Yay! It's Thurdsay! And I was terribly bored yesterday so I decided to write and I was surprised at the fact that it wasn't terrible. My muse must have decided that it was a good day to write too. We are just moving the story along. I've been re-watching Merlin and right now I am on season 2 and I just watched 'The Nightmare Begins' and I see Merlin trying so hard to help Morgana and I just get all depressed because I know how it ends. They wasted a perfectly good ship. Jerks.
Renaissancebooklover108: Liked that did you? Teehee.
Lilmiss: Merlin won't go to her room anymore unless he is invited…;)
Moon Fox: No he doesn't know about Morgana and either in the next chapter or the one after it we will see who he is after.
merganafan13: Thank you! I want my fanfic to have the same anticipation that we got when we were waiting ever week for a new episode of Merlin. If it doesn't make you want the next chapter then I am doing a terrible job lol.
funnygirl00: TY! When I was writing I was trying to 'see' everything in my head too. I visualize everything and I love writing their interactions and I especially love their chemistry.
Hanipman: Merlin is an uber powerful sorcerer and I like him having a backbone. It makes sense to me. He can still feel guilt but I don't want it to rule him and make him weak. Morgana needs an equal and Merlin is her equal.
Bri: I love your constructive criticism. It helps me out. I'm glad you are happy that I am going to use your idea and it was an excellent one. I want to keep it well paced because she won't suddenly fall in love with him. Love takes time, especially since he betrayed her trust and hurt her. I try to keep them as in character as possible and sometimes it is hard and I'm glad you pointed that out to me. We don't know the vague figure. He's mine. But he will make more appearances. Thank you for your amazing review and I always look forward to what everyone has to say about my chapters! Allons-y! (10th doctor)
And thank you to phhsdj, shell22, 4mergana, Emri13, RavenclawMerlinFan, EllieMJayx, and Fieldsofffebruary for your reviews as well!
Iricious, MonsterJunkie, Tsukune08, IcarusLSU! Where are you? I miss you.
I don't own Merlin! I merely play with them gleefully.
XxOxX
It had been a week since Merlin was last in Morgana's room. Every night when she was being walked to her room and prison cell she half-hoped to see him sitting on her vanity chair and every night he wasn't there. He had stayed true to his word so far and had not spoken to her save a good morning and a good night or when he was asked to do something by Gwen or Arthur. He was perfectly cordial and perfectly irritating. Any little progress that had been made in whatever kind of relationship they had was being put on hold quite firmly by the distant Merlin. Merlin had not hurt her with his knowledge. He had even been the gentleman and kept her from hurting herself. In spite of the knowledge that he kept so many secrets and that he foiled her plans every time she came up with one her dreams, when they weren't nightmares, were of him. She craved his light, his kindness like nothing else she had ever experienced. In fact the knights and most of the staff had been kind to her for the most part after she stopped trying to kill them. Although ever since Merlin had told her that she had issues that she needed to work through she had visited Aithusa nearly daily and just talked to the dragon.
Aithusa merely listened to everything she said, ever hurt and every betrayal with kind and patient eyes locked onto Morgana's face. She cried and shook and admitted her rape and the nightmares started to get better. She poured out her heart to the dragon and told her never to tell anyone else. Merlin wouldn't pry into her soul by using the dragon to get her secrets because he was honorable. Aithusa had felt terrible about the whole incident between them and apologized over and over again. Morgana had told her that it wasn't her fault and forgiven the dragon without a second thought. She was starting to feel weaker, more vulnerable, and thoughts of that consumed and terrified her. The collar around her neck was a heavy weight, a tolling bell telling her that she only had so long left before the absence of her magic killed her.
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"Morgana, could you get a fresh nappy for Eliana?" Gwen's voice floated through her thoughts and she was brought out of her dark thoughts.
"Of course." Morgana got up from her seat and made her way to the cabinet. She grabbed a fresh diaper and a cloth to clean the child up with. There was a bucket of fresh water next to the cabinet and she dipped the cloth into it and wrung it out before bringing both items over to Gwen.
Gwen took them from her with a smile and proceeded to change her daughter's diaper. Ellie was kicking her feet and wriggling on the table that Gwen had set her on. Morgana smiled down at the girl and Ellie smiled back then brought her hand to her mouth and started to gnaw on it. "Thank you." Gwen replied as she expertly fit the new diaper back onto her daughter's tiny form.
"It's fine." Morgana replied and put her finger into Ellie's hand. Ellie closed her tiny fist around it and the warmth from the child started to replace the chill that her earlier thoughts had placed in her chest.
Gwen finished up with the diaper and threw it into the basket which Morgana would take out later in the day. She looked up at her friend as she straightened up her daughter and lifted her up to stand on the table. "You've been distant lately, like your mind is in another place." The Queen observed while scrutinizing Morgana's face.
Gwen had always known Morgana relatively well and had been able to spot for the most part when something was wrong with her, "I'm fine. I've just been thinking a lot lately."
"About what? If you don't mind me asking?" Gwen set Ellie onto the floor and she crawled off towards her toys. Gwen sat down on the cot in the room and Morgana stayed standing near the window.
"You don't want to listen to my problems, do you?" she looked back at her old friend.
"I do. I listen to everyone's problems every day. So tell me, what have you been thinking about?"
"Aithusa, my magic, my experiences, Arthur, Camelot, the throne, Morgause, You, Merlin, everything. I don't know where to start."
"You must have a lot of time to think during the day and night. Arthur always has you under guard. I've tried to tell him that it isn't necessary but he doesn't listen. I think that if you really wanted to hurt us you would have done it by now. It's like you are a whole different person now then you were before. You are different even from the Morgana I grew up with."
"Thank you, Gwen, for trying to help me. I didn't say that enough when we were younger did I?" Her voice was quiet and introspective.
"I knew you loved me and you said it plenty. But let's start with me and work our way out shall we?" Gwen put a hand on her slightly rounded belly and rubbed it softly.
"You? Mostly I can't believe that you let me into your life so easily again. After everything I did to you and all that you suffered because of me."
"There is no use in holding grudges against people. Grudges only darken your heart and seep into everything you do. I was angry at you for a long time though. Angry that you could betray us so easily, like we hadn't known each other for years. I never could understand why you hated me so much."
"It wasn't you I hated, well after a while it was. I hated the fact that you were taking my birthright, that I saw you becoming Queen. It didn't matter to me that you were happy or that Arthur was happy or even that you might be a great ruler. I just wanted the throne and after I was deposed and Morgause injured I started hating you for betraying me."
"There is so much darkness in your heart, Morgana. There used to be so much light and joy."
"I now wish that I was happy again, that I was at peace, but that will never happen again. There has been too much blood spilled for that to ever happen again." Morgana heard Ellie babbling and smiled again.
"You can be happy again. You know…the reason I let you around Ellie was because of the way you looked at her when you first saw her. There wasn't a shred of hatred in your gaze, surprise, shock, yes but not hatred. You always loved children and I knew that Ellie could help you heal. And now you are happier when you are here with her." The little girl had that effect on everyone.
"Children are different. You can be whoever you want to them, teach them whatever you wish, and babies love so innocently and purely and unconditionally. I could be her Aunt and not be Morgana, the witch who seeks to destroy Camelot."
"Have you changed your mind about us then?"
"What do you mean?"
"Do you still want the throne? Do you still wish to kill us?"
"Yes and no. The urge to hurt you is much lessened. Before it was like an instinct, a loud one. Now it's a whisper, like a thought that I might have had at one point that is mostly forgotten but ticking at the back of my mind like it has always been there."
"I have long thought that the reason you turned against Arthur and I was because of magic. Maybe it was."
Morgana grew defensive at her passive accusation, "Morgause cast no spell on me. She wouldn't have done that to me."
Gwen decided to back off of that topic for now, "I know. What was she like then, Morgause?"
Morgana paused a moment before answering, "She was my sister and she made me feel accepted and loved no matter what I did. She never made me feel ashamed of my power and she always encouraged me. She taught me everything I knew at the time about magic. I didn't feel alone with her." Morgause had been her rock and her family after Merlin had poisoned her although she had put her mission to destroy Uther first she had always had time for Morgana and near the end she had poured all of her knowledge into Morgana with a single minded purpose. Near the end she had gotten fanatical and pushed herself more than she should have in her condition and that is when Morgana knew it was the end for her. Thinking of her sister opened up old wounds, wounds that didn't need to complicate the situation.
"Maybe if things had been different I might have liked her." Gwen offered.
"There would have been a lot of things that could have been different. So many things…" Morgana murmured. "I would have still left Camelot even without my sister. I didn't belong here under Uther's thumb."
"He was a hard man. I took care of him after you left. Arthur took over ruling the kingdom while Uther wasted away thinking of you. I never knew if it was your betrayal that destroyed him or the fact that you had magic and you were his daughter."
"You cared for him? Even after all the things he did to you?"
Gwen nodded, "I did it for Arthur, not because I was fond of the man. And I didn't have you to care for. He wasn't as bad as everyone says. He was a broken man long before you betrayed us."
"It was never you and Arthur I wanted to hurt, not at first. I told Morgause about Uther's confession and she told me that I had a right to the throne and I realized that she was right."
"Oh, Morgana…." Gwen sighed and shook her head then looked up at the woman next to the window, "You always talk about me and Arthur as people that you didn't want to hurt, but Merlin was your friend too. He was onto you when you came back from your year with Morgause and he was always suspicious. I always wondered why that was. What happened between the two of you?"
"It's a long story and it's one I can't tell you yet. Just know that he hurt me and I hurt him in revenge."
"I remember that you used a Fomorroh on him to try to get him to kill Arthur. He was rubbish at it. It was actually quite funny how many times he failed. I don't think you were expecting that outcome when you used it to control him."
At the mention of the Fomorroh Morgana's cheeks heated slightly as did her body. Oh the wonderful things he did while possessed by that creature of dark magic. "Oh yes. It didn't go quite to plan, but I kept trying."
"You and Arthur are both so stubborn. Even when one plan fails you have another and another. You never give up."
"You never give up either, Gwen. You are so certain that I can be good again. In all this time I don't think either of you have asked me if I want to be here again."
Guinevere looked at her daughter then back at Morgana realizing that she just assumed that Morgana would have wanted this for herself. "It was either this or your death or we just keep trying to kill each other. Aren't you tired of it? It's a never-ending cycle of violence. I don't want that for my daughter or this unborn child. I have them to think about now." Gwen rubbed her bump, "I didn't want Arthur to have the guilt of having to kill you and I thought that this was the best solution for everyone. I believe in second chances. This may yet come to haunt me and I would feel guilt and anger at having given you this chance for you to throw it away. Would you really go back to what you had before?"
"I miss my freedom, especially after being held prisoner for so long. I traded one dark and dank prison for another with gilded bars. I have nightmares every night that don't have anything to do with my visions. I can't use my magic and I can't see Aithusa whenever I want. I can't walk alone or even go outside without an armed guard. I feel even less like myself than I ever have before."
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Morgana. I don't know how to help you. I can't let you go and I don't know how to rid you of your collar. I can only offer you the kindness and love that I always have and hope that it helps."
Morgana smiled again at Gwen's kind but empty words and looked out the window just in time to see Merlin disappear beyond the city gates on horseback. What could he be doing?
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Merlin had given Morgana some space during the week. He wanted her to come to him. He was tired of going to her, asking her for forgiveness. He had apologized enough and even though he hated what had happened to her he wasn't going to be there for her to hit every time she lost touch with reality. His dreams and his desires had different ideas about Morgana. When he dreamed everything was perfect with her. Things were how they should have been a long time ago. He dreamed of her body beneath his, soft and warm and supple as they moved together. He dreamed of the day he changed their fate forever. Those dreams left him cold when he woke up. One thing was certain though, he needed to stop chasing her and let her figure out what she wanted to do before he would even try to foster a healthy relationship of any kind with her.
Gaius had taken the opportunity to give him some chores to help keep his mind busy after attending to Arthur for the morning. The knights and he had a meeting at the round table today and although Merlin could have been there they were only talking about border patrols and the like. Merlin had left and Gaius had happily taken advantage of any free time he had to send him out in the forest to pick herbs. He did love to be inside Camelot with his friends but sometimes he just wanted to be alone in the forest to practice his magic. It was always risky to do anything with his magic but time and experience had made him more cautious and more knowledgeable about where he could go for solitude. He urged the horse he was on faster across the meadow towards the forest. When he reached the edge he brought the horse to a walk and plodded into the forest for a bit before dismounting and tying the horse up. "Stay here. I'll be back." The horse snorted in reply before lowering her head to rummage through the leaves and wood on the ground.
Merlin set off to look for the herbs Gaius told him to gather. Recognizing them was easy but it was starting to get colder with winter setting in. The winter so far had been quite warm, but Gaius had told him that snow would soon be here and the temperature would drop quickly so he had to get the last bit of fall herbs that he could before that happened.
It took him even less time then he originally thought to collect all the herbs he could find and even some that weren't on the list. He checked his pack and closed it before walking to find the glen he used to practice in. It was nearly a perfect circle and there was something otherworldy about it. Merlin could never figure out why or what it was but he always felt more at ease when he was in it.
The sorcerer's steps were quiet in the foliage and he found the glen easily and set his pack on the outside of it. The grass was drying and the forest had lost most of its leaves but the sense of power had not left the forest with the winter months. Merlin stood in the center and used his magical sight to scour for anyone who might be watching him. Finding no-one he sent to work and sat down in the middle of the glen. Instnatly his breathing became deeper and slower. He started to relax his muscles starting from his head and worked his way down until his body was relaxed. Meditation was something he read about in one of his books and he found that it helped his concentration and memory when he was trying to cast spells. After about 10 minutes of meditation Merlin felt relaxed enough to start practicing. "Blóstmede." He waved his hand and felt the magic enter the plants in front of him. The instantly started to appear greener and after a few moments small blooms appeared on the vines. Merlin smiled then said, "ádrúge." The plants that look so beautiful moments before started to wither and die right before his eyes. Such power over life and death was dangerous. He was about to cast another spell when a voice startled him.
"Hello, Merlin."
"Kilgarrah!" He looked around briefly to make sure the dragon wasn't out and about in broad daylight so close to Camelot. "Where are you?"
"Nowhere close to you, warlock. I need to speak with you and I could not wait. Where is Aithusa?"
"She is safe underneath Camelot."
"Why have you not brought her to me? You are a Dragonlord and are charged with her safety and protection. She needs to be with her own kind, not a prisoner beneath your city."
"I'm going to bring her as soon as I can. I can't just get a dragon through the city without anyone seeing her. I'm caring for her."
"It will be easier for me to come to you. I'm sure you can think of something."
"Are you sure? I mean, getting a dragon into the cavern was a challenge. I can command her to come, but she cannot break her chains."
"We need her quickly here and we need to break her bond with the witch, however it came to be."
"We need to fix her legs. Shouldn't she be able to do that herself?" Merlin avoided the subject of Morgana altogether. He couldn't separate them. Doing that would destroy her. When the time came he would just have to command the dragon to do his will and not sever the bond.
"Yes. She should, but she hasn't had anyone to guide her on how to use her magic. She is a creature that cannot exist without magic but without a teacher there are only certain things that she can do on her own."
"I bring her here to you and you will help her? What happens after that?" Merlin knew that the old dragon sometimes didn't tell him the whole truth or merely used information to his own gain.
"I would take her with me."
"And if I didn't want you to do that?"
"Why wouldn't you? I can care for her."
"Like you did the last time? I seem to remember her leaving with you and showing up with Morgana with scars and badly formed back legs."
"I was careless. It won't happen again."
"I will think about her leaving with you. If she wanted to she would come right back here and you would have lost her again."
"You are not the only one with control over dragons, warlock. I can exert my will over her and she will obey me."
"Until she becomes stronger than you. You have taught me much in the years I have known you and have lied to me too. You won't hold her for long if you force her to stay with you. You have to make her want to stay, give her something to look forward to."
"Sometimes, Merlin, you are wiser than your years and sometimes you are naïve. Meet me outside the city in a week's time."
"And if I can't be there?"
"You will." And with that last statement Kilgarrah's presence vanished from his mind.
Merlin took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Sometimes being himself really exhausted him. Warlock, servant, friend, Dragonlord, apprentice, and son with the weight of the world on his shoulders. Merlin grabbed the bag at the edge of the clearing before heading back to his horse and to Camelot. The day was starting to get colder with the promise of frost in the days to come. He was in no mood to continue his practice session now.
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"Morgana. Would you like to take a walk alone for a while. No guards, no eyes watching you?" Gwen asked her after she came back from her time with Arthur in court.
Morgana couldn't help the suspicion that instantly leapt to life in her mind, "Why?"
"I've just been thinking about what you said. We need to let you have some freedom if only to see what you do with it. Guards will be posted at all the exits like normal and you will need to be back here before nightfall."
"What does Arthur say about this?"
"Arthur isn't the only ruler of this kingdom. I take responsibility for you, not him and I say that you can go for a walk."
Morgana smiled at Gwen's reply. The woman in front of her had really come into her own as a Queen. She was confident, commanding and kind and was so different from the girl that had come to be her own personal servant when Morgana was young. "I go and see AIthusa alone. What makes this different?"
"You see Aithusa under guard. The guard is in front of the only exit and keeping you in. You won't be escorted or watched at all save when you near an exit."
"Don't you need me here?"
"Not right now. Arthur and I are going to meet with the kitchen staff and the castle servants to make preparations for Ellie's first birthday."
"First birthday? Has it really been that long?"
"You've been here for 7 weeks. Her birthday is in 2 more. It will be interesting to see if the nice weather holds up, but it will most likely snow before long." Gwen picked up her daughter and swung her up onto her hip.
"So I can really leave here and no one will stop me?"
"You still can't leave the castle, but yes. I've already told the guards."
Morgana stood up and walked over to the door then lifted her hand to the knob and pushed the door open. She looked back and Gwen, who waved along with Ellie then set off down the hall with a mission in mind.
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Merlin opened the door to Gaius's chambers and saw the old man working on a potion. He looked up and gave the young man a brief smile, "You weren't gone as long as I thought you were going to be. Did you get the whole list I gave you?"
"There were some that we already gone from the colder air but I got most of them." Merlin lifted the pack off of his shoulder and started to empty it onto the table while sorting the herbs into different piles.
"It looks like you managed to get the most important ones." Gaius watched his ward carefully, "Is something bothering you, Merlin?"
Merlin finished emptying the satchel and sat down at the table, "Kilgarrah spoke to me. He wants me to get Aithusa out of the city in a week."
"Merlin…"
"I know. I know."
"How will you manage that when there will be nobles from all over coming to Eliana's first birthday?"
"What?" Merlin looked at his mentor with surprise. "Is she already that old?"
"I remember it well. It was a snowy day and a cold one. Gwen had an easy labor. But yes, she will be one year old in just 2 weeks."
"I need to get her to him. She has such pain and she isn't happy here."
"Why now? Why didn't you just leave her when you captured Morgana?"
"I wanted to know about her. The last time I had seen her she was newly hatched."
Gaius merely shook his head, "You always do what your heart tells you."
"Sorry."
"It's not a bad thing, Merlin, but you need to start using your head more."
A knock sounded at the door and Merlin got up from the chair to answer it, "I wonder who it could be." He mused before opening the door slightly. He was definitely not expecting to see Morgana at the door, "What do you need?" he asked in a barely neutral voice.
He watched her eyes narrow slightly, "I wanted to talk to you."
"Who is it, Merlin?"
"No one." He replied back to Gaius then turned back to her, "Why? And where are your guards?"
"I will explain if you come with me."
"Why?"
"I just want to talk to you."
"Then tell me what you want here." He crossed his arms over his chest and regarded her with suspicion.
"Please, Merlin."
Merlin was caught off-guard by her request and he nodded back at her before turning to Gaius, "I will be right back." Morgana stepped back from the door and Merlin exited the room and shut the door behind him. "Where to?"
"This way," Morgana set down the hall and Merlin followed her wondering why she came to him now and what she possibly would have to say to him.
XxOxX
What did you think about it? And it's another cliffhanger. One day there will be no cliffhangers and it will be a happy day for you guys! I really love writing this story and I can't wait to reveal all of my plans to you in due time. Is the pacing still good on everything? I actually went back to chapter 1 and ran through the entire story to try to see if I could time it. Gwen is 5 months pregnant, Ellie is 11 ½ months old and Morgana has been in Camelot for 8 weeks I think. It's terribly hard to keep track so I have a separate document for keeping track of all of my plot points so I don't get confused. I also need to change some spelling in this story and the other story. There are so many different ways to spell Fomorroh out there.
I think that Morgana acts differently around Gwen then she would normally, much like when they were close again. If it sounds OOC I really want to know.
And Merlin should take some of his own advice for Kilgarrah to heart don't you think. ;)
Have fun! And thank you for reading and reviewing!