Sorry for the delay in updating. Thanks for the reviews for the previous chapter.
I own nothing. All characters/storylines belong to Shonda. I'm simply 'borrowing' them.
**WARNING - CONTAINS THE SUBJECT OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE**
Flashbacks in bold italic.
I Will Be
Six days had passed since Callie made the call to book herself in for therapy. Six days had passed since the couple had laid in bed and spoke about their problems, and ten days had passed since they'd been intimate with each other. It hurt Callie knowing that Arizona had rejected her twice, but she understood her reasons for doing so. Her girlfriend was right. It wouldn't have helped their situation. It wouldn't have caused their issues to disappear. Pushing things to the back of her mind had never worked so now wasn't about to make any difference.
She got that things couldn't just go back to the way they were. Not without a little help. So, today, she was putting on a brave face, and she was heading off to her therapy session. Today she was about to take her life back. Her life before Suzanne. Her life before her world was turned upside down at the hands of another woman. Her life before she was used as a punching bag.
The past week had been smoother than the brunette had imagined. She'd thought that things may have been a little… off between them both, maybe even a little awkward, but Arizona had managed better. She had taken herself off a few times during the week, to think, to take a little space for herself, but she hadn't once given Callie a reason to worry. If Callie sought her out, she would ask her to join her. There was no hostility, and every night they wrapped their arms around each other and slept like they had before all of this had happened. Sure, they'd not spent as much time together as Callie would have liked, but that was down to the fact that they were both back at the hospital and their shifts had ended up falling opposite to each other. Sleeping alone once or twice wasn't ideal, but that was their job. It was their way of life. It was… the norm.
Checking herself out in the mirror, the brunette was satisfied with her appearance. Both women had the day off, and Callie hoped to be back from her session so she could spend the day with Arizona. They needed it, but Callie knew that she needed her session more. Stepping out of the bathroom, she made her way down the hall and into the kitchen. "Morning."
"Hey, good morning." Arizona smiled as she chewed on the end of her crossword pen. Crosswords had never been her thing, but Callie had been adamant that they were relaxing, and now, Arizona found herself filling one out most mornings. "You ready to go?"
"Yeah, I think so," Callie responded as she moved around the kitchen, fixing herself a fresh cup of coffee. "Are you up to much today?"
"No, not really. Thought I'd catch up on some things here and then maybe Skype with my mom."
"Okay well, I'll see you after my session, yeah?" The brunette questioned. "I mean, I'd like to spend the day with you, if you'd want to?"
"Of course I want to." A dimpled smile appeared. "You sure you don't want me to come with you? I can just hang around outside. I don't mind."
"No, you stay here and spend the day relaxing. You've been working long hours lately."
"Um, so have you." Arizona furrowed her brow.
"Yeah, and I would be at home relaxing too if I wasn't going to therapy." Callie sighed. Filling her travel cup, she slipped on her jacket and checked she had everything she needed. "Wish me luck."
Stepping closer to her girlfriend, Arizona gave her a knowing smile. "Baby, you don't need luck. You will be great. Just…be honest." Pressing a kiss to soft red lips, the blonde stepped away and returned to her crossword.
"Okay, I love you." Callie threw the blonde a fake smile and made her way towards the door.
"I love you, too."
Making her way back to her apartment, grocery bags in hand, Arizona almost threw herself through the door. Why the hell did I get a place on the third floor? Placing the bags down on the floor in the middle of the room, she stretched out her arms and sighed. Maybe I could make today useful after all. Narrowing her eyes, she sought out her laptop and powered it up.
Let's get to work, Robbins. Opening her browser, she began searching for what she so desperately needed to look for. Houses. If she could narrow a few down, she could talk them over with Callie later in the day. Maybe they would take her mind off the therapy session she was currently taking part in. Arizona knew that Callie didn't want to go to it. She didn't blame her. The blonde couldn't think of anything worse to do. She had never been one to sit and discuss her feelings, it just wasn't her thing. She couldn't help but think that maybe she had forced Callie into therapy. Had she given her an ultimatum without realising it? Had she made the brunette choose? She hadn't meant to, and she would question Callie about it during dinner. It definitely hadn't been her intention.
Browsing the houses for sale, she made a note of a number of them and powered her laptop off. She didn't want to do too much researching, at least not without her girlfriend. She also didn't want Callie to think that she was trying to take control of things. They were on edge enough right now, Arizona didn't need to heat anything up by browsing without her girlfriend. The sound of a key in the door brought the blonde out of her thoughts. Here goes…
Trying to gauge Callie's reaction to her day so far, Arizona narrowed her eyes and watched the brunette storm through her front door. Well, that doesn't look good. Be supportive, Robbins. Listen to what she has to say. Realising Callie wasn't likely to start the conversation, Arizona cleared her throat and took a breath. "Hey, how did it go?" The blonde perked up. Not wanting to pressure her girlfriend into talking, she decided it would be best to stay where she was. Sat back in her seat at the dining table.
"Fine," Callie stated before mumbling something under her breath. "Don't think I'll need to go back." Shrugging the brunette moved around the kitchen, putting on a fresh pot of coffee.
Knowing that something was on Callie's mind, Arizona decided to press a little more. "Oh, really? It went that well, huh?"
"Yeah, it went that well." Callie scoffed. Grabbing a bottle of water from the refrigerator, she turned to face her girlfriend. "I, uh, I'm going to take a lie down. I think I have a migraine coming on."
Before Arizona could get any more words out, Callie was gone. The bedroom door slamming behind her.
Fuck! Knowing that she was to blame for the therapy suggestion, Arizona fought with herself. Do I go and see her? Do I ask her to talk to me? Maybe I should leave her a little while. She won't want to talk right now. I wouldn't want to talk if she had forced me into something I didn't want to do. She hadn't forced her so much, but she had asked her to think about it before walking out the door. Obviously worried about the outcome if she didn't book into therapy, Callie didn't give it much thought. She jumped in and done as she was told. I basically told her to do it. No wonder she is worried around me. I'm like Suzanne fucking 2.0.
Removing herself from her seat, she quietly made her way down the hall and came to a stop outside their bedroom door. Hearing muffled cries, her heart broke. I have to speak to her. Knocking lightly, she waited for something, anything, to allow her access. Nothing. "Cal?"
The cries subsiding, Arizona turned the handle and stepped inside their bedroom. "C-Can I come in?" A slight nod of the head from Callie and the blonde was slipping into the bed behind her. "Hey, what's up?"
"N-Nothing." A shaky voice replied.
"Baby, please talk to me?" Arizona placed a strong arm around Callie's midsection and held her tight. "Please?"
"Please don't make me do that again." A sob left red lips. "Please."
"Hey, it's okay." Arizona tightened her grip. "I-I just wanted you to try it." That's a lie. She needs this. She needs therapy. Biting her tongue, she decided it would be best to let the issue rest for now. Callie was clearly in a state, and the blonde wasn't about to add to that upset.
"I hated it, Arizona." Callie sobbed. "I can't go back there. It just, it just brought back everything I'd ever experienced. I can't."
"Okay, okay." Arizona pressed a kiss to a tanned shoulder. "Please don't be upset, Callie. I'm sorry I made you go."
"You didn't make me go." The brunette shook her head. "You were right to ask me to think about it. I figured it couldn't hurt to try. But it did. It hurt, Arizona." Turning to face her girlfriend, swollen brown eyes glared into baby blue. "I just, I didn't expect that."
"What happened?" A pale hand came to rest on Callie's cheek. Running her thumb along the dampened area, Arizona gave her a sad smile. "Talk to me."
"Everything, and I mean everything came back to me. Like, I could feel her beating me. I just, I couldn't do it. I tried, I really did. It was just too much. Maybe I was expecting it to be a little less intense, and maybe for other people, it is less intense, but I felt everything."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be. You were just trying to help. Maybe, I don't know, maybe I could try again one day. When it doesn't still feel so raw. Because it does. It still feels like just yesterday that she had her hands on me. Around my throat."
Placing a light kiss on red lips, Arizona tried to hold back her own emotions. She had caused this pain, or at least, that's how it felt. Watching Callie struggle with her past was breaking her heart, and right now, all she could do was hold her close and show her that she loved her. "Callie, you don't have to talk about this right now."
"I do because one minute I feel like the woman who got it all. You know, with you. I feel like my life is amazing and I feel like every day I am blessed to wake up to you. But then something will happen, something will trigger a memory and then I feel like I'm going to live this nightmare forever."
"You won't." The blonde gave a sad smile. "You say it's still raw, and I get that. It's bound to be. It's only been a little over a year, Callie. I mean, I've never experienced what you have been through, but I can't imagine it's easy to just live your life. I just, I just want to be the person who helps you to forget. Because one day, you will. You will forget. So the therapy wasn't a good option for you, but that is your choice. If you don't feel that therapy is for you, I'm not going to push you into it."
"But you said-"
"No, you heard me wrong. I asked you to think about it. I didn't think you would decide so soon. I didn't think you would even agree to it, but you did, so I figured it was something you wanted to try. If I'd have known you would come home like this, I'd never have let you leave today. I don't want you to be upset in this relationship. I don't want you to be scared of me, or worried that I'm going to be anything like her, but how you deal with this? How you decide to go about your business, well that is up to you."
"I thought I had to go." Callie sighed. "At first, it was okay. Then he asked me to think about how she made me feel. I stayed strong. I didn't show him how much it hurt, but it did, Arizona. It hurt so much having to think about her. I fucking hate her.
"I know. I realise that now. But please know that it was never my intention to make you feel that it was an ultimatum. I'd never make you choose. I'd never expect you to. And as for her, I hate her too. Your therapist was just doing his job, baby. I'm sure he didn't ask you anything for the sake of it. All in your best interests."
"I thought I'd lose you if I didn't give it a try." The brunette's voice broke. "I don't want to lose you, but I understand if you can't do this while I'm still dealing with things. I'm not the nicest person to be around when I'm in a mood."
"You can be in a mood as much as you like. You can lock yourself away as much as you like. I don't care. I will still be here for you when you come out of your own thoughts. I'll always be here for you. I'll always love you, and I'll never leave you." Placing a dark lock of hair behind her girlfriend's ear, she continued. "I can't lose you either. I wouldn't survive."
"Y-You wouldn't?"
"Nope." The blonde stated. "How could I live without waking up to that smile every morning? Looking into those beautiful eyes every day? I just, I wouldn't make it without you."
"You don't have to be nice to me."
"Um, yeah I do. That's what girlfriends are here for." Arizona smiled. "Now, I went out to the store today. I may have bought some things for dinner tonight. I'm cooking. You are relaxing. You are going to do nothing all day, and I'm going to draw you a bath before dinner. Candles, flowers, the lot."
"Why?"
"Because I love you, and I protect the things I love," Arizona stated matter of factly as she lay on her back.
"How did I ever get so lucky?" Callie quizzed as she placed her head on her girlfriend's chest.
"I don't know. But I'm pretty sure I'm the lucky one." Smiling, Arizona closed her eyes and figured a nap wouldn't do any harm. "Close your eyes, Calliope. Today is all about us doing nothing."
"Can we watch a movie tonight?" The brunette sleepily asked.
"Yep. Blankets and snacks included." Arizona pulled Callie in as close as possible and pulled the cover up over them. "But first, we must nap."
Settling back against the warming porcelain of their bath, Callie sighed. Waking from her nap earlier she wondered if she had been a little hasty in her decision to shun therapy after just one attempt. Maybe I should give it another go. Maybe I should try, for Arizona. For us. Knowing that this wasn't Arizona's fight, she shook her head and tried to relax in the scalding water her girlfriend had laced with lavender. She's a keeper.
Eyes closing as she took in the scent surrounding her, the brunette's mind took her back to earlier in the day.
"So you say that your new relationship has hit a bump in the road?"
"Yeah, I mean, I don't think it's anything serious, but I kind of feel like I'm jeopardising what we have. You know? Like, if I don't get the help I need, it could ruin everything down the line."
"How do you mean?" Dr Martin asked, nonchalantly. Scribbling in his notepad, Callie could see he was trying to read her. She'd had plenty of practice over the years, and right now, she'd brought her best poker face to the show.
"Well, we, um… had a disagreement on something last week."
"And?"
"I yelled. Then she yelled. I wasn't worried. I wasn't scared of her but my body had other ideas."
"What was the outcome of the disagreement?"
"It, um, I had a flashback. When she yelled at me, my body stiffened. Before I knew it, I was back at my old apartment and it wasn't Arizona standing in the same room as me. It was my ex."
"And how did that make you feel?"
"Frightened," Callie stated. "She came over to me and I froze. I thought she was going to hit me."
"Why did you think she was going to do that?"
"Because that is how our fights always ended when I was with Suzanne. We didn't sit down and talk about it, she just attacked me instead."
"So, you felt as though Arizona was going to do that to you because she raised her voice?"
"Yes." The brunette sighed as she ran her fingers through her hair. "I know she wouldn't. I know she would never do that."
"But your body doesn't?"
"Exactly. I just, I'm worried that she can't handle being with me. I mean, couples argue all of the time, right?" Gaining a nod from her therapist, she continued. "So, we should be able to do the same. How are we supposed to work, be together, if we can't even have a disagreement? She can't do that. She can't bottle everything up because she is worried that I'm going to retreat into panic mode."
"That is true. How often has this happened? How many times have you panicked around Arizona?"
"That was the first time. I mean, when we first met, I freaked out a couple of times, but none of those times was because of Arizona. It was very soon after I'd left Suzanne. She helped me through it, and she was great. She still is great."
"So you know deep down that she would never hurt you?"
"I do. I just don't know whether the next time we have a disagreement or the next time we raise our voices…it won't end the same way. I don't want her to think I'm scared of her. I'm anything but scared of her."
"Have you spoken to her about it?" He questioned. "About the way you reacted?"
"I have, but it's not that simple. It's not just a case of saying that she doesn't scare me. I could see the hurt in her eyes when she turned to find me petrified on her couch."
"But she knows what you've been through, Callie. She knows that there are a lot of adjustments to make." Her therapist smiled. "Nothing is how it used to be."
"No, nothing is how it used to be. It's a million times better. I mean, yeah, she knows what I've been through, she was the one who saved me, but that doesn't mean she should just sit back and shrug whenever I freak out. It can't be nice for her. For her to think that I can't hold a fight or she can't raise a concern for fear of me crying in the corner." Running her hands through dark locks, Callie sighed. "I just don't know how to change this. I don't know how to show her that I'm not scared."
"And you won't be able to change it until it happens again. You have no idea how you will react next time. Maybe you will give just as good back. Maybe you will feel a little worried. You have been through a lot, Callie. You have to remember that."
"I do remember." She stated, flatly. "I remember exactly what I've been through. I just don't want it to affect our relationship. Arizona is too good to lose. I can't lose her."
"And you won't. She sounds like a wonderful woman." Closing his notepad, Dr Martin crossed his legs and gave the brunette a smile. "Think about how Suzanne made you feel. I know you don't want to, but just try."
Closing her eyes, Callie tried hard to not think about her ex. Yes, the therapist had asked her to do the complete opposite, but her own mind had other ideas. "I can't." Dark curls shook.
"You can, Callie. Just trust me."
"I can't, because every time I think of Suzanne, every time I see her face, I feel like I'm suffocating. I feel like my body and my life isn't my own. So, I'm sorry, but I can't."
"Okay, then think of Arizona."
"That's easy." She smiled.
"Now, I don't want you to actually think of Suzanne, but just remember how she made you feel. Then think about how Arizona makes you feel."
Bottom lip tumbling as she held back the tears, Callie instantly felt the hurt and pain her ex had caused her. The feel of the redhead's hands around her throat. The excruciating pain from a backhanded smack. How her entire body ached having been kicked repeatedly whilst lying on the hardwood of her living room floor. Tears falling freely, she switched her mind to Arizona. The safe arms of the blonde providing comfort and security at any given moment. The way their bodies fit so perfectly together without even trying. Her smile. Her laugh. The brunettes entire being relaxing at the thought, her tears stopped and a smiled graced her face. "Wow."
"How do you feel, Callie?"
"T-That was different. I mean, the pain of Suzanne was as raw as ever. It hurt. I-I never want to feel like that again, but Arizona protected me. She isn't even here and she protected me."
"Exactly. You must remember that Suzanne and Arizona are totally different. Should you fall into another argument, and I'm sure you will, you need to keep yourself present. You need to remember that you are not with Suzanne."
"Be present." She gave a nod. "I-I, uh, I guess I won't know my reaction until it happens again."
"Correct. It's difficult to know exactly how you will feel, but over time, this will disappear, Callie. Suzanne will disappear."
"God, I hope so." Swallowing hard, the brunette realised that it was just over two weeks before her ex-fiancé was due out, and right now, that left her with a sinking feeling. "S-She, um, she will be out soon."
"So we will deal with that during your next session." Dr Martin stood. "You will come back, won't you, Callie?"
"I, uh, sure." Callie lied. She hated this. She hated feeling like the guy in front of her had a free viewing into her current life and her past life. "I'll be in touch."
Feeling completely spent from the emotions of the day, Callie stood and gave the therapist a strong handshake. Leaving the office, the brunette didn't exactly feel any different. She understood that she had to be in the moment when that moment arose, but that didn't leave her feeling any better about the situation. That didn't provide her with any peace, whatsoever.
A knocking on the bathroom door bringing her from her thoughts, Callie wiped away the silent tears she hadn't realised she had shed and sat up in the now cooling bath. Feeling the cold air hit her skin, she shivered before standing and stepping out of the water. Wrapping herself up in her robe, she plastered on her best fake smile and opened the door. "Hey."
"Hey, yourself." A dimpled smile appeared. "You enjoying yourself in there?"
"Sure. I'm just finishing up. I'll be out in a few." Callie stated. Do I work through this myself? Wait until it happens again and go from there? She hated the idea of returning to the therapist's office, she figured she would play it day by day. No arguments, no need to worry. Knowing that that was an unacceptable way to look at the situation, she ran her hand down her face and glared into the steamed up mirror in front of her. Come on, Torres. You are better than this. You know that she loves you. You know that she would never hurt you. Stop freaking out. Psyching herself up, she straightened her shoulders and ran her fingers through damp locks. You are badass, and you don't need any therapist telling you how to live your life.
"Like he can prepare me for Suzanne's return." Mumbling to herself, she pulled on some comfortable clothes and left the bathroom. I need those beautiful arms around me. Smiling when she caught sight of her girlfriend in the kitchen, Callie sauntered up to her and wrapped her arms around her waist. "Thank you."
Turning in the brunette's arms, Arizona furrowed her brow. "For what?"
"For being you."
Thanks for reading, guys. I look forward to your reviews.
Seems Callie is struggling right now. Clearly torn about how she should fix her issues.