I walk in the front door and go straight up to my room. I hear Mom follow me and when I know she's right behind me I let myself fall, because I know she'll catch me. She cradles me as I sob, deep, racking sobs, until my chest aches and my throat is dry. I don't know how long we stay on the floor. Eventually Dad comes in and wraps his arms around both of us. I don't even remember falling asleep, but I wake up in the middle of the night and Mom is asleep beside me in my bed, with one hand on my back.
"What did you feel? When you felt 'something break'?" Violet asks, repeating my words.
"Angry," I reply after a moment. "I was furious."
"At what? Or whom?"
I think, staring at the leg of the couch she's on. "Everything...everyone...Jamie...for dying. That's stupid of me, but I am. She left me. She's altered my entire life by hers ending...Big Daddy, because...I don't know. I just felt angry...and at my Mom, for trying to make me get a car. Even though I know she's right...I just-I don't know! Can't you just tell me what to do? Because I can't keep yo-yoing like this. I can feel okay, and then I'm not! I get so incredibly angry; angrier than I've ever felt in my entire life!"
"You know, honey, anger is a stage of grief. So, actually, your rage is progress."
"It doesn't feel like progress. It feels...overpowering. Overwhelming. Like I was about to just...explode! I wanted to scream and cry and run and...I don't know!"
"It's normal to feel that way. It's normal to feel scared of your anger, too."
"Nothing about this year feels 'normal', Violet," I reply.
"I know. You have had a truly heart-wrenching year. But the only thing you can control is you. And you're doing that. By talking, by playing music. By getting all of these powerful emotions out, you're helping things. It's okay to feel all of the emotions you're feeling."
I sigh, trying to feel less tense. But it doesn't work.
"I'm not used to feeling like that," I say.
"You are strong, Kate. Don't push too hard. Just take one thing at a time. Let yourself feel whatever emotions come up. It gets easier; you've seen that. Just be patient with yourself," she grips my arm.
I nod, my eyes burning with tears I hold back.
After talking to Violet I go to Mom's office and fall asleep on the couch.
Mom's stuck at the hospital because she was called after Amelia was brought in after falling off the counter at a bar, completely drunk. Her hand and arm were sliced open. When she gets back she looks exhausted. I don't want to add to all of the insanity going on lately, so when she asks how my session with Violet went, I say that it was fine, and I quickly change the subject to Amelia.
"She's...drowning. She won't admit that she needs help and until she does, nobody can help her. It's a vicious cycle," Mom replies.
I don't know what to say, but that's fine because she sits beside me on the couch and hugs me. We sit in silence until Dad comes to tell us he's done; we can go home.
Everyone is exhausted so we pick up dinner and go home, flopping on the couch and spending the rest of the night watching Modern Family.
School is only two weeks away. When I think about it-going and seeing everybody all at once, without Jamie-I feel like my stomach is full of butterflies.
Axel is having a party tonight. He's been bugging me about it, and even got Silas and Max to text me, too, asking me to come. Finally, I agree. I tell Mom, but add that the only way I'm going is if she drops me off and picks me up. She, of course, has no argument there. I'm nervous, but I'm trying to face my fears one at a time.
I haven't been to Axel's since the night of the accident. Mom was hesitant at first about the party, but she's also trying to push me forward, knowing full-well that I need the gentle shove. Still, I can tell she's tense about tonight. Nevertheless, she drives me to Axel's. Dad was called away to the hospital, but he kisses me before he leaves, telling me to have a great time.
When we pull up to Axel's, I exhale loudly.
"You're going to have a great time, baby," Mom smiles.
I nod, biting my lip.
"Okay," I say, after what seems like forever. "11:30, right?"
"I'll be here," she promises.
So I unbuckle and get out of the car.
"I love you," she says through the window.
"Love you, too," I reply, trying to smile.
I breathe deeply and head towards the house. Deja vu is so intense that I stop, taking a deep breath. I turn around and see Mom. She gives me an encouraging look so I turn back around, but instead of going inside, I head for the gate to the backyard instead.
I push open the gate and thankfully the first person I see, playing beersbie, is Axel. He sees me and points both arms upwards.
"Kati! My girl!" he yells. He rushes over as a few friends yell my name.
"'Bout time," he teases, hugging me.
"Fashionably late," I reply with a smile.
"Yeah, only a few months," he retorts, but with a smile.
I shove him and he puts his arm around me, leading me towards the beersbie poles.
"Doubles," he calls out to Silas, who I realize is the other player.
He smiles and waves, and I smile back.
"Come on, girl, let's show these lady-boys what's up," Axel says, handing me a can.
"I don't-" I start, but he gestures towards the can and I see that it's raspberry gingerale, my favorite.
"You think I don't know you, girl?"
Gratefully, I crack the can and tip it against his can of beer.
People come by to say hi as Axel and I play beersbie. After Axel and I beat Silas and Jesse, we go sit around the fire and chat with people I haven't seen in a long time. It's actually good to see everybody, but I can't stop thinking about Jamie. I keep expecting her to appear, and I refuse to go inside, because I know it will be more deja vu that I don't want to feel.
I twist Jamie's sweet sixteen ring on my finger absently, trying to focus on the people and the conversation. Axel saves me, seeing my discomfort, by touching my arm and gesturing me to follow him. I go with him to his garage where he brings out a box of fireworks. I laugh.
"Told you I was saving 'em," he grins.
"You waited all summer for fireworks?"
"Of course, bra. It's our thing," he shrugs, and hands me a lighter.
"Come on, let's put on a show," he raises his eyebrows quickly several times.
Axel's house backs onto a huge hill overlooking the city. We follow our usual path down the dirt trail between the sparse trees until we reach the familiar bare patch where we usually hang out. Aside from fireworks, we've had fires down here in a pit that we dug.
"Been awhile, huh?" Axel says, watching me look around.
I nod and after a moment he begins unpacking the fireworks. We always start small, so that if we hear cop cars coming or see their lights appear, we can light the bigger ones and take off.
He hands me several Roman candles.
"Ready?" He smiles so big it's contagious.
"Yeah," I reply, as if this is a stupid question.
We both light our first candles. I realize how much I've missed him, and the exhilaration of our firework parties. We light one after another until 10 empty candles lie on the ground. No cops yet.
We set up a row of five medium-sized cartons and light them all at once, laughing and watching the colorful explosions, wide-eyed.
"Cops," I say, hearing the siren in the distance.
Quickly, we line up the five big ones and light them as the cop car arrives up on the road above us. The shrieking and exploding fireworks cover up our laughter as we run. There's a spot to the right the completely obscures us if we lie down. Breathless and laughing, we lie on our backs and watch the fireworks continue to go off. The big ones last the longest and by the time they're over, we can hear the cops in the distance complain about 'crazy kids' and decide to go back to their car.
"They're long gone by now...pretty cool, show, though," one of them says as they climb the path back to their car.
This feeling-this breathless, light, careless feeling-makes me feel more alive than I've felt since Jamie. I feel almost guilty for laughing so hard, but I tell myself to be rational: Jamie would want me to laugh.
Axel and I stifle laughter until the car doors shut.
"Oh, man," Axel sighs. "I missed this."
"Me, too," I reply after a minute, staring at the sky.
We lay there for a few minutes.
"I'm glad you decided to come tonight, Kati," Axel says. "You're one of my best friends, bra. It's been so weird not seeing you...don't stay away so much, okay?"
He looks at me and I look back, feeling bad. "Okay," I promise.
He pulls out his bowl and takes a few puffs. He doesn't offer me any, and I don't ask. I tried it once, with Axel actually, and Jamie. I didn't like it much, and he's never tried to pressure me or make fun of me for it.
"We should head back up and get in another game before your hot mom shows up," he says, and laughs when I swing my arm out and clip him in the shoulder.
Back at the party, everyone applauds the firework show. As expected, Axel and I beat Silas and Jesse at beersbie again. We do a short victory dance and I still feel so...normal. I can't stop thinking of Jamie, and that makes me refuse to enter the house. But the thought of her has stopped making my heart stutter. Now it makes me sad, but not to the point of feeling like I'll never be able to stand on my own again.
By the time Mom texts me that she's out front, I'm kind of relieved. I say goodbye to a few people, not wanting to make a noticeable exit. Silas hugs me and tells me it was great to see me, and asks if I want to go do something before school starts. I agree and then Axel walks me out the gate from the backyard and we pass a girl throwing up in the bushes.
Before I walk away Axel hugs me.
"It'll keep getting easier," he says quietly. "Promise. Just don't make yourself a ghost, too."
I smile as best I can, forcing my eyes to contain their tears.
"Much love, girl," he holds out his fist and I bump it with my own, smiling before leaving.
I climb into the car with Mom, who smiles.
"Did you have fun?"
I nod, giving her a little smile. "Mostly."
She squeezes my knee. "It's an important step, baby girl."
As we drive home I start a song in my head. It just comes into my head and I'm so focused that I don't hear Mom.
"Sugar?"
"Sorry?"
"Colbert Report? When we get home?"
"Oh. Sure," I reply.
At home I change into sweatpants and grab a notebook before joining Mom on the couch.
"New song?" she asks.
"Mmhmm," I reply absently. I keep looking up at the TV, but I'm not actually watching-just trying to think.
I end up getting my guitar and choosing the right chord before realizing that I want an old-school organ sound to add to the guitar. I don't say anything when I go upstairs but Mom is used to it when I'm in the middle of writing something.
I plug my keyboard into my Mac and starting working. When Mom comes to kiss me goodnight it's almost 2:00am.
"Don't stay up too late, baby," she says. I nod but keep working anyway. I don't go to sleep until I'm satisfied, and when I look at the clock it's 4:15am.
Surprisingly, I wake up around 10:00 and I'm not even tired. I brush my teeth and grab my guitar, tweaking the new song. Mom comes up when I'm almost done.
"You planning on eating today, Ludwig?"
"I think I'm finished," I reply, clicking to save the organ part on GarageBand. "Do you wanna hear it?" I ask, shy as always, but Mom (and Dad) is the only person I feel less shy about playing for.
"Of course I do," Mom immediately sits down on my bed beside Nigel.
"It's a bit different from other stuff I've written. Or even sung," I say.
"I'm sure it's amazing, sugar."
I strap on my guitar and click the computer to start the organ portion.
The song has a southern, folksy feel. I've jumbled Jamie and Big Daddy and Amelia and the darkness of my anger all into one song. I don't look up while I play, but when I do, afterwards, Mom has tears in her eyes.
"Oh, baby, it's beautiful." She gets up and hugs me.
"Play it again," she says.
"Play what?" Dad asks, coming in and sitting beside Mom with a mug of coffee. He's still dressed, having just walked in from being on-call at the hospital.
"New song. It's incredible," Mom replies as he kisses her cheek.
"I wanna hear," he says.
I still get nervous, even singing in front of them, but I do it anyway. The looks on their faces is motivation enough.