Chapter 25: Scared of Lonely (Beyonce)

I had forced Britt's hand and she had responded with what she thought was best for me.

I had to trust her...even if it hurt.

This just made me want to get better.

Faster.

Santana's POV

"Can I just have a minute?" I asked Britt as we pulled into Sandra's driveway.

"Of course, Ana." I felt my heart start to race as we pulled up behind Saul's big black SUV. I could Sandra's car in front of that and I felt like I was going to be sick.

This was new to me...I wasn't used to feeling this way when it came to my sisters but there's a first time for everything I suppose.

"Does she know that we are going to be here?"

"Yes. In fact we shouldn't keep her waiting."

"Fuck her, it's not like she has anywhere to be!"

Britt looked at me in shock as she unbuckled her seat belt, climbed out if the car and came around it. I sat there feeling insanely pissed off as she ripped my door open.

"Times up, I know you are freaking out but that doesn't mean you have to be mean to me in the process!"

"Wait! Britt wait!" I held my hands up and she used it as an opportunity to reach across me and unbuckled my seat belt.

"Come on, get out...I really just want to have a good lunch and I want to fix this thing with your sisters."

"You shouldn't have to...that's just it."

"But that's life. It's a part of growing up...why don't you get that? Shit happens Santana. Things don't always happen the way that they should...like you being sober and a good mother. But in the last 24 hours you were neither of those things...were you?"

I looked into Britt's eyes and could tell that she meant every word. I felt like she had just ripped my heart out with her bare hands.

I just nodded and climbed down from the truck with no further argument.

What could I say?

I hadn't been the shining example of a good mother...anything could have happened to Isaac.

So while it was a huge slap in the face, I wasn't going to argue with her. Even if it felt like I couldn't breathe as I walked with her up the driveway.

We were on the front step and all that I could hear from inside was yelling.

What was I walking into?

I pushed at the door handle and thankfully it wasnt locked. I kind of wanted to just slide into the background if at all possible.

But Britt had a different plan.

"Hello? We're here!" She had grabbed my hand and was physically pulling me into the room.

Sandra sat there at the head of the table with Norah on her lap. When she saw me her face slipped into a cold mask of indifference.

"Hi ladies." Sandra said as she gestured to two chairs that she had saved by the head of the table.

Celia came up from behind us and looped an arm through Ari's and walked her to a seat.

As I sat down next to my sister, I could feel her watching me and then she looked over at Britt who was smiling at her happily.

"I think we need to talk...just you and I." Sandra said to Britt.

"I absolutely agree. I told Ana the same thing."

"Good...there's a room that's perfect for that."

Sandra cocked an eyebrow at me because she knew that I knew what she was doing.

What she wasn't expecting though was that Britt would be completely prepared for that.

"Oh that room by the theatre sounds great! I think that the couches in there are super comfy."

Britt winked at Sandra and I swear I don't get their relationship.

It was like two big cats hissing and swiping at each other one minute and then the next thing you know they are purring.

That's what it was like watching them size each other up and then both nod and get up from the table.

Sandra turned back just for a second and looked straight at me.

"Oh and sis...I heard about you breaking the will again last night. Just so you know...that purchase you just made will be your last without my approval. You're lucky it was just alcohol had it been drugs you would be cut off."

Fuck.

Britt looked back at me with worry in her eyes and then she looked at Sandra with a soft smile.

Sandra froze and looked at me again with squinty eyes.

That's all it took and she knew that she had unknowingly hit the nail on the head.

She stormed back to the table and the next thing I knew, I was on my feet and she was clutching me by the front of my shirt and hovering in my face.

"There was more than alcohol, wasn't there?"

I closed my eyes and nodded my head.

At that moment I was glad that my nephews were in school because I couldn't imagine them witnessing me like this.

"You might as well tell her the rest of it." Britt said as she slid back down into her seat across from me.

Sandra was staring in my eyes and then let go slowly and I fell back down into my chair.

She sank into her seat and leaned forward on her elbows and stared me down.

"Tell us what?" Damariz walked into the room holding Isaac on her hip.

"Apparently our sister...got high last night."

Celia said as she held her hands out for my son.

He smiled down at her and happily hugged her once she was holding him.

He was such a good and happy little boy.

I didn't deserve to be his and Daniela's mother.

Or anybody's mother for that matter.

Britt was right to separate them from me.

I needed to earn the right to be in their lives.

I rubbed my sweaty palms together and began to scratch at my legs, my skin was trying to call off my body and it was the worst time for it.

This was terrible.

And I had brought it all down on myself.

I was going to lose everyone's trust.

It was going to be out now and before long one of them would call my mom and then Susan and everyone would know how bad of a mother I had turned out to be.

I looked over across the table at Britt and I could see that she was worried about me.

This wasn't how either of us wanted this to happen.

She had just said it though, nothing happens the way it should.

"So you got high?" Damariz said as she moved into the seat next to me.

"Just a little." I whispered as I looked into Britt's eyes across from mine.

She was silently encouraging me from across the table.

"A little? What does that mean Santana?"

"Britt...please? Help me?"

Britt went to speak but Sandra held her hand up.

"No..stop using Brittany as a crutch...what did you do?"

"I had Isaac with me." I buried my face in my hands and took a deep breath, the room was completely silent. "I took him to my dealer's place-"

"What?!" Celia was standing next to Sandra now and staring me down. "What dealer?"

I looked at Britt and she had tears in her eyes and wasn't looking at me anymore.

"Sandra you know...when Marco died...I got his place."

"Yea...and I had it cleared out...we hadn't decided on what to do with it yet."

Britt's face shot up and she looked at me with angry eyebrows.

Fuck.

So many secrets, I can't even keep up anymore.

"I've been renting it out for the last couple of months to Lorenzo Andrassy."

"Wait...that's...I know him." Ari looked at me now and I looked away from her. "Tucker told me about him...so did Marco. You had Isaac over there with him? Anita he's tied to the mob...are you kidding me? Marco was terrified of him..that's one of the guys he owed a lot of money to. Seriously?"

"What the fuck Santana?!" Sandra said as she slammed her hand on the table. "He's been staying there? Has he paid you at least?"

"No. I told him he could stay there and do whatever he wanted...I didn't think you would care."

"Of course I care! He's got to go...how much money do you owe him...because I assume he still wants his money."

"I owe him half a million dollars now...I have been paying him little by little."

"From where?" Sandra's whole face was red now and her eyes were drilling through me.

"Please...just...don't do this." I was desperate now as I pleaded with her to drop this line of interrogation.

Sandra's nostrils flared as she looked over at Britt.

"Did you know about this, Brittany?"

Britt shook her head as she avoided my eyes.

"I'm didn't know until this morning."

"I have been monitoring all the family accounts closely since you left rehab...the only ones that I don't have access to are the..." Sandra looked at me suddenly in shook her head in disbelief. "Tell me that I'm crazy, Santana. Tell me that you didn't do what I think that you did."

"I was going to replace it."

"Those trust funds are for the kids...your kids. How much is left?"

"Half of it." I said as I stared blankly at the table.

"I don't know who you are anymore!" Sandra yelled. "I amend what I said yesterday...I don't want you in my house either."

"Sandra...wait a second...why don't you go take a second to yourself...you're being rash!" Damariz cut in.

"Me? Are you kidding? If there is only half the money left that means that she just stole half a million dollars from her kids! To pay a fucking drug dealer. And you think I'm being rash? Fuck you!"

Sandra shoved her chair and stormed out of the room.

I had really fucked up.

I couldn't cry anymore.

I just sat there numbly as everyone talked at me about how things were going to have to change.

Britt told them how I was going to move out and they all agreed to support her and have her back.

I felt so lonely.

"Mami? No cry." I raised my head and looked over at Isaac who was in a high chair. He was looking at me with a smile on his face and I couldn't get myself to smile back.

"I love you, Papa." I whispered.

After that I got up from the table and walked past all the talking and out onto the driveway.

This was way too much.

My skin was crawling, I was nauseous and I felt like so lost and alone.

I paced back and forth by the car and tried to get my breathing under control but it felt like someone had sucked all the air out of the atmosphere.

What had I done?

I was about to lose everything.

Being high wasn't worth it.

I couldn't keep going on like this, lying to the people that I loved.

How could I put my son in jeopardy like that?

What was I doing to my life?

Ari's POV

Watching someone who you love break apart is like a knife in the soul.

They were all trying to get answers and I admit that I didn't help the process...now though as she paced the driveway crying and swearing to herself, it made me want to just hold her.

And so I did.

I walked over to her and opened my arms.

She looked at me with hope in her eyes and I just nodded.

I wasn't happy with her but I couldn't let her be completely alone.

Just like when we were kids and I would find her in her big house by herself with just her piano for company...I couldn't just leave her there.

"I don't know what to do anymore." she cried against my shoulder as she clutched me tight.

"It's going to be alright...just breathe."

She was trying so hard not to hyperventilate but the harsh breaths that she was taking in weren't doing anything to help.

"I fucked up."

"Shhh. Just breathe."

She nodded and kept trying to take shuddering breaths.

I was going to help her.

She couldn't go on like this, living only half a life.

She was wrapped in a web of her own lies and deception and now that she wanted out, she was finding it hard to escape.

But I knew her, inside and out.

I could help Brittany understand her little quirks but some things...like holding her in this moment...were only things that I could do.

This was beyond my feelings for her.

This was about saving her life.

Santana's POV

Brittany came rushing out of the house looking like she had just exploded.

She was holding Daniela in her arms and Damariz came out of the house behind her holding Isaac and Norah.

Both she and Britt looked equally pissed off.

Had something happened after I walked out?

"Ana come say bye to the kids."

Damariz yelled over to me.

I nodded and walked slowly to the car.

I walked over to Britt first and leaned against Daniela's face and just inhaled the sweet smell of her. I took a moment to just enjoy the feeling of being near her as I kissed her face.

"Ma." she said as she touched my cheek. My heart broke when I looked into her wide blue eyes and then I kissed her once more before walking over to Damariz.

Norah was asleep but Isaac was wide awake as he reached for me.

I was afraid to take him but Damariz nodded as she leaned him closer to me.

My son clung to me and left a slobbery kiss on my face.

"Mami, go bye?" He looked up at me questioningly.

"Yes, Papa." I brushed his curls back and kissed his forehead. He looked sad when he realized that I was leaving him again.

"No, bye, Mami. Pees? I good."

I looked at Damariz and she just shook her head as she walked towards the back door so that she could put the baby inside.

I looked at Isaac and saw him look desperately at me.

He didn't want me to leave him...I recognized the look in his eyes because I had made it dozens of times when my parents left me.

"I'm sorry, Papa." I said as I kissed his face.

He put his arms around his little chest and stuck out his lip.

"No, go Mami. Pees?" He said as water filled his eyes.

I dropped my head and hugged him tight.

I felt his little hands patting my head as he try to comfort me.

"No cry, Mami. Pees, no cry."

I was grateful when Damariz finally took him from my arms because I didn't think I could just hand him back to her after he begged me to not leave him.

I didn't want to be my parents but like it or not...history had repeated itself and I wasn't there for my kids.

It tore me to pieces.

I was growing more and more relieved the further away from Westchester.

The car was silent as Britt sat there staring at the road with a scowl on her face.

Anger was pouring from her in waves and it was scaring me.

I hadn't seen her like this in a really long time and that time, I ended up in a coma.

"Brittany...maybe we should head back to the apartment." Ari said quietly.

"We are going to the other apartment first. Sandra's right behind us. We are dealing with this shit right now."

Fuck.

This was not going to be good.

I looked in my side mirror and sure enough there was Celia in the passenger seat of Sandra's car.

And I didn't have my phone to warn Enzo.

God help me.

"Britt, he's a dangerous guy." Ari was trying to be the voice of reason. "If my bad ass...crazy...cousin was scared of him...why would he bow down to you guys."

"This wasn't my idea." Britt slammed her hand onto the top of the steering wheel. "This was all Sandra and Celia...and he will listen because Sandra is going to pay him off. This is...it shouldn't be happening! Damnit Santana!"

I looked out window afraid to look at B.

She was angry at not just the situation but at me for creating it.

We pulled up in front of our apartment building and parked.

I unbuckled my seatbelt, ready to get out of the car but Britt didn't budge.

"Aren't you coming?"

"No...Ari and I are going to go upstairs and we are going to pack your shit...you are going to go upstairs and straighten things out with your sisters."

"Why do I have to go?"

I regretted the words as soon as they left my mouth.

"Are serious? Are you really asking me that question right now Santana?"

I didn't say anything...what more could I say?

There was a knock on my window and it startled me. I turned my head and there were my sisters, standing in the street waiting for me.

I turned towards Britt and she looked at me with harsh eyes.

"What are you waiting for? Go!"

"Britt...we were doing better...after therapy...we were making progress...please don't let them change that."

She looked away from me and closed her eyes.

I examined her and could see that her face was pale and that there was more to this.

"Just go...please?" She squeaked as she opened the door. I placed a hand on her arm and held on tight.

"Wait...please."

She snatched her arm away from me and left me there in the car.

Ari didn't say anything this time...she climbed out with Britt and they began to walk away.

"God please help me."

I whispered as I opened the door and stepped out into the street.

There is something to be said for answered prayers.

I didn't know it yet but it seemed that SWAT had already been to the apartment just hours before us.

The door was open and there were forensic guys walking around putting things into bags for evidence.

"What's going on here?" Sandra asked the first cop she saw.

"This is a restricted area ladies."

"We own this place." I spoke up. "This is my apartment."

"Well in that case...you need to head down to the station...there was a major drug bust here and the captain will want to speak to you."

"Um...okay."

I turned towards the hall but was stopped by Sandra's hand on my arm.

"What is that doing here?"

I looked at her and then looked over my shoulder and into the living room.

There sitting on the mantel piece was a picture with all of us and Papi, at my quincenera.

"Marco took that picture...this was his place...that was his picture." I shrugged.

"Asshole." she muttered as we walked away.

"Tell me about it."

Ari's POV

Brittany was really freaking me out.

I had never seen her like this...usually she was locked behind a door but right now she was sitting in Anita's closet crying over a pair of old sneakers.

What was I supposed to do?

I mean, Anita, I get her...I understand her but this was new for me.

So I did what I would do for Anita.

I knelt beside her and pulled her into my arms.

Apparently that was exactly what she needed because ten minutes later when the sisters and Ana showed up that's how they found us.

Ana looked at Britt and understanding flooded her eyes.

"Can you guys give us a sec?"

We all nodded in different stages discomfort.

This was just not us.

Ana walked us to the door and then stopped me.

"Hey...thanks for trying to comfort her."

"I would have done it for anyone."

"But I know that you don't like to...so thanks."

"No problem."

I nodded and headed out into the living room.

None of us had really eaten at Sandra's so I headed straight into the kitchen, hopefully I could distract myself with pancakes?

Not a chance...but I could try right?

What had Ana done to herself?

Even now...she wasn't the person that I knew.

For the first time...I was even questioning my trust in her.

That was a scary place to be.

Santana's POV

Britt had finally broke.

I knew that it was coming and the moment she saw those old sneakers...the first gift that she bought me...everything had crashed down on her.

"Britt Britt?"

I stood in the doorway of the closet and she looked up at me with anger.

"Why did you have to change?"

I wasn't expecting that.

"What?"

"Why couldn't you just come to New York and conquer it like you promised?"

I knelt down and rested a hand on her thigh.

"Real life caught up with me, I guess."

"I used to think...that you were bigger and badder than Sue. You were always a step ahead of everyone. But now...it's worse than when I found out that Santa wasn't real...or that Lord Tubbington wasn't the one smoking and that it was just you. You disappointed me and even though I just want to be with you...you make it so hard. Why can't you just NOT lie?"

I wanted to answer her with honesty...without my pride getting in the way...even if it hurt.

"I'm a coward, Britt. I'm was never that person...I'm shallow and insanely insecure and not as brave as strong as you are. I'm scared of my own shadow sometimes and when I stopped playing music...when Papi finally took away my piano and made me focus on my future husband...I became this other person. I became at school who I wished that I was brave enough to be at home. I'm weak...you fell in love with the idea of me. I'm sorry."

"NO!" She sprung to her feet and walked to the back of the closet and leaned her head against the wall. "I know you...and I know that what you just said was a lie. You are strong...you are who I fell in love with...not an idea."

"I'm not B." I rested a hand on her back but she turned around and leaned against the wall with a scared look in her eyes.

"I can't do this anymore...we can't be together. I can't be with you...not like this. I need you to go...today."

"B...um...I please don't break up with me right now."

"I have to. We can never be together as long as you are lying and using drugs and alcohol to not connect with me. This hurts too much."

She had her hands clutching her stomach and her eyes closed as she rested her head against the wall.

"But...what about getting married?"

"No! Not like this...I can't...I don't know who you are anymore. I can't lose you to drugs, Santana. I can't put our kids through losing you. I need you to go...please? I can have your stuff sent to you...but I just...please?"

I didn't fight...I just walked away.

What more could I do?

I had nothing to offer her as a reason to stay.

All I could give her was reasons to leave.

I felt so lost!

When I stepped out into my living room, Rachel, Quinn and Frankie had joined us.

Great.

I sat down on the end of the couch next to Quinn and looked off at nothing.

"San? Are you okay?" Quinn put her arm around me and I looked at her and then I broke against her.

I could feel my body shaking as I cried against her.

"Br-Britt just broke up with me." I sobbed.

"Like a real break up?" I knew she was in disbelief because in all of this we had never officially broken up.

"She wants me out...but...but I ha-have no wh-where to go."

Marco's old place was being blocked off by the cops and two of my sisters weren't talking to me while the other had my kids.

I felt someone rub my leg and saw Rachel looking up at me.

"You're going to stay with me, okay..." She looked over at Quinn and then behind us towards the room. I turned my head and there stood Britt with a duffel bag over her shoulder.

She looked at me and then dropped the bag on the floor and then headed into the bedroom, slamming the door behind her.

"Thanks Rachel." I whispered as I stood from the couch and then headed over to my big black bag.

I opened it and could see that Britt had just shoved things in there.

She probably thought that she was being nice.

She could have just made me leave...so I guess this was something...right?

Ari's POV

Britt had deviated from her original plan.

She was supposed to be proposing tonight.

That had been the plan...get Anita to be open and honest and then reward her with an engagement.

Going to Sandra's had been a mistake.

Anita had known that things would fall apart but we still went ahead and forced her to go.

And we didn't even eat anything.

Now I was trying to console Anita in the backseat of Rachel's car.

She had lost everything today, her kids, her money and her wife.

I couldn't imagine the pain that she was feeling and even though most people would take advantage of her.

That was the last thing that I wanted to do.

Quinn had stayed behind to help pack up anything else that Anita might need and to try and talk some sense into Brittany.

But I think we all knew that wasn't going to happen.

There was no way that Brittany was going to change her mind because of Quinn.

Maybe I could have talked some sense into her but I didn't really want to.

As much as it hurt, I knew that Anita needed this.

No responsiblity.

She had never had the chance to just be selfish.

Even as kids she was always concerned about doing things just to keep her father from beating her.

She had to grow up fast.

Now she would be with Rachel, who while annoying, is focused on staying sober.

Focused on following her dreams and so while I would have helped Anita back to a good emotional state, I had to admit that Rachel would do much more.

She could reach Anita where no one else could.

Because she wasn't in love with her.

Rachel's second bedroom was where she practised for school, so there was a piano in there along with a daybed.

When I carried Anita's bag in there, she froze when she saw the piano.

"I didn't know that you had a piano." She said to Rachel, who was in the process of making the bed.

"It was Dionne's...she left it so I kept it. Feel free to play whenever you want...this apartment is soundproofed from the rest of the building."

Ana froze as she looked down at the piano and then sat at the bench.

Rachel and I stood quietly and watched as Anita began to play.

The room filled with the music and even though I wasn't really familiar with musicians, I knew that this was a famous song.

"She knows Beethoven by heart?" Rachel whispered to me.

"I guess so. She's been playing since forever...since before me."

"She's...amazing."

"I know."

We both ended up sitting on the bed as she sat there playing with a far off look on her face.

She was tormented right now by all the things going on in her life and this was the only thing that was getting her attention.

And just when Rachel would get ready to clap because the song had ended, Anita would launch into another song.

I think that she forgot that we were even in the room with her.

We didn't realize how long we had been sitting there until Quinn showed up with Puck and Beth.

At which point Anita finally stopped and began sobbing into her hands.

I hadn't seen her like this since we were younger.

And I was at a loss...how could I fix this?

Was it even possible?

Santana's POV

I started my day in bed with my wife.

She made love to me in the shower and then did everything in her power to make my day productive.

I had started out bitchy but eventually I had opened up to her and by the end of that very same day, she broke my heart.

How did I end up here in this room?

All alone.

They all tried to cheer me up...even Nono came by but seeing Beth just reminded me of Isaac and Daniela.

It reminded me of how I wasn't allowed around my own kids right now.

My boobs ached with the unused milk.

But I would just have to deal with that now because even if it was just a taste...I had cocaine in my system now.

And alcohol.

I was such a mess.

Long after everyone left...leaving me with just Rachel fucking Berry...I laid in bed and held my body pillow super tight.

I hurt so bad as I looked at the new phone that Britt had bought me.

Quinn had given it to me and even showed me how she had set it up with a picture of the kids as my wallpaper.

So now I was staring at it, wishing to myself that I could fix what I had ruined.

Britt had been right to dump me.

This was too much for her and if that meant that my kids could go home and be with her...then I would gladly step back.

Except...I really didn't know how to be truly single.

I hadn't been officially single since I got pregnant with Isaac.

Since Ian was still alive.

And not for the first time, I understood how dark things must have gotten for him to kill himself.

Because if it wasn't for my kids and yea...for Britt...I would have just gone out and snorted cocaine until I passed out and overdosed.

Rachel's POV

Listening to Santana crying so loudly almost made want to go into her new room and hold her but that wasn't the type of relationship that we had.

From what I could hear, she was trying to muffle the sounds of her cries with her pillow but the sounds were so gut wrenching loud that nothing would be able to block them out.

Besides with my amazing hearing, I'm sure I would be able to hear it outside of the apartment.

What was worse than listening to her cry was feeling Quinn cling to me because as her best friend, I knew that she wanted to be in their comforting her.

"I think I should go in there." She finally said after sucking in shallow breaths.

"I don't know if that's the best idea...the last time...when she last was like this...you remember what happened. I don't want to go there with her."

I turned around and looked at her in the darkness and could see the worry written all over her face.

"Are you telling me that you are that incapable of controlling yourself that you would let your best friend who just got dumped lay in there and cry?"

"I'm telling you Rach...it's what we do. We comfort each other and that's the only way I know how to comfort her."

"Then I'm going in there even if she give me a black eye."

Quinn was silent for a moment as her eyes shot back and forth like table tennis.

Finally she reached over and brushed a hand across my face before leaning in and kissing me.

"I'm going to go get her and bring her back in here. Is that alright?"

"I would prefer it actually."

"Good, I'll be right back."

I watched Quinn walk away and thought about how I could best handle things with Santana.

She had lost herself and I had been there.

I knew what she was feeling and I knew that right now the last thing that she needed was to be alone.

What if she left during the night while we slept?

Was there anything left to stop her from going off the deep end?

She was already cut off for the next year...she was already broken up with Brittany...and her kids were already away from her.

If I were her...and I was still drinking, I would be on the ground somewhere or under some guy.

Now that I had her...I was going to do everything that I wish that someone had done for me.

She was going to get through this...she was going to get her life back.

I was certain of it.

Because I would be her sponsor.

Santana's POV

I was curled up on the piano bench staring at the glowing keys when Quinn came into the room.

"San?"

"Go away, I'm not having sex with you." I grumbled.

"I'm not here to have sex with you...I just...do you want to come sleep with me and Rachel?"

"That's even worse than sleeping with you."

"You know what I mean...I just...you shouldn't be alone right now."

"I'm fine." I wiped at my eyes as I pushed up into a sitting position.

Quinn came and sat next to me and put her hands on the keys.

"You are so not okay."

She started the end of chopsticks and so I picked up the beginning.

This was the only song that she had ever learned to play and that was because I had taught her right before I got my hand broken.

"Fine...I'm not okay...but sleeping with you and Rachel...that's not going to help."

"What will?"

"Nothing."

I muttered as I harshly stopped and stood from the bench.

She closed the top cover and then stood up across from me.

"Are you sure?"

"Thank you for checking on me, Q...but I'm fine."

"I'm not leaving this room until you come with me."

"Is it that important to you that I not be alone?"

Quinn went to the bed and grabbed my pillows and then walked over to me and shoved them into my hands.

"Yes...do this for me...please?"

"Fine."

I climbed in the bed and laid flat on my back between Rachel and Quinn, I never thought that would happen!

God, what had my life turned into?

They both laid on their sides and through their arms over my waist.

It was silent for awhile and then I felt Quinn and Rachel both start to drift off.

Even with them there, holding me, I still felt alone.

They had each other and I had no one.

I wondered if Britt was doing any better.

Knowing her she probably had replaced me already...like with Frankie.

The tears began to track down the sides of my face but I remained silent.

I didn't want to wake either of my captors up.

Their "comfort" wasn't what I needed.

I needed my kids and Brittany.

That's all I wanted everything else seemed cheap in comparison.

Something had to change...and that was me.

I just wish my mind would cooperate.

As I laid there, wide awake, for what felt like hours, my skin itched.

My heart ached and I just wanted to die.

One of my amazing talents is slipping out of places unnoticed and even though Quinn knows this...she wasn't on alert.

The moment that I left the bed, she scooted over and wrapped her arm around Rachel as if I had never been there.

I left the room and began to get dressed.

I had to get out of there.

Being alone was something that I don't deal well with.

So I would find a way not to be.

The silence was driving me crazy and I couldn't breathe.

So I was headed out for some fresh air.

I had to clear my head.

Any way that I could.

A/N: This story...my goodness...I blame this ending totally on Beyonce and her enchantment. This song had my mind somewhere really dark. Be gentle.