Occlumency had never served Severus so well.
Combined with a healthy dose of Dreamless Sleep, his shields helped him sleep through the rest of the night and well into following day. It was fortunate, perhaps even his salvation, that he wasn't summoned during that time. His usual ironclad control would've been shaky at best, weakened by a dangerous combination of shock and exhaustion.
But even after a substantial rest, fortified by several cups of strong black coffee, he was still struggling to get his bearings. How the hell was he supposed to manage all this? On top of keeping an eye on Potter, which was already a full-time job, now he was expected to watch after Draco, too, making sure that no students were harmed in his frantic attempts to assassinate the most powerful wizard in existence. Oh yes, the very same wizard whom he was expected to kill by the end of the school year.
Meanwhile, he was obligated to play the loyal Death Eater, knowing that the tiniest slip would no doubt result in an excruciating death. To that end, he'd have to spend the rest of the summer keeping Wormtail from nosing around in his private affairs. And if that weren't enough to keep him occupied, he still had a teaching career to worry about.
Groaning softly, Severus buried his head in his hands, wanting nothing more than to crawl back under the blankets and stay there for months, possibly even years. But of course, surrender wasn't an option. There was nothing to do but keep moving forward.
Gradually, he became aware of soft noises somewhere in the vicinity of his feet. He glanced down and spotted the cat, who was entirely focused on the letters she was trying to arrange in some semblance of logical order.
And here was another concern, still too unreal to count among his ordinary troubles. Lily's protection, her concealment… his determination to devote what little spare time he had to finding a solution to her predicament. That was no less daunting than all his other obligations, to be sure, but it was impossible to see it in the same light.
TALK TO ME
He stared down at the message, his customary need for caution at odds with the overwhelming desire to come clean. Well, why shouldn't he tell her the truth? She was the only one he felt he could talk to freely, and in any case, he couldn't bear the thought of painting himself as a traitor in her eyes if and when he was forced to kill Dumbledore. Everyone else, fine, but not her.
And so he explained what had happened the previous night, expecting her to recoil in shock. Instead, she just gazed at him steadily until he finished, then spelled out a second message.
I KNOW
He frowned in confusion, and then his eyes grew wide. "You were with me? How?"
SPIDER
"You can switch to… insects? Interesting. Well, I suppose I can't hope to keep any secrets from you, can I?" She shook her head as he continued. "What he wishes me to do… I have no choice. I know that. But I can't imagine how… "
DON'T
His lips twisted into a sad little smirk. "I have to. I will not go back on my word. In any case, he's right – it's the only way to spare Draco, to save Dumbledore himself from a much more painful end. A mercy killing, which I suppose I can understand. That hardly makes it easier, of course, but perhaps… "
Shaking her head again, Lily began adding letters to her previous message. Trailing off, he watched her curiously until she completed her task, looking up at him with eyes full of sorrow.
THEY DON'T DESERVE YOU
Severus had no idea how to respond to that. It moved something in him, something he'd assumed to be long since dead and gone. And yet he couldn't forget who he was, his numerous flaws and countless mistakes. Were it not for him, it would have never come to this. That fucking prophecy… did she know about it? He figured not, simply because he couldn't see where she could have forgiven him if she did.
Well, this was what his life was about, wasn't it? The endless struggle for redemption? Yes, that and nothing more. He had to remember that, keep reminding himself that whatever time he had with her was only a temporary reprieve. There were no happy endings for him, little chance that he'd even survive this war.
What would it matter if she hated him when she discovered the truth? Oh, it would hurt like hell, no doubt about that. But he wasn't acting for his own benefit, believing the prize was his to be won at the end of it all. His promise to protect the boy had been made for her sake, just as bringing her back would serve the same purpose. The comfort of knowing he'd created a brighter future for her was all he had any right to hope for.
And perhaps in the end, that would be enough.
Eventually, Lily was able to make Severus understand that Wormtail wouldn't be able to sense her presence while in human form. That was a relief – she was tired of spending her days cooped up in the bedroom, which was unbearably stuffy on hot afternoons. Besides, Severus was eager to start his experiments, and she wanted to be with him as much as possible throughout the process.
For the time being, he spent most of his time in his study, settled in his armchair with a cup of coffee and stacks of books on the table beside him. He'd stay there from morning until well after midnight, so intent on his research that he would've forgotten to eat if it wasn't for Wormtail.
The rodent didn't a damn about anyone else's needs, of course, but he'd been made to understand what was expected of him, which amounted to the duties of a house-elf. Lily suspected that this had more to do with humiliation than hot meals or a clean house, but for all his hostile glances, Wormtail didn't dare refuse. Severus had proven that he could be… brutal when his orders weren't followed to the letter.
Could she blame him? Not in the least. On the contrary, she was impressed by his restraint, knowing he hated Wormtail at least as much as she did.
Despite their unwelcome houseguest, the days passed peacefully, giving them several weeks of respite before reality intruded once more. It was late in the evening – Severus had his nose buried in "101 Lesser Known Uses for Mandrake Root" while Lily lay curled up on the couch. She was nearly asleep when the knock came, soft and almost timid somehow. Startled, she sat straight up, staring at Severus with wide, worried eyes. Visitors were rare at Spinner's End, almost unheard of at this time of night.
"What the fuck?" he muttered under his breath. And then glancing at her, he hissed, "Under the chair. Keep out of sight."
Lily heard rather than saw what happened next. Death Eaters… how wonderful! Narcissa sounded gentler, more human than she remembered, but Bellatrix was as nasty as ever. She could tell them apart by their shoes – expensive and almost prim for one, blunt and utilitarian for the other. Strange that one could tell so much about a person by their footwear.
Severus, or rather, his dragonhide boots, appeared in her line of vision as he settled himself in the armchair across from his guests. Those boots were tough as nails, crafted to withstand anything, and yet retained their elegance with their smooth lines and finely etched scrollwork. Yes, she thought to herself with an inward smile. Very appropriate indeed.
"We… we are alone, aren't we?" Narcissa said, bringing Lily back to more serious matters.
"Yes, of course. Well, Wormtail's here, but we're not counting vermin, are we?"
Wormtail, who'd been skulking behind the door, was sent off to retrieve wine, though he managed to put up at least a feeble resistance. Didn't want to be humiliated in front of his fellow Death Eaters? Well, too bad for him. It was the least he deserved.
And then Lily forgot about that entirely as Severus and his guests raised a toast to Voldemort. Of course, it was no more than he had to do in order to maintain his cover, but it was still uncomfortable to witness. To realize just how good he was at playing double agent… so much that even Lily, who knew his motivations better than anyone, had to keep reminding herself that it was all an act.
"Severus, I know I ought not to be here," Narcissa said, sounding shaky. "I have been told to say nothing to anyone, but… "
"Then you ought to hold your tongue!" Bellatrix snapped. "Particularly in present company!"
"'Present company'? And what am I to understand by that, Bellatrix?"
"That I don't trust you, Snape, as you very well know!"
Lily swallowed a rush of fear, reminding herself that Severus had the situation under control. But knowing he lived on a knife's edge was one thing. Witnessing it for herself was another matter entirely. One slip of the tongue, one tiny mistake, could spell his death… and knowing Voldemort, prolonged torture seemed more likely than a quick end. It came home to her then just how brave he really was, how much self-control it must've taken to appear unruffled as Bellatrix hurled accusations at him, each more vicious than the last.
Unruffled? No, it was more than that. He openly challenged her as he twisted her insinuations to suit his purpose… not only to portray himself as innocent of the crime in question, but to make her look the fool. He wasn't just an effective spy, but a master at the art of deception, manipulative to the core when he had to be. A true Slytherin, which would've been disturbing if she didn't know by now that he was so much more than that.
"You are avoiding my last question, Snape," Bellatrix persisted. "Harry Potter. You could have killed him at any point in the past five years. You have not done it. Why?"
This explanation was every bit as necessary as the others, though it was painful to listen while Severus criticized her son. Mediocre, arrogant, obnoxious, self-satisfied… how much of what he said about Harry was for the benefit of his audience, and how much did he truly believe? Come to that, how much of his ill-treatment over the years had been done with the intention of keeping his cover, and how much had been genuine dislike?
Definitely a conversation she wanted to have, though not until her current limitations were no longer an issue. Both the subject matter and the emotions involved were far too complex to attempt it just yet.
For now, it was enough that Bellatrix had been silenced, with Severus sounding downright smug as he turned his attention to her sister.
"Now… you came to ask me for help, Narcissa?"
It soon became apparent that Narcissa was terrified for Draco, hoping that Severus might be able to intervene on his behalf. Lily could hardly blame her for that, even found herself sympathizing with the raw emotion in the woman's voice. She seemed much more human than she had during their school years, when she'd been cold and condescending, never bothering to speak with anyone except her fellow Slytherins. It would've been easy to say that the pain she was suffering now was no more than she deserved, but having experienced the fear of losing a child for herself, Lily found it difficult to see it that way. She hoped that Severus would be able to protect him somehow, especially if he could find an alternate solution to killing Dumbledore in the process.
"It might be possible… for me to help Draco."
"Severus – oh, Severus – you would help him? Would you look after him, see he comes to no harm?"
"I can try," he said quietly.
Narcissa went to her knees, kneeling just a few inches from Lily's hiding place. Weeping with gratitude, she said, "Severus, will you swear it? Will you make the Unbreakable Vow?"
Lily froze, as no doubt Severus would've done if he'd had the luxury. But she didn't have to see his face to know that his expression would've been as stoic as ever, for all that he must've been reeling on the inside. Surely he'd find a clever way to sidestep it, just as he had with countless…
Bellatrix howled with laughter. "Aren't you listening, Narcissa? Oh, he'll try, I'm sure. The usual empty words, the usual slithering out of action… oh, on the Dark Lord's orders, of course!"
And with that, her stomach plummeted to her toes.
"Certainly, Narcissa," he said, sounding perfectly composed. "I shall make the Unbreakable Vow."
And then he was on his knees, too, facing Narcissa, giving instructions to Bellatrix… no, this couldn't be happening. There had to be a way out, some loophole…
"Will you, Severus, watch over my son, Draco, as he attempts to fulfill the Dark Lord's wishes?" Narcissa said.
"I will."
"And will you, to the best of your ability, protect him from harm?"
"I will."
But just as Lily breathed a sigh of relief, her hopes were crushed as Narcissa recited the final part of the vow.
"And, should it prove necessary… If it seems Draco will fail… will you carry out the deed that the Dark Lord has ordered Draco to perform?"
There was a brief hesitation this time, but Severus's voice was steady when he said, "I will."
The weeks that followed were fairly uneventful. Severus continued with his research, relying heavily upon further reading combined with his own expertise to develop several plausible theories. It was best to work on them simultaneously… he didn't want to put either himself or Lily through the torment of waiting for months to see if one would pan out, only to have to start over from scratch. Besides, it was hard to imagine he'd have that kind of time.
This was confirmed in late July when he received Dumbledore's response to his latest application for the Defense Against the Dark Arts position. APPROVED. He'd already known this was to be his final year of teaching. Was this meant to be a consolation prize? No… Dumbledore always had multiple reasons for whatever he chose to do, but it was hard to believe that Severus's personal preferences were high on that list.
It was far more likely that with war upon their doorsteps, Dumbledore wanted the children to have at least one year of training provided by a competent teacher. That would hardly be enough, of course, but Severus supposed it was better than nothing.
He was summoned several more times in the weeks leading up to his return to Hogwarts, but again, these were uneventful affairs. The Dark Lord was complacent for the time being, contented with his impending vengeance against Lucius and the random acts of brutality his Death Eaters were committing against Muggles and Wizards alike. It couldn't last, of course… the Dark Lord certainly wasn't known for his patience. But for the time being, Severus was doing his best to rest and recharge in preparation for the trials to come.
And then late in August, he received a special summons, one that left him with no choice but to leave Lily alone with Wormtail without any opportunity to warn her. He hadn't seen her for hours – she'd gone out exploring that afternoon and had not yet returned. And while he tried to wait for her, he could only afford to delay a matter of minutes before the Dark Lord would become suspicious.
"Stay in your room," he snarled at Wormtail, for all the good it would do. The sniveling rodent was growing bolder by the day, having come to the realization that Severus could only go so far in his attempts to restrain him. Well, that was one good thing about returning to Hogwarts… some of his students might be obnoxious beyond all comprehension, but they couldn't hold a candle to Wormtail.
Casting a final glance around the empty study, he sighed heavily, pressing his fingers to the Mark.
Lily had made no attempt to tell Severus where she went in the afternoons. Maybe someday, but for now it was too personal for that, far too hard to explain with a handful of plastic letters. Revisiting the past would've been a fair explanation, but it was more than that. She visited her childhood home, lingered for hours in the playground where she and Severus had met, and visited her parents's graves, attempting to reconcile herself not only with the past, but also with the present and future.
So much was uncertain, and it felt like there was nothing she could do to change the course of the events that were about to unfold. Even if Severus brought her back in time to take part in the war, what would that mean? She hadn't practiced magic in fifteen years, had forgotten what it was like to even live as a human. Would she still have her powers? Would she remember the spells that could mean life or death for her loved ones? And what effect would it have on the Wizarding world when it was discovered that she'd been alive all this time?
More importantly, how would it affect Harry?
These were the questions that prompted her wanderings, driven by the need to seek out reminders of a simpler time. It was the best way to clear her head in the midst of so much turmoil.
Still, there was a certain strangeness in revisiting the places of her childhood after all these years. The more she tried to recapture the past, the more it seemed as if she were viewing another person's memories, not her own. They were no less vivid and poignant, and yet, it seemed surreal that she'd ever been so innocent, so full of confidence in herself and the world around her. She'd known nothing of caution, accepting things at face value rather than taking the time to figure out what was truly right for her.
So much had changed, yet she couldn't say she was sorry for it. Sorry for the war, yes. Sorry that her loved ones were in danger. But the changes to herself during all her years of solitude? She'd learned what it was to be patient rather than acting on impulse, had been forced into a situation where unable to talk, she'd learned to truly listen. And while she couldn't see how just yet, she hoped those qualities would serve her well through the trials to come.
It was well after nightfall when she returned to Spinner's End. She was none too happy about that – Severus was likely to be worried by now, and the last thing she wanted to do was to give him yet another concern on top of the huge burden he was already carrying. That was something she'd have to be more cautious about in the future.
Surprised that he wasn't in his study, she bounded up the stairs, discovering that his bedroom, too, was empty. Unusual… but then again, he had mentioned that he intended to start working in his lab over the next few days. Was that where he was? If so, she didn't want to disturb him.
Instead, she composed a message on the bedroom floor, concentrating hard as she slid the plastic letters into place.
SORRY SEV
The nickname didn't quite fit him as an adult. No, he was far too dignified these days, at least in her eyes. Abbreviating it was just a matter of expediency, though it did make his lips twitch into a little smile every time he saw it.
You…
Her head jerked up, eyes darting wildly around the room. Impossible… she was alone. She had to be. And yet, she heard the softest scuffle, spotted a tiny crevice at the baseboard on the opposite side of the room. It hadn't been there… even just yesterday, it hadn't been there. She would've seen it, would've known.
All she could see was his eyes at first, glittering, sinister in the darkness. But then he crept forward, and she spotted a long, pointed nose, ragged fur, a strange metallic glint where one foot was supposed to be. Oh, fuck.
You, he repeated in her mind, his phantom voice dripping with malevolence. Who are you?