On Wednesday evening, Sebastian found himself hovering outside the main hall of the community building on campus. The meeting started at 5:30. It was currently 5:23 and a few people had already passed him to enter the hall, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't muster the courage to push the door open and step inside.
His conversation with Alex swam in his head. Logically, he knew that Alex was right. It probably would be easier to speak to a group of strangers than it had been with his friends. At least they had similar experiences and would know what he was going through.
The thing that was stopping him though, was that by doing this - by taking this step - he was admitting it was real. He knew that was stupid; he already knew it was real...but it felt like this would officially label him.
"Sebastian?"
Sebastian started and spun around. A tall man with black hair was walking towards him. His eyes were green and had a hint of kohl around them. He was looking at him curiously. "Are you..." he nodded at the door. "Are you coming to group?"
Sebastian felt cold sweat creep down his back and his breath caught in his throat. No, he thought. This is wrong...I'm not suppose to know anyone...it's supposed to be anonymous.
"Elliott! Umm...I..." he stammered.
Elliott saw the look on his face and took a little step back, offering him space. "I'm sorry," he said. "It's just...I thought you might be waiting for someone. Um, we're about to start. Do you want to come in?"
Sebastian swallowed. Maybe Elliott was leading the group? Frantically, he tried to remember what Elliott had said he was studying at NYU. His mind came up blank. He only remembered that Elliott had made it clear that his passion was in music, but everyone needed to pay rent, so maybe this was Elliott's day job.
Surely this hadn't happened to Elliott too.
Sebastian took a deep breath and nodded.
Elliott pulled the door open and allowed Sebastian to walk in front of him.
Sebastian looked around the room. It had a high domed ceiling with a large spherical light hanging down from the middle. The bulletin boards on the walls had a variety of flyers pinned to them; other support groups, health information pamphlets and diagrams.
There was a circle of chairs in the middle of the room. A couple of people were already sitting down and Sebastian and Elliott took seats together. Sebastian wasn't sure he wanted to, but it seemed rude to take the seat furthest away from him, and Elliott had recognised him already anyway, so there was no point in pretending. This was it. Now it was official.
"So um, how many people are you expecting?" Sebastian asked Elliott, glancing at the empty chairs.
"Oh, we're usually about ten to fifteen, give or take," Elliott replied. He nodded at someone who walked in after them.
It was strange how normal everything seemed. There were men of various ages. They were talking among themselves or playing with their phones. A few were getting themselves a coffee at a table by the wall where a small buffet was laid out. It seemed they could have been waiting for anything; the bus, a dental check up, a parent-teacher night...or a support group for male survivors of sexual abuse.
A woman with short-cropped grey hair, glasses and a well-cut white pant suit walked in, carrying a clipboard. Upon seeing her, the men at the buffet went to find their seats.
"Gentlemen," she greeted them, smiling warmly. "I hope you all had a good summer. Welcome back - and welcome to some new faces as well. Hello! My name is Jamie, I am 64 years old, and I am a licenced social therapist."
Sebastian felt his heart sink. He looked at Elliott with wide eyes. He couldn't help it; suddenly scenarios flashed before his eyes as he tried to comprehend how someone as tall and intimidating as Elliott could have gone through anything like he had.
Elliott looked to Sebastian from the side and offered him an encouraging little smile.
Jamie continued. "We're here tonight to help each other, share stories, listen, and chat. As always, I would like to remind you that everything you tell us here falls under a strict patient-doctor confidence, and your contributions are completely voluntary. If you are just here to listen, that's okay."
Sebastian let out a soft breath.
"However," Jamie added, "whenever there's someone new in the group, we do start off our sessions with introductions. Nothing major, just...tell us your first name, maybe your age, or where you're from. For our organisation I would like to know how you found us," she held up her clipboard, "but you can also tell me that after the group."
She looked around the group.
"Andy," she said in a warm voice. "Why don't you kick it off for us."
The man to her left stood up and offered the group a small smile and a wave. "Hi, I'm Andy. I'm 53 years old, originally from Rhode Island and I'm a bus driver."
"Thank you, Andy," Jamie said as he sat back down. She nodded at the man next to him..
Slowly, each man in the group stood up and introduced himself. Some divulged a little information about why they were there, and some just stated their name and age.
It was a little overwhelming, but it also settled Sebastian a bit. Seeing so many others made him feel not quite so alone.
Finally, the round of introductions reached them. Elliott stood up.
"Hiiii!" he said, smiling. "My name is Elliott Gilbert, I'm from New Jersey. I'm a student and a musician, I am 23 years old...what else, what else…" He pretended to think, tapping a finger to his lips. "My favourite colour is emerald, I'm a virgo, and I'm gay. Oh! And I like curry." He sat down with a flourish.
A few men in the group chuckled a little. Somehow, the atmosphere had changed, and Sebastian felt a little lighter than before. He rose to his feet.
"Hi, I'm Sebastian, I'm 21, I'm originally from France and I'm currently studying English and History at NYU." He glanced at Elliott, who was smiling at him. "Uh...and I really like blue cheese," he added on a whim.
Elliott's eyes sparkled.
Sebastian sat back down. The faces that met him offered open and sympathetic looks. He wasn't the youngest or the oldest man there. He didn't think they were all gay; apart from Elliott, only two others gave him the feeling they might be. Not that it mattered. None of them had said anything or made a face when Elliott came out to them so casually. And, Sebastian figured, now that they were here, they were all kind of the same.
Jamie looked around the circle. "Thank you, and welcome again to our new members. I am glad you are here, and I hope you will feel at home with us. Now, and this is for all of you: is there anything anyone needs help with this week?"
An elderly man raised his hand, and after getting the go-ahead from Jamie, started into a rather long-winded narrative about his family; apparently, with the holidays coming up, he was worried about interacting with siblings, who treated him like he was senile.
Sebastian felt bad for him, but at the same time, felt too agitated to connect to his story. He didn't have any siblings, was about forty years younger, and had different problems on his mind. The holidays were over a month away - he was more worried about getting through the week.
Jamie offered some advice and mentioned a relaxing exercise, but her words meant nothing to Sebastian. He thought about his talk with Alex, and wondered if she'd be teaching them to meditate next.
Another man shared something about his workplace, and again, Sebastian couldn't help but let his mind wander. He kept looking at the men in the circle, wondering what had happened to them and when, how they lived their lives - how they had moved on. Would any of them have anything to say that could actually help him, or was he just wasting his time?
"Anyone else?" Jamie asked.
It was quiet for a moment, as eyes were averted and feet shuffled. A man who had introduced himself as Akeem raised his hand.
Jamie nodded and motioned for him to go ahead.
Akeem smiled a little shyly. "Well, I have a new girlfriend," he started, and several men broke out in a smile and mumbled approval and congratulations. Sebastian forced a smile.
Akeem held up his hand to let them know it wasn't just an announcement. "The thing is, she's great and all, and we've gone on a couple of dates...but last week she kind of started hinting that she wanted us to have sex." He paused.
"I told her about my past on our first date." He shrugged, and Jamie held up her hand to stop others from interrupting. Akeem nodded at her. "I know we talked about how I didn't have to, but I just wanted to get it over with and see if she was still interested - and she was. She still is. Only…" He broke off.
"I don't know if I can. I'm not even sure I want to. And I don't know how I'm supposed to - I mean, she's so beautiful and sexy, and I want to make her happy, but the thought of us…" He shook his head.
Sebastian sucked in a breath as he listened to Akeem talk. It was like listening to his own thoughts.
"I know what you mean," a man named Cole said quietly. He was one of the two that had silently pinged on Sebastian's radar. "My friends keep trying to push me into dating again...but I just can't ...The last guy that I tried to date put his arm around me in the movie theatre and I jumped so high it felt like I'd left my body behind."
Sebastian shuffled uncomfortably. It all sounded far too familiar.
Out of the corner of her eye, Jamie noticed Sebastian's discomfort and turned to face him. "Is this something you can relate to, Sebastian?" she asked carefully.
Sebastian licked his lips and sucked the bottom one between his teeth. He nodded nervously.
"My best friend hugged me goodbye the other day, and it took every ounce of strength I had to not flinch or throw up…"
"I hate that," a man called Kyle said. "I actually did throw up once. I bumped into someone I'd not seen in years and he...he was never the smallest of people. And he grabbed me up in a big bear hug and I almost fainted. I threw up all over his shirt…"
Sebastian nodded. "I'm okay-ish with physical contact, if I am the one initiating it...but that's just holding hands with my boyfriend or sitting and cuddling on the sofa...th-the thought of sex…"
"Makes you want to peel your skin off?" Elliott offered, scrunching up his nose in an expression that was uncannily close to Kurt's.
"Yes!" Sebastian said. "Which...if any of you knew me before…" he shook his head. "I loved sex, I miss sex. I miss having that connection with my boyfriend that is just ours...but...I can't…"
"Is your boyfriend pressuring you?" Jamie pushed gently.
Sebastian could see Elliott shift in his seat.
"No! No not at all!" he said quickly. The last thing he wanted was for Elliott to think Kurt was hurting him. "He's been amazingly supportive. He always lets me lead the situation and has gotten really good at reading cues that I don't even notice myself. He doesn't try anything, or drop hints, or...he even offered to sleep in separate beds! It's me. I am the one who wants things to be as they were between us, but I just can't...I can't feel him touch me like that, without seeing-" he cut off and closed his eyes, breathing deeply.
"Yeah," Akeem agreed. "The thought of it is enough for me to break out in a sweat. But how are we supposed to tell them that? Like, without making them think we're accusing them of something?"
Jamie nodded thoughtfully. "It's hard," she agreed. "But communication is key. I know I keep saying it, but it's true. The right person will listen to you. A safe partner respects your boundaries. If you let them know that you are not ready, or that you may react with fear or panic, or may need to stop, they need to be open for that, and understand that it is not personal. They need to know and understand where you are in your journey, and for them to understand, you need to tell them how you feel."
She looked around. "I know this is difficult. I know it's unfair. Most couples around you will not need to have such talks before or during their relationships - and yes, this is maddening. And it's okay to admit that anger. But you should not forget there are methods to help you cope, to help you work through this."
She softened her look. "And while you do, please also don't forget there are many ways to be intimate with your partner, or to express your need for them. Sex is not the ultimate goal of a relationship."
Sebastian's mind flew back to Monday night, when he and Kurt had showered together. There had been nothing sexual about it at all, and yet the connection it had sparked between them was something Sebastian couldn't put into words.
He explained briefly to the group what had happened. Then, he offered Akeem a sympathetic smile and added something he hadn't confessed to anyone but himself yet. "...but, while it was nice...I'm also scared that he'll want to do it again...and I don't know if I can. I don't always feel as...brave."
Jamie nodded thoughtfully. "That is a very weighted word you are using, Sebastian. Brave. That implies that refraining from intimacy out of self-protection is somehow cowardly, doesn't it? But there are many things that factor in the healing process. It's not just about courage."
"But if I've already done it once-" Sebastian tried, trailing off. "It makes no sense. I should be able to do it now. Maybe not go further, but-"
"But you've taken a step and nothing bad happened, so not repeating it feels like falling back?"
Sebastian nodded.
Jamie studied him for a moment, then addressed the whole group. "What you're feeling is natural. We all have expectations of ourselves, and often, I find we lay the bar too high. It's not a linear process. There may be moments where you feel as though you've started moving forwards, and moments where you feel like you've been set back to where you started. But it won't mean that you've lost your progress. A setback does not mean you're back at square one."
She looked around, making sure everyone was listening. "When you started, you did not have the knowledge, the skills or the resources that you have now. You are training a trigger-resilient muscle, gentlemen, and falling down and getting back up is a part of that. You're building up strength that will help you face moments like that in the future."
Sebastian bit his lip and let out a huff through his nose. Building up strength was all very well, but that was not what Kurt needed. Not what hedeserved.
There was also the fact that Blaine had been hot and cold as a way to punish and control Kurt, and Sebastian never ever want to Kurt think that that was what he was doing. Kurt had already almost left once. The memory made Sebastian feel almost physically sick.
Jamie focused on him. "Can you try to put into words why it is important to you to move forward? Do you want to be able to do more for yourself, or for your partner? What would be the consequence if things staying as they are now?"
"I want my life back!" Sebastian cried. "I want to be the person I was two months ago. I want to be able to walk down the street without constantly looking over my shoulder. I want to be able to take the subway without being terrified of the enclosed space. I want to be able to go out with my friends without them treading carefully around me...I want to be able to touch my boyfriend, and have him touch me, without flinching or being overcome with fear...I want to be whole again so that I can be the man my boyfriend deserves."
He was breathing hard, and tears were brimming in his eyes. He had wanted to come to therapy, to get a little better every day, and then be donewith it. This whole 'setback' bullshit was infuriating. "I don't want to be caught up in some fucked-up version of snakes and ladders where, just as I think I'm making progress, I slip on a snake's head and get sent back to the start!"
Sebastian shook his head. "I want this to never have happened! I want to go back in time and grab my sixteen year old self, slap him round the face and tell him to not be such a fucking jackass!" he continued, but the fight was leaving him and he slumped in his seat, feeling drained and embarrassed for shouting at a group of strangers,
"I understand your anger, Sebastian. But I don't think your sixteen year old self deserves that," Jamie said gently. "Nor did he deserve what happened to him."
Sebastian bit back his retort. Saying any more would mean delving deeper into his past and he wasn't sure he wanted to do that in front of the group. He closed his eyes and let his blood pressure settle.
"I just want to be whole again..." he whispered.
"And with the right therapy, you can work on that, Sebastian," Jamie said. She turned her attention back to the group. "Akeem, thank you for sharing this with us. As you can see, you are not alone. I advise all of you to communicate; take your partner with you to a counselling session if that is an option for you, use someone as mediator if you feel it's too hard to broach the subject alone. Your relationship will be the better for it."
"Or not, and they run for the hills," someone spoke up darkly.
"Yes. That may happen," Jamie admitted.
Sebastian looked away from them all to stare at a spot on the floor. He sniffed a little but didn't say anything.
Elliott looked at Sebastian out the corner of his eye and felt his heart ache for his new friend. He closed his eyes and tried to refrain from reaching out to hug him - but considering what he'd said about physical contact, Elliott knew it wouldn't be welcome. Instead, he waited until they paused for coffee and the others had left their seats before talking to him.
"Sebastian, I'm so sorry," he offered. "I don't know you or Kurt very well, but from what Dani tells me, and what I saw at the club that night, you are this amazing couple, like...the real deal. I think you can overcome this together." He paused. "I hope it doesn't freak you out that I'm here. I, uh, like to switch up my introductions a bit now and then, but I do take this seriously. "
Sebastian started a little as Elliott spoke and he turned to look at him. He had such sincerity in his eyes, it was a little overwhelming.
"I don't mind that you're here," he said honestly.
He paused. "As for Kurt and I...we were a great couple and maybe we still are...but...I don't know if we're strong enough to overcome this. He promised to be honest, but...he also promised he'd wake me up if I had nightmares and he didn't."
Elliott frowned. "Maybe he thought he had good reasons for it?" He looked down on his dark blue fingernails and fiddled with his cuticles. "Dani, she sometimes…thinks she's helping, but she's not." He looked up at Sebastian. "Jamie said it's because, even if they love us, the people close to us aren't always the best people to turn to for help."
He shrugged. "Like...sometimes you just need to be sad or angry or...irrational, and it frightens them. They want to help, but they don't know how. Just because this…" he gestured at the circle, "happened to us, does not automatically make them therapists. And then a part of your mind knows that and holds back, and it all just-" He closed his hand into a fist. "It doesn't help."
Sebastian thought about Elliott's words for a moment. It was true that Kurt had withheld the truth because he thought he was doing what was best. Since then, they had gotten better at their communication, but Elliott was right. He did sometimes hold back to spare Kurt's feelings. So how could Kurt ever fully understand, if he didn't get the full picture? Sebastian knew if the roles were reversed it would have driven him crazy.
Elliott waited for a moment, then offered, "If it helps, you can tell Kurt I go here too. I don't mind. Dani knows, my parents know- I'm okay with it. It might...give you an opening to talk about today with him." He paused. "And...if you want, I could tell you a bit about what I went through, some time. Only if you want to know! You know, if you think it might help you feel less...different."
Sebastian bit his lip and nodded, offering Elliott a smile. "Thanks."
Jamie came back over and the session resumed. Sebastian sat in silence for the rest of the meeting, listening to the others tell their stories. Now that he was more engaged, their stories seemed more relevant.
Towards the end, they talked about ways to cope with triggering situations and things to do that would distract from intrusive thoughts. With things still reminding and triggering him every single day, this was advice Sebastian felt he could apply in real life immediately.
As the group broke up at the end of the session, Sebastian waited until Jamie stood by herself and approached her.
"Um, Jamie, do you have a second?"
Jamie offered him a smile. "Of course, Sebastian. What can I do for you?"
"Well, you said to tell you where I heard about this group. Um...I googled using my zip code. My, uh…my dad helped me. He's a doctor."
Jamie nodded. "Okay. Thank you, I'll write that down. It's always good to know that our efforts for online visibility are working.
"Yeah...yeah, first hit," Sebastian mumbled.
Jamie cocked her head. "Anything else?" She made no move to go.
"I'm not sure," Sebastian started. "I think I need...more help than this. You said 'with the right therapy' I could work on this stuff...what...did you mean?"
"Well, there are many different types of therapy. What works for one person might not work for another, so it's not uncommon to try a few approaches until you find something that fits for you..."
Sebastian nodded, thinking. It was pretty much what Paul had said, too.
"I wasn't trying to imply that you are not welcome here," Jamie added. "I just noticed that maybe you were feeling a little overwhelmed.In additionto group therapy, you could also try personal therapy; talking to someone one on one."
Sebastian swallowed. So a couch after all. "And this...personal therapy…do you do that, too?"
"I do," Jamie confirmed. "Would you be interested in that?"
When he didn't reply, she carefully continued.
"I have my own practise with two colleagues. I can give you our number. I have an assistant who deals with the practical side; paperwork, insurance, referrals. We do have a waiting list, but in my experience, a lot of applicants drop off before their turn, or they apply for sessions at several practises at the same time and take the one that accepts them the fastest without cancelling their other applications, so a long waiting list does not automatically mean a long wait. We can do an assessment and decide if our approach may benefit you."
Sebastian's eyes glazed over a little. A referral? Applying at several practises? He didn't have any of that. No one had told him he had to. Panic gripped him. Was he doing it wrong already? What if they turned him down at the assessment? What if they couldn't help him… because no one could?
Jamie put a hand on his arm. "It sounds complicated, but it's not. My assistant has been with me for a long time. You don't need to tell her anything beyond your details, and that I gave you our number today. She'll walk you through the rest. Okay?"
Sebastian relaxed a little. "Thank you. I'll mention it to my dad, and we'll be in touch."
"Alright, Sebastian. Thank you for coming today."
"See you next week," Sebastian said and backed away, tucking her business card into his pocket.
He joined Elliott who had hung back for him.
"Everything okay?" Elliott asked.
Sebastian nodded. He could probably ask Elliott about his experiences finding a therapist, but his mind was spinning as it was and he had enough of investing in his future for the day. He wanted to go home.
"Do you need a ride anywhere?" Sebastian said instead. "Paul is picking me up...I'm not so good with the subway at the moment. Too many...people."
Elliott smiled. "Thanks, but I think I'll walk. It's only a few blocks and I want to clear my head a little. Hey, um...will I see you next week?"
Sebastian nodded. "Yeah, I think so."
Elliott gave him a shy look."Listen, um...do you wanna take my number? You know, in case you wanna chat or something..." He ran a hand through his hair and glanced at the circle of chairs before looking back at Sebastian."I can chat about...other stuff too, you know. I mean, Dani and me, and you and Kurt, we said we were gonna hang out and then-" He frowned. "I just mean, you can call me for whatever. It doesn't have to be about this."
Suddenly his eyes went wide. "Though I'm not trying to hook up with you!" He laughed a little awkwardly. "I mean, I know you're with Kurt and this is probably the worst place for a pick up anyway…" He rolled his eyes.
Sebastian snorted. "Okay. Got you. And yeah, we did say we'd hang out, before...and I guess we can...you guys should come over for a movie night or something."
"I'd like that," Elliott said.
"Me too," Sebastian said. He held the door open for Elliott and they started walking towards the exit. "I'll talk to Kurt and we'll arrange something."
They stepped out onto the street and Sebastian spotted Paul's car parked in the drop-off zone. He held a hand out to show him that he'd seen him and turned to Elliott. "Thanks, for this evening...I'm actually glad I knew someone in there...not that I'm glad that you...I don't mean…" he stammered, realising what it sounded like. "The circumstances are awful and I wish it wasn't this way...I'm sorry, I don't know what I am saying."
Elliott smiled and took his hand. "It's okay. I know what you mean. I'm glad it was okay for you. It's a really good group. It took me a while to find the right place, but I feel comfortable around them."
Sebastian smiled at him. "Me too," he said. "Thanks...see you next week then."
"Definitely," Elliott said. They shook hands and Sebastian walked over to Paul's car.
"Hey," Paul said as Sebastian climbed in. "How are you?"
"I'm...okay." Sebastian said as he buckled himself in. He paused for a moment before continuing "Initially, I was sceptical - I mean - what can a bunch of strangers do that my family can't?" He licked his lips and looked at Paul. "When the first few people started talking...I dunno...none of their stories applied to me, you know?"
Paul looked at him and nodded, waiting for him to continue if he wanted to.
"But then one guy said something that really resonated and I started paying attention...I even joined in on the conversation. I kinda lost it a bit at one point, actually…"
"What happened?" Paul asked softly.
"I guess I just got a bit frustrated? They were talking about 'progress' and 'setbacks' and how having setbacks doesn't mean losing the progress you make. Which pissed me off, because I don't want setbacks. I just want to be better! " He could feel a little bit of his anger return, but it was quickly followed by regret.
"I guess I thought that I'd go in, they'd give me a...I dunno...a checklist of things that I could do and then when I'd completed the list I'd be cured." he confessed. "...but maybe it's not supposed to work like that."
Paul looked at him sadly, unsure of what to say that didn't make him sound like a doctor. Instead he looked into his rear view mirror and saw the young man Sebastian had left with walking away from them.
"Was that someone from the group?" he asked.
Sebastian glanced back at Elliott. "Yeah. Uh, I actually already knew him. A friend of a friend, so to say."
Paul raised his eyebrows in surprise. "What a small world! Did you know he was in this group?"
"No, I didn't even know that he was - I mean, I still don't really know what happened but I guess he's there for a reason...like me," Sebastian finished lamely. "He says the group is very good, though."
Paul nodded. "I'm glad. It was a recommendation from a colleague, but a lot of it has to do with personal chemistry, and as an open group, you never know who'll come in and what they're like." He checked his rear view mirror again and moved to start the engine. Then, he paused as an idea came to him. He turned to to look at Sebastian.
"Seb...as it was your first time, Dr. Randell probably told you about the confidentiality clause, right?"
Sebastian nodded. "Yeah, she said that anything that is said in group, stays in group."
"As doctors, it's something we take very seriously," Paul said. "And I want you to know that you can talk about your sessions with me, or with Marc if you want to - just...you don't have to, okay? I appreciate you sharing this with me now...but it can also be a private thing, for you-" He put a hand on his chest, "like a safe place where you can be open about things you don't want us to know. Just because we care about you, it doesn't mean you owe us transparency."
Sebastian smiled a little and nodded. "Thanks."
He looked out of the window for a moment and then turned back to Paul. "Jamie said something that made me think...maybe I should try personal counselling sessions after all. Because...I think maybe I have more issues to talk about than just that night. Like...my father and Paris, and-" He grimaced. "I can't monopolise the group with all of my crazy!"
Paul frowned and opened his mouth to speak, but Sebastian shook his head, dropping his smile.
"I know, I know," he mumbled softly. Kurt would definitely have something to say about him calling himself that. "So anyway," he continued, clearing his throat. "Jamie gave me her business card and said to make an appointment for an assessment."
He pulled it out of his pocket. "...what do you think?"
Paul looked pleasantly surprised. "I think that's great," he said honestly. "She's a distinguished specialist in her area. And if you feel comfortable with her, that's a really good start." He smiled.
He had been hoping Sebastian would be willing to try private therapy, but so far he had seemed reluctant. He started up the engine again. "I think that's so good, in fact, that we should have celebratory burgers that neither Marc or Kurt will ever hear about. What do you say?"
Sebastian laughed and grinned at him. "Absolutely!"
A/N: Happy belated Halloween, sorry for the late update! We hope you all had a spooky day 8) This is it, we've reached the midway mark of our fic. Now, we're going to take a little time off to write...sit back, relax, maybe re-read a few chapters, and we'll see you in December!