The Legend of Total Drama Island Chapter 25: Twenty-fourth Night (episode 14), a total drama series fanfic

(A/N): As I've noted before, this is a "breather" chapter, an island of comedy in the sea of drama that is The Legend of Total Drama Island (although other chapters, especially the last one, do have their comedic moments).

I answered most of the last chapter's more detailed reviews via PM. I had intended to answer them all (except for guest reviews, which I obviously couldn't), but sometimes life gets in the way. Now that this chapter is up, I intend to correct those oversights.

And now, without further ado, the halftime show.

The next morning, after they had breakfasted, Brett went to school whilst his mother, who had neither spouse nor partner, went to earn their daily bread. That evening, after they had dined and Brett had attended to his homework, Brett asked his mother to tell him more about her experience on Total Drama Island. Brett sat in his favorite chair, and his mother sat on the sofa. She took a few moments to collect her thoughts, and then she began to speak.

Presently, the campers could make out two people standing on the yacht's prow, one dwarfing the other. Duncan was the first to name the larger of the two: a towheaded colossus clad in the colors of the Maple Leafs, he could only be Owen.[01] As the yacht drew nearer, one camper began to silently curse the cruelty of Fate, although he said only, "Aw, man."

Gwen's heart soared even as Cody's sank, for Trent was returning to the island.[02]

Heather turned accusingly to Chris and demanded, "Is this why you were willing to pull strings to keep Gwen in the game?"

"Got it in one," the Arbiter of Fates replied with that infuriating bland smile of his. "Nothing like a good old-fashioned love triangle to spice things up a bit."[03]

Heather sullenly conceded, "Well played."

In the fullness of time, the prodigal sons disembarked and were greeted warmly for the most part, for both were well liked. Trent and Owen greeted their once and future campmates genially in return, although Trent did flash a quick "I'm watching you" sign to Cody.

When Trent came to Gwen, they embraced and kissed with enthusiasm, but not passionately enough to make a scene. When they separated, Gwen asked her beau, "So, how was life at the losers' compound?"

"He can't tell you," Chris answered before Trent could. "Our ex-losers are under strict orders not to tell any of you anything you couldn't learn from methods available here on the island. Any violation will mean immediate re-elimination, forfeiture of any prize money they may have won, and a lawsuit." The host raised his voice enough for all the campers to hear him clearly as he added, "And it's not just on them. We will take a very dim view of any attempts to trick or coerce them into revealing anything. Capisce?"

"You're not usually this uptight about things," D.J. observed. "What gives?"

"The losers in Loserville get to watch not only the finished episodes, but also unedited camera footage from the competition to help them with their votes come finale time. That includes your confessionals. So, yeah, we can't have that getting out."

"Can't argue with that," Heather conceded with feeling. As the genre-savvy strategist, she suspected she would lose more than she gained if the contents of everyone's confessionals and secret meetings became public knowledge.

Trent said, partly to Gwen and partly to the campers as a whole, "There's so much we want to tell you, but as Chris said, we can't. The producers warned us about that before we got on the boat."

Chris led the campers back to the lodge. When everyone was seated, Owen asked, "Has breakfast been served yet?"

"Not yet," the host answered. "Because today's challenge is … The Brunch of Disgustingness!"

The eating challenge, Heather thought with a shudder. We had to get one eventually.

"You'll be getting a nine-course meal," the host explained. "In each round, your team will score a point if each member of your team can finish the dish in a reasonable amount of time. Highest score wins. Each dish might be gross because of its taste, or its texture, or what it's made from, or some other reason. We did not try to arrange them in any special order of grossness, because you probably won't agree on what's grossest or least gross anyway; so you will not know whether each dish is grosser than the last, not quite as gross, or just as gross. You'll only know that it's likely to be … gross.

"As I mentioned before our ex-losers joined us, there will be no elimination. It's all for a reward, and it's a good one. The winning team will spend two days at a local five-star resort where they'll be waited on hand and foot, eat gourmet nosh, be given antibiotics against anything they may have caught while participating in today's challenge, and generally live the life of Riley.

"The losing team will go hungry tonight, and will spend the next two days here, at Camp Wawanakwa … with Chef."

Hatchet waved at the campers and flashed what he thought was an evil-looking grin. He actually looked more psychotic than evil, but that served his purpose—motivating the campers—just as well.

"You have five minutes to choose your team captains," Chris continued, "and then, you'll … have a bite to … eat." He and his aide sniggered yet again.

"Stop doing that!" Heather demanded.

The teams huddled. Gwen asked, "Does anyone besides the usual suspects want to be captain?

No one did, so Heather, a.k.a. Usual Suspect Number One, offered, "How about we just vote on it?"

Courtney, a.k.a. Usual Suspect Number Two, countered, "We could do that, but it would probably be a deadlock. You won't let Katie or Lindsay blow their noses without your say-so, Gwen and Leshawna probably wouldn't vote for you on a dare, and we're obviously going to vote for ourselves."

"Then what do you suggest, Miss Know-it-all?" Heather shot back.

"Remember the phobia challenge, when Chris gave extra weight to how the captains did? He might do something like that here, and we both know my stomach is stronger than yours, so—"

A tremendous belch erupted from the boys' table.

"Good one," Cody said to Owen, who was apparently the culprit.

"That's going to be tough to beat," D.J. said. "Who's up next?" All the boys seemed oblivious to the scandalized expressions of the girls.

"A belching contest?" Heather asked rhetorically. "No way!"[04]

"That's just like, totally gross," Katie declared.

"I can't even!" Lindsay added.

Leshawna shrugged. "Boys will be—"

Another horrendous belch sounded, this one was not quite as loud.

Gwen facepalmed. "Oh, Trent!" she murmured sadly, for it was he who had authored that massive blast.[05]

Katie pulled Heather aside. "It's not like I want to betray our alliance or anything, but if—"

A third thunderous belch erupted, even mightier than Owen's. Heather could have sworn she heard the windowpanes rattle.

"—if Courtney's stomach really is stronger than yours, then maybe she should be captain," Katie finished.

"Fine," Heather replied reluctantly, for she sensed this was a fight she was not going to win. "Courtney can be captain. Now, let's get out of here until the boys finish."

The girls fled the lodge as a fourth horrific belch sounded. Chris started to ask where they were going, but his question died aborning in the face of the girls' glares. "Stay nearby," he commanded. "I don't want to have to come looking for you."

In the fullness of time, Chris summoned the girls and informed them that the boys had christened Duncan as their captain. It had taken four one-on-one "burp-off" rounds for the delinquent to defeat the surprise runner-up, Ezekiel. Courtney stated in response that she would be the girls' captain for reasons which were actually relevant to the challenge.

"You're going down, Princess," declared Duncan.

"Bring it, ogre," Courtney shot back.

"For our starter," Chris announced genially, "from the Whizzo Quality Assortment, produced by a British outfit called the Whizzo Chocolate Company, this is the cherry fondue."

"Uh, Chris?"

"Yes, Cody?"

"Did you say, Whizzo Quality Assortment?" The science geek's face bore a look of unexampled horror.

"Yes, I did. You've heard of it?"

"I've heard of it, but I thought it was just something out of a comedy skit.[06] You mean it actually exists?"

"That's right," Chris replied with that ubiquitous bland smile of his.

Cody grimaced. "Gross."

"Well, if it wasn't gross, we couldn't use it in this challenge, could we?"

Trent eyed his rival warily and asked, "Cody, do you have something to tell us?"

"Trust me," the science geek replied, "At this point, the less you know about it, the better."

"Fine. For now." Trent conceded. Under his breath, the axboy muttered, "Trust you. Yeah, right."

Two interns in objectifying costumes, one male and one female, emerged from the kitchen carrying covered serving platters. Scarlett, her hair of flame teased into a huge, wild mane, was dressed as a Playboy bunny. Her role in the challenge was to wait the boy's table in keeping with the "battle of the sexes" theme. Alejandro, dressed as a Chippendales dancer, would wait on the girls.

As the interns began to hand out the chocolates, Ezekiel could barely keep his tongue in his mouth, and his eyes looked like they were about to pop out of their sockets. "Scarlett?" he stammered. "I thought you were pretty before, but this … Wow, just … wow." The homeschooled farm boy seemed to want to say more, but could find no words.

Scarlett smiled sweetly in response, although her smile did not reach her eyes. "I ought to be annoyed at your focus on the superficial, but I know innocent admiration when I see it, even if it is straight out of a Tex Avery cartoon.[07] Enjoy it while you can, because this isn't my style."

"Don't mind if I do," Duncan quipped, reaching across the table as if to cop a quick feel. Scarlett stopped him with a withering glare.

"Let me tell you what happened to the last man who touched me inappropriately," she said in a seemingly conversational tone as she set out the boys' chocolates. "His name was Topher, and he was a lot like our … esteemed host." Scarlett shot a trenchant glance at the unsuspecting Chris, who would have perished on the spot if looks could kill. "To put it succinctly, a hack here, a falsified record there, and before that little snot knew it, the mob was mad at him for something he didn't do. That was four years ago. He hasn't been heard from since."[08]

Her task finished, the killer bunny[09] withdrew. Duncan said to Ezekiel, "She's all yours, dude."

Oblivious to the exchange at the boys' table, Chris said unto the campers, "You won't get credit if you swallow these whole, for a couple of reasons. First, you could choke to death on them. Second, and more important, it would defeat the purpose of the challenge. There's a time and a place for thinking outside the box, but this isn't it."

The campers braced themselves for a surprise and ate their innocuous-looking chocolates. Leshawna was the first to recover her voice. "That was straight-up nasty!"

Most of the other campers had similar reactions, but everyone managed to eat their candies, so the balance of power remained as it had been. Cody bore his revulsion silently, for he knew there was probably worse to come.

Chris announced, "Now that you've all survived the warm-up round, it's time for the first course that actually counts."

"Seriously?" Courtney challenged. "You made us eat that misbegotten candy impostor for nothing?"

"Not for nothing," the host protested. "It was a warm-up, like I said, to give you some idea of what you're in for. Those cherry fondues weren't quite disgusting enough to make the cut, but we didn't want them to go to waste. 'Waste not, want not', as they say."

"We didn't need a warm-up," the lawyer-to-be insisted. "You know what kind of slop Chef usually feeds us. We've basically been training for this challenge all summer."

"She's got you there," Chef admitted.

"Fine," Chris huffed. "The chocolates count. The score is 1-1. Chef, scratch the fried chicken."

Owen looked aghast. "Y-you were going to defile fried chicken?! The food of the gods? Great horny Catherine, you are evil!"[10]

"Whatever," Chris replied with a dismissive gesture.

The eye candy interns emerged from the kitchen with the second course. Upon reaching their assigned tables, they uncovered their serving platters to reveal …

"Meatballs?" Owen asked rhetorically. "Bring it on!"

"Well, technically, yes, Owen," Chris explained, "but these are kind of special."

"Beef testicles Bourguignon," Chef announced.

"Nuts," Owen lamented, his enthusiasm gone.

"Yes, they are," Chris replied.[11]

D.J. gazed sadly at his plate. "I don't know if I can do this to my bovine brother."[12]

"It's the hardest thing a man can do," Chris observed.

"Yeah, right," Heather later said in the confessional. "Sure, it sounds harsh, but it's nothing compared to what people do to cattle to get steaks. Of course, I wasn't about to tell the boys that. Judging by how they were reacting to the, uh … dish, I knew we could win the round. But then Homeschool had to go and ruin it."

In the lodge, Heather whispered to her henchchicks, "Time for some mind games." She impaled one of her "meatballs" on her fork and bit into it, slowly and deliberately with a wicked grin, the better for the boys to see her flawless white teeth slicing into the tender testicle. Katie and Lindsay followed suit, doing their best to channel their liege's "man eater" attitude. The other girls quickly divined Heather's plan, and likewise followed her example.

Courtney asked, "Chef, aren't these usually served … mashed flat?" Most of the boys cringed.

"Sometimes," Hatchet answered.

Most of the boys cringed again. They did not relish the thought of eating testicles under the best of conditions, and watching the girls made it all too easy to imagine a similar fate for their own family jewels. That, of course, was precisely Heather's intent.

"Come on, guys," Ezekiel implored. "Haven't you ever had prairie oysters? These are basically the same thing, just prepared differently."

Owen looked hopeful, but still wary. "I love prairie oysters! But Chris wouldn't give us something that tasty without tricks, would he?"

Ezekiel sampled his "meatballs" and said, "Tastes fine to me, and the girls don't seem to be having any trouble with it. I'd guess the 'trick' was just telling us what it's actually made from, eh? Trust me, it's a sight better than what we usually get from Chef."

The prairie boy's simple eloquence emboldened Owen and D.J. to sample their "oysters", but the other boys remained unconvinced. "Come on guys, try it," Ezekiel implored again. "It'll put hair on your chest."

"Now that's something I'd like to see," Duncan quipped with a significant glance at the girls, who scowled back at him. Persuaded at last, the scorner of laws took an experimental bite. His eyes lit up, and he quickly finished his portion.

D.J. finished and said, "These are actually pretty good, but I can't help thinking they would go better with a demi-glace instead of a bourguignon."[13]

Owen, Ezekiel and Duncan had finished by this time, so Trent and Cody gave in to the unspoken peer pressure and ate their portions. Trent said, "These aren't half bad. A little strong, though."

"Some people do think that, eh?" Ezekiel admitted.

Chef Hatchet turned to Chris and held out his hand. "Told you it wouldn't faze Farm Boy."

"So you did," the host grumbled in irritation as fake as everything else about him. He reached into his pocket and withdrew his wallet. He extracted a ten-dollar bill and slapped it into Chef's upturned palm. "Someday, I'll learn."

The sexy wait staff distributed another round of chocolate candies as Chris announced, "We're still tied up! The score is now 2-2.

"The third round also comes from the Whizzo Quality Assortment. And yes, I know it's repetitive on the heels of that nasty cherry fondue. You can blame Courtney for that."

Reading from a box top guide, the host relayed, "This is Number Four: Crunchy Frog."

D.J. picked up his chocolate and inspected it warily. "Am I right in thinking there's a real frog in here?"[14]

"Yes, a little one," Chris affirmed.

"Well, yeah, it would have to be little," Courtney observed. "Is it cooked?"

"No."

"What, a raw frog?" the appalled Heather demanded.

Reading from a box insert, Chris explained, "Only the finest baby frogs, dew picked and flown from Iraq. Cleansed in the finest spring water, lightly killed, whipped into a quintuple-smooth fondue and lovingly frosted with glucose."

"Yeah, but it's still a frog," Trent observed.

"What else would it be?" Chris challenged.

"Don't they even take the bones out?" Katie asked.

"If they took the bones out, it wouldn't be crunchy, would it?" Chris answered with his best condescending tone.

Lindsay smirked and said, "Cliff is just trying to psych us out. It has to be some kind of mock frog."

"Mock frog?" Chris repeated with mock incredulity. "The insert clearly states, and very emphatically, I might add, "We use no artificial flavorings or preservatives of any kind."

Undeterred, Lindsay popped her chocolate into her mouth and chewed blithely, with an audible crunching. She swallowed and said, "I think it's an almond whorl."

"No, it is a frog!" Chris insisted. "A crunchy … raw … unboned … real … dead … frog!"

Lindsay giggled. "You're silly. People don't put frogs in candies."

Chris turned helplessly to Chef, who just shrugged his shoulders and said, "Ignorance is truly bliss."

"Yeah," Chris admitted. "I should have gone with the Ram's Bladder Cup instead."

Most of the campers overheard, for the host and his aide had made no effort to prevent it, and Gwen elected to tempt the gods. "I admit I may not want to know the full answer, but how would that be worse than a frog?"

"Mainly because it's garnished with lark's vomit," Chris explained.

"Lark's vomit?" repeated the appalled Leshawna. "You're frontin' me!"

"Would I lie to you?" Chris asked. Before anyone could respond, he hastily added, "Don't answer that. Seriously, though, that's not something I could make up. It says 'lark's vomit' right here in the ingredients list, after 'monosodium glutamate'."

"Eat lark's vomit?" Courtney scoffed. "Not in this reality."[15]

"Whatever," Chris said. "We're on a schedule, so eat your Crunchy Frogs … if you can."

Lindsay's success emboldened the other campers to follow suit. Several softly chanted "Almond whorl … almond whorl" or "mock frog … mock frog" to themselves before ingesting their candies, and most consumed them without incident. Curiosity got the better of Heather, though, and she made the mistake of biting her chocolate in half and inspecting the interior. When she did, she instinctively spat out the part in her mouth. "Holy crap, it is a frog!"

"Told you," Chris admonished. "The boys have all finished their candies; and right now, you're the only one holding the girls back."

Heather sighed. "Um, can I get another one?"

"Sorry, but we only have the ten boxes. You have to eat the one you were given," Chris replied. "All of it."

The queen bee reluctantly scanned the dirty floor for the part she had spat out. She spotted it just in time to see an opportunistic rat dart out from its hiding place, grab the morsel, and scurry off.

"Oh, come on!" Heather cried in frustration.

Chris announced, "We don't have time for a rat hunt, so Round Three goes to … the guys!"

"No way!" Heather protested. "Can't I at least try that Lark's Vomit Cup or whatever instead?"

Chris shook his head. "Sorry, no substitutions. The guys lead, 3-2."

SCARRED FOR LIFE

As Heather stewed, the host announced, "The next dish comes from Café Santropol, a little restaurant in Montreal that's known for strange sandwich combinations."

Leshawna brightened. "Oh, I know that place," said the Montreal-born homegirl. "Some of their sandwiches are straight-up weird, but it's mostly pretty good stuff. Just don't get … the …"

Leshawna looked at Chris, her eyes wide with horror. "You wouldn't," she insisted, her normally booming voice barely above a whisper.

Scarlett and Alejandro brought out plates of sandwiches, sliced diagonally, and set one sandwich half before each camper. "Fromage Hongrois," Chef Hatchet announced.

"Non," Leshawna whimpered.[16]

"What's that in English?" Ezekiel asked.

"Hungarian cheese," Hatchet informed him.

"Cheese!" Owen shouted. "I love cheese! All cheese!" The man-mountain grabbed his sandwich and assaulted it with gusto, taking nearly half of his section with a single bite. He chewed briefly, swallowed, and set his sandwich down.

"I didn't think there was a cheese in the world I didn't like," Owen said calmly. "I've just found one. This is revolting." He appeared to have no intention of finishing his sandwich.

Duncan picked up his sandwich. "I may regret this, but I have to find out what kind of real food Owen can't stomach." He took a bite and set his sandwich down. After swallowing, he remained still, staring into space.

"How is it, dude?" D.J. asked.

Still staring into space, the delinquent replied thickly, "I think my life is flashing before my eyes."

"Oh, please," Courtney scoffed. "It's just cheese. How bad can it be?" She took a bite of her sandwich, then set it down. "Ask a silly question … Chef, what's the actual name of this cheese?"

"The restaurant menu just says, 'Hungarian Cheese'," Chris answered unhelpfully.

"Hmph. 'Hungarian' must be French for 'revolting'," Courtney mused.[17]

"Wimps," Heather sneered. "It can't be that bad." She took a bite, grimaced, and set her sandwich down. "It's that bad," she pronounced.

Curiosity kills campers as well as cats. Except for Leshawna, who was already all too familiar with the fell fromage, every remaining camper succumbed to the urge to find out firsthand what was so horrible about this unearthly cheese spread. None could finish their portions, though.

Ezekiel took a bite, resisted the urge to spit it out, and swallowed. He set his sandwich down, crossed himself and muttered a brief prayer, seeking mercy for his soul.

It is a war movie cliché to have mortally wounded soldiers call for their mothers. Trent's reaction was similar. He would later claim in a confessional spot that he had been exaggerating for the camera, but a poll conducted on the show's website indicated that most of the viewing audience did not believe him. Vomiting at the memory during his confessional had not helped his credibility. [18]

"Okay, gross me right out the door," Lindsay cried with a shudder. "I'll never be able to eat cheese again!"

"And I'll never get to see you again, Gwen," Cody said softly, ineffable sadness in his face.

Gwen rolled her eyes. "Isn't that overdoing it a little? It's not like you're going to die."

"It's not that," Cody explained. "I think I'm going blind."

"How can people eat this crap?" Katie asked, looking like she was in the grip of a hot flash.

By this time, Gwen had sampled her own sandwich, and looked even paler than usual. "Maybe … it's an acquired taste?" she suggested limply.

D.J., who knew his way around a kitchen as has been told of before, took more intellectual than visceral offense. "Don't these people know you're supposed to flavor cheese with paprika, not flavor paprika with cheese?" he demanded to no one in particular. "This cheese spread is blood red! Wasn't that a clue?"[19]

"Rule change," Chris announced, making no effort to hide his disappointment. "Everyone on a team was supposed to finish the dish to score the point, but nobody did, so … time for Plan B.

"Since everyone except Leshawna at least tried their sandwiches, I'm going to give the point to the boys unless she at least takes a bite. If she can finish it, the girls will get the point."

The homegirl turned toward her teammates, horror writ large on her face. "Please don't make me do this," she begged.

"The rest of us did it," Heather replied coldly. "It's only fair that you should."

Duncan rose, with ulterior motives, to Leshawna's defense. "Give her a break," he demanded. "Isn't once in a lifetime enough for this crap?" By taking the homegirl's side, of course, the delinquent was really just hoping the girls could be persuaded to forfeit the point.

Courtney laid a hand on Leshawna's trembling shoulder. "Believe me," she cooed, "I know what we're asking of you, but it's for the good of the team. Sometimes, you just have to take one for the team."

"No, you don't know what you're asking, but … I'll try," Leshawna replied. Tears began to trickle down her face as she braced herself for the ordeal.

The trickle became a stream as Leshawna took a bite and swallowed, with as little chewing as she thought would suffice to get it down. The terrible deed done, she lost all semblance of control, putting her face in her hands as sobs wracked her body.

Many of the other campers were getting a little choked up, too, for it was truly heart-rending to see the normally boisterous and cocksure homegirl so utterly broken. Even Heather, Leshawna's mortal enemy, had to force down a lump in her throat. Even Chris looked like he might be asking himself what he had done, but that soul-searching moment passed when he thought about what this emotional scene would do for the show's ratings.

For long moments, the only sound was Leshawna's sobbing. Finally, Heather spoke.

"This isn't over yet," she observed. "Chris said that we'll get the point if Leshawna can finish her sandwich."

"No," Courtney countered. "Leshawna kept us from losing the point. That's enough."

Heather's moment of pity for her enemy was past and all but forgotten, so she pressed her case. "But Chris said Leshawna's the only one who has to finish. We might not get another chance like that."

"Do you even know how to care about anyone but yourself?" Gwen asked, glaring at her former nemesis. "Look at her!"

"Gwen's right," Courtney added. "Leshawna has done enough."

"Do you want to win this challenge or don't you?" Heather shot back.

"We agreed beforehand that I would be the team captain for this challenge," Courtney reminded the dragon girl, "and I'm making a command decision." Looking Heather in the eye, Courtney repeated, "Leshawna has done enough."

The challenge could not continue until Leshawna composed herself, so Hatchet retired to the kitchen to make what preparations he could whilst the homegirl cried herself out, and Chris sat down by the fireplace to watch the drama unfold.

When Leshawna was finally herself again, Gwen asked, "Shawnee, if it's not too personal … I know those sandwiches were awful, but why did you lose it like that? It couldn't have just been the taste."

"I'd … I'd rather not talk about it," Leshawna demurred hesitantly, unable to meet her friend's gaze.

Heather observed archly, "Well, if they air this without an explanation, you're going to look like a total basket case." The dragon girl was also curious, but felt she had already shown her enemy too much sympathy.

"I'm afraid she's right," Courtney added. "If you have a defense, now's the time."

"Tell us, Shawnee," Gwen urged. "We're here for you. Well, most of us, anyway," she added with a quick glare at Heather.

The homegirl considered her options, and decided that revealing her secret was the lesser evil.

"When I was eight years old, my family went to that restaurant for lunch. It wasn't the first time we'd been there, so I knew they had some good stuff. I made the mistake of ordering … that sandwich. I took one bite and decided I'd rather go hungry than eat any more. My parents … they …"

"They what?" Gwen asked softly.

It was as if Leshawna was fighting to get the words out. "They … they made me finish it. They told me I wasn't getting anything else until I did, even if it took me a week.

"No matter how hungry I got, I couldn't handle more than one bite at a time. That nasty sandwich was all I had to eat for four days."[20]

Gwen whistled in disbelief. "Wow," was all she could say.

"That's just … just … I can't even," Lindsay admitted.

Katie was no less shocked. "I can't believe anyone would do that to their own flesh and blood."

"Believe me," Heather said, "People do worse things than that to their own flesh and blood." None of the other girls responded, sensing more in Heather's words than simple argument. Indeed, Heather herself did not fully appreciate how truly she had spoken, but that is another story for another time.

"You have to understand," Leshawna explained, "My dad's one tight brother with a dollar, because for a long time he didn't have very many. Unless food had actually spoiled, he would not let it go to waste. He also said we should deal with the fallout ourselves if we made a mistake. I ordered that sandwich, so I was the one who had to eat it."

"Those are good attitudes to have," Courtney conceded diplomatically, "but I can't say I agree with his methods."

Chris called for attention, satisfied that the sandwich course had provided all the drama it was going to. "Okay, dudes and dudettes, now that Leshawna has composed herself, it's time for the next course.

"The fifth course is so disgusting that its sheer disgustingness has become legendary. If there was a Disgusting Foods Hall of Fame, this disgusting dish would be a disgusting—"

"We get it, we get it, it's disgusting," interjected a certain irritated Goth. "Do we really have to listen to you work in the word 'disgusting' 23 more times? Can't we just get on with it?"

"Fine," Chris huffed. "But remember, you asked for it. Chef?"

As the campers waited for the hulking kitchen master and his sexy staff to emerge with the fifth course, Cody observed, "So far, the pattern has been to alternate sweet dishes with savory dishes, so this one will probably be sweet."

Trent saw, or thought he saw, where Cody was going. His eyes widening in horror, the axboy surmised, "If it's sweet, disgusting and 'legendary', that would mean—"

"Don't say it," Ezekiel implored. "For the love of God, please don't say it!"

"It can't be," Courtney insisted. "We're all minors! That would be child abuse!"

"As if that's ever stopped Chris before," Gwen retorted bitterly.

Katie's brow furrowed as she struggled with a horrible concept her innocent mind was not meant to understand. "Black licorice?" she asked uncertainly. "But isn't that just one of those stories parents make up to scare their kids into behaving?"

Trent sadly shook his head. "If I'm right, we'll wish we'd been given black licorice. There's one sweet food that's even worse."

"Not that!" Heather whispered as she buried her face in her hands. "Anything but that!"

Scarlett and Alejandro brought the customary covered dishes to the campers' tables, lifted the covers with a flourish, and the campers' worst fears were confirmed. Hatchet announced, "Holiday fruitcake!"[21]

Duncan shook his head. "That's cold, man."

D.J. said nothing, but shed a single tear as he thought, So this is how it ends. Forgive me, Bunny, I've failed you.

The cake, which like any proper fruitcake was slightly less dense than a brick, had been pre-sectioned. When Katie received her piece, she groaned and lamented, "I can't face this alone. Oh, Sadie, why did you have to go?"

"You're not alone," Lindsay assured her despairing buddy. "I'm here. I know it's not the same without Sadie, but we're still BFFs, right? We're still in this together."

Lindsay's solicitous attitude could have been seen as two-faced, given that she had helped vote Sadie off in the first place, but perhaps she wanted to make amends for that. Or perhaps she had truly forgotten the circumstances of Sadie's ouster, for Lindsay's cloudlike mind was where complex thoughts went to die. Indeed, that special form of plausible deniability was a major reason why Heather found the uberbimbo such a valuable co-conspirator, however exasperating.

Owen shrugged and began to eat. Even he could not eat it quickly, though, for it was hard and dense enough to test even his all-devouring jaws. Nevertheless, it surprised no one when he was the first to finish.

When Courtney became the first girl to finish, Duncan suggested that she was able to do so because all the time she spent complaining and arguing and bossing people around had strengthened her jaws to the point where she could handle even a nigh-indestructible fruitcake.

"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak[22]
For anything tougher than suet;
Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak—
Pray, how did you manage to do it?"

"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
And argued each case with my wife;
And the muscular strength, which it gave to my jaw
Has lasted the rest of my life."

Heather and Leshawana eventually ate their fruitcake; but Gwen, Katie and Lindsay could not, despite their best efforts. For the boys, Ezekiel and Duncan eventually succeeded; but D.J., Cody and Trent failed.

Chris McLean, founder of this corrupted feast, called time for the round. He declaimed, "The score remains 3-2 in favor of the dudes. Seriously campers, where did your intestinal fortitude go? You won't get very far in life if you can't eat anything but candy and nuts,[23] and it won't do our ratings any favors, either. You need to suck it up. So to speak.

"Round Six is the main course. Norwegian Blue parrot and moldy, diseased veggies, smothered in fish guts that have been out in the sun for a long time."

Scarlett and Alejandro set before each camper a small bird that looked like a Rock Cornish game hen with a fake parrot head sewn onto the neck, with a crabapple in the open beak. The bird was smothered in a clear, oily sauce with black chunks that could have been mistaken for mushrooms if the beholder's imagination was active enough.

The Lord of the Feast added, "Oh, and if you're wondering about the crabapple, which is rotten, as you've probably guessed, it's there so your parrot doesn't bite you. They can get grumpy when they're pining for the fjords."[24]

"Yeah, right," several campers muttered.

Cody thought, Gee, I wonder where his scriptwriter got that line.

Once I had lakes to live upon[25]
In glory I would swim along—
Once, when I was still a swan.