This Isn't Goodbye – Chapter 25
(I do not own Glee or any of the characters. Names appear by coincidence.)
Finn had only been gone an hour when Rachel realized her mistake with the diaphragm. What should she do? Could she be pregnant? Finn would be in reception and processing at Fort Hamilton right now so she couldn't call him. Looking at the clock, Heidi would be in the practice rooms, and she always cut her phone off. Kurt! She could call Kurt!
Kurt was studying, but he would bring his books over and make time for his friend.
"How was your afternoon with Finn, or should I ask?" Kurt smirked as Rachel let him in.
"Kurt, my afternoon with Finn was amazing. It was so good to see him, and I'm glad that he's so close by, but I may have a problem."
"It sounds like everything should be perfect. You're in New York and your new husband's now only a few miles away."
"Kurt. You don't understand, I might be pregnant."
"What? You only saw him this afternoon for the first time in six weeks. How could you be pregnant?" Kurt gasp in surprise.
"Let's just say that I didn't read all of the instructions that came with my new birth control."
"Oh, I don't need details. It's only been a couple hours; you still have time for the morning after pill!"
"I've already looked that up on-line, and I don't think that's something I want to do."
"Rachel, are you serious? You're still only a freshman in college! You're in the school and the city of your dreams! Your husband is going to be deployed to God knows where! How are you going to raise a child?" What about Broadway? That's all you've ever wanted since you were five years old!" Kurt ranted around the room.
"I know and from what I read there's a very good chance that I'm not pregnant. It's way too early to tell. It's just Finn will be leaving for Afghanistan in three weeks. What if he doesn't come back?"
"Rachel you're not thinking this through. Finn's going to be in the motor pool at base camp fixing trucks. He's not going to be leading the charge against the enemy. Both of you are only nineteen."
"If I took the morning after pill, I would never know if I could have been pregnant or not. What if Finn gets killed? I would go through the rest of my life wondering if I had thrown away the only chance I had to have his child."
"Yes, and you would be raising a child alone. I've heard Carole say that raising Finn alone was the hardest thing she's ever done."
"And I've heard Carole say that Finn was the only thing that got her through it all after Finn's father died. Chris Hudson is dead, but she has something of him. Carole says she can see Chris in Finn's eyes. Your dad raised you alone."
"Rachel, you're jumping to conclusions. You're assuming that you're pregnant and Finn's not coming back. You're weighing your entire future against two unknown possibilities. Does Finn want to be a father at nineteen? Would he want to leave you with a child to raise in case he didn't come back? I think you need to talk to him instead of me."
"I can't, he's in the middle of reception and processing at Fort Hamilton right now. I just guess I'm working myself up over the unknown. We did use birth control, just not correctly."
"Rachel, that's way too much information! It sounds like you've already made your mind up against the morning after pill. So what are you going to do?"
"I should be getting my period any day now. If I'm late I'll take a pregnancy test then."
"Again, too much information, but it'll be too late for the morning after pill by then," Kurt reminded her.
"I know, but I think that's what I want to do."
"You know I think you're being unreasonable as usual."
"Yeah, you're right, but if it's meant to be, then it's meant to be."
"Do you want me to stay with you until Heidi comes home? You might change your mind. It won't be too late. Emergency Rooms are open 24 hours a day," Kurt offered.
"You know that I would love your company. Heidi won't get back from the rehearsal rooms until 10:30," Rachel smiled weakly at Kurt.
"Okay, it seems that you've made your mind up so I won't try to twist your arm. I brought my study notes, so I'll just wait with you until Heidi gets home."
When Heidi came through the door at 10:30 both Rachel and Kurt were asleep on the couch with their college work spread around them.
Rachel began to stir, and Heidi asked if she had gotten to see Finn. Kurt woke up, exchanged pleasantries and then excused himself to head back to his own dorm.
"It's late, and I've got an early class, call me if you need me," Kurt said giving Rachel a sympathetic look as he left.
Rachel didn't tell Heidi what she had told Kurt. For now there was really no point since she had decided against the morning after pill. She would wait to see if her period arrived on time and then she would make some decisions.
As she crawled into her bed that night, the sheets and pillow smelled like Finn. Clutching the pillow closer, she inhaled deeply wishing he were there with her. Deep down she knew Finn would probably agree with Kurt and not take the chance. But she was already beginning to fall in love with the idea of a baby that had Finn's dimples and his lop- sided smile.
Two mornings later she was relieved, but also the tiniest bit sad when her period had started. Realistically it was for the best, her brain knew that. But her heart also had envisioned a baby bump and having a baby with Finn. But this really wasn't the best time she thought to herself. Kurt had been anxiously waiting too, so she called him.
"Kurt, it was a false alarm. I got my period this morning."
"What?" Kurt yawned into the phone trying to wake himself. "That's good new, isn't it?"
"Yes, that's good news. I thought about what you said. It's just Finn's leaving so soon, and there's the possibility that he won't come back."
"Rachel, he could get hit by a bus tomorrow too. You've got to stop thinking about Finn dying, and start thinking about the day he's discharged and you've graduated."
"I know, it's just all this stuff, being a wife, being an Army wife is new to me. You've got to stand by me while he's deployed, other wise I'll probably loose my mind."
"You need to be strong for him. He can't dodge bullets and worry about you worrying about him at the same time."
"I thought you said that he was going to be safe and sound in the motor pool."
"I'm sorry; I didn't mean it that way. Finn's going to be very busy. You need to do the same. Talk to Carole and tell her what you're feeling. She's been there, she can help you."
"I want to, but she's as worried about Finn as I am. I don't want to be a burden to her too."
"I think it would do both of you a lot of good if you got through this together. All this is new to you, and now she going through it all over again. Carole doesn't show it, but Dad says that she's worried sick."
"As usual you always have the better ideas. I'll call Carole after I get back from class and she how she's doing."
-/-
Finn and Puck's final weeks in the States flew by. No sooner than they had gotten acquainted with their new unit than they were given two weeks off before deployment.
Puck went home to Lima to spend his time with his mom, sister and nana.
Finn made a quick trip to DC to see his mom and Burt, but every free moment that Rachel could spare from her classes and studies were spend with her.
They spent long afternoons seeing the sights of New York or just being together. One lazy afternoon she asked him what he thought about having a baby now.
"Rachel, if the timing was different, I would like nothing better than to have a houseful of children with you when we can provide for them, but right now isn't a good time. What brought this up?" Finn asked.
"I had a bit of a scare. Do you remember the afternoon when I picked you up at the airport and we spent the afternoon in my dorm room getting reacquainted?" Rachel asked as she gave Finn a shy smile.
"Yes, Baby I do. It was an amazing afternoon. What about it?" Finn asked.
"Well, we didn't exactly follow the birth control directions correctly."
"Rachel, are you pregnant?" Finn stammered in surprise.
"No, I'm not. I got my period a few days later, but for the moment I kind of liked the idea of a little Finn Hudson running around."
"Rach, you have your dreams and the city of New York laid out in front of you. I'm on my way to Afghanistan. Now isn't the best time. I'm glad that you're not pregnant."
"What if I had been?"
"We would have found a way to handle it, but we aren't ready to bring a baby into the world right now. It wouldn't have been fair to a baby."
"You're right, but it was a warm and fuzzy daydream."
"Baby, I want to have children with you, and if that's what you want, we'll start trying after I'm discharged. I promise. I just can't go off and fight in a war half a world away and leave you here to raise a baby alone. My mom did that, but it wasn't easy, especially after my dad died."
"That's my point, even though your dad died, your mom still had a part of him. She had you. She says that you're so much like him."
"Is that where all of this is coming from? Are you afraid that I'm not coming back?" Finn asked seriously.
Rachel only nodded as a small tear escaped her eye.
Finn wrapped his arm around her and pulled her chin so that she was facing him.
"I promise you. I'm going to do everything in my power to come back to you in one piece. Please don't worry. The Army trained me to be a diesel mechanic. I'm going to be fixing trucks. But you have to promise me that you aren't going to sit here and spend every minute worried sick."
"Okay, I'll try, but first you have to kiss me," Rachel tried to smile.
"I can do that," Finn smiled back before he caught her lips with his.
-/-
The day that Finn and Puck left for Afghanistan was the hardest one. Carole and Burt had flown in and Kurt and Blaine were there to see Finn and Puck off. Puck's mother and little sister were there tpp. His sister gave Puck a small American flag. Rachel had cried until her face was puffy and red.
Dozens of other servicemen and women were there as well. Husbands, wives, children, parents were all there doing the same thing. Saying good bye to the ones they loved.
"Please don't worry," Finn whispered in her ear as she hung on to him tightly.
Before one last kiss, Finn turned to Kurt and said, "I'm counting on you to look after her while I'm gone."
"Don't worry, I will. When Blaine moves to New York, we're going to look for an apartment that's big enough for all four of us."
"That's right, you're going to have a home waiting for you right her in New York," Rachel sniffed.
An officer in charge had waited as long as he could, but was announcing that it was now time to say good-bye and load the buses for the plane that awaited them.
"I'm not saying goodbye," Rachel stammered through her sobs. "I'm saying See You Soon."
"That's right. This isn't good bye. This I'm Coming Back," Finn was crying now too.
Rachel hung onto his fingers for as long as she could, but soon he was gone. She waved until the bus that carried he and Puck was long out of sight. Then she turned to Kurt as her knees buckled under her.
"Rachel, we're going to get through this together," Carole knelt beside her daughter-in-law. "Finn's coming back to us. I can feel it in my bones."
Burt, Blaine, and Kurt helped the two women to their waiting car.
"You're trying to comfort me. My husband just got on that bus, but what about you. Your son just got on that bus too," Rachel said between sobs to Carole.
"I know, but this is what he felt like he had to do. He's depending on us to be strong for him. Rachel can we do that? Can you and I be strong for Finn?" Carole asked her daughter-in-law.
"I can do anything for Finn," Rachel whispered back.
The scene was repeated on the bus and on the plane. Finn and Puck didn't cry, but they certainly felt like it. As the plane lifted off, every serviceman on the plane stretched for the windows for one last glimpse of America before there was nothing left but ocean.
Touching down in Europe that night to take on more fuel, Finn had gone to sleep somewhere over the Atlantic. His neck was stiff from the awkward position it had been in. It was still dark when the plane took off again. The next stop would be Kandahar, Afghanistan. They would be there by morning.
Until the next chapter, thank you for reading and reviewing.
Whistler Nights.