The past week kind of flew by in a haze. The day he found a… treatment for my back pain… that must have been Saturday, because he didn't leave me that day or the next.
What's the date, anyway?
I wonder what year it is.
I don't even know the month!
Or the season.
Giggle.
I swear he has me drugged. I've been feeling so loopy lately. My balance is shot, my thoughts are so chaotic, I… I feel stupid happy all the time.
But there's not much pain, so I don't really care.
To hell with co… um, coherency. Haha.
The pain is gone, and he pampers me as soon as I get home!
I mean, as soon as he gets home.
Snicker.
He rubs my back at night. He rubs it whenever I ask him to! Maybe he's spoiling me. Maybe I'm being too needy. But holy hell it feels good.
I don't think I would ask him so much if I wasn't feeling so...affected. Yeah, I think that's the right word. That's another word for drugged, right? Kinda?
My brain is shot, I swear.
But the pain is gone!
Oh, sore, I need more. I make my way to the kitchen-oh hell, balance is off, I missed the doorway, walked into the wall-and laugh stupidly before feeling along the wall and making my way to the fridge.
I've figured out his little game. He puts the drugs in my drinks.
Did he think I wouldn't figure it out because I'm blind?
Unfortunately, he's going to notice that I drank a few extra meals today. I'm just trying to stave off any chance of pain. Like what I have now. It's not strong, I… hm. I don't feel it now. I twist and press on the spot, but it's still gone.
Did I imagine the pain?
Oh hell, an ounce of prevention, right? Bottoms up!
And my legs indeed fly out from under me as I lose balance, dropping me with a sudden stop right on my ass. I expect the lightning strike of pain to course through me, but all I feel is a small twinge. I giggle gleefully at the deadened pain before sucking down the drink, realizing when I'm finished that I'm laying flat on the kitchen floor.
Too comfy to get up, I tell myself. Too content. I think too dizzy, too. How dizzy? I don't have eyes or ears to make that...perception, do I?
Guess dizzy and balance go hand in hand. Come on Ed, you're not that drugged that you can't figure that out.
I have a feeling that I'm blabbering nonsense. I don't care, nobody is around to hear me anyway.
Wait, what's that-
Relax Ed, nobody's home.
However, my sudden gut feeling did in fact prove to be real and not just the smoothie digesting. I feel myself being sat up and my shoulders shaken, but I just snicker stupidly.
"Heyyy, I am happy to an-nounce that I am pain-free!" I begin laughing, totally ignoring when he tries to pull me to my feet.
Why get up? It's perfectly comfy down here. Horizontally. Well I am half-vertical now, right? I laugh again, despite him shaking my shoulders to get my attention.
I barely register as he lifts me to my feet, or as we begin walking out of the kitchen. Honestly, I think I'm doing more stumbling than walking, but he's here to catch me.
I find myself suddenly horizontal again, but the motion was so sudden that either I tripped or…
I'm on the couch.
He didn't shove me onto the couch, did he?
"Join me," I say stupidly, lifting my arms invitingly. He shoves them down next to me, not giving me a kiss or anything. How rude.
I kind of feel an inhibition called pride. It's telling me to stop acting so dumb.
But that's no fun!
"Come on, can't we have… have snuggles?"
There's no response, so I get up. I fall right back down as my balance gives out, but something else is wrong-I grab desperately at the floor.
"My leg," I gasp; my left leg! "Where is my leg?!"
Roy dropped his kitchen project to return to Edward's side-the man was being so much trouble today-only to find him floundering helplessly on the floor with distress on his face.
"My leg," Ed cried again. "I can't feel my leg!"
Roy sighed in exasperation as he rolled Edward onto his back, guided Ed's hands to the automail and had him hit it repeatedly.
"My-my leg-" Ed trailed off as realization dawned on his face. The stoned look in his eyes never left as he snickered. "Oops. It's metal!"
"You have got to be kidding me," Roy moaned. He dragged Ed back to the couch and unceremoniously tossed him onto it again, leaving for the kitchen.
"I thought you would know better than to take so much of the stuff," he muttered. He glanced into the sink to find double the usual cups from the day. "You are such an idiot; you can overdose from those pills!"
Who am I fooling, Roy thought to himself. I shouldn't have left them so readily accessible. Especially for how much pain he's had lately…
"...Amestris has the finest military brass, and the state alchemists gonna kick your ass!" Ed's horrid off-key singing filtered into the kitchen, followed by fits of stupid giggles and then a thump as he likely fell off the couch.
Roy had been resisting. He really had. But he couldn't help his reaction and did a complete facepalm.
He ignored Ed's drugged antics as he moved the few remaining med smoothies to the bottom shelf and prepared a few fresh clean ones for the night and following morning. Having become rather adept at the art of smoothies, he was finished in no time flat.
He walked through the living room on his way to his office, detouring only to lift the sleeping Ed back onto the couch for a third time.
Dialing the familiar number, Roy leaned back and lazily placed his feet on his desk. He smiled as the cheerful voice came through the line.
"Rockbell Automail, Winry speaking!"
"Good evening, Winry. How are things in Risembool?"
"Oh, Roy! Really good, actually. Business is great! How about you? How are you and Ed doing?"
"You know Edward," Roy replied with an amused sigh. "Trouble finds him."
"What happened?"
"Just a small accident where he hurt his back. He's feeling better, but he managed to get hold of some extra pain medication, and well… he's acting like a drunken idiot. I've solved the problem and it won't happen tomorrow."
"Geez. He never gave himself a chance to abuse pain pills, even during automail surgery. Why is he doing it now?"
"For a few days, he could barely walk. I imagine he thinks the meds are a cure. Besides getting up and moving around, he doesn't have all that much freedom, so he's just trying to retain what normality he has."
"I suppose you're right."
"How is Alphonse?"
"Oh. He actually just got back from Xing yesterday."
Roy could hear the mix of relief and disappointment in her voice. "Still no answers, then?"
"Unfortunately, nothing from the East. He really thought he would find an answer…"
"I'm worried that this might be permanent. Ed hasn't mentioned once about any cure or answer to getting his senses back, so… he must already know."
"But for him to have to live like that for the rest of his life…"
"It really isn't fair." He frowned. "I think a visit from his mechanic and his brother would cheer him up, though. Business isn't too much for you to take a break and visit Central, is it?"
"Of course not. Can we expect Ed to be on good behavior by then?" She giggled.
"Of course. I'll make sure of it." He hung up after goodbyes and returned to the living room to find Ed laying with his back on the floor and his legs on the couch. He was still asleep, though Roy had never seen anyone fall into that position before. He lifted Ed with ease, sliding himself underneath the blond and wrapping his arms around him protectively. He received a faceful of hair as Ed shifted his weight and scooted up just a bit to stretch his spine.
Groan.
My breakfast didn't have any medication in it. I could tell because my back was bothering me and I didn't feel the fogged bliss. I think I asked for some and complained, maybe with a bit of exaggeration, about the pain.
It's really not that bad, just a dull ache, but for the past few days I didn't have any and it was really nice.
I wander to the fridge and reach in, trying to find another cup. Unfortunately, I feel myself pulled back and turned away from the fridge.
What-is he trying to limit me? Come on, I need pain relief!
No.
Oh hell, did I say that out loud? Knock it off, Edward!
"Come on, just-just a little bit?"
No.
"Well that's just fine for you, you don't have any back pain!"
He pulls me to him for a kiss, the nerve, and I lift my arm to smack him away-but I lower it when I realize how unpleasantly reactive I'd been lately. I just sigh into the kiss, wrapping my arms around him obediently. I feel him pull away immediately, but I just step forward and squeeze around his middle once more.
"Sorry. I… I know I'm an ass-asshole. People used to tell me all the-all the time. I-I don't want to be selfish, um, selfish. Because I really do love-" My breath hitches as my mind holds me back. I can't… I can't tell him the truth because I still don't know his name, and he might think… I'm just certifiably insane, or only in this for the dependency. "I love-that you care for me...enough to do ev-everything you do. Thank-thank you."
His arms wrap around me and he holds me inescapably tightly, though it doesn't last long and I'm free again. Before I can dejectedly return to the couch, he takes my arm and leads me to the front door.
"Out, are we going out?"
Nod.
"Not for very long-very long, my back still hurts a-a little. I might get-" I silence myself before I can pitifully admit to tiring easily. Stop being a baby, Ed; live a little.
He puts my coat on-I've figured out that's why he dresses me before we leave-and leads me out the front door.
Our walk actually is fairly far, leading around a lot of turns and pauses which I assume is crossing the street. I shudder as I imagine getting lost in this city and trying to find my way back home. Maybe I would try to get his address.
Hah, how, Edward?
Well, I don't know, hit me for the numbers…
And the street name?
We could… figure out…
You'd never know if you had it right. Just enjoy being his toy doll, will you?
I hang my head as we walk, obediently following his lead. I ignore the sense that someone else is next to me and trying to get my attention and just follow him, knowing that these stupid little moments could never make me whole again.
He hadn't missed it. Roy had seen that look of recognition on Ed's face when Elicia Hughes ran up to them to talk to them. He just didn't expect Ed to ignore the sixth sense and close his eyes as he pushed on to keep walking.
Roy stopped him long enough to explain to Elicia that Ed couldn't hear or see her, catching her off guard. She rushed Ed to give him a hug when she heard the news.
"Who…" Ed trailed off with a frown, pulling away from her slowly. "I don't-sorry, I don't want-want to be… out right now."
"Ed?" Roy gave his arm a shake, not expecting when Ed yanked it away and stumbled a few steps to the side.
"Why-why do you always bring me out-out into public? Do-do you like letting people see-see me like this?"
Roy took Ed's arms firmly in his grasp, but Ed freed himself easily. With a quick shove, Ed put distance between the both of them, knocking himself on his rear from the loss of balance. Roy watched Ed and waited for the man to calm and return to his senses-how ironic of a phrase was that-but instead he saw the sadness in those golden eyes replaced by sudden fear.
"No, no, h-hell, I don't… hey, are you okay? Are you there?! Oh no, no I can't, I don't know my way…" Ed crawled to his knees, feeling around blindly in front of him as his breathing quickened. "Please-please, are-are you…"
"I'm right here Edward," Roy said sadly, lifting Ed's head by the chin. His heart sunk as immeasurable relief flooded the glistening, jerky eyes and Ed reached forward to find Roy's hand.
"I-I'm sorry I-I just-" He stuttered pathetically as he stood again with Roy's help, burying himself in the man's chest with an astounding lack of pride. "I-I can't-I don't-I'm s-sorry, please don't-I mean-w-we can go-go now…"
"I'm sorry Elicia, we-"
"I understand. It was good to see you two again." She smiled and waved to the both of them as Roy led the shaking Edward down the sidewalk.
I miss my senses. I miss being able to care for myself, knowing where I am and what I'm doing. I miss talking to people.
This thing with the gravity on my limbs and the hot and cold with my organs... well, it's just not enough! And that sixth sense only gives me a bare clue, but I never know if it's friend or foe, it's so useless.
Like the Colonel in rain.
But he at least has hearing and touch and taste and smell. I envy him right now. I would gladly be blind the rest of my life if I could have my other senses.
I'm stripped of all of them.
I don't know where I live.
I don't know who I live with.
And yet I love him.
How fucked up am I?
Is it selfish of me to want my old life back? To be able to know for sure who I'm talking to?
To be able to talk to them, hold a conversation?
I know I can be a grump, but I'm a social person. I need interaction. I'm not some damned bookworm introvert-not that I'm knocking that, Sczieska is pretty awesome in her own right, but I just… need more than this.
I tell myself it's okay, that I'll adjust. I take another baby step and learn something new, sure. But it all comes back down to, no matter what, I can't feed myself, bathe myself, even find my own way. Without the care of another, I would slowly die.
So what's the point of trying?
We're still walking. My back doesn't really hurt, but I'm starting to feel tired. Honestly, why are we walking? Is it part of my therapy?
Bring the invalid out where he could get lost and die.
Or walk into traffic and die.
Fall into a sewer manhole and die.
Why do I keep on living?
I slither my free arm around the one he holds my wrist with, hanging onto his arm as though we were dangling off a cliff and not safe on pavement.
I have a lot of reasons to not want to live. There are just as many ways that I could die from being in this state.
Somehow, after all of this time, I'm still alive. I'm still scrambling through, surviving, clutching at life.
I guess I sometimes forget… Alphonse and I, we always had people behind us, supporting us in our journey. Without them all, we never would have made it or have saved the country.
Now, he supports me. Despite how easily I get angry, frustrated or panicky, he's always there for me to take away my pain, or take a punch.
I don't know if he sees potential in me. I don't think there's much I can contribute to the world in my state. Maybe there's a reason that I've survived this long, though.
Maybe the gatekeeper, maybe Truth, maybe God sees something in me and keeps me going.
Or continues my torment with the evergrin of his.
If I've made it this far, gone this long with this little, then I can keep going, dammit. If he's willing to support me and teach me and love me, then I'll take this tattered reality and turn it into something beautiful.
For everyone who backed my brother and I in trying to get our bodies back…
I owe them that much.