Title: Doren En Ind
Author: Anarane Narmalanya
Type: FCS
Characters: Erestor/Glorfindel
Warnings: angst,
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: I hereby quote that I Anarane Narmalanya receive no profit for publishing LOTR Fan fiction. I do not own the characters (Except for Glorfael, Hathel and Meren) or make a profit.
Summary: Ecthelion and Erestor are twins. Glorfindel wants Ecthelion, but the feeling isn't mutual. Erestor, however does want Glorfindel. Glorfindel talks his father into an arranged marriage between the houses...Ecthelion is aware of Erestor's feelings, talks him into trading places with him at the wedding...and Glorfindel doesn't figure it out until the wedding night. The whole situation, of course, manages to bleed over into Imladris.
~~~ Chapter 25 ~~~
Hidden Torment
The next few months were excruciating for Glorfindel. Erestor avoided him at all costs and answered his attempts with cold rebuke and bitter hisses. Elrond had attempted to loosen the chief advisor's tight strings, yet it was to no avail; Erestor simply refused to relinquish his age-old hatred for the Vanyarin of Gondolin.
Yet it was not the only pestilence to Glorfindel; despite the advisor's constant rebuffs and insults, he found himself drawn to the cold elf. He continuously reminded himself that it was his age old desire for Ecthelion, his identical twin, yet a small voice was loathe to allow him the lie. The continuous stray of his eye towards Erestor's delectable derriere beneath the silk of his robes, the scent of sweet vanilla upon his hair; these were admirations of nowadays and not a past comparison.
Glorfindel found himself confronting Erestor for the sheer sound of his voice, the passion in his eyes, and he found pleasure in the remembrance of the one night they had shared, the one sweetness in their coexistence. It was a memory that Glorfindel took himself in hand to each evening before reverie.
Of course, with the awakening of his body, came the awakening of his constant guilt and self-loathing; not only were his dreams wrought with fire, angst and pain, but of familiar, large, silver eyes; the light of innocence and joy doused from his own doing... his own hand. Hands that had vowed to protect.
With age and experience came the realisation that he had never loved Ecthelion as one would another, but had respected him and loved him as a friend. Lord Hathel had been correct and his father, who had loved him dearly, had overlooked his youth, inexperience and a flitter of desire to satisfy his selfish needs. And with it, they had ruined lives.
Life. Glorfindel shook his head as he made his way along the desolate halls of the west wing. Life had been both giving and cruel to him; he had never believed in karma until his second life. With his second chance at life: he had been given wisdom, modesty and inner thought; of which his arrogance and disinterest had ignored in his youth. He was not about to give into his basic needs or egocentricity again.
Yet Glorfindel was not oblivious, he knew how the ellon and elleth spoke of him; placed him upon a pedestal and worshipped his valour. But it was undeserved; would they love him so if they knew of his attack and neglect towards his own husband, their own counsellor. Nay, they would condemn him as he so deserved.
In this life his battle weary spirit no longer searched for an elf of equal hardship or lumber as he had with Ecthelion; he now searched for soft hands, a soft voice and a disposition that was not slanted towards violence and aggression; as was his own fate.
There was only one elf who he now wanted and with the dawning realisation came the sudden fear. The old warrior inwardly chuckled: how bizarre that one was bound and yet his soul-mate despised him and condemned him. Glorfindel had failed them both.
The Seneschal shook himself of his recent, gloomy thoughts as his feet finally brought him to Erestor's study. No matter the councillor's rebukes and abuse, he would continue begging him for forgiveness; he would continue to seek the young, innocent youth he had destroyed millennia ago.
For Erestor, it was triply excruciating. Not only was he struggling to suppress his overwhelming love for the returned Lord of Gondolin; Glorfindel and Elrond equally sought to lower his barriers of resistance and every other conversation with another elf revolved around: 'how beautiful the Golden Lord was', 'how muscular the golden Lord is', 'how valiant the golden Lord is'. Erestor was a grape short of a bunch of suicide.
This slow descent into madness was unbecoming of the secondary master of Rivendell; yet it was certainly possible. Erestor was a specialist in the matter of patience and a battle of wills, yet this consistent battle was beginning to take its toll upon his own legendary resolve.
Erestor leant his head back against his chair with a weary sigh; Glorfindel's persistence was eventually going to break him, of that he did not doubt. He only wondered what his final reaction would be.
Each evening he remembered the glorious evening they had shared on their bonding night and each evening he took pleasure from it. But guilt was never a far shadow. He loathed himself, how his heart could still beat for an elf that had abandoned him, had torn his family asunder and now simply asked for forgiveness, he would never understand.
Yet there was very little Erestor understood about himself as of late; no longer was he *only* the immovable, distant and dark counsellor of Imladris he had known for centuries. Of the daylight hours he was his normal irritable self; yet in privacy, he found himself seeking the sunlight rather than the shadows; he found himself searching through the library for tales of romance... and it sickened him. Where was the elf scorned millennia ago? The elf who had sworn to protect himself from heartache and attachments for the rest of his life. This swooning, crumbling elf was a shadow of the elf he had built and nourished over the ever-increasing ages.
His very thoughts were interrupted by the same, now great, Seneschal of Rivendell. Erestor watched with no small amount of exasperation as the sole plague of his life entered his office.
Glorfindel casually looked about the counsellor's study as he silently stepped over the threshold; "Tis, truly, a beautiful home you have founded and built here Erestor, a safe haven for those lost and in need."
Erestor squeezed the bridge of his nose before sighing, "What is it you want from me Glorfindel? You have said this many times. As you can see I am currently occupied,"
Glorfindel smiled softly, "Indeed I have heard much of the overworking behaviour of the great Chief Advisor of Rivendell; in fact I have become a witness to it,"
Erestor looked over him impassively before returning to his work, ignoring the old Vanyarin warrior.
Glorfindel sighed with distress and made his way over to sit in front of the advisor. "Erestor, I wish to speak with you of Gondolin... of what happened between us?"
Erestor began to sift through his paperwork, "Nothing happened between us Glorfindel, you saw to that. And I do not wish to discuss Gondolin or my past, I look now only to my future," Erestor looked up at him and smiled, both civil and cold, "Now I would appreciate it if you left me in peace."
Erestor jumped as Glorfindel slammed his palms upon his desk; Glorfindel had ever remained civil and polite, despite the many insults Erestor had returned. This change in character was startling.
"Damn you Erestor!" Glorfindel yelled. "Why are you so stubborn? Why are you so impossible? For months I have tried to engage you in civility! We must live together now! Let go of the past!"
Glorfindel's head snapped aside as Erestor leapt to his feet, his open palm connecting with the Vanya's cheek.
"Do not dare enter my home, or my office, and tell me what I should or should not do betrayer!" he hissed aggressively. "My past was destroyed and taken away from me, my innocence and happiness stripped from me in one night and all for you! You in your selfish arrogance! You abused me verbally, mentally and physically; do not dare blame me for my coldness and bitterness now because it suits you not! You never once cared for me during those three months after our binding! My past has made me what and who I am! Now leave!"
Glorfindel lowered his eyes, a red handprint marring his perfect features. "I am sorry Erestor," he whispered. "I did not mean that-"
"Of course you did Glorfindel! You *are* still the arrogant, selfish bastard of Gondolin! This Seneschal has all been a ruse! I know you, do not forget Glorfindel!"
Glorfindel's head snapped up and he frowned, "I sacrificed my life for the elves of Gondolin! How can you consider me egotistical? I burned for you!"
"For me? You never did anything for anyone but yourself Glorfindel! You destroyed a family, friendships because of your selfishness!"
"And surely I repaid that debt! Here you stand!"
"Twas Ecthelion who saved me, do not dare overlook his honour and valour. You never cared for anyone, but yourself!"
"I loved Ecthelion!"
"Then why are you here?"
"Because now I love *you*!" Glorfindel yelled, tears running down his cheeks.
TBC