Disclaimer: The following is a fan-written parody. Ranma ½ is property of Rumiko Takahashi, Studio Deen, Shogakukan, Viz Media, and Madman Entertainment. Support the official release, okay?
Senpai
A Ranma ½ Story
|Romance of the Three Kingdoms|
The kendoka that attempted quite boldly to break a bokken over Akane's skull, only to suffer one broken over his balls in return, seemed quite uppity for a guy who just lost his reproductive capacity for an indeterminate amount of time. Following the attack, he had been restrained in the school's infirmary and left to stew in his juices before he was questioned, and it was during that time that his uppityness became quite apparent. He swore, he spat, and he derided anyone who came near him, acting rather arrogant for–again–a dude who had been near castrated by Akane.
It was early in the next morning when the student council of Furinkan High School met outside of the dark hallway outside of the nurse's office, Katie and Ranma had arrived as one pair, while Nabiki and Akane showed up as another. They had just received the report on the condition of the kendoka, and the fact that despite having a lot to say, who he was and where he came from didn't appear to be in his vocabulary.
He would not enjoy the process of learning.
"Good grief, I'd say that we didn't send assassins to knock over other students in my old school, but I literally had to put like five cheerleaders in the hospital when they tried to jump me in the showers after gym," Katie lamented.
"There weren't assassins at my old school mostly because it was an all guys school and assassins are generally the bottom bitches of any crew," Ranma said, "And no one wanted to be the bitch made man. Instead, everyone just fought everyone in the hallways, and in the cafeteria, and in gym, and in class…"
"You went to an all boys school?" Nabiki asked.
"Can we just take a step back and focus on the fact that we're talking about assassins in school like it's a normal thing?"
"Temper your exasperation, you're balls deep in this nonsense," Nabiki said, "Miss Girls Athletic Committee Chair."
Katie nodded. "It's safer to accept it, Akaneko."
Akane pouted at this, but nodded and folded her arms. "Just when I was getting used to it being peaceful and quiet. So, how do we find out who he is?"
"Nothing a car battery and some leads won't fix," Katie said.
"Could we not?" Akane pleaded.
"You're no fun." Nabiki said, sticking her tongue out at her sister.
"I'm all kinds of fun but I'd rather not go too far down the hole of unsanitary violence." Akane finished her plea with a begging smile that made it hard to say no.
Katie and Nabiki both conceded to that, while Ranma recalled something Kodachi said. "Well, he might be from wherever this Saginomiya person is."
"Asuka Saginomiya?" Nabiki asked. "Oh geez, she would send someone here, wouldn't she?"
Katie's face fell. She heard of that particular nutjob before, a rich bitch with a chip on her shoulder and a sense of moral superiority unbecoming of how she openly acted in public or on Instagram. "I've heard of her."
"I haven't, fill me in," Ranma said.
"She goes to Kolkhoz Academy, an international school right over on the border with Nakano. Her family runs the school's administration, you can imagine what kind of power she has over the students and faculty," Katie explained.
"She's also Kodachi's mortal rival," Nabiki said. "They've literally been at it since kindergarten."
She whipped out her smartphone and loaded a wikipedia page about it. "Their feud is local lore, IRL and online, because it's literally evolved with social media."
Nabiki presented the screen of the phone to Ranma and Akane, who both gawked in disbelief at the length of the rivalry.
"She's a drama queen, plain and simple," Katie said, "She was in the middle of shit with Misao back when I first moved here. Calling her a prostitute and a call girl, and trying to send her friends to intimidate her at public events."
"She sounds like a horrible person," Akane said.
"You have no idea." Asuka Saginomiya was so wretched, that Katie considered her a turn-off.
Nabiki shook her head. "Now I almost feel sorry for this dope. If he really is one of that Saginomiya's pets, he's not long on brains, just misplaced loyalty."
Katie was amazed. "Well, someone who can ruin a person enough to nearly invoke sympathy from you."
"Nearly," Nabiki reminded them. "In the end, he's just an accessory that she's tossed aside to make a statement–provided it's Saginomiya responsible for him."
"And if he's not?" Ranma asked.
Nabiki shrugged her shoulders. "Then he's an even bigger idiot, because the only other school that would take shots at us has no reason to now that Kuno the elder is indisposed."
"Who?" This was new to Katie, too.
"Mendou Shuutaro!" With Kodachi's declaration the hallway corridor lights came on, illuminating her arrival flanked by several of her Gentlemen. "Heir to the Mendou Zaibatsu, which owns Tomobiki High School and 51% percent of Japan's property!"
"And principal rival of Kuno," Nabiki added.
Kodachi nodded. "That is correct! Since the Kendo Nationals two years ago, where my brother swiftly struck him down in the middle school level championships. He has sought revenge and retribution for the humiliation, only to be spurned again and again on the stage of champions!"
"In short, he's a pretty shitty swordsman," Nabiki tl;dr'd.
Ranma immediately lost interest, as did Katie. A guy weaker than Kuno wasn't any fun.
Akane didn't lose the plot. "But if Kuno's gone, why is he sending assassins after us?"
Kodachi let out a small laugh. "Let us find out." She looked to Katie. "Would you mind interrogating the young man, as per your duty as Disciplinary Chair?"
"I got a couple ideas," Katie said, popping her neck. "Just let me study him a bit."
"Well, if he was a pet of Saginomiya, then we could check her Instagram. She likes to post a selfie that coincides with someone from her circle getting caught doing something dumb." Nabiki pointed out, using her phone to go check that lead out.
"And if he is from this Mendou guy?" Ranma asked, curious if she had any info on that.
"Oh, Tomobiki guys are all hard up for that alien girl who looks like a demon." Nabiki said it offhand. "Just mention Lum Invader and see if the idiot sprouts a massive stiff."
"That'll cover the who, I'll work on finding out the why," Katie said as she opened the door and walked into the infirmary. "Akaneko, come along."
Akane gestured to herself. "Me?"
Curious, she followed Katie in. In the room, she found the kendoka strapped firmly to a bed, which was in an upright position. He could hardly move at all, as much for the sake of his injuries as it was to prevent him from attempting to escape.
Despite being locked away for the entire day and night, the mysterious assailant was still full of piss and vinegar. "Mongrels!"
"Wan, wan," Katie said. She rolled her eyes before giving a sharp snort. "How's it feel being a mongrel's prisoner? Or that you got stomped by one?"
"Flukes have been known to happen," the kendoka retorted with an arrogant turn of his nose. "Your birth being a prime example."
Katie ignored the barb and turned to Akane. "All right Akaneko, I'm gonna explain something that might not make sense. And then I'll demonstrate it for you."
"Okay." Akane said, before glancing at their prisoner. "It won't do anything to him will it?"
"If all goes well, I won't need to even hurt him to get him to talk." Katie reassured the girl.
"As if a mongrel could make me talk." He muttered with a dark tone.
Katie gave him an even more disdainful look. "Jesus Christ, more people with eighth-grader syndrome. Do you realize how lame you sound, calling me mongrel? Gilgamesh wasn't real, the Fate version was literally golden garbage, and even with that handicap in your favor you'd never be as intimidating as him."
He immediately tried to spit at her face, but he could've hocked that loogie after saving it up for a week and it wouldn't have gone any further than the foot of the bed where it landed.
Katie then turned to Akane again. "Now then, that explanation."
She took a breath to steady herself. "It's like this: when I fight, I tend to focus more than most people. Normally, this would be bad because you'd tend to miss things. But at some point, my Uncle learned a trick that let him bypass the limiter of sight. Basically, once you get the hang of that trick, you'll be able to "see" more, as well as hear, smell, taste, and touch more than normal. As well as focusing on things, you'll be able to also think faster and come to better decisions faster before you could be defeated. It's hard to describe, but it's kind of like learning how to fight blind."
Akane looked thoughtful, had anyone else tried to say that to her, she would have called bullshit. But this was her senpai... "So you're saying I can learn this?"
"Anyone can, even Nabiki." Katie said, shrugging her shoulders a little. "It's just, most people take their eyesight for granted and never ever try to account for times when they can't see."
The kouhai looked back at their prisoner. "So how are you going to show me?"
Katie hummed. "First, look me in the eyes and watch them closely."
Akane did as instructed, watching with deep fascination as she watched the taller girl's pupils dilated. They kept going and soon Akane wasn't sure Katie could see anything anymore. She moved to speak but Katie silenced her with a raised hand.
"Don't, I need to adjust first." Katie whispered, focusing on her hearing first, bringing it down to levels she could handle. "If you said something there it would've been like a bomb going off by my ears."
Everything was so much sharper, clearer now to Katie. She could hear both Akane and the kendoka's heart beats, the former tinged with curiosity, the latter seething with anger and hate. She slowly blurred out the room around them until only Akane and their prisoner remained. Idly, she let the scent of Akane filter through her heightened smell and it was like a field after a spring rain, so vibrant and full of life.
"Senpai?" Akane murmured, the timber of her voice showing off the full range of emotions. From concern and curiosity to friendly affection and warmth.
"It's fine, I'm just focusing and filtering everything." Katie said, turning away from Akane to look at the prisoner. "Trust me, you'll want to get good at speed focus or else you'll get to hear someone three blocks over having explosive diarrhea. Not fun."
"I imagine it wouldn't." Akane blanched, shaking her head.
Katie focused on the heartbeat of the kendoka, trying to find out what it could tell her. He was angry, prideful, dismissive and hidden within the contours of the sound was the shame he felt at losing to a girl and losing in general. "Huh, his anger is all bluster to keep from feeling the shame over losing. To a girl."
He blanched in surprise and jerked his head to deny it.
"You can tell that?" Akane asked, not having expected that.
"From the cadence and pace of his heartbeat. It takes a while to learn what each sound represents but they each have a certain tone." Katie replied, before she casually answered Akane's following question. "Before you ask, you're excited, curious and anxious."
Akane nodded. "That's amazing."
The kendoka began to sweat as he realized the implications.
"There's other things that I'll explain after the interrogation." Katie said, keeping her focus on the prisoner. "So! Tell me about Lum Invader?"
His pulse slowed and the organ beat with confusion. "Why would I know anything about that stupid thing?"
"Fascinating. It's just, we thought you were one of Mendou Shuutaro's fanboys thanks to your kendo ability." Katie explained.
His heart thudded with offense now, his breath was hot with anger. "As if I'd follow that clown!"
"All right, I believe you." Katie said, swiftly switching topics. "Man, that leaves that ugly cow Asuka Saginomiya."
Akane looked at Katie, when she noticed his hands twitch, as if he was about to clench them into fists. Katie had seen it too, and then nudged Akane. "I mean, her face looks like someone drank some bad milk and puked it back up, upon which the sick grew legs and thought itself a person."
His eyes widened, his nostrils flared. He strained against his restraints and bared his teeth. All the while, his heart barely picked up pace, though it was tinged with slight anger.
"Impressive show chum, but either you agree with my assessment or you're faking anger to try and throw me off." Katie correctly diagnosed. "And a fine gentlemen like you going to that inbred factory of Kolkhoz?"
Now he was pissed, his heart rate jumped to a significant amount.
"I see, not a pet, a patriot. Doing good work for the glory of his school." Katie said, tsking a little. "Or I'm sure that's how she sold you on it. I mean, your school is still smarting after that incident where the Golden Pair got crippled right?"
His heart was thundering with anger, his breath was thick with fury. His pupils dilated and if he could, he would have torn himself from the bed at that very moment.
"Tell me friend, how much did it take to buy you? What did you sell your pride as a martial artist for? Did she smile at you? Promise to go out with you? Even… hold your hand in public?" Katie really laid into him.
"How lewd." Akane murmured.
Outwardly, he calmed his thrashing, but he couldn't cool his heart's raging. The insults had been too great. Trained though he had been to still his tongue, the rest of him was entirely too mouthy.
"You're sweating a lot pal." Katie said calmly, stretching her arms over her head. "You're about to lie to me aren't you?"
His heart finally slowed, not through calming down but fear. Could she read his mind?
"Let me read you the facts brother man." Katie said, taking a breath. "We're going to find out who you are. The school you go to is about to get its shit pushed in because if you're an indicator of the talent there, this war you've taken upon yourself to start is going to be very, very short. Because, my guy, you lost to my cute little kouhai here. And her job is to train the bodies of the students here at Furinkan high, turning them into better people for the future of our nation. She's still a nice girl deep down, even pleading on your behalf to spare you extreme torture. And you lost to her, completely."
She breathed out a hot breath, her eyes burning with the madness of battle. "Me? I'm the big bad wolf who hunts down those who act a fool within our grounds. I'm the Disciplinary Committee Chair bro, which means I can punish you however I want and there's not a goddamn thing you or your parent's money can do about it. I am very much the definition of not nice."
Katie closed in, her face ever so close so the boy could feel the heat of her blood.
"Now you have two options: You can tell me all I need to know, from nouns on down and we might be tempted to show you mercy. That's not up to me but maybe you can convince me to be your attorney. Or you can lie to me and we can march to the school you decided to martyr yourself for and bust heads until we get the person behind you. Now you get to choose." She bared her teeth and growled.
"And please. Lie to me. I'm begging you to."
How quickly bravado goes out the window when you're tied to a bed and staring into the eyes of a bloodthirsty monster that could apparently read your thoughts. Opening his mouth, the only thing that could tumble forth was the unfettered truth. "I'll talk, I'll talk!"
Akane could only watch in muted awe at the shift that had happened to the guy who was so obstinate yesterday. He was sobbing, actual tears and snot from his nose! "The truth is… the truth is that I was sent by both Mendou and Asuka-sama!"
Katie stopped and cocked an eyebrow. "Both?"
"Mendou and Asuka-sama both decided after Kuno was defeated, that they would try to spread their influence and turn his student body against him. Mendou would win over Furinkan's girls, and Saginomiya would woo the boys… but then Kodachi swept in from nowhere and took her brother's place. No one saw it coming, and Asuka-sama is especially furious… so she forged an outright alliance with Mendou to take Kodachi down."
Katie sighed. "It's really is Tillamook High School all over again. Oh well, at least I have real friends on my side this time."
"I was thinking that this was just Kill la Kill without the fancy-" Akane stopped and looked down at her Hugo Boss school uniform. "-Without the magical school uniforms."
Katie shrugged her shoulders. "I dunno, I bet with enough money we could make a Goku or two.
But that was neither here nor there, as she leaned down over the kendoka. "Anyway fuckboi, thank you for be so forthcoming with your information. As a reward, you won't get beaten up anymore than you already have been, but you will be dumped in front of your school in just your underwear."
Katie pulled out a permanent marker. "So your classmates can get the message."
And that was how a seventeen year old boy wound up tossed onto the front lawn of Tomobiki High School with "I started trouble at Furinkan High School and all I got was my ass kicked and my clothes taken" written in quite legible and accurate kanji for the work of a foreigner.
Suffice to say, when word got out, forces began to mobilize. Three schools were about to have a good ol' fashioned gang war.
A/N: When you start the war, fight with arrows, spears, and swords.