**Notes: Okay folks, this will most definitely be the last update for a little while ... possibly until May; I'm going to be busy with projects and travel, but I promise I'll pick this up. I'm also going to do a quick audit of the past three chapters and spruce them up because I know they're not at their strongest. I'm mostly just excited to move on to the next part of the story but had so much to cover before I got there ... thus the very long chapters. Anyway, hopefully this doesn't disappoint. I'll invest a little more time in making better when I can.**
For Shore
The weather turned quickly. Billowing clouds, gray with the weight of water, gathered in the sky to form a thin blanket over the sun. Fujin watched them in silence, her mind floating along with them as the world rotated on its axis, the sky seeming to shift in a different direction than their car was traveling—it made her dizzy.
Rivulets of rain streamed down the windshield. The force of the wind scattered them to the side in twisting streaks that spat in through the window she'd cracked; an attempt at ridding the cab of the car from the heat of breath and body that was steaming up the glass.
All signs pointed to it being a fleeting storm. The sun shining through the rain made her confident it would clear within the hour. But a frown formed on Seifer's statuesque face at the prospect of it ruining their seaside day trip. He thrived in warmth and sunlight, and valued the opportunity it gave him to get things done. Most people wouldn't know it, but Seifer was very goal oriented, it's just that his goals just weren't always grounded in realism … which often meant that when he didn't meet them his temper took hold. She supposed there were some things people never grew out of.
He'd been intent on sitting outside in the fresh air with her and having a conversation, away from the hotel where they didn't have much privacy and felt guilty for requesting it. At the moment, he was probably thinking he could make due with parking on a bluff somewhere and watching the sea from the front seat of the car. But Seifer always doubled-down on things, even when the outlook wasn't good. It was more likely they'd sit outside in the rain anyway and he'd begrudgingly bear with it and probably hate every second of it.
Still, Seifer's disappointment at the weather was mild compared to how he'd normally be. He'd been in a fairly relaxed and carefree state after what they'd gotten up to at the hotel this morning, after Raijin left for a run and she'd found herself missing the feeling of Seifer everywhere. Of being with him and feeling alive. She'd caught him by surprise, and it wound up being unrushed and soft—the day too fresh for rigor and Seifer too pleased with the sunlight to not savor what it offered. He'd swept her up afterward, warm and sweaty and smelling of last night's sleep, and muttered a laughter laced 'well, good morning to you too,' before heading to take a quick shower. It was the stuff of dreams—things she used to imagine, and never thought would be real …
Unlike Seifer, Fujin loved rainy days. The soft light from an overcast sky was much gentler on her eyes and skin than the burning sun, which was too much for her to bear sometimes. A summer day was something she'd learned to love over time through him, not something she inherently chose to love. Raijin, on the other hand, was a bit like the both of them—loved the sun and rainy days, though Fujin always knew he was more relaxed on rainy days spent with her over the years than their summer beach excursions with Seifer. Raijin told her once under the cone of silence that Seifer's constant showboating drove him crazy—a comment he took back later that same day after suffering a harsh glare from Fujin, who didn't need him to vocalize it anyway; she felt Raijin's displeasure in the same way she could feel Seifer's … the only difference was that she paid closer attention to one than the other.
As Raijin popped into her mind, Fujin couldn't help but feel a little badly for leaving him behind without warning today. She and Seifer had been wrapped up in themselves and hadn't been very good friends to him lately, but Seifer seemed to need the freedom to not take it into consideration today—a relationship need, and a not a friendship need. So she complied with his grand scheme of sneaking off in the early morning without showing her hesitation. As they drove along the winding road towards the Galbadian coast, she couldn't help but feel guilty and think of how much Raijin would've loved to spend time with the two of them on this little road trip, trapped in a tiny car with the oppressive steam of summer. The heat from a third body would've forced them to roll the windows down and blare their music to hear it over the storm—they'd get charged for soaking the seats of the rental car, but they wouldn't care; Garden got a discount, even when paying for breaking the rules.
The thought smacked of nostalgia, and made her yearn for when her only concerns were Seifer's too fast driving and the rank smell of Raijin's sweaty feet propped up on the dashboard. With all that was happening as of late—this thing between her and Seifer taking off and the quiet rift it created, her heritage found out, Pandemona, and Edea Kramer being revealed as the sorceress—Fujin wasn't sure the three of them could ever go back to that time at all. It slipped away from them gradually with each passing day. Though the three of them were immersed in one another's lives for years, Fujin never realized that they were growing individually all that time … she hated that it happened, and hated that she hadn't noticed it.
The warmth of a golden hand squeezing her just above the knee made her remember that good had come of it too. More than good—the thing she'd always wanted. It was hard to stay steadily angry at the loss of youth when time was what was required to usher in a new era that she was very much excited about, even as the weight of the mission kept her happiness anchored.
The mission was what was making her like this—reflective on the past and the onslaught of change they were facing. Specifically yesterday, when she saw the sorceress and that strange feeling overcame her. Despite her exhaustion, Fujin tossed and turned all night—that deep, black feeling clawing at the inside of her skull. While Seifer slept peacefully beside her on their makeshift double bed, Fujin laid flat on her back and stared up at the ceiling, thinking about death.
It wasn't exactly unique to the sorceress experience—the topic started to grace her mind more often once she passed her exam and was admitted to SeeD, when putting her life on the line had suddenly become a reality and not a training exercise. Fujin wasn't ruled by any particular faith so she supposed any of the current running theories, like her soul going to be with Hyne or resting with the old gods of war, could be plausible. But logically, if she couldn't remember there being a time before she was born, how could there be something beyond living? How could she could be here one minute, and the next just be gone?
Death was horrifying to think about, and she'd admittedly spent a couple of panicked nights in her dorm having an existential crisis this year—her own pragmatic mind causing a deep inconsolable turmoil at the fleeting fragility of life. And here she and her friends were, standing on the edge of the imaginary unknown, tilting forward and daring a strong wind to push them.
Fujin wondered if she'd been transported into some portion of that unknown space when she saw the sorceress—to that blank, dark spot where souls resided before they materialized, and then returned to in the end. She didn't get a feeling of recognition there at all—not an ancestor, any of their SeeD friends who had died on missions already—there was just nothing; not even a floor to plant her own two feet on.
Lying snug under her blankets last night, Fujin was struck by a deep grief. If that nothingness was what she thought it was, then she was forever changed—she couldn't fathom not being with Seifer and Raijin on every journey; she didn't want to be in a space where Seifer wasn't; where Seifer, and history, and memories of the world didn't exist. And then there was the other reality that her mother's own soul seemed to be trapped in a nebulous space too…
"Damn rain," Seifer scoffed from the driver's seat as they rounded a bend. He removed his hand from her leg to flick the windshield wipers up to a higher speed, sending the light rain flying from the glass in sheets. "The glass is all fucking foggy."
"That won't help. It's on the inside." Fujin leaned forward, running a finger along the glass and taking a film of moisture along with it, revealing a thin line of a clear view of the road. "Maybe roll down you window." Seifer glanced sideways at her and grimaced.
"And get wet like you are? No thanks." Fujin shrugged, and turned her attention back to her own window, her eyes following Galbadia's flat landscape and falling on a crumbling structure in the distance.
"What do you suppose that is?" She asked, rolling down her window just an inch more to get a better view.
"What?" Seifer craned his neck a little to glance out her clearer side of the windshield, and then begrudgingly reached over to roll down his own window a hair, muttering curses under his breath all the while. "Oh, that. That's the Tomb of the Unknown King. You've never seen it?"
"No," Fujin shook her head and turned towards him. "I'm surprised you know about it, though. Did you guys come out this way before heading to Timber or something?"
"Nah. I guess I forget that Raijin and I have spent a little more time roaming around Galbadia than you have." When Seifer saw evidence of his side of the windshield clearing up with the admission of some air, he rolled his window down just an inch more. "I've heard a lot of the cadets in the classes ahead of ours talk about it. They say there's an ancient GF inside of there somewhere, but that it's a pretty dangerous place to go." A devious smile formed on his lips as he nodded in the monument's direction. "Wanna go find out? Steal the spirit of a king? At least we'd be out of the rain."
"No thank you," Fujin shook her head and crossed her arms over her chest. "I have plenty of GFs as it is. I don't need another one." It was a half-truth; she was more concerned about taking the extra risk.
"Who says you'd get to keep it, huh?" The sly smile stayed in place as he reached out to tickle her ribs.
"Stop. You know I hate that." Fujin squirmed and chuckled involuntarily as she edged away from him. "And you hate GFs."
"Good point." Seifer turned his full attention back to the road as they moved closer to his intended destination—a craggy cliff at the continent's edge. The car rolled to a slow stop, the brakes emitting a low squeal as they stilled the tires in the rain. "Let's just park here for a bit, see if this clears up."
Seifer unbuckled his seatbelt and readjusted his seat to give it more of a lean, before resting a hand on her thigh again. A contented sigh escaped his chest, as his eyes settled on the rolling ocean waves in the distance.
"Now this is more like it." He squeezed her leg, his voice light with relief. "Just us. No Deling. No Caraway. No Raijin. No Rinoa. Hyne, I was starting to feel like everything was a little outta control for a minute there."
Fujin murmured in agreement and placed her hand over his, unthinking, and leaned back against the headrest of her seat, her gaze shifting to the coastline. She hated to admit it, but she still felt a little nervous around him at times—a small part of her questioned whether or not he wanted the same old Fujin or that different, more feminine and romantic version of her that appeared every now and again. She wasn't sure she was consistently capable of that.
"So …" Seifer shifted in his seat, readjusting his shoulders in that way he did when he had something important to say. "There's uh … something I should tell you." Fujin turned to find staring straight ahead towards the ocean still, but his fingers were fidgety against her leg—he was battling some of his own nerves too.
"Last night, when we were at the Gateway and you were telling me about Cid's wife …" He pivoted to meet her gaze, being more thoughtful than normal with his words. "And you were talking about how you didn't really trust yourself in this. I didn't realize it until it was happening, but I started to … exploit that. To try and get you to leave Deling."
Exploit—a nefarious term in any context, but within the vernacular of the Garden system, spectacularly so. Exploiting was something they did to an enemy or a source, to further their mission. A tactic they used to get the information they needed and results they wanted by leveraging information over someone. It worked well, especially on the weak … especially on the emotionally compromised. And it had worked especially well on her.
Fujin already knew that he'd used his training on her. Not at the time, when they were facing each other in the Gateway and his low raspy voice rang out a concern that seemed well-placed. But afterward, on the walk home and lying in bed as he drifted off to sleep and she laid awake beside him; she mulled the evening over in her mind in search of an essential truth behind his quick change of heart. Hell, maybe I'm jumping the gun here, he'd told her, with a hand still against her face, tenderly leveraging affection. Since when did Seifer ever easily admit to wrongdoing?
Fujin should've been furious but in the hierarchy of shit they were dealing with, Seifer being his usual self ranked fairly low on the ladder. He used his friend's devotion against them more often than he realized, but the thing is … Seifer wouldn't be a good solider if those tactics weren't built into his DNA … and neither would Fujin. It was Garden's training applied to all aspects of their lives.
It was hard to fault him for something that was just as much a part of her as it was him—they were perfect soldiers, and there were consequences that came with that. So, she couldn't blame him—even if it meant Seifer intentionally identified a weakness in her and took advantage of it; even if it meant she'd been handled by two men in one night. The terrible truth about it was that it more unsettling to know she had something to exploit, and how easy it was to identify. It was evidence of her own true weakness right now.
"I didn't even really realize I was doing it until it happened," Seifer continued, her silence causing him to shift awkwardly in his seat and swallow a lump in his throat. "And then it was just … happening. But I stopped when I—"
"Seif, it's fine, there's so much more to worry about right now." Fujin sighed and gripped his hand tightly. She didn't think he'd admit he did it though, much less feel guilt about it—an emotion he didn't wear often. "I know you don't want to be here. I know you don't want me involved in this. I know it's not … an ideal spot for you to be in, taking orders from me. You haven't fooled me—it's not a secret."
"Yeah, but I shouldn't be doing that. Not to you." Fujin shook her head at him, and then turned to look out the window.
"I shouldn't be letting you do it. I'm in my own head. I just can't stop thinking about the sorceress, and my mother. I—" She stopped herself, and removed her hand from his, crossing her arms over her chest to combat the chill that was setting in from the cool air.
"Listen, I actually need to tell you something, too. While you were in Timber and I was conducting my research, I found …" She didn't want to tell him, for fear this entire thing they'd started would come crashing down. But she had to—she couldn't live with the thought of her mother's sorceress spirit being released one day, potentially releasing whatever hold it might have on Seifer along with it.
"Sorceresses apparently have this power over people—a magnetism, of sorts. It proves to be … well, really effective on men. With Caraway acting strangely towards me and a few other things that have happened … the guy at the bar a few weeks ago…"
Laughter erupted from Seifer's side of the car before she could finish—a low raspy chuckle that she recognized as him thinking she said something utterly ridiculous.
"Is that what's been eating you?" His free hand found her face, touching her chin so that he could look into her eyes, with a grin spread across his face. "You think the sorceress in your brain bewitched me?"
"It's possible." She found his humor at the topic more offensive than him trying to manipulate her. "Everything else's been true so far. What if it's causing what you're feeling … or part of it… and it disappears when she's gone? If she's ever gone."
"Yeah, but Fujin—come on." Seifer tried to stifle his laughter, reading her irritation. "This thing between you and I started years ago. Pandemona's only been around for a few months. I mean if it's true, the worst it could've done is expedite things…." A smirk played on his lips, his eyes softening. "Which I'm not mad about because we're having a lot of great sex."
"Cut it out. I'm being serious." Fujin shoved his arm away.
"Hey, so am I." She crossed her arms over her chest and groaned as he continued to chuckle.
"What? It just doesn't add up. The only way what you're saying makes sense is if sorceress powers were passed down genetically. I know you're from some sort've long line of sorceresses, but considering we've never seen you float, or disappear, or do anything too spooky—"
"Long line of sorceresses?" Fujin turned to him, perplexed. She found Seifer staring back at her, wide-eyed and eyebrows raised at revealing something he shouldn't have. "Where'd that come from?"
"Uh …" He deflected her gaze, turning away from her and tapping his fist down on the steering wheel. "Shit. From the file Cid gave you on your mother … which I wasn't planning on talking about until this was all over and we got back to Garden."
A long line or sorceresses? Did that mean that she had powers … and did that mean they were more potent? Fujin had been intentionally keeping rational thought a safe distance away from this new space in her life, where Seifer magically loved her out of the blue and she was happy to be a dreamer, right along with him. But it sauntered in to her mind now, an unwelcome guest whispering I told you so's. She knew there had to be a reason Seifer felt this way about her. She knew it couldn't be real.
The rain continued to fall, echoing a muted metallic cacophony as it dashed against the glass and the body of the car. Seifer was talking to her in a rushed voice, his hand back on her knee and his body craned towards her to get her attention, but she couldn't hear him above the sound of the storm and her own cruel thoughts; a steady reverberation of all the reasons she never approached him over the years. She remembered the morning they departed from Dollet, and how she'd wondered if this thing with him had all been a dream, as the nautical wind stung the spots where his unshaven face had chaffed her own—she didn't think it could be real. And maybe she was right. What do you do when you have everything you ever wanted … but it slips through your fingers like sand? Fujin didn't want to know…
Such unbearable sorrow awaits you … Fate is a wicked thing, she thought to herself, recalling the words from her mother that echoed in her head at the library, when the wind overtook her. It's you. It's us. Maybe this is what she'd meant.
Everything was spiraling out of her control, shrinking in and down on her. Fujin tilted her face towards the open window, her hands rushing to roll it down more but fumbling, as she tried to take breath deep enough to fill her lungs. She needed to breathe. She needed the wind.
She didn't notice Seifer move; she didn't hear him opening his car door or see a flash of him walking towards her. One minute, he was beside her and the next he on the outside of the passenger's side door, prying it open and pulling her to her feet as the seaward wind whipped around them. The prospect of his insincere touch made for a painful deliverance.
"It's not true, what's going through your head right now. Just stop thinking it; because it's not fucking true." He placed a single hand on the small of her back and pushed her forward towards the bluffs. "Let's walk a little. The rain's letting up."
"Why didn't you tell me?" Fujin ignored his observation, still struggling to take a deep breath.
"You said to tell you anything that was relevant to the mission. It wasn't relevant."
"Isn't it?" She snapped unintentionally. "Who knows what a sorceress bloodline means, and the impact … Just look at you and Raijin." She started to laugh at the absurdity of her two friends quietly shading each other over the past couple of weeks.
"What's it matter? Even if it is true, it's genetic. Like eye color, or … handedness."
"Handedness?" Fujin scoffed, insulted at his simplistic comparison. "You know that's not the same thing." Seifer grimaced.
"You're over-thinking it. I'm not worried, and you shouldn't be either. You're smarter than this." He countered, as they reached the edge of salt slicked rocks overlooking the water. He tugged off his coat and tossed it on the ground, offering a dry spot to sit and motioning for her to take a seat. "Now sit down—we're gonna have a nice fucking morning, and you're going to relax and we're going to talk about something else."
Seifer plopped down on the ground and dragged her down with him, forcing her to settle between his legs as he wrapped his arms around her waist. He'd been wrong about the rain letting up, and she'd been right about his double-down stubbornness to sit outside in it anyway. He wiped his face before placing his chin just above the crook of her neck.
"Wouldn't this be a nice spot to live?" He whispered against her ear, nodding out at the ocean as he forced a new topic. "No one around for miles, just a quick drive to Deling."
"What else did it say?" Fujin commanded, ignoring his attempt at casual conversation.
"Come on, I don't wanna—"
"What else?" He groaned, muttering a low fuck under his breath before tightening his grip on her.
"That she was executed at the directive of Adel herself," he sighed. "For handing details about Lunatic Pandora to the Galbadian army. That's all though … you know everything else already."
"Lunatic Pandora? Odine's Lunatic Pandora?" Fujin pivoted to face him, her eyes narrowed. "And you didn't think that was relevant?"
"No … I did." Seifer was studying her face, reading the furrowed lines to judge how angry she was. "You've been through a lot. I wanted to give you a minute to catch your breath."
"That's not your decision. If it's relevant to the mission, you tell me about it. Hyne, Seifer. How many times do we have to do this?"
"Hey, ease up will you? This is new for me too … I'm really trying here." There was a pleading in his voice that struck a nerve in her, drumming against that soft spot she'd always had for him and making her chest flutter. He was trying … which said a lot, considering she'd never seen him bend for anything else before.
"What if this isn't real?" She looped an arm around his leg absentmindedly, as if he was slipping away and she was trying to get a sturdy grip. "I could never go back to how things were, after all this."
"Fuu, I'll be the first to admit I have no fucking clue what's going on. Sorceress lineages and talking wind … that's beyond my pay grade." Seifer bent in to kiss her temple, and then placed his cheek against her ear. "But the one thing I know for sure is you."
"Seifer—"
"Fujin, I love you. That should be enough. That should be all you need to know." He cut her off before she could protest. "I think this thing that happened while we were in Timber really fucked with you. You're a wreck."
"No, it was the sorceress," Fujin admitted, as the feeling of his arms around her and his lips at her neck brought her anger to a full stop. "You remember, how on the boat you'd said you heard a voice say that death was coming for us?" Seifer nodded against her in confirmation, as had hand gripped her.
"The sorceress …. She felt like death to me; I saw her and I was dragged into this …. dark energy. And then I had this incredibly vivid dream that you killed me. Strangled me with your own hands."
"You what?" He laughed out loud. "Of all the crazy shit you've said over the past few weeks, that is by far the craziest."
"I know, but Seifer—"
"Fujin." He readjusted and maneuvered her body so he could look into her eyes. "It was just a dream."
Just like your dreams are just dreams? Fujin wondered if the blurred lines of what was real and what was imagination extended to both of them. She thought better of asking though—she didn't want him to feel like she thought he was capable of hurting her.
"I'm getting a bad feeling from all of this." Fujin shook her head, her damp hair falling in silver shards and obscuring her vision. "Maybe I'm wrong … maybe it's just the stress of all of this."
"What can I do?" Seifer implored, staring down at her earnestly. "I promise you I'll do anything to make this easier for you."
"I don't think it's going to get easier … maybe you're right. Maybe I just shouldn't think about it for a while."
"Which is exactly why we're here." He pulling her against him again. "Don't you think this would be a great spot for a house?" Fujin forgot that the original reason she agreed to come here at all was that Seifer also needed a day off—he wasn't interested in the mission in the slightest this morning.
"Actually, no." She played along—half-heartedly, but along all the same. Maybe if she tried, like he was trying, she could have just a moment of solace with him again. "I always thought an island would be best."
"Isolationism. I like it." Seifer mused, as his fingertips ran along her ribs. "Which one?"
"The Island Closest to Hell, maybe." Fujin looked towards the southwest. "So many monsters to fight—you'd never get bored."
"Yeah, but as we already know I was born there. Seems kinda sad to return to the same place to live out the rest of my life." She chuckled at his reference of that old mythology they'd created for themselves when they were kids—back when they had no past, and had to conjure up their own for comfort. "What about the Island Closest to Heaven? It's supposed to have a good climate, and it's smaller … no room for other people."
"Actually, yeah—one of my fieldwork classes accidentally wound up there once. The instructor went to the wrong coordinates and didn't realize it until too late—not sure how, since we had to climb the side of it to get there. We saw Marlboro and she rushed us back onto the boat. Not before I got a good look though—it was warm, and green. I didn't see a good beach, but better to keep people away." She smiled at the memory, and how Zell Dincht had trembled and shouted for shore as they repelled down the side of the mountain, even though there as no beach in sight—fear of the monster and the fall had taken hold of him, and he hadn't remembered that they came over on a boat and not a fucking land bridge. She wouldn't tell Seifer that though—poor Zell endured enough. "I suppose that would work. I didn't realize we were sharing, though. Have it all planned out, do you?"
"Mmmm." Seifer murmured against her ear. "I do. I have plans Fuu—you don't even know."
"Bet they didn't involve any of this crap." She deflected, feeling nervous at the talk of plans; it brought back the memory of seeing those plans flash behind his eyes back in Balamb, when he'd been daydreaming about the future. Those very plans, which seemed to be coming on fast and strong, were what made her think some other power was influencing his feelings towards her.
"No … but there's room for the unexpected, I suppose." She felt him pull away from her a bit to study her—his hands tucking a few strands of her hair in that comfortable way he did … like he'd been doing it for years. "So you like the Island Closest to Heaven, then? I'll remember that."
"Why? In case Balamb Garden decides to persecute me for being a sorceress?" She tried to use humor to avoid the topic, while still bringing reality to the forefront. They still had so many problems to face … she couldn't manage the future just yet.
Seifer laughed, placing his hand on her cheek. If he could tell she was bothered by his honesty, he didn't mind—he was always so much more confident and self-assured than she was. Fujin always questioned if something was going to happen; for Seifer it was always just a matter of when.
"No," he whispered, his voice edged with a smile, and left the single word solitary in her mind without clarification. "Now pipe down, Sanada. I'm trying to enjoy the view."
He bent down to kiss her; the ruthlessly gentle pressure of his lips ushering the disaster scenarios out of her mind. As the kiss grew deeper, Fujin's thoughts rattled around in pleasant broken sentences. Seifer knows. Plans. The one thing I know for sure.
But there was one—just one that rang out full and clear that she couldn't shake….
Fate is a wicked thing.
Raijin was sitting at the table when Fujin returned to the hotel room, hunched over the notes she'd taken and the books she'd brought home. He was engrossed in the text, his large bronze hand at the ready to flip another page—she could tell he was reading her brief notes on Odine by a small diagram of one of his inventions she'd drawn in the margin.
"Welcome back you guys." He scratched his cheek with his hand and yawned as he looked up, finding only Fujin walking in the door. "Or hey, welcome back just you, ya know?" A small smile snuck onto his face at his own joke. "Where's Seifer?"
"He had to go and meet Rinoa. We were running late, so he just took off from the car rental place."
"Oh …" Raijin winced at the mention of her name. "Uh … sorry Fuu."
"It's fine—it's what we're here for." Fujin plopped down on the foot of the bed Raijin had been sleeping in, carefully looking around the room to guess what else he'd been up to today. "Sorry for just taking off like we did. We were in a rush since Seifer had to get back here …"
"Nothin' to be sorry about." Raijin put on his best brave face, but his sorrowful eyes told a different story. "You guys gotta do what you gotta do. You wanted some time alone. I wasn't born yesterday. I get it."
"No Raijin, really. I'm sorry." Fujin exhaled, her shoulders slumping. She offered him an apologetic smile as their eyes connected. "It wasn't time away from you—not really. Seifer thought I needed a break."
"Well, he knows you best right?" He stood up to stretch his back. "I'm just glad someone's back. I need an excuse to go out and do something. Wanna go grab some food?"
"Sure, but first … sit down with me for a second will you?" Fujin patted the spot on the bed next to her. "I want to talk to you."
"Ah ... I don't think …" Raijin hesitated, glancing awkwardly around the room. "I don't that's a good idea. Seif wouldn't like it very much."
"He isn't here." Fujin shrugged as she gazed up at him. "And I want to talk to you."
"But we already talked." He waved his hands at her in an attempt to sweep all this under the rug. No doubt Raijin already felt the silent heat of Seifer's rage when he discovered the two of them had a secret, and didn't want to feel it again. "No need to drag up the past, ya know?"
"Raijin, sit down … please." He groaned and obeyed reluctantly, shaking his head as he settled on the bed next to her.
"Just so ya know, I was never planning on bringing any of this up." He defiantly crossed his arms over his chest. "I've … matured. Moved on. Cut it off." His hand dashed out in a slicing motion, his jaw squared. But when Fujin laid a hand on his shoulder, and he turned to look at her, she felt a pang of sadness in her chest at the gentle look in his eye. "I'm totally fine. There's enough to worry about—ya don't need to worry about me."
"You're important too, though." Fujin gripped his shoulder to emphasize the sentiment. "You're still very important to me Raij. I'm sorry I haven't been a good friend these past few weeks."
"Stop apologizing." Raijin folded his hands in his lap and stared down at them. "You've been fine. Seifer's been a little tough to deal with though."
"I think he knows." Fujin waited for Raijin's reaction, but he was unfazed by the revelation.
"Yeah … I think he might too." Raijin nodded, cracking his knuckles. "Did he say anything to you?"
"Not really. I just have a feeling." Fujin told a white lie and shook her head. "Isn't it weird that the three of us are so open with everything except this stuff?"
"Not really." Raijin mimicked, shoving her with his shoulder. "This is the stuff that makes things more complicated, ya know? Makes sense we'd all be like this." He cleared his throat and squared his shoulders again. "So … you guys seem happy."
"I think so. Kinda hard to focus on anything besides the mission and what's going on with me right now though." Fujin shrugged. "Are you okay?"
"I think so," he mirrored her again, both of them chuckling quietly. "It's not even you guys—I knew that was gonna happen eventually. I already got used to the idea. It's just a change, ya know? It's always been the three of us. Now you guys are your own thing…" He held his hands up in surrender. "Which totally makes sense. We're just all we've ever had. I don't want to get kicked out the family, ya know?"
"Raijin that would never happen. We need you. Even more than you need us." Fujin slipped her arm around Raijin's back in a half-hug, and Raijin slung an arm over her shoulder. "I need you more than you know."
"Geez, way to make a guy blush," he sighed and hugged her tightly. "That's why I've always liked you best."
"I know." Fujin tilted her head up and gave him a small smile. "Let's go get something to eat. I can fill you in on all the things that have been happening."
"Yeah, I'd like that." Raijin smiled back at her—a genuine smile, and not that of someone trying to put on a front. "I feel like I've been outta the loop a little."
"That's my fault." Fujin, in her usual fashion, had been trying to keep her new world with Seifer and her old life with Rajin at arms length. She'd originally told herself it was for Raijin's own good, but was only just realizing it had been for her own. "I was trying to keep things normal."
"Well stop. I think we just have to come up with a new normal now, ya know?" He tapped her thigh with his hand. "Things won't get better if we don't let the change happen."
As Raijin hoisted himself from the bed and walked to snag his wallet from the table, Fujin realized for the first time in all the years they'd known each other just how inadvertently wise he could be. Sure, he was mostly goofy all the time, but Raijin he had these rare moments of clarity—of seeing right through something, precise and to the core of an issue. Was he always eloquent about it? No, ya know, he wasn't. But there was a sage gracefulness about it, coupled with his always unspoken truth that collective need came before individual desire for him, and that he always wholeheartedly confided they would rise above and beyond any obstacle they faced.
It was good she'd be spending a lot of time with him this next month—she could use a little bit of that kind of confidence.
It was hard to come off of a morning like that with Fujin and immediately dive into a scenario where he had to play a different part. Seifer never did like pretending to be something he wasn't, never enjoyed pandering to someone else's ideas about him; he had a very clear picture of his own identity, and hated it when someone asked him to fog up the lens. The instructors at Garden were the frequent offenders, always pulling him aside after a rowdy day in class and telling him how much potential they saw in him, or how they knew he was a good kid underneath all the rage—projecting their own insecurities onto him about being unable to teach him. If he would just listen, if he would just do the work, if he would just be quiet ….
If he would just be the exact opposite version of himself, he would fit in just fine there.
Pretending to be someone he wasn't was always a thorn in Seifer's side—even in the smallest scenarios—and this little shopping excursion with Rinoa was no exception. The afternoon was originally presented as a trip to check out some old weapons he might like at a local junk shop, but after a short fifteen minutes of that she dragged him along on what was very obviously meant to be a date. She paraded him past booths of fresh cut flowers and made exaggerated observations about how pretty they were in an attempt to score a few; stopped to try on a few scandalous dresses that even Seifer told her were a bit much, and he'd never really been one to encourage a woman to cover up.
"Seifer, what do you think of this one?" Rinoa queried as she emerged from the dressing room after quickly shimmying into a pale blue dress in one of Deling's boutique stores. She inspected herself in front of a full length triptych mirror, her hands smoothing out the silk fabric against her thighs.
"Looks nice …" Seifer shrugged from his seated position on a nearby bench. "It's not very stately though … maybe something with a little more fabric?" Rinoa turned around coyly and grinned.
"Depends on the impression I want to make, I suppose."
"I suppose it does." Seifer groaned inwardly as she popped back into the dressing room to try on another outfit. He'd always assumed that the girl-drags-guy-shopping scenario was just a trope used in movies, but apparently it was a real thing that happened. He was thankful Fujin was feminine in all the ways he liked, and not in all the ways that would drive him up a fucking wall. But at least there was a silver lining to this little excursion: the dress was for a state dinner at the mansion, which Seifer was invited to as Rinoa's plus one.
According to Rinoa—who was oh so excited to surrounded by the upper echelons of Galbadia despite her loyal ties to the Timber resistance movement—the General had apparently attended a cabinet meeting just this morning and proposed the idea of hosting the sorceress at a state dinner at Caraway Mansion. President Deling gladly accepted, and the household staff was already buzzing with plans of who would be on the guest list and beefing up Caraway's security staff a bit.
"It's going to be so much harder to sneak out with all the new staff he's probably going to hire." Rinoa carped from behind the dressing room curtain. "I'm not sure what the point is—it's just one night, and the President's security detail will be there."
"It's better to have your own people on staff that you trust." Seifer called out as he remembered Fujin's critique of Caraway's staff. "They may cramp your style a bit, but for the line of work your father's in, it's probably better for your safety and his to have more well-trained staff on site."
"Sure, I guess it's a good idea." Rinoa walked out again wearing a black dress with short sleeves that hit her just below her knee, twisting in front of the mirrors to get a look at all angles. "I mean, I'm not staying there after this summer is over anyway, so I don't really care one way or another I suppose." She turned to him and held up her hands, presenting himself to him. "What do you think?"
"Much better, Duchess." Seifer nodded and Rinoa stuck her tongue out at him at the use of the nickname. "Looks great." She pivoted back to the mirror to take a second look.
"So … you're not planning on staying in Deling?" Seifer asked, his curiosity genuinely piqued. "How's that gonna work? You're too young to be out on your own."
"I'm not too young. You and I are practically the same age, and you're already out on your own." Rinoa mused, as she pulled a pair of black heels from a nearby shelf and slipped her feet into them, reassessing herself in the mirror.
"That's different. I've had training, and when I'm finished being out on my own I have a place to call home still." Seifer wasn't sure why he was being antagonistic—he didn't really care what the girl did after they were finished here in Deling. But something about how naive she was grated on him.
"So do I." Rinoa shot back proudly. "I'm moving in with Zone and Watts in Timber. They have a spare room. We're planning on taking our movement to the next level, and I can't work on that here."
"What about your father?"
"What about him?" Her narrowed eyes connected with his through the glass before she slipped back out of the heels and walked into the dressing room to change again. "I'm not even telling Caraway that I'm leaving—he'd just try to stop me."
"Sorry, I didn't mean to overstep." Seifer called out, trying to keep his voice smooth and gentle despite his irritation at her childish reaction having to pretend to care at all. "He just seems to be pretty concerned about you, that's all. I don't know what that's like."
"That man has been suffocating me for years." He heard her placing the dresses she'd tried on back on their hangers—a sign she was finally readying to leave. "Ever since my mother died, he's treated me like I'm made of glass."
The source of Caraway's overprotectiveness towards Rinoa wasn't a mystery to Seifer. It was incredibly obvious that the man was still grieving over the unexpected loss of his wife, and knew he couldn't live with himself if something happened to Rinoa too. So, the General tried to control what he could just to keep Rinoa safe—from growing up too fast, from getting hurt, from anything and everything. To Rinoa it looked stifling and cruel, but to Caraway … it was the only way a broken man knew how to love. Seifer wasn't sure he and Caraway had much in common, but he could identify with that fear of losing someone pretty easily. Hell, he'd almost been paralyzed yesterday when he got back to the hotel room and found Fujin motionless—he was sure his own fucking heart had stopped.
"So, what are your next steps?" Seifer changed the subject—he didn't want to know what an angry Rinoa looked like. Personally, a happy one wasn't something he found very tolerable.
"I don't know, exactly. All I know is that I want it to be something big." Rinoa sighed, emerging from behind the curtain with a pile of dressed draped over her arm, holding the black one Seifer approved out at arms length with her other hand, examining it. "I think I need to get this hemmed a little. Did you bring a suit with you?" Her train of thought jumped the tracks, back to the impending dinner party.
"Yeah, I have one." Seifer nodded as they made their way to the counter. "A grey one with a black tie … it should do."
"Perfect!" Rinoa gushed, leaning in to kiss his cheek before placing the extra dresses on a nearby rack. "I'll just be a minute more; you can wait outside if you want, and then maybe we can go get a coffee or something?"
"Actually …" Seifer hedged, knowing that what he was about to do was not exactly kosher. But, Rinoa had just leaned in to kiss him, and he knew all too well where prolonged alone time with her was headed. Even though getting close to the Duchess was sanctioned by the priorities of the mission … he couldn't bear doing that to Fujin with everything that was going on. "I should probably meet back up with my friends. We had plans to go and train."
"Oh … okay." Rinoa didn't attempt to mask her disappointment—her suspicion that she was being blown off registered the instant the words fell from his lips. He had only spent a couple of hours with her, after all. "Well, at least wait for me and I'll walk back to the hotel with you?"
"Yeah, of course. I'll see you outside." Seifer disengaged, with Rinoa lingering for a moment to see if he would show her any parting affection. He only stuffed his hands in his pockets, offered her a quick smile, and sauntered toward the exit. He could tell that it hurt her feelings; the girl was apparently very into him, and it was going to be impossible appease her while also staying loyal to Fujin—there had to be some give and take in all of this; something needed to be let go.
The way he saw it, he'd sacrifice almost anything to make this thing a success for Fujin. He was sacrificing his dignity and letting General Caraway insult him. He was sacrificing just a sliver of his claim on Fujin's heart to make space in their new life for Raijin—and that was a sacrifice he knew he needed to make for all of them, not just Fuu. Hell, he even gave up his spot as leader of their little trio fairly easily just so she could succeed. But he wasn't willing to sacrifice her to make this a success. No matter what Fujin said, no matter how strong she was, she was still human. He knew for a fact she couldn't handle Rinoa on top of everything else, and that continuing this would just put an added strain on them. He was doing the right thing by creating some distance with her.
Rinoa joined him in the street shortly after, chattering nervously about getting her dress hemmed, and how much she was looking forward to taking him to the state dinner—she was trying to keep the conversation casual, sending that something was amiss. Seifer didn't say much—he smiled where he should, nodded when it seemed appropriate—gestures that were just enough so he didn't seem rude.
When they finally reached the hotel, Rinoa touched his arm and tugged him away from the entrance off to the side of the street. Her eyes were downcast, and the corners of her pink lips were twisted downward.
"Seifer are you … mad, or something?" Rinoa rocked back and forth on the balls of her feet, teetering a little before shifting her glance upward to look into his eyes. She looked as crestfallen as a scolded puppy. "It's just … I really like you, but you barely touched me in Timber, and now you don't seem very happy to see me. Things just aren't like the night we met in Dollet. Did I do something wrong?"
Seifer knew Rinoa could tell something was up, but the forwardness of her observation surprised him—he didn't actually think she'd be bold enough to call him out on it. He pressed his lips together, rolling her question around in his mind. Was he mad? Sure. Come to think of it, he was pretty fucking pissed. But it had nothing to do with Rinoa, and everything to do with Cid Kramer and the shitty situation Fujin was in because of him. But mostly, Seifer was pissed because he'd promised Fujin this morning that he would do something to make this whole mission easier for her …. and he knew what he needed to do. But he also knew there'd be hell to pay when he was through with it. Shit. This was never easy.
"No, I'm sorry …I'm not mad. You didn't do anything wrong." He looked down to the ground and sighed. "But you're right; something's not quite right here and it's probably my fault. I mean, I know it's my fault." Rinoa's brow furrowed at the tone—she knew this was about to take a turn.
"I've been distant because I've sort've been in this complicated … thing with Fujin for a long time now." Seifer instinctually paused for a reaction, but Rinoa only blinked and stared at him wide-eyed in surprise. "And things kinda changed between us after I met you, and we've been … going through some stuff." Seifer made a circular motion with his hand to illustrate the movement of working through something.
"Oh …" Disappointment overcame Rinoa's face—the corners of her pink lips drooped even farther downward. "I see…"
"You're a great girl." Seifer emphasized as he placed his hand on her shoulder. "But Fujin and I have a lot of history, and I care about her a lot ..."
"So that's why you and Raijin were so weird when I brought her up on the ride home." Rinoa laughed lowly and shook her head. "I feel like such an idiot. You weren't even interested in me this whole time."
"That's not true. You're beautiful and funny. I really was interested in you." Seifer felt like he needed to give her something—the girl only wanted to have some friends her own age, wanted somebody to show her an ounce of love, and wanted to feel alive. He'd been so self-absorbed lately, he was only just realizing that Rinoa has a little more in common with them than he originally thought—she was searching for her place in the world too, just from a different perspective.
"I'm really sorry. I thought I might be able to make it work. But I can't … I'm in—"
"Please, spare me." There was a biting irritation in her voice. "It's … fine. I mean, it's not like this was going to last for long." She tried to shrug it off as best she could, and she let out a heavy sigh again as she tried to rebound from the embarrassment. "I'm such an idiot—I just invited you to this thing, and I didn't even notice…"
"We can still be friends." Seifer shrugged, and gave her a warm smile—he'd been hoping for an easy segue to the topic of the dinner. "And I'll still go with you. Just … as a friend."
"A friend." Rinoa turned her back to him and crossed her arms over her chest. "And you and Fujin? Well, that's just perfect."
Seifer didn't need her to finish the sentence—the tone said it all. The girl was naive, but she didn't lack confidence. How could someone like him be more attracted to Fujin than to Rinoa? How could he compare her vibrant warmth with Fujin's cold distance? What made her so much better? The simple answer was everything; Fujin understood him in ways that no one else did. But explaining the finer details of why he was over the moon for his pale friend wouldn't improve this little situation. Better to glaze over the veiled insult, and move on to the task at hand—keeping Rinoa under his wing.
"I'm really sorry Rinoa ... but hey, for what it's worth, the three of us really like you and we respect what you're up to in Timber."
"You do?" Rinoa turned back around and flashed him a faint, sheepish smile at the compliment, while Seifer cringed inwardly at the falsehood. Outwardly, he nodded enthusiastically.
"Absolutely. We actually think you've identified a growing threat in the region, and we're thinking we might mention it to our headmaster." Seifer moved to lean back against he wrought iron gate that lined the edge of the street. "Fujin actually mentioned it, after dinner last night."
"Wow, to your headmaster?" Rinoa leaned next to him, stepping directly into the trap he'd laid for her. "What do you think he would do about it?"
"I don't know," Seifer shrugged as he looked down at her. "Given our close ties to Galbadia Garden, he might not want to get directly involved … but who knows … maybe SeeD could assist the Timber Owls sometime in the future. Or maybe just Fujin, Raijin and I could help you with your next big plan." Seifer winked at her, and Rinoa laughed lightly and nudged him with her shoulder.
"Thanks … for being honest, I suppose." She sighed again and looked up at the glass windows of the Galbadia Hotel. "Can't say I'm not a little bummed … I really like you."
"You'll meet someone better." Seifer insisted, meaning that she'd meet someone better suited for her. "But hey, I'll still go to that dinner with you. Actually, if we're gonna tell our headmaster about the Timber resistance movement, it might be beneficial to be there. Meet President Deling … see if I can glean anything from the conversation."
"Sure … I'd like that." Rinoa smiled up at him. "Hey, I sort've feel like I'm a spy now—part of your little team. That's pretty neat."
And just like that, the course of their mission was altered with a unilateral decision. Their total reliance on General Caraway was removed from the equation, and instead Seifer placed his faith in someone who he knew he could have a little more control over—a girl so desperate to find her own place in the world that she didn't even realize almost everything he'd said to her since the day they met was a lie. Caraway would be mad if he found out, and diplomatically it put a lot at risk—the Balamb-Galbadia-Trabia partnership was already imperfect, and interfering with Galbadian politics was no way to make friends for Balamb Garden. Cid would have his head, and his SeeD career, if this thing went sideways. None of that scared Seifer much though. A little shade from the great General Caraway and Cid Kramer? He could deal with those consequences just fine.
It was Fujin's wrath that he was scared of …