Trigger warning- suicide, self-harm, and depression. Mentions of anorexia- but they're extremely minor. Enjoy.
"He hates me."
Austin's words hold no emotion. He stares right through me, his eyes glazing over. "He fucking hates my guts. He wants me to go to hell. He wants me to die."
"Aus-"
"No." His voice is steely calm. "Put me down."
"Are you alright?"
"Put. Me. Down," Austin growls.
He's clearly distressed- and I don't want to worsen it, so I nod, lowering him to the ground. He winces for a second, as he straightens, but the look disappears from his face in a matter of seconds.
"Don't come after me," he mutters, shoving his hands in his pockets, and heading back for the waiting room.
My heart clenches in fear, as I watch him- but I know that it's better to leave him alone. Besides- I do have words for Riker. He should be grateful to Austin- and I'm honestly pissed at him for that shit he said.
Without stopping to think about it, I barge into his hospital room, fury burning in my mind.
Dez enters my hospital room with a murderous look on his face- and I don't care. I don't care about anything- I'm just fucking pissed that this didn't work. I wanted to fucking die- not for Austin to make sure I didn't bleed out. I'm never successful with this type of shit- I was an idiot for thinking it would work.
Rocky is trying to reason with me- and Ratliff ran out of the room- not before giving me a death glare. He's obviously gone to comfort Austin- but I don't want to think about him right now.
"Alright Riker, what the fuck was that?!" Dez growls, his eyes flashing.
"The truth," I mutter, crossing my arms over my chest. "Weren't you listening?"
"I heard every goddamn word," Dez replies. "And so did Austin. How fucking selfish are you?! He saved your goddamn life. Do you know how badly you fucking scared him?! Do you know how badly it fucking traumatized him- finding your almost dead body on the goddamn bathroom floor?! He saved you. And you basically told him to kill himself."
I open my mouth to say something, but he holds up a hand. "I'm not finished. You don't know this- but last week- we managed to get him to tell the story of his goddamn rape. And god fucking dammit, Riker, he really wanted you there. He needed you there. He loves all four of you guys the fucking same- but you saved him. And he feels closest to you. Your fucking words had more of an impact on him than anything Ally could've said to him, you fucking asshole."
My eyes widen. A cold sweat washes over me- as I heed his words. My stomach rolls, as everything finally sets in. "Shit…"
"Shit is right," Dez snorts. "What the fuck were you thinking?!"
"I don't know," I mumble. "I don't fucking know. I was a fucking asshole. I am a fucking asshole. I guess I was just so caught up in wanting to die. This was my second attempt, and I was just extremely frustrated that it didn't work…"
"Austin!"
I glance up, wiping the tears from my cheeks. Ratliff is running toward me, his face lined with concern. I sigh angrily, brushing more tears away. Why did he feel the need to follow me? I'm fucking fine- I don't need to be checked upon every five goddamn minutes. I'm not that fragile.
"What do you want?" I grumble, as he drops down onto the bench next to me.
"I'm sorry," he says breathlessly. "Riker shouldn't have said that. It was uncalled for and absolutely awful, and I'm so sorry you had to hear it."
"Don't be sorry," I reply. "You didn't say it. And it's the truth- so who cares? It's better me hearing it early, than hurting you all by being here- and realizing it much later."
"Austin." Ratliff shakes his head. "Riker did not speak the truth. We love you. We are not hurting by you being here- you actually made everything better for us. We were honestly about to lose hope, before you showed up- a ray of sunshine falling on our previously awful lives."
"They haven't gotten any better with me here," I sigh. "You and Riker attempted suicide- Rocky got into a car accident, Rydel probably relapsed with anorexia- and I am no better. We're all still so damn fucked up."
"It may be so," Ratliff agrees. "But we're still a family."
"A fucked up, dysfunctional family," I mumble. "Admit it, we're a fucking mess."
"I'm not gonna lie- we are a mess," Ratliff replies. "But we're not unfixable. I attempted suicide on impulse, Aus. I didn't know what I was thinking- I honestly wasn't thinking. I'm glad I didn't die."
"Riker isn't," I say bitterly. "He hates me for saving him. He wants me to die. He wants me to go to hell."
"No." Ratliff's tone is steely calm. "No, he doesn't. He saved you, Austin. He loves you so much- he was just angry. When you attempt suicide, and it doesn't work- you're honestly pissed. You don't want to blame yourself- though it is your fault- so you pick someone to blame for it. I did that to Rocky. I don't know if you read his part of my suicide note- but I basically told him that his negligence was the reason I tried to end it. I wanted to blame someone that wasn't me- and he was the easiest person to put the blame on. That's exactly what Riker's done to you. And it's horrible and awful and I can promise you that Dez and Rocky are chewing him out right now- what he said has no meaning."
"It means something to me, Ratliff," I mutter. "Riker saved me, yes. He's the one I'm closest to- and his words have more of an impact on me than anything else. I listen to his words- and read into them so much- because I owe my life to him, and I honestly wouldn't be here- if it wasn't for him. No matter how much you try to convince me otherwise- the fact that he told me to go to hell- to die- will always stay with me."
I'm discharged a couple hours later- and I immediately ask Rydel to drive me home. She's still barely speaking to me- none of them are happy with me right now- and I honestly don't blame them. What I said to Austin was unforgivable- he has every right to hate my fucking ass.
He, Rocky, Ratliff, and Dez are home already- I can see why they didn't want to remain at the hospital. Rydel only stayed because she had to drive me- I'm not allowed to drive for at least a week- because of the many stitches on my arm.
Rydel parks in our driveway, and I open my door- immediately jumping out and running for the house. There's something I have to do. Something I have to say. Austin deserves one thousand million apologies for what I said- but I need to find him first. Find him- and hope he's alright. Mentally sane, at least. I doubt anyone in his situation would be okay right now.
I run straight for the room I share with Rydel. Well- Rydel and Austin. His stuff is all in my room- he didn't want to bother with a room of his own- and he usually sleeps with me most nights- so it works out. He'll most likely be in here- I hope. I crack open the door, praying with everything I have in me- that he's not cutting himself. He doesn't deserve to hurt himself over a dickhead like me.
But what I see almost makes me want to vomit.
Austin is sitting on my bed- but there's a pill bottle next to him- and one in his hands. He looks up when I enter- his facial expression betraying nothing.
"What is it, Riker?" He asks in a monotone. His tone breaks my heart- I really did some damage to him…especially with the pills. He cannot kill himself- I will not let that happen. It's the least I can do- I have to make it up to him somehow.
"Put the pill bottle down, Austin," I reply, walking closer.
"Pfft. You probably want to see me swallow all these. After all, I should go to hell, right?" He scoffs.
"Austin- I didn't mean it. I love you so much- I'm so sorry. I didn't mean any of what I said. I'm so glad you saved me- so goddamn thankful. You're such an amazing, selfless, and beautiful person- and you didn't deserve it."
"It's too late for that," he mutters. "You told me the truth. You confirmed what I'd been thinking all along. So- I thank you for that. But it's time for me to go. For me to get out of your lives- and stop screwing them up. You've gone through over two months of hell with me- and I'm going to finally put you at peace."
"NO!" I scream. "Don't you fucking dare!"
He shakes his head, unscrewing the cap of the bottle in his hands, and dumping the contents into his cupped palms. The amount of tiny pills he's holding- truly terrify me to the bone. I'm crying, tears streaking my cheeks, as I beg.
"Austin, no!" I cry. "Don't fucking leave me, I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" I attempt to pull him into my arms, but he shoves me away- with newfound strength that shocks the hell out of me.
"You did me a favor, Rik," he says softly. "Thank you. I love you all- don't forget that. Try not to forget me, yeah? I don't blame you for anything you've said- I deserved it, after all. Don't feel guilty- and don't let the others blame you for it. This is entirely my own doing."
And then- he swallows the pills in a single gulp.
So- I'm probably gonna get murdered, right? Well...I'm not telling you what's up next chapter- but Austin's life is hanging by a single thread. 160 reviews, and you'll get the chapter early. Thanks for reading- hope you enjoyed.
-Neha