I told Spencer the truth that night and it wasn't easy might I add, she became mad at me you know how you always hate the messenger. I've tried for weeks to get her to talk to me she doesn't want me near her, I feel as if it is my fault all this has happened. I canceled the rest of my tour, it only made her worse she needed time to heal and get away from all things LA, but I couldn't see us leaving in our situation. She needs to face this and either forgive or forget and it needs to start with her mother.
She's been sleeping a lot more whether it be depression or just the pregnancy I don't know, we have a doctor's appointment at ten, we'll find out what she is having today. I'm ecstatic I just wish she could be.
I turn and see she is awake staring out the window into the sunlight, I want to hug her and let her cry on me but she will just push me away and tell me I don't understand I know I've tried.
"Spence we should get ready" I tell her in a soft whisper sliding my hand across the sheets to where her back is, though I am not touching her.
"I don't want you to go" she slowly gets up not looking at me
"What? Spencer…I want to be there…Please" I sit up grabbing my sweats from the back of bed.
"I know" She says meekly walking to the bathroom and closing the door.
I approach the door knowing it is locked, I try anyway hoping she left me a way in. Nope locked "Spencer this shit has to stop…Stop punishing me" I hear her turn the shower on "I'm going to kick it down if you don't unlock this door" Still nothing
I take a breathe and bring my foot up to the door hitting it hard, it doesn't budge. I try this time with all my strength and it swings open the framing falling down. I smirk a little to myself.
Spencer pulls the curtain back actually looking at me for the first time in weeks it may be pure hate on her face but it is an emotion.
"I can't believe you did that I could have been behind that door"
"But you weren't, and what other choice have you given me" I approach her and see her body, her belly it has grown since the last time I have seen her. She realizes I'm looking and pulls the curtain back
"Get out!" she yells
"No…I can't and I won't" I rip the curtain of the rings and throw it to the ground leaving her standing alone and open to me
"Nice! What the hell is your problem" she asks with a smile
"So this is funny you laugh now?" I ask her as I step into the shower fully clothed
"Don't touch me" her words are harsh and almost pierce through my skin
"Why I'm not gonna hurt you" I reach out to her but she pulls back,
"Don't Ashley" she says my name very sternly but with a hint of pain and I know that it is my cue
"I love you" I tell her as I try to reach her again this time she jerks back and hits the wall a tear falls from her eyes and rolls down her cheek I wipe it and she lets me.
"I love you Spencer" I take her into a hug, she is still at first then starts to slither out of my grasp I hold on tighter "I love you and I'm not going to leave you" I whisper in her ear trying to hold my grip on her. She starts to cry and push at me finally breaking away her eyes come to mine and I see her pain.
"I can't do this" she says to me trying to get away and out of the shower
I grab her back "Do what?" I ask her
"This I'm to tired" she signals between us and I know she doesn't mean me, she means her with me
"I'm not tired anymore Spencer you can sleep I'll watch over you forever"
"No you will now but when it gets hard you'll bail on me like always" she is staring dead at me it actually hurts
"It's been hard for weeks and here I am haven't left once" I shake my head because the pain of hearing her say this hurts to much for words
"When this baby comes and you have to work, what then Ashley where does that leave me…other then alone" she's crying now harder then I like to see her
"You'll never be alone Spencer, I will always be here" I say as I point to her heart
"Fine Ashley like I said I'm tired I give you win let's go" she pushes me and I was caught off balance and I fall back letting her slip away.
"Spencer…." I yell
"No we have to go we can finish this later" she says with a smile a fake one I know
I stand and watch her get dressed, I'm taken back by her beauty but off on her words
"Are you going like that?" she asks eyeing me up and down. I realize that I'm soaking wet.
"You go Kimmie has the car already for you" I nod at point toward the door
"All the bickering and you cave so easily wish you were always so easy…" she says as she walks out but before she goes I catch a little glimpse of a smile and a real one at that. "Five minutes Ashley… we'll be late"
I quickly change because I know even though I may be angry at her I have to go I want to go, see the baby find out what we are having. I keep telling myself this baby will make her realize how much I love her and that she has to come back to me. It's my last hope really because if it doesn't happen I can't deal with this anymore I will have no choice but to leave.
The car ride was long maybe because we didn't talk just little awkward glances every three seconds. We found a little OBG office on the outskirts of town, it was a nice place very expensive even in my book. It was the only place she feels comfortable at so I pay just to make her happy.
I want her to go to County but she won't go because of her mother, so I don't protest. I just know we will have to discuss where this baby will be born at. I would feel thirty percent better if she went to a real hospital.
"Ashley are you paying attention" Spencer asks and takes me out of my thoughts
"Were you talking to me?" I ask wide eyed because I never noticed her speaking
"Wow…Yeah do you really want to know what sex the baby is?" she's mad now in her voice there's a tone
"Yes!" I never glance at her just keep staring straight ahead. "Why wouldn't I?"
She doesn't answer just opens the door as we pull up to the office, I follow behind her slowly letting her get ahead of me, hoping she'll stop for me but she doesn't.
The nurse leads us into a room, a bright white room like a surgical room. I notice the pictures hanging on the wall old art that could have been painted by a two year old it was so ugly.
I take a seat on the big spinning chair and Spencer relaxes on the white paper that hides the weird shaped bed. I notice the stirrups first and smile as I think of what I could do with those. It is as if Spencer knows what I am thinking she shakes her head and huffs.
"What?" I ask her with a smile
"Nothing… it will never happen" She smiles as she says it and I think it is the first time I've seen her happy in a long time, even if it only last for a second.
I stand up and stride over to her smirking I lean down and whisper "Well I know whats on my mind but whats on yours"
I hear the paper crinkling as she scoots back away from me. It all comes back to me the fighting and arguing as I hang my head I shake it a little before turning and sitting back down, never making eye contact with her. I know she's looking at me I can feel her but I continue to keep my eyes on the magazine I am flipping through. I hear the paper move and then warm soft fingers pulling at my chin. When I look I don't notice she is crying maybe because I am sick of all of this or just because I am starting to get use to her crying.
"I'm sorry I know you've been trying…and I appreciate that its just hard." Her hand is now on my cheek and I wish I could just hug her and make her believe me when I say everything will be ok but I know it can't be that simple.
"You make it harder then it should" Ok I know that came out sounding bad but I think she got what I meant
"I know I want to stop and let it all be easy again –"
I cut her off quickly "When was it ever easy, me touring, Aiden and his shit and now this with your mom, it was never easy and it never will be so if that's -"
"No its not I – I just want to be normal" She went and sat back down I immediately missed the warmth of her hand
I got up and went to her "Spencer look at me!" I smile as she gazes up at me with her eyes I smile remembering all the times I have been lost in them. "It will never be normal for us, there are so many reasons why and I think you know them all, You could go and have a semi normal life but me I am stuck with this abnormal life and anyone in it is also" My hand comes to a stop on her belly and I kneel down and give her stomach a kiss, I look up at her and smile "If you want normal for you and this baby I will let you go"
She opens her mouth to speak but a knock on the door makes us both stop and look at the doctor who walks in. He's a tall older man black hair definitely dyed because his eyebrows are as white as snow, chubby looking face that doesn't match well with his shape. But he walks in with a smile and that is all I can ask for no assholes.
"Hello ladies, so we ready to seeing this baby?" He asks as he sits down in the spinning chair I was just in. ii move aside so he can get to Spencer.
"Yeah" Spencer's voice shakes and I immediately reach down to hold her hand squeezing some reassurance into her.
"Don't sound scared you won't feel a thing, well right now that is… I can't promise anything a couple months from now." He says with a smile
I watch as they have a conversation, talking about what will happen and how she'll now what to do. I know I should be listening but my mind keeps wandering off into space thinking of all the shit that is between me and Spencer and how petty it really is. The only thing that matters is what happens right now not what has happened.
I feel Spencer move and I am shook out of my thought, she smiles up at me I know our conversation will continue in the car or at home so I am not stressing on it but I think she is her eyes are searching mine trying to tell me something but I can't see.
Spencer lays down and I look toward the doctor who is wheeling a machine over toward the bed. He pulls out what looks like a real big dildo, I scrunch my face and Spencer laughs.
"It's to see the baby Ashley…"
"Oh sorry I might have not heard that part" I smile and sit down on the chair next to her
"Yeah I seen you floating out there" she remarks I just smile
"Ok let's see this little guy or girl" He's rubbing the devise on Spencer's stomach and the machine is making a weird noise "So do you two want to know what you are having?" he asks as he stops and looks and Spencer and I
"Yeah, Ashley right?" Spencer looks at me and I shake my head "Yes"
"Ok here is the baby, the noise you hear is the heartbeat and it looks like you'll be having a little girl" He smiles and looks up at us, Spencer starts to cry and I stare at the screen just watching trying to see the baby because to me it looks like a black and white motion picture. I feel relieved as in the baby will hopefully look like Spencer and not like its father but now it makes it all the more real.
"Ok Spencer I want you to schedule an appointment for some blood test and then make an appointment to come see me again in about six weeks. How does that sound?" he asks with a smirk on his face like he just saved the world
"It sounds great…Can we go please" I interrupt and Spencer looks at me nervously sensing my irritation she just smiles
"Yes we can go…Thank you Doctor Dom" she shakes his hand and his hands comes towards me and I smile and grab Spencer's pants and shoes.
"Yeah thanks…you can go now so she can dress" I frown at him, his eyes widen he turns and leaves. I really don't know what has happened to my mind but I think it is still lost in it's a girl. I snapped a little my craving for alcohol has risen since Spencer's break down. I can feel it sinking in my mind my blood and some of my thoughts it's like an annoying pinching in my heart and it won't stop. I hand Spencer her clothes, she rips them from my hand
"What was that about we agreed to be nice not psychotic" She asks eyeing me as she slips her jeans on.
"Not now let's just go I have some shit I need to do" I grab her hand and she recoils
"Don't treat me like I'm your toy Ashley… I'm your wife and I'm not stupid" She glares at me and reaches for the door. I grab it and pull her into me
"I never said you were stupid, that was you so don't go putting shit in my mouth that was never there." I run my hand over her hair and tuck a strain behind her ear
"In the car you never answered me is this what you want" I ask her
"Yes I want us -" I put my hand over her mouth stopping her from speaking
"Shhh…I just want to know if you want to be my wife forever no matter what"
"Yes I do and I wish you would tell me the same" she asked smiling hoping for me to tell her
"I will… I have, let's go" I opened the door pulling her with me I know she wanted more but right now I just needed to hear her say it"