I wrote the first part of this chapter (the important part with Bobby's email in it) a month ago before going away for a week. I had every intention of writing more on it while I was away, but it as it turns out, interstate holidays to meet a new baby niece are really busy... so it didn't happen. And then I got home and was super distracted. And, of course, I needed to write that chapter of the secret project before I could post this one... but hey, better late than never, right? (O.O)

Chapter 25

I'd thought the tension in my body before accepting the Skype call had been excruciating, but it was nothing compared to the crushing, vice-like grip that was now wrapping around my chest. I could hardly breathe. I was almost certain I was having a panic attack. Two days I'd waited for this email, and now I was too distressed to open it? That was whack. If Bobby email contained an explanation for our sudden purposeful meeting of lips at the airport, I had to read it.

So taking a deep breath to fill my aching lungs, I pushed down all the ill-feelings in my body until they were in my pinkie toe and manoeuvred the mouse pointer over Bobby's name. I clicked. I clenched my eyes shut. Peeked at the screen with one eye. And finally worked up the courage to train both eyes on the words written there.

From: morethanjustamedic

To:

Subject: RE: The Airport

Dear Stephanie,

First of all, I apologise for this long period of silence. I'd like to tell you that I was run off my feet with work and haven't had time to sit down and read your emails, let alone reply to them, but I'd be lying, and you deserve better than that. So the truth is, I read your emails as soon as they came in, and I've tried to reply before now, but nothing has felt right. And you deserve it to be right.

I know I've been just as big an asshole as Ranger by leaving you in the lurch, and I should have just told you how I feel straight up instead of kissing you and leaving you hanging.

So here goes (better late than never, right?... although that didn't work out so great for Ranger… Shit. Please don't hate me. I don' think I could live with myself if I drove you away with my own stupidity). I've admired you for a long time. Your strength. Your unwavering sense of identity in the face of everything the Burg had tried to push on you. Your drive. There's an air about you that you know who you are, you know what you want and you're going to get it no matter what even if you don't know exactly ow at the moment. A point that was driven home when you were faced with this latest adversity.

You already know my feelings about what Ranger did to you and I'm sure you don't want the details of how we treated him in the gym after finding out that he hadn't informed you of the new policy change. So I'll let that one lie with the mere reminder that no amount of shared history or loyalty to Ranger could turn me against you when all he was doing was making a fool of himself and putting you in danger.

I like you, Stephanie Plum. In fact, I'm pretty sure I love you. I've ad feeling for you for a long time. I thought, for both our sakes, that I could pretend they didn't exist. I didn't want to put any pressure on our friendship, especially knowing that you were with Ranger. I wasn't about to disrespect you both by trying to come between you.

Recently though, seeing the way Ranger has treated you has only strengthened those feelings I've tried to deny almost the entire time I've known you. So when you asked if there was a girl in my life, of course I wanted there to be. I wanted to let you know how I felt, how I've always felt. But I couldn't, for so many reasons. I didn't know for certain what your relationship status with Ranger was. I didn't want to make a fool of myself by assuming anything and I certainly didn't want to put extra stress n you by revealing those sorts of emotions in front of the other guys. Peer pressure and all that.

I want you do know that at no point in the last few weeks have I lied to you, except by omission.

When you started talking about making the right time rather than waiting for it to come along I knew I had to do something about the feelings I have for you. But we were on the way to the airport. You were leaving for England for an undetermined length of time. My window of opportunity was very small.

I'd put many hours of thought into how to tell you. I'd picked out just the right words and expressions and settings, but all I had was a few minutes, a car and a curb. Probably, I should have just kept it all to myself. I was selfish, though. When I saw you walking away, I couldn't do it. I had to let you know. And the only way I could think to convey all the feelings and emotions I have for you in the couple of seconds we had left was with a kiss.

I'm so sorry I left you hanging for so long. I can only imagine what it's been doing to your anxiety levels. I should have sent you an email straight away explaining all of this. I was a coward. A selfish coward who was too scared of your rejection to be honest and forthcoming with you.

I've been just as bad as Ranger in that respect and I understand completely if you reject me for that reason. I won't hold it against you, but I hope that we can still be friends.

Bobby.

I read it three times, trying to help it sink in. There were a lot of points in there for my brain to reconcile with. The references to his behaviour in comparison to Rangers were frustrating. Nothing Bobby had done in the six years I'd known him came anywhere close to what Ranger had done. So he'd harboured a secret crush. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't fantasised about half the Merry Men. The only thing that bothered me was the fact that by the end of the email he seemed to be attempting to backtrack. Like he was trying to undo everything he'd said throughout the entire body of the email by requesting that we remain friends.

He spent, like, eight hundred words telling me how he thinks he loves me and always has, and then that last sentence was like he was breaking up with me before we'd even started anything. I didn't know what to think. Did he regret letting me know?

A burst of anger escaped me at that thought and I'd hit reply before I'd even thought about it. I bashed out a few words, read them back and deleted them in quick succession before taking a deep breath, closing my eyes for a few minutes and trying again. More slowly. Part of me wanted to leave it a few days before replying to let him know how it felt, but the other part of me knew that that was petty and uncalled for.

From:

To: morethanjustamedic

Subject: RE: RE: The Airport

Dear Bobby,

I don't know how to tell you this so that you don't think too much into it and blow it way out of proportion, or whatever, so I hope you understand. I'll try to be precise and explicit.

I'm flattered that you feel that way about me, and finally found the courage to let me know. It would have been nice to find out a little more promptly after our PDA at the airport, but it is what it is, and I know now. Like you said, better late than never (I know you're worried about the comparison to Ranger in this aspect, and I want you to know that it doesn't even come close to rivalling what he did. Yes, I was frustrated at the lack of explanation, but at least your actions didn't put me in any immediate or ongoing danger). But I don't feel like right now is the right time to start a relationship. Especially a long distance one. I have to focus on my training so I can be better at my job and not cause so much havoc wherever I go. I can't have any distractions pulling my mind away from my task.

I hope you know that this isn't an outright rejection. I'm acknowledging your declaration and responding with as much maturity as I can muster. I'm still stinging from Ranger's actions. Between that and the fact that I'm likely to be over here in England for a couple of months at least, I just don't think it would be smart to welcome in a personal distraction.

We will remain friends, so don't even try to back out like some asshole gentleman deciding I need space. For now, we maintain the status quo. When I get back, though, we're going to have a serious talk to re-evaluate. I'd love to give us a chance, but we deserve a proper chance, one that isn't marred by the shadow of Ranger's betrayal and a few thousand miles of ocean between us.

Stephanie.

I hit send and closed the lid of the laptop. I didn't need to think about it anymore tonight. I needed to get some mental preparation done, just like Brandon said, and the only way I could see to do that was to push the thing with Bobby out of my mind, now that I knew that it really was a thing and not just a dare or an experiment or an accident, and google how one executed a bedtime yoga routine, and what exactly the benefits of learning to play the piano were.

According to the Steinway website, playing piano was a workout all of its own, even though you were sitting down. It mentioned stuff like hand eye coordination, fine motor skills, slowing the aging process and improving intellect. It has been known to improve verbal memory and has a calming ability. I'm going to go ahead and assume that the calming stuff is referring to people who can actually play piano. I doubted that plunking out Row, Row, Row Your Boat in a stilted and halting manner was going to calm me down.

So maybe there was a point to learning piano. We'd see ow well that worked out over the coming weeks. For now, I would set six alarms for the morning so that I had zero chance of sleeping through them this time, and set out my workout clothes ready to be put on. Pinterest said that being a morning person could be achieved this way and if I was going to be getting up for such actions as running every morning for the next however long this took, I'd need to become one. I'm positive Brandon would prefer to be greeted by a human being first thing in the morning, rather than a zombie.

I'd love to promise not to take as long to update next time, but given everything that I have going on right now, I'd rather not try it. So instead, rest assured (all those who read and review to ask me if I'm going to finish) that I WILL finish this story no matter what. It may take months or years, but it will one day be completed.