Her life was a lie, and knowing the truth hadn't made it any easier. She was still confused about what she wanted to do now, and she was no closer to getting to the truth. Instead it had only left her riddled with questions. Who is my real family? How do I know what's the truth anymore? Did Susan really love me? Did Ellis even want me?
How do I tell molly?
Mark had gone to work that day, after calling ahead to let Richard know that Lexie would not be coming in again. It had seemed that Richard had been okay with it. Lexie could recall that Mark had told her something like "you have been put on leave until you are ready to speak to him again."
Now as she curled further into her blankets, not having wanted to move and not being completely sure of what she wanted anymore, she contemplated never moving again. She didn't really want to speak to anyone, just as long as Mark, one of the only stable things in her life, kept coming home to her.
A stampede of feet brought her out of her head and only caused her to bury her head into Marks pillow.
.........
Meredith pushed through the door, followed closely by a worried Molly and Arizona.
They had entered the room warily, not knowing what to expect, or what condition they would find Lexie in.
Mark had been the one to tell Meredith the results of Lexie's paternity test, and he had also been the one to pass it onto Richard. Meredith hadn't said too much, as her paternity was not much to bother her as she knew that either way they were sisters.
The contacting of Molly had been by Meredith too, who had also decided to see if she could come talk to Lexie, after all, she had been her sister for years, while Meredith and Arizona had only been in her life for a shorter period of time.
So as they made their way across the room and to her bed they let Molly approach her first, taking a seat on the edge of the bed, Meredith now holding Laura, who had been sleeping in Molly's arms moments earlier.
"Lex" Molly said quietly as she rubbed a hand over the large mound. "Come on Lex you need to talk to us." She said.
She felt lexie move from under her touch and she slowly pulled the covers down from around her head.
"Mol" Lexie said quietly, before her eyes shifted to the others. Her eyes watering slightly. "I'm... we're not... we're not sisters." She struggles to say to molly.
"We are" Molly said firmly twisting on the bed to face Lexie better.
"No" Lexie said as she shook her head.
"Susan adopted both of us, that makes us sisters Lex." She tells her firmly, but with a quite voice.
Lexie's eyes widened at the thought.
"W... what?" she asked.
"You heard me." Molly told her with a smile. "I was adopted. So were you. Susan adopted you because she couldn't have children. So we are sisters." Molly told her. "We are sisters because she wanted us to be, and we are cousins because my biological father turned out to be your biological uncle." Molly added. "So you could never lose me, even if you tried real hard I wouldn't be going anywhere."
Lexie didn't know what to think about it all. "How do you know you are adopted?" lexie asked nervously.
"Unlike you." Molly confided. "I was told when I was 15, but I guess they really did think Thatcher was your dad." She said sympathetically.
"Oh" lexie sounded.
Meredith then took this moment to step in. "Your our sister Lex, in one way or another." She sighed as she sat down. "You are an aunt, a girlfriend and a daughter. Some things change, and things are made to change, its just a matter of how we adapt to that change." She said honestly.
"Since when did you get so wise?" Arizona teased her younger sister.
"Since I spent hours upon hours with a shrink." Meredith replied, "and believe me the appointments have just started back up." She said honestly as she turned to give a sympathetic look.
"Now come on lex." She urged. "Get up, have a shower, and we will have a girls day out, I think we costello's have earnt it." She told her as she struggled to stand with the sleeping Laura in her arms.
"Here mer." Molly invited to take her. Meredith smiled as she handed her over before looking back at Lexie.
"Oh and lex" she added as she gave a wink "make sure the shower is a long one, you are beginning to smell."
And with that meredith moved towards the door, encouraging Arizona to follow, leaving Molly to see that Lexie got organised and ready to go for lunch and to do what they might need to make her feel better about herself, because hell, even she needed that after the week they had."
.................pictures...............
There was a time, that staring at the fish in her psychologists room was the biggest reminder to her near death experience, but now, it was one of the few things that could absorb her mind and help her rearrange her thoughts to put them in the sentences she needed to explain to Dr Wyatt how it was that she felt about everything. Her biggest problem was, was that she wasn't sure how she felt about it all.
Dr wyatt, or Katherine, as Meredith had been told to call her, sat watching Meredith as she stared intensely at the fish. It wasn't the first time Meredith had done that, and she was worried that, like when Meredith had first started to see her, she would remain silent, and not express her thoughts and feelings on the most recent events
They remained in silence for quite sometime, every now and then, Meredith would run her fingers over her engagement ring and let out a sigh, but nothing more.
Katherine had sat for 20 minutes like this before she broke the silence, causing Merediths blue eyes to meet her own brown hazy ones.
"Last session you kept trying to talk to me about Molly and Lexie." She informed, although she was sure that Meredith remembered.
"I want to know about you Meredith. How do you feel about everything that has been revealed. What are you going to do with this information? How has this changed your relationships with the people around you?"
Meredith took in the words that Katherine spoke, as her eyes shifted back to the water.
"He wanted me." Meredith finally murmured, not sure of what else to say
"He..." she trailed off searching for what it was she was trying to iterate.
"He wanted me and yet he stayed quiet... I don't... I don't know what to think about that." Meredith told Katherine honestly as she glimpsed up at her before her attention moved back to the fish.
"So what are you going to do with this new information?" katherine pressed slightly, wanting to make some progress this session.
"I...ah.... I don't know." She confessed as she ran her finger over her ring, Katherine noting the gesture and how it was making Meredith feel more secure. "Its just that.." She started and paused again, this time shifting her gaze to katherines.
"Its just what?" katherine encouraged.
"It was only 6 months ago that I was cursing him for how he screwed up my life, and its... if he could have... if mom had found out... then things could have been different." She sighed as she wiped a tear from her eye, hating how much she had been crying lately.
"But you wouldn't be you." Katherine advised her, putting down her note pad for a moment.
"You wouldn't have been the girl to have had a one night stand with her boss, to have fought so hard to find her way to a safe space to then be with that man... you wouldn't be the person who you are now. Life experiences shape us, they make us grow and adapt to the world around us. You wouldn't be sitting here today wearing that ring." She noted finally.
Meredith sighed as she looked down upone the ring thinking all that it resembled.
"Lets face it Meredith, back then there were no real paternity tests, all that she could have done was match the blood types, which from my understanding, both Thatcher and Richard match. If she had been praying that you would resemble your father, than the colour of your skin easily led for the misunderstanding, even if your mother was a genius she still maternally have hoped you would have been drawn to one of them to a paternal degree, and instead, from what you have told me, you spent equal time with both, forming strong hearty relationships. The difference being thhat your mother chose to leave Thatcher while Richard chose to stop fighting." She finished.
"I don't know why..." meredith started but stopped from making the rest of the statement.
"You don't know why he stopped fighting for you?" katherine finished and Meredith let out a small nod. "Then I suggest you ask him, that would be the only way to piece these things together, and just remember Meredith, we will sort through everything that you have discovered."
Meredith let out a sigh, her eyes flicking to the clock that read that she still had 10 minutes left of her appointment. She didn't say anything at first when she turned to look at the fish again.
Katherine watched her fr a few moments realising that Meredith was putting the subject to rest for now. She knew that she should keep Meredith talking through everything, but then again, she knew that she could push too hard, causing Meredith to leave early.
"How... how are things with Lexie?" Katherine finally asked, hoping that the topic was an easier one.
Meredith groaned before turning to face Katherine. "Richard is going to have to make her leave the program soon, there are only so many personal days that one can have before the board starts asking questions. Its been a week and a half since she found out, and while we got her out of bed, she won't push further than lunch before wanting to go back." Meredith advised her.
Katherine nodded, noting that there was a great deal of difference between Meredith and Lexie, Meredith being able to roll with the punches while Lexie was more into wallowing and hiding from the world completely. "Different life experiences prepare us to take in the curve balls that life threw at us." Katherine offered. "Lexie was sheltered from the way things were by Susan, who made sure that she felt loved and secure. Although Susan has been gone for a year now im sure that she never imagined that anything could disrupt her perfect child hood."
Meredith nodded not knowing what to say to what Katherine had just said. "I don't want her to lose her job." She finally advised.
"Then you need to get her to face her issues." Katherine replied.
"How?" Meredith asked as she stood, reaching for her pager which had been sitting on the couch beside her.
"Invite Richard for tea." Katherine suggested. "It would be the perfect opportunity for you to gain answers from him, and also maybe he could offer some advice to his newly recognised daughters."
Meredith bit her bottom lip at the thought. "I just" Meredith sighed, knowing that it would give away that she had not been communicating much with her biological father.
"You don't know where your loyalties lie." Katherine surmised, "and lets face it, my opinion about your mother still stands." She stated. "She was a woman who had loved and lost and was too scared to acknowledge that she had the chance to love again. Maybe her diaries would give you a little insight." Katherine offered, "ask Richard if their are any diaries dated during her intern year or the lead up to, it might surprise you what you will find."
Meredith grimaced at the thought, but again nodded as she moved towards the door.
" Oh and Meredith, congratulations on your engagement. I hope he can also help guide you through this darkness." Katherine stated with a soft smile, knowing that Derek was one of the few reasons that Meredith appeared so together.
"Thanks" Meredith murmured in response giving her a small smile before making her escape into the waiting arms of Derek.
.................pictures...............
Have you ever just wondered what life could be like if things were unsaid. If people remained faithful. If decisions hadn't been made. Well I have. It happens all the time. And right now, I have no idea how to stop it.
As I sit at my kitchen table with an array of food smeared across it, welcoming the others sitting around it to eat, I fight to build up an appetite. You see tonight is the night for asking questions, or so I have been told, and yet the question left unspoken seems to heavy to verbalise.
I watch the others as they nervously pick at the food, collecting small serves of everything to munch on. No one has met anybody elses gaze, except maybe Derek, who keeps reaching over and squeezing my hand in reassurance. I know that he also wants me to eat, and thinks that I haven't eaten enough in the last couple of days, but I don't really have the appetite to, no matter how much I know I should.
Sitting amongst us is my Chief of surgery slash brand new daddy. The man who I have thrown so much shit at over the past few years. The man who I had blamed for chasing my daddy away. The man who didn't defend himself against my tiny tirades and my treason against his word.
Then next to him is my big sister. The only family that I thought I had left, the one who had ditched me for no reason other than the fact that our mother wasn't happy with her lifes decision. Of course it was unbeknownst to me until she had returned and told me the truth. But that wasn't the only truth that she revealed. It seemed very much like she was our mothers secret keeper, and that she had done a fantastic job of keeping the secrets quiet. Of courses, that was until recently.
Her girlfriend sat beside her, callie, my sisters girlfriend. That of course happened in a whirl wind with none of us understanding whether she was being used as a distraction or whether she was someone who was truly consuming Ari's thoughts. It made no sense, that was for sure, but it seemed to be working for them and I could only hope that it would continue that way, as I wouldn't want to see either herself or my sister get hurt. She had come for the dinner because Ari was going to be the only one other than my "new daddy" to be partnerless.
The table curved, and on the end, looking down upon me was an empty space, there was no head of the table, not tonight, and not for a while as this seemed too personal to have any of my house mates crashing. Lexie then sat across from Callie. She hadn't spoken the whole time she had been down stairs. She too hadn't looked greatly at Richard either, and I knew that was because she felt like there was too much going on and that she had been lied to all her life, and to be honest, I don't exactly know who had it worse. She had a mother who had wanted her, albeit that it wasn't our mother, but still Susan had wanted her and made sure that she had been loved and had the familial life that I definitely didn't have.
Mark sat beside her, the only one that seemed oblivious to the tension that filled the room. He was shovelling down the food that he had dished up like he hadn't been fed for weeks.
Derek sat beside him, and even though he was precise with his servings, he ate staggedly as he often kept looking at me, to check that I was ok, and not on the verge of a freakout. His fork hand maintained the staggered train of food to his mouth, while his other hand rested on mine, gently caressing it as if to keep me calm. His eyes flicked up to meet mine again, and I knew that he was hoping that I would eat a little more.
The food was good, I couldn't deny it. I had made sure that we were well catered with an array of barbeque chicken, roated vegetables and salad. I had also stored a fruit salad in the fridge, and had ice cream in the freezer waiting for dessert.
I look down at my basic plate that derek had served me up in hopes of enhancing my appetite and realised that I had barely touched my food.
"Please mer" I heard dereks plead breathily. He obviously didn't want to alert the others to the fact that I hadn't really eaten.
I let out a small sigh as I contemplate the food on my plate. I try and choose something to chew, but im still so indecisive, not knowing what I really felt like.
I toy with a slither of chicken that I have managed to press onto the end of my fork. My eyes meet Dereks pleading ones again before I raise the fork to my mouth, taking the chicken and forcing myself to chew it.
I feel Dereks eyes on me as my mouth begins the digestion process. As I swallow I feel him squeeze my hand before he leans forward and kisses me softly, murmuring a quick thank you.
When he pulls back I realise that a few others have witnessed our little moment, and I force myself to snab another piece of chicken.
"Ummm..." I hear Richard sound as he fakes clearing his throat. "Thanks for the meal tonight Meredith." He says, forcing a smile. It was obvious to me how awkward thing were feeling.
"Your... your welcome Richard, I mean dad, ummm chief." I ramble, not knowing what I am supposed to call him now. We hadn't really talked since the moment he wrapped his arms around me when we had found out the news.
Richard smiles at me, and I feel him move slightly, unsure whether to touch my hand and attempt to calm me or not. "What ever you feel comfortable with." He tells me gently."
I close my eyes briefly before shifting my focus back onto my food, everybody else seemingly following my example.
The room takes over the consuming silence again, and it is not long until the food that I am forcing down is cold, and any thought of finishing it is gone.
I stand to put my plate in the sink, and I feel derek begin to move, encouraging everyone to go into the lounge room stating that dessert will be later and that they will be a few moments while they clear the table.
No one else offers and I am sure that they can sense our need for a moment alone, a moment to recuperate or even to plan.
I place the last of the dishes on the sink before reaching for my still full wine glass. I take a small sip before turning into the arms that have since moved around me.
I nestle my head on his chest, and feel him press a kiss to the top of my head.
His hands run soothingly through my hair and I know he is begging me to open up to him, and to tell him what's going on inside of my head, but im not sure how just yet, im not quite ready.
I tilt my head up and kiss his neck softly, the only place I can reach without standing on my tippy toes.
I hear him moan softly before he lowers his mouth to mine, and I feel his knees bend so he doesn't hurt his neck.
The kiss is soft, sensual and reassuring, and seems to give me more drive and energy to see this night through with the people occupying my lounge room. Pulling away hesitantly, I reach for his hand, needing him by my side, as I set off to tackle the big guns.
.......
It seemed that the silence must have followed the others into the lounge because when we had arrived they were still sitting quietly, this time looking anywhere around the room except for at each other.
I feel Derek squeeze my hand and I looked up at him briefly and smiled. He was my rock. I may not have been able to see that before but I could now.
I look back around the group and notice how spaced apart they all are, and I know that I am the one who has to do something about it.
Moving to sit on the floor, Derek moves to sit behind me, pulling me back into his arms. Our eyes drifting arouund the others who seemed quite aware of our presence but not really sure of what it meant.
"What do we call you?" I blurt to Richard, wanting to break the silence.
I feel Derek pull my body in closer to his, and I relax a little.
"I don't know" richard murmured. It was obvious that he hadn't really thought about it.
I let out a small sigh. I know it is a lot to expect him to have answers for everything, but still I had figured that he would have had more of an idea about all of this.
"Do you want us to call you dad?" I ask moving slightly, not sure if I am holding a breath. I don't know whether I want him to say yes or no, but hope that either way I could adjust.
"I...ahhh... whatever you girls want." He replied awkwardly, and I watch as he brings an uncertain hand up to scratch the back of his head.
That's when it hits me, surely I had a name for him when I was little. I have vague memories of spending time with him, times alone, but I have no idea what I used to call him. "What did I call you when I was little?" I ask nervously, feeling the eyes of everyone else move back and forth from Richard and I as if they were watching a grand slam tennis match.
Richards eyes twinkle and it is obvious to me that he is caught up in a memory from my childhood. A smile forms on his face and he looks over at me before replying softly. So softly that I almost didn't hear, so I make him repeat it again.
"Dar" he said again, and I watch him then move to take out his wallet from his pant pocket. Im not sure what is the connection between the two things but I watch him carefully.
"You called me dar and you were my little merry." He said with a small smile as he then hands me a photo. It is worn from his wallet and slightly dog earred. There in the middle is a much younger man, obviously Richard, and a little blonde haired green girl, which looks about 3. She has her arms around his neck and seems to be full of laughter.
"You couldn't stop laughing when your mom was trying to take this photo. You wer e crazy for days after. You mom thought it had something to do with being closed up in the hospital while ari was at school and Thatcher was at work, but it was because I had taken you for your first strawberry ice cream and you were on a sugar high."
I smile at his memory.
"I used to sneak you away for those little treats. Especially when your mom was in surgery. Sometimes I had the day off and I would take you to the park. You loved going on the boats the best. You would ask for us to bring Ari and we would curl up on a bench near the docks and watch them come and go before we would catch the ferry over and back, and then I would take you home."
I smile as Derek leans over my shoulder taking in the image. It wasn't often that we would stumble onto a photo of myself when I was little and I was in complete awe.
"Can we get a copy of this?" I hear Derek ask, and I turn to smile at him. He moves to kiss me softly before looking over at Richard.
"I have a much bigger one at home. That's assuming Adele hasn't broken it. I will duck past and get it for you before work tomorrow." He informs us.
I nod, feeling grateful and then I hand the photograph back. "Thanks Dar" I say and let a small giggle escape me. It sounds like a really weird name to call some one, like im almost calling him dad, but not quite.
I see him smile softly as he reaches for the photo. "No worries merry." He replies and he then slips the photo back where its home was.
The room shifts a little, and I feel the tension is broken slightly. I look around at the others who are taking up both couches. It is when my eyes land on Lexie that I notice that there was a shift in her eyes.
"If you knew about me" she started softly. "Would... would you have wanted me?"
I can see that she is hanging on his answer. I knew that she had been hurt pretty badly by Thatcher Greys words. The weird thing was that she was wanted by Susan, and back then Thatcher loved her. It was only after Susans death that it had changed.
"Of course." Richard said promptly. "I've always wanted kids."
"But you didn't have any with adele." I spoke up, remembering Adele saying something during her hospitalisation.
"After your mom" he said witha sigh, and it was clear to see the sadness as it washed over his face. "After you, well... I couldn't imagine having children with Adele, I was scared that I would get attached and that she would leave."
I nod my head, glad to see the opening arise for the question Katherine had wanted me to ask.
"Then why didn't you stop mom, why didn't you fight for me, for us?" I ask, gesturing to Lexie as I went.
I could see that Richards face shifted and I wasn't sure if their was a mixture of anger with the sadness or whether he was growing defensive.
" She threatened to take away my career." Richard said softly. "If I didn't back off. She said that I would lose everything. Do you know what would have happened to the only black man on staff to be accussed of not only sexually assaulting her, but to also have been accussed of molesting you." I could hear his voice grow bitter. "I would have lost everything. My career, you, myself, my wife, my... life." He stated and I knew that mom had then threatened to take his whole life away.
"I wasn't worth it?" I ask a little glumly. I understood what he was saying, but was scared to hear the answer.
"You were" I head him say as he looks up at me with earnest eyes, "but I would have been facing the death penalty. And what good would I have been to you if I was dead." He told me and I could hear the bitterness return. "I didn't know about Lexie, but if I had I would have wanted her. Like I want you both now. Your my daughters, my own flesh and blood. I've always felt like something was missing..." he trailed off.
I couldn't hide the tears from my eyes, my hate growing in my heart, more for my mother than it ever had been before, and yet a small level of me knew that it was out of fear that she had done so. She was scared to love and lose, and that was why, on some level she was scared to love me. oh great I thought now im starting to sound like doctor wyatt
A layer of concern grew over the room and I watched as Lexie leaned forward slightly.
"What now?" I asked Richard knowing that this was going to change my life. I feel Derek squeeze me slightly letting me know that I was still fine and that he was still there.
"I guess we could... spend time together... rebuild what was broken." I hear Richard say as he clears his throat and looks hopeful.
"And me?" I hear Lexie say.
" I guess we start fresh." He murmurs, not sure how she is going to react because she has been hiding all week. "But a good start would be for you to come back to work."
Lexie nods, and I feel myself grow hopeful too, that we can build a solid family for us out of the rubble.