Summary: Edward Masen is a single father, ex-con, and an ex drug user. He and his child move to Forks for a fresh start. Bella Swan is a straight edge, young woman. When these two people meet, the attraction is inexplicable. AH/M.
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. Stephenie Meyer and Summit own the right. I just play around with the characters.
A/N: The summer class is almost done. Thank goodness for accelerated summer classes, but it still took up a lot of my time. Forgive me, please. I'm trying to get back to this.
Big thank you to my beta acrosstheskyinstars for cleaning this up. We have a busy summer, but we're pushing on through with this!
Soulmate
EPOV
"The object of a new year is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a new soul."
-G.K. Chesterton
I knew my decision to take Bella with me and Vanessa was a risky move. I was essentially putting her closer to harm, but I had my reasons. I knew Bella and I were slowly slipping away from each other. My past had come back to shake things up, and I was letting it get the better of me. It affected my whole life, every fucking aspect of it, and I was sick of it. I needed Bella, and I'd do anything to make sure she knew that.
Chicago was where it all started for me, and that was where it was going to end. I was going to see James by myself and confront him. It was the best way to move forward. I had to stop running and hiding, because I knew I'd never stop and that was no way to live my life.
Having Bella with me and Vanessa was good. I treated it like a family vacation, which it kind of was. I'd show Bella everything, tell her everything, and hope for the best. In the end, I'd leave them in Forks and go back to Chicago. If I thought I could get away with just putting Bella and Vanessa on the plane, then I would, but I knew airline officials might end up thinking Vanessa was being kidnapped by Bella since they weren't related to each other. I was smarter than that, so I decided we'd all go back, and then I'd get on another plane to Chicago.
My plan was ambiguous at best. I had no idea what I was going to do, really. I had a rough idea, but it wasn't fool proof. I knew it was better to plan decisively rather than to wing it; unfortunately I hadn't been able to really do much else.
Chicago wasn't the only thing on my mind. I knew that in order for me to do anything, I'd have to clear my mind.
Therapy helped. I could speak openly with Mike, and he never seemed to judge me; not that he could since he was a pastor. Oftentimes, I would speak about my frustrations with myself in regards to Bella. I just didn't know how to open up to her. I knew I had to let her in, but it was difficult for me.
"I haven't really opened up to her," I confessed.
"Are you sure? From what you've told me, you've been very forthcoming with your past to her. You've told her about the drugs and the subsequent abuse, your imprisonment and life after release," he said, listing all the general things I'd told them.
"I haven't been specific."
He raised an eyebrow questioningly. "Do you have to go into specifics?"
Yes, because my fucked up past was coming back to haunt me. James was hell bent on revenge against me, which meant if he knew about Vanessa and Bella, then I'd be screwed.
"Yes."
"Then why haven't you?"
The answer was because I was afraid for them. I told Bella about James and that had been enough.
"I've told her some stuff," I amended, "I just wish I had told her sooner."
"No time like the present," he suggested, smiling. "In fact, the longer you wait to tell her anything, the more difficult it will become to tell her anything."
"I already told her I love her," I said, no doubt surprising him. Hell, I'd even surprised myself. I hadn't planned on telling her that when I was in the kitchen, the potential of being overheard, but it just came out. I couldn't help it.
"I think that's good, Edward. I can tell you do love her, and I've learned from experience it's always good to tell the person you love that you do indeed love them."
"If it worked for you and Jessica…"
He chuckled. "Jessica and I are different than you and Bella. What works for us may not work for you, and vice versa. Every committed couple must find what works in the relationship. It may take a lot of patience and hard work, but if it's God's will then it will be done."
I nodded, understanding exactly what he was saying. It made sense to me. Bella and I were still pretty much new to this whole relationship thing. Chances were we'd go through a lot of challenges before we discovered what worked. I wasn't discouraged, though. I was determined to make this work with Bella because I knew if I was ever going to marry and have more children, then this was my chance. Bella was everything to me and Vanessa. We didn't function well without her.
"I'm still figuring things out with me and her. It's not the easiest thing to do," I admitted.
"And yet, it also isn't the hardest thing to do, either," he replied sagely.
Our sessions were becoming comfortable. After a while, I felt like I was speaking to friend and not a pastor/therapist.
Therapy continued during the winter holidays. After Christmas, I had one more session with Mike before the New Year. That particular session centered on my goals for the New Year.
One of my goals was to enroll Vanessa in some preschool classes. Keeping her at home with me or Bree just wasn't good enough anymore. She needed to make friends who were her own age. She was also fully potty trained, and that was an excellent plus in getting her enrolled in classes.
Her first day of school would be on a Friday, the second week of January. The school suggested in letting her have one day to see how it was before she started on a regular five-day-a-week schedule. It would only be morning classes until noon. That way, I'd still be able to play with her before I went to work later on.
My work at Eclipse was good, too. I was able to focus, and for the most part I enjoyed working with Emmett and Rose. They were becoming great friends to me. The New Year was approaching, and although Bella and her friends had plans, we all decided to cancel them; instead opting to spend it the holiday with our significant others. For me, I would be spending it with my family – Vanessa and Bella.
Our New Year celebration was perfect. It was relaxing and full of promise. It was the night Bella and I got closer.
"I got the popcorn. Do you want to help me make the ice cream sundaes?" Bella asked, smiling sweetly. She always asked for my help in the kitchen.
"Sure," I replied as I scooped Vanessa up. I placed her on the table with one of her coloring books and crayons, and then rummaged around the cupboards and freezer.
Bella made two ice cream sundaes and a sherbet for Vanessa. The three of us sat down in front of the TV to watch some of New Year's programs. While Ryan Seacrest introduced another performer, I placed Vanessa on my lap so I could help her finish her sherbet. She was pretty good at feeding herself, but sometimes she had trouble finishing her food. I chalked it up to her not having a big appetite all the time.
Vanessa stayed up an hour past her usual bedtime. She fought to stay awake so she could see the ball drop, but in the end her fatigue won. She fell asleep with her head resting on Bella and her little legs on my lap. I watched as Bella ran her fingers through Vanessa's hair. Moments like these made me feel happy.
"She's growing so much," Bella said in awe.
"I know. I can't tell you how little she was when I met her, and now look at her! She's getting so big," I replied.
"You're enrolling her in preschool classes, right?"
"I am. I'm excited for her."
"So am I," she said, "the preschool teacher went to high school with me."
"What's her name?" I asked.
"Angela Webber. She's very nice. I think Vanessa will like her a lot."
I picked up Vanessa so I could put her into bed. After tucking her in the blankets and placing Ellie next to her, I grabbed the baby monitor and went downstairs.
Bella and I lounged around in the living room. We kept watching TV, but every so often we'd talk about our trip to Chicago. I could tell she was excited to go, and I was happy to have her with me and Vanessa. I listed places where I wanted to take them.
Eventually, Bella fell asleep. It was right before midnight, the New Year. I was torn between letting her sleep and waking her up. My selfishness won because I ended up waking her.
The countdown had begun, and when it got to the halfway point, I leaned down so I was right by Bella. When I heard the 'Happy New Year,' I kissed her. To my surprise, she kissed me back. It was our first kiss of the New Year and it was just as sweet as all the others, but different. This one was full of promise and hope. I could feel her emotions and I shared them. I felt them, too.
"I thought you were asleep," I said as I kissed her forehead.
"Half asleep," she confessed.
"I love you, Bella. Happy New Year."
She smiled before embracing me in her arms. Her warmth was something I had loved about her from the very beginning of our relationship.
"I love you," she said as she kissed me. Her small hands came around my neck, pulling closer.
Before I knew it, I was resting my weight on top of her. My hands were pressed against the leather of the couch; her back was arching, her chest pressing into mine. Everything was happening so fast, and all too soon I came to a realization.
This couldn't happen. Not like this. Not without a plan.
I loved her, and therefore, I would be the responsible one. I stopped kissing her, moved off her body, and exhaled a long, deep breath.
"Edward?" Her tiny voice quivered, and it hurt me to be the cause of her confusion and distress.
"Can I explain something to you?" I asked.
She bit her lip but nodded.
I took in another deep breath, and let it out slowly. "I love you, Bella. It's because of that love I stopped us from getting carried away. Can you imagine what would have happened if we had continued? There are a lot of possibilities, and I still think you aren't ready for them."
She remained silent for a few moments. I could tell she was seriously thinking about my reasons.
"What if I told you I am ready?"
I almost smiled at her stubbornness. She had fought me a few times on our lack of intimacy. Sometimes, I pushed, and sometimes, she pushed our boundaries. Most of the time, things went well between us, but we'd come to a certain breaking point where we could only handle so much. However, that didn't mean that neither of us was ready to take the next step. I felt we still had things to learn about each other before we made an educated decision to do anything else.
"Then I'd find it difficult to believe you," I replied honestly. "I want everything with you, Bella. Don't ever forget that, but I admit the past month hasn't been great between us. There's still so much we need to communicate about. It's hard for me, but I'm trying. I hope you can understand why I can't do anything else with you. I'd like for us to wait."
She sat up and scooted over to me. "It's easy to get caught up in the emotions, you know? I've never felt like this before. I have nothing to compare this to. I'm so innocent, I feel like I'm stupid sometimes."
"Don't even think that. I know this is new for you, Bella. We're learning together."
"We are," she agreed. She kissed me lightly on the cheek and hugged me. I wrapped my arms around her waist and kissed the top of her head.
"You deserve the best from me. I'm trying very hard to do that for you and for Vanessa," I stated.
"I know. I love that about you. You're right, though. We need to communicate more. I know how awful I am at communication. I'm pushy and needy…"
I interrupted her. "And I'm quiet and secretive. We're the total opposites of each other in that regard, but I think this is something we can work at together. I know we can do it, Bella. I promise you this will be our New Year resolution."
She agreed with me, saying our resolution would be difficult but worth it.
After my meeting with Victoria, I tried to put some distance and space between me and Bella. I deluded myself into thinking that if she didn't know anything about my past, then she'd be safe. But, the more I pulled away, the harder it became for us to be us. Our relationship grew a little strained and I had to really re-evaluate my priorities.
In the end, I promised I'd let Bella in more. I had to because it was killing me not to tell her anything. We were together, and that meant we'd have to tackle all sorts of challenges and obstacles. I began to think if we could work on these things together, perhaps we could have the long-term relationship I knew we both wanted.
Bella slept over that night. I didn't have the heart to let her drive home, not in the cold and snowy weather we were having. She and I agreed she would sleep in a guest room. I was tempted to let her sleep with me, but I knew I had ulterior motives. Those motives were fighting to get the best of me, and I just couldn't let that happen. If Bella and I were ever going to get to that stage in our relationship, then I'd want to make it special for her.
The following morning, I found her making breakfast. She was mixing something in a bowl and setting the oven.
"You don't have to do that," I said as I came up behind her. I reached up to the cupboard to grab a mug.
Bella bumped my side playfully and said, "I wouldn't let you starve."
I filled my mug with hot tea Bella had so graciously made. Before Bella, I was a black coffee type of guy, but she managed to switch me over.
"Of course not," I replied, "you're much too nice for that."
She poured the contents of the bowl into a pan, and then glanced back at me. "I wanted to start the New Year of in a good way." She gestured to the food she was currently making.
I looked at the stove and saw the makings of an omelet and French toast.
Bella and I got everything ready, so by the time Vanessa came running down the stairs all I had to do was scoop her up and sit her down at the table.
"Bella!" Vanessa cried, surprised. She jumped up from her seat when she saw Bella. "You're here!" She bounced up and down on the chair, but as soon as I poked her on the arm, she stopped. "Sorry, Daddy," she muttered, looking sheepish.
Having breakfast with Bella and Vanessa was the perfect way to start off the New Year. I made a promise to myself that morning; the way I started off the year would be the way I ended it. I'd do anything to keep Bella and Vanessa with me.
After breakfast, Bella went home to change and get ready for the day. Later on that night we'd all be going to Emmett and Rose's for dinner.
Vanessa and I played outside on her new swing set. Even though it was cold and there was snow everywhere, I just couldn't say no to her. To be fair, I bundled her up until all I could see were her beautiful eyes.
"Daddy?" Vanessa asked.
"Yes, baby?"
"Do I have a mommy?"
That was not something I had expected her to ask me. Vanessa was inquisitive, but I truly never thought she'd ask me about a mommy. When my mom was alive, I had asked her if Vanessa knew about Kate, and my mom had said no. Vanessa never knew about Kate, so I had thought she'd never ask. I mean, how could you miss something if you never had it in the first place? When I really thought about it, I had come to the conclusion it was stupid of me to even think like that. Vanessa watched television, she had plenty of DVD's; she'd come to realize that most children had daddy and mommy.
"No, baby. You don't' have a mommy." That wasn't exactly easy for me to say. I felt torn because she really did have a mother. She just wasn't part of the picture. Better to make things less confusing for her, I thought.
"Will Bella be my mommy?"
Fuck my life.
Shit. How was I supposed to answer that?
"I don't know, Vanessa."
Her face fell and she frowned. "Maybe one day?"
"Maybe one day." I wasn't sure if that was a promise I could make, but I was definitely hoping it could happen.
I didn't keep Vanessa out for a long time. After having that unexpected conversation, I picked her up and took her back into the house, where I proceeded to keep her busy with her toys.
By the time we reached Emmett and Rose's, I was relieved she had stopped talking about a mommy. Thankfully, she got distracted by Emmett who had swooped in to take her from my arms so he could get her a snack and juice. I really just thought he wanted a companion during his snack time.
"Hey, there!" Alice said cheerfully. She and Bella went to greet me. I gave Alice a hug and pulled Bella onto my lap as I sat down on the couch.
"Did you miss me?" she asked, suppressing a smirk.
I rested my hand on the small of her back and smiled up at her. "Of course we missed you."
She shifted off my lap and instead sat down next to me. I picked up her hand and began to play with her little fingers. For a moment, I was lost in my thoughts. Vanessa's question about her mommy still bothered me. I just didn't know how to answer that, and even though I did answer her, I couldn't stop thinking about the unexpectedness the question posed. Children were bound to ask questions parents didn't want to answer, but come on!
Bella must have picked up on my quietness because she asked if I was feeling okay. When I told her I was fine, she frowned but otherwise didn't say anything else. Eventually, I went into the kitchen to check on Vanessa. She was having a fun time with Emmett, eating Cheerios.
After some time, we all started eating and lounging around. Conversation flowed and everyone was enamored by Vanessa. For a while, I had fun. My friends were very good to me and Vanessa, and I was grateful to have such amazingly kind people in my life. At one point, after Vanessa had fallen asleep, Jasper and Emmett engaged me in a few card games.
"How do you like living here, Edward?" Jasper asked as he folded out of our poker game.
"I like it a lot more than I thought I would," I answered truthfully. I explained that when I first decided to move here, my decision was based solely on giving Vanessa a better life. I had never thought I'd like it here.
"Guess Belly changed that," Emmett commented with a snicker.
I suppressed a smile. He was right. Bella changed a lot of things for me.
"It's different than Chicago. My whole life is different now, but I'm happy," I stated.
"We're glad for you and Bella. You guys compliment each other very well," Jasper remarked.
"I don't how you do it," Emmett said. "If I was a single parent, dating Rose…shit, I'd go crazy with all the stuff I'd have to deal with."
Emmett and Mike often complimented me on my resilience. They said I was doing a good job at raising Vanessa by myself while maintaining a relationship with Bella. I, on the other hand, didn't agree with them. I doubted myself on a lot of things when it came to raising Vanessa. Like for example, the question about her mommy. I wasn't prepared to answer it, but I did. I didn't exactly like my answer, although it was too late to change it. Also, Bella and I had gone through a rough patch. We were still trying to go over it, but at least we were working on it.
"It's not easy. Some days are better than others...I just do what I have to do," I said.
"You're doing pretty well," Jasper commented.
We played a few more rounds, talking about other things like work. Emmett was thinking of having open mic nights once every two weeks. I offered to help him with it, which ended up with me having a full set. I was actually looking forward to that.
After playing with the guys, I checked on Vanessa again. She was napping in Emmett and Rose's spare bedroom. When I walked into the bedroom, I was surprised to see Bella already there. She was sitting down on the edge of the bed, looking at a sleeping Vanessa.
"She's still asleep," I observed.
She nodded. "She's had a very fun day."
I walked toward them and stopped to stand next to Bella. I placed my right hand on her shoulder and gave it an affectionate squeeze.
"She'll sleep for another half an hour."
"Okay."
Before she could move, I stopped her. "Bella, I have to tell you something. It's nothing bad, just surprising, I guess."
"What is it?" she asked. She kept looking at Vanessa, but I could feel her posture stiffen. No doubt she was expecting bad news because that was all I ever gave her, for the time being, anyway.
"Today Vanessa asked me if she had a mommy. I told her the truth and said no." I paused to gauge Bella's reaction. She remained silent so I continued. "Kate was never her mommy. She knew my mom wasn't her mommy either, and I just couldn't explain biology to her, you know? I didn't want to confuse her, and I'm not entirely happy with my answer, but I couldn't answer it any other way."
"I think you answered it well. Like you said, it is the truth," she replied.
"There's more," I warned. "She asked if you could be her mommy."
"What did you say?"
"Well, she said that maybe one day you could, and I didn't disagree with her." I was afraid she would be angry. I basically said yes to my daughter that yes, maybe one day Bella could be her mommy. It was a very big maybe I had no right to make in the first place. Surely, Bella would disagree and yell at me for being so stupid.
"I think one day I'd like that, too." Her posture was relaxed. She wasn't angry or mad. She wasn't going to yell at me or call me stupid. Once again, I had underestimated her kindness. She was a woman with a big heart and I was damned lucky to call her mine.
"Maybe one day."
That hopeful promise would be a reality, I just knew it. It had to be our future because I really didn't see anything else for us. Bella and Vanessa were everything to me, and I knew we were everything to Bella.
I took a look at my girls and smiled. These were the moments when I was truly at peace. They were with me and they were safe. Nothing could touch us and we had everything we could ever need, which was each other.
A/N: Little children do understand the concept of family. Vanessa was bound to ask about her mommy. I just couldn't resist throwing in the possibility of Bella being her mommy. But, one step at a time. Some of you have asked about their relationship and when it'll move onto more physical things..umm, next chapter or two. ;)
Till next time
Tina