Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia.
A/n1: As most of you know, I've followed a study called Pedagogy. It's a very beautiful, good profession, but sadly, there are hardly any jobs in it, or so I've found out.
So now, I'm working in the local cheese factory. Yes, you read that right: cheese factory. That's why I haven't been able to reply on all of your PM's and reviews – I simply didn't have time for that, because I've been working all this time.
I sure hope things will be better for me soon, but right now, I just need to keep my head up and think positive.
A/n2: Some readers have very subtly – or not so very subtly – let me know they'd like to see some steamy Lovi/Toni action already. Because dammit, I'm such a fucking tease! :-3
Well, let me put your mind at ease: there will be at least two smutty scenes coming up in later chapters. But yeah, not now… sorry! ^^;;;
I have a lot of difficulties with writing sex-scenes. Not that I don't like writing them – but man, it's so embarrassing! I once was writing a particular smutty scene for Bottoms Up when my mom suddenly waltzed into the room like "HI DEAR HERE ARE THE SOCKS AND PANTS I WASHED FOR YOU what are you writing?~"
And I sat there with this red face and shaky hands and all I could utter was 'eep'.
SO YEAH.
What I'm trying to say is… please be patient with me, okay?
A/n3: Nina Lugovskaya was, to be very blunt, a Russian Anne Frank. Like Anne, Nina kept a diary. The diary was mostly about the hardships she faced while living in Stalin-Russia and many, many depressing things she thought about herself and the nation. But unlike Anne, who got eternal glory after her diary was found, Nina and her family were convicted as political enemies of Russia when the police discovered the diary. In 1937, they were sent to Kolyma, some sort of deadly work camp (a Gulag) for prisoners of Russia. She, her sisters and her mom survived, though, and were released in 1942.
She died in 1993 and her diary, that somehow had managed to stay intact after all this time, was finally published in 2003.
~~ And Three Makes Five ~~
Chapter 25:
Now I understand why women want to have children: it's simply the urge to create happiness for yourself, somehow to fill the oppressive, unbearable emptiness in your soul.
Nina Lugovskaya
(Russian painter, theatre designer and survivor of the Kolyma Gulag)
A few days passed.
In those few days, all kinds of uninteresting shit happened that I'll be telling you a little bit about – not because I want to, since I think it's boring as hell, but because I think it's good to keep people up to date of all that's happing in my life, even when it's incredibly lame.
So let me tell you what happened, those few days before it was Tuesday and therefore Meeting Day again…
\0o0/
First of all, we got all of the furniture and toy-shit, and Antonio and I made sure our entire House was positively swimming in kiddy-proof stuff.
We built some slides in the backyard, we put some fences around the tomato-plants (to avoid the demon children from demolishing all of Antonio's hard work), we installed a few swings, we made a little garden for Matteo in which he tried to grow little toycars (he told me himself when I asked him why the fuck he was burying the toycars we bought them, and he was like 'I'm growing a car-tree, papa!' and I was like 'Yeah whatever you have fun with that I'm taking some aspirin')… well, to make a long story short, we created an entire playground in our backyard, just to please the kids.
And they were pleased, so we succeeded, and that was wonderful.
…
Also, we redid their bedroom. Antonio and I asked the kids if they all wanted to sleep in one room, because I'd totally understand if they rather had an individual room. But they said they wanted to stick together, which I kind of understood as well since I'm such a kind and understanding parent.
Anyway, we put some cool wallpaper on the walls, we put in a new floor – not carpet, that's just asking for Alejo to create some stains on it that wouldn't get out – and we installed some weird-ass lamps, because you just can't live a normal life without having some weird-ass lamps around to wonder about.
When the garden and the bedroom were finished, we just went ahead and scattered kid things all around the House: kid-friendly chairs, kid-friendly knives/forks/spoons, kid-friendly movies, kid-friendly paintings (Dali could just hang out in our bedroom for now), kid-friendly toys (and you wouldn't believe how hard it is to find those), cuddle animals, dolls, toycars (of which half of them got a ceremonial burial), dinosaurs, little tricycles, blocks, sketch books and coloring books, pens and pencils in all colors of the rainbow, lego-shit, platic shit, wooden shit and other kinds of shit, and last but not least, a little gate-thing in front of our stairs, so that the kids wouldn't bounce off the stairsteps again.
Within a couple of days, our House had turned into one big fucking amusement park for all people below the tender age of five that couldn't decently form entire sentences yet.
Unsettling weird.
I mean, just a little more than a week ago, I was sitting in Italy, moaning about how much I missed Antonio, and now here I am, father of three children and the proud owner of a massive Barbie/Action Man House (but I despised both Barbie and Action Man, so you wouldn't find anything of those two creeps in our House, dammit).
Like I said, it was unsettling weird.
But I kind of liked it anyway.
I mean, it was like my life had got upgraded, one way or the other. Especially when we got to know the kids a little bit better.
Like Matteo. Matteo turned out to be exactly like I feared him to be, namely very, very clumsy, idiotic, naïve and optimistic. Also, he was a huge crybaby and couldn't stand it if people around him hurt plants. Yes. Plants. He didn't like it when people hurt animals, like when Alejo stepped on Don Donaldo's tail, for example, but man, he bawled his eyes out when Alejo did as much as insult his cactus plant (which was called Mia, by the way).
He was always covered in band-aids because of that fucking plant, but he didn't care about that, he told me that was just Mia's "personality". I wanted to remind him of the fact plants don't have a damn personality, but I admit I found it unbearably cute when he started "feeding" Mia with a little baby-bottle, so I just kept my mouth shut and tended his wounds whenever Mia's personality played up again.
Oh, and Matteo was also terrible fighter. He couldn't and didn't want to fight, and whenever he and Luisa or Alejo had an argument over something, he always would be the first one to give in and/or beg for mercy. He was the biggest bespectacled pussy since… well, me. Only without the glasses. But hey, at least he was fast.
About Alejo… well, he turned out to be quite a handful. He wasn't as obedient and easy to please as Matteo, and he constantly wanted our attention. Not just mine, and not just Antonio's – no, we both needed to equally shower him with attention and love. Which we tried to do as good as we could. Which was tiresome. But it was for a good purpose, I guess, so yeah.
Alejo was pretty aggressive, with everything he did. He drew aggressively, he hugged aggressively and yes, he even slept aggressively. However, overall, he was a happy, nice kid. Sure, he had a weird fascination for blood and anything horrible, but on the outside, he was innocent and cute enough to get away with it, too.
Although Antonio and I did our best, we couldn't help causing Alejo to completely flip out at least two times in the past couple of days. Whenever he didn't get what he really, really wanted, he'd get this mad haze in front of his eyes and go ballistics on whatever that was close to him. He didn't hurt anybody, thankfully – but man, he sure broke a lot of shit. Whenever Alejo went bat-shit insane, Antonio was the only one that could handle him. He'd calmly grab his arms and pull him outside and yes, take him to that nightmare cranny where Antonio kept all of his weapons. He'd show him around the cranny and give long and detailed stories about the function of each and every weapon, and for some reason, that always eased Alejo mind. Afterwards, he'd run straight back to me with this big smile on his face, and he'd hug me, or my leg, or whatever that was closest, and then everything was normal again.
I sure hope those scary tantrums didn't occur much, because I seriously didn't know what to do whenever that creepy little kid saw red again. I was happy Antonio did know what to do, though.
Speaking of tantrums – Luisa had tantrums at least five times a day. They weren't as heavy as Alejo's but they sure were annoying. Whenever Luisa was being a little bitch, she'd refuse to talk to us and lock herself up in her room for hours. Antonio found it hard to deal with that. In Alejo's case, he at least knew how to respond, because the kid reminded him of himself. But Luisa was a lot like me, and he still couldn't always tell what I needed from him. So yeah, it was up to me to deal with Luisa, whenever she was being moody again. And that, most of the time, went well.
Luisa was a very shy, vulnerable girl. She hardly ever smiled and there was always a big, deep frown cemented into her forehead. She probably was going to get wrinkly at a very early age, I feared. Luisa didn't like to show her emotions and also didn't seem to like too much physical contact, but she was slowly getting used to my and Antonio's cuddly nature (yes, I was cuddly, I was cuddly as fuck, dammit). She actually loved being hold and pampered, but I'd be a moron if I'd say that out loud, because she'd completely revert into hate-mode again if I did.
I think Luisa enjoyed herself the most when I read her stories. She absolutely loved stories, and although Matteo and Alejo liked them as well, they didn't like them as much as their sister. Luisa always wandered around the House with the book we gave her from the city, and although she must have flipped through it a thousand times already, she still loved it to bits.
Also, Luisa was the one that was the most responsible, even though she was the youngest. She'd come tell me or Antonio when Matteo was crying again, or when Alejo was destroying something. She was very, very serious. I also think she was the smartest of all of us. I hoped she could become a doctor or president or something, because she certainly had it in her.
\0o0/
As for me and Antonio…
…
Well, we didn't have the sex.
At all.
And you know what?
I didn't even care we didn't have the sex.
…
…
Disturbing, right? Yeah, that's what I thought as well!
I just had no energy to do it. Really, I was fucking drained near the end of yet another look-at-all-the-children-hopping-around-me-day, and then I just wanted some peace of mind, a nice movie on TV to watch and a soft bed to sleep in. Sure, I liked to hug and cuddle Antonio while I did so, but that's it. I didn't want him to stuff his hands down my pants. I didn't want him to get rid of my shirt. I didn't want him to go all horny and needy on me.
I really, really, really only wanted rest.
Besides, I still was scared as fuck I might not get it up again if Antonio got me started.
Oh.
Ohh, how very unsexy that would be. How embarrassing. How shameful.
Now, I had to say that Antonio didn't seem to push me. He didn't mind that I didn't feel like sleeping with him. At least, that's what he always told me. He'd just… give me this patient smile, telling me he was perfectly fine with the situation and he completely understood why I didn't want him all over me.
…
I found that hard to believe, really.
I mean, if the tables had been turned, I would have felt very fucking hurt. And neglected. And sexually frustrated. I'd probably start crying and whining to him 'why don't you let me fucking hold you anymore, dammit dammit dammit' and then he'd be like 'ohh, don't be sad, Lovi, I still feel like shit but here, I'll sleep with you right now, is that okay?~' and problem solved. Or not.
Antonio had always been the self-sacrificial kind of guy, that's all I wanted to say.
I wasn't self-sacrificial at all.
Not that Antonio would allow me to sacrifice myself, but still.
…
What the fuck am I even thinking about, dammit. I don't make any sense, not even to myself.
…
…
I wondered if Antonio felt neglected right now.
Maybe I should ask him.
\0o0/
It was right after we had put the kids into bed that I decided to ask Antonio this very important question.
Alright, maybe it wasn't right after we put the kids into bed, I still needed to gather myself some motherfucking courage to ask him the question I actually dreaded to ask, so it wasn't before we were doing the dishes (like the domestic pair of cute losers we were) that I started stammering his name.
'A-Antonio.'
'Lovino?' Antonio kindly responded and dried off a plate I just handed over to him.
'I want to ask you something,' I said, staring at the foam, drifting on the water in the sink.
'Go on right ahead.'
'Do you…' I hesitated, but decided to look at him anyway, '…do you feel neglected?'
He eyed me weirdly. 'Why would I feel neglected? By whom?'
'By me, dammit!' I sighed and gripped the sides of the sink. 'I-I mean… it's been four days, now…'
'Since when?'
'Since we slept with each other for the very last time.'
'Wow, you actually remember how long it has been? Incredible, Lovi!~ Are you keeping tags on that?'
'No, but I can count the days we didn't had sex perfectly fine.'
'Ah, I see.'
Then he started humming some Spanish tune and put away a few of the glasses he had just finished drying off.
…
…
Was that jerk planning to torment me or something?
'Hey!' I suddenly snarled at him, tossing a wet sponge against the back of his head.
'Raaaah!' Antonio jumped, spun around and gave me a startled, shivery look. 'Lovi, don't toss gross things at me!'
I glared at him. 'Are you even listening to me? I asked you if you feel neglected by me, dammit, because I haven't craved for your goddamn dick in fucking days! I mean, aren't you at least mildly annoyed by that?'
Antonio, who was rubbing the back of his head with a disgusted face, all of a sudden looked me straight in the eyes, shaking his head.
'Not at all.'
…
'Not at all?' I said, surprised because I sensed he was telling the truth. 'But… but you must feel… don't you want to… I mean, it's not normal for us to not…'
'Ah, I get what you say, Lovi, but I'm tired.' Antonio picked up the sponge and smiled at me – an almost apologetic smile. 'Taking care of kids asks a lot of me, you know. I'm constantly busy wondering everything's alright with them, and whether I'm doing a fine job being a parent and such. I'm so exhausted near the end of the day, you wouldn't believe. If I also wanted to have sex with you, I'd be at the end of my wits, ahahaha!~'
'Oh.' I blinked. 'So you really don't mind?'
'I really don't mind, Lovi.'
'Because… you see, every now and then, I get these… thoughts, you know, and then—'
'I know your thoughts. And I don't like your thoughts. You should stop thinking unnecessary thoughts, my love – I told you that before.'
'Okay.' I tried to hide my relieved smile as I handed him the last thing I washed – some bowl – but I doubted he didn't see it.
'I bet the others are having similar experiences,' Antonio said, 'and even if that's not the case, don't forget we have three children, Lovino. Not one. Not two. Three. That's a lot of kid, you know?'
'Ohh, don't I know that,' I nodded.
'Well, stop panicking about us, then.' Antonio put away his towel and wrapped an arm around my shoulder, pulling me closer. 'As far as I know, we're still very much in love with each other and I can't imagine living a life without my sweet, handsome husband and best friend.'
'Fucking ass-kisser,' I muttered – but placed a shy, foamy hand on his anyway.
He smiled and kissed my forehead. 'Well, we finished the dishes. Shall we watch a romantic movie or something? We put some tasty chips and sweets on the table, we pour ourselves some good wine to drink, we curl ourselves up under that one plush blanket… it'll be cozy!~'
That sounded cheesy and clichéd as fuck – so of course I was just as enthusiastic as him about this plan, and we started preparing ourselves for a very normal, perfectly planned, boring evening.
\0o0/
If you're a little bit familiar with watching movies on broadcast television, you know each and every day has at least one romantic movie waiting for you in the evening. Sometimes a good one, many other times a bad one, and even more times one that you already have seen at least a hundred times. But hey, you happen to like that movie/there isn't anything interesting on the TV otherwise, so you end up watching it anyway.
…
What I'm very clumsily trying to explain, dammit, is that when Antonio and I finally sat ourselves in front of the television, we didn't have to zap long before we found a nice romantic movie we could watch. And that's nice, because now Antonio could swoon during every stupid, sappy love scene and I could give lots of biting comments on how clichéd and boring the plot was during those same scenes.
Really, how we could stand each other while watching these kind of movies together without driving each other nuts was a mystery to me.
…
W-well.
Not really. I mean… we had lived with one another for such a long time, we kind of understood why and how the other one responded in such situations. And even better yet, we had learn to fully accepted that.
So now we were both sitting on the couch in the living room. Well, sitting, sitting… I guess lounging on it was a better description. It wasn't a big couch, though, so we kind of had to improvise if the both of us wanted to chill all stretched out on it like that.
So Antonio was the one that was lying on the couch, and I was the one that was lying on Antonio.
In-between his arms and legs, I mean.
…
Shut the fuck up, it was a totally manly thing to do. Admitting to enjoy being in the arms of your lover is manlier than whatever the fuck is considered manly nowadays, dammit, so suck it.
I also had this big, fluffy blanket I had covered both me and Antonio in, because it happened to be very cold this evening and I sure as shit didn't feel like shivering out of my skin, at least not when Antonio was holding me. So that was just wonderful and perfect.
…
I-I was pretty damn comfortable like this. And so was Antonio, if I had to base my judgment on his content sighing and rubbing-his-face-against-my-head-movements. He sure liked to hold and hug me. W-well, who was I to take that little pleasure away from him, right?
Besides…
I… I really liked being hold and hugged by him. I actually couldn't get enough of being hold and hugged by him.
So as the movie started forming its simple and totally boring plot, I wrapped Antonio's arms around me a little bit better, wiggled a bit to get even more comfortable, and began thinking of complaints to say about the movie.
…
I had told you before: we were very domestic. Hell, we were so damn domestic, it could actually kill people. Which would be quite an accomplishment.
Oh whatever – I could better focus on the movie playing.
\0o0/
'What a total load of bullcrap – why the hell would she think she's ugly and fat, goddammit? Just because she wears glasses and has slightly bigger breasts than her friend? Give me a break! Look at her! She's a fucking size zero! Her hair sparkles! And she just walked out of a downpour! Without looking the part! Whiny little bitch!'
'Easy now,' Antonio chuckled, running a hand through my hair before, during and after my rant, 'we can't expect an actress to look plain, can we? If she really did look plain, we probably wouldn't have watched this movie.'
I closed my eyes for a short while, smiling ever so slightly and enjoying Antonio's caressing hands.
'And you see all those men in that office she just walked in? Just look for the most attractive one – that's the one she's going to fall in love with. Oh, and he'll totally fall in love with her, too. And they're going to spend the entire movie finding out about each other's feeeeeeeeeelings, and in the last five minutes, after the last huge, awful commercial-break, they'll kiss in some magical park and have awesome sex, presumably in that same park. And then everybody dies. The end.'
'Wow, that would be kind of a downer ending.'
'I'd fucking love a romantic comedy with an ending like that.'
'It's not very romantic or funny, though…'
'That's the point.'
'Well, aren't you cruel!~' Antonio laughed and squeezed me and kissed the shell of my ear.
'No – moviemakers are cruel. Making girls and women think they're ugly and fat and hopelessly lost if they won't find a man. I'd be fucking heartbroken if Luisa started thinking of herself like that. So you bet your cute ass I'll keep on complaining about that!' I huffed.
'It's your right as a father to do just that, sweetie.' Antonio now kissed the nape of my neck.
I mumbled a soft 'ah', but didn't know what else to say after that. Well, I did know what I could say, and what I wanted to say, but Antonio would probably scold me if I told him what I wanted to say.
So I had kind of decided to just shut up and watch the movie, but of course, all of a sudden, the commercial break commenced in all her boring glory – and I instantly took that chance to tell Antonio what I wanted to tell him.
'I really don't like making you wait for me, you know.'
'Wait for you?' Antonio repeated.
'You know.' I took his hand in my hands and started fidgeting with his fingers. 'Making you wait till I'm finally comfortable with the idea having sex with you again.'
He groaned. 'Aw, not this again – Lovi, I already told you I'm perfectly fine with that. Seriously, you should try to believe me once in a while.'
See? I told you he was going to scold me.
'B-but…' I mumbled.
'No,' Antonio strictly said, poking my cheek, 'not a word about that anymore, Lovi. Another griping complaint from you and I'll make you pay for it.'
I chuckled. 'Ohh, I sure hope it's an unusual punishment…'
'I think it's cool, actually.' Antonio smiled – I couldn't see it, but I just knew he did.
We were quiet for a few seconds. Then I all of a sudden felt like teasing – so like every other good, annoying person, I started teasing.
'So,' I muttered, 'you… you're really fine with it?'
Antonio uttered a soft, frustrated moan.
'Lovi,' he growled warningly.
I ignored him. 'Like, really, really really fine with it?'
'Don't test me.'
'I don't have to worry?'
'You're just irritating me for the hell of it, don't you?'
I grinned, but tried to hide it behind my hand.
'So you're absolutely sure you—'
'ALRIGHT, I WARNED YOU ENOUGH.'
And with that having said, Antonio suddenly turned around, pushed me flat on my back and sat up, slowly rolling up his sleeves.
I managed to hide a smile and stared up at him as blankly as I could.
'What the hell is with you all of a sudden, bastard?'
'Punishment,' Antonio growled, cracking his fingers and smiling wickedly. 'Devine punishment for being a whiny little cutie. Ohh I'm going to love this.'
What are you going to do then, I wanted to say – but then it suddenly clicked.
I mean, the cracking fingers, the rolled-up sleeves, the menacing grin…
…
BASTARD WAS GOING TO FUCKING KILL-TICKLE ME, WASN'T HE?
'Oh no, nononononononono,' I stammered, trying to get away from him, 'let's not do that, shall we?'
'But I will do that,' Antonio simply said, moving so that he was now sitting on my legs with his fat, handsome body. 'Like I said, I should punish you for questioning my honesty and intentions. So I'm going to tickle you. I'm going to tickle you so much, you'll start squirming and begging me for mercy while laughing your ass off. How fun!~'
I gasped. 'NO. NOT FUN.'
'Yes.' Antonio already lowered his fingers RIGHT ON MY STOMACH AND SIDES OH GOD.
'YOU STOP THAT,' I yelled, trying to swat his ALREADY teasing fingers off me.
'Ohh, but I'm not even starting yet, Lovi.'
'L-let's keep it that wawhahahahahahahahahahHAHAHAHA DAMMIT YOU MEAN FUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-'
…
Yes.
And so, Antonio started tickling me, and I started laughing and kicking my legs and flinging my arms and swearing and MY GOOD MERCYMEN IN THE SACRED CRIBS OF HEAVEN, WHY DIDN'T THOSE KICKS AND PUNCHES HURT HIM, GODDAMMIT.
THAT IMPERVIOUS FUCK.
SHIT.
I HIT MY KNEE AGAINST THE TABLE.
PAIN. AGONY.
NOOOO, AND NOW I KICKED THAT EXPENSIVE VASE OFF THE TABLE.
AAAARGH oh wait, that was that cheap-ass birthday present from Feliciano.
WELL IT STILL SUCKS, DAMMIT.
ALSO, SPANISH FUCKFACE SHOULDN'T SIT ON MY BLADDER LIKE THAT, NOW I NEEDED TO PEE, TOO.
BLAST IT ALL TO FUCKING HELL.
But like hell I was going to beg him for mercy. Oh no, I'd rather piss all over ourselves than beg that nasty Spanish asshole for mercy, dammit. Just you watch me. I was going to win this struggle.
\0o0/
'YOU WIN! YOU WIN, GODDAMMIT – JUST GET OFF ME! MERCY! MERCY!'
…
…
What?
NO I didn't lost, it was fucking obvious I let the sadistic bastard win this time, duh. Besides, you try to survive a tickle-attack from that rabid moron! I was lucky to still be alive! I-I mean, he was lucky I was nice enough to MOTHERFUCKING SCREAM the words he wanted to hear so much.
I was such a kind man. Yes, I was. He was such a lucky bastard for having me as his ever-understanding husband.
Now it would be nice if he could get the fuck off me already.
'You give?' Antonio laughed and wheezed, looking all handsome and sweaty and shit. 'That was fast! I wasn't even touching your bare skin yet, ahahahaha!~'
'Y-yeah, you… you'd have liked that, wouldn't you,' I panted – and finally succeeded in launching and landing a massive stomp to his stomach.
'Oof!' Antonio gasped, falling backwards on his back.
HA!
Chance!
I quickly scrambled myself up and didn't know how fast to flop down on him, pinning him to the couch like a fucking pinning master.
'How'd you like THAT,' I grinned, but eventually stopped grinning when I noticed Antonio was actually really doing his best to regain his breath and stop the weird coughing noises from coming out of his mouth.
Maybe I stomped his stomach a bit too hard. I should be a little nicer now.
…
So I kind of… just laid down on him and waited till he had some more air – because I actually didn't attack people when/until they couldn't breathe no more, unlike some evil bastards I knew.
Also, you saw that? That unexpected turn of events?
I TOTALLY WON IN THE END.
FUCK YEAH!
Sure, maybe I won by cheating defeat and pretending to let him win to avoid crying and wetting myself like a big baby I MEAN letting him win because I have such a good heart and shit, but still! A win is a win!
'Ah, it's good to see your smiling face, sweetie,' Antonio suddenly muttered – still sounding kind of breathless.
'It's because I won,' I tried to explain, touching his face and tracing down the small lines forming near his mouth and eyes with my finger.
'How nice,' Antonio said, not even bothering to ask me what the hell I was talking about, and I was thankful he didn't, because that would have been very awkward and weird.
No, for now, Antonio just rubbed his hands over my back, up and down, sometimes pressing them to my back completely if he wanted to share a quick hug with me.
I hummed contently and cuddled closer to him, closing my eyes and listening to his heartbeat. It was a steady, calm beat. It was comforting, really. One of the most soothing sounds ever.
…
Our evening passed like this, and I had to say it was the first evening since our reunion that I actually felt completely connected with him again.
…
…
Shit, now I just know I'm getting old, dammit…