Hey guys, here's the new chapter! I uploaded it quickly right? I was so happy to read your comments, I mean sorry for making you sad, but I kinda consider that as an achievement too. I like to make my writing speak instead of me, but I wanted to say this: it's hard to trust in people again and open up your heart. Even harder to leave the safe zone and grasp the risky opportunity in front of you. So here's a chapter to make you see things from Law's perspective.
Chapter XXV – The Obstacle.
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Hesitation is fatal.
Ever since he developed an interest in medicine he understood that golden rule, which applied to life as well. His field of medicine was rigorous and most demanding. The work was hard, the hours were long, leaving too little time for personal life. It's all he ever wanted; surrounded by doctors from the day he was born. The obvious evidence being his parents, who tried to balance career with private life and failed miserably. He thought he was learning from their mistakes.
Law takes another chug of whatever alcohol he got his hands on. As it stung his throat and settled in his gut, he gets the false but compelling impression that maybe he would find an answer once he finishes the whole bottle. What should I do now? The battle was far from over, but he didn't have a grain of strength left in him. Pathetic. What a feeble man he became.
Answer was never at the bottom of the glass or at the bottom of the bottle. Not in the next one and the one after that.
Another night drags on, with him attempting to come up with something, anything... And when he deems it impossible, he proceeds downing himself senseless in the cheap liquor, simply to pass out and escape the torture.
There are factors you can't prepare for.
Yet another rule in cardiothoracic surgery, which could be used in real life.
How many times does it have to happen for him to understand that?
No. I was prepared to bury that woman down.
Wrong. You had a factor you didn't consider.
Tashigi! He screams her name in his mind, flinging the glass from his hand at the wall. Glass fragments into tiny crystals, digging into the carpet.
Deciding on the spur of moment, being guided by emotions, having a "gut feeling" was never his thing. He constantly had to work his ass off. His field of surgery is highly competitive with a relatively small number of jobs. But the work was exceptionally rewarding, considering he was a natural for it. Every case he had was important and unique. That's why it hurt so much... To be prevented doing what you live and breathe for.
Do depressed doctors go to doctors? He practically laughs at his question.
He had seen it and heard it all. Doctors that drink alcohol and steal prescription medications. That contemplate suicide; suppressing their feelings to prevent being punished by licensing boards or mistreated by "Physician Health Programs."
In the end... Depression is an occupational hazard in medicine.
So... So... fucked up. He sinks into the sofa, gazing over the empty bottles and beer cans, as they lay discarded and drained, just as he was now. His stomach makes a weird noise in a complaint of not being fed since yesterday.
Instead of food, he savored the bitterness, one and only privilege in his screwed up life.
She must have had a plan of her own to ruin him like this. Of course, of course, she had... They had a deadlock and she was the faster pulling the trigger, fatally wounding him.
Nobody wanted to believe him when he said Sylvie could no longer operate. And the one evidence he had, failed him. The woman didn't want to talk anymore, probably because Sylvie threatened her or something. How in the world did she find out? He was careful in digging around, making sure not to leave a trace... And sure, he can demand an investigation, but he had slim hopes, since it was a done deal already.
If Sylvie managed to pull shit like this and get away with murder, what chances does he have in recuperating his reputation?
To think he was so reckless... His taunting pushed her to do this.
"I can satisfy you more than she ever could. She's not for somebody like you... I know you're only using her to make me mad." Sylvie brushes up against him, her hand stroking his upper arm, making his skin crawl.
"You are a deranged woman." He makes some space between them, glancing around to make sure they were alone in the hospital room. "If she couldn't satisfy me, I would never marry her."
She gave him a toothy smile. "I have a hard time believing that anyone could satisfy you. Why don't you let the poor girl go? She's over her head." Sylvie sits on the empty patient bed, crossing her legs.
"I have no interest in you," he closes his eyes, trying to hide hesitation. "So you can go ahead and say whatever you want to my parents, I pretty much inherited their part."
"Hm... I wonder... Your words don't sound convincing at all, my dear Law."
Anger combusts, despite her simple teasing.
"You will see how persuasive I can be when I prove that you're unfit to run this hospital," he tosses a mocking smirk into her face. "These pathetic rumors you spread about me... It's cheap, the same as you."
"Uh, that almost hurt." She grins, but there's something eerie about her. She may masquerade as a perfect daughter and devoted neurosurgeon, but he was starting to see the cracks in her facade.
"Watch your back." He utters, even though he unconsciously made a step back.
She chuckles audibly. "It is you who needs to watch your back." She stands up, walking up to him. "You're never going to catch me unprepared, never again."
Again?
He should have completed the puzzle back them. But he failed, being too preoccupied with other things.
He grabs her by the forearm dragging her into an uncrowded corner of the hospital.
"Oh, Law? Finally came to your senses?" She smiles obnoxiously, circling with the tip of her finger on his chest.
"How dare you set me up!" He growled through his teeth.
"What? I don't know what you are talking about!" If he met her yesterday, he would believe in her innocent face.
"Don't lie!" He squeezed her forearm tighter.
"Law, please... You're hurting me, I really-"
"How did you find out?!"
"Find out what? Law...?" And he sees it, the crack in her facade.
"Tsk, this isn't over. I will bring you down." He promises but is not assured.
"Well, best of luck," she grins, jerking her hand back from his grip. "May the luck serve you better than it did me when you left me."
"You are still hung up to that?! This has nothing to do with... For god's sake woman! Your obsession is outrageous!"
"It may look that simple to you, but I will never forget the humiliation I've been through after you broke off the engagement... When I had to cancel the wedding, return my dress and gifts while pretending to be fine with it, while you just left and continued as nothing happened." She stared at him with cheshire-cat like smile.
There it is. The real her. A cold-blooded killer and a freak who's clinging to the past.
"You were fine with it because you don't love me," he repeats the same words he was always telling her.
"And that is why, my dear Law, you needed to be taught a lesson. Never take me for granted. I will return the anguish you made me feel, tenfold."
"You are doing this to me because your reputation was hurt when I broke off the engagement? How insane can you actually be? You even hurt the hospital image!" He roared wildly.
"It's something you would do too, am I right? I'm surprised you waited."
"Fuck you. This isn't over." He turned away from her.
"I hope it isn't. I'm having so much fun!" She yelled as he sped up.
Damn it!
He was full of hatred. Of his own weakness and stupidity, of the stubbornness and the pride, and last of all, Tashigi, who had started it all.
The root of all the troubles was the attachment to her. He became weak, feeling emotions he didn't for years. His biggest mistake was not severing the ties with her immediately when she got close. He even told her things he didn't tell anyone.
Idiot! Idiot! Idiot!
He punched the cushion of the sofa, yelling into the soft fabric.
But the hatred swayed to pity. Then to hopelessness. Then back to anger.
He turns to his back, staring at the ceiling, his vision blurry as the alcohol kicked in.
If I could just discard everything... These feelings, this load I've been carrying since that day... To cast it away like a snake sheds old skin.
And then it comes.
Useless memories.
Hopelessness.
The past he didn't want to remember came back.
The desire for the world to feel his despair.
His throat felt drier than the desert, as he sluggishly clasps around the glass on the coffee table in the living room, before another worthless memory strikes. The drink was obnoxiously warm, but he finished it in less than a minute. He didn't care for the taste, he needed its effect.
I was born to be alone, to dream alone, to fight alone... To perish alone.
Yet, his very existence was an insoluble problem.
His mind drifts in and out like the current, gathering fragmentary thoughts and regrets.
"Get the fuck out." The familiar scene reruns this night as well.
"But-"
"Go home." He doesn't allow her to speak, blinded by the rage of defeat. He gave his everything to become the surgeon he was now. 24/7/365, spending time in the operating room four days a week, sometimes five. He was always working, even when exhaustion forced him to sleep. He would wake up in the middle of the night thinking about a case he had that day or a case he'll have the next day.
"T-This is my home." She feebly mumbles, and he loses it. "Do I need to spell it out for you?"
'You need an understanding spouse and family,' one of his professors at the college said. Well, fuck that.
"Fine," he grunted. "Since you like pretending you don't understand anything, I will play along, last time."
He remembers how cold her body was when he touched her, and how she shivered when he whispered into her ear the words of despair.
"This is what happens when I listen to you. I didn't strike the first blow, and now I lost everything."
Her eyes were as wide as if someone was coming to deliver the fatal blow. But, something doesn't sit right with him.
"We can't give up."
She doesn't get it, he snorts, feeling worse by the second.
"You can still say that she can't operate and then-"
"Shut up!" As if he didn't do that immediately! What kind of an idiot does she think he is? Stupid woman, and her foolish hope. He lost everything...
Can't she take a fucking hint and leave him alone? He sighs. No, Tashigi was stubborn. He had plenty of proof. She stuck around when he showed her the yearnings of his soul, the raw, vulnerable and pitiful him... Just what is wrong with her? She could do better. Anyone is better than me. The worthless son of a bitch who tries to blame you for his failures.
"I believed you would understand just a little when I told you everything about me, but I was wrong... You never did. You tried to change me into something I'm not and never will be. You don't realize that I spent my whole life trying to find a place to belong to, something to live for... Do you know that feeling? Of course, you don't."
For the first time in his life, he loathed himself for telling lies. For being an illusionist and a deceiver. But he had to do it. He had to kill her feelings for him. Although it was short and fairly hurtful for her, he encountered an unusual kind of happiness, but he didn't know if that could be called love.
"When I finally found it, I worked my ass off, but figures... I didn't have it in me to pursue it to the end... All because of one obstacle. The obstacle I never considered to add to my calculations. That little obstacle fucked me up to the point, I won't bounce back from this. If only I listened to myself and ended that bitch like I wanted to..."
He pauses at the protest of his heart aching, voice wavering, almost betraying him.
This is not about what I want, it's about her... What she will want, what she will need and what she deserves. And I can't give her any of it. He clamps his fists, her image blurring.
"What's with that face? You still don't get it?" He tries to summon his mocking voice, attempting to sound as convincing as he could. Why is it so hard...?
"That little pain in my ass is you. You cost me my life. I don't want to see you anymore, pack up your shit and leave, your purpose is done." He says it with all of his leftover strength, trying to overlook how crushed she was, or how the tears skidded down her face.
He's not surprised when a slap comes. If he could kick the shit outta himself he would do it.
"This is low, even for you... To blame me?"
"Tashigi. Leave. I don't want to listen to your fucking crap." He kept his eyes steady on her face, trying to persuade her.
But she protests, staring at him with unimaginable power. He nearly wants to collapse into her arms.
"Do you think he would want you to do that? To give up like this?"
The shit hits the ceiling fan at those words.
"Shut up, you don't have the right to speak about him!"
He knew it. He knew... He fucking knew it... What a failure he was.
I lost faith in this world, in people. But he made me human again... He made me believe in people again... But I have pushed it all out of my head. "Without my goal and career, I'm nothing! I have nothing!" It came as a statement more to himself than to her.
"Nothing, you say?" She bites her lower lip, frustrated. "You...You have plenty of things, yet you are blind to them."
What kind of things? He silences the question inside of him.
"Law you have your family, and they love you. I love you. That should be enough to help you fight against anything."
Love, huh? She said it lots of times, and there was no doubt in his mind now that she indeed loves him. Cora, you gave me all the love you had, but it seems like I still can't sort out my feelings... It's pathetic. He'd rather dig his own heart out, than admitting he wanted love. He snorts, shaking his head.
"You should know better than to tell me such idiotic things. I don't need love. And to disperse your fantasy, I already know the outcome of this: they will give that bastard whatever he asks. Nobody, not even my parents can help me. I am alone, and always was, so could you shut up already and leave?"
He pushes out his last effort to make her leave.
"Does this make you feel any better?" She mutters.
"What are you talking about?"
"I asked, do you feel better when you reject my love?"
He opened his mouth to reply, but no words came out. This... This is for your good. One thing I can make right.
"My career is a big part of my life too, I know that you're hurt. But you are not alone. Not anymore, so don't do this... Together we can-"
"Just stop." Or else I'll crumble. "There is no us. You are nothing to me."
Looking into her eyes forced him to realize things about himself that were deeply buried for years. Fragments of his life that were strongly repressed.
"Lies. You are a liar, Trafalgar Law." She sobbed, and his heart throbs at her words.
I am. But dealing with repressed feelings was such dirty work, and I can't do it.
"Why are you so stubborn? Why won't you live me alone?"
"Because... Without you, I would be alone too."
No more of this! His mind shouted. I can't look you in the eyes and not feel the guilt and pain! I'm done with hurting her...
"You-"
"You already said plenty of things. I could get over it considering what happened today, but I'm sick and tired of you taking me for granted. You once told me I was your perfect choice. Was that a lie? Or are you regretting choosing me now that I developed feelings for you?"
I'm done, he had to revert his gaze in panic.
But she moves closer and he wants to yield in when she touches him.
"Look at me when I speak to you."
No, I can't!
No more of your kindness, of your warm and generous grip, that makes me regret every fucking thing I did you have to let me go...
He tries hard to resist her and defy her.
"Say something Law, my heart is in the palm of your hand."
His fists clench, and his frown deepens. He yearned to say everything on his mind... That she's a little naive. That he likes that about her. How she makes him want to see the world differently. That he's lost cause who can't get his emotions right, and no matter how hard he tries to look the world through her eyes, he can't forget its ugliness.
She exhales, defeated by his silence. And he hopes she would leave, but she doesn't do so.
"Instead of fighting against Sylvie and trying to clear your name, you choose to what? Kick out all the people who love you from your life and handing that murderer the hospital? Is that all there is to you? Cause I know you are a fighter. How else would you survive?"
Don't falter, he commands to himself. Just remember her face when she's holding a kid, and you can't give her that cause... You are you. A loser who can't deal with his own mind let along start a family and screw up their lives...
"Leave," he finally gathers the courage, to look at her again.
"Wake up, Law!"
She grabs his wrist, and he doesn't struggle as much as he should.
"Cora-san is not a taboo word."
Don't say that... He frowns as if she cut him, getting the required kick to fight out of her grip.
"I may have never met the man, but I sure as hell know he didn't want you to become an emotionless twit whose only enjoyment is playing games with a psychotic woman and fighting over a hospital. For god's sake, Law. Even I can tell he wanted you to learn how to forgive, to get closer to your family, and find love and happiness! Not solitude and this meaningless war with somebody who makes you feel worthless and reminds you of the time you were alone!"
I don't... I don't deserve your love. It revolved in his mind like a broken record. I didn't learn anything despite learning so much.
"Are you done?" He uses the last atom of energy to sell her his most detached look.
"No! Let's say you did what you initially wanted to, humiliate her and destroy her reputation along with the hospital's reputation, how in the world would that make you happy? How would you honor his memory? By being an empty shell who walks around the hospital full of people yet is always alone? I think your means to achieve your life long goal sucks."
I don't deserve your love.
"You done? Leve." He snarls in anguish, losing all the rationality and becoming a monster.
I'm not worthy of being loved by you.
"I don't love you."
Cause if anyone in this dammed world deserves to be loved and to have everything she wants, it's you.
Therefore, I'm releasing you.
The earth shook beneath him, as she walked away broken-hearted, likely cursing the day she met him, and from that point on, everything went dark.
Law lets out an exhausted sigh of disappointment.
He wished things ended at that, but it did not prevent him from stalking her several times; when he was at his limit, but not to reunite with her, simply to feel her presence.
Seeing her face reminded him why he sent her way, and that's how he was able to get to the divorce part.
That time when he nearly broke his foot as he kicked the trash can, after witnessing the scene with Brenton at the cafe, undoubtedly helped to speed things up. And the way he was clasping her hand, and she did not move hers, also helped. To send him to a hellish reality.
His vision wavered anew, and he comes to conclusion there's one thing he's sure of.
He wished he could blame all of his misfortune on somebody else, but the truth was, it was all on him. And now, he had to pay the ultimate price.
The admittance turned up the heat of emotions boiling inside him.
Anger, relief, sadness, despair, and...Longing.
He didn't want to see her.
She was the only one he wished to see.
He opens his eyes to the dimly lit living room, faint noise reaching his ears.
Squinting, he lets out a small moan, shutting his eyelids again. This time, the sound was more audible, pushing him to get up.
His mouth was dry and sticky, the aching in his skull throbbing as he tried to arise from a severe hangover. The urge to throw up was becoming stronger by the second, but it was as he was chained to the sofa.
Get up, you're not about to throw up on yourself, his brain threatened.
He drops to the floor, crawling to the downstairs bathroom, relieved to have reached the toilet. Once he finished the dirty work, he splashes the cold water on his face, still feeling nauseated.
His brain felt like it would burst out of his skull at any given moment, but he was convinced someone is in the house.
Who was it? His parents again? His stomach lurched anew and he can't even make it to the toilet, throwing up in the bathroom sink.
Maybe it's Lami... Trying to nag him how he was a huge dork who will kill himself if he continues to drink his anguish away.
He raised his heavy eyelids halfway, searching for some painkillers, contemplating how to get back to bed.
He didn't care about their opinion. And much less wanted to see them.
Wait a minute... His brain intrudes. They don't have the keys.
What if I didn't lock the door? He makes a few tottering steps, his bare feet touching the cold tiles.
No, I'm pretty sure I locked the door. A thief?
Or the only one who has the keys. He almost loses his balance, reaching out for the wall. I can't avoid her forever... But I don't want her to see me like this.
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Tashigi unlocks the doors to her former home. Darkness engulfs her, sharp smell causing her to breathe through her mouth. She pays no attention to it, focusing on the mission. In her mind, it was simple enough to sneak into his home office and grab the information she needed. What she neglected to take into account was her clumsiness and the fact that she tripped on anything and everything as she faltered in the dark.
Her heart hammered loudly, as she paused after each noise she made, to listen to the signs of Law. It doesn't seem like he's here, she thinks as she grasps the doorknob to his office. Fortunately, it was not locked.
Turning on the lights, she's grateful that the room was tidy enough, and has to suppress a sign of triumph when she finds what she was searching for right off the bat. Things were going smooth, for a change! Luck was finally on her side.
She scribbles the phone number, stuffing it into her purse. As she was returning the things she pulled out of his drawer, she stumbles on some papers.
"Oh." Standing still, she eyed them for a while, challenged with an urge to rip them apart.
He signed it, of course. That stubborn jerk. She scowls at the divorce papers, shoving them back in the drawer.
It was laborious to be reasonable. To put herself into his shoes, when he made things more tedious, not being able to admit he had feelings for her.
For how long?
Tashigi's hands squeezed into fists. He was on the verge of destroying himself, so she will be patient a little longer. If they succeed in dealing with Sylvie, then maybe they can-
"What...Are you doing?"
She roots to the spot. Curses. So much about luck.
"I was just-" The words are cut off when she sees the sad state he put himself into. He had dark, almost black eyebags, face unshaven and sunken, deprived of color. He lost some weight too, grey sweatshirt and faded jeans looking a couple of sizes bigger on him.
He looked like a ghost. And he was barely standing.
He's wasted.
All of her frustration and anger disappeared. She bites into her lower lip to prevent herself from embracing him. He rejected her, and frankly, she was too fragile to listen to his hurtful words.
"Why are you... Digging through my stuff?" He complains, his words slurred.
"I came because... D-Divorce papers." And she curses herself internally, for not being able to say something else... Anything else but the elephant in the room.
"I see." He closes his eyes, leaning onto the wall. "You... Could have just asked." He talks slowly, having trouble with pronunciation.
No... It's a hangover, Tashigi notes. "I couldn't because you are avoiding me."
"Hm." He snorts. "You finally decided to sign them? Was it your boyfriend who convinced you?"
Tashigi pursued her lips. "I don't want to fight." She sighs, making herself walk away, even though it was challenging to make her legs move.
"Aren't you... Forgetting something?"
"What?" The smell of liquor and vomit hits her like a hurricane, as soon as she reached his vicinity.
"The papers. They are..." He closes his eyes again, taking in a deep breath, as he was fighting the urge to throw up. "In... The drawer... You just rummaged through."
"I-I know."
"Did you sign them?"
"No."
He frowned, "Why?"
And she needs to tell him. She needs to, her soul begs. Although she wasn't sure if he will listen, let along stay on his feet for her to finish.
"Um, can I tell you something?"
He rubs his forehead, "I don't see the point..."
"Please, don't give up." She spoke in a delicate voice. "You know better than anyone how life can be unpredictable. How it can crush you and how you can't be protected from that. Solitude won't change it. It will break you further. You have to feel... You need to love... Despite being broken, betrayed, left behind or hurt."
She paused, but he was silent, having troubles standing. Regardless, he seems to have been listening to her.
"I spent all of my excuses for staying with you, I know. Even though you clearly gave me the reasons to walk away, I didn't, because I'm a lovesick clown. You have given me hope, something to hold on, a wonderful lie. If only we've been sincere with how we felt from the beginning...
Maybe we would evolve and develop into something beautiful. Something that would last even when things like these happen. You told me your reasons why I should leave and never go back. I don't accept them. But, I'll listen to you. If you can't see the life with me... Then, I will sign them. I'm sorry."
"For... What?" He was even paler, visibly shaking.
"I... I'm sorry you couldn't see that I was happy by your side."
His eyes pop open, his breathing labored. "You..."
"I know what you want to say, I accepted it. I get it... The main reason you don't want us to be together is cause you don't understand your feelings. You think you will ruin my life, and how I'll resent you for not wanting kids. Law, I know why you don't want children. You're afraid of making them suffer as you and Lami did with your parents working all the time."
"That's... No... I..."
"It's fine, don't worry. As I said, I will sign the papers, if that makes your burden easier. You're a caring man. A man who... Any kid would be lucky to have you as a parent."
"Tashigi..."
"I better be going... Before I go... Do you need me to-?
He ran a hand through his hair before he wordlessly slumped against the wall and slid to the floor.
"Asking help is not a shameful thing to do, remember? Everyone needs help at some point in their life-"
He grimaces. "Fine. Come."
He didn't have to tell her twice. Law psychology has never failed her.
"Hurry... I need to throw up."
She put his hand over her shoulders, trying to go as fast as his body weight allowed her to.
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"Can you stand?"
He nodded, exhausted and half aware of what was about to come.
"Can you take your clothes off, or do you want me to do it?"
He blinked. Hallucinations weren't uncommon in his state. His mind got creative over the days. Slowly raising his head, he peered into her.
"I'm going to help you shower," she says, out of breath, tying her hair into a ponytail. She takes off her shirt, stained by his vomit, revealing the white tank top.
She said it for real? He stumbles backward, afraid of her touch.
"You stink. Stop arguing. I'm not in the mood." Her eyes are fixed on him.
It was all it took.
He obediently starts shedding his clothes, feeling awkward, once he completed the task.
"Come." She looks him in the eyes again, guiding him to the shower. Her cheeks were reddish, and her hands were moist.
"You don't have to-"
She dismisses him, turning on the water.
"I think it's good, try it." The absence of stutter revealed her conviction.
He steps into the shower, breathing deeply, as he fought the curtain of weakness descending over him.
"Easy, don't push yourself," her voice resonated like a pleasant melody, while she held him gently around the waist.
He enjoyed the feel of her smooth skin against him. It was fascinating how such a delicate looking body had this much strength.
She's strong. She always was. Otherwise, she wouldn't be able to handle her burden... The trials of our work and... Me.
She frees him carefully, reaching to take the shampoo. Directing him to duck his head, she started scrubbing it, thoroughly washing his hair.
His brain is sending signals how he stepped into a danger zone.
They can't back to how things used to be. No.
It was dysfunctional and full of land mines. Someone like him...
His fingers were now on his face, washing every inch, including the eyelids.
He attempts to recollect the reasons why getting back together was a bad idea, but his body listened to a different story, doing what it wanted.
He squirms when she moves to his neck and shoulders, but instantly relaxing under her touch. It had just the right amount of pressure, and he takes a risk glancing at her face, water obstructing his view.
Something changed about her. He couldn't quite pinpoint it.
Tashigi's face was paler than he ever recalled it being. Her eyes looked tired. How many tears did those tired eyes shed for him?
Her lips were almost ghostly, lower one emerging and disappearing as she chewed it tensely.
How many times did those lips call his name?
The thoughts swirl around until he gives up, feeling worn out. Tashigi's glasses fogged up with the steam and she takes them off, stuffing them into the pocket of her pants.
Bet she's gonna forget where she put them. His lips curve into an unnoticeable smile, as he continued to observe her.
Her hair was curled on the ends from the humidity, cheeks red contrasting the paleness of her skin, her touch shaky and intrusive at first now a necessity; her hands... her soft hands... hands that healed, saved lives, held him... Her tank top was wet, sticking to her body, as the water splashed, but she barely notices, too immersed into her task.
The sweat mixed with water slid down her temples, down her neck, getting lost in the valley of her bosoms. And he notices.
The necklace around her neck was his gift.
Cradled between her breasts, near her heart, bathing into her warmness, safe and loved. He felt apprehensive over the piece of jewelry.
She grabs his head, placing his forehead on her shoulder.
He swallowed hard, stopping his hand from embracing her. As she soaped his back, he felt certain tranquility radiating through her fingers, mending his body.
The touch of her skin, the smell of her neck reminded him of the words she whispered with her sweet voice.
This torture needs to stop, the thought appeared in the back of his mind, but he was too weak to act. Instead, he imagined himself as a limb infected with gangrene, which needed to be cut out from her life, so she can bloom again, far away from him, on the warm and sunny side.
She tenderly pushes him upright, under the stream of water, hesitating a bit before starting to wash his chest.
He could feel the blood rushing to the surface of his skin, each time her hand touched him. A small moan escapes him.
She studied his reaction, pausing.
"I-I'm fine," he grumbles, trying to keep his cool.
The stillness between them he preferred ends, once she became aware of the next part in need of washing.
"T-T..." She yelps, her eyes accidentally wander to his crotch area, and she instantly looks up, her cheeks taking a deeper shade of crimson.
"C-Can y-you..." She stutters.
How easy would it be to say no... He thought, feeling amused. But her shyness was one of the traits he found entertaining, no matter how many times she saw him naked.
"I think I can," he said it plainly.
"I-I'll be here," she mumbles, not moving away from his arms reach. "In case you feel dizzy," she adds, covering her eyes with her left hand. "You can use me as support."
He bites his cheeks as the laugh threatened to emerge, taking a mental image of her.
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"I hope you remember this next time you drink yourself into this mess," she grumbled, opening a box with her clothes to find something to wear.
"Hm... You did the same to me."
And I'll definitely remember it... He closes his eyes trying to recapture the feel of her against him, her voice and her eyes. Every bit and piece was precious.
He was lying on the bed, in her former room, freshly showered and in clean clothes. Why? Cause their bedroom was an "alcoholic/ waste-disposal pit of despair," she called it.
"So this makes us even? Really, Law..." She mumbled, pulling out a blue shirt and jeans that had seen better days. He knew for a fact they were her lucky jeans. And that over-sized cardigan had a top button missing. She never remembered to sew it on.
Sensing a dangerous familiarity required him to severe it.
"This changes nothing between us." He whispers, avoiding the sight of her changing.
"I know, you are stubborn," she bitterly replied, buttoning her shirt. "But you can't keep going on like this."
He massaged his pale skin, making the corners of his eyes go up and down, out and in. "I need a break from everything."
Once she finished with changing, she sits on the opposite side of the bed, turning her back to him.
"To process everything..." He slipped into quietness, trying to recuperate his process of thoughts.
"Do... Do you hate me?" She looks over her shoulder at him, eyes hard and teary.
"What?" He frowned, trying to lift himself up a bit. "I don't hate you."
I could never hate you.
"Then how do you feel about... Me?" She timidly asked.
Not sure what reply to give her, he picks an answer that was truthful to some point, without giving her hope. "I... I'm not sure. But, it doesn't matter. In the end, I destroy everything of significance, value, and importance in my life."
"That's not true!" She stands up. "If you're talking about me, that's not your fault. You can't make someone fall for you, and I have no regrets for loving you. All I wish for you is to finally be happy."
She marches up to him, taking a seat at his bedside. "There's nobody tougher than you. And forget about stupid stuff like "I destroy anything I touch." Do I look destroyed to you? "
He peered at her, not answering. She looked sleep deprived, on a verge of tears.
Tashigi seemed to pick up on that. "Okay, I am sad, but not destroyed. You gave me the strength to find myself. And... You're a very straightforward and honest person... Your heart is pure."
A bark of laughter escaped him. Pure heart? He? Lack of sleep makes her say absurd things.
"Don't give me that. I know what's hidden behind sarcasm, sharp words and that grumpy attitude." She pouts, closing her eyes. "You need to get a grip and stop licking your wounds. Enough is enough. I can't watch that woman flaunting around like she conquered the world. And I'm sick and tired of you isolating yourself. Let your family help you, you are not alone anymore."
"It's not that simple," he says it louder since she struck a nerve.
"It's not that complicated either." Tashigi scowls, her lips set into a hard line. "You need to figure out what you want. And stop making excuses to push them away... And me."
The anguish from before bubbled in his chest and he couldn't say a word, clenching the sheets beneath him. Damn it. Damn it! Damn it to hell!
How can this woman... This-
He didn't have a name for her. Gritting his teeth, he remembers how he dreamt of her.
And it's been a while since he had a normal, enough to remember, dream.
He dreamt of her face...
Even now when he shuts his eyes he sees it. Not Sylvie, but her.
That face was something he could relate to, almost terrifying. During those years of solitude, all he knew was despair and how to be a tool. He learned so much but he wasn't human. Living with Cora showed him what was it like to be human again. But a nice life like that never lasts...
It was not an excuse, it was a fact.
But... He never felt that sort of intimacy with him or with anyone. She knew all of his secrets, and flaws, still wanting to accept him.
His head starts to pulsate.
It's frustrating! Irritating! How she trespasses his thoughts, and how she became the only bridge he had to the outside world. It's like some sort of out-of-body experience.
"Stop making that face, I can see the vein on your forehead. You're going to get a heart attack." Tashigi sighed. He pays no mind to her, too absorbed in his thoughts. He neglects to notice how she leans forward; only when the sight of her face captured his field of vision, her scent struck his nostrils, bringing the comfort he grew attached to.
Her lips are soft exactly the way he remembers them to be. It's merely a tender caress over his lips, but it's powerful enough to make his heart pump like he got a shot of adrenaline.
She opens her eyes, peering at him and he succumbs, wordlessly admiring them. She didn't wear her glasses...
Her eyes were perfectly beautiful, full of sweetness and majesty. They spoke of a glorious soul who never surrendered.
"I know I'm not pretty," she said one night when he held her.
"Mhm. You are not." He mumbled, pressing her close to him.
"Hey!" She playfully punched his chest. "You don't have to be THAT honest."
"What I meant was, you don't look like everyone else's definition of pretty." He smirked.
She pulled away from him, squinting her eyes. "What are you grinning for, looking all pleased with yourself?"
"Cause you look like mine definition of pretty."
Indeed... She was. That's why he wanted to let her be free.
"As I said, you don't need to do everything alone. You can't continue destroying yourself. Sylvie can't win like this."
He snapped from his thoughts, rubbing his temples. "All I do is think about that bitch..." He lied. "And there's nowhere to go, nowhere left to run. All I have left is to stay here, facing the truth about how everything is my fault. I know why I came back here. I was tired of running away from this, tired of hiding the truth from you, from my family... Tired of not talking about my past, and tired of pretending as nothing bothered me..."
She grasps his hand. "You're still here. The fight is not over yet. Besides, we will help you."
"We?"
"Me and your family. Just... Let us help, please?"
"Tashigi I remain with my decision. I still think we should be apart. This is only going to get worse for you. I don't want to... Hurt you anymore." It was tough to push those words out of him, but he had to.
"If that's what you want..." Her face lits up a tiny bit. "But I'll wait for you. As long as it takes."
And he doesn't know how to respond to that, closing his eyes. "Idiot," he mutters.
"I'll be here until you fall asleep, and then I'll leave, okay?" She doesn't even flinch at his retort. He nodded, not daring to open his eyes, as he welcomes her warmness against him.
"And please, call your family, they been worried sick."
"Fine," he grumbles, ashamed that he would agree to anything she asked of him, as her fingers combed through his damp hair.
"So we're back to square one," Lami said rubbing her temples.
"Yeah, I left a couple of messages and she said not to bother her anymore." Tashigi sighed.
"Bitch."
"Lami!" Celia shouted.
"Well sorry, mom but she is. I mean how can she keep quiet about the poor man who died! That makes her Sylvie's accomplice! And we can't make her step down without evidence..." Lami scowled.
The three women were at Law's parents' home, discussing the recent development of events. A few weeks had passed by since Law tried to drunk himself to oblivion, and the promise she made to him that they will help.
The truth was... They didn't make progress at all. Nurse who wanted to accuse Sylvie, refused to have any contact with them, threatening to report Tashigi to the police for the harassment she was getting. Also, Celia, Lami, and Edric were up to date about the "real face" of Sylvie. It came as a shock, (not that much for Lami), but they accepted it in the end. Edric was furious by her dirty move to frame his son, and discredit their beloved hospital. It lit a fire in him, surprising everyone present, (not Celia though) particularly Tashigi. It was the same kind of flare Law had when he spoke about his career and Cora-san.
"What if I called her and gave her a piece of my mind?" Lami announced through her teeth.
"That would get us nowhere, forget it." Celia's face darkened. "Whatever Sylvie did to make her quiet must have been pretty compelling. I never truly liked the girl!" She put her hands on her hips.
"Oh, shut up mom. You wanted Law to marry her." Lami rolled her eyes.
"That's in the distant past! You helped me too! And thankfully he didn't listen to us, and married his soulmate!"
"Um..." Tashigi tried to stop two women from bickering.
"Who he's in the process of divorcing because he's a pushover." She folded her arms.
"Lami don't speak like that about your brother! He's going through a lot." Celia glared at her daughter.
"Guys," Tashigi said a tad louder.
"Sure, and instead of being with the one he loves, he drives her away making her suffer equally! Law's logic!" Lami yelled, not displaying any sign of fear in front of Celia's mighty glare. "I mean he's genius, but when it comes to real life, he's retarded."
"Lami, enough! I don't want to hear you speak about your brother like that ever again!" Celia's hands shook.
"But it's the truth! I love him too, mom, and I want to see him happy! Trust me, once we solve this, he won't be happy because she will not be there!" Lami pointed towards Tashigi.
"That's not yours to say," Celia spoke in a defeated tone. "I know honey... But some things he needs to sort out without us. We are here as a support, and it's hard for me cause I was told I'm a meddlesome woman." Celia massaged her brow.
"Yeah."
"Hey!"
"You are, but I love you," she gave a weak smile to her mother.
"Is Law okay?" Tashigi dares to intrude. Seeing Lami and Celia sharing the mother-daughter bond, made her think about her mother and the moments they spent together.
For some reason, she would constantly remember how her mother used to tie her apron, patterned with autumn leaves. It was her favorite season. Tashigi liked the rain because of her. The memory would be imbued with the aromas of her fresh baking, and her heart would thump nostalgically at that kind of serenity.
No words could describe how much she missed her. Both of her parents, actually.
"He's fine." Lami suspended her trip down the memory lane. "With kids and all the craziness that comes with them, he doesn't have time to fall into despair." Lami's lips pull into a gratifying smile.
"Caden is learning how to read so, he tries to read all of his favorite stories out loud."
Tashigi couldn't believe Law agreed to stay at his sister's place, during his recuperation. Was it his way of battling the inner darkness?
Either way, it was a surprise, leaving Tashigi hopeful, considering he listened to her words to rely on his family. It also meant she was currently staying at their home. Which was a double-edged sword.
Yes, she was sick of the hotel, and welcomed the familiarity of her former home. Former home... That's it. It was full of memories with... Law. So she was in her own personal limbo just as Law struggled in his.
He seemed to regain some of his confidence and fighting spirit, as he quit drinking and started going on counseling, making an effort to leave the past behind him. She quivered at the thought that she was also the part of that past.
"It's great having him around, I'm practically flourishing, Tashigi." Lami's smile was from ear to ear. "Kids don't misbehave around him, it's like having a perfect nanny!" She responded energetically. "The other day I almost fainted when the three of them made us dinner... I think Galen started to cry."
The memory of the three of them in the kitchen at Law's former apartment sprung in her mind. Her heart is already clamoring at the pain to come, as every memory with Law had little trap doors; moments of bliss being tainted by pain.
Lami's grin vanishes, and she quickly ends her story. "I'm sorry if-"
"It's okay," Tashigi takes in a deep breath. "I'm so glad he's doing fine and gets along with them," she gave her best to smile, even though her heart was mangled.
And she understands... She wished he would rely on her too.
He... Deserves to be happy, even if she wasn't needed. The sentiment was a stab to the already wounded heart. But she chose to stop moping around. Actions always spoke louder than the words.
"It's important to keep his spirits up," Celia added. "Edric and I are working on getting him back into medicine, but it's harder than we thought. This incident scarred him." She took a better look at Celia. Her face was puffy, hidden underneath the makeup.
"You two really didn't speak since then?" Lami's question came all of a sudden.
"No... But things are clearer between us... As Celia said, I don't want to pressure him, and he needs time to think about what he truly wants. I'm... going to wait. No matter what."
That sounded reassuring, Tashigi inwardly ridiculed herself. Truth is you're coward. Waiting for something that is over. A strong person would leave.
But I don't want to! Not yet! No matter how many times her brain said 'walk away,' it always got defeated when the heart said 'love.'
"I would probably walk away." Lami interlopes with her thoughts.
"No, you wouldn't, imagine if it was Galen."
"You're right... But Tashigi..." She walks to her, taking a seat beside her on the sofa. "I wouldn't blame you... Nobody would if you decide to accept Bren's offer to join him abroad. My brother is stubborn... You should follow your dream. Believe me, as someone who kept her dream on a backseat..." Lami's shoulder drop.
She had a point. An unexpected thing happened: one of the doctors that were scheduled to go with Bren pulled out at the last moment and they had a vacancy. It was something she wished since her teenage years, and it would surely help her rediscover the purpose in her life. Her wounds could use a distance and time to heal up...But her mind was made up.
She was prepared to stay with Law until the last second.
"I just... I want to help Law..." She looked at her feet. It was easy to say it, wish it, promise it... It was another thing delivering it. Particularly cause they didn't move from the start.
"Oh, honey," Celia came closer, patting her on the back. "You're so strong... I'm so sorry for harassing you in past months."
"Okay, let's stop being so gloomy, and help that brother of mine who I want to punch sometimes!" Lami sniffed, warding her tears away. "We, the women of Trafalgar household need to put our brains together and defeat that bitch Sylvie for good."
"Lami enough with the B word!"
"But mom!"
She looks just like Law when she frowns, Tashigi's lips turned upwards with the melancholy. Oh, she will miss them. They were the closest thing she had to a family in a long time.
However, it was not the time to feel sorry for herself. After all, everything started with the clause it will end someday. At least she will pick how to finish the contract.
There has to be something I could do... Tashigi stands up, pacing up and down the living room. The voices of the two women started fading, as she put all of her might into focusing.
"Something I can do... Me..."To herself she murmured, shaking her head at the emptiness of her, the air started smelling like him - citrus and mint, and she stays petrified for a minute by the fragrance.
What...? She let out a harsh breath. I'm just tired... She tried to pull out of it, but it took the wheel of her course of thoughts.
"You take everything to heart...You're too sensitive... Honestly... You're so dense."
Okay... That's weird... Tashigi attempted to silence Law's voice inside of her mind. She looks through the window, shoving a lock of her hair away from her face.
Focus...
And she's back to the bathroom; her hands are soaped, air filled with notes of sage and lemongrass. She's scrunching up her eyes a little, the steam of the water only adding to embarrassment.
He's standing in front of her awkwardly, naked in so many ways.
Ah... Not that... She feels the redness in her cheeks like it happened yesterday.
His body is weak, and he doesn't try to hide it. As she washed his back, she could feel his breath next to her ear.
Nope… Not gonna remember that… She presses her lips into a tight line. Okay, something I could do to help out…
But her mind worked against her, unleashing more memories.
The day he told her his true thoughts for the first time...
"Don't get rid of your traits and try to be somebody else..."
Stop.
The day he kissed her when she felt his feelings.
"You're nice... And annoying... You should be kept in the dark... I knew all that, but you always surprise me."
Stop it!
And the day when he broke her.
"The obstacle I never considered to add to my calculations..."
Why the heck am I thinking about what he said?! She undid her ponytail and shook out her hair.
"Tashigi are you okay?" Both of the women stopped with their frivolous argument gazing in her direction.
Tashigi did not hear them.
"The obstacle I never considered to add to my calculations..." Those bitter words, true or not, were engraved into her brain. After repeating them a few times, her brows furrow with realization.
Feelings aside… His words had some strange advice.
I'm not added to calculations. Tashigi bites the nail on her thumb. Me. The obstacle.
So, if Law didn't add me to his calculations, maybe Sylvie didn't add me to hers? She focused on Law all the time, always regarding me as some naive pawn who did whatever Law told it to.
I am gravely underestimated. That could be her only advantage.
She takes in a deep breath. "Guys!" Both women jolted at the rise of her voice.
"Um... Sorry about that... I have an idea."
What is courage? Is it the absence of fear? Or is it when you are fed up with anxiety and concern that are tying you up, finally deciding to take a stand?
Perhaps, every person has a distinct meaning of courage; for her it was him.
That was quite a journey, she thought to herself that morning. He showed her so much; cruel reality and the things her heart was capable of. It took her so long to slip through the cracks in his impenetrable wall, and finally, see the man she always knew was there.
It was time to show him he was not alone. That he can rely on other people. And that he can forgive himself.
Tashigi checks her phone one more time, setting it straight on the table.
Okay... here we go.
She sat at the same coffee shop, where she met Bren in the past, but her companion for that morning was none other than...
"I was dying out of curiosity when you called me," Sylvie took off her sunglasses, even though there was no sun. "What could you possibly want to talk about with me?" She sat across her, smirking.
"I'm leaving," Tashigi said, keeping her voice as steady and cool as she could, trying to copy Law.
"Oh, wow." Her grin widened. "What a great decision! It took you an annoying amount of time, but you're not as stupid as I thought." She rummaged through her bag, pulling out her cell phone. "So, why did you call me? Because of bureaucratic things in the hospital?" She was texting not even looking at her. "Don't worry your pretty little head about it, I'll even throw in a letter of recommendation."
"No thanks, that won't be necessary." Tashigi gripped her cup of coffee tighter.
"Then, what do you want," Sylvie frowned, putting the phone back into her purse. "I'm losing interest."
Okay, Tashigi, just calm down. Don't mess this up.
"Before I go... Would you mind answering me something?"
Sylvie looked at her uncomfortably long, as if she was trying to read her mind. Tashigi was sweating bullets while trying to remain calm.
"Fine." She sighs, closing her eyes. "What do you want to know?"
I want to know why are you acting like a B word Celia banned from using.
"Why do you want to hurt Law so much? Has love made you resort to any means necessary, even making him miserable? Destroying his career?"
She vigorously tried not to let her voice fluctuate out of pain and anger she felt towards the woman in front of her.
The woman looks at her for a few moments more, before she bursts into laughter. "You... You're so stupid," she shook her head. "Love? Don't joke like that."
Tashigi scowled. Just when she thought she couldn't be more disgusted with her...
"He's mine. And he forgot that. Now he will spend every minute regretting he made a fool out of me, once I destroy everything he worked for."
It took her a full minute to realize the gravity of her words. "You can't mean!?"
"Precisely. Now that I destroyed him, I'll destroy the hospital too. My plan is already halfway through. By the time dimwits in administration realize it will be too late, so Law's only choice will be to beg me to help him." She propped her chin on her hand, observing Tashigi with entertainment.
Tashigi swallows her anger, fire burning inside her belly. Not yet... Not yet...
"I could never understand you, Sylvie. You have so much. You're smart and beautiful, yet you behave like a mad woman." She shivered but kept going. "You don't care if you destroy something his family worked hard to build, something your father also-"
"Oh, please... Stop, Miss Saint." The woman rolled her eyes. "You don't understand a thing. So what if the hospital fails, my father will find something else to pique his interest."
"But what about Law and his family?"
"That will be the appropriate punishment for the humiliation they gave me years ago." A grin spread over her face, showing her over-whitened teeth.
Tashigi's knuckles were white from clenching her fist too hard, and her gritted teeth couldn't hold her words. "Just because he said no to engagement? Get over yourself!"
"Spare me the talk, okay? You are boring, goody two shoes. And I can't stand people like you."
"What a coincidence, I'm disgusted by people like you." The words were spat out before she could think.
"Right, so is that it?" She stood up.
Oh no! Tashigi panicked. She takes in a deep breath, permitting her emotions to go on a rampage.
"How did you do it," she mutters, on the verge of tears.
"Do what?" The woman sat again, attracted by her misfortune.
"How did you manage to set him up? To cover the things you did... Murdering that man and your tremor... Just how...?" Tashigi sniffed, tears rolling down her cheeks.
"Hmpf, like I would tell you that." She gloated.
Tashigi cried harder.
"You know what? Since you entertained me, I'm gonna enlighten you." Sylvie mocked her, enjoying the torture.
"First off, my tremor is not that bad, that man just... He... It was an accident. Not my fault. All I did after that was making sure not to have a speck on my career you know? I needed to, since I had a reputation to maintain, and it's not like I didn't give the family of that man a huge sum of money." She talked with a lax tone. "Lesson number one, money buys everything no matter what people say. See how that nurse gave up on helping Law? Money. She found an imposing sum of money on her bank account and now she's singing a different tune. Her child is at prestige school. I don't need to use intimidation. I'm not that bad, you see?"
Tashigi clenched her fists, sinking her nails into her flesh, but still spilling the tears. Now more than ever she wanted to look as pathetic and miserable as she felt all this time.
"How did I find out? That nurse called me to ask for money, that's how. I must admit I forgot how crafty and sly Law could be, but he hesitated and that's what buried him." She rummaged through her purse in search of something. "I suppose he should thank you for that." She took out a small quilted bag with a zip top.
"Setting him up was easy, really. I had it as a backup plan for months. All I had to do is to approach one of Law's patients who would do anything for money..." She paused, opening it up.
"Faking evidence... Can't really call it fake now, can I?" She snickered, pulling out a miniature mirror from what appeared to be a makeup bag. "That's cause that guy accepted to be opened up, get the wrong surgery, and endanger his life for money!" She laughs again, returning to checking out her teeth in the mirror. "Isn't it hilarious how people can sell even their health for money? The doc who helped him is real, so is the lawyer..." She didn't refrain from a huge smirk, as she applied a coat of lip gloss. "Things didn't need to go further. The investigation was canceled. I convinced my father and everyone that Law had it rough in past months, and that he was losing it cause he was overworked." Sylvie applied an extra layer of rosy lip gloss, smacking her lips together in the mirror. "They drink it like water. So, that covers everything?"
Tashigi couldn't move, under the weight of revulsion she felt. Sylvie was clearly ill, and in need of treatment, pronto. As in straitjacket and heavy medications.
"Speechless by my brilliance? Can't blame you." By the time Tashigi focused back on her, the makeup was gone and the creepy woman was holding a checkbook. "Since you've been such a good listener, I will even throw some money for your humanitarian mission." She scribbles something. "Forget about all of this, little girl, and run with that guy of yours, have a dull life together." She throws the piece of paper her way.
Tashigi doesn't even bother to look at it. She picks up her cell phone from the table, pushing it into her bag.
"You're done." She stands up, wiping her wet face.
"What? Having a mental breakdown?" She asked, grinning.
"No, but you will." Tashigi proceeded towards the exit, leaving her with a perplexed stare.
Wooh that was long. Sorry to leave you hanging, but I had to stop here since this chapter is really long. I feel like the next chapter might be the ending. We shall see. Till next time, leave me your thoughts, even if it's a word or two. I don't mind, gives me the boost :) Hugs!
*yes, Lami didn't change her last name when she married.