Word Count: 3,139

strings

The rope just brushed against the under-part of my chin when something coiled around my thighs, holding me upright. The swiftness of the act left me breathless; my hands instinctively went to the noose which now hung limply around my neck.

It felt like I had just been thrown into an ice-cold river—like I'd just woken up. I felt like I'd become hyper-aware of everything, especially the intensity of Gan Ning's hold on me. I could feel the warmth of his bare chest through the fabric of my clothing as he held me up, the only thing keeping the noose from performing its intended act. My pulse was rapid and frantic as I slowly began to realize what I was just about to do.

"Take it off." Gan Ning's voice was low and sharp; it made my blood run cold. "Now."

With hands trembling uncontrollably, I complied, removing the noose from around my neck. The rope felt rougher than it had earlier. Slowly, as though unsure I had actually removed the noose, Gan Ning lowered me back to the ground. His hands had only just retracted when something hard slammed into my jaw at what felt like full-force. I staggered from impact, cradling my new injury. It was nearly impossible to read the look in Gan Ning's eyes as he stood there, staring me down. I couldn't figure out what he could possibly be thinking at that moment, and it scared me a little.

Without a word, Gan Ning grabbed my arm and pulled me back into the room, forcing me onto the bed. His head quirked over toward the desk slightly—he hesitated—and looked right at the note I'd left.

Oh, shit…

He shot me a quick glare before retrieving the scroll I'd left open on the desk, bringing it back to hold right in front of my face. It was so close I could barely read the characters.

"What is this." It wasn't a question; it was a demand for me to recognize what I was doing. "Tell me what this is, Ling Tong."

I didn't say anything—all my words were stuck at the back of my throat.

"Tell me what this is." Gan Ning jerked the scroll back and glared at it. "'Xingba, I'm sorry.' What the fuck is this, Ling Tong?" He threw it on the floor, his index finger jabbing in the direction of the balcony. "What the fuck is all that? Huh?"

I stared at the floor, at where he'd thrown the scroll. It was so hard to meet his gaze, to see that hurt look in his eyes… I just stared at the floor like a small child.

"Say something, dammit!" He snapped, grabbing my shoulders and forcing me to look at him. "What the hell was all of that? What're you doing? What're you trying to do?" It felt like someone had punched a hole right through my heart; it was hard to breathe.

I watched Gan Ning's Adam's apple bob as he swallowed hard, letting go of my shoulders. He clenched his jaw, withdrew a knife from his pocket, and stormed back over to the balcony. A wave of panic overtook me.

"Gan Ning—"

He didn't even so much as quirk his head. Gan Ning strode to the balcony and stepped up onto the stool. I thought I might have a heart attack.

"Gan Ning!"

Still ignoring me, the pirate reached up and cut the noose down, kicking the stool out of his way once he stepped off. The clattering sound it made seemed louder than it should have, causing me to flinch.

"Look at this." Gan Ning threw the noose at me. "Look at it."

I picked it up with quivering fingers, reluctant to touch it too much as if it were diseased. Running my thumb over the coarse material, it felt like my lungs were contracting—shrinking, rather. My throat felt tight.

"Finally sinking in? You selfish bastard… Do you get it now? Do you get what you were just about to do?" Gan Ning's voice wavered, causing me to look up. His eyes were glossy, fists clenched and lower-lip tucked in as though he were biting down on it. The sight reminded me of a child. And that's when it really hit home.

"I'm sorry." The words blurted from my mouth, and as soon as they did, it was as if a dam burst. My fingers, trembling uncontrollably, clenched onto the noose. "I'm sorry, Gan Ning. I—I don't know why… I wasn't thinking. I mean, I was thinking, but—only about myself. I thought it was better for me—I never thought about you or how you felt—how anyone else would feel. I was only concerned about…myself." I tried to swallow, finding the action rather difficult all of a sudden. My cheeks were already awash with tears. "It seemed so easy and I gave up. I gave up. Is that what you wanted to hear?" The words felt heavy, like bricks pressing down on my chest. "I gave up. Do you think I've changed my mind? I've still given up! There's nothing I can do—nothing anyone can do—so what's the point? I give up! I just want to die and get it over with—" I threw the noose on the floor. "I'm so sick of waiting…"

A long, palpable silence followed. I couldn't recognize any sounds other than my own relentless sobbing and jagged, pathetic breathing. My hands kept rubbing at my eyes to stop the damn tears, but it didn't do anything other than irritate my skin. My body ached. My lungs ached. My throat and eyes ached.

I slid a hand over my mouth, trying to regulate my breathing. I knew I wouldn't be able to meet his gaze; I didn't even try.

A soft rustling sound just briefly preceded the hand that grabbed my chin, forcing my head to look up. Gan Ning's gaze was startlingly serious and focused, but it still carried a tender trace. "You listen to me," he said, "and you listen good. I don't give a fuck if you've given up and want to quit. I haven't."

"But—"

"I don't give a fuck, Ling Tong. You gave up. Fine." He let go of my chin and took a step back. "I haven't. The old man and Lu Xun haven't—and even if they did, I still wouldn't give a fuck. I haven't given up on you, so I'm gonna keep fighting until the fucking end. You got that? So you pull another bullshit stunt like that—" he pointed back toward the balcony "—and I'll never forgive you. And I'll beat the fucking snot out of you if you live through it."

I stared at Gan Ning and he stared back. I was dumbfounded—by him and myself. By the entire situation. Some weird surge of emotions bubbled up inside me like acid. My eyes shifted from him to the balcony to the noose on the floor, finally settling on my hands, folded limply in my lap. I heard Gan Ning sigh, felt the bed give way underneath him as he sat beside me. One strong, familiar arm slipped around my shoulders, and I adjusted myself so I was sitting as close to him as physically possible, pressed right up against the warm flesh of his exposed chest.

"It's scary," Gan Ning said, tone soft and hardly above a whisper. "It's scary as fuck, and I'm not even the one who's sick." He paused like he was choosing his words with extreme care—something he never did. The gesture alone touched me. "I can't say I know how it feels, because I don't, and anyone who says they do is full of shit." He stopped again, took a long breath. Gan Ning's body felt warmer than usual, and I couldn't help but wonder if it was because he was angry still. "I don't know how to make this go away, Ling Tong, but I swear to whatever gods there might be, I'm going to help you through this." He squeezed my shoulder for emphasis and turned his head to look at me as he spoke. "I'm not going to abandon you now—or ever. Remember? You're stuck with me forever." He offered a weak chuckle.

I wanted to say thank you, but the words weren't enough—the gesture wasn't nearly enough. I didn't know how to thank Gan Ning for what he was promising or for everything he'd already done for me. Instead, I rubbed my eyes one last time, let out a deep breath, and—coiling my arms around his torso—drew myself flush against him, trying to express even a fragment of my gratitude through the simple act.

This was the third time he saved my life.

Gan Ning and I lounged around until late afternoon, when three crisp knocks on the door broke us from whatever little world we'd fallen into.

"Ling Tong? Are you in here?"

It was Lu Meng.

Gan Ning gave an exaggerated groan (one that was loud enough to be heard by the man outside the door). "Can't a guy get some damn peace around here?" He rolled onto his side and slung an arm over my waist, as we were lying in bed. "Tell the old man to fuck off," he said into the sheets.

I ran a hand down his back, using the other to lift his arm enough so I could slip off the bed. "It'll only take a minute, Xingba." As a panicked afterthought, I added: "Keep your promise."

He tilted his head to glance up at me, expression stoic. "Only if you keep yours."

"Of course." I gave a weak smile. All the negative thoughts I'd accumulated last night and this morning were still lingering in my bones; it was difficult to shake them, even in Gan Ning's presence.

Lu Meng was waiting patiently on the other side of the door, and for a moment—though it was brief—a smile crossed his features. The seriousness of his expression worried me. "Ling Tong, I'm happy to see you up and about. How are you feeling?"

"Well enough, all things considered." I stepped aside to let him in, ignoring the daggers Gan Ning was throwing me across the room with his eyes.

"Glad to see you're up and being your usual, constructive self, Gan Ning," Lu Meng remarked upon seeing the pirate sprawled across the bed.

"Glad to see you haven't fallen down a flight of stairs due to your arthritis and waning eyesight, old man." Gan Ning replied with a cozy smirk.

I rolled my eyes and interrupted before this back-and-forth thing could continue. "So, Lord Lu Meng, what brings you all the way up here? Business?" I assumed as much, judging by the solemn expression that was inset in his features.

Lu Meng drew a long breath and rubbed his eyes. I noted the dark crescents that hung underneath them. "Lord Sun Quan wants to press the attack against Wei. I know you're still recovering, Ling Tong, but he's serious about this. Our lord wants regular training sessions and council meetings. We were fortunate he went as long as he did without them, but now…" He rubbed his eyes again. "Now you'll have to be more actively present, if you catch my meaning."

I nodded, ignoring the lump that was starting to form in my throat. Lu Meng was worried others would start to catch onto my illness—and with good reason. I hadn't had any real physical activity like training in a long time, and after my absence (from just about everything and everyone other than Lu Meng, Lu Xun, and Gan Ning), I was going to need to prove that nothing was amiss.

"Lu Xun has already started compiling potential medicines for you to take, Ling Tong," the elder strategist went on. "We don't know if any of them will work—or what their possible side-effects might be—so we'll have to proceed with caution once you start using them."

Gan Ning gave a distasteful snort. "What, you guys think he's some guinea pig or lab rat or something? Gonna test all this shit on him and hope like hell it works? Good things neither of you two became doctors."

"We don't have many other options, Gan Ning," I said. Not that the idea of trying strange elixirs appealed to me, either…

"I do have some good news, though," Lu Meng spoke again after a brief pause. "Though it's small in comparison to our current problems, Lord Sun Quan has agreed to allow private training lessons between the three of us. I told him you two still weren't getting along and that I wanted to oversee you working together, so I was able to buy us some time to see where you're currently at, Ling Tong."

"Old man, you're kind of a genius." Gan Ning offered a crooked smile as he rolled himself to the edge of the bed and sat upright.

"Every old man has his day, I suppose," Lu Meng smiled in turn. "Though you two are going to have to help keep up the act—start bickering like you used to."

I stared at the strategist and felt my own lips quirk upward. The chill of my attempted suicide still rang in my bones like a haunting echo, but I still felt this grateful surge well up in my chest. Lu Xun had probably been pouring over books for the last couple of days, researching herbs and remedies with his limitless diligence, and Lu Meng had been pulling strings on my part, too. Both of them were working hard…for me. To help me.

The guilt of my actions from this morning sunk in with renewed strength, striking my bones so the chill rang anew. I was ready to throw everything away and give up like a damn coward while the three of them—Gan Ning, Lu Meng, and Lu Xun—were doing their best to help me. I was—and always would be—eternally grateful to Gan Ning for stopping me, but the guilt didn't do much to salvage my mood. If anything, it only helped make me feel worse about myself.

"Ling Tong?"

I blinked several times in rapid succession, bringing myself back to the moment at hand. Both Lu Meng and Gan Ning were watching me with cautious expressions. I forced a full-out smile onto my lips and scratched the back of my neck.

"Thank you, Lord Lu Meng. For everything."

The strategist waved a dismissive hand, not looking all too convinced that I was alright. "At any rate, Lu Xun's been brewing up medicines all morning. He has the first batch ready for you." He looked out the balcony and scratched his beard. "Seems I'm running behind schedule…"

"When's the first training session?" Gan Ning asked, not one to be left out of the conversation for long.

"Tomorrow morning."

The pirate nearly fell off the bed. "What?"

My reaction was similar, though not as exaggerated. "Why so soon?" I asked, none too eager to learn the answer.

Lu Meng sighed and rubbed his eyes again. "Our lord wants to start the campaign within the next month. He's worried if we take too much time to strike first, we'll miss our window of opportunity and spend our resources on defense rather than offense. I know this is short notice—especially since you're still recovering, Ling Tong—but if you don't want anyone else to find out about your illness, you're going to have to play the right role and play it well." Despite his words, he looked unhappy with the whole situation. "Now, I've got several other things to take care of this afternoon, so I'll be leaving shortly. However," he turned to Gan Ning, "I need to discuss something with you."

"Me?" The pirate pointed at himself, feigning shock. "You sure you want to talk to such a delinquent?"

"Enough games, Gan Ning. Get serious."

"Oh, I'm plenty serious about this, Lu Meng."

Both Lu Meng and I gave Gan Ning an incredulous stare. He never addressed the strategist correctly when it was the three of us like this (and if he ever did at all, well, that knowledge was beyond me).

"Anyway," Lu Meng regained his composure, "I want you to look after Ling Tong."

I had to interrupt here. "Now wait just a minute—"

"No," Gan Ning counter-interrupted, to my surprise. "He's right. Right now you're in no condition to be wandering around by yourself, and once you start taking those weird medicines, you'll need someone to make sure you don't just drop over. And don't even think you can talk your way out of it, considering your history."

I stared, opened my mouth to protest, and closed it again. Though I was appreciative for the gesture—and I got off a little on Gan Ning's possessiveness, but only a little—the idea struck me as rather ridiculous. "Well, I didn't know Lord Sun Quan was paying you to be my babysitter. And besides, I thought we weren't supposed to be getting along? How's that going to look when someone sees you doting on me and following me around like some mother hen?"

Gan Ning bristled at the words babysitter and mother hen, but I wasn't trying to belittle him with the statement—just the plan.

"Gan Ning won't be hovering over your shoulder all day," Lu Meng said, "but he'll be within helping distance, should something come about. And if anyone asks why you two are spending so much time together, say it's part of my training." He offered a weak smile. "I'm pulling the best strings I can for this, boys, but I still need your help."

"Don't worry about it, old man." Gan Ning slid off the bed and stretched, looking thoroughly satisfied by the pops and cracks his joints made. "I won't let our ill princess leave my sight."

My eyes narrowed in his direction. I thought we'd retired that little nickname…

"So does that make you my lady-in-waiting, then?" I asked, arms crossed. Lu Meng tried his best to stifle his laugh and make it seem like a cough. "What good princess is without one, after all?"

Gan Ning smirked. "I guess it does, princess." I knew by his tone he was just playing around; this wasn't the same princess he used to use with spite. It almost made me smile.

"Then will you escort Her Majesty to Lu Xun's study?" Lu Meng said, the crescents that hung underneath his eyes no longer looking so dark. "It's about time we start to fight this illness back."

A/N: this update took...3 months? I'm so sorry you guys. :'( I could think up plenty of excuses, but the truth is I've been horribly uninspired and lazy lately...and I'm sorry. ;u;

Also, I noticed ff messed up most of my titles so there's only one letter left... -u- Please ignore that until I fix it!

You guys are all so sweet to me, my wonderful, loyal, too-kind-for-words reviewers! ;A; LadyKatatonic, Vovo, Animelover6000, YakyuBaka, BlackCatBexxie, tsukiko3000, Nan Ma, S-chama, FelixTehCat, Ischemia, Ling Tong, Twin Fox Tails, Celeborn, lil-lexa, Ablueberrynight, and Kam14. I honestly cannot thank you guys enough for taking the time to leave me feedback. I truly appreciate it. Like I've said before, you guys are the only reason I keep this story going, so, thank you. :)

Well, I hope this chapter wasn't too terrible after all this time... and hopefully the next chapter doesn't take me three months to write!
I hope you guys will stick around. c: