Disclaimer: I don't own Fastlane or its characters.
"Yes, my wife is in labor." Van told the woman behind the desk. "And what is your wife's name?" The nurse asked. "Wilhelmina Chambers." Van answered. He had to stifle a snicker when the woman cringed at Billie's name. "She hates it too. Call her Billie." Van told her quietly. The woman smiled and nodded. "Here, just have her fill those out and bring them back up here when you're done." She said, handing Van a clipboard. Just then, Van heard Billie groan as another contraction hit her. The nurse looked in the direction of the noise and saw Billie. "Actually, you might want to fill those out for her. She doesn't look like she's in the mood to write. When you're done, just bring up her insurance card with the papers and we'll get her upstairs as soon as we can." The nurse, named Gloria, told Van with a smile at him and then smiled at Billie. Van took the clipboard and took a seat next to his laboring wife.
"You doing okay?" Van asked as he sat down and began to fill out the form. Billie turned and glared at her husband before she spoke. "Oh I'm fine. No pain at all!" she snapped. Van rolled his eyes at her. "Hey, I was just asking. No need to be smart." He shot back. "Bitch." Van muttered under his breath as he continued to fill in her information. "I'm in labor. I think it would be a safe assumption for you to make that I'm not doing okay." Billie retorted. "Jackass." She muttered under her breath in response to his name calling.
Twenty minutes later…"Billie." Gloria called as Billie looked up from her pouting. Van quickly tossed his magazine on the table, grateful for a way to get away from Billie's childish behavior, and stood up. Billie looked up at him and just waited. After a moment, Van let out a deep sigh and pulled his wife to her feet. He knew she could get up by herself, she did it while he was at work, but she never bothered to even attempt it when he was around to expend the energy for her. "Come on, Sassy. Let's get that thing out of you so I can have my wife back." Van grumbled as he grabbed her hand and led her to the doorway where the nurse was. "Me too, Sparky, me too." Billie responded with a smile as they walked through the doorway to the elevator. While in the elevator, on the way up to the fourth floor labor and delivery unit, Van played with Billie's hair. He usually did this when he wanted to strangle her but couldn't because of witnesses, or, in this case being in a hospital with resuscitating equipment.
Gloria led them down to the last room on the right. They walked in and Billie was instructed to change into the hospital gown on the bed. While Billie was gone, Van looked around the sparse room, putting things away. "Van" the nurse said as she turned back the bed. "Yeah?" Van responded and turned around to face the woman. "She's in labor. She already wants to kill you for doing this to her. Don't give her a reason to move from wanting to kill you into explaining the dead body to the police. Okay?" She said, just as Billie walked back into the room dressed in a hospital gown and fuzzy purple socks. "Yeah, okay." Van said before Billie was back in ear shot.
"Lay down so I can hook you up and check the baby's heartbeat." The nurse instructed Billie as she motioned to the bed. She hooked Billie up to a monitor that checked the baby's heartbeat and left the room. "Dr. Robins will be in shortly to examine you." She told Billie. When she and Van were alone, Billie finally spoke, "We still don't know what to name a girl. If we don't get a name soon, we'll have to put B.G. Ray on her birth certificate and our child will have to explain that her whole life." Billie said with those 'poor neglected puppy' eyes Van so hated to see. "If we have to put that on her certificate, we will. We can always change it later, honey." Van said, desperately hoping she wouldn't cry. No such luck. "Do we really want her to explain to teachers, people at the DMV, social security and college admissions that her parents didn't love her enough to give her a real name? And what about when she gets married? What will she tell the priest? Or her in laws! What will they think of us!" Billie shrieked as she began to sob uncontrollably. Van just stared at his wife. She looked harmless. But she wasn't. She was a horrible, snarly, vile, manipulative, little creature. And he loved her anyway. "Crying is blackmail, Billie." Van said coolly, hoping she would calm down so he didn't have to tell Dr. Vickie why she was so hysterical. "I don't care! Our child doesn't have a name! This baby is the only thing that matters right now and I can't even tell her what her name is when she's born! I'm a horrible mother!" Billie screamed, getting even more upset, if that was even possible. "I wonder if jumping out the window would kill me, or if I'd end up in a wheelchair for her to take revenge on later." Van thought as he glanced at the window and rubbed Billie's back to calm her down.
"Van?" Billie's voice intruded into his thoughts. "Huh?" Van asked, not really paying attention to her yet. For her part, Billie knew Van wasn't listening to what she was saying. "The name Van. Do you like it?" Billie asked innocently as she looked lovingly at her husband. Van didn't notice the undertones of demonic possession in her eyes that would come out if he said he did like it. "I'm sorry Sassy, what was the name?" Van asked. "Brumhilda" Billie said, barely able to get such a horrible name out of her mouth without choking on the word. "That's a nice name. Whatever you want to call her I'm sure will be wonderful, baby." Van mindlessly answered, looking out the window. "Donovan!" Billie yelled at him, a contraction taking over her body before she could properly rip his head off. A full minute later, Billie continued to lay into him as if she hadn't ever stopped. "How the hell can you say you like that name! It's hideous! I don't even like it! We might as well name her Wilhelmina Jr. if you like such hideous names!" Billie yelled her eyes blazing at her husband. "Whoa, shades of Linda Blair!" Van said backing up from the bed. "Van! Don't you dare think for one minute that I won't throw you out the window!" Billie threatened. No sooner did she get the words out of her mouth than there was a knock at the door.
"I'm not interrupting anything, am I?" Dr. Vickie asked as she poked her head into the door. "Come in! Interrupt! Save me! Please!" Van answered as he quickly got away from Billie so she couldn't kill him for saying that. "Van, she's in labor. Comments like that will get you broken bones." The doctor told the soon-to-be-father. "Hi Billie." She said and leaned down to give her patient a hug. "Hi." Billie said as she hugged the doctor back. "Okay, it looks like you're having regular contractions. How do you feel?" The Dr. asked. "I feel like my body is trying to turn itself inside out." Billie answered calmly. "How come you can be so nice to her but so bitchy to me when I ask that question?" Van asked defensively. "Because she didn't get me pregnant in the first place, ass wipe!" she snapped at her husband. "Children! Please!" Dr. Robins finally interjected into the squabble. "There will be plenty of time to nit pick at each other once the baby is here. Right now, let's just focus on Billie and what is happening. Okay?" she said looking from one to the other. Billie sat in the bed defiantly and Van just stared at her, every bit as defiant as she was. "I'm waiting." The doctor finally said after almost half a minute of silence. "Okay." The couple grumbled their agreement. "Good. Let's see how far along you are now Billie." She said with a smile.
"Well, it looks like you are 5 centimeters and fully effaced. You're water did break this time. You should have a baby sometime today. What a Mother's Day present, huh?" The doctor said as she finished the exam and looked back at the clock. "Oh! It is isn't it?" Billie said, noting that the time was 12:10am on May 14th. "Van, did you get me anything?" Billie asked sweetly. "I sure did baby!" Van answered with a broad smile on his face. "What is it?" She asked. "Pregnant." He answered, knowing his wife would be more than just a little pissed. "What!" She snapped. "I got you pregnant." Van repeated again, the smile still on his face. "They're both gonna need drugs after this. Van, Morphine for the pain, and Billie, a tranquilizer to calm down." Dr. Robins thought as she watched to see what Billie was going to do to her husband. "What!" Billie shrieked again. "I married you, you stupid prick and all you can give me for my first mothers day is, 'I got you pregnant'!" She squealed and picked up the cell phone on the table next to her. She hurled the small silver item as hard as she could, hitting Van squarely in the head. "I ought to castrate you with an olive fork for that!" Billie yelled. The phone connected firmly with Van's head in a loud 'whack'.
6lbs and 9oz. lookin' up at me
Like I have all
the answers
I hope I have the ones you need
I've never really
done this, now I know what scared is
"Owe! Shit, I was just kidding Billie. I got you something! You'll get it when you pop out Linda Blair Jr." Van snapped at her as he pressed his hand against his forehead. "Van" Billie growled at his statement. Dr. Robins thought this was as good a time as any to step in. "Okay, let me look at that Van." She said with a chuckle as she attempted to compose herself. "That's gonna leave a mark." She laughed as she looked at the lump on his head. "Funny." Van seethed as he looked back at the bed to Billie who was grinning widely. "I'll have the nurse bring in some ice for that Van. I'll be back in a couple hours." She told the pair as she walked out the door. Before the large wood panel was closed behind her, she turned and looked at Billie. "Billie, get some drugs. Lots of drugs." She snickered and walked to the nurses desk.
Sometimes I'll protect you from everything that's
wrong
Other times I'll let you just find out on your own
But
that's when you'll be growin',
And the whole time I'll be knowin
A knock came at the door. "Yeah." Van answered, not moving from the spot on the bed where he was sitting, holding Billie's hand while she 'breathed' through another contraction. "You are never touching me again, you miserable son of a bitch!" Was the first thing Deaq heard Billie say as he opened the door. "Well, I'm glad to see she's not taking this out on you, Van." Deaq chuckled as he walked in the door. "Smart ass." Van said dryly to his "partner". "Hi Billie." Deaq said to the laboring demon….er, woman in the bed. For her part, Billie mustered a pathetic smile for him. "Deaq, why don't you sit for a bit, help her through a contraction or two while I get myself some coffee and her some more water." Van said as he got up and showed Deaq to a chair. "Sure." Deaq replied as he pulled a chair up to Billie's bedside and sat down. "Her contractions are about every 2 minutes." Van said and headed out of the room. "It won't be much longer, Billie. Then you'll have a pint sized, un-potty trained Van to contend with as well as your husband." Deaq said in a weak attempt to make her smile. It worked. The smile only lasted a minute though, since another contraction built itself up. Billie's face twisted in agony as she tried desperately not to scream. "Oh, here. Squeeze my hand." Deaq said as he gave her his hand to grab on to. Billie looked at it for a minute and made no attempt to grab it. "It's okay. You're not gonna break it." Deaq said. "If you insist you idiot." She thought and grabbed his hand, squeezing as the intensity of the contraction built in her body.
You're gonna fly with every dream you chase
You're
gonna cry, but know that that's okay
Sometimes life's not fair,
but if you hang in there
You're gonna see that sometimes bad is
good
We just have to believe things work out like they should
Life
has no guarantees, but always loved by me
You're gonna be
At about that time, Van returned with two cups of coffee and a nurse carrying the water pitcher. When the nurse opened the door, the first thing Van heard was a blood curdling scream of pain. "She's never letting you touch her again, if she's hurting THAT much." The nurse, Allison said to Van as they walked into the room. Van stopped and stared as he took stock of the image before him. Billie was sitting in the bed laughing, her face was dampened with sweat, but she was laughing. He followed her gaze downward and it was only then that he noticed, Deaq on the floor, holding his hand and screaming. "My hand! It's broke! She broke my fucking hand! Oh my god! Kill me! Kill me now!" He yelled as he clutched the hand she'd squeezed. "Any contractions while I was gone, dear?" Van asked his wife, as if he hadn't even seen Deaq writhing on the floor. "A small one." Billie replied with a chuckle as Van handed her a cup of water to drink. "Small! A small one! You're crazy!" Deaq shot in her direction as he got in the chair again. "You noticed! I'm touched!" She sarcastically replied. "You tried to kill me you miserable…" Deaq started. "She's in labor, cut her some slack will ya?" Van interrupted before Deaq would have to suffer the consequences of the name he was about to call her.
I'm afraid you'll have to suffer through
some
of my mistakes
Lord knows I'll be trying OH to give you what it
takes
What it takes to know the difference
Between getting by
and livin'
Another knock sounded at the door. "Come in!" Billie sang happily while giving Deaq a wide, patronizing smile. The door opened and Captain Parish walked in, followed by Ruby. "Hey sweetie. How ya feeling?" Ruby asked as she leaned down and gave Billie a hug when she came into the room. "I'm okay. It's not as bad as I thought it would be." She said as she shot Van a smile, prompting him to laugh. "What happened to your hand Deaq?" Bob asked when he saw that he obviously had given it to Billie to squeeze during a contraction. "She tried to kill me. You need to arrest her for assault with a deadly weapon." He replied pointedly. "She's in labor, I couldn't arrest her for murder right now. It would be under temporary insanity." The captain said as Billie groaned with another contraction. "Van." She said a full two minute later when the pain subsided. "Yes?" he replied. "You love me and would do anything for me right?" She prodded. "Within reason, I would." He told his wife, wondering what she was getting at. "Grab that pillow over there will you?" She asked pointing to the corner. Van picked up the pillow and walked back over to her. "Okay, now what?" he said. "Kill me." Billie instructed. "Honey, I won't kill you. But I will get the nurse if you want something for pain." Van said as he brushed her hair away from her flushed face.
Cause anything worth doing is worth doing all the
way
Just know you'll have to live with all
the choices that you
make
So make sure you're always givin' way
more than you're
takin'
Just then, Allison came back in the room. "Billie, the doctor wants us to check you know." She said. "Okay, we're gonna be out in the waiting room." Ruby said, still chuckling from the hilarity of Billie's request to her husband. "I'm gonna go with them." Deaq said, slowly as he tried not to laugh at the pain Billie was obviously in. It wasn't funny. Really, it wasn't. But it was…in a way. When the three had exited the room, Allison checked to see the progress Billie had made. "Okay, it looks like your about 8 centimeters now." She said. With those words, Billie burst into tears. "Oh sweetie, what's the matter?" the pregnant nurse asked. "It's never coming out!" Billie wailed as Van sat on the bed and pulled her into his arms and kissed her head to soothe her somewhat. "It's gonna come out. You're almost there! Just look, you've made it three centimeters since you've been here. That's good!" She encouraged her hysterical patient. "I've been pregnant forever and I've had contractions for days!" Billie continued to wail. "She's overdue and has been having not productive contractions for about a week now." Van filled in when he saw the puzzled look on the woman's face. "Oh sweetie. Do you want anything?" she asked as Billie calmed down. "Drugs. Lots of drugs. I want to be higher than Cheech and Chong at a Rolling Stones concert." Billie blurted out. "Okay." She said and quickly exited the room to get the drugs before Billie could see her laugh. For his part, Van released Billie and walked, quickly into the bathroom. He closed the door behind him and turned on the faucet just as his laughter bubbled over and he crumpled to the floor, in hysterics. A couple minutes later, Van walked out of the small room, having regained his composure somewhat. He walked back just in time to see the nurse giving Billie some Demerol for the pain. "Why are you crying?" Billie asked, seeing the tears in his eyes. She knew the answer already, but wanted to see if he'd say it. "I'm just so happy we're finally having the baby!" Van said, his composure slowly giving way again. "Van, you're so full of shit." Billie said with a smile as the drug started to enter her system and Van finally gave way to laughter again.
You're gonna fly with every dream you chase
You're
gonna cry, but know that that's okay
Sometimes life's not fair,
but if you hang in there
You're gonna see that sometimes bad is
good
We just have to believe things work out like they should
Life
has no guarantees, but always loved by me
You're gonna be
"Okay, Billie it looks like your ready to push now." Dr. Robins said. "I can't. Too tired." Billie said. "You can sleep all you want after this is over. The more you push, the sooner the baby will be out and you can rest while we're cleaning her up in the nursery." Allison slyly bribed. "Okay, fine. But after this, I'm sleeping. Got it?" Billie snapped. "Fine. Now, push!" The doctor ordered. Billie pushed. "Okay, good! Keep going! 1,2,3…" Van encouraged as he kept count of how long she was pushing. "Count faster dammit!" Billie snapped as she collapsed back on the bed. She's been pushing for forty five minutes and she was tired. "Billie, the head is right here. One more push and you'll be almost there." The doctor said. "No. I can't. It's too hard." Billie practically begged. "You can't do it? The woman I married, didn't have those words in her vocabulary. What happened to her?" Van said, hoping to piss her off enough to make her push. "The woman you married has been in labor for over 9 hours is what happened!" Billie snapped instead of pushing like Van had hoped she would. "Well, the head is right here, Billie. I could probably just do an episiotomy and pull the baby out with forceps so you don't have to push." Dr. Robins said, knowing that would get her to push. At the words episiotomy and forceps, Billie conceded. "Fine. One more, but that's it." Billie said and readied herself to push. "Well, maybe two more." The doctor said. "Whatever." Billie grumbled and pushed again. "Okay, stop pushing Billie." The doctor said. She stuck her fingers under where the cord was loosely wrapped around the baby's neck and unwrapped it before giving her patient the okay to deliver fully. "Okay, Billie, I want you to push once more and reach down and help pull the baby out okay?" Dr. Robins said. Billie nodded and pushed. She reached her hands down and with one final shriek of pain, wrapped her hands around a slippery body and pulled it onto her chest.
Someone's everything
You're gonna see
Just
what you are to me
"Oh my god." She panted as she looked in awe at her child for the first time. "It's beautiful!" Van said as he choked back tears. As the nurse and Billie dried the baby off, the first cry was heard. With that, Van and Billie both started to cry. "What is it?" Billie asked as she looked at her husband. Van lifted the blanket off the slippery little baby and looked. "It's a girl! We have a beautiful baby girl!" he happily announced. "I knew it!" Billie sobbed happily. Van kissed her forehead. "You did so good." He said. "Van, would you like to cut the cord?" The doctor asked as she held a pair of scissors to him. Van took the scissors and cut the cord in his first act as a father. With that, Van and Billie's roles as parents had begun.
You're gonna fly with every dream you chase
We
just have to believe things work out like they should
Life has no
guarantees, but always loved by me
You're gonna be
Always loved
by me
Well, that's it! They have a baby! Sorry the update took so long. Hope you all enjoy! The music is Reba McEntire "You're Gonna Be" Anyone that has seen the video or has a child, knows why I picked it for this.
DKM: Yes, it looks like the fatherly advice has paid off, huh? She had a baby and Van is still alive! What more could he want? I hope you liked the Cheech and Chong reference!
Simbagirl: I hope you like this! Nice way for Van to handle this huh? He could almost pass for a real adult now! Haha