Chapter 25: "Skein of Akiha"
Thursday, October 31, 2002
"GHHHHHAAAAAHHHHH‼!ǃ"
I wake up with a start. Footsteps come racing to me.
Yumizuka-san.
She quickly shakes me. "Akiha-sanǃ? Akiha-san, are you okay?ǃ"
How do I respond?
I vomit. Right onto the floor.
Too real. That nightmare was too real. It was so real that I forgot that it was a nightmare.
A nightmare of something that nearly became reality.
A nightmare that, had things gone a little differently, could be the reality that would exist now.
A reality that I would have been powerless to stop, had things progressed in that way... because I would be dead, even before Nii-san struck me down.
I try to stop myself from throwing up anymore, but my stomach twists violently inside my body, to resist my resistance. It will empty its contents if I like it or not, and resisting will simply make it lurch harder than if I allowed the vomit to flow naturally. Halfheartedly, I stop resisting it and just wait for it to finish.
By the time I have regained my senses, I see Yumizuka-san has gotten a bucket and carefully guided the results of my emetic nightmare into it. I fall back onto my bed, sweating, shaking, panting. The vile taste of bile offends my mouth. More importantly, the odor of half-digested food is now in the air, thick, pungent, and disgusting.
Possibly of more importance, I recognize that I am somehow in my own room.
...Great. I hope I did not accidentally throw up on anything major...
"Akiha-san... are you okay...?" She lifts a small glass of water to my lips.
My stomach lurches once more. Thankfully, I have nothing left to throw up, so all it does is make me wince and cause one of my hands to move to my stomach, instinctively rubbing as if it's sure that will make the pain go away.
I take Yumizuka-san's glass of water, rinse my mouth out, and spit it into the bucket before I speak. "No, I'm not..."
...The last time I was this sick, actually, I think it was when I found out just what had been happening to Kohaku. I do not get sick very much at all, and if I do, I tend to recover rapidly. This is probably thanks to my other half.
That much suits me fine. I do not like being sick, of course; nobody does. However, unlike everyone else, if Tohno Akiha becomes ill... it may be bad news for a lot of people.
"What happened? The house was dead quiet until your scream pierced the night..." The red eyes of Yumizuka Satsuki look over me, filled with worry and fear.
I begin to think. The last thing I remember... taking care of Nii-san. Eating slightly. Crawling onto his bed. Hugging him. Then... nothing.
"...Yumizuka-san. How did I get here?" I ask her, having caught my breath a little. I rinse my mouth and spit again. Normally, of course, a lady should never spit like this, but I think given the circumstances, it is acceptable, and if not, whoever thinks it is not can just go to hell.
"...Huh? Oh, uh, Hisui said she found you asleep next to Tohno-kun. But she said you appeared to be very fidgety in your sleep and didn't want you to accidentally pull out his IV or monitoring devices, so she had me carry you back here. Uh... does your dream have something to do with your scream?" She looks at me with genuine concern.
"You don't want to know." Believe me, you don't...
"…...That bad?" Her expression deepens, as if she was confirming a great fear.
"Very bad. So bad I want to forget about it. Please get me some sleeping pills, Yumizuka-san. If my mind will not allow me peaceful rest, then I must drug it." I state the only natural solution to this problem.
Yumizuka-san frowns. I can tell she does not like the idea.
"…...Do it. That's an order." I try to firm my tone as best as one can, when they have just had an emetic episode.
"…...Yes, Akiha-san." It comes out reluctantly, but compliantly. She walks back out, with the bucket.
…...I cannot believe that. That... that nightmare seemed frighteningly real...
...Then again, it is a nightmare. A nightmare's purpose is to scare and horrify you. Why they exist, modern science does not seem to know, but I liken it to the brain reminding itself that it still works and is still alive.
After all, if all one can dream of are pleasant things, it is not a dream. It is the afterlife.
If that were the case, then... well, it should have picked something more tolerable to itself than that. And especially to my body. I already feel horribly embarrassed for throwing up, and I can smell it in the air. It makes me gag and makes my stomach convulse weakly again.
I groan, and put a pillow over my face to try to block it out.
...Was that a vision of the future that awaited Tohno Akiha if she had no problems with killing Nanaya Shiki?
A vision of what would happen if my other side had proved that she, the demon, was able to beat him, the demon hunter?
She nearly did. She set plans up so very carefully, I remember that. Nii-san was barely in a condition to stand, much less fight, that night.
Yet somehow, he won.
Why did he win? Simple.
She did not count on the love that Tohno Shiki would have for Tohno Akiha. For though he was born Nanaya Shiki, he identified as Tohno Shiki. He could not become the killer. He could not listen to what his body was telling him as he straddled Tohno Akiha. He could not obey that thought of "kill" that had to have been ripping through every single cell of his body.
She did not count on the love that Tohno Akiha would have for Tohno Shiki. For even though this demon was able to confuse and delude her thoughts, and make her think and act irrationally... her love for him overpowered it all. He could not bring himself to kill her, because he did not identify Tohno Akiha with "Demon." He identified Tohno Akiha with "Sister."
It is why she tried to kill Tohno Akiha, as a way to give him one final, grand, push towards making him into his destiny as a murderer. But even this plan was foiled... by the girl who had stolen him from her. By a ribbon of white silk, and a heart that could take being an emotionless doll no longer, because the love he had shown her restored a sliver of humanity in her.
...A sliver that would learn to grow, with time, as stalactites form within caves.
That is how it all actually ended, of course. But this... was a totally different scenario.
This was a scenario in which Nii-san was no match for her. One where she thought she had killed him.
One where the humanity of Tohno Akiha was gone, and all that walked around was a demon in human's skin, of a darkly beautiful visage and yet repugnantly ugly activities.
It was not a future I wanted to see. But as if my mind just HAS to remind me what day it is–
...Wait. It might still be...
I check my clock.
…...12:26 AM.
…...…...Great.
Today is now the 31st. I sigh and immediately feel dread well up from within me.
Today. One year ago, today. That nightmare that I just suffered through nearly became a reality, a year ago today.
Already, I feel every muscle inside my body tightening. If the nightmare had not caused me to vomit, this state would. I dry-heave a little, but I focus what is left of my mind to try to calm at least while I wait for Yumizuka-san to bring me the medication I requested.
Fortunately, I do not have to wait very long. Yumizuka-san returns with the pills, and I desire to sleep so badly that I swallow them dry. I no longer even care. The next 48 hours will be 48 hours of hell, and if I can remove even eight of them, it will be that much easier on me.
"...Please clean my mess, Yumizuka-san. I am sorry for leaving it. When I am in a better state of mind, I will reward you for it. But not now..." I say with a sigh as I lay back on my pillows once more.
"…...Yes, Akiha-sama." With a halfhearted sigh, I can hear her begin to get to work, and gag every now and then.
I do feel bad about vomiting like that, truly. But I want to spend as little time as possible here.
Before long, the pills work their magic. My mind empties itself of thoughts, and I fall into a deep, dreamless sleep.
All too soon, I reawaken. It is now just after 7 in the morning. With a sigh, I head to the shower. I am certain my body smells unpleasant by now. I note there is a small stain where I had thrown up; some tinges of brown. It means there was likely flecks of blood inside of it.
...I would not be surprised.
I gather clean clothing and, as a sort of mental reassurance, look over my nude form in the mirror of my bathroom. Yes. Still Tohno Akiha, including the injuries that have healed.
I shower until the water turns too cold for me to deal with. Another half an hour killed.
I then re-dress in my usual outfit and walk outside to my patio. The sun is only beginning to rise. The start of a long day that I want to end now if I could.
How I wish it would go back down... or just explode. Then, at least, in eight and a half minutes, I will be vaporized by infinitely hot fire. It is just as good.
...Then again, even if the sun exploded, by the time I saw it explode, I would be nothing but a skeleton, and moments later, vapor.
A light tapping at the door to my patio before it opens. Hisui.
"Akiha-sama, good morning." She bows and speaks in a calm, gentle voice.
"...I wish it were, Hisui," I sigh listlessly.
"Well, I know something that might cheer you up, Akiha-sama." A light smile is on her face.
"...And what would that be, Hisui?" I ask, my voice already rising, as if to let her know my mind is absolutely desperate for nearly anything to divert it from this line of thought.
"Shiki-sama has awoken."
Hisui is smart. She begins to move aside as she speaks, because she knows by the time she is done I will be running for my door. It is perhaps for this reason that I do not run right into her.
The footsteps of my boots clomp down the hall as I run with sudden, newly found energy and vigor to Nii-san's door.
I knock on it.
"Yeah... come in, Akiha..." It's drained, but unmistakably his.
I enter slowly, and look at him. He smiles back at me, a little sign of happiness and contentment across his otherwise war-weary face.
"...Nii-san. How are you feeling?" I shut the door behind me. My voice, and my body, tremble slightly.
I already know how I'm feeling. Thousands of thoughts enter and leave my head just as quickly. Part of me is relieved to know he is alive and can speak. Part of me wants to yell at him for the next hour about how he should stop doing things for that damn Churchwoman and just stay here, where he can be happy and safe. Part of me wants to kill him myself for continuing to put me through this hell.
…...But Tohno Akiha chooses instead to be just glad that he is okay. The middle option is useless due to Nii-san's abilities, and the latter is obviously out of the question. As long as there is a scrap of humanity inside Tohno Akiha, she will not kill Nii-san. The day she does so, is the day Tohno Akiha ceases to exist in all but name.
"Stiff," he says as he shifts slightly. "But I'll live. Hisui brought me up to speed a little bit about the last week."
"Well, the last week has not been too bad, generally... although it is not over yet, and it will not be until–"
"Akiha, jeez, you're still beating yourself up over that..." He cuts me off by laughing weakly, and then grimaces. "Ow."
"N-Nii-san, don't do things that could tear your stitches!" I race over to the bed and gently place my hand above the stitches in his side. They have, fortunately, not torn.
"Nah. They're in there pretty tight. You did good on them, Akiha." He manages a smile.
His body, while feeling drained of energy, is warm. I can also feel the light muscle tone just underneath the skin.
…...I cannot help but blush at having felt them, as well as Nii-san's praise, and sit down on the foot of his bed.
"She also told me that you brought Yumizuka here?" He looks to me. His eyes say, "I want to know more about this."
"...Yes. I was taking a walk to clear my head, and she found me somehow... we got to talking, one thing led to another, and she agreed that in exchange for helping out here, that I would give her room and board. She's taken to it surprisingly well." I summarize roughly the last week. "She has proven herself to be surprisingly eager to help out, even when she is not explicitly asked. Is... she the type who would do this as a human, too?"
"Helping? Yeah, I guess that was kind of in Yumizuka's nature." He sighs. "I just wish I'd realized how she felt about me sooner. I could've done something about it..."
"...Eh? What do you mean? She did mention she felt she was in love with you..."
"…...I think she's been in love with me for some time," he concludes. "I never really realized it, though... I mean, I never even really thought about her until when she vanished a year ago, and only then did I realize how important she is to me. I don't know if I could face her..." A look of worry crosses Nii-san's face.
…It is not a look I like to see him have. I want to see Nii-san smile.
"...Nii-san. Yumizuka-san would have made a great companion for you if you were still single." That is, if I did not make an even better one...
"Eh...? Why do you think that, Akiha?" He blinks, his eyes a forced gray by his glasses.
"From talking to her... she does not mind any of your flaws at all. In fact, she rather believes that they are what make you who you are, Nii-san. Unconditional love... even I could not easily provide that, I think..." Without realizing it, my voice trails off and I burrow deep into thought.
Of course I still want him. I always have. Ever since that day where he saved my life with his, I thought that the boy, who at the time was simply called "Shiki" by Otou-sama, was who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
Back then, it was just a simple, innocent girl's love. She thought she could hug him, and kiss him on the cheek, and that would be all it would take to have perpetual happiness in her life.
…...But real life does not work that way, as she found out nine years ago when it all went down to dust.
Tohno SHIKI died, and Tohno Shiki survived. It sounds strange verbally, but it is the reality of the situation. But yet, despite that...
…...…...The girl continued to desire him.
Wanting to have him, totally for herself. Even as she grew up by force. Even as she had to go from being a quiet, shy, timid girl to someone who could rule a house with members and branches that span the world.
…...Then, the girl died that day too, right?
After all, death of the self occurs when one goes through a change in life that is incompatible with the old self. In order to continue living, a new self-identity is required to be forged. Without this, the person cannot successfully adapt, and if they cannot adapt, Nature's laws dictate that they become extinct.
So Tohno Akiha adapted to her new way of life. It changed her forever. The Tohno Akiha that exists now is anything but quiet or shy. She is the type who will make her thoughts and words known, immediately and sharply.
…...But Nii-san can still occasionally turn her into the quiet, shy girl she truly still is at her core.
A person can adapt to circumstances, but some parts of their personality are simply born into them. These things are impossible to change. I do not know if there is a word or a name for this "core principle," but I would say that mine would be duality, or perhaps conflict.
For Tohno Akiha is made of two selves. These two selves constantly create struggle in her, as one side seeks to gain advantage over the other.
Right now, the adult side of Tohno Akiha is wanting to yell at him for what he did.
…...And the child side of Tohno Akiha is wanting to simply hold him, and feel him, and never let go.
But even though he's only been here for a year, Nii-san knows me too well. He knows what I am thinking.
"...Akiha. I do love you, you know." With some effort, he sits up and embraces me.
"N-Nii-san?ǃ" It is all my shocked mind can say, as he gently pulls me back down with him. "P-Please take it easy, Nii-san! Y, You don't have to do this...!"
"I do love you. It's just... not that kind of love that you seem to want. But I do love you. I don't want you to change a bit, Akiha. Because what Yumizuka-san thinks about me, and my flaws, and how they make me, me... that's what I think about you. Akiha isn't Akiha if every so often she doesn't get on my case about something." He smiles, a true genuine smile.
"Nii-san..." I can feel the blood surging to my cheeks.
...Damn it. How can I stay mad at you when you say things like that...? You know such words are my weak point... and that I am absolutely unable to defend against them when they come from you...
"So don't change, okay? Keep being who you are. That's the Akiha I love. Anyone else is just an imitation." I feel his lips press into my cheek.
Warm.
Soft.
…...A burning desire to feel them in other places on my body fills my being.
I blush at that. Wanting to feel his lips on other places... my neck, my shoulders... my breasts... my feet, my legs...
…...Between my legs...
...But no. Nii-san loves me, but not in a sexual way. We both say it is because we are brother and sister, but in reality... I do not think that matters to us. We are brother and sister only because that is how we choose to associate the other. In reality, we have no such blood relation, and indeed, in practice our blood should never mix, because the one from the other side is the "enemy."
…...But I do not care about that. Nii-san is the only male I can see myself doing that with. Are there others out there? Perhaps, but I have yet to meet someone like him, and without being like him, I doubt I could ever be that way with some other male.
…...And even then, in his condition, his body could probably not handle it. From what I have read, sex places enormous physical strain on the body. As ridiculous as it sounds, there are reports that some lapse quickly into unconsciousness almost immediately following the act.
I fail to see how. A feat like that is akin to running a marathon, yet such an act takes hours. Obviously, I have no experience here, but a sexual act cannot be that long... perhaps ten or twenty minutes?
...Still, they would be among the happiest ten or twenty minutes of my life, if they ever happened. But they will not. Nii-san loves Kohaku in that way, and I do not think Kohaku would be very happy with him, or with me, if he did that. Whether she was a servant in my home or not, Kohaku still had feelings... well, she did after Nii-san and I fought. It is why I realized this house was toxic to her and let her leave.
"Akiha. Thanks for taking care of Yumizuka." Nii-san's voice startles me out of my thoughts.
"...It is nothing, Nii-san. She did not wish for her fate to befall her, and I can empathize..." I explain.
...After all, who better to tell one how to become a human again than someone who also seeks it, no?
"Yeah, but you didn't have to. But you figured maybe it would help her and me, huh?" He smiles a little.
"Ah..." …...Nii-san is not incorrect...
...More importantly, he smiled, and I feel heat surge throughout my being as a result.
I did do it partially for them both. Yes, I did feel a desire to help her due to her situation. Being alone for a year, and worse, having to forsake your entire family to do so... that is an injustice I would scarcely wish on even my worst enemies.
Family, admittedly, is one of the few things that everyone in this world starts with, but does not necessarily end with. My immediate family is dead. The people I associate with "family" now are Hisui, Kohaku, and Nii-san. They have become my family, in lieu of an actual family, for my actual family are thoroughly aristocratic, and gatherings are more like business meetings than families enjoying days in the park, simply having a good time.
...Perhaps that is a reason I like Nii-san. He can be so simple that even I wonder how he can be so simple at times, and yet... that is part of his charm. He is so able to be himself around me that I find myself being more like that little girl named Tohno Akiha, and not the young woman named Tohno Akiha.
"That's one of the things I love the most about you, Akiha," he says as he smiles. "You're a wonderful sister." I feel his squeeze tightening just a little.
…...I cannot help but blush deeply at hearing his praise. It is almost more than I can bear.
Plus, feeling myself in his arms... feeling his body's warmth... feeling my own heat growing inside of me...
…...I realize I am starting to breathe quicker. No, I can't do this. I want to, but I can't. Not while he is injured, and certainly not without Kohaku's approval, no matter how much my body tries to convince me that it would be perfectly acceptable to do it.
"I... It is nothing..." I manage to say, as I pull myself away from him, forcing the desire out of my mind to collapse back into his arms as hard as I can. It is not unlike walking on hot coals – doable, but if one does it wrong, they will get burned, for they are going against a thing they know they should not meddle with.
He laughs. "That's just like you, Akiha... if someone complements you, you get really shy. Uh, by the way... I hate to do this, but can you please have Hisui bring me something to eat and drink? I'm famished..."
...O... Of course he is! He last ate perhaps several days ago, and his body is trying to heal...!
"Y... Yes! Of course, Nii-san, just hold on." I quietly stand up, bow respectfully, and leave his room.
Once I do, and am out of earshot, my walking turns into a run.
I will do more than merely bring him some food.
I will make it myself!
Nii-san still needs me. Nii-san still depends on me.
And I will be there for him, forever, in life and in death... and beyond.
I will never let you go, Nii-san... never...
Next Week (11/28/10) – Chapter 26: "The Way to a Man's Heart..."