Disclaimer: I don't own Victorious

05/23/2012.

Hey journal. So I guess I should fill you in with what's been happening these past few days. It's been hard to be honest. I've known Jade was slipping into a relapse for a while but seeing her like that was the worst thing I've ever had to deal with in my life.

Once Jenn arrived and I told her what happened she took Jade straight back to the eating recovery center herself. After what her stepmom said, Jade sort of closed up and refused to talk to me. I got the feeling she was just very, very scared. Once Jade and Jenn had gone I went home and slept for the rest of my Saturday. It didn't matter that I'd already slept for several hours last night, I was just beyond tired.

When I woke up it was Sunday already and I felt weak, hungry and emotional. For some reason my Mom was lying next to me on the bed. I soon found out that Jenn had phoned her to let her know what was going on and she hugged me tightly giving me permission to just cry. She took care of me all day, bringing me breakfast in bed and watching movies with me. I felt stupid for being so upset but I couldn't help it. I wanted my girlfriend to be better. I wanted to feel like I hadn't completely failed her.

I didn't hear from her until Sunday night when she finally texted me. I read the text I got from her hopeful that she was doing better. She made it seem like she was doing better. But then she was very good at convincing people that.

Hey babe. I know you're probably still angry and upset after Friday night. I'm so sorry. I know I say it too much and nothing ever changes. Please believe me I'm trying. I've been moved to a different part of the unit and they've changed my diagnosis. I love you and I'm sorry.

I love you. It's not your fault Jade. It's an illness. I wish I'd been enough to get you through it but I wasn't so I'm sorry too. What do you mean they changed your diagnosis?

Bulimia nervosa. You did everything you could. I know you did. I'm just a big mess.

How are you feeling?

Tired. Sad. Relieved.

I'm proud of you.

Don't be. White. Night T. xxx

Goodnight Jade. xxx

That was the last I heard from her over a week ago now. I've texted her every day since but she's not replied. She's not even sending me the paper chain texts anymore which makes me feel beyond anxious. I hate not having a clue how she's doing. Even Beck doesn't know. He says his Mom has been visiting every other day, but won't tell him anything and recommends leaving her be for a while. I trust Jenn which is the only reason I haven't visited yet. If Jenn says give her time, then I will.

05/31/2012.

I saw Jade today but not at the eating recovery center. She had her final exam this morning and was escorted into school by one of the Valewood staff to sit it. The rest of our gang was stood together by the lockers when she came in. My eyes nearly jumped out of my skull, I just wasn't expecting to see her. Jade looked around the second she came through the doors, caught my eye, and ran into my arms.

"Oh my god!" I cried as Jade hugged me tightly.

"I miss you." Jade admitted, still wrapped around my body

"I miss you too." I replied breathing in her scent. "I'll come visit you soon ok?"

"Come on Jade you don't want to miss your exam." The woman who had escorted her here said firmly. I pulled away from Jade rubbing her arm.

"Good luck in your exam." I pecked her on the lips, just as she was forced to leave.

"I love you." Jade mouthed following the woman around the corner. I smiled relieved just having seen her. I walked back to my friends under the impression nothing could bring me down from that. I was wrong.

"Is it me or does she look skinnier than before she went in?" Robbie asked all of us. Beck shook his head and I found my smile falling, quickly becoming a glare.

"Did you have to say that?" I asked angrily.

"Well she does. I just noticed—"

"Just no Robbie. You don't notice it and you definitely don't comment on it!" I snapped viciously. She had lost weight. You could see it in her face and in her legs. When she hugged me I could feel her bones. I could block it out and had been blocking it out before Robbie mentioned it. I walked away upset.

06/06/2012.

It was my very last day at Hollywood Arts today. I have to say I cried a lot. Sikowitz gave us all little gifts and cards and the whole thing was a huge ball of emotion. We still have graduation in about a month but today was officially our last day all in the same school. Sikowitz gave me a tiny wrapped present for Jade and asked me to pass it on. I said I would as soon as I saw her. I need to see her soon, I miss her a lot. But when I phoned her tonight to see if she wanted me to come visit, she didn't seem herself or good or anything really.

"Hey Tor." Jade answered the phone. I could tell she was faking that enthusiastic voice instantly.

"Hi baby, how are you?" I replied softly.

"I'm ok how are you?" Jade answered.

"I'm fine. It was our last day at school today. It was crazy, I wish you could have been there." I confessed.

"I'm sorry I wasn't." Jade said sadly.

"It's okay. I just miss you." I replied.

Jade was silent for a long time and I swore I heard her snivel before she croaked "I miss you too."

"You don't sound very happy." I said concerned. I heard her snivel again and I frowned upset.

"I have to go." Jade eventually spoke up.

"Wait Jade!" I tried to stop her but I was too late, she'd already hung up. What does this even mean? Is she just having a bad day or is this every day? I wouldn't know because she never tells me anymore. She doesn't text me, she won't let me arrange a visit, she rarely answers my phone calls. She can push me away all she wants but this will not be a repeat of last time. I'm not losing her again.

06/14/2012.

Jade please talk to me.

What did I do wrong?.

I miss you.

Please let me know if you're ok..

I'm great! Everything is really great.

After almost twenty concerned text messages from me, I finally got a reply and it didn't take a psychiatrist to see through that lie. People who are doing 'great' do not ignore their girlfriend for weeks. I wanted to say that but honestly I was too terrified saying anything to her that could possibly make her relapse more. I had no idea how she was doing, how fragile her mental state was. Something told me not to push her any further and after what happened tonight, I'm glad I didn't.

I wasn't expecting anyone to come over this evening. Trina was lounging on the couch next to me when the doorbell rang and obviously she insisted I got it. I was surprised when I opened the door to see Beck.

"Oh hi Beck!" Trina waved flirtatiously from the couch. Beck smiled awkwardly at my older sister whilst I rolled my eyes.

"Could I talk to you in private?" Beck lowered his voice. He looked serious and upset.

"Yeah we can go in my room." I nodded letting him inside. Trina tried to hug him and he didn't even entertain her this time just shaking his head 'no' and shrugging away from her.

"Stop it Trina." I said sternly directing Beck upstairs. For someone as stoic and emotionless as Beck he looked awfully close to tears. I knew this had something to do with Jade and I was anxious to find out what. Once we were upstairs we both sat down on my bed and I waited nervously for him to explain what this was about.

"I went to see Jade." Beck exhaled, shaking his head. "She's not doing good Tor."

"What's wrong?" I asked terrified.

"She's not eating. Anything." Beck explained gravely "She's not throwing up anymore because they won't let her obviously, but she's starving herself pretty badly."

"What?!" I gasped in horror.

"She's depressed or something. She would barely talk to me. She even refused water at one point even though she is obviously dehydrated." Beck continued

"Oh my god!" Tears pricked at my eyes and Beck leant forwards, squeezing my hand tightly.

"Somehow I got through to her about that and convinced her to drink, but god knows how she's coping by herself." Beck shook his head.

"Whats her weight?" I voiced my biggest fear.

"Dropping drastically.." Beck admitted, "Her face is unrecognisable."

"Why aren't they doing anything about it?!"

"What else can they do Tori? They can't force her to eat!"

"But she'll die!" I sobbed. The last thing I expected was to see Beck cry too. He tried to hide it but I saw him and pulled him into a hug. Both of us just cried, holding each other for a long time.

"I begged her to eat. She's not listening to me Tori." Beck shook his head. "You have to talk to her."

"If she's not listening to you, why would she listen to me?" I whimpered.

"Because she's in love with you! She would do anything to please you." Beck emphasised.

"She's not in control of it Beck.." I insisted "She's got an eating disorder. A really serious one. She's not doing this on purpose."

"But she's the only one who can change it." Beck said sadly.

"I know." I nodded.

"My Mom is this close to getting her sectioned. Then they will force-feed her. Please Tori just go talk to her." Beck begged me. I wiped my eyes, sighing.

"I'll try."