Horizon:
The shuttle-ride was rather uneventful, but Kaidan would soon learn that his time on Horizon was not going to be an easy one.
As soon as the shuttle touched down and he sat a foot on the ground, he was met with looks of distrust and anger. His first attempt of communication went down the drain as well, with the man telling him to "get back where he came from", though not in quite as nice terms.
He guessed he looked more than a little confused as a woman finally approached him, looking a bit friendlier than the first people Kaidan had met.
"I am sorry," she said, taking Kaidan's hand and giving it a firm shake.
"We were told that someone from the Alliance was coming just recently and, well… Not everyone here is fond of them and in light of everything that's happened with other colonies…"
She gestured a little towards the people that still remained, giving Kaidan dirty looks as he and the woman started walking.
"But we will co-operate with you, sir, don't worry about that."
"I am glad to hear it and… Please. Call me Kaidan," Kaidan replied, smiling some at the woman, who returned it.
"And I am Lilith. A pleasure to meet you, Kaidan."
"The pleasure is all mine."
Lilith was kind enough to take Kaidan away from the worse of the crowd that had started appearing around the shuttle-area and towards the sleeping area, showing Kaidan to the room he would be staying it.
It wasn't so much a room as it was a small apartment for himself, though it was a few minutes away from the more populated areas of the colony. Kaidan guessed that the colonist didn't even want him sleeping near them.
After he had put his belongings there, Lilith started showing him around the colony, showing him where the main computers were, the different junction-points of the electronics and the back-up generators. She also showed Kaidan where the Alliance had put up the defence towers before his arrival, giving him enough time to write down the codes of each one so he could start calibrating them.
As far as Kaidan could see, the colony was well stocked and well provided with whatever they needed, though he could understand Anderson's concern about defence. He could not see a single defence-system except from the weapon-storage area and the so-far useless defence towers. He would have to get them up and running as soon as possible.
After finishing the tour, Lilith introduced Kaidan to the man in charge of the mechanics on the colony; a man that Kaidan figured had decided to hate him on sight.
The man, named Delan, seemed very unwilling to give Kaidan even a sliver of help, but he reluctantly gave Kaidan access to the main computers so he could start preparing the automated program for the defence towers as well as running different scans of the com-system.
It gave him a much needed break from the somewhat hostile mood that had seemed to settle over the area, halfway wishing that he had someone else from the Alliance that he could lean on.
Still, he wasn't about to let this get him down.
He had a job to do here and by God, he was going to do it, even if it killed him.
xoxoxox
"Lilith, we have a problem."
Kaidan quickly walked over to the woman as she hurried towards him, trying his best to keep the annoyance out of his voice.
"Still can't calibrate the targeting matrix," she asked while Kaidan carefully shifted a little to the side as they walked, trying not to bump into one of the colonists.
"Those defence towers are useless if we don't figure it out."
"Sorry, Commander," Lilith said apologetically as Kaidan bumped into another colonist who seemed to be in a hurry.
"Getting our com-systems back online takes priority."
Kaidan stopped and let out a small sigh, letting some of the annoyance bleed out of him. "Yeah," he murmured. "Okay."
Then he let out a small chuckle, making Lilith stop in her own tracks.
"Surprised people haven't tried to blame that on me too," he mused, shaking his head a little.
The two weeks Kaidan had been on Horizon had been far tougher than Kaidan had ever expected.
He learned very early that his presence was not welcome at the colony.
Because of the attacks on remote human colonies, the colonist on Horizon seemed to think that the presence of the Alliance would just draw unwanted attention to them, leaving them as an even bigger target.
Kaidan could understand that logic, but no matter what he did to try and soothe the colonist, they weren't too eager to listen.
He could deal with the somewhat hostile behaviour though. It was when something went wrong that he started getting a little tired as he seemed to get the blame for it.
It didn't really help that calibrating the defence towers had taken a lot longer than Kaidan had expected and just two days ago the com-system had shut down completely, leaving the colony unable to contact anyone anywhere.
"People out here don't trust the Alliance," Lilith replied, giving Kaidan another look of apology.
"It's nothing personal."
Kaidan was about to tell her not to apologize when a strange humming sound appeared over the area, making him look up towards the sound.
He couldn't recognise it and as far as the last information he had gotten, no inbound vessels were heading towards the colony, even if they had been without communications for a few days.
Frowning, he watched as something big and dark slowly started appearing through the clouds, taking a step towards it, carefully nudging the gathering people to the side.
The sound was attracting attention, which could very well be a bad thing.
Kaidan had a very bad feeling about this…
"What is that?"
Kaidan didn't answer as he removed his weapon from his back, quickly bringing up the scope so he could see through it.
He did not like what he saw.
A massive ship, looking very much like the ship that had attacked the Normandy two years ago, was slowly coming through the clouds, lightning crackling around the ship as it came through the atmosphere.
He could never forget that damn ship, not for as long as he lived and seeing it again here sent shivers down his spine.
"Get everyone to the safe-house," he said calmly to Lilith as he tried to shake the surprise off his mind, surprised at how calm he sounded.
He still had a good grip on his gun, even as he nodded his head towards the inner areas of the colony. He had no idea what to expect, but he had to start preparing.
Especially since he wasn't sure if this ship would let them evacuate.
That's when the swarm appeared.
Kaidan stopped thinking and started acting by then, already firing at the swarm.
"I'll cover you. Run," he ordered as he tried to distract the swarm away from the colonist, glad to see that they obeyed him for once.
It did little good though as the swarm seemed to break into several small groups, going for the fleeing people.
"Run!"
He continued to fire at the strange insect-like creatures before he heard someone fall behind him.
He quickly turned around and saw that someone had bumped into Lilith, making her fall over. Without taking his eyes off the swarm, he continued his assault as he walked backwards towards her, only stopping long enough to turn and help her up.
That was probably his biggest mistake.
As something sharp pierced his neck, just above his amp, Kaidan let out a moan of pain before grasping behind him, yanking loose whatever had stung him.
He took a moment to look at the squirming bug in his hand, sneering a little at it in disgust before giving it a squeeze and tossed it away, his mind already back on defending the colonist.
He was about to prepare his biotics when he felt himself freeze up.
It was quick, painless and very surprising as Kaidan felt himself move in one moment, only to just stop.
Nothing wanted to move, no muscle seemed to function. He couldn't blink, he could barely breathe and he could not move his body.
He could move his eyes though, but what he saw happen made him wish he couldn't.
The big ship was landing and out of it came tall, strange creatures carrying weapons Kaidan had never seen before.
The aliens themselves were very insect-like, having four, yellow-covered eyeballs in the large head. They were surrounded by the small, insect-like creatures that had stung Kaidan and they were walking very slowly towards him.
He wanted to close his eyes, wanted to brace himself for something to happen, but nothing did.
In hindsight, as he watched the strange, almost insect-like aliens walk past him without even caring that he was there, Kaidan knew he probably could have done something different. He wasn't sure if he would have gotten a different result, but maybe he could have halted them long enough for the people to get away…
'I should have used my biotics,' he thought, fighting whatever toxic that was running through his system, trying desperately to move his limbs, but to no avail.
It was the most helpless he had ever felt in his life.
Seeing everything happen and being unable to do anything to stop it. And worse, he was completely ignored to boot. Either that or they were saving him for last as he saw the aliens started bringing the frozen colonies onto their ship.
They didn't seem to be in a hurry, bringing out strange, cocoon-like hibernating chambers that they put the colonist into, sealing them in before bringing them onto the ship.
He breathed hard through his nose as he continued to fight, feeling his heart pound in his chest along with the blood rushing through his ears as he attempted the slightest of movements, but to no avail.
Why couldn't he move?!
Kaidan didn't get a lot of time to dwell on it as the sound of gunfire started in the distance, seemingly distracting the aliens.
They seemed surprised based on the way they suddenly started moving a lot faster, arming themselves with the strange weapons from the ship.
Maybe some of the colonists had managed to escape after all and were retaliating?
As it turned out, the truth was a heck of a lot more amazing than what he thought.
Time went a little in a blur as he listened to the sound of increased fighting, the aliens quite obviously stressed about it, maybe even panicking.
By the time the toxins finally left Kaidan's system, they were retreating back to the ship in a hurry and not even a poor, biotic attempt from Kaidan managed to stop the last straggler as it squirmed onboard the ship.
When he finally got full movement back, Kaidan answered it by obeying the law of gravity, falling over as his legs suddenly had to carry his weight again.
He quickly scrambled up again and hurried towards the centre of the colony, wanting to see who had been brave enough to fight the creatures.
What he saw made his heart stop in his chest.
Three very familiar faces were gathered by one of the defence-towers, accompanied by a man that Kaidan hadn't seen, but he didn't care. It was the man that Delan, the mechanic was yelling at that had caught Kaidan's attention.
"Half the colony's in there! They took Egan and Sam and… And Lilith! Do something!"
"I didn't want it to end this way. I did what I could."
"More than most, Shepard."
"Shepard? Wait. I know that name," Delan grunted, turning around to glare at the trio in front of him, clearly not caring who he was speaking to.
"Sure, I remember you," he added, waving his hand a little towards the man. "You're some type of big Alliance hero."
Kaidan couldn't help himself any longer as his legs seemed to carry him forward out of their own will, moving towards the group.
"Commander Shepard," he started as he walked towards them, eyes fixed on the very familiar man.
"Captain of the Normandy. The first human Spectre. Saviour of the Citadel."
He looked towards Delan, gesturing towards Shepard as he did so. "You're in the presence of a legend, Delan."
Then he shifted his eyes towards -him-.
Shepard.
John Shepard.
Commander Shepard.
John.
"And a ghost."
Shepard looked as stunned to see Kaidan as Kaidan was to see him, remaining silent as Kaidan spoke.
"All the good people we lost and you get left behind. Figures," Delan grunted before throwing his hand up into the air, having clearly had enough as he turned to leave. Kaidan couldn't blame him.
"Screw this. I'm done with you Alliance types,"
Kaidan really couldn't have cared less that Delan left as he slowly approached Shepard, just taking in the sight.
He looked just like he remembered him.
His hair was still shaved down, revealing that small thin scar at the left side, just above his temple.
Those clear, almost impossibly blue eyes.
That strong jaw and straight nose.
That very soft looking mouth that Kaidan already felt a longing to taste again.
But there were subtle changes too to the man he thought he had known so well.
There were new scars on his face, breaking the almost perfect appearance.
There was also tiredness in Shepard's eyes, though it was accompanied with something else as the blue eyes met Kaidan's own brown ones.
He wasn't sure if he dared to let himself believe it was happiness.
Before he could stop himself, he wrapped his arms around Shepard's body, hugging himself close to him. When Shepard returned the gesture, wrapping his arms around Kaidan's own armour-clad body, Kaidan inhaled sharply, closing his eyes as he just allowed himself to lean against the man, feeling him against himself even if the armour prevented him from feeling the warmth of his body.
At least he could feel the warm breath against his neck as Shepard leaned his head against Kaidan's.
Shepard was alive.
"I thought you were dead, Shepard… We all did."
Shepard didn't say anything. He just tightened his grip around Kaidan, holding him as if he was a life-line for the longest time before he finally released him.
"It's been too long, Kaidan," he murmured, though he seemed to keep his voice neutral, like he'd just seen Kaidan last Tuesday. For some reason, that made Kaidan feel more than a little ticked off.
"How've you been?"
"Is that all you have to say," Kaidan replied, unable to keep the hurt out of his voice.
"You show up after two years and just act like nothing happened?"
He could see Shepard flinch ever so slightly, but other than that, he just looked at Kaidan, not saying a word, and the lack of response seemed to pull something out of Kaidan.
Something he had spent a good amount of time bottling up until it was ready to burst. And now the carefully put-on layers were cracking up.
"I would have followed you anywhere, Commander," he suddenly snapped before desperately trying to reel himself in again, taking a step away as soon as he realised that he had actually taken a step towards Shepard, Shepard himself taking a step away from him because of it.
"Thinking you were gone," Kaidan continued, lowering his voice as he fought to regain control of his emotions, shaking his head some. "-was like loosing a limb…" he finished as he felt himself loosing the battle.
"Why didn't you try and contact me, why didn't you let me know you were alive?!"
Shepard flinched again, but there was also a glimmer of something else in his eyes.
Annoyance.
"I was out for two years," he replied, keeping his voice calm despite the tightness in the man's jaw. "You had moved on with both your career and your life. Why reopen old wounds?"
Hearing those words from Shepard's mouth hurt more than watching him die had.
Whatever little control Kaidan had had over his emotions were now gone as he just decided 'to hell with it'.
Apparently he was being dropped like a hot potato.
"I did move on," he replied, his voice just as calm as Shepard's. "At least I thought I did. But now we've got reports on you and Cerberus."
"Reports," Garrus asked, having stayed out of the moment for the time being. "You mean you already knew?"
Kaidan had almost forgotten that both Garrus and Tali where right behind Shepard, having been so focused on his old Commander.
What in the hell was the two of them doing here anyway? When and how had Shepard managed to contact them? He couldn't even feel happy or relieved to see that they were both doing okay. Instead seeing them again made Kaidan wonder just how many others of the old crew Shepard had contacted before he had even attempted to see Kaidan. If he had attempted to see him.
In theory, Shepard had just accidentally bumped into him and never actually tried to contact him as far as Kaidan knew.
Was whatever relationship he and Shepard had that insignificant in comparison?
Had he meant that little to Shepard..?
"Alliance Intel though Cerberus might be behind the missing human colonies," Kaidan replied, his voice hoarse and low now.
The only thing he could do was desperately cling on to whatever his mind could wrap itself around and right now, that was work.
"I got a tip that this colony might be the next one to get hit. Anderson stonewalled me, but there were rumours that you weren't dead," he finished, staring right at Shepard, letting the hurt be plain in his eyes, even as his face remained perfectly neutral.
"That you were working for the enemy."
"Building the defence towers was just a cover-story," Shepard replied and Kaidan could hear the slight annoyance in his tone.
Great, now he was apparently the bad guy.
"The Alliance sent you here to investigate me, didn't they?"
"I was here for Cerberus," Kaidan replied, walking closer towards Shepard, glaring a little at his ex-lover. "You were just a rumour. I wanted to believe that you were alive, but I never expected anything like this."
He lifted a hand and pointed at Shepard, not bothering to keep the anger out of his voice anymore. It clearly didn't matter anyway.
"You've turned you back on everything we stood for!"
"Kaidan, you know me. You know I'd only do this for the right reason," Shepard replied, reaching out to touch Kaidan's shoulder, but the biotic swatted the hand away. He did not want to be touched right now, even if Shepard gave him a somewhat hurt look.
"You saw it yourself. The Collectors are targeting human colonies," Shepard continued instead, taking a step closer towards Kaidan. They were only inches apart now. "-and they are working with the Reapers."
So it was true.
The Collectors were targeting human colonies.
Or were they?
Kaidan wasn't sure if he believed Shepard, but he also wasn't sure if the reason why he didn't believe him was emotionally or logically. He feared it was a mixture of both.
"I want to believe you, Shepard," he ended up responding, not willing to back down that easily. As much as he wanted to believe Shepard, loud warning-bells were going off in his head.
"But I don't trust Cerberus. They could be using the threat of a Reaper to manipulate you. What if they're behind it? What if they're working with the Collectors?"
There. He'd said it.
He'd basically gone out and said that he didn't trust Shepard.
"Dammit, Kaidan! You're so focused on Cerberus that you're ignoring the real threat!" Garrus barked at Kaidan, clearly annoyed, but Kaidan wasn't willing to back down that easily.
He respected Garrus, he really did, but the Turian didn't have the cleanest track-record when it came to responsibility or going by his own emotions. The Turian had left C-Sec after all, because he didn't like how things were run.
"You're letting how you feel about their history get in the way of facts," Shepard replied in a more calming tone, still staring intensely at Kaidan.
Kaidan didn't break the gaze. "Maybe," he responded. "Or maybe you feel like you owe Cerberus because they saved you. Maybe you're the one who's not thinking straight."
He couldn't do this. He couldn't look at the man that he'd once held in such high regards, the man he had felt so strongly for… The man who he would have followed to hell and back, but who didn't seem willing to even contact Kaidan to let him know he was alive.
"You've changed," he whispered. "But I still know where my loyalties lie. I'm an Alliance soldier, always will be."
He shook his head and finally broke the gaze, slowly taking a step away from Shepard. He was afraid that he would do something he would regret. Like hit him in the face, or kiss him. Both were equally tempting. He completely missed the look of hurt and sorrow that appeared in Shepard's own eyes.
"I've got to report back to the Citadel," he managed to choke out. "They can decide if they believe your story or not."
Then he turned around and started walking to the shuttle-area.
"I could use someone like you in my crew, Kaidan. It'll be just like old times," Shepard called out, his voice still so calm.
Those words pissed Kaidan off beyond belief and it got rooted in his mind that Shepard simply didn't care. Not like Kaidan did. Especially with the words "someone like you".
So anyone would do as long as they had something Kaidan could offer, be it biotics or logistics.
"No, it won't," Kaidan finally responded after a few seconds, stopping and turning to give the group one last look.
To give Shepard one last look.
"I'll never work for Cerberus." He swallowed hard before he turned his head away.
"Good bye, Shepard. And be careful."
Then he continued walking, without looking back.
He just couldn't.
His mind was spinning with too many thoughts, with too many questions, not having an answer to either one of them and not even completely sure what he was thinking or feeling, or what he had even said.
He felt like he had just blurted out with incoherent blabber, feeling angry and yet so desperate to believe in what was right in front of him.
He wanted to believe in what Shepard had said, but his mind or feelings wouldn't let him.
Heck, he wasn't even sure if he believed his own eyes.
Shepard was alive.
Shepard was with Cerberus.
Cerberus was bad, but Shepard was a good man.
The collectors were working with the Reapers.
But what if Cerberus was using Shepard and they were working with the Collectors?
Shepard didn't care…
Shepard… Did he care..?
Kaidan shook his head hard as he got into the shuttle-area, though he wasn't surprised that there were no shuttles there.
Of course the colony had abandoned the place, he had told them to get to safety.
At least they had listened. At least some had managed to get away.
Instead he sat down against the wall and pulled his knees up to his chest, burying his face against them.
He didn't feel like a Commander right now. He didn't feel like a thirty-four year old Alliance soldier.
He felt just as lost, scared and alone as he had the day he was shipped home from BaAT, not knowing what to do or who to turn to.
He felt just as heartbroken too.
In the distance he could hear the sound of a shuttle taking off and he guessed it was Shepard leaving Horizon.
It was a final nail in the coffin as far as Kaidan was concerned. If Shepard had cared, if Shepard had wanted to talk, he could have followed him. He hadn't run away, he had walked.
Was he being unfair?
Maybe. But right now he couldn't care less about what he was or wasn't. All he knew was that he was confused as all hell and that he was hurting.
Maybe it was selfish of him, thinking about himself and not about how Shepard felt in all this, but as far as he was concerned right now, Shepard seemed to be doing just fine. He had his friends, apparently a new crew and a new purpose, even if that purpose had been given to him by Cerberus.
Kaidan tightened his grip around his knees, inhaling hard through his nose before exhaling, repeating it several times until he felt he could think again.
He had no idea how long he sat there; it could have been minutes or hours for all he knew. He finally got back up onto his feet and walked over to the distress beacon, grateful that it was still functioning.
As he switched it on, he glanced up onto the sky, just staring while the beacon did its job.
Shepard was alive and he was out there somewhere, while Kaidan was right here, just as alive, but at the same time he wasn't.
Two years of healing, of gathering himself and just five minutes with Shepard had ruined everything he had worked for.
That's what Shepard did to him it seemed.
He broke Kaidan down, only to rebuild him.
He had done it on the Normandy, where he had carefully chiselled away the carefully constructed walls Kaidan had had around his emotion, but back then, he had been right there to help Kaidan gather the pieces before aiding in rebuilding him, making him stronger.
This time, Kaidan had to pick up his own pieces and attempt to put them together on his own.
Because Shepard wasn't there.
Not anymore.