For all my beloveds:
I don't think I ever tell you guys enough how much your words have made these past years bearable. From a struggling kid to what I guess I could call a 'writer', you have encouraged me with your words and with all the beautiful meaningful things you have given me. Thank you.
These years have been very difficult; I've muddled through severe depression and anxiety, both cases leaving me pretty much crippled in social situations. Trust was so hard to find and I couldn't make myself see how precious a person I was and could be to others. I didn't get very physical with this depression, thank God. I pray every day for those who suffer with their feelings and the lack of control that they can have and I hope that I can do whatever I can to heal anyone with these kinds of problems.
Don't ever doubt that you've played a part in my recover y – each beautiful, reassuring, word I've ever received has pulled me inch by inch out of the darkness. Because of you guys I can order food at a restaurant without getting so worried I throw up; because of you, my darlings, I am able to speak properly and I don't have to sleep all the time and waste away the beautiful opportunities I have been blessed with. I don't have to worry because I know that there are people in the world that don't even know me, but they have shared some kind, amazing words with me. They don't shun me or discourage me, or judge me. They accept me and praise me and think that the humble things I have to offer (that truly, can be so mediocre) are worth receiving.
I can't thank you enough for giving me the courage and the strength to push past the thoughts I used to have – the frightening things I thought about when I was laying in bed. I used to think about who would miss me and if it would just be better if I died, but do you know why I always seemed to update past midnight?
Well, for one thing, as you know, your spoons-san has always had bad cases of word-vomit, but also because at those times I would always want to make you guys happy so I would update and throw myself into my words. I share a lot of empathy for Hinata and for Naruto, for the rejection they felt and the invisibility they faced and the way they seemed to be able to push past that. Writing Moonstruck, was in its own way, my personal plea to push through the things I thought were impossible.
New chapters of my life are beginning now. I am extremely excited to be starting them – to live my life and be the best person I can be. Unfortunately, there are still a lot of things in my life that are hurtful and make me sad. My Father and is separating from my Mother, leaving my younger brother alone (I am old enough to take care of myself). He has declared that while parenting was a fun hobby, he has decided there are more important things to him – like buying cars and moving away and getting a new girl friend – than being a part of our family.
It has made me feel very rejected and abandoned, but I am not giving up this time.
I have so much strength and courage that I can face this and be strong.
Thank you so much for being my faithful friends and sticking with me. One day I will write a beautiful story and dedicate it to all of you and you can cherish its words, because they will be able to say what it is I want to say. For now I will write when my heart can take the effort – these emotional times are very trying, so please support my efforts, however little they may be.
After the holidays I will probably be cleaning out some of the clutter – Moonstruck and Sunbeams will still be up, as well as Crybaby! And Once Upon a Maybe, but the rest will most likely be deleted. I want to start fresh and be new again so that I can devote my time properly.
Until then, I will be updating this Saturday and then taking a hiatus until February at the earlist – though it may last longer; I have many feelings that need to be sorted out and issues in my home that I need to deal with. They are very painful and I am having trouble, but I will face them with all my strength.
Thank you so much for everything, even if you do not believe me or understand, just know that I am always grateful to the sweet anonymous faces that I can interact with.
If you ever wish to talk with me regularly, like my friend Perpetual, I am starting back up some correspondences with friends online. You can reach me at mangospoons(at gmail dot com) or petiteroux(at gmail dot com). I love friends and would be delighted to share with you my experiences if you have questions or even wish to ask advice or need someone to talk to.
I believe in my heart, and with my entire sincerity wish to tell you, as I will always tell you, because I believe too that you will completely understand:
May we always walk forward and continue climbing together towards the bright future, glowing like the sun.
Hand and hand, let us keep on walking towards the next days – may they always be warm and be full, no matter how cold the journey.
Love,
Hannah