Prayers
I heard a soft sobbing coming from the room I shared with Dean, small cried mingled with words. I walked in quietly, not wanting to disturb the hunter. The sight I saw took my breath away.
Dean was kneeling beside our bed, his fingers laced and his head bent. His eyes were closed and tears were streaming down his face, his body heaving each time he took a breath.
"Cas…" His voice was a soft whisper. For a moment, I thought that he knew I was in the room. That was until I realized he was praying to me. "Cas, man, I need you. And you're here, I know that. You're here and you're with me and it's more than I could ever ask for. But I know…" Dean paused to take a shaky breath. "I know that you aren't all here." He tilted his head up, his eyes still closed.
"I know being human is hard on you. I know you miss being an angel and I know you feel useless sometimes. Cas, buddy, you gotta believe me. You aren't useless, not one bit. You've saved me, Cas. Not in the way you used to. You saved me by staying here. Being with me."
Tears were now streaming down my face as I listened to Dean, my mouth slightly ajar.
"Please don't ever leave me, Cas." His voice was low and shaky, full of fear. "I can't live without you. If you ever left me I...I don't know what I would do. Cas…" He paused, taking in another deep breath. "Cas, I love you. I need you here. I need you to protect me."
Dean clenched his hands harder and I could see his knuckles turning white. He sobbed, his face falling to the bed.
"I'm broken, Cas. I'm all busted up and I don't know if I'll ever be fixed. But you...having you here makes everything better. You give me hope, Cas. And I can't lose that. Because I don't know what'll happen if…"
I strode into the room, gathering Dean into my arms. He gasped, his eyes going wide when he realized I had been listening. I held him close, wishing I could just put my fingers to his head and ease him out of his pain.
"I know praying doesn't do much good anymore," he said softly, seeming to have calmed down a bit. "But I can't help it. It's something I've done for so long and…"
I shushed him, gently rocking him back and forth, pulling him further into me.
"It's okay, Dean. I'm right here and I'm not ever going anywhere." I kissed the top of his head, listening to the sobs that filled the room. I let him cry. I let him get it out. Finally, he'd fallen asleep in my arms, having knocked himself out. I sighed, pressing light kisses against Dean's head as he slept, gently rocking him back and forth.