled. "Such a dad thing to say."
"Sorry," he chuckled. "Couldn't resist."
After a long moment, she stared at him and spoke confidently. "I really am okay. Promise."
He stared back. Wheels spinning. "It's alright to admit that you're not indestructible," he whispered. He needed her to know that. He watched her face change as he said it. Understanding how she felt. "I know it's a…hard pill to swallow."
"Yeah," she nodded.
"I know exactly how hard," he told her outright.
"You do?" she asked skeptically.
"Yes," he swallowed. "I'm far from indestructible. I've just perfected the illusion through years of practice."
"Can you teach me how to do that too?" she asked in a small voice. Hopeful.
"No," he shook his head.
"You said you'd do anything," she pointed out.
He smiled. She was his daughter. "Perspective and time have taught me…" he stopped. Knowing she could never understand what he was about to say without her own perspective and time.
"Dad?"
"Anything doesn't include teaching you a bad habit," he raised an eyebrow. "I thought that was implicit."
"I don't agree that it's a bad habit," she challenged. "It's a tool that could be really valuable in the right situation."
"What does a mechanical engineer need that tool for?" he shot back.
"It's a competitive environment…"
"Which you'll excel in," he cut her off. "Using your given intelligence and confidence. Just like Benton. That's all you need."
Jessie sighed. Knowing that he would not be convinced to change his mind. "You don't want to give me an edge?" Last ditch effort.
"That's not why you're asking to learn," he stated bluntly. "I won't help you shut down on the people who love you, Jess. I know from experience that you'd regret it in the end. But I'll tell you my story sometime." He cocked his head to the side and rolled his eyes. "The version where I'm not infallible. If you want to know…"
She stared at him in shock for a moment. Mouth agape. "I would," she smiled and then relaxed.
Race seized the opportunity, taking a deep breath and then finally asking. "Tell me what happened to you? The truth please."
Her eyes jumped in fear and he almost took the words back until he realized that she was not looking at him any longer. She was looking over his shoulder.
He spun around and understood her reaction. "Shit," he cursed and then turned back to her quickly. Benton and Hadji had not come alone.
Her eyes were closed and she was taking big breaths. "You can do this. You can do this."
"You don't HAVE to do this," Race growled and stood. "I'll get rid of them."
"It's fine," she insisted. He stared at her critically. "I can do this, dad."
The room started to fill with people before either of them could say another word. Benton was the first through the door and offered them both apologetic looks. Hadji did the same, but he went straight to Jessie's side.
"I'm sorry," he told her. "So sorry."
It was so heartfelt she almost started crying again. Instead, she pulled him into a hug and happily buried her head in his shoulder to avoid reality for a few more moments. "For what?" she asked.
"For what happened to you. For not doing more to help. For going along with keeping you in the dark earlier. For everything…" he trailed off.
"Wow," she pulled him closer. "Sounds like you owe me a pretty big favor."
They both laughed and it felt good. "You have nothing to be sorry for," she promised. Lifting her head to look at him while she said it. "You did what you thought was right. Like always. Don't be so hard on yourself. You're as bad as your brother."
"How is he?" Hadji deflected.
"I could tell you, but you already know. You know him as well as me," she shrugged.
Jessie squeezed Hadji's hand and then resolved herself with looking around the room. She stared at the bathroom door first. Thinking about him and worrying about his reaction to a room full of people. Then her eyes fell on her father. His parents were fussing over him so she had a few minutes before they turned on her. Dr. Quest and her other grandmother were hovering close to her bed. Seemingly waiting for her cue. Her friends were milling around behind her family. Her breath hitched when she caught sight of Tyler and her face went white.
'What the hell?' she thought. 'You've got to be kidding me.'
She swallowed and then turned calmly to Hadji who had been watching her. "I'm sorry," he apologized again. "He must've jumped into one of the cars. I didn't notice him in the lobby before we left."
"Get him out of here discreetly?" she asked quietly. "I can't handle Jonny getting arrested twice in one day."
"Of course," he squeezed her hand and then left. Jessie looked at the bathroom door one more time before turning to Dr. Quest with a forced smile.
XXX
"Mom," he grabbed her wrists gently to stop her fussing. "I'm fine. I was never in any danger."
"Don't give me that," she scolded. "You put yourself in danger every single day. You don't get to make me feel crazy for worrying about my kid."
Race sighed and pulled her into another hug. "You're right. I'm sorry."
Sarah let go reluctantly and then wiped at her face with a handkerchief. "I've been driving your father crazy," she laughed.
Race glanced at Jack with a knowing grin. His steadfast father just grinned in return and wrapped an arm around his wife. Race found himself jealous of their relationship and not for the first time.
"How is she?" Sarah asked, glancing at Jessie.
"Strong," Race nodded proudly. "…but overwhelmed," he added. "I'd appreciate it if you could help with keeping this a short visit?"
"Of course," Jack promised. "And Jonny?"
"Same," Race offered. "Taking a shower." Then he turned to check in on Jessie. She was talking to her other grandmother, but nervously glancing in the opposite direction as she spoke.
That was how Race noticed Hadji trying to quietly usher Tyler out of the room. But Tyler was resisting. Race saw red. He stalked over and did not worry about being discreet. He took a different approach than Hadji. Instead of talking, he dug his fingers into Tyler's shoulder and forcefully removed him from the room as everyone watched and Tyler tried to pull away. Race tightened his grip and kept moving until they reached the elevators. Ignoring Tyler's pleas that it hurt. Race slapped the elevator button with his free hand and seethed as they waited.
"You picked the wrong day, boy."
"Why's that?" Tyler asked snidely. Trying unsuccessfully to pull away again. "That hurts," he yelled.
Race whipped his head around and glared until Tyler shrank under his gaze. Then he spoke through his teeth. "Because I need someone to take my anger out on. You're perfect."
The elevator doors opened and Race pushed Tyler in roughly.
"I can see myself out," Tyler announced loudly. Rubbing his injured shoulder. "This is assault."
Race stepped into the elevator with authority. Unconcerned with the accusation or the witnesses. "You're harassing my daughter," Race shot back. Deadly calm. "I'll make sure you leave and stay away…since I wasn't clear the first time you entitled prick."
Tyler instinctively shifted into the corner of the elevator and put his hands up. "Listen…"
"Shut your mouth," Race interrupted, pushing the button that would take them down to the garage.
"Do you know who my father is?" Tyler threatened.
"Yes," Race laughed. "And I don't give a fuck. Now. Shut. Up." The rest of the ride was in silence.
Race laughed again at Tyler's pathetic attempt to bolt when the elevator doors opened to reveal the first floor of the garage. Race gripped the collar of Tyler's t-shirt, pulling him back and then dragging him out into the open space. "You've been SO insistent about inserting yourself into my daughter's life," Race started. "You don't get to run away now. She's said her piece. I think Jonny made his opinion very clear. Now it's my turn…"
"Fine. I'll stay away," Tyler insisted. "She's not worth this."
"Wow," Race huffed. "Your daddy must have a BIG building named after him at Harvard because you're not too bright." Race pressed him – face first – into the nearest cement pillar. Hard. It was painted red with the number one in bright white as a marker for drivers to remember where they parked. The harder Tyler fought, the harder Race pressed. Race stayed quiet until Tyler stopped fighting. He wanted Tyler to listen to his words and internalize them.
"Your dad's in real estate, right? A big success?" he asked rhetorically. "Your mom has a small issue with prescription pills," he continued matter-of-factly. "My guess is that dad's mistress in New York doesn't help with that."
Tyler started to fight again, but Race took the same tactic. Pressing him into the cement hard until he tired himself out. Then Race continued as if they were having a casual conversation.
"You have two younger sisters. Natalie and Rebecca. They're both really into soccer right now. You run a small business on the side at school. Not QUITE legal, is it? Want me to keep going?"
"How do you know all that?" Tyler asked nervously. At least he was smart enough not to deny it.
"Did Jessie ever tell you what I do?" Race asked quietly. But it sounded more like a threat.
"No," Tyler offered.
"I remove bad people from the lives of good people," Race said simply. "By whatever means necessary. And since you don't have the common decency to stay away on your own, know that I WILL ruin your life and not lose one wink of sleep over it if I ever see you again." He let go and took a step back.
Tyler turned around slowly and then scampered off without looking back.
Race watched Tyler run, but it did not have the desired effect of making him feel better. Instead, he thought about the conversation he had tried to start with Jessie before they were interrupted with visitors. He still wanted to kill someone.
He walked back to her room on a mission. Intent on kicking everyone out, but she seemed okay when he got there. Uncomfortable, but okay. She was flanked by grandparents. She made him as proud as ever. He winked when she gave him a worried look and he smiled when it seemed to relax her a little.
Then the smell of takeout hit his nose and he could not ignore the hunger any longer. "You hungry, Jess?"
"Yes," she grinned.
XXX
About two hours into the party, Jonny figured out the word to describe how he had felt watching her come down the stairs before they left for the Compound.
Possessive.
She looked beautiful and other men were noticing. Her dress was simple. Thin straps, tight through her waist and then flowy down to an inch above her knees. The top part of the dress looked like it was braided together at the side seems. Showing off small hints of skin. His thumb kept finding its way through the fabric to touch her.
He thought he saw someone looking at her no matter which direction he turned. He watched the faces of all the men she networked with as she spoke. It was never long before their eyes started to wander. At one point, he made a game of it. Estimating an over/under and then counting off the seconds in his head. One guy was so obvious that Jonny coughed loudly to make his annoyance just as obvious. Jessie made a gracious excuse and pulled him away before he could do more than cough.
He crossed his arms and she put a hand on each elbow once they were away from the crowd. She was smiling at him softly again and that made him relax.
"Tighten up, baby. It's not the end of the world," she whispered. "It's human nature to break eye contact. It's human nature to look at someone you may find attractive. As long as they're not being creepy about it, which they're not…only YOU think they are," she said firmly. "I'm not offended, Jonny. I want to meet these people. I want them to remember me. Honestly…we don't all have Benton Quest as a father," she teased.
He rolled his eyes. "Yeah…your dad is such a slacker."
"Different kind of power and you know it," she shot back. "It's…"
"And my father likes you more than me," he cut her off.
"Now you're really being ridiculous," she crossed her arms too.
He grinned. Trying to make her smile. "Well…different kind of love, but still strong and you know it. My dad would help you open any door you wanted to walk through, Jessie. You don't need these people."
"I know," she offered. "And maybe I'll need to take him up on that someday…if my pride can take the hit. But I'd rather make my own connections."
He nodded. He could understand that better than most.
"You good?" she asked after a few more quiet moments alone.
Jonny stared at his feet. He could not blame anyone for noticing her. He was her biggest fan and could list countless reasons why she was the most noticeable person in any room. But being incredibly aware of the attention she received, instead of being caught off guard by it like normal, was so much worse. And it made him think about how much it would happen once she was off to college without him, which was a train of thought he wanted to avoid.
'Fuck.'
He sighed heavily.
"What's wrong?" she pushed. "I don't want to argue with you."
"I'm not angry," he clarified quickly. "I'm just an insecure jerk," he huffed and then looked away.
"Jonny…" she trailed off.
He leaned forward and kissed her temple. "I need to use the restroom. Try to stay out of trouble, love."
"If you insist," she grinned. "Hey," she called out when he was only a few feet away.
He turned back around and was rewarded with a firm kiss that lasted longer than he expected. And he sunk into it. She had never been big on public displays of affection. Even when her father was not around. When she pulled away, she kept their foreheads together and played with the hair on the back of his neck.
"I love you, Quest."
"You know I'm just going to the bathroom, right? Not running away?" He caught both her hands when she went to push him away. He kissed both and winked as he left.
His reprieve was short-lived. He sighed heavily again when he caught sight of her next. Her back was to him and she was already talking to someone else. A younger man. He had no desire to do this for another two hours.
He caught the tail end of their conversation and that made him want to leave even more.
"That's brilliant," the man praised. "You think differently than most. That's clear."
"I don't know about that," she deflected. "But thank you for the compliment. It was nice to meet you," she extended her hand.
"When can I see you again?" the man asked boldly.
"I'm sure I'll see you at another one of these in the future," she responded politely.
Jonny stood behind her quietly and tried not to be irked when she did not come right out and say 'no' or that she was taken. The man was too focused on her to notice him. It bothered Jonny more than he wanted to admit that she had not noticed him either. Even though her back was still to him. If the situation had been reversed, he was convinced he would have noticed her. It was irrational, but he was pissed off anyway.
"I'd hate to leave our next meeting to chance," the man grinned. "Can I take you out next weekend?"
"I'm flattered, but no…"
"I haven't been able to take my eyes off you all night," the man interrupted her bluntly.
Jonny did not wait for her response this time. "Then you must have noticed me too," he spoke up. Keeping his eyes on the man when Jessie turned around. "Seeing as she's been with me the entire evening."
"Can't say that I did," the man shrugged and extended his hand to Jonny. "Can you blame me? Jeremiah," he introduced. "You are?"
Jonny clenched his jaw, but he shook Jeremiah's hand. "The boyfriend," was all he offered.
Jeremiah nodded at him and then turned back to Jessie, handing her a card. "Call me when you're looking for something more mature."
Jessie immediately pressed her palm into the middle of Jonny's chest. "Let him walk away," she warned.
Jonny turned to face the opposite direction and she moved to stand in front of him. He stared at her for a minute and then pursed his lips. "Want to take a walk?" he tried to redirect the conversation. "Check this place out? We've been walking in a circle for hours talking to strangers."
"Sure," she grabbed his hand and let him lead her.
He did not know why she was going easy on him, but he appreciated it.
The benefit was being held at someone's personal residence. It was standard for such a place to be rented out for the evening with several sections roped off to the partygoers. The house was not as big as the Compound, but Jonny ventured to guess it had at least twelve bedrooms, more bathrooms and likely several other amenities popular to these mini-mansions. He had been in enough to know.
They walked around the perimeter of the party slowly in a comfortable silence and avoided new conversation. By the time they had walked far enough to hear their own voices at a normal level, most of the house was roped off. They peeked down each hallway curiously, but most were darkened and not much was visible a few feet by the ropes. They walked until the music all but faded and Jonny enjoyed the way she rubbed the pad of her thumb over his skin as she held his hand.
He was lost in his own thoughts until she stopped short and peered down the hallway to her right. "What is it?" he asked.
"I think that painting is a Hume," she whispered in awe. "Do you think it is?"
Jonny stepped over the rope and grinned when she gave him an alarmed look. "Let's go find out," he suggested.
"Jonny…"
"Come on," he laughed. "Where's your sense of adventure? Admiring a painting is hardly a crime. What's the worst that could happen?"
She raised an eyebrow. "We get kicked out, embarrass your father and don't come to any more of these this summer. You would just hate that, huh?" she finished sarcastically.
"Fine," he shrugged. "I'll go admire it myself," he let go of her hand and walked backwards down the hallway. He watched as she nervously looked both ways to make sure they were alone. He chuckled when she took off her shoes to erase the clack of her heels and stepped over the rope to join him.
He wrapped his hand around her waist as she moved closer to the painting. "Wow," she breathed. "I think this is an original."
Once his eyes adjusted to the dark, he looked down the hallway and guided her away from the painting. "There's more," he told her. They walked through the exhibit slowly. He watched her as she enjoyed each work of art and held her close.
"These are amazing," she praised.
"Did you know he's in the Royal Academy?" Jonny offered.
"Is that really true?" she asked. Looking up at him in surprise with a beaming smile.
"It is," he scoffed. "Fact check me, baby."
"Why do you know that?" she pushed. "You barely tolerate contemporary art."
"True. But I love the way you light up when you talk about it," he smiled. "Makes me wanna know more."
She bit her lip. "Keep surprising me?"
Jonny did not think again before acting. He trailed his hand from her waist to the hem of her dress and then under it lightning fast.
"Jonny…Jonny," she stiffened, but did not pull away.
He turned until his back was facing the opening of the hallway and tugged until her back was flush against his chest. He took the shoes from her left hand, so she would not drop them, and then he slipped his palm down the front of her underwear.
Her head slammed into his shoulder, her breath hitched and her hips arched into his hand. "You should stop," she said through her teeth, but it was not convincing.
He kissed her neck and walked her to the closest door. Never letting up with his hand. Pressing her into the wood. Harder than he intended. She moaned softly and that made him press against her more. With a sense of urgency he could not control. "Little help?" he mumbled into her skin. Sounding like he has just finished a run. "My hands are full, baby."
"Oh my god," she reached blindly for the handle. Jonny pushed forward as soon as he heard the door click open.
He led her to the nearest wall with the hand he had pressed into her center. She moved with him like it was the most natural thing in the world. He dropped her shoes and locked the door as he stalked closer. He leaned over and watched her intensely as he pleasured her. Her mouth dropped open and she was holding onto his tuxedo jacket in a death grip. In the darkness and the silence of whatever room they were in, he did not care where they were, every sound felt amplified. From his heavy breathing to her noises of encouragement. From the rustling of their clothing to the distinct sound of his fingers moving inside her.
"Fuck," he groaned. Moving even closer and burying his head in her neck. Focusing on all of that made him even harder and he desperately wanted her to feel it. Reading his mind, she reached between them and pressed her hand into his arousal. "I love you."
"I want…mmm," she turned her head and kissed his hair.
He lifted his head to stare at her again. "What's that?"
"I'm trying to decide," she swallowed and stretched her neck to kiss him. "How…how I want you to make me come."
"It's not your choice," he told her heatedly. "It's mine," he stepped back and took his hands with him. She stayed pressed against the wall. Breathing heavily and watching him. He licked his fingers and grinned as he did it. "You're mine, beautiful."
He unzipped his pants and pulled out his erection. Then he strode forward again and wrapped an arm around her waist. He lifted her off the ground and moved deeper into the room without a plan. Just impatient to have her.
Jonny sat her on the first piece of furniture he came across. He barely registered that it was a piano as he reached under her dress hurriedly and pulled her underwear to the side. Then he pushed inside her just as eagerly. He bit his lip hard to keep from being too loud and he dropped his head. Focusing on her warmth. It felt so good. When he lifted his eyes to look at her, her hands were fisted and pressed into the piano. Her head tossed back. He stepped closer, placing his hands over hers and then licking the column of her neck.
She lifted her head as he did it and she bit his ear at the same time he bit hers.
"Ha," he panted, moving in short quick thrusts against her.
"You make me feel insane," she whimpered. "You're…It's only you."
He straightened and gripped her hips. "Lie back," he growled.
She did and lifted her arms over her head with a satisfied grin. She locked her ankles behind his back and he started to move again. Longer strokes this time, but still fast. He was lost in her. His head was swimming and he could feel his orgasm building already. He knew he would not last long enough. Especially when she arched her back and reached for the zipper of her dress. She stared at him and pulled the straps down teasingly slow. In complete opposition to how quickly his hips were moving.
"Please," he whispered as she freed her breasts for him. "Baby," he called out. Burying his head in her chest. Moving even faster. Focusing on his pleasure only.
He moaned her name into her skin when he came. "Jessie."
The next thing he remembered was her fingers combing through his hair. He felt happy and lethargic and he wanted to take her home.
He stood again slowly and moved his eyes up her body just as slow. Eventually focusing in on her face. She was biting her lip to hold back a laugh. She started to chuckle once his eyes reach hers. He could not help but look at her chest moving as she laughed.
"Finished marking your territory, stud?"
"No." Jonny gripped her hips and slid her further from the piano's edge. Slipping out of her. "Give me your hands," he ordered.
She did and then he dipped his head under her dress and began kissing her passionately. Using the leverage of his hands to keep her pressed against the piano.
"Jonny," she whispered.
He could taste them both on his tongue. He did not care. He did not care if someone walked in the room either. He only cared about making her feel as good as she had just made him feel. About hearing her say his name. He hummed against her. He felt her legs shake and then close around his head. He felt her come against his lips and tongue and heard her say his name on repeat while she did. Then he leaned back and watched her recover.
'I love her so much,' he thought. As he watched and tried to make himself look presentable again.
After they both caught their breath, he pulled her off the piano and held her close while she got her legs under her.
"How do I look?" she asked after a minute. "Truth."
"Beautiful," he said immediately.
"Let me rephrase," she rolled her eyes. "Do I look like you just fucked me?" she asked more bluntly.
"Yes," he smiled big.
She pushed against his chest and laughed. "You need to find me a bathroom. Now. And if we run into anyone along the way you're not getting laid for a month."
"Challenge accepted," he grabbed her hand and headed for the door.
"That was meant to be a threat. Not a challenge, baby."
XXX
She was quiet as they walked back to the party together hand in hand.
"Dance with me?" he asked before the music got too loud. Partly because he knew it would make her happy. Partly because he did not want to share.
She smiled as he led her onto the floor and pulled her close. She smiled bigger when an up-tempo song played and he still pretended it was a slow one anyway.
They danced for a half hour before she finally asked. "I realize how horrible the timing was, but still…was that reaction to some stranger asking me out really necessary?"
Jonny's smile faded. "Do you really think it's a coincidence he walked over during the two minutes I wasn't attached to your hip?" he shot back.
"Of course not," she agreed. "Do you really think I considered his offer for even a second? Do you really think if I spend two minutes, or two months or two years getting to know someone just as interesting and funny and sweet as you, that he could compare? Even then? To the history that we share? To the complete hold you have on my heart?"
He digested her words. Tried to memorize them. "I'm sorry. I don't like myself when I act like this," he swallowed. "That isn't an excuse…it's just the truth. I hate the way they look at you. Even when I'm holding your hand right in front of them. I understand it, but I hate it and it drives me crazy sometimes."
"I get it," she said quietly. "Pretty sure my truth is the same and you've had to reassure me once or twice…or a hundred times," she laughed. "You're really good at making me feel better when I start to doubt why you'd pick me."
"All I do is tell you the truth," he kissed her. "You're everything to me, Bannon."
There was that smile again. "So let them look then," she shrugged. "You're the one that gets to take me home."
Jonny woke with a start and was disoriented for a moment. Once he realized where he was, he grinned and let the memory come back to him. It was a great one. Always calmed him and made him laugh a little. But not because of the way she looked or the way that Race had given him a hard time. It was not even the sex. It was the way she had smiled at him all that night. Like he was the only one in the room. He needed to get back to her. He looked at his watch nervously and let out a relieved sigh. He had only fallen asleep for a few minutes.
He stood slowly and turned off the shower. That was when he heard several voices in her room and knew immediately what had happened.
'Shit,' he thought. Both selfishly because he did not want to deal with it and out of guilt because she already was.
He thought about wetting his hair so it seemed like he had actually been taking a shower instead of hiding out, but what was the point? He could not think of a good one. He avoided looking in the mirror when he made it over to the sink. Instead, he stared at the water running down the drain until it went ice cold. He splashed his face a few times and then straightened.
"You can do this. You can do this."
He opened the door and every eye in the room turned at the noise. "Hi," he offered lamely. He looked at Jessie first and she smiled. She seemed alright and she was eating. That made him feel better. Before he could go to her, he was smacked in the chest so hard that it knocked the wind out of him and he had to take a step back to absorb it. Arms wrapped around his midsection and he looked down in surprise to be greeted by a head of hair. He raised his hands awkwardly and then patted her back gently. "You alright, Mary?"
He tried not to sound annoyed, but was unsure he had pulled it off. He looked at Jessie again and she gave him the 'be nice' face so he kept quiet and patted Mary on the back a few more times. He supposed he was being too harsh. She had never been through something like this before. It was not normal that he and Jessie had a reference point.
Mary stepped away after another moment and then walked by him into the bathroom without a word. Jonny shook his head in confusion and then jammed his hands into his pockets. He did not know what to do next. He did not want to have casual conversation over dinner. He did not have enough patience left in his reserves to fake his way through it. He did want to go to Jessie, but she was surrounded.
The room fell silent, which made him feel even more uncomfortable. He wiped at his forehead. Unclear if the wetness there was sweat or left over from the water he had splashed on his face. He was fighting the instinct to run again, but this time he wanted desperately to take her with him.
Jessie broke the quiet. "Jonny, can you go check on Brenda for me? Please? I'd like an update."
Jonny snapped out of his selfish bubble at her words. He walked toward her like she was the only one in the room and Sarah moved aside so he could sit by her instead. Jonny pushed her food away and pulled her into his arms.
"I appreciate what you're doing," he whispered so only she would hear. "But I'm not leaving you right now."
She held on tighter. "Let me save you this time?" she whispered back.
"Jess…" he trailed off. Not sure how to respond to that.
She stroked his hair and then rested her hand on his neck. "This taking care of each other thing will go much smoother if we take turns. You have to let me take care of you too. Remember our deal, babe?"
"Feels wrong right now," he argued. "Besides, I'm fine."
'Liar,' she thought. "But you could be better?" she said instead.
"I'm not leaving you to deal with a room full of people," he pushed.
"I can handle my own family and friends. Please go take care of my best friend?" she asked. "And then come back and save me again?" She dropped her head and kissed his shoulder.
Jonny smiled. Amazed by her. "I fall deeper every day, beautiful."
"Me too."
He leaned back and kissed her firmly in front of everyone. "I love you." Then he stood and looked around the room quickly, nodding a few times. "See you all soon."
Jessie's eyes connected with Hadji's hurriedly as Jonny left. She nodded toward the door for him to follow. She smiled when Dr. Quest went too. She knew he would feel better if they got him to talk.
"Let's eat," she told everyone else. Reaching for her own food again.
XXX
Jonny felt like the Race-sized weight was lifted from his chest as soon as he left the room.
'I love her,' he thought passionately. The guilt was still there, but it felt good to let her take care of him too. It felt good that she wanted to do something so selfless for him.
"Wait up."
Jonny turned and saw his father and brother walking fast to catch up with him. He stopped and let them. They stood in silence for a moment before Benton broke it.
"When's the last time you ate, son?"
"I can't remember," Jonny answered honestly.
"How about we check out the cafeteria?" Benton suggested. "See if they have anything edible?"
Jonny nodded and let them lead the way.
He thought about her as they walked. About how selfless she was acting. About the fact that she was transferring to be with him. It made him feel warm all over. He would never call her selfish. She was not. But when it came to selfless acts in their relationship specifically, he had tended to take the lead on those over the years. Now it felt more balanced. His partner. He smiled bigger.
"What are you thinking about?" Benton asked. Noticing the smile.
"Jessie," he answered without hesitation. "I love her so much."
"I know you do."
"No," Jonny shook his head. "I really…REALLY love her."
Benton chuckled. "Yes. You've made that quite clear, son."
XXX
"When's the last time we all sat around eating tuna fish sandwiches?" Benton asked.
The three of them had grabbed the sandwiches quickly and found a quiet table in the corner of the cafeteria.
"Probably the last time Mrs. Evans took a day off," Jonny quipped and dug in. He was so hungry even a hospital tuna fish sandwich tasted amazing.
"I think it was the weekend of the pink lemonade incident," Hadji offered. "Mrs. Evans was off and Race had taken Jessie to dinner to get her out of the house."
That made Jonny laugh out loud. A big belly laugh at the memory. "Jess was SO mad at me that day. Oh wow…I had blocked that out. She's so freaking scary when she's that pissed at me."
"Then why do you have a huge smile on your face?" Hadji asked.
"It's hard to explain," Jonny shrugged, focusing back on his food. He rested his eyes when he finished eating. Feeling relaxed and thinking about how much he loved making up with her after she got scary mad at him. That was always fun.
"How are you?" Benton eventually asked. Breaking into Jonny's thoughts.
Jonny opened his eyes and looked at Hadji instead of his father. "I'm gonna need an Olivia update before I answer any questions."
"Who's Olivia?" Benton asked.
"Thank you very much," Hadji rolled his eyes. "And sure, I'll let you deflect attention to me if you're not ready to talk," he called his brother out.
"Appreciate it," Jonny grinned. "So…did you call her or what?"
"Yes," Hadji sighed. "You didn't give me much of a choice after that mini-speech before you were arrested."
"That was the plan," Jonny laughed.
"Who's Olivia?" Benton asked again.
"Hadji's girlfriend," Jonny answered.
"She's not my girlfriend," Hadji rushed, turning toward his father.
"Sorry," Jonny corrected. "He just really wants her to be his girlfriend."
"Jonny," Hadji scoffed. "Please stop."
"Did you do what I told you?" Jonny asked.
"Yes," Hadji sighed.
"Did she agree to go out with you?" Jonny pushed.
"Yes," Hadji cracked a smile.
"Then why would I stop?" Jonny laughed again. "I'm clearly helping. You didn't have a date twenty-four hours ago."
Hadji shook his head. Embarrassed, but happy. "I hate you."
"No. You don't. And yes, I'll keep helping you. Don't worry."
"Will I regret involving you?" Hadji asked.
"Probably," Jonny laughed some more.
Benton sat back and smiled at the exchange. Although he was surprised to hear Hadji's news. They were both really growing up on him.
Hadji looked at their father again. "It's not a big deal," he assured.
"Sounds wonderful," Benton responded. "And I'm sure she's wonderful if you like her."
"Thanks, father."
Jonny's smile faded when they both turned back to him. "My turn?" he swallowed.
"Yes," Benton said simply. "Talk."
"I'm fine," Jonny offered quickly. Standing. "Bottom line…I'm fine. We should get back. It's not fair for me to leave her alone this long."
"She's not alone," Benton argued.
"I meant alone with a big group of people. Where she has to pretend that she's fine when she's NOT fine," Jonny shot back. Immediately frustrated. "You know that's what I meant."
"That's why she sent you away, isn't it?" Benton asked calmly. "So YOU don't have to pretend? How about we don't waste her gift?"
Jonny stared down at the table for a moment conflicted. Then he heard a chair squeak against the floor and Hadji was standing too. "I'll go back and be her buffer."
Jonny opened his mouth to disagree, but Hadji had already started to walk away.
"There's a courtyard close to her room," Benton offered. "Let's get some fresh air and talk?"
Jonny hesitated, but agreed.
XXX
Hadji was surprised to find only Jessie, Estella and Race in the room when he got back. "Quick visit," he commented.
"Mercifully," Race teased. "My mother helped to marshal everyone out pretty fast."
"Where's Jonny?" Jessie interrupted impatiently. "Can you go get him please?"
"Father wanted to speak with him alone," Hadji offered. "But he sent me back to save you in the interim."
"Alright," Jessie smiled. "Gives me a chance to grill you about this Olivia I guess. Tell me everything. Why is she good enough for you?"
Hadji made a distressed noise and dropped his head between his shoulders. "Not you too. With everything going on…when did he even have time to work that into conversation. And why?" Hadji scoffed.
"Uh…he made time," Jessie shot back. "Because it's important."
"Who's Olivia?" Race asked.
Hadji glared at Jessie who was grinning at him evilly. "You and my brother are perfect for each other."
"I already know that," she teased. "Tell me something I don't know, huh?"
"Oh my God," Hadji groaned. "I need to go back to school."
"OH MY GOD," Jessie exhaled and covered her face.
"What's wrong?" they all asked at once. Instantly worried.
"Where's my phone?" Jessie dropped her hands and looked around wildly. Estella grabbed it from the charger and handed it to Jessie. "Shit…shit…shit," Jessie cursed as she scrolled through her missed calls.
"What is it?" Estella pushed.
Jessie closed her eyes tight and took a deep breath. Trying to convince herself it was not a big deal. "I missed several calls from my faculty advisor. We've been planning out the sequencing of my classes for the next three semesters. The order could inform…" she trailed off.
"Jessie?" Race pushed this time.
"I…I had one more class to choose for this semester, but I've had trouble deciding. I narrowed it down to three and Professor Oak, my advisor, was kind enough to hold me a chair in each so I could think it over. Choosing the wrong one…it's not the end of the world. It could just slow things down for me, which is frustrating," she said lowly. "I'm mostly mad at myself for being indecisive. I know which one I should've chosen from the start. Just trusted my gut…but now it's too late. The deadline to register was yesterday, which means I'm not even signed up for a full course load," she complained.
"Is that the worst outcome?" Estella asked.
Jessie huffed. "You don't…this is important to me! I don't want to fall behind."
"Maybe your advisor selected on your behalf?" Hadji offered.
Jessie mulled that over and shrugged. "Half the delay was my debate with Professor Oak," she sighed. Unsure of how him deciding would make her feel. "He thought I should go a different direction and was trying to convince me. I guess that wouldn't be so bad. At least I'd have a full semester of credits before the summer…"
"Call him back to find out," Estella suggested. "Explain to him and maybe he can..."
"The deadline has passed," Jessie shook her head and then held it high. "It's fine. Not a big deal. I'll figure it out."
"Call him." Estella insisted. Jessie shook her head. "Give me the phone. I'll do it."
Jessie gripped the phone tighter to prevent her mother from taking it. "No! I'm not having my mother call. It's Christmas. He's probably with his family. It'd be rude to call. Besides, my schedule will be online in a day or so."
Estella shrugged. "If he can't or doesn't want to talk, he won't pick up the phone. Pretty simple."
Jessie sighed and then tapped one of the missed calls. She could not fault her mother's logic. She bit her lip and waited nervously. Knowing it would bother her until she knew. Selfishly hoping the Professor would pick up and put her out of her misery or make an exception for her. Surprised when he actually answered.
"Jessie?" she heard on the other end of the line. The voice sounded hopeful.
She cleared her throat. "Professor Oak? I'm so sorry to bother you on a holiday."
"It's quite alright," he responded. "I'm relieved to hear your voice. I was worried about you."
"I'm sorry for missing your calls too," she apologized. "I was…" she trailed off. Not prepared with an answer.
"I'm aware," he saved her from having to explain it. "Your boyfriend picked up when I called yesterday and shared what was happening. How are you?"
"I'm okay," she answered on reflex. "I was curious if you selected a class for me?" she asked haltingly and held her breath as she waited for the answer.
"I didn't…but your boyfriend selected for you."
"He did?" Jessie asked in shock. "How…how would he even know which one to choose? I only told him I was transferring a few days ago. We haven't talked about my classes at all," she wondered aloud. Not expecting an answer, but she got one.
"He asked me for an extension first," the Professor explained. "Made an impassioned plea, but there was nothing more I could do. I would have…had it been possible."
"Of course," Jessie swallowed. "I understand."
"He asked me to describe the classes. I gave him the rundown of our debate and told him you were still unsure," the Professor continued. "He got the quick version to be honest. He seemed to be in quite a rush. I think he was actually running as we spoke."
Jessie closed her eyes as she listened to her advisor talk. She pictured Jonny running around like a crazy person. Trying to find her and trying to pick a class for her at the same time. She felt herself tearing up again at the thought.
"After listening to me for a few minutes, Jonny was insistent that you'd want to be registered for Doctor Moore's class," he finished. "I decided going with that option was better than leaving you with a hole in your schedule. I hope that's alright?"
"Yes," she swallowed back tears. "Thank you."
"Oh…you sound upset," her Professor apologized. "I'm sorry…"
"No," Jessie interrupted. "I'm happy. Relieved. Thank you for listening to him. That's exactly what I wanted."
"I'm glad to hear it," he sighed. "And I'm looking forward to seeing you in January."
"Me too," Jessie cleared her throat. "Enjoy the rest of the holiday."
Jessie hung up and then covered her face with her hands. Crying and shaking her head. Estella gripped her shoulders. Jessie pressed her fingers into her eyes and wiped her tears away. "Ignore me," she sighed and sounded exhausted again. "I'm fine. I'd cry at anything right now."
"It's okay," Estella soothed.
"Someone please go get him for me?" Jessie asked.
XXX
"I'm sorry for making you worry, Pop." They were in the courtyard, sitting across from each other at the best lit picnic table. "It was…an unavoidable circumstance, but I do feel bad for worrying you."
"I don't agree that it was unavoidable, but I know that's a pointless conversation," Benton responded.
"It is," Jonny agreed and pursed his lips. "I don't…" he trailed off.
"What?" Benton pushed. "Say what's on your mind."
"I don't want this to come off as defensive," Jonny hedged. "I genuinely want to know…" he paused again. Apprehensive to continue.
"Son?"
Jonny licked his lips before continuing. "I don't understand why YOU can't accept that it was unavoidable? Academically…were there other options? Of course. But there were no other options for ME. I'm not comparing my relationship to yours. I would never do that. But if anyone in this family should understand why my feelings are non-negotiable, it should be you…I've never…" he hesitated and then decided to continue. Holding his father's gaze. "I've never seen you show any interest in another woman. Maybe…you held back for me or maybe you've just mastered hiding it from everyone," Jonny shrugged. "Maybe you got so buried in work and family that you've convinced yourself you didn't need anything more or maybe you've convinced yourself that you don't deserve more. Academically…those would be the highest probability answers, right? So which is it? Be honest with me."
"None of the above," Benton said immediately, but Jonny already suspected that was the answer and softened his tone.
"Is it the age thing?" Jonny asked. "Because I can wait you out on that one," he laughed. "No one thought we'd last this long I'm sure."
Benton sighed. "Jonny, I DO understand. That's exactly why I worry. Putting so much of your happiness in another's control…"
"Is a risk I'm willing to take," Jonny finished loudly and then took a few deep breaths to calm down. He did not want to yell. "She's worth it, Pop. She's WORTH it. Just like mom. Knowing what you know now…"
"No," Benton interrupted and his gaze hardened. "I wouldn't trade a single moment with her for all the pain."
Jonny's eyes filled with tears hearing that declaration. Another wave of emotion he was unprepared for. "I can't control it," he put a hand over his heart. "I let my guard down and…she took over. I can't control it. And I came so close to losing her…in the worst possible way," his voice broke. His chest tightened as he thought about losing her and the fact that his father had lost his mother. Benton stood and came to sit beside Jonny, draping an arm across his shoulders. "The worst way," Jonny whispered and his breath hitched. "You don't know how close I came. I was there…I can't…"
"I know," Benton soothed. "I'm sorry."
Jonny turned his head away. "No…I'm sorry."
"Why?"
Jonny swallowed. He could not look at his father. "Because…I didn't lose her. I shouldn't be…"
"It's not that simple," Benton acknowledged. "And please don't censor your feelings for my benefit. I appreciate the instinct, but I'm your dad. I want to help you. Let me."
Jonny nodded. Turning his head back, but looking down at the picnic table hard.
"Taking a life," Benton started. "I know that wasn't easy for you. Regardless of the circumstances. If you need to talk to someone, even if it's not the family, I can make that happen. It's important that you talk about it."
Jonny closed his eyes and wiped his face dry. 'How do I make him understand?'
"That has nothing to do with…Look, I appreciate the offer. If I start to lose sleep over it…I'll let you know. Okay?" Jonny finished. Hoping to shut down the conversation.
"If you change your mind…"
"That won't happen," Jonny interrupted in frustration.
"Alright." Benton rubbed Jonny's back.
Jonny knew that his father was unconvinced. He debated letting the conversation stop there, but if he did that would not be the end it. Only a short pause. Jonny did not want that. "I want you to understand…" he trailed off and tried to collect his thoughts.
"Help me to understand," Benton told him quietly.
"I feel like you won't believe the truth when you hear it," Jonny admitted.
Benton swallowed nervously. "I promise to try."
"It wasn't a choice between life and death for me," Jonny started slowly. "Or even right and wrong. It was Jessie or him. That simple." The rate of Jonny's breathing picked up as he continued to explain. "He hurt her. He was gonna kill her. He was gonna throw her away like nothing…when she's everything to me. He was gonna do it right in front of me if I didn't act."
Jonny was out of breath and rubbing his temples by the end of it.
"Do you have a headache?" Benton asked.
"The same one for three days," Jonny complained. They were quiet for a while until Jonny broke it to make his point clear. "Pop?" he said seriously.
"Tell me." A sinking feeling crept into Benton's stomach as he waited.
"I need you to know…it wasn't a hard decision. The only regret I have…," he clenched his fists and finally met his father's gaze again. "…is that I didn't end it before he touched her." Then Jonny looked away. Fighting off a growing agitation. He wanted to get back to her.
Benton stared at his son's profile. Holding his own breath. The words caught in his throat. "What did he do to her?" he asked quietly.
Jonny shook his head and rubbed his arms, thinking about the cuts all over hers.
"I saw her arms," Benton told him.
"Kinda hard to miss," Jonny nodded angrily. "It's more…than just her arms," he added. "She won't…she'll have scars. She'll have to see them every day."
"As will you," Benton added.
"So what?" Jonny snapped. "This isn't about ME. I wasn't the one who was hurt."
"You were both hurt," Benton squeezed his son's shoulder.
Jonny laughed without humor. "It's not a competition. I fucking hate it when people respond to someone else's pain with their own instead of focusing on the person that's hurting. It's a selfish reaction and I won't do that to her."
"People do that," Benton agreed. "It's human nature, but I don't believe it comes from a selfish place. I believe it's someone trying to connect. To relate to the other person. Those connections help both in the end. You know this. It's how you and Jessie already relate. I see that with my own eyes all the time. Your instinct to protect her is noble, Jonny. Her instinct to protect you is as well. It's a beautiful thing."
"But?" Jonny sighed.
"It's not sustainable," Benton noted. "You'll both end up in knots."
Jonny deflated and gave in. Emotionally exhausted. "You're right," he acknowledged. "Jess and I have already talked through that though. It won't be easy. And I'm sure I'll misstep along the way. But I do get it."
"You do?"
"Yes…I know that I need to be honest with her about how I'm feeling. Even when it feels wrong to allow the attention to shift. Even when it goes against every instinct I have…and I will do that for her and for myself…in moderation. I already have," he admitted begrudgingly. "She gave me a choice earlier. Sleep or talk. I couldn't shut my brain off so I poured my fucking heart out instead."
"Good."
"It took a lot of prodding, but I got her to open up too. When we woke up a few hours ago. Good times," Jonny chuckled lamely. Picking at the paint on the picnic table.
"So you're just deflecting with me?" Benton deduced.
Jonny closed his eyes and cursed again. "No…it's not you. It's…hard enough to talk to her about it, Pop."
"Fair enough," Benton let it go.
"She won't forget this any time soon," Jonny added sadly. Rubbing his arms again. "I hate this."
"Jonny…she wouldn't be able to forget anyway," Benton pointed out logically. "Physical scars or not."
"I know," Jonny agreed angrily.
"And NONE of this is your fault. Do you know that too?" Benton pushed. "Please tell me you know."
Jonny was silent for a minute. "I do. But knowing that…doesn't make this any easier for me to accept. I'm supposed to PROTECT her," he clenched his fists tight. He unclenched them slowly after Benton placed a hand on his wrist. "I obviously only partially succeeded at that," he sighed. "Now I need to figure out how to live with it. Without losing her in the process."
Benton stared at his son's profile again for a while. Knowing there was no consolation he could offer right then that Jonny would receive. It was too fresh. All he could do was hope that would change with enough time.
"Did he rape her?" Benton then asked bluntly.
"No," Jonny said firmly. "At least there's that. I'd be crawling outta my skin if…"
A loud exhale over his shoulder made Jonny jump. He and Benton spun around to find Race standing behind them. Arms crossed.
Jonny's eyes locked with Race's. "Are you sure?" Race asked. "Really sure?"
Jonny blinked slowly and then nodded. "Yes…she wouldn't lie to me about that," he said confidently.
"You were worried before about her not telling you everything," Race challenged.
"I was worried about her shutting down on me," Jonny clarified. "Not lying."
Race sat down across from them. His body language relaxed and his head dropped into his hands.
Jonny sat up straighter. Instinct kicking in to help. "Race…"
Race cut Jonny off by clearing his throat and folding his hands under his chin. "Everyone went home already. Jess is asking for you. Twice actually. I was sent to retrieve you. Go," he pointed to the door.
Jonny stood, turn and ran without another word.
Benton and Race watched him go, but neither made a move to follow.
XXX
Jonny entered her room out of breath and stopped short at the scene. She was surrounded as she had been since she arrived in the hospital. This time by Hadji and Estella. Her eyes widened when they met his and it was clear she had been crying again. It made his stomach clench.
"Hi," he smiled as he went to her. "What is it?"
She lifted her arms and he pulled her into his. She folded against him naturally and held on tight as she watched Hadji and her mother leave. They closed the door on their way out, allowing for some privacy. It felt like such a relief to Jessie and she was grateful. Closing her eyes and truly relaxing for the first time since she had woken up a few hours ago. "I love you, Jonny."
"What's wrong?" he asked in alarm. She seemed off. Although he was not sure he should have expected otherwise. "I love you too," he added in a rush.
"Thank you," she said it in a breathy voice that sounded choked up.
"For what?" he wanted to know. "Why are you upset?"
"I'm not," she promised him. "I'm just...really happy to see you."
"I'm sorry that I left," he apologized immediately. "I needed…"
She leaned back and wrapped her hands around his face. "Stop it," she scolded. "I'm serious." He straightened and his brow furrowed. She smiled at his reaction. "I told you to leave, babe. I'm not upset that you listened to me. But now I want you to stay, okay?"
He leaned his forehead against hers and nodded. Trying to let go of the guilt. That would be a constant battle for him. To win the war against his emotions. "I'm not going anywhere again until you do," he promised.
"I like the sound of that," she admitted. "How was the talk with your dad?" she asked next.
"Good," he told her. "It was good. I feel better." Then he got quiet as he figured out how to say the next part. "Thank you…for taking care of me, Jessie. Even though you have plenty to worry about already. I think you're incredible…"
She leaned in and kissed him. She only meant for it to be a quick peck, but he leaned in further when she made a move to pull back. She got lost in it fast. One hand moving to grip the collar of his shirt and the other the back of his neck. Almost desperately. He pulled her closer with the arm still around her waist and let his other hand ghost between them and then rest on the side her neck. Kneading gently. She followed his lead. Relaxing her grip and focusing on the slow way he was kissing her. Mirroring it back. She made a low noise when he swiped his tongue across her bottom lip.
Reality came crashing back for him. He kept his head pressed to hers, but ended the kiss. "Forgot where I was for a second," he licked his lips and smiled. Out of breath for a different reason.
"Me too," she grinned. Eyes closed. "Now I'm daydreaming about that trip to Fiji."
"Yes. One of those private huts right on the water," he dropped his head to her shoulder and his lips searched until they found warm skin to press against. "Just the two of us," he mumbled.
"Definitely just the two of us," she agreed. Rubbing the back of his head. "Our first real vacation together."
"We can sleep in every day," he told her.
"Oh no," she laughed. "You can't waste time sleeping."
He lifted his head with a grin and played along. "Okay…what's my itinerary, baby."
She linked her hands behind his neck and shook her head no. He had reattached his forehead to hers like glue so his whole body shook along with hers. He grinned wider.
"Don't make fun of my itineraries," she chuckled.
"I'm not," he insisted. "I really want to know."
"Hmm," she bit her lip. "Well…you wake up early to work out. A run on the beach and a swim should do it."
"You're not joining me?" he asked.
"No. I'll be sleeping in," she laughed and then continued before he could object. "When you finish, you'll crawl back into bed and make love to me," she kissed him. "But don't shower first. I like how you smell right after a workout, baby. Then we'll shower together and go get breakfast. After eating, we'll lay out by our pool all morning. Relaxing and reading. I'll be teasing you the entire time of course. Wearing next to nothing and reapplying my sunscreen more than necessary," she admitted casually.
"Appreciate the honesty," he kissed her. "Still won't lessen the effect."
"I know," she whispered. "You'll hold off as long as you can each day, but you'll never last until lunch," she predicted confidently. "Maybe we make it back inside. Maybe we won't."
He laughed out loud. "Good thing this hut is private."
"Good thing," she agreed. Giving him another quick peck and playing with the hair at the base of his neck. "I'll plan some type of water sport activity in the afternoons because I know how much you love that. Even surfing."
"I do love watching you try to surf," he laughed. "How are you SO bad at it?"
"Shut up," she teased. "You'll take me out for a romantic dinner. Sunset required," she continued.
"Dessert?" he interrupted.
"Don't be coy," she whispered. "You know I'm dessert. You'll take me back to our bed. Make love to me for hours. That's why I need to sleep in obviously."
"Obviously," he chuckled.
She sighed. "Then we get to fall asleep together. Uninterrupted. Perfect."
"Holy shit. I think I'll need some performance enhancing drugs to survive that week of heaven," he joked.
"Oh no," she shot back quietly. "You're my Superman."
She kissed him before he could argue and he forgot that he wanted to deny it. He forgot they could be interrupted at any time. He forgot everything except the way she was making him feel in that exact moment. Like they were on a beautiful island with no real problems. He should have stopped it when she bit his bottom lip and he definitely should have stopped it when her tongue brushed against his teeth, but he deepened the kiss instead. Confident she would pull away before things got too far. She always pulled back first.
"Love you," she mumbled when he took a quick breath. But she captured his lips again before he could respond or end the kiss. His head was swimming and his heart was racing. Her roaming hands were not helping, but he did not stop her.
"Jonny…" she leaned back and searched his face.
'Okay,' he thought. Trying to clear his head.
"Whoa…whoa," he let go of her and dug his hands into the bed when she laid back and tried to take him with her. "Jess."
Her hands were covering her face by the time his brain caught up. He went to comfort her, but she surprised him when she busted out laughing instead. It was infectious.
"Sorry," she apologized and dropped her hands when their laughter died down. She stared up a him. Waiting. "What?"
"You're beautiful," he told her simply.
She rolled her eyes and then deflected. "Have you had tuna recently?" she teased.
"Fuck…sorry," he apologized. He went to move back further, but she sat up fast and resumed her death grip on his neck. Keeping him close. Then she kissed him again. Several quick pecks. Smiling as she did it. "I thought Batman was your superhero of choice?" he teased once she finished.
"What's the difference?" she shrugged.
"Baby!" he scolded.
She giggled at his overreaction and the sound brightened his mood even more. He could not stop staring at her smile or thinking about how happy she made him even when circumstances were far from perfect. He swept the pad of his thumb across her bottom lip in wonder. "Thank you," he said again.
"Don't thank me for taking care of you," she told him seriously.
"Alright," he agreed gladly, leaning away and then offering both of his hands. She laced her fingers with his. "What were you thanking me for when I came in?"
She grinned sheepishly when she remembered. "Uh…for taking such good care of me." She looked into his eyes and her heart skipped a beat. "You selected my last class for me. In the middle of…everything. All that chaos. I called my advisor worried once I remembered the deadline had passed. He told me what you did. I can't believe you did that. I mean…I can. But I can't. I'm so relieved that I won't be off track now. Thank you so much."
"Right," Jonny cleared his throat. "Well…I knew you'd be home," he looked down and cleared his throat again. Not sounding as confident as he wanted. She squeezed his hands. "And I knew you'd be worrying about school sooner than you should…" he trailed off.
She pulled him into another hug and he was glad she could not see his face. He could not hide his disappointment if he tried. The uptick in his mood evaporated as fast as it had come. She was leaving again in a few weeks.
A cold fear washed through him. 'Fuck.' He held on tighter. "Baby…I don't want you…"
"How did you know which one to pick?" she interrupted excitedly.
He sat back slowly and tried to keep his face neutral. "Just trusted my gut," he shrugged. "Actually, I trusted your gut," he clarified lamely. "I picked the first class you considered. You have amazing instincts."
She caressed the side of his face and gave him a meaningful look. "I do have a talent for getting it right the first time."
He leaned his forehead against hers again. "If you do say so yourself?"
"I do," she laughed. "You're all the proof I need. So…where's my Christmas present?" she asked a moment later.
'Please don't go,' he thought. 'Please stay. Let me take care of you. I won't be ready. It's too quick.'
"Hotshot?" she asked again when he did not respond. "Quest?" After another moment went by. She sat back so they were no longer touching and tried to catch his eye. "Jonny!"
"Hmm?"
"What is it?" she rushed. Searching his face. "What's wrong with you?"
"Nothing," he kissed her forehead. "Sorry…I'm still really tired." It was not a lie, but it was not the truth he should have shared. He did not meet her gaze because he did not want to know if she was convinced.
"Christmas can wait," she concluded after a beat. She tugged on his arm and shifted to make room on the bed.
"We can't," he sighed.
She kept hold of his arm and challenged him. "Give me one good reason why not. And my dad is not a good reason."
"Since when?" Jonny huffed. "As far back as I can remember, he's been the primary reason."
"Things change. We're moving across the country together," she pointed out.
"We're attending the same college," he argued. "Your father may view that differently."
She crossed her arms. "Whose side are you on?"
"Yours. Ours," he looked at her like she was crazy. "It's more complicated than sides and you know it."
"It's really not," she shot back. "I want you to hold me and I know you want the same. So we can stay in the bed big enough to accommodate two or I can pretend to fall asleep and then sneak over to whatever cramped couch you end up passing out on later. Your choice."
He grinned despite himself and kicked off his shoes in the process. He did not feel like putting up a fight. He slid under the blankets and wrapped an arm around her waist. Pulling her tight against his chest, easing onto the mattress and burying his face in her hair. The hesitation he felt melting away.
She sighed happily and closed her eyes. "How come I never get to be the big spoon," she teased. Sliding her hand up and down the arm he had wrapped around her.
He kissed the top of her head. "Do you really want to be?"
"Hmm…no. You're too good at it," she admitted. Lacing her fingers through his.
She focused on the wall and his breathing. Trying not worry over how he had spaced out on her while they were talking. 'He's still exhausted,' she convinced herself. 'Emotionally and physically. Who wouldn't be? He's not actually Superman. I shouldn't have even joked about that. Knowing him…he'd run himself into the ground trying to be if he thought that's what I wanted. Shit.'
"I feel safe like this," she whispered. "With you."
"You are safe," he promised slowly. She could tell he was already on the verge of sleep. From the sound of his voice and the way his body was relaxing.
"I love you, Jonny. I can't say it enough," she told him.
"I love you too," he mumbled. "I don't want to let go. I'm not ready, baby."
"Hmm," she acknowledged and then her eyes shot open wide. Understanding what he meant and why he got weird as soon as she started talking about school.
"Jonny? Babe?"
No answer.
'Now's not the time for this,' she thought. 'He'll be fine once things settle down. So will I.'
She could not easily decide what the right thing was, but she knew what the most important thing was. She could feel him breathing evenly against her ear.
AN: How is it possible to write over 30 pages and NOT move a story forward much? I don't know…guess I'm having trouble letting go. But having fun still so I'm not sweating it!