Author: mkcrl120
Disclaimer: All the characters mentioned in this story belong to Joss Whedon or Mutant Enemy or some other people. I own nothing and wrote this just to get it out of my system.
Summary: Set two weeks after the events in Explaining Africa 3
Authors Notes: I have no clue about Africa. Which is probably always a good place to start writing a story. So if details I've used for place names, and tribal names and whatever are wrong then just (correctly) assume I have no idea what I'm doing.
Rating: 15 by English standards (mainly for language)
Chapter 9a:
Back at the apartment.
They were all sitting around the table, beers in hand. Roger smiled, 'Now this is my kind of after work relaxation.'
They'd gotten back and not much had been said. Xander had gone directly to the fridge and pulled out the first round of beers for everyone. The weapons had been tossed onto one of the chairs in the living area. This was chill time and everyone deserved it.
"I've never been that scared in my life." Amy confessed, the first to break the silence in over ten minutes.
"That wasn't nothing special." Faith nonchalantly replied, taking a deep swig of her drink.
"I thought I was a gonner then."
"I thought you were too." Roger replied.
"Ya get used to that feeling, don't ya Xan?" Faith answered.
'Still shrugging it off as a fairly calm event.' Roger realised.
"So..." She finished off her drink. "Who wants another...?"
Roger quickly agreed. Amy declined and Xander examined the remains of his first before deciding to go along with it.
Faith quickly pulled three bottles out of the fridge and passed two of them out.
"Yeah... you get used to being scared shitless." Xander commented. "You learn to trust those instincts and trust me... that adrenalin rush... you'll come to be very grateful of it in time."
"So... what's the scariest thing you two have seen?" Roger found himself asking.
"First vampire is always memorable... but actually scariest..?" Faith answered, pausing to think it over.
"Yeah... you're first vampire, normally hits a lot home about what you thought was true... the first friend you've seen turned is bad too."
"I hadn't even thought of that." Amy said shocked, holding her hand over her mouth.
Roger watched as Xander moved Amy into her line of vision. Both eyebrows raising in a silent question. Roger stared at Amy's reaction and realised that she didn't seem to know what he was after. Faith was also watching this with interest.
"There are lots of things that have been extremely scary over the years... many of them not necessarily the monsters you were thinking of." Xander said, pausing as he made eye contact with each and every one of them. He noted surprised that Faith cracked first when Xander's eye rested on her.
'Never thought I'd see that. Thought she was indestructible.' He considered, watching Faith first bow and then raise her head. Once the eye contact between them was resumed, they seemed to hold it for a few more seconds before both relaxing at the same time. 'What sort of things have these two seen together that they can say so much without saying anything... it's like with married couples, is it something these two have together or would they be able to do it with every member of their group. A level of trust and understanding that only fighting side by side and relying on each other could provide.'
Xander seemed to compose himself and then continued on regardless. "Scariest things right... in no particular order."
"After the revelation that is seeing your first monster and having your whole understanding of the world turned on it's head... then there is the sight of someone you know... be it friend, family or casual acquaintence... the sight of them but not them is always bad. Whether it be turned by a vampire or some sort of temporary possession, your thoughts immediately go to the fact that you either won't or probably won't ever get that person back. It's like they're dead... but instead of grieving or trying to move on; you've got a walking, talking reminder of everything they used to do that made you smile, pissed you off or was just something personal to them that you never really understood, but let them get on with anyway. That's always a shock... no matter how many times you see it, cos it's different each time..."
He paused to let that sink in. Roger tried to imagine anyone he knew not being the person he thought he knew. He wasn't sure if his imagination did it justice.
"Being possessed isn't much more fun... watching someone taking a trip in your body. You're along as a passenger unable to do anything while it follows it's own instincts... similar to above... but you're wondering what it's going to do... wondering if you get to spend the rest of your life purely as a spectator..."
"You've been possessed..?" Faith asked. Roger noted that even she was getting some revelations in this confession.
"More than once." Xander replied, calmly moving onto another topic. "On a purely selfish note... self preservation plays a strong point too." He added, pausing to look at Amy.
"When the demon caught you... what exactly did you think..?"
"I was frightened... erm... I'm not sure what you want me to say." Amy answered truthfully.
"Imagine that... then imagine it if we hadn't been there... if you hadn't even been sure we could locate you in time."
Amy let out a whimper of fear, Roger noted the same look in her eyes that had be present when she was being used as a hostage. He couldn't imagine it... he'd been on the outside the whole time. He'd been worried for Amy, and then he'd been amazed by how both Faith and Xander looked after themselves. He'd never really been afraid for his own life, he realised.
"On a less selfish topic, finding a friend of yours, someone you care about, dead or on death's door isn't easy either... I've seen far too many of them... and others," Roger noted he quietly added, "others that I never really got chance to say goodbye to."
"But still in time you start to think you're being selfish about that too... in this job, well it's not really a job unless you're either a Watcher or get called." He clarified nodding at Amy and Faith in turn. "You see a lot of victims... remember, probably ninety nine percent of the vampires you see are victims. And the other one percent are people who didn't have a real understanding of what they were signing up for or dealing with. You see all these victims... and you start to look at them differently... vampires aren't victims they're potential threats..."
Amy interrupted him. "But by destroying their bodies, you're actually freeing their souls."
"That what the Watcher's teach you..?" He continued at Amy's nod. "Might be true, I dunno... might be easier to think of it that way. Makes what you're doing seem justified... can't say I'm friends with a vampire... may have reluctantly worked with a few... Buffy believed she went to heaven and she really took coming back hard, I can't say I saw the same in either Deadboy or Deadboy Junior. Faith, your opinion."
Shocked out of never hearing him speak so seriously, Faith almost stammered her initial response. "Fang... Angel never mentioned it... he said that it took a few minutes for his mind to catch up on Angelus's adventures whenver he came back... but he had no memory of being anywhere in the meantime... least if he did, he never mentioned it."
"So argument's still out on that one... could be in limbo... could be one of any hundred other explanations."
"Such as..?" Faith argued, coming to Angel's defence with a little more anger than she'd intended.
"His soul did get to heaven but couldn't have any memory of it brought back... holy objects burn vampires remember? Maybe all the actions he took as a vampire were weighed on his soul... so he didn't deserve heaven..." at her look he hastily added. "It's called redemption for a reason remember..? Anyway, none of us really know what sort of person he was before he got turned the first time."
Faith sat back, not happy but seemingly placated for the time being. Roger wondered what made Xander so willing to face someone who could hurt him so easily.
"Anyway, back to the topic... even the first few victims you see when you discover a new type of demon is in town... they're not seen as people... more as clues... clues to help you stop whatever it is from reaching people you do care about. Maybe its some sort of human defence mechanism... enables you to concentrate on the problem at hand and not be overwhelmed by grief and unable to do anything. Towards the end when Sunnydale was being evacuated, I was hoping that people had the common sense to leave town. But that was about my only thought on the subject - we didn't waste any time trying to persuade them to leave in their best interests."
"To be fair, we were in crisis mode from the second I arrived... from the second I left prison actually." Faith commented.
"And that's what happens..." Xander explained. "That's why I'm telling you this... you want to get involved with the Watcher's in a more hands-on capacity... you're going to become more cynical about certain things, and you start justifying things you probably wouldn't have seen yourself jus..."
Roger watched as he drifted off. First turning to face Faith again, understanding seeming to dawn in his facial expressions. Then turning to face the rest of them, he quickly continued.
"We had a lot of problems with the Watcher's Council," he said shrugging in Amy's direction. "I think I found out their problem... I've started to notice now after almost seven and a half years how I behave differently... imagine that for over a millenium. They did some things that we thought were inhuman... Shit! That's something else we need to make sure we don't do... we cannot follow in their footsteps."
"That's another thing that scares me... probably most of all... that we are going to do the same mistakes that people made before... and eventually become what we hate."
Roger nodded. Having lived inside the complicated situations within Africa for so long, that was something he could understand.
"Ermmmm... wow..." Amy responded, stumbling over her own words. "And Faith... as the resident Slayer, anything you could add?"
Roger watched as Faith seemed more than willing to simply stare at Xander. Shaking herself out of whatever inner thoughts she had, he watched her turn to face them.
"I don't think I'm going to compete with that sort of thing... but yeah, Xander's right... it's not the monsters you ought to be scared of... yeah, I bet I know what you're thinking, you wouldn't be scared of monsters if you were a super-powered babe too, eh?"
She paused, Roger noted she waited for the smiles to leave both his and Amy's faces. Even Xander managed to let a small smirk come through.
"But the bad guy is just that... some guy... or at worst, some thing... there will be a way to stop it, to protect yourself until you have an oppurtunity to finish it once and for all... the things to be scared of are way deeper than that."
Roger watched as she seemed to retreat into yourself. "Watching someone you care about dying in front of you... and being unable to do anything about it. That's an image that will never leave you."
"Losing control." Faith breathed out, keeping her eyes down. "Being scared of ever losing control again... and being worried when temptation hits."
With that she tossed the empty bottle over her shoulder getting a direct hit into the bin. Standing up she went to the fridge to grab another beer.
Roger paused as the table remained silent. Amy got up after a few more minutes and wordlessly handed out the next round.
It was a further ten minutes before anyone said anything, and then the conversation went onto lighter topics.
This continued for a further hour or so til Amy excused herself. Roger followed her out, deciding it would probably be safer to get any information on what had just happened from Amy.
Once they'd gone, Xander turned to face Faith where she was sitting at the table. He reached into the fridge and brought two bottles of beer out. Handing her one, he sat down next to her.
"Losing control, huh?" He said trying to make it sound as casual as he could.
"Friend turning into a monster, eh?" She said in the same tone.
"That wasn't you." He responded dryly.
"Sure... cos the only other person it applies to it Fang... and you weren't friends."
'Dammit,' he thought to himself. 'Why is this always going to difficult between us.'
"My first vampire... the first one I staked... also happened to be my oldest friend." He confessed.
"Before Willow..?" She asked, he could see the idea of him having friends prior to Buffy and Willow shocked her.
"Before Willow." He agreed. "I only met Willow cos Jesse was ill one day and I saw Cordelia picking on her. Me and Jesse were always arguing with Cordelia and her friends prior to that... they were from the posh side of Sunnydale and we weren't... I can't say I ever noticed Willow before that day."
"I guess she took blending into the background to a new level." She commented.
"You don't know the half of it." He smiled back.
"You'd never guess it from the Jewish-Wiccan Gay-Now Lesbian Mega-Witch that the new Slayers get to meet."
"Guess you don't... it'll have to be our secret." He teased.
"Ours..?" She asked.
"I mean all the original Scoobs... the Sunnydale lot before becoming a Slayer became the new cool thing to do."
"You honestly say you include me in that group?" She asked, he watched her looking into his eye. Desperate to know the truth.
"Not always no... but at first I did. Then later when you returned with Willow... I saw you as a potential helper." At her look, he added. "If it makes you feel any better, even on your return to help with the newbies I saw your status the same as I saw Deadboy's back in school."
"I guess it does a bit... except that Fang was a fully fledged member of your gang." She corrected him.
"Not to me... and after he lost his soul... not to Giles either." He answered honestly. "Never felt as bad about him as I did Spike but... you know."
"Yeah I guess I can live with that." She smiled at him.
"That's just your starting point. If you continue the way you have been recently I guess you'll make it into the group completely the way I think about the other girls."
"The other girls?"
"Buffy, Willow, Tara for a while, Dawn and Anya," he had to stop himself choking on the name. Even now it still hurt, but he could see himself moving on making a life without her. He wasn't ready yet... but one day. The possibility lived in the never ending concept of one day.
"Dawn never joined in with the Scoobs." Faith told him.
"Only cos she was too young... and Buffy would have flipped." Xander shrugged. "Dawn was a Scooby in all but life-riskage... though if you count all her kidnappings I'm pretty sure she's a fully paid up member."
"Giles not get a mention?" Faith countered.
"He was more the leader than one of the actual gang..." He trailed off.
"So, you could consider me as a potential to be one of your girls, eh Xan?" She beamed at him.
"Keep it up." He commented. "So.... about this losing control and being tempted to again... I take it you were talking about the Mayor... I mean when the First visited you as him."
"You knew about that?" She asked. He could see the shock visible on her face.
"I was outside when I heard you talking to someone. We only heard your side of the conversation."
"We..?"
"Wood was with me."
"Ahh..." She nodded understanding. "And you didn't come in..."
"You seemed to be fairing fine on your own. You never let him get to you... I don't what he said but you never gave in, not once... I was... proud, Faith. You argued your corner and never backed down."
"You could have come in and helped me you know." She stated angrily, turning her back to him.
"No I couldn't." He paused unsure how to continue, waiting for her to face him. Once she did he quickly resumed speaking. "What were you going to do? Have someone with you at all times? The First would have seen you as a weak link and concentrated on you. Knowing you were the most susceptible to manipulation."
"So what... you were going to leave me to it..?"
"Not if you'd gone the other way." He answered in a matter-of-fact tone. "If you'd hadn't stood up to him, I'd have came in, dragging Buffy and everyone else..."
"And dealt with me?"
"And told you what we'd all experienced... well what they'd all experienced... Dawn got a visit in the form of her mother... if she could cope with that, then I doubt your stubborness would have let you get beaten the Mayor." He said tightly.
"You didn't get a visit from the First...?" She asked shocked, Wood had told her that it came to the major players, sure he might have been saying it to get a piece of ass... but.
"I did. Jesse." Xander commented, and sat down heavily. The previous anger that had been fuelling their argument gone like it had been simply passing through.
"Your friend... the one you staked...? What did he say?" Faith asked. "God, if it'd been Lynda."
Xander put the information at the back of his mind. 'I don't know a Lynda... must be someone she cared about though from her tone. Probably her first Watcher.' he decided.
"I don't know." He answered, taking a long drink. 'God it's been a while since I wanted to get properly drunk.'
"You don't know..?" She asked. "The Mayor tried to rip me apart, make me feel like I didn't belong. How could you forget something like that?"
"I didn't..." Xander confessed, "It was over before I paid attention."
"What do you mean..?" She asked concerned. Crouching before his place on the chair she placed one hand on his, which rested on her knee. "Xan tell me."
"The First appeared, you know... in the form of Jesse. Except it was Jesse... identical in every way." Noting her confusion, he continued. "Jesse was turned when Buffy first came to town... we were young. We grew up together, the standard stuff, climbing trees, talking about girls, skipping school to go swimming that sort of thing. He was interested in Cordelia way before I was. But the guy I was facing... it wasn't him, you know... wasn't my brother in all but blood. It was some sixteen year old kid. And as it began talking that's all I kept thinking. He's sixteen... we fought occasionally you know... fairly evenly matched and everything... just using a bit of extra testosterone and all that... man, I'm trying to explain letting off steam through a bit of playful violence to a Slayer." He saw the smile on her face. It made him feel more comfortable. "The First thing I thought while he taunted me, was straight back to like when he was alive. I thought about challenging him to come over and say that... childish I know. But the second thought was how skinny he was, how I could snap him in half without thinking about it. He made some comment about me betraying him, how I got Cordelia when it was his girl... I stopped paying attention at that point. Jesse never lived long enough to see me date Cordelia, hell if he had maybe I wouldn't have, he didn't know about me losing my virginity to you, I would have loved to have seen his face once I'd told him you were my first... he didn't know about what I'd been through, didn't about how scared I was about marrying Anya... didn't know me anymore. Cos the last time he knew me, I was just like him... this stupid little kid who worried about all this irrelevant crap. And that's all I kept thinking when he was with me. Whenever my attention returned to him, I'd catch maybe two or three words. Just enough to give me something else to concentrate on. Something else that I did, that Jesse never lived to see. By the time it finished, he'd changed into his vampire face. A last reminder of my final memories... I guess I pissed the First off though. He... It taunted me... telling me I was the first not to be sucked in by it's little trick... then it told me I'd seen right through it... and at that exact same moment, the vampire version of Jesse staked itself. And dusted in front of me... I found myself leaping forward... trying to grasp any remainders of my friend. But the dust wasn't there... just like Jesse was never there."
He examined Faith's eyes, it seemed she didn't know what to say or how to react to that.
"Fuck."
'Or maybe I was wrong.' He thought.
"Fuck... Cyke... you ignored the fucking First... it came to you in a form that was meant to fucking destroy you and you stood there and ignored it... no wonder it was pissed." She said. "Fuck... man, how cool are you..? You are completely the shit, ya know... don't fuck with the XanMan... he is untouchable."
"Faith..." He said calmly, trying to bring her back down to earth. He waited until she'd stopped enough for him to continue.
"You don't understand." He started, unsure whether or not he wanted to admit this. Deciding it might help her in the long run with her own doubts and insecurities he continued. "I wis... no, we don't say that word. I wanted to go back in time... not much, just enough to get to hear that conversation... even though I knew it wasn't Jesse... I would have liked to have heard him again, listened to his opinions on some of the things that happened even though they wouldn't be his... they'd be those of someone pretending to be him... doing it to attempt to manipulate me in some way... but still... I would have liked to have heard his voice again... you know?" He drifted off.
"Yeah..." She responded, something unreadable in her own eyes. "I think I can understand that."
They sat there quietly finishing the rest of their drinks, neither saying another word.
End chapter 9a