"More?" Armin asked, holding the fork topped with a giant piece of German chocolate in front of my lips.
I was lying upside down on the sofa, my mouth open to receive bite after bite of the mouth-watering cake Armin had brought over. Good soul that he was, he'd taken to feeding me as soon as I'd announced that I still didn't feel up to eating. Ever since my conversation with Levi three days ago, my appetite had—ostensibly—returned. Not full force. Not even pilot flame, I admit that. All I could stomach at the time were sweets. That sure as hell didn't contain all the essential nutrients my body needed after my strict diet of nothing, but it was at least something. And something was better than nothing. At this point, anyway.
"Yes," I moaned, relishing the melting chocolate on my tongue.
Maybe I can live off of just chocolate, I mused to myself as Armin fed me another piece. Maybe not, but I could try. With the way things were going now, I probably would. Small favors, Eren. Small favors.
"I can't believe it's only one more week until senior year," Armin said with way too much excitement for my taste. He was literally vibrating next to me. "Summer's gone by so fast."
Yeah, it's really gone by in a flash. Summer days filled with love and sex and laughter will do that to you. Summer days consisting of gray eyes and barely-there smiles; of soft touches and even softer kisses; of desire and exploration and intimacy. Of experiencing desire so fierce that it feels all-consuming; of exploring someone not only by touching their skin, but by touching their heart; of learning how to be intimate without getting physical. Summer days spent falling in love, every day a little more. Spent realizing what it means to find the one person that's meant for you, only to have them ripped away from you. And by your own fault, too. If someone had told me this was how my summer would go, I'd have laughed at them. Straight in their face. Wouldn't you?
"It's official," Mikasa said as she rounded the corner to join Armin and me in the living room, an empty platter in her hand. "Eren, you've obliterated all the sweets we bought. Two days ago. Seriously, there's nothing left."
I watched her from my position on the sofa and gave a noncommittal shrug. She should take a page from Armin's book and praise me for eating at all.
She lifted an eyebrow at me and crossed her arms. "What do we want to do for dinner? Order something?"
"I think there's still some mac'n'cheese left," Armin remarked, "Do you want me to take a look?"
"No, it's fine. You keep... feeding Eren," Mikasa said. "I got it."
She turned back and returned the way she came. While she did her best to whip up something real for us to eat, I ogled the last piece of cake Armin had slid on the fork.
He turned to me, lips already open to probably ask if I wanted more, when he caught sight of my waiting mouth and burst into a laugh instead. On top of that, my belly gave a low growl.
"I'm just so relieved to see you eating again," Armin said for what must have been the twentieth time, wiping small tears from his eyes. I didn't know if they'd come with his laughing fit or the relief he'd mentioned. The latter perhaps, he was sweet like that.
The fork was only half an inch away from my lips when a deafening crack broke the quietness inside the living room. I jolted along with Armin, who dropped the fork and the precious cake on the coffee table in front of us. At first, I was paralyzed. I couldn't place the sound immediately, the only thing I knew was that it had originated from somewhere inside the house.
"What the-" I began, meeting Armin's wide blue eyes, but was promptly cut off by a cheerful holler from the entrance area. Seconds later, an ash blonde shock of hair attached to a stupidly grinning face rounded the corner. I released the loudest sigh in the history of sighs.
"Jean Kirschstein."
"In the flesh!" he exclaimed upon hearing his name.
He strode over to where we were perched on the sofa, displaying his usual, ridiculous amount of confidence. Seriously, I'd never know how someone of his appearance could be self-absorbed enough to be this confident. When he reached us, he did a silly little bow and winked. I wanted to gag, even if that meant losing all the delicious cake I'd practically just inhaled. To be a tad less extreme, I only rolled my eyes at him and got to pick up the cake he'd denied me by forcing entry into my home.
"Hey," Armin smiled, getting up to give Jean a tight hug.
Jean proceeded to sweep an unsuspecting Armin off his feet, turning him around a few times and laughing over Armin's squeals of protest.
"Hey there!" he greeted after setting Armin back down. "How's it going?"
Armin smiled good-naturedly and gave a wobbly nod. "Things are… good."
To my dismay, the sweet innocence of Armin encompassed a tragic inability to lie. Were someone to ask me about Jean Kirschstein's intelligence, I'd have lied and said you'd find his picture if you looked up the definition of dumb. In reality, the idiot was perceptive enough to know things were not good as soon as Armin looked to me for guidance on if he'd answered that question right.
"When did you get back?" Armin asked instead, obviously trying to change topics.
Jean's amber eyes lingered on me for a second too long; I could see him watching me rather suspiciously from the corner of my eye, but then he shrugged and turned back to Armin. I suppressed a relieved sigh.
"An hour ago, actually. I haven't even unpacked yet, I figured I needed to set out to see my favorite people in the world. Well… one of my favorites. This picture of misery over there is not among the chosen."
"Fuck you too," I grumbled, not bothering to spare him a glance.
He laughed obnoxiously, just like I knew he would, and then - to my horror - he skipped over and plopped down next to me.
"No, seriously…" he began, his gaze raking over my face, "What is wrong with you? I mean, you've never been the belle of the village, but today… you somehow don't even look good enough to be the butcher."
I shuffled away from him on the sofa, but the jerk skidded after me, his eyes following my every move.
"Oh, really?" I snorted sarcastically. "What gave you the idea? Is it my black eye, by any chance?"
I pointed to the vibrant shadow of yellow-green around my eye and lifted an eyebrow at him. Based on his lack of reaction, he hadn't noticed the leftover traces of my injury yet, but he would. And when he did, he'd point them out and give me shit for it in typical Jean manner. Might as well reveal the obvious before he had the chance to.
His eyes grew wide at the sight, and then he was in my face. Literally. His hands grabbed my cheeks and pulled my head towards himself for a thorough inspection.
"Oh my god, you have a black eye!" he roared. "What the hell, Jeager! How did that happen?"
I fought the urge to headbutt his nose - wouldn't be the first time - and shoved him away from me. "None of your damn business."
He looked at me. I looked at him. There was utter silence in the room and then Armin's insecure chuckle of please don't fight again?
Jean burst into laughter and smacked my thigh. I put another six inches of distance between us. Was it just me or was that horse awfully chummy today? I could barely stand being near him as it was, this new cuddling thing he had going on was giving me the creeps.
"Damn, I can't believe someone else beat me to giving you a black eye. Now, who do I need to thank for that?" he laughed.
"Nobody, asshole. I tripped."
He snorted. "Even though it's definitely debatable, I'm quite sure not even you are that stupid. So, who did it?"
Jean changed tactics when he met silence on my part, fixing his gaze on Armin instead. Damn you, Jean.
I shot an imploring glance at Armin and prayed he'd be strong enough to avoid withering under the infamous Kirschstein stare.
"Uh, nobody did. Eren just... he slipped."
"He slipped? Let me guess, was it on the ice on the sidewalk?" Jean asked disbelievingly. "Come on, Armin. Either you tell me, or I'm sending a mass text to the entire school asking them. I'm sure somebody knows."
My heart plummeted. Jean was friends with a lot of people from school (undoubtedly all bribed), if he went around asking people who'd given me a black eye, everybody would know that I had one. It would be the piece of gossip to kick off the new school year and I was most definitely not in the mood to be the center of attention. A cold shudder breezed through me when I thought about everyone knowing what had happened; why I had a black eye and what I'd done to deserve it. To make things worse, I wouldn't put it beyond Jean to make his threat of a mass text a reality just to get back at me.
"You wouldn't," Armin said, the slightest waver in his voice. "Would you?"
"Watch me." Jean made a show of slipping his iPhone X out of his pocket and unlocking it.
Reason evaded me. And apparently, any and all feelings of disgust as well when I flung myself at Jean in an attempt to take the phone off him. His yell of surprise quickly morphed to nasty cackling when he realized how desperate I was. That damn bastard.
We rolled around on the sofa, Jean managing to push me into the cushions in all of three minutes. With how little resistance I was able to put up after going through hell the past few days, I wasn't even surprised. Even while I'd been feeling better after my talk with Levi in the park, everything inside me was still broken and raw. So far, I'd not been able to figure out whether I was healing or not. I didn't even know why I cared. As long as I didn't have Levi, I'd never be whole again anyway.
This stupid sting began to prick my eyes anew and I ceased resisting from where Jean had pushed me down on the sofa.
"Fine," I conceded, giving him my most venomous glare, "Since the concept of tact seems to be utterly foreign to you, I'll tell you. As soon as you get your damn horse ass off of me."
Jean watched me. Something passed his eyes and suddenly, he let me go. Moving off, he retreated to the far end of the sofa and gave me a sideways glance while I attempted to find my bearings (after having Jean on top of me, blergh).
"Hey man, it's okay, you don't have to-"
"It was Farlan Church," I cut in. "Satisfied now?"
For the second time that day, his eyes went wide, his mouth dropping open. He looked ridiculous. More ridiculous than usual.
"Farlan Church?" he repeated. "Tall, blonde, blue-eyed Farlan Church who wouldn't hurt a damn fly?"
"Well, as you can see, he's perfectly able to hurt more than a fly," I retorted.
Jean leaned back against the sofa, putting a finger to his chin in contemplation. "Now that's strange. You know, I'm friends with Farlan. Have been ever since we had History class together last year. I never got the impression he'd be the type to throw a punch. Just what happened between you guys?"
My heart missed a beat… If Jean knew Farlan, did he know Levi as well? And how could I ask him about it without having to explain why?
I was saved from answering the question by Mikasa, who returned from the kitchen, a delicious scent of macaroni and cheese following her.
Jean all but jumped out of his seat, his face flushing beet red all the way up to the tips of his ears. To everyone's amusement, this was what always happened when the ever-smooth Jean laid eyes on my best friend. His crush was so obvious that it was almost cute. If anything Jean did could be called cute, that was.
"M-M-Mikasa!" he stammered, "I-I didn't know you were here! Uhm, hi!"
"Hi Jean," she said, giving him one of her rare, tight-lipped smiles. "How was your trip?"
His hand came up to rub the back of his neck before it moved on to brush through the shaved part of his hair. Looking at his undercut made me remember the beautiful raven undercut of my just as beautiful ex-boyfriend and how much I missed running my fingers through it. How much I missed looking into those bottomless, gray eyes while I did it; watching as they grew heavy-lidded with delight he tried so hard to conceal, before turning to liquid silver with the desire that would subsequently follow.
"...so yeah, I'm glad to be back." I heard Jean say somewhere at my periphery. I couldn't focus on what he was saying. I was still caught up in memories, which was as pointless as it was ineluctable. If memories were all I'd have left in the end, I'd gladly wallow in them for however long it took me to let go. Even if it hurt. Pain was a small price to pay when enduring it meant remembering every second I'd shared with Levi. Every time he'd touched my skin, every kiss he'd pressed to my lips, every single whispered I love you.
"Earth to Jeager, hello?" Someone nudged me in the side and I came back to my living room, blinking the remnants of Levi reluctantly out of my mind.
"What?" I said, my voice sounding as if I'd just woken from a long sleep, scratchy and off.
Mikasa and Armin threw each other a worried glance before returning their eyes back on me, Jean watching their exchange with rapt attention. It was obvious how quickly he was catching on. Considering the poor play we were putting on display, I couldn't even blame him.
"We were talking about my back to school party next weekend. You remember? The party I'm always throwing at my place the weekend before school? The best party ever?"
Oh, I did remember. In fact, I remembered Jean's parties all too well. For the main part, I remembered the drunken makeouts, the skinny dipping in Jean's pool, the hangovers on the first Monday of a new school year. All that used to be such great fun—a place I had to be, a social event I wouldn't miss for the world. While all the others around me would see off the last weekend in freedom with drinks and laughter, I'd be somewhere in the middle of the crowd, holding on. Refusing to let this summer go just like everybody else, although for entirely different reasons. I didn't know if I could manage confronting myself with the end of summer, though I supposed if I had to do it, I wouldn't be opposed to doing it with a copious amount of cheap alcohol running through my system. I had never been the type to drink my problems away, but once in a while, why not? I was heartbroken after all, when was a buzz more justified than it was now? The better question would be, perhaps, why I gave two shits about it. If alcohol could make me forget, even just for a few hours, I'd be down with it. Plus, if I got shitfaced at a party where everyone was shitfaced, I wouldn't feel so miserable about myself. Or at least that's what I was telling myself.
Armin gave a genuine smile and nodded at Jean. "I'm coming! We're gonna have a blast."
Mikasa looked from him to me. "I'm going if you're going, Eren."
Of course. I rolled my eyes at her. "You can do whatever you want to do, Mikasa. No need to follow me around."
She stayed silent and I knew why. We'd had this argument before, so many times, that the outcome seemed to be set in stone at this point. She'd watch out for me whenever she could and at a party? Where there was alcohol and people and about two hundred other sources of possible danger? She'd be there, no matter what. I could either resign to my fate or stay home.
While I pondered my options, a foot nudged me beneath the coffee table. My gaze landed on Jean, who stared at me… pleadingly. Alright, maybe I'd lost my touch on reality, but I couldn't appoint that look to anything else. It was definitely pleading to me. And then, things clicked. He wanted Mikasa at his party, and now that she'd hinged her decision to go on mine, Jean needed me. Literally. God, this was too good of an opportunity. He'd owe me for that one. But would I make it easy for him? No way in hell.
"Hm… I'm not sure. I'm not really up for partying," I began, relaxing back against the couch and enjoying the view of Jean quaking in his spot.
"Hey man, come on," he said. Where his voice and stance had been dripping self-confidence earlier, both was shaking now, and being responsible for that gave me enormous satisfaction. "You can't miss this party. It's gonna be legendary. Gotta start senior year right, ya know?"
I shrugged. Every single fiber of Jean's body was tense with anticipation for my next words. He didn't even have to word it. It was there in plain sight, and damn, just why did I feel pity now when I'd never - not once - felt pity for Jean Kirschstein before?
I refused to believe my recent finding and losing of love had anything to do with my newfound sense of empathy. Especially for Jean, but goddammit, I could relate. So much. Jean was crushing hard on Mikasa and here I was, the key figure to give him a possibility to act on it. Mikasa might be very tight-lipped about her interests, but sometimes there were moments… where I thought there might actually be more than friendship for Jean on her end. Who knew. It was their job to figure it out and maybe the party would be the perfect opportunity to, so for once, I gave in and decided to be the wiser head out of the two of us. Maybe there would be at least one happy couple we could celebrate after this summer.
"Eren," Jean began again, searching my eyes. If I dragged this out just a little longer, I'd probably have him begging at my feet. If there was anything that would diminish his chances with Mikasa, it would be that pitiable view.
"Okay okay, I'm going. Dry your tears," I sighed, crossing my arms.
Armin clapped his hands cheerfully and Jean looked about ready to burst into real tears. He was quick to get a grip on himself though, mouthing a silent thank you and grinning like the fool he was.
"Not to interrupt this strange moment of bonding, but dinner's ready," Mikasa said with a nod towards the kitchen.
Jean walked over to her and made a show of sniffing the air. "You made mac'n'cheese? I'm staying for dinner!"
It wasn't a question. It was a statement. This was my house and my damn mac'n'cheese, yet I knew I wouldn't stand a chance at getting Jean to leave when Mikasa was over and there was a shot at some decent dinner, so I gave up without much of a fight and followed them to the dining room. Mikasa had already set the table, the steaming pot in the middle, along with a serving spoon. We took our seats and dug in. Well, everybody but me dug in. I still didn't feel up to eat anything that wasn't considered a calorie bomb. I pushed the food around on my plate, listening to my friends' excited chatter about the upcoming party and what classes to take for senior year. I tried to participate in the conversation, I really did, but after a few brief mhms and ahs, my mind began to wander again, back to Levi and Farlan and just how close he was to Jean. Armin was just asking who was invited and how many of the guests we knew, when Jean grew quiet. Eerily quiet.
I looked up from making a web with cheese strings on my plate and threw him a suspicious glance. He was fidgeting with his hands under the table before he took a deep breath and looked up, eyes immediately fixing on mine.
"Well… this is probably the point where I have to tell you that I invited Farlan and a few of his friends, but wait, hear me out!" he spoke up when he saw I'd already opened my mouth to give him shit for keeping this a secret from me. "He said his best friend is going through a lot right now, so they probably won't come. That's good, right? I mean, it sounded like it's basically certain they won't."
He gave me a meek smile and shrugged, but I barely registered it. Everything he'd said after 'his best friend is going through a lot right now' had missed me without a trace.
Levi. It had to be Levi, right?
"His best friend…?" I echoed, voice hollow, heart beating a mile a minute.
"Yeah," Jean said, scratching the back of his neck. "I don't even know his name. It's the raven shortie who's always around Farlan at school. Do you know him?"
The raven shortie. Oh my god.
I choked on air, hand fluttering up to my heart as if to calm its furious beating with the touch alone. My mind was reeling.
"You okay?" Jean asked, his expression genuinely worried now.
I forced a shaky smile and nodded. And I only managed that much because Armin gave me an encouraging pat.
"I'm good, sorry. It's just that... yes. I do know him. I met him this summer."
"Oh? So are you two close?"
My throat constricted. It was still so hard to talk about this.
"No… not really," I said, shaking my head slowly from side to side, like a broken robot.
It hurt so much to admit it, not even to them, but to myself, that yes - Levi and me, we were close. We used to be close. We used to be each other's everything until I went ahead and fucked up the most beautiful relationship I'd ever have. Goddammit, I knew it was useless to mourn all the what ifs, the countless possibilities that could have been mine if I'd only made the right decision. But it was so hard not to think about them, to turn them over every which way in my head, because if I'd stayed with Levi back then like I was supposed to, he'd be here. He'd sit with us at this table, tease me for gobbling food like a starved animal and wiping a stray piece of macaroni from my chin with a tender smile. I'd take him to Jean's party, only to sneak away to the nearest bathroom and kiss him senseless when nobody was looking. I'd get him a beer and pull him on my lap to sit together on the wooden bench in Jean's backyard. I'd make him dance with me until our cheeks were red and we were hopelessly out of breath from laughing too hard at my stupid dance moves. I'd start senior year holding his hand.
"Are you sure they won't come to the party?" It was out before I had the chance to realize I was producing words, much less any of the coherent sort.
"Well, I could ask him again?" Jean suggested. "I'm sure I could persuade him to come. Or not to come, depending on what you want. It's hard to believe I'm saying this, but I don't want it to be awkward for you."
I took a deep breath. Even if Farlan would be there, the chance of Levi tagging along was vanishingly small. But as long as there was still a chance, I had to try. Maybe this party could not only be Jean's opportunity to fix things, but mine as well.
"I want them to come," I said, surprising myself with the firmness of my voice.
Jean had already slipped his phone from his pocket and begun to type. "This could take some time. I don't know how much convincing is needed."
I nodded. Waited. Tried not to tap my toes beneath the table. Waited some more. Jean was typing away, presumably sending texts back and forth until his phone began to ring in his palm. Looking up, he said, "That's him. Gimme a sec."
He disappeared into the kitchen, and sadly, out of earshot. Both Armin and Mikasa gave me warm smiles. I knew they understood exactly what this could mean for me; if Farlan agreed to come. I just hoped that if he did, he'd bring Levi, even if I couldn't imagine he'd be in the mood to party. The odds were set against me, but I was still hoping. Still praying.
About ten minutes later, Jean came back to join us, fist-bumping the air. My heart was pounding so hard that I missed the first thing he said.
"Who's the best?" he grinned, puffing his chest. "You got it, Jeager. He's coming. I don't know about his friends, but I assume they will be there if he is. And now you better tell me why the hell you wanna see the guy who punched you in the face. You're really that suicidal?"
I felt three pairs of eyes on me when I smiled the first real smile since I'd met Levi in the park. Summer was almost over, but this… This could be my chance to make it stay.